- 13 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:12My words are lazy, my thoughts are hazy, but this is one thing I'm sure of, everybody needs a best
00:22friend, I'm happy I'm yours.
00:32Oh, yeah, and when Ice Cube punches Deebo and then Smokey says, you got knocked the fuck out, man.
00:36No, no, no, actually, it was more like, you got knocked the fuck out, man.
00:40Oh, yeah, no, it's more like, you got knocked the fuck out, man.
00:43The mid-90s truly are the golden age of comedy.
00:46Yeah, black people are so cool.
00:48Hey, watch it.
00:50Sorry, Dennis, so late.
00:52We ran out of ketchup, so I had to go to six different neighbors before I finally found enough to
00:59cover the meatloaf.
01:00Meatloaf again?
01:01We just had meatloaf two days ago.
01:03I wouldn't do this, but Ice Cube would call you a bitch right now.
01:06I'm sorry, I thought you liked my meatloaf.
01:09Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with you guys?
01:12Susan makes dinner for four people and a bear every night, and you never even say thank you.
01:16You just sit there and complain.
01:18Swear to God, you guys have zero appreciation for her.
01:21It's okay, Blair.
01:23Everyone should have what they like.
01:25What do you want instead?
01:26Oh, can we do breakfast for dinner?
01:28No fucking way.
01:29Why not?
01:30Eating eggs afternoon is gay.
01:32What the fuck are you talking about?
01:34Think about it.
01:35The gays are up all night doing stuff to each other, and they miss breakfast.
01:38So, they invent brunch.
01:40They meet up around 11, they have their fruity little drinks, they talk about hairstyles and lotions and whatever the
01:45fuck,
01:45and by the time they start eating their breakfast, it's afternoon.
01:48That's actually a solid theory.
01:50Yeah, I got no notes.
01:51So, the exact cutoff time for when eggs become gay is 11 a.m.?
01:55Is that the theory?
01:56Yes.
01:57Oh, that's why McDonald's stopped serving breakfast at 11.
01:59Right!
02:00They don't want guys banging each other in the bathroom.
02:02Pretty sure that happens anyway.
02:03Oh, dear.
02:04What?
02:05I put two eggs in the meatloaf for structure.
02:08Oh, eggs in stuff is okay, but on their own, gay.
02:12I don't want to take any chances.
02:15Johnny's at a very impressionable age.
02:17Hey, Dad, what happens if you accidentally eat an egg afternoon?
02:21You gotta chase it with a straight food.
02:22Like what?
02:23Stew.
02:24Oh, my God.
02:25I ate an egg the night I decided I like girls.
02:28See?
02:29But I only ate half.
02:31That's why I go both ways.
02:33Right there!
02:34They couldn't get the stew in me quick enough.
02:36Hey, it's not your fault, Blair.
02:54Teddy, look.
02:56It's Sheila Borgwart.
02:57Fuck, she's gotta be the hottest drug dealer on the planet.
03:01Hey, you know, I just realized something.
03:03What?
03:04I ain't seen her since I turned 18.
03:05I'm an adult now.
03:07An adult buy drugs.
03:08That is the main thing they do, yes.
03:11I, John Bennett, I'm going to buy drugs from Sheila Borgwart.
03:15How do I look?
03:16Doesn't matter.
03:20Hey, Sheila.
03:21Hey.
03:22I'm John.
03:24Bennett.
03:25We, uh, we met last year, remember?
03:27Um, possibly.
03:30My, uh, my diarrhea's gone.
03:34Oh.
03:34Yeah.
03:35It's all normal now.
03:37I mean, every so often I'll get a bum taco or whatever and something will happen, but for
03:40the most part, I've been solid.
03:43Sheila, hi, Ted.
03:45We've also met.
03:46Listen, John here has recently become a man.
03:48Not in a sexual way, obviously, but in a biological way, and he would like to purchase some marijuana
03:54from you.
03:56Uh, sure.
03:57How much you want?
03:59Holy shit, really?
04:00Oh, man, being an adult rocks.
04:03I got birthday money from Nana and Pop Pop, and I want to spend it all.
04:06Two hundred dollars.
04:07Two hundred?
04:08Yeah.
04:09Okay.
04:17Here's a quarter pound.
04:20Holy shit.
04:23That is a Chris Tucker amount of weed.
04:25That is fucking beautiful.
04:27Sheila, thanks for being my first time.
04:30Please don't say that.
04:32I don't know why I lied to you.
