- 2 days ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:26To be continued...
00:35The other night I was out at a basketball game with my whole family
00:38And I only asked this guy in front of me to just sit down a bit so I could see
00:43And he beat me unmercifully, he beat me very badly
00:47And my hairpiece fell off
00:51And it was awful because when he beat me my teeth were also in my hairpiece
00:55Oh man
00:56The jerky boys are like the greatest living comedy geniuses
01:00I know, it's like the telephone was just sitting there for a hundred years
01:03And it took these two guys to figure out what it was for
01:06See, you understand, you understand
01:08Alright, I gotta take a leak
01:11Oh shit
01:11Oh fuck, Clive, two o'clock
01:14He follows you in there, you're a dead man
01:16This is bad
01:17I really gotta go
01:18You saw me down like a pre-sun at lunch
01:19I know, you were sucking that straw like it promised you a modeling contract
01:22But Johnny, you gotta hold it
01:23It's not safe to hold your pee
01:25You gotta do it, man
01:26Just think about baseball
01:27That's not how it works
01:28Think about your dad coming out of the bedroom naked on a weekend
01:31What the fuck?
01:32With his hog hanging out of his robe, waving like a bat, sleeping through an earthquake
01:36Shut the fuck up, alright
01:37Just follow me in there and stand guard
01:39Alright
01:55Alright, go on, get to pee in
01:56Alright, just watch the door
01:57Okay
02:02Well, go on, hurry up
02:03I can't, alright
02:04There's another guy in here and I'm pee shy
02:05Jesus Christ
02:06Hey, dude, do you mind?
02:08My buddy's self-conscious
02:09Yeah, I thought he might be having some trouble when I didn't hear anything
02:12I just want you to know
02:13You take all the time you need to
02:15I won't judge
02:22Oh, here we go
02:25Thank you
02:27That is all the thanks I need
02:32Wait
02:34Jesus?
02:38Alright, it's okay
02:40Everything's gonna be okay
02:42Oh shit, he's here
02:43Wrap it up
02:44Is that how it works?
02:45Hey, look who's here
02:47It's Bennett
02:47And he's got his little boyfriend with him
02:51Alright, Clive
02:52What if I am his boyfriend?
02:53What if we are having an affair?
02:55I can satisfy him in a way you never could
03:00Better be careful, Bennett
03:01You wouldn't want to
03:03Yeah
03:05Nice going, Bennett
03:06Pee much?
03:09Why don't you go ask your mother's face?
03:12Oh, Jesus
03:13I am so sorry
03:15That was so over the line
03:16What the fuck, dude?
03:18That's sick
03:18It was out of my mouth before I knew what it was
03:20Kind of like your mother
03:22Oh, my God
03:23What is wrong?
03:23I am so sorry
03:25I deserve what's about to happen to me
03:27Yeah, no shit
03:27Oh
03:31Wake up, asshole
03:32Oh, shit
03:32Wait, no
03:33Not the toilet
03:33I'm not supposed to get wet
03:35It said so on my face
03:41Teddy
03:45Teddy
03:46Yeah, the joke's on us, Johnny
03:48The pipes don't go anywhere
03:49The kids are just flushing them back and forth all day
03:53Yuck
03:54If you have a problem
03:55If no one else can help
03:57And if you can find them
03:58Maybe you can hire
03:59The A-Team
04:07I've seen this episode before
04:09It's a good one
04:09How can you watch that shit?
04:11It's just car chases and blowing stuff up
04:13Why did you just say two good things as if they're two bad things?
04:17Give us a break, Blair
04:17Jesus, we had a hard day
04:19And this show is very educational
04:21We're learning about the struggles of Vietnam veterans
04:23And how to turn a wood chipper into a cannon that shoots cabbages
04:28Matty
04:28Dr. Frankel called when you were at work today
04:31He says you're overdue for a colonoscopy
04:34Yeah, I'm not getting one of those
04:36He says it's important
04:37That guy's a quack
04:39No, he's not
04:40He's very smart
04:41Not all Jewish doctors are smart, Susan
04:44That's one of those stereotypes
04:45Wow
04:46Even when you're technically on the right side
04:48You still find a way to ruin it
04:49What?
