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00:27To be continued...
00:33Oh, baby, here we go.
00:35Let the festivities begin.
00:36How many we got?
00:37Well, let's see. We got 20 cartons, 12 eggs in each.
00:41That's got to be like 20 dozen eggs, right?
00:43Fucking fantastic.
00:44Do you think we're getting too old for this?
00:46Oh, come on, Johnny. We're doing a public service here.
00:48If a kid leaves the house in a less-than-stellar Halloween costume,
00:52he's got to get the bad news before he makes a fool of himself all over town.
00:55We're Samaritans. You remember last year?
00:58Oh, check it out. There's one.
00:59Hey, nice costume, fuckface.
01:01Ah! What the hell?
01:03Hey, what the fuck are you supposed to be?
01:04I'm the Hulk.
01:05Yeah, no, you're not.
01:07Yes, I am.
01:08The Hulk doesn't have a fucking picture of the Hulk on his chest.
01:11Yeah, the Hulk's shirt doesn't say the Hulk on it.
01:13Yeah, if you've got to tell us you're the Hulk, it's already a failed narrative.
01:16Fuck you.
01:17Ah! You asshole!
01:19Hulk, angry!
01:20Yeah, yeah, whatever, dude.
01:22Hulk, smash!
01:24Yeah, go back to Walgreens and smash that.
01:26Hey, you ever notice how the Hulk only talks about himself in the third person?
01:29I know, he's like Bob Dole.
01:31Shit!
01:31All right, how much time we got?
01:33Uh, a couple hours.
01:35What do you want to do?
01:36Scary movie.
01:37Scary movie!
01:45Wait, what the hell?
01:47Where's Texas Chainsaw Massacre?
01:49Hey, hey, Blair!
01:50Yeah?
01:51I thought you were going to rent scary movies.
01:53I did.
01:54Walt Disney's Watcher in the Woods?
01:56What the fuck?
01:57Chainsaws are lazy and obvious.
01:59This is cerebral, and it's a really scary movie.
02:03Walt Disney?
02:04Early 80s Disney.
02:05The Dark Period.
02:06Oh, what Dark Period?
02:07It's fucking Disney.
02:08You'll be scared.
02:09Oh, come on, I saw Aladdin.
02:11I was fine.
02:11I wasn't sitting there like,
02:13Oh, no, fucking Jafar!
02:15You know, we're not kids anymore, Blair.
02:17Yeah.
02:17I haven't cried last four haircuts.
02:19Yeah.
02:20I'm using deodorant now.
02:21Yeah, deodorant.
02:22Fine.
02:23I dare you to watch it.
02:25See if it doesn't mess you up.
02:26Fine.
02:27No problem.
02:27Sure.
02:50No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
02:52I don't like this.
02:52This is not good.
02:54No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
02:57Don't like this.
03:00Come on.
03:01Stop.
03:02Come on.
03:02Stop it.
03:03Come on.
03:04Stop it.
03:04Come on.
03:04Stop it.
03:06Come on.
03:07Damn it.
03:07Come on.
03:08Fuck it.
03:08You're a piece of shit, Blair.
03:10Oh, my God.
03:10Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
03:11Get up, fuck, fuck.
03:12Get up.
03:12Fuck, fuck, fuck.
03:13Turn this the fuck off.
03:14Oh, my God.
03:15Oh.
03:15I'm never looking in a mirror again.
03:17Me neither.
03:18Fucking God.
03:18I'm never going to be able to shave.
03:20Yeah, thanks, Blair.
03:21Now he's going to have to grow a mustache.
03:22Oh, that's going to limit my career choices.
03:24Yeah, he's going to have to be a cop or a fireman.
03:25Oh, those are dangerous jobs.
03:27Yeah, what if he gets killed?
03:28God, Blair, you're such a fucker.
03:30Well, next time, don't be so smug with all your cocky deodorant talk.
03:38Hello?
03:39Man, mirrors in horror movies are like a huge red flag.
03:42Oh, hey, Sharon, what's up?
03:43Mirrors and small children pointing at things that you can't see.
03:46Oh, shit, yeah, that's a bad one.
03:47God, are you sure?
03:48Oh, and when the black guy says,
03:49oh, I'll go check out what the noise is in the basement,
03:52that's always trouble.
03:53Well, thank you for telling me.
03:54Yeah, why's the black guy always die?
03:55No, it's fine, I'll figure it out.
03:57Yeah, isn't that kind of racist?
03:58Seems like it.
03:59They should have only white people in those movies.