04:33I have had diarrhea.
04:36Okay.
04:36And within the hour.
04:38Enjoy your buzz.
04:45You will never not be a virgin.
04:51I don't, I don't ever think I've been this high before.
04:55Do I have human feet right now?
04:57I feel like I have human feet.
04:59I don't know.
05:00What do human feet feel like?
05:02Oh, that's a good question.
05:03Let's ask someone.
05:06Hey, boys.
05:07Mom?
05:08What are you doing here?
05:10Show me your feet.
05:10It's such a beautiful day.
05:13I thought instead of you kids taking the bus, we could go to the mall and I could get you
05:17some graduation underwear.
05:20Underwear?
05:21It goes over your butt.
05:23And maybe afterward we can go to see us and get our portraits made.
05:27Show me your fucking feet!
05:33So, Johnny, I was thinking about the kind of underwear you should get, and I believe a
05:38boy's underwear should match his father's.
05:41But then I prayed about it, and if you want to try something different, I think it'd be
05:46okay.
05:48Fuck, you're so soft.
05:52You've always been this soft.
05:53Yeah, I'm a fucking teddy bear, dude.
05:57Oh, I'm a fucking teddy bear.
06:00What was that?
06:02Oh, my God!
06:03Are we on fire?
06:04It's okay, boys.
06:06It's just a policeman.
06:08Fuck, we've got all this weed.
06:10Maybe he's not a cop.
06:11Maybe he's a stripper.
06:12Oh, yeah.
06:13Because sometimes they dress up like cops.
06:15If he says you have the right to remain sexy, we're in the clear.
06:36Good afternoon, ma'am.
06:37Can I see your license and registration?
06:39Touch his dick and see how he reacts.
06:41Oh, of course.
06:43Is something wrong, officer?
06:45You're aware that your left brake lights out?
06:47Oh, dear.
06:49My husband usually takes care of these things, but he's been having solid urines.
06:54Hey, if you're a cop, you have to tell us.
06:57Excuse me?
06:58Yeah, I know our rights.
06:59And you ain't got no right to search this car or this pocket or this backpack without a
07:03warrant.
07:04Well, that's not at all suspicious.
07:05Yeah, well, I could say the same thing about you.
07:08Pulling over a Laura Biden family on their way to buy clean underwear with absolutely no
07:12drugs of any kind anywhere in the car or on their persons.
07:15Okay, everyone step out of the car.
07:17Fuck.
07:28Mom, I gotta tell you something.
07:29What is it, honey?
07:31I'm holding.
07:33Well, try to hold it as long as you can, and then I can take you to the ladies' room
07:37when
07:37we get to the mall so you can do your doo-doo's.
07:40No, Mom, I have marijuana in my backpack.
07:42I bought it after school.
07:44What?
07:45I know, I know.
07:46I'm stupid, and I'm sorry.
07:49Oh, Johnny.
07:51You're 18 now.
07:53You can get the chair.
07:56What are we up here?
07:58Whose is this?
08:00It's...
08:01Mine.
08:03It's mine.
08:04What?
08:05Yours?
08:05I am hooked on the junk, officer.
08:08Mom, what are you doing?
08:09I eat it, and I shoot it, and I take it in all the ways.
08:14And I have ever since Woodstock, which is where I learned.
08:18Fucking hippies.
08:20Turn around.
08:23Hey, I know her rights.
08:25Oh, yeah?
08:25What are they?
08:26Ah, fuck.
08:33Boys, there's some emergency.
08:35Ziti in the freezer, and a stove is in the basement.
08:37Watch your head.
08:53He took Mom.
08:54He took our weed.
08:55And he took Susan, as well.
08:58Oh.
09:01You can't do that to Bret Hart, you big, fat foreigner.
09:09Where the hell you been?
09:10Where's your mother?
09:12Matty.
09:15Let's talk.
09:16What the fuck?
09:19Run, Johnny.
09:20Stay alive.
09:21No matter what happens, I will find you.
09:23Get the fuck back here.
09:24Watch these.
09:27Fuck.
09:30Stupid fucking moron bastards.
09:33Hey, hey, hey.
09:33What the fuck is going on here?
09:35These two dumb shits got caught with drums,
09:37and let Susan get arrested for it.
09:39What?
09:40Is that true?
09:42Yeah.
09:43Stupid fucking moron.
09:46Murder.
09:53I'll be right back.
09:55You stay here and write your confession, dipshit.
10:02I can't do it.
10:04Why not?