04:50I just said they're not all smart
04:52Some of them Hebrews are just in it for the money
04:54That is beyond fucking offensive
04:57Sorry, he-brews and she-brews
04:59Honey, it's a routine test
05:01You're sedated the whole time
05:03It wasn't so bad when I did it
05:06What?
05:07When the hell did you have a colonoscopy?
05:09Last year when I was having my tummy troubles
05:11Where was I?
05:13You drove me
05:14No, I didn't
05:15Well, I had you drop me off across the street at the mall
05:19I didn't want to worry you
05:20And plus you needed undershirts
05:22And Jordan Marsh was having a sale
05:24This is hilarious
05:25You're afraid of a procedure
05:27Aunt Sue's got done without even telling you
05:29I don't remember picking you up
05:31I walked home
05:32She walked home?
05:34It was just a couple of miles
05:35Couldn't feel my legs anyway
05:37So it didn't matter if my pumps got slushy
05:39Well, Maddie
05:40It's your move
05:42My move is I'm getting a beer
05:46My results were negative
05:48Oh gosh, she seems so worried
05:53Man, I wish the A-Team was real
05:54That way we could hire him to beat the shit out of Clive
05:57Who's Clive?
05:59Yeah, this fucking goon at school who pits on us
06:01Is that Muriel's son, Clive?
06:03I don't know
06:04Is Muriel's son a sadistic steroid bully with a pee fetish?
06:07Oh, that poor boy
06:08He doesn't have a father, you know
06:11Huh?
06:12Oh yeah, he walked out on Mario before Clive was even born
06:15That's probably why he's so unhappy
06:18It's a classic defense mechanism
06:20Hurt people hurt people
06:22Wait, wait, wait
06:22Are you saying Clive is a bastard child?
06:26His mother's so sweet
06:28Must be hot
06:31Johnny
06:31We have been blessed with information we can weaponize
06:35What do you mean?
06:36What would the jerky boys do?
06:40Alright, found it
06:43555-3816
06:45Oh, we are gonna fuck this guy's head up so bad
06:53Hello?
06:55Clive?
06:55This is your father
06:57What?
06:58I'm your father
06:59I-I abandoned you when you were a baby
07:02Uh, sorry about that
07:03I-I had a rough day
07:04Dad, is this really you?
07:07Yes, Clive
07:08This is so totally
07:10Fucking your dad
07:12Dad, I-I knew you'd call someday
07:15Mom said you wouldn't
07:16But I just knew it
07:17Where are you?
07:19I mean, can I meet you?
07:21Holy shit
07:22He-he wants to meet
07:23This is fucking classic
07:24What do I say?
07:25Say yes
07:26Uh, uh, tell him to meet you at Friendly's tomorrow
07:28Uh, yeah, sure
07:29Uh, be at, um, Friendly's tomorrow after school
07:32Uh, and-and wear a sailor suit
07:35A sailor suit?
07:36Yeah, I-I spent some time in the Navy
07:38So, it's sentimental for me
07:40You know, I-I fought in the war
07:41Whoa, which one?
07:43You got that right, my friend
07:45I-I don't like talking about it, though
07:47Especially in specifics
07:48Man, that's so cool
07:50And I mean a real sailor suit
07:52All right?
07:52Like the kid on the Cracker Jack box
07:54But, where do I get a sailor suit?
07:56You back-talking me?
07:57See, this smart-mouth attitude is exactly why I left
08:00Sorry
08:01No, I'm sorry, Dad
08:02No, I'll do it, I promise
08:03That's more like it
08:05Tell him to say ahoy
08:06Oh, yeah, and say ahoy to people when you get there
08:09Okay
08:10Dad, I can't wait to meet you
08:12Yeah, get those hopes sky high, buddy
08:14I love you
08:15Oh, my God, that was fucking amazing
08:17That was great
08:17Well, we gotta be there when he shows up
08:19Totally
08:19Wait, wait, no, no, we can't
08:21He'll see us and he'll kick our asses
08:23No, he won't
08:25This was good
08:26This was a good plan
08:27Okay, now, as far as anyone knows
08:29We're two ad executives on a business trip from Hartford
08:32Looking for some local talent
08:34Right
08:34Hey, uh, keep these milkshakes coming, eh?
