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00:04Thank you for letting us be ourselves
00:06So don't mind me if I repeat myself
00:08These simple lines be good for your health
00:11Keep them trying rhymes, get it sharp
00:13Live my life like I just don't care
00:15My thighs will leave us never scared
00:18Raving noise is the moment they fear
00:20Get up, sit up here, find it
00:22Get up, throw your hands in the air
00:25Get up, and shit on the way
00:27Get up, get up, get up
00:38Salute a magpie, secure your mirrors and knock on your wooden leg.
00:41It's Friday the 13th, we're live, and it's time for The Last Leg.
00:47Tonight on the show, America and Iran trade shots.
00:50We crack open a cold one at the Winter Paralympics.
00:53And our banknotes get a refreshing spritz.
00:57Plus, we'll be joined by comedians Richard Ayoade and Michelle Wolfe on the show that
01:02always laps up the news.
01:12G'day.
01:15Hi, I'm Adam Hill.
01:17Welcome to The Last Leg, the show that saw this photo released today of Andrew Epstein and
01:21Mandelson and thought, that's the hardest game of shag, marry, kill ever.
01:26As always, it's the pride of Dartmoor, Josh Whittacombe, and the man who thought the
01:29Strait of Hormuz was the Middle Eastern equivalent of Queer Eye, Alex Broca.
01:39Loads to get through tonight, loads to get through, but before we do, every now and then,
01:43okay, so something happens before the show, and it happened tonight, and it always happens.
01:46When Josh and Alex come out here, I introduce them to the audience, and we always do a little
01:50bit of a fist bump, or shake hands or whatever.
01:52And last week we did, Josh and I did the, because we're cool middle-class, middle-aged
01:57men, aren't we?
01:58And then we got to Alex and did the fist bump, and I did, and I went, oh, you can't
02:03do it.
02:04No, no, no, I don't, I mean, mainly because, like, I am 41, not a jock in High School Musical,
02:12but no, I can't, I can't believe, but you've been doing that to me for so long.
02:17