04:01Oh, yeah, so then the black guys won't get killed.
04:03Yeah, I'll talk to you later.
04:04Blair, we just came up with a great way to make movies less racist.
04:07Sharon is conscientiously objecting to this costume party tonight,
04:10so I need a designated driver.
04:13Can you do it?
04:14Me?
04:14No, not tonight.
04:16Yeah, me and Ted got massive plans.
04:17Well, I can't drive myself.
04:19I'll be full of Jell-O shots.
04:20So you have a few drinks, big deal.
04:22You know what nobody ever talks about with drunk driving?
04:24How fun it is.
04:25John doesn't have his license yet, and you...
04:27It's like a video game.
04:28You owe me.
04:29For what?
04:30I took the heat when Aunt Sue's found the porno you guys rented.
04:33What do I care?
04:33She's not my mom.
04:34My mom's an 11-year-old kid in China with arthritis.
04:37How do you know that?
04:38Because she sewed a note in my leg that says she's never had a vegetable.
04:42Come on, Ted.
04:42Please, you gotta drive me.
04:43It's not a good night, Blair.
04:45We got plans.
04:46Yeah.
04:46Now, I'm gonna go shower and fluff myself
04:48so I can be in a confident headspace to shame trick-or-treaters.
04:51The cuter I look, the worse they feel.
05:07Where's the goddamn conditioner?
05:10Help me.
05:11Be my designated driver.
05:13Jesus Christ, Blair, what the fuck?
05:15Well?
05:16What the fuck is wrong with you?
05:17I'm naked.
05:18You're always naked.
05:19Yeah, but I'm bathroom naked.
05:20I'm washing my bare parts.
05:22Get lost.
05:30Help me.
05:31Ah, Jesus Christ!
05:32Drive me to the party.
05:33I said no!
05:34Stop fucking scaring me!
05:35God!
05:36You can end this very easily, you know.
05:38I will not be blackmailed!
05:43There's nothing like the scent of the hills that kills Kenny to make you feel fresh.
05:47And we put a bit of that into every bar of Irish spring.
05:51This whole ad campaign is a bluff.
05:53What do you mean?
05:54It's like, you know who smells good?
05:56The Irish.
05:57Yeah, a guy named Seamus Boyle smells great.
06:01Is it warm in here?
06:02Yeah, it is kind of warm.
06:03Yeah, it feels like somebody turned up the heat.
06:05I'm gonna check the thermostat.
06:06No, wait!
06:07What?
06:08It's her.
06:09It's fucking Blair.
06:10You open that door, she's gonna be right there with that fucking blindfold.
06:13Here, I'll open a window.
06:18Help me!
06:19Ah!
06:20All right, goddammit!
06:23Forbidden donut.
06:27Well, well.
06:28Finishing something?
06:30Ah!
06:31Now, remember the instant you finish it, I...
06:34Oh, my God!
06:36You two look so adorable!
06:40All right, let me guess who you are.
06:42Blair, you're, uh, Batman.
06:46Close.
06:47Catwoman.
06:48Oh.
06:48Okay.
06:49And Ted, you're Lawrence of Arabia.
06:53Yeah, that's exactly right.
06:54All right, now, don't worry, Johnny.
06:55I'll be back by nine.
06:56Right, Blair?
06:57That was the deal.
06:58Yeah, sure.
06:58Whatever.
06:59We're gonna miss the first round.
07:00Yeah, but that's just the little kids.
07:02We'll have plenty of time to shame the puberty crowd.
07:04Yeah, I guess.
07:06Okay, well, we gotta go.
07:08Bye!
07:08You two, you have a fun time now.
07:12Oh, Johnny, don't look so sad.
07:15I have a fun surprise for you.
07:18What is it?
07:20I've hidden a heat bar somewhere in this house.
07:25Can I get a hint?
07:26Oh, I can't do this to you.
07:28It's in the hamper.
07:29I'll go get it.
07:30Very well.
07:54You look so good.
07:58You guys look amazing.
08:00You look amazing.
08:01Stunning.
08:01This is Ted.
08:02Uh, Ted, you know Sarah and this is Paige.
08:05Hey.
08:05Hey, Ted.
08:06How's it going?
08:06Hey.
08:07How are you?
08:08What's your costume?
08:09Are you a caveman?
08:10Uh, you ever see Return of the Jedi?
08:12It was kind of a small, independent film.
08:14Mostly Israeli finance.
08:16Yeah, I don't date men, so I don't need to learn this.
08:17Well, come on.