08:36Sure thing
08:37You know, um, we're celebrating
08:39Just landed a big account
08:41Bounty
08:41It's a very famous paper towel
08:44Yep, I use them every day
08:45Oh, terrific
08:46Well, you know, originally the slogan was supposed to be
08:48The quicker picker-upper
08:49But we added the word thicker
08:51Quicker picker-upper
08:53Bought a summer house without one adjective
08:55Congratulations
08:55Yeah, my wife's miles away
08:58Even when we're in the same room
09:01You know
09:03She hasn't let me touch her since the miscarriage
09:07I'll be back with your fribbles
09:10What the fuck was that?
09:12What do you mean?
09:13I'm just rolling with the area
09:14That was fucking sad, dude
09:15Oh, forgive me for trying to add a little gravity into the backstory, all right?
09:19I mean, why would we travel to you?
09:19Gravity, I want to slap my wrist
09:20Also, you get to be Mr. Thicker picker-upper
09:22And I got nothing to work with over here
09:23Sorry, did you want sprinkles?
09:25We picked out a name
09:26The room was painted
09:27Calm down
09:28No, no, that's what everyone says
09:29I get to grieve
09:32Oh, my God
09:33Look
09:36Ahoy
09:38Holy shit
09:39He fucking wore it
09:41Yeah, fix your kerchief
09:43There you go
09:44Now you're a proper seaman
09:46All right, you ready?
09:47Yep, I'm going in
09:50Oh, uh, maybe don't talk to the waitress while I'm gone
09:53Just fucking go
10:02Good afternoon, Friendly's
10:04Yeah, hi
10:04I need you to deliver a message to one of your customers
10:07Dumb-looking guy, dressed like an idiot
10:09Sir, this is Friendly's
10:10Can you be more specific?
10:11The kid in a sailor suit
10:16This is his dad
10:18I got a message for him
10:22I have a message for you from your dad
10:23Oh
10:25He says he's not coming because you're a disappointment to him
10:29And he's glad he left
10:30And he likes his adopted Korean kids better
10:35Sorry
10:36Sorry
10:50A Less Thai
10:51Oh, my God
10:51Oh, my God
10:51Oh, my God
10:54Oh, my God
11:09Man, this is way sadder than the miscarriage
11:13His name was gonna be Lawrence
11:29You know, I still feel really shitty about yesterday
11:31Yeah, me too
11:32It's almost like Clive's an actual human being
11:35With a heart
11:36Yeah, well, you know, I'm sure it's gonna be fine
11:38Hey, did you guys hear? Clive tried to kill himself
11:41Holy shit
11:43He ate an entire bottle of Flintstones vitamins
11:45Even the Bettys
11:47Did he... did he say why he did it?
11:50Who cares? I never felt more free
11:52Now I can wear my Ace of Base shirt without getting my ass kicked
11:57Shit, Teddy, what are we gonna do?
11:58It's out of our hands
11:59If he wants to wear the shirt, he's gonna wear the shirt
12:01No, no, I mean, this is our fault
12:03If Clive wasn't an idiot, he'd be dead right now
12:05All right, okay, you know what? We can fix this
12:08Nice shirt, queer
12:09Oh!
12:11Hmm, nature abhors a vacuum
12:15Okay, you ready?
12:16Yeah
12:17Wait, wait, hang on, hang on one second
12:18We got a boy's heart in our hands here
12:20I wanna make sure I got my wits about me
12:27All right, I'm good
12:29Call him
12:38Hello?
12:39Hey, Clive
12:40It's your dad
12:41You done barfing up bam-bams?
12:44Leave me alone
12:45Wait, wait, just hang on, hang on
12:47I want to apologize
12:48I'm sorry about not showing up yesterday
12:50Then why'd you do it?
12:52And why'd you leave that message?