10:05I'm scared, Blair.
10:06I can't go to jail.
10:07Oh, but you're perfectly fine with your mother going in your place?
10:10I swear to God, this is exactly what I was talking about last night on fucking steroids.
10:15Susan does everything for this family, and nobody ever does shit for her.
10:18But look at this face, Blair.
10:19Look at his mouth.
10:20It's so youthful.
10:21If he goes to prison, it's going to be filled with dicks.
10:24And how does a mouthful of dicks help Susan?
10:26Oh, fuck you guys.
10:32A mouthful of dicks?
10:34I was exaggerating for effect.
10:35It'll probably just be one or two dicks.
10:38But they'll be big ones, Johnny.
10:41Yes, they will.
10:53Hey, how you doing?
10:55Oh, I'm fine, Maddie.
10:59Did Johnny tell you where to find the ziti?
11:01Don't you fucking worry.
11:03Johnny's going to confess, and you'll be home by tonight.
11:05No, Maddie.
11:07Don't make him do that.
11:08It was my choice.
11:10What?
11:11Johnny's 18 now.
11:13He's just starting his life.
11:16This could ruin his future.
11:18It could keep him from going to college.
11:21It could encourage him to join a breakdance gang.
11:24But they were his drugs.
11:26He's got to learn responsibility.
11:28Not like this.
11:30Promise me you won't make him.
11:33Susan.
11:37Fine.
11:37Besides, it's my first offense.
11:40I'm sure they'll go easy on me.
11:43I sentence you to 20 years in state prison.
11:47Next case.
11:49Commonwealth of Massachusetts versus Susan Bennett.
11:53Possession of marijuana.
11:54Don, don.
11:55Stop doing that.
11:56It's a courtroom, Blair.
11:57I have to.
11:58It's the law.
11:59And order.
12:01Don, don.
12:01Ow, fuck.
12:04Dan, Dan.
12:05Mrs. Bennett, you're charged with possession of marijuana.
12:09How do you plead?
12:10I cannot lie, Your Honor.
12:13I plead guilty.
12:16Mel, thank you for your honesty.
12:18Since this is your first offense and you seem to be a nice lady,
12:22I'm going to be lenient.
12:24I sentence you to 10 days in the county jail.
12:2710 days?
12:28Christ.
12:29Court is adjourned.
12:31Dun, dun.
12:33Ah, I like you.
12:44Something.
12:46Amen.
12:51You're trois.
12:54Bye.
12:55Bye.
12:57Bye.
12:58Bye.
13:02Bye.
13:11who the fuck are you hi i'm susan bennett i'm your new roommate
13:23this is a nice place you have here what's your name bitch killer oh yeah rhymes with mitch miller
13:33the fuck why are you here oh i i did a very bad thing did you kill a bitch or
13:39something
13:40marriage warner no shit oh no none at all why are you here because the system's corrupt
13:48i ain't do shit i'm innocent oh no have you said anything to anyone we should let him know
13:56god this woman's innocent shut the fuck up and mind your own business we ain't friends
14:03we aren't friends but i bet you a piece of cinnamon toast we will be
14:10are you threatening me i am cornholio
14:13come on what the fuck is going on in here we're just watching tv you two ain't watching
14:22shit if your mother's in jail you're in jail what does that mean it means you guys are going to
14:28clean the goddamn house you're gonna do the laundry you're gonna do the fucking dishes and you're
14:32gonna cook all the meals so get ready for fucking hell isn't that just susan's daily routine you're
14:37goddamn right it is and that's their punishment so get started okay okay we got this it's housekeeping
14:44how hard can it be yeah yeah even the name sounds like a game housekeeping you idiots have no idea
14:51what you're talking about oh yeah watch this
14:56see that i just kept house i'm a housekeeper yeah and look at me i'm betty fucking crocker
15:02you know what i stand corrected you guys got this good luck all right i'm gonna dust you then you
15:10dust me right
15:26may i join you ladies
15:32i'm susan i'm bunking with miss killa what are your names eat a cock how about you
15:41i'm fedex that's 69 that's gungina men die if they get in my crosshairs oh these are such
15:48interesting names why do they call you fedex because i can get you anything within 24 hours
15:55oh as long as it fits up my ass oh what are you ladies talking about the food here i
16:02want to feed
16:02this shit to my dog i knew a dog once that likes soup isn't that silly
16:10he belonged to our next door neighbors and he was such a sweet sweet boy but then he attacked a
16:16toddler and they had to put a muzzle on him but then he chewed through that muzzle and attacked another
16:22toddler and then the church had to move him to another area oh no wait that was father o'brien
16:3269 what does that name mean listen ho if you talk too much around here you get cut so if
16:37i were you
16:38i'd shut my motherfucking mouth
16:47i don't understand all this shit and somehow all we made was one boiled egg i don't even know if
16:53it's