08:18We need to get you guys wasted.
08:20Yes.
08:21Yes, from me.
08:22But Ted, here is my designated driver.
08:24Yeah, I'm the guy that gets to listen to the spin doctors sober.
08:27That sucks.
08:28Come on.
08:31Hey.
08:32Want a drink?
08:34I can't.
08:34I'm driving.
08:35Oh, too bad.
08:36I always wanted to do a shot with a teddy bear.
08:39Fuck it.
08:40I'm not driving yet.
08:45I always wanted to smoke weed with a teddy bear.
08:48Sign me up.
08:53I always wanted to snort my ADHD meds with a teddy bear.
08:57If that's a cry for help, you got the wrong guy.
09:00Yeah.
09:04All righty, kids.
09:06You take care now, and happy Halloween.
09:08Say thank you, kids.
09:11Oh, you're welcome.
09:12And be careful of the razor blades, all right?
09:15They're everywhere.
09:18Maddie!
09:18Get the bastard tracing.
09:20The bastard tracing?
09:21Why?
09:21An ostrich bit me.
09:22A what?
09:23A goddamn ostrich.
09:24I was installing a fence for a guy over in Boxfoot, and he keeps ostriches.
09:29Doesn't want him getting past the property line, and one of them bit me on the fucking ass.
09:33Oh, I've never seen an ostrich in person before.
09:36Your job is so interesting.
09:38Susan, will you help me out here?
09:40I'll get the bastard trace.
09:42Yeah, and maybe we call a moratorium on you sticking Fig Newtons in my pocket, wrapped in a little goddamn
09:49note!
10:08Hey, Mom, do we have any more chips?
10:13Take a long look, Johnny.
10:15This is what life is.
10:22Cheers, fucksticks!
10:27Hey, you guys want to see something terrifying?
10:30Watch this.
10:31Everybody wave your arms!
10:35Everybody jump in the air!
10:38Let's invade Poland!
10:42See that?
10:43That's the Milgram experiment.
10:45That's how it starts.
10:46We're dancing.
10:47The dad from Footloose was right.
10:51Oh, shit.
10:52It's 8.30.
10:54Claire, Claire, it's 8.30.
10:55We gotta go.
10:56God, I never noticed how beautiful your hair is.
11:00Does it just naturally dry like that?
11:02Now, shut the fuck up.
11:03Your hair's the beautiful hair.
11:05Wait a minute.
11:06Are you drunk?
11:08I'm just a little drunk.
11:08It's sort of.
11:09It's fine.
11:10You're fucking drunk!
11:11Well, so are you!
11:12Yeah, well, that was the plan!
11:14Sorry.
11:18Oh, I...
11:18How the hell are we supposed to get home?
11:20You're completely fucked up!
11:21It's a straight shot.
11:22You take the Neponset Circle, the 93 South, the 90 West, to 495 North,
11:27and you just do that U-turn at the light in front of the police station, and you're home.
11:30Yeah, no, I'm not getting in a car with you.
11:32Look, what's done is done, but we both promised Johnny we'd get me back.
11:35We'll be back in time for egging, all right?
11:36I'm fine to drive.
11:37You're not driving my car drunk, okay?
11:39It's my car.
11:40I should be the drunk driver.
11:42All right, fair enough.
11:43I'll help by screaming out things I see.
11:53Hey, Blair.
11:55Professor Damon, hi.
11:57Who's this now?
11:58How are you?
11:59Good.
12:00Good.
12:01Feeling sharp.
12:02Feeling sharp?
12:03Shut the fuck up.
12:04I love the Batman costume.
12:06Oh, thanks.
12:07And who's Lawrence of Arabia here?
12:09Ted, talking teddy bear.
12:11Hi.
12:11Oh, Ted, yes, of course.
12:13I remember your story very well.
12:15Yeah, well, it's nice meeting you.
12:16Come on, let's go, Blair.
12:17You in a rush?
12:18Why don't you come up to the house for a minute?
12:20Something I'd like to talk to you about.
12:22I just went to the store.
12:23I could whip us up a little caprese salad.
12:25Yeah, yeah, sure.
12:26I love salad.
12:28Well, wait a minute.
12:29Hang on.
12:29Oh, you're invited, too, Ted.
12:31See you in a few?
12:32Awesome.
12:33Yeah, see you in a few.
12:34Okay.
12:36You butt nut!
12:38I promised Johnny I'd be home by nine.
12:39You clearly don't know who that is.
12:42Yeah, guy in his 50s riding a moped.