12:54It was a test
12:55It was a test of your manhood
12:58And you passed with flying colors
13:00You said you liked your adopted Korean kids better
13:04Oh, yeah
13:05Well, you know, I don't have them anymore
13:07You don't?
13:08Now, it seemed like a cool idea at the time
13:10But it was costing me a shitload
13:12So I had to release them back into the wild
13:16But that's why you're so important to me, Clive
13:19That's why our relationship is so important
13:21Well, then, can I meet you for real?
13:24Yes
13:25Eventually, eventually
13:26But right now, I'm kind of busy with work
13:29What do you do?
13:30What do I do?
13:31Ad exec trying to have kids?
13:33Jesus, what the fuck is it with you?
13:34I'm a soldier of fortune in the Los Angeles underground
13:38Whoa
13:38Yeah, me and these other crack commandos fight injustice
13:42From our van
13:44That's so cool
13:45Yeah, if people have a problem
13:47And if no one else can help
13:49And if you can find us
13:50Maybe you can hire me and my friends
13:53That's kind of like our slogan
13:55Wow
13:56My dad has a van
13:58Yeah, anyway, I'll keep in touch
14:00And, uh, do good in school
14:02I suck at school
14:04I have a math test tomorrow
14:05I'm probably gonna fail
14:06Oh, come on
14:07I bet you're smarter at math than you think
14:09Like, like, okay
14:11Like, if a bully beats up ten kids for their sexuality
14:14And twenty percent of them are in the choir
14:16So they get extra beatings
14:18How many go to the hospital?
14:20Um
14:22Two
14:23Guess what, Mr. I can't
14:25You just did math
14:26I'll talk to you later
14:29I think we fixed it
14:30Yeah, I think so, too
14:31I feel really good right now
14:32Oh, I feel so good
14:34We're good people
14:34Yeah, if he kills himself now
14:35It's from other stuff
14:45Why were these burgers just, like
14:47Sitting in a tray of water?
14:49Yeah, I don't know why they do that
14:50Yeah, every time it's burger day
14:51They are just
14:52Sitting in water
14:53I don't know, seems normal
14:54Have the guys over
14:55Water up some burgers
14:56Watch the game
14:58You know what's weird?
14:59What?
15:00I've been, like, thinking about Clive
15:02Yeah, me too
15:03You have?
15:04Yeah, like
15:05I've actually been
15:06Wondering how he did on that test
15:08Me too
15:09It's fucked up, right?
15:10It's like I actually give a shit about it
15:12Johnny, look
15:16I don't know why he hangs out with those boys
15:19They're a bad influence
15:21I think Coach Johnson
15:22Holy shit
15:23I think that's his test
15:24Wait, don't look, don't look, don't look now
15:27What does it say?
15:28I don't know, there's a grate on the front
15:29But I can't see it
15:30We gotta get a closer look
15:42What the fuck do you want, Bennett?
15:44Nothing
15:45Nothing
15:45You know, I'm just
15:46I'm just
15:47I'm just walking around
15:48You know how I'd be
15:49Yeah
15:51Eat a dick, asshole
15:55C-plus
15:56He passed, he passed
15:58Oh my God, I knew he could do it
16:00Great job, buddy
16:03Our little genius
16:09Maddie, you can't keep putting it on
16:11Yes, I can
16:12It's my body
16:12But the doctor says
16:14I don't care what the doctor says
16:15I don't care what the doctor says
16:17I'm not doing it
16:18If you ask me one more time
16:19I'm going to stay at a motel
16:23Maddie, why are you so resistant to a colonoscopy?
16:26Oh Christ, not you too
16:27Look, I know it's scary to think about what they might find
16:30But early detection is best
16:32You think I'm worried about cancer?
16:34You get cancer, you don't have to pay taxes
16:37I don't think that's true
16:38Not if liberals have their way
16:40All I'm saying is get your cancer now
16:42Look, cut the shit and just tell me the truth
16:45Why won't you get the colonoscopy?
16:50When they put you under
16:52You're not in control, alright?
16:54You can say some shit and not even remember it
16:58I don't want to say stuff
17:00Jesus, there's things you're not saying?
17:02I just...