16:53any good wait it's afternoon that's a gay egg now i'm thinking about john stamos pushing a lawnmower
17:01shirtless what the fuck are you idiots doing in there where's dinner it's almost ready okay we got
17:07to think of something mom normally goes to the store on saturday so there ain't much here okay uh we
17:11got
17:11slim jims white bread shredded cheese and a shit ton of condiments i got an idea
17:23okay gourmet hot dogs
17:27what the hell is this what do you mean it's dinner this pile of shit is dinner we call it
17:32the frank
17:33further we've taken the hot dog into the radical 90s whoa surf's up what i ain't eating that
17:43shit unbelievable we slave away in there we make you a delicious meal we drop it on the floor pick
17:49it up and rinse it off and this is the thanks we get you know i knew you two would
17:54this up
17:55fuck it i'll go to the grocery store and i'll do it myself
18:01can i get some goddamn help here
18:06where's the fucking dinner aisle
18:09this box has a picture of what i want
18:19what the fuck this is fucking bullshit what's going on surprise inspection
18:26motherfucker my bunk's a mess i'm gonna get written up again and lose my watercolor privileges
18:31bitch killer get in here
18:33this is the cleanest bunk i have ever seen
18:41what the fuck what's that smell it's potpourri i made it with the dry flowers from the memorial for
18:50that lady who was stamped in the shower the other day well it's lovely congratulations
18:56bitch killer you passed inspection for once but i got my eye on you
19:05you did this yeah why oh i'm so used to picking up johnny's room it was easy also
19:16i made you some slippers out of maxi pads
19:20how'd you know my size the slippers are the maxi pads good looking out
19:26oh i don't know what that means
19:33the family feud
19:38teddy dry is done
19:43teddy
19:53oh jesus christ daddy what happened next time you start that thing fucking knock first hey what the
20:00fuck is going on with the laundry huh everything i own is too small and i can't buy my underwear
20:04oh yeah we threw them out what why because they were covered in skid marks well i can't go to
20:10work without any underwear on the guys will bust my fucking chops all day how how will they know
20:16you're not wearing underwear don't play dumb well what do you want us to do go dig him out of
20:20the
20:20fucking trash and put some white out on them go god all right all right we're fucking going
20:41hello ladies what the fuck you doing back there well you were saying you didn't like the food so i
20:47talked to the warden i made a few suggestions and she put me in charge of the kitchen is that
20:52meatloaf
20:53yeah would you like to try it
20:59oh my god they're great it reminds me of my mother's prisoner meatloaf i use pigeon eggs and some pigeon
21:07but
21:08i think it turned out okay hey the fuck you want half foot half foot what a cute name is
21:17it because
21:18you're short not that it's any of your fucking business but yeah and also because i lost half
21:23my foot in a shovel fight oh dear well at least you don't have to trim your toenails it's not
21:29that
21:29half of the foot oh i was kitchen bitch until yesterday you stole my fucking job they put me down
21:36in the motherfucking laundry oh i'm sorry i i didn't mean to take anyone's job i was just trying to
21:41make
21:42the food better oh so my food was is that what you're saying you're dead meat
21:5469 i could use a hug right now
22:05why the fuck do i gotta know how to read my mom couldn't read and she made bang from giving
22:09head
22:10oh reading's wonderful for your head and it's not hard to learn at all now i borrowed this from the
22:17jail
22:17library the very hungry caterpillar you think you've been naughty wait till you see what he gets up to
22:25what the fuck is all this shit oh hi half foot i was just teaching gungina how to read would
22:32you like
22:33me to teach you how to read too what first you still my fucking job now you calling me fucking
22:38illiterate
22:39how would you like half a foot in your ass is there a problem here no no problem i'll be
22:48seeing you susan
22:49okay bye bye oh excuse me god what what are the plans for easter easter well it's this sunday i
23:02imagine the warden's providing the baskets but who do i talk to about getting 700 colored eggs this is
23:08jail there ain't no plans for easter but it's jesus's big day how will he know we care if we
23:15don't hide
23:16eggs not my problem oh gungina that's not what those holes are for god damn how'd this happen so fast
23:34dude this is uh do you use the sock for uh love making yes yeah yeah it usually gets washed
23:41before
23:41it gets like that well guess we should change the sheets yeah