12:44Fucking winner.
12:44That is Lucas Damon, my English lit professor.
12:47The Lucas Damon, who also happens to be a New York Times bestselling novelist.
12:51That was the novel about a guy who couldn't afford a car?
12:54I was a guy, but it...
12:55No.
12:56He's looking for a student research assistant for his next book.
12:58Literally everybody wants this job.
13:00I love salad.
13:02See, I knew you were lying.
13:03Nobody loves salad.
13:04I do.
13:05I really love salad.
13:06Not one person on this planet loves salad.
13:08I do.
13:09You're on death row.
13:10Your last meal.
13:11You can have a steak or a salad.
13:12I'm gonna choose a salad.
13:14Fuck you.
13:14You're getting a steak.
13:15After what you did to that family, the baby's ear was on the ceiling.
13:19I've been doing this job 20 years.
13:21I've never seen anything so horrible.
13:22What?
13:23Ah, Christ, I'm fucked up.
13:24Yeah, it's good you're driving.
13:33My latest work is a piece of historical fiction that examines race and class in 19th century New England.
13:39Wow, that sounds incredible.
13:41A great salad, by the way.
13:43I love that there are no croutons.
13:45It explores the balance between sociopolitical change and personal relationships as seen through the eyes of a labor organizer in
13:53Martha's Vineyard.
13:54There's a plot twist that'll shock you.
13:57Hey, can I maybe have a different can of Schweppes that's not 85 degrees?
14:01You know, John Irving always starts a novel with the last sentence.
14:08I like to start with the second to last.
14:10Would you like to hear it?
14:12Absolutely.
14:15The horizon wept as Clara's undraped mortal frame joined the coiled multitudes.
14:22Elation, revolution, a taste of bitter blood.
14:28It's brilliant.
14:30It evokes the best of James Joyce without feeling derivative or overly orient.
14:35Hey, how'd you get inside my head?
14:39I'll freshen our drinks.
14:40Ted, I'm sure Blair's warned you.
14:42I'm the fun professor.
14:44Okay.
14:47Jesus fucking Christ, are you shitting me?
14:49What?
14:49What do you mean what?
14:50We're sitting here wasting time because this fucking horned dog just wants to bang you.
14:54Excuse me?
14:55Where the hell are you getting that?
14:56Oh my God, Blair, it's so obvious.
14:58He invites you to his place, he gets you drunk.
15:00Okay, I'm not drunk.
15:01What are you talking about?
15:02I love that there are no croutons.
15:04Yeah, it's called being polite.
15:05When did you become anti-crouton just for this butt night?
15:07Trying to make fucking conversation.
15:09And by the way, I'm guessing this is the first time he's seen you dressed like this as opposed to
15:13your usual fashion,
15:14which is basically Melissa Efridge at a flea market.
15:16I know what I'm being hit on, okay?
15:18I have seven uncles.
15:19You know what else?
15:19I'm just going to say it.
15:20That salad tastes like Dustin Hoffman's balls.
15:23Here we go, more wine.
15:24Or should we be naughty and start on the cognac?
15:28Yeah, listen, we got to go.
15:29I got to take medicine for my diabetes.
15:32Oh, I'm so sorry.
15:33You have diabetes?
15:34Oh, yeah, real bad.
15:35Ugh.
15:36Type one or two?
15:37Well, it started with just one diabetes and then, you know, left unchecked.
15:42I completely understand.
15:45Diabetes killed my mother and my older sister.
15:47Great, thanks for having us.
15:48Come on, Blair, let's get the fuck out of here, huh?
15:50Pleasure.
15:51As Boris said, with every goodbye, you learn.
15:54As Steinbeck said, farewell has a sweet sound of reluctance.
15:59Goodbye is short and final.
16:01As Hemingway said, I wonder what this gun tastes like.
16:04All right, come on, let's go, huh?
16:10Oh, Johnny, you still look so sad.
16:14It's after nine.
16:16Ted promised to be back by now.
16:18Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
16:20Well, if you want, you can help me clean your father's ostrich bite.
16:24Seriously?
16:24That's your best offer, Dad's ass.
16:27Oh.
16:28Well, what if you invited a friend over?
16:31In case you haven't noticed, Ted's my only friend.
16:33That lovely new woman from church, Carol, said she has a son.
16:37I think he's about your age.
16:39I don't care.
16:41He's probably growing into his body just like you.
16:45Should I invite him over?
16:47What the fuck?
16:47No.
16:48I think I'll call Carol.
16:52Why?