17:03I don't want anybody to find out my secrets
17:05What secrets?
17:07I got secrets
17:08Okay, well what the fuck do you care what some doctor thinks of him?
17:10Doctors talk
17:11This is a small town
17:12I don't want to ruin my reputation
17:14You're banned from Dunkin' Donuts
17:16Listen to me
17:17You gotta do this
17:18Okay?
17:18You catch colon cancer too late
17:20You're dead
17:20You'd be leaving John and Sue's on their own
17:22You really want to do that?
17:27Alright
17:28I'll go in there
17:29Great
17:29But you gotta go with me
17:32To your colonoscopy?
17:33Yeah
17:33Why?
17:34Because when they drug me up
17:36If I start saying anything about Vietnam
17:38You gotta make a lot of noise
17:39Why?
17:40What happened in Viet...
17:43Like that
17:44You got it?
17:45No, you don't
17:45Let's practice
17:47It's me
17:47Here's the doctor
17:49Hey, Doc
17:50It's one time in Vietnam
17:53Right?
17:54That's you
17:54La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
17:56No, you gotta be louder and faster
17:57Come on, again
17:58One time in Vietnam, Doc
18:00La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
18:01Keep going
18:01One time in Vietnam
18:02Louder
18:03one time in vietnam keep going keep going there was just one time in vietnam keep going i'm about
18:09to spill my secrets what is going on in here i'll get the colonoscopy you will oh thank god
18:21oh i i feel like it's christmas i just want this family to know that
18:26from here on out i'm going for full-on alcoholism
18:36oh hey am i crazy i kind of want to call clive and tell him he did good i know
18:41me too i mean he
18:42obviously studied so hard for that test yeah he should know his dad's proud of him yeah but but
18:47but do we want to send the message that all we care about is grades well i mean he can't
18:51live
18:51up to our expectations if we don't set any yeah but i wanted to do well for him not for
18:55us let's
18:56call him okay hello hey clive it's your dad dad hey guess what i totally aced that test got a
19:11c plus
19:12well how about that good for you champ that's great that's not really aced but wow good job
19:19hey i know you're busy and all but my birthday's coming up on saturday and i was wondering if maybe
19:25i could see you ah yeah uh sorry pal i i gotta i gotta work thing i just wish i
19:32could meet you just
19:33once i know me too but it's an important mission we found a terrorist base under the roller rink so
19:39we're
19:39going undercover as coke dealers and if we find love along the way we'll take it oh but hey maybe
19:46next year
19:46huh yeah sure and great job on that test all right i'll talk to you later bye dad
19:56man i feel really bad letting him down again yeah we gotta make it up to him you know what
20:01his dad needs to send him a really great birthday gift
20:13oh what about this sega genitus yeah i don't know why not just worried he's gonna spend all day in
20:19his room instead of playing outside what about a baseball glove he doesn't like playing sports
20:23well that doesn't mean we shouldn't encourage it baseball's your dream not his oh my god i just look
20:28it's his 17th birthday he'll be an adult soon we don't have many of these left i just feel like
20:32you're
20:33always trying to spoil him you know you can't buy his affections i am not trying to buy you're
20:37trying to buy his affections you're too strict with him you always have been well somebody has
20:41to be the bad cop and frankly i feel like it's shitty of you to always dump that on me
20:44you know
20:45what none of this matters anyway because we only got 20 bucks oh yeah you're right
20:49what are we gonna do where's the menswear okay that's good but get ready okay now turn right this is
20:56so stupid why don't i just wear the coat myself extra height johnny when you're tall people assume
21:02you're in charge hey why don't you go ahead and take the rest of the day off wow thank you
21:07tall
21:07supervisor see okay which way am i going all right straight for a bit then you're gonna turn talk
21:12louder your feet are blocking my ears hot left hot left hot left go straight just go straight just go
21:22warn me okay it's good let's go we're good for a minute my head hurts oh this is gonna be
21:25a problem
21:38excellent work you can take your lunch now
21:46look we weren't even stealing it for us okay we were stealing it for a kid who doesn't have a
21:50dad and
21:50that's not even really shoplifting right nice try you boys are in big time trouble i'm gonna need
21:55your parents phone numbers my parents are out of town i don't have parents on account i'm a teddy
22:00bear that came alive all right look it's really important to us that we help this kid okay haven't