23:59anything else covered in dried cum that i should know about
24:05so i said oh yeah motherfucker and i cut half his dick off which half the left hair
24:17what are you laughing at is it me it's in my body are you laughing at my body chill out
24:25cracker this
24:26ain't got nothing to do with you what did you just call me inmate you're looking for trouble
24:32bitch killer excuse me can i say something i don't think your ladies understand just how difficult the
24:41job mrs god has are you taking a fucking side well i saw in 60 minutes that prison guards have
24:48a very
24:48very very hard job they put their lives at risk every day they only make about 24 000 a year
24:56plus
24:56they have to buy their own gun which many of them used to kill themselves or our spouses they're real
25:03people just like us thank you susan that means a lot and i think you have a wonderful body
25:13i need to go call my mother
25:26michael are you sure you know what you're doing
25:37is that your wedding tux it's the only thing that's clean
25:41ah uh what is that a puddle of you don't want to know heads up i'm gonna send down the
25:46trash
25:54boys back in nam we learned when it's time to abandon your post that time is now hey hey hey
26:02not
26:02that way jesus christ don't go near the fucking bees nest how are we supposed to get out there's a
26:08beaver dam blocking the kitchen door
26:39that way
26:42yo what the fuck you doing in my cell bitch oh hi half foot you just ran out of time
26:50happy easter what easter's all about second chances jesus got a second chance
26:58i think our friendship deserves one too
27:06fruit by the foot now you can have all the feats you could ever want
27:14thanks susan you got us all easter baskets oh it was nothing and i couldn't have done it
27:20without fedex's help i got peeps real peeps and a candy cream egg mine's empty don't you worry
27:28the candy's on its way the candy's on its way it's shipped but not delivered let's eat
27:56shit
27:56faster with that white out come on move you're shitting faster than we can paint jesus mom's
28:02job is really hard yeah no shit it's about time you ingrates figured that out it sucks that mom's
28:08gonna come home tomorrow to the house looking like this she deserves more yeah she does hey blair
28:16we promised to do better will you help us put the house back together for mom are you asking me
28:22because i'm a woman no i'm asking you because you're the only non-idiot here fine i'll do it for
28:31susan
28:32thanks blair grab a brush we're painting undies
28:42i'm gonna miss you susan oh i'm gonna miss you all so much i ain't gonna be the same in
28:49here without
28:49you my ass is full but so is my heart thanks for teaching me to read from now on my
28:55name is brook china
28:57and i'm gonna keep water in my foot just like you said i know where to grow back one day
29:03ah bitch killer thank you for being the best roommate a girl could ever ask for no susan thank you
29:13uh-huh i got one more surprise for you what is it
29:19oh dear i did it with a razor blade and charcoal ink it's so big she did it when we
29:26still hated you
29:27four bitches held me down in the shower it's funny how things work out god always has a plan goodbye
29:34girls
29:56okay
29:57that's a lot better yeah
30:01mom oh my god
30:02hey mom oh we missed you we missed you so much did they give you back the weed
30:07oh my goodness did you have a party this place is a mess
30:18there mom we did our best but we had no idea how hard your job is yeah we took you
30:24for granted and we
30:25promise it'll never happen again that's right you you can make us meatloaf anytime you want we won't
30:30say shit yeah anytime you want to make meatloaf is good with us even tonight would be okay let's
30:34have it tonight hurry now jesus she just walked in the fucking door it's okay blair i'd love to make
30:41my family some meatloaf
30:55hey mom i just wanted to say i'm sorry for everything and thank you i almost ruined my life
31:04and you saved me oh johnny that's what growing up's all about making mistakes
31:10and letting your mother fix it all well that was our last one no more mistakes for us
31:16you know boys having spent some time on the inside i learned that everybody needs somebody to look out
31:24for them i'm your mother you don't have to thank me or appreciate me or even notice me i'll always
31:34be
31:34right here always i'm gonna die here johnny right here good why isn't it ready
31:54oh you've got a head full of someone dreadful and yet i'll ask that someone adores you
32:03everybody needs a best friend i'm happy i'm yours i'm just a clown
32:13and i'll bring you down and i'll bring you down but you just don't care for you
32:19you just don't know best friend is me
32:34you
32:36you
Comments