16:53Susan!
16:54The gauze came off.
16:55It's leaking again.
16:57Susan!
16:58Johnny, meet me in the bathroom with a t-shirt you don't wear.
17:01Nothing with a decal!
17:10Oh, my God.
17:11Can you fucking watch the road?
17:12That was a red light.
17:13I see it.
17:13I just...
17:14I choose not to let it define me.
17:16Pull over.
17:17I'm gonna drive.
17:18Fuck that.
17:18You're the one who was chugging wine with that professor of literature.
17:23You know, like literature, but like...
17:25Yeah, I know.
17:25I know what you mean.
17:27All right, just a second.
17:28God, Jesus Christ.
17:29Yeah, and you're a fucking moron, by the way.
17:31You know that?
17:31I'm a moron?
17:31Why am I a moron?
17:32That man is a brilliant writer.
17:34And what are you?
17:35A deadbeat teddy bear with a drug problem.
17:37Hey, at least I have a drug problem.
17:39Wait, what?
17:40Sorry.
17:40Fuck, I'm really fucked up, man.
17:42Great.
17:42Well, you know, maybe then you can acknowledge the fact that you have no idea what you're talking about.
17:46Look, will you just shut up and drive?
17:48You're driving!
17:50Fuck you!
18:02Okay, that was a red light.
18:11Hi, honey, I'm home.
18:13Ow!
18:15I told you to get salt and crack.
18:17Johnny, come on downstairs!
18:21Ow!
18:26John, this is Will, the boy I was telling you about.
18:31Yo, yo, yo.
18:32Will's also looking for something to do on Halloween.
18:36Oh.
18:37John needs a friend tonight.
18:39He's upset because his teddy bear's not here.
18:42That's cool, man.
18:43Wow.
18:44This place is like a mansion.
18:46I'm gonna go make you, boy, some spooky cookies.
18:49Ooh.
18:49Boo!
18:50Boo!
18:52I'll take a lamb chop, though.
18:54If you got one, just get it.
18:55I'll take it.
18:56So, what do you want to do?
18:59How old are you?
19:0138.
19:01Live with my mom, by choice.
19:04Uh-huh.
19:04A little bit about myself.
19:05I work in quality control at General Mills.
19:08I inspect every batch of breakfast cereal.
19:11I'm the last line of defense between your mouth and rat feces.
19:15I hope you're good at your job.
19:17I'm not.
19:18Stop eating cereal.
19:19What else is there?
19:22I own every Steely Dan album.
19:24I'm an expert dungeon master.
19:25I dabble in animal husbandry.
19:27I guess what I'm trying to say Johnny is...
19:31You can't have it all.
19:34You want a Zemo?
19:35A Z...
19:36No, I'm good.
19:37You want to look at some porn?
19:39You got porn?
19:40Fuck yeah, I got porn.
19:41You check this out.
19:46These are drawings.
19:48Yeah.
19:51This is...
19:52This is porn that you drew.
19:54Yeah.
19:55My mom won't let me look at the real stuff,
19:56because of cigarette ads, so...
19:59Why are they all...
20:00Oh, I can't do hands.
20:02Oh.
20:04So...
20:04You know what the weirdest part is, man?
20:06Now when a girl has hands, I hate it.
20:11Is that Winona Ryder fucking lying on?
20:13That is Winona Ryder fucking...
20:14Yeah.
20:15I gave her a ton of bush.
20:16I doubt she has that much bush in real life,
20:18but that's the beauty of art, right?
20:21It can be anything we imagine it to be.
20:22His dick is a sword.
20:25You'll never guess what his sword is.
20:28It's a dick.
20:29The dick.
20:29Yeah.
20:30It's a dick.
20:32This one gets me so good.
20:34You ever look at one and get you good?
20:36Uh, not a drawing, but not...
20:38Not before this.
20:39Then you're not doing it right.
20:41Oh.
20:42Come back.
20:44I can't fucking believe you just did that!
20:47Not even halfway done with payments on this car!
20:50Jesus, you paid for this car?
20:51Oh, shut up.
20:52It's a great car.
20:54Oh, my God, Blair!
20:55There's a kid in the grill!
20:56What?
20:56Ah, I'm just kidding.
20:57Look at your face.
20:58You motherfucker!
21:00Yeah, but see?
21:01Now, real life ain't so bad, right?
21:02No, no.
21:03We gotta get this thing towed before the cops show up.
21:05Oh, because we've been drinking.
21:07Yes, Isaac Newton, because we've been fucking drinking.