22:06you ever had something that was just really really important to you something that you'd do anything
22:10to make happen like maybe you wanted to be the best security guard in boston no no i i never
22:15wanted
22:15to be a security guard i really wanted to be an actor oh wow oh this just got so much
22:22worse acting
22:23is my my real passion when i when i was in my my 20s i did this community theater production
22:29of pippin
22:30and when the show ended i found out that john rubenstein was in the audience oh my god who was
22:38of course the original pippin yeah i was about to say that's the guy that's right he was wow and
22:43he
22:43actually came backstage after the show and he walked up to me and i can still see his face and
22:48he said
22:49i really enjoyed the show you were all wonderful i was like oh my god what a moment amazing it
22:55was
22:55amazing just even here i mean i was just hearing you talk about it yeah it was him in the
22:59flesh and to
23:00have the kindness to say because obviously i was pippin of course yeah yeah i mean you you and you
23:06bert are not gonna do pippin if you're not pippin to have the kindness to say you were all wonderful
23:12because you see the rest of the cast was right there with me so he couldn't really single me out
23:15because that would have been dismissive to them oh yeah you can't do that sure but he gave me a
23:20look
23:21john rubenstein gave me a look and that look said you were on the stairway to stardom oh good christ
23:27wow wow that's what i said too yeah well i guess life had other plans for me but that's okay
23:37everything has its season everything has its time show me a reason and i'll soon show you a rhyme
23:47cats fit on the windowsill children fit in the snow so why do i feel like i don't fit in
23:54anywhere i go
23:59oh sorry wow wow that felt great right oh wow yeah wow was that a moment just then we had
24:07wait that
24:08was a moment that was i couldn't hear you someone was playing the original cast cast recording of
24:14hippo like a rope connected us so that only we saw the rope all three of us right all three
24:18of us we are
24:19one we were one organism in that moment my feet are tingling wow yeah a thousand wows yeah more wows
24:25on top
24:25of that i feel like this was time well spent yeah yeah yeah yeah you guys you guys can go
24:32we're good
24:32to go right absolutely thank you thank you really appreciate this was wonderful yeah we're all gonna
24:37go our separate ways but we'll take a piece of today with us thanks for letting me sing jesus that
24:42was a
24:42fucking nightmare you are telling me johnny this has got to stop i know it's gotten out of control i
24:47mean
24:47i care about what happens to clive but we're acting like fucking lunatics raising clive is not our
24:52responsibility we got to tell them the truth everything has its season everything has its time
25:01we've got a very big sale on aisle nine might be time to go on the windowsill children fit in
25:09the snow
25:18i don't like this this was a bad idea well you fucking relax it's gonna be fine you hear the
25:23word
25:24vietnam you yell like the place is burning down do you understand me yes jesus christ calm down good
25:29morning mr bennett we are all set to begin your procedure yeah uh listen this is my niece she's gonna
25:34gonna be with me in the room there oh i'm afraid that's not allowed what do you fucking mean it's
25:41against hospital policy no no no no no wait wait a minute wait a minute you know you don't understand
25:45she's she's always with me for every colonoscopy right yes i love watching and it's my half birthday
25:56today today so treating myself well that's interesting but it's medical staff only i really
26:03am sorry give us a minute okay
26:08get under the gurney what hide under the gurney i am not doing that blair you've got to be in
26:13the
26:13room in case i talk these people don't care about your stupid goddamn secret okay they're professionals
26:18they've heard everything i don't trust them you don't become a butt doctor unless you're into some
26:22really weird shit some of these guys it's sexual for them this is not sexual for them i'll give you
26:28three hundred dollars seriously you're always whining about how expensive your textbooks are 300 bucks
26:38you have lost your mind
27:01all right mr bennett i need you to count backward from 100 100 99
27:09all right he's out oh okay wow what a weirdo yeah i wanted his niece to come in here with
27:15him oh
27:16i heard that that's bizarre absolutely let's see what he's working with you oh