21:10Oh, wait a minute.
21:10Why don't we just tell the cops that we started drinking after we crashed?
21:14Right?
21:14We were so pissed about the crash that we had nine beers.
21:17You know, that's actually a great idea.
21:19Really?
21:19Yeah, I think you just solved drunk driving.
21:21I did, didn't I?
21:22No, you dipshit.
21:23We gotta go find a phone.
21:32Well, what'd they say?
21:33Uh, they said, phone is for employees only.
21:36Also, get the fuck out of the kitchen, you drunk.
21:39Shit.
21:40Yeah.
21:41Here, I still eat an apple pie.
21:42Oh, thanks.
21:44Mm-hmm.
21:46Well, you know, I don't know why I always think you're not white trash like the rest of the family.
21:50Well, fuck you.
21:51Because you are.
21:52Okay, just eat it.
21:54Careful, McDonald's apple pies are always a little hot.
21:58No!
21:59Jesus Christ!
22:00God!
22:00God!
22:00How the fuck do they do that?
22:01I don't know!
22:03Ah!
22:03Ah!
22:04Ah!
22:05Ah!
22:05Ah!
22:06It's probably cooled off by now, though.
22:09Ah!
22:09God damn it!
22:10Ah!
22:12Ah!
22:15This fucking goddamn night.
22:28Maybe we can call a cab.
22:29I don't have any cash, and you don't have any pockets.
22:32We gotta find a payphone and call home.
22:38Hello?
22:39Will you accept a collect call from...
22:41No.
22:43Oh, shit.
22:45Oh, all right.
22:46Just let me think for a second.
22:49Okay, look, we're not too far from campus.
22:52Why don't we just walk back and use Damon's phone?
22:55That pervert?
22:56What?
22:56Fuck no!
22:57Why not?
22:58I mean...
22:58Because he's probably back there right now, boiling the cushion you sat on to make soup stock.
23:02Well, you want to get home in time or not?
23:03Well, I know you don't see it, okay?
23:05But I don't trust that guy.
23:07Oh, my God.
23:07I don't trust him.
23:08I think he's got one thing on his mind.
23:10Filthy doings.
23:11Okay, look, I get your concern for me or whatever, but I'm an adult.
23:15Okay, I can take care of myself.
23:17Wait, have you ever seen an old man penis?
23:19It's like a melted pint of coffee ice cream.
23:21There's a sadness to it.
23:23Almost like it remembers how it used to look.
23:25I mean, it looks like it's trying to hide, but it's too tired.
23:28No, no, you know what it looks like?
23:29It looks like Burt La when he took off the cowardly lion suit, but he still had the makeup on.
23:35It's...
23:35Ah, shit.
23:36What was the last one you heard?
23:40Let's put on our costumes that we made last night.
23:53You like movies?
23:56Yeah.
23:57I got a VHS of rodeo deaths we could watch.
24:00Rodeo deaths?
24:02Yeah.
24:02You know, something about real death just, like, just turns you on, you know?
24:08Well, why is that for all of us?
24:11I honestly can't answer that question.
24:15I'm totally fucking with you.
24:17Oh.
24:18Seriously, though, I do have the tape.
24:20We could take off our shirts.
24:21Just watch it together.
24:24Yeah, yeah, maybe next time.
24:28I'm fucking with you again.
24:29Oh, my God, you were about to do it.
24:31No, no, I wasn't.
24:32You were?
24:33Your shirt's, like, halfway off already.
24:34No, it's fucking not.
24:35Oh, it could be, though.
24:36We could have it off if we wanted to.
24:38You know what's great?
24:39What?
24:40Crack.
24:41Ah.
24:42You know how, like, someone's like,
24:43Oh, I like chocolate cake.
24:44It's so good.
24:44It's like crack.
24:47This is actually crack.
24:49Gets a lot of bad press.
24:50Gotta tell you.
24:51Burthest thing from whack.
24:53Yeah, I'll pass on that.
24:54Thanks.
24:55Oh.
24:56Picking up a little bit of a judgy vibe there.
24:58Yeah, it's crack.
25:00Uh, okay.
25:00I bet you have some idiosyncrasies.
25:02I might find a little odd.
25:03I don't think crack, it, like, counts as an idiosyncrasy.
25:07Ah, can I use your phone?
25:08Yeah.
25:09Yeah, there's one right over there.
25:10Yeah, sorry.
25:11I just want to sleep in tomorrow, so I'm just gonna call in a bomb scare to my office.