27:22oh my god look at that hair on the tip that's a new one yeah his poor wife huh i
27:29was just thinking
27:30that guys i gotta be honest this is sexual for me
27:39look we just gotta tell him the truth you know he's gonna kick our asses look the key to not
27:44getting
27:44hurt in a fight he's staying loose like a like a drunk guy in an accident that's why the kennedys
27:49are always fine after they fuck up their cars oh hey clive uh can we can we talk to you
27:55for a second
27:56what do you two fuck nuts want look there's there's no easy way to say this but um
28:03especially dad what about my dad um your dad uh invited us to your birthday party and he said he's
28:14gonna be there too and we just wanted to say we are we are so excited just to be part
28:18of it what are
28:19you talking about i'm not having a party he said he wasn't gonna be around that's because it's it's a
28:25surprise yeah oh no i spoiled it oh teddy oh we weren't supposed to say anything i knew it i
28:31knew
28:31he'd show up oh it's probably gonna be huge if even you two losers are invited hell yeah
28:40what the fuck is wrong with you i know but did you see the look in his eye he's like
28:43fucking charles manson what the fuck are we supposed to do now he thinks his dad's showing up i don't
28:48know we find somebody to be his dad well fucking who i don't know we find an actor or something
28:57all right we got balloons a cake do you think he's too old for a pinata yeah i don't think
29:04we
29:04want to put a bat in his hands johnny oh yeah good call oh how did it go it was
29:11a living nightmare
29:12maddie how you feeling doc says i'm clean as a whistle nothing to worry about that's not all the doctor
29:17said what do you mean it was the most disgusting thing i've ever heard leah what happened
29:28maddie made me go into the operating room with him so what the hell up if the drugs made him
29:31say
29:32some about vietnam you're not getting those 300 bucks i don't care this has to end nothing is worth
29:37what i went through today do you know where they put the wand when they're done with it i do
29:41what's
29:41secret what is she talking about forget it susan no maddie this is insane you have to talk about
29:46it and move on because i am not fucking doing that again in five years just drop it what'd you
29:50do desert your platoon go awol did you accidentally shoot bob hope what i wish i could live with that
29:55whatever it is i'm sure we'll understand no you won't this was war christ's sake maddie we're your
30:00family just fucking tell us i jacked off a dog
30:07what the fuck oh my god you guys said you'd understand that was before we knew how
30:13fucked up it was you've never been to war things happen not that no why the
30:18fuck would you jack off a dog whose dog was it
30:38my platoon was camped in the jungle about two clicks south of the dolong bridge
30:45our dog scout was with us chewing on some dinner scraps
30:52my buddy donnie and i were about to start the night watch when we noticed
30:57scout had an erection well you were very handsome back then just let me do this susan
31:08we waited for it to go away on its own but it didn't it was obviously stuck now now that
31:13can be
31:14dangerous for a dog especially in the jungle it gets infected no he could have died we didn't have
31:20a medic with us i had to do something i tried to ease it back in but it popped out
31:30so i tried again
31:32no good time was running out let me let me tell you that dog had sniffed out more landmines
31:39than i could count he'd saved all of our lives so i had to keep trying
31:47and that's when it happened
31:51he made a noise like a bark but happier
31:59then he went back to his food
32:04donnie and i didn't make eye contact for the rest of the war
32:17for god's sake somebody say something
32:20you soldiers gave so much
32:30i i i think you did the right thing very heroic
32:39yeah great job dad
32:44you did it there so we didn't have to do it here
32:50stand down soldier
33:08testing testing one two three yeah i can hear you oh that's neat yeah i paid off a techie at
33:13school uh just remember to keep the other one on so we can hear you and clive okay so we're
33:16going to
33:16be feeding you what to say as we go along and a visit right right if you could not give
33:20me specific
33:21line readings that would be great what yeah just uh you know tell me what you want to communicate
33:26and then i will interpret it as an actor you know i was going to get a coffee cart for
33:31the set
33:31but now forget it oh uh tell me something uh where am i coming from huh like just before i
33:37meet clive
33:38where was i you were right here talking to us no no no no not me the character where was