25:15Ugh.
25:30Well, look who's back.
25:31Us again.
25:32Hey, is it Halloween or is it Christmas?
25:35Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
25:36Ah, come on in.
25:41Phone's still busy.
25:43What the fuck is going on over there?
25:44Johnny's probably freaking out, wondering where I am.
25:47Professor Damon, we're so sorry to inconvenience you like this.
25:50Not at all.
25:51I'm happy for the company.
25:53Say, as long as I've got you here, there's something I'd like to show you.
25:56Oh, God, here it comes.
25:57Just stare at the balls.
25:58It'll be better that way.
25:59It's the opening chapter of my next book.
26:04Just finished it yesterday.
26:06Would you like to read it?
26:08Oh, my God.
26:09I'd be honored.
26:10Fabulous.
26:11Don't let the typos throw you.
26:13He's a dyslexic narrator.
26:15Ted, why don't you and I play some billiards while I nervously await Blair's verdict?
26:31Welcome to my billiard room.
26:33All right, buddy.
26:34You and me gotta have a little talk.
26:35Oh, I'd love to.
26:37Uh, how about I freshen your drink first?
26:39Fine.
26:42Fine.
26:43Fine.
26:47Fine.
27:15Hello, Ted.
27:20Uh, what, uh, what's going on there, buddy?
27:25I want to make love to you.
27:29Oh.
27:30I believe forthright honesty is the only approach when you have feelings for somebody.
27:42I've been waiting all my life for someone like you.
27:45Your furry curves.
27:48Your boundless whimsy.
27:50It, uh, it has bounds.
27:53I've been going crazy since you walked out my door tonight.
27:56I want us to have a licit congress together.
28:00You know, Blair's really into you.
28:03I don't care.
28:05It's you I want.
28:06Yeah, I, uh, I don't date other bears.
28:09I don't have to be a bear.
28:11I could be a pony, if you prefer, or a bird with colorful plumage and a functioning cloaca.
28:16Yeah, boy, you know, it just wouldn't work out.
28:18I don't care what people would think.
28:20If I could take you on my arm to faculty events, I wouldn't be embarrassed.
28:25Yeah, that's not the holdup for me.
28:29I see.
28:31So, your answer is no.
28:33Hey, Professor, do you mind if I use your bathroom?
28:38Blair.
28:41Any thoughts about the pages you read?
28:46Great.
28:48Uh, they, they were great.
28:50And the homage to Tennyson, did that play at all?
28:55Uh, fine.
29:01We'll let ourselves out.
29:07Hey, uh, you know, if we could just kind of keep this quiet.
29:12I have a reputation as a guy who doesn't do this.
29:17Sure, of course.
29:18On one condition.
29:20You make Blair your research assistant.
29:23Ah, that's okay, Ted.
29:24No, no, no, Blair.
29:25No, you're wicked smart.
29:26You work hard.
29:27You deserve it.
29:28He's right, Blair.
29:29You've got a great analytical mind.
29:31I, I'm gonna have to sleep on that.
29:33Oh, and one more thing.
29:34We're gonna need your bike.
29:46Oh, hi, Johnny.
29:48You want to feel some spooky eyeballs?
29:54I'm just kidding.
29:56They're just peeled grapes.
29:58Oh, I'd never really hurt anyone, Johnny.
30:00Mom, I cannot take this guy anymore.
30:03What's the matter?
30:04Will!
30:04Okay, he's, he's a freak.
30:06He's crazy.
30:07Can't you get him to leave?
30:08Well, he's your friend, Johnny.
30:09If you want him to leave, you'll have to ask him.
30:12He's not my friend.
30:13You invited him over.
30:15Plus, he's like 40.
30:16Well, I'm 47 and we're friends.
30:19Yeah, you're my mom.
30:20Even when you were still in my guts, he used to kick my cervix, but I knew it was you
30:25just saying, hi.
30:27I can't wait to come out and be friends.
30:31Yeah, yeah, fine.
30:33I'll do it.
30:36Yeah, yeah.
30:40Oh, my God.
30:42I don't know.
30:45Will, you in there?
30:47Yeah, come on in.
30:49I do not believe we're taking a bath at the same time.
30:52You know, it's like we're taking a bath together.
30:56All right, I gotta go, but I'll, I'll talk to you later, Dad.
31:00I love you.
31:01I love, ah, didn't get him.
31:04What the fuck, dude?
31:06What the fuck what?
31:07Who just comes over to somebody's house and gets in their tub?
31:10Uh, I do.