33:43the
33:43character it'll affect how i play the scene he was playing pippin on broadway no no he was at home
33:50grieving over his wife's miscarriage oh jesus christ oh yeah oh i like that you're good you
33:56should get into the business what the is wrong with you what we'll get one like this and then
34:01we'll try it your way all right jesus christ well yeah in case anyone else needs a drink too what
34:09the
34:10hell are you talking about clive dad is that you it's me son i've returned
34:21oh oh dad i can't believe it's really you okay that's good now tell him you can't stay you've got
34:28an important mission back in la there's a sniper trying to take out the world's top surfers in
34:33malibu i can't stay long uh my wife and i have suffered a personal tragedy and she needs me at
34:38home
34:39see it plays great shut out i have a stepmom what's her name catherine she's a widowed farm
34:46owner and she's hired me as a farmhand at her estate is that is he is that pippin he's he's
34:51doing
34:51pippin he's doing pippin he's fucking doing pippin god damn it no pippin but i thought you were a
34:57soldier of fortune you're blowing this you motherfucker sitting on the floor and talking till dawn
35:05candles and confidences clive's gonna beat the shit out of him trading old beliefs and harming old songs
35:15why mom oh my god what's going on what is all this mom what are you doing here jeff driscoll's
35:22mother told me you're having a party out here in the park why didn't you tell me fuck fuck fuck
35:25fuck
35:26fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck mom look dad's here abort abort get the fuck out of there what are you
35:32talking
35:32about that's not your dad say that's not your mother i hate giving other actors notes but i i feel
35:39like you
35:39come in so hot you're not giving yourself anywhere to go who the hell are you okay i can't work
35:45like
35:45this let me guess she's the producer's girlfriend bullshit hang on mom that was a good note i gave
35:50her too hey i've been way over the top hey what the fuck is going on here are you not
35:56really my dad
35:57no these two guys paid me to come here and play your father but let me tell you something this
36:02is the
36:02most shoddy disorganized production i have ever been a part of john rubenstein would never stand for
36:07this and neither will i oh fuck and cock fuck is this some kind of fucking joke oh shit oh
36:18god
36:18wait hang on hang on clive clive just listen okay you motherfucker you think you can fuck with my head
36:24and live oh i am about to beat the face off of you you're dead both of you you're fucking
36:29dead
36:30clive just wait one minute all right before you kill us just hear us out look i'm sorry we lied
36:36and
36:36said we were your dad but think about it what is a dad it's someone who believes in you someone
36:42who
36:43roots for you to do your best and who's proud of you when you work hard and you win we
36:48did that what
36:49do you mean we told you you could pass that math test and you did it didn't that feel good
36:54and when
36:55you got that b minus i mean what an improvement we were there pulling for you we were encouraging you
37:00to reach your full potential we did all that and didn't it feel good didn't you feel good about
37:06yourself yeah i i did you've really turned things around your grades are better you're smiling more
37:14i am all the guys in woodshop are saying so i've been thinking about taking guitar lessons you hear that
37:22he's thinking about taking guitar lessons what that's fantastic hey we're gonna be at every
37:28recital really absolutely we are not going anywhere bring it in here
37:38i'm so fucking proud of you buddy
37:42there you go oh okay easy there easy there lenny don't kill the rabbit
37:47okay all right okay hey what do you say we have some cake yeah and something healthy
37:53all right don't undermine me in front of him come on let's go
38:05i think we should try for another
38:23that
38:24my son turned 10 just the other day he said thanks for the ball that come on let's play
38:30can you take me to throw i said not today i got a lot to do he said that's okay
38:36and then he
38:37walked away but his smile never did and said i'm gonna be like him yeah you know i'm gonna be
38:43like him
38:46and the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
38:50little boy blue and the man on the moon when you're coming home daddy don't know when
38:56we'll get together then you know we'll have a good time then
39:10well it came from college just the other day
39:20we'll get to the end of the day
39:20we'll get to the end of the day
39:21so
39:21you
Comments