31:11It's called making the most out of life.
31:13Some people wait for an invite to the party.
31:15Let's start it.
31:19Ah, I seized the moment, Johnny.
31:22You see, perfect example.
31:24You've been a drip all night.
31:26Guess what?
31:26I've had a killer evening.
31:28You've been all sad.
31:29Why?
31:29Because your teddy bear's gone?
31:31That's not how you do life.
31:32You gotta grab every chance you can to make your own happiness.
31:37Why is the water black?
31:39Carpe diem, Johnny.
31:42Carpe diem.
31:43When you see a chance to turn your day around, grab it!
31:47Huh.
31:49All right.
31:50Now I'm gonna take Ike.
31:52Take...
31:54You ever need me, you scratch my name into your arm.
31:58And you'll show up?
32:00Oh, no.
32:02Never tried it.
32:16Hi, Matty.
32:18What do you want?
32:20Hey, listen.
32:20I felt really bad about Clementine giving you that bite,
32:23and I wanted to make it up to you.
32:27Eggs?
32:28Ostrich eggs.
32:29Each one's about 24 chicken eggs.
32:31What the hell am I supposed to do with these?
32:33I don't know 24 people.
32:35Carpe diem, Johnny.
32:37Carpe diem.
32:39When you see a chance to turn your day around,
32:42grab it!
32:44You know what's great?
32:46Crack.
32:47Hey, Dad.
32:49Dad.
32:58Hey, nice robot costume.
33:00Those are the boxes your dad used to move out?
33:03Hey, who are you, the Dork Knight?
33:05I'm Batman!
33:07Ow!
33:07What the fuck, you asshole?
33:09Hey, hey, who are you supposed to be?
33:11Olympic figure skater Scott Hamilton.
33:14Oh, man, you're gonna have enough trouble.
33:16Keep moving.
33:23Oh, hey, E.T., take this, you Reese's piece of shit.
33:33Oh, crap.
33:34What the fuck?
33:36Oh, my God.
33:37Is this what we've been doing to people?
33:39We were wrong, Johnny.
33:41We were wrong.
33:44Hey, listen, man.
33:45I'm really sorry I didn't get back in time.
33:48But you know what?
33:49I think it was for the best.
33:50Me, too.
33:51I mean, it was kind of nice to see if I could actually have fun on my own.
33:54That sounds healthy.
33:56Like growth.
33:57Yeah.
33:57It felt like growth.
33:59You grew.
34:00You grew tonight.
34:01I really did.
34:03So how was your night?
34:04I was almost raped by a professor, but now I got a moped, so it's fine.
34:07Well, now that we know for sure that we can exist on our own, let's never do it again.
34:12Fuck no.
34:12I was dying out there.
34:13Do you want to get high?
34:14Absolutely.
34:15Wait.
34:15No.
34:16Not yet.
34:17There's one more thing I got to do tonight.
34:40Help me!
34:41Oh, my God!
34:42Jesus Christ!
34:43You threw the shit out of me!
34:44Got you, motherfucker!
34:48Hey, you know, Blair, there actually is something I came here to tell you.
34:54Okay.
34:56You know, me and Johnny always think you're like this buzzkill, but tonight was kind of fun.
35:02You're kind of fucking fun.
35:04Well, I got to admit, I kind of had fun, too.
35:09I mean, the towing cost me 80 bucks, and I still don't have a fucking car, but for what
35:13it's worth, I really do appreciate you trying to look out for me, even if you were wrong.
35:19Oh, by the way, I got something for you.
35:23This is for you.
35:26A McDonald's apple pie?
35:27Yeah.
35:28Yeah, I was saving it, but, uh, it's all yours.
35:31I've had it in the freezer for two months, so it's probably cooled off by now.
35:36Oh, shit.
35:36Oh, shit.
35:37Get it!
35:37Get it!
35:37Get it!
35:38Get it!
35:38Get it!
35:38Oh, my God!
35:39We're all going to die!
35:45Can I help you?
35:46Hey, I'm Carol's son.
35:48I just got home from a party.
35:49My mom told me to come here and hang out with somebody named John.
35:52Wait, you're Carol's son?
36:02Oh, you've got a head full of someone dreadful
36:06And yet, alas, that someone adores you
36:11Everybody needs a bad friend
36:15I'm happy I'm yours
36:17I'm just a clown
36:20And I'll bring you down
36:24But you just don't care for your
36:30Best friend is me
37:01And I'll bring him back to my city
37:02I'll bring you down
37:02What do you think about?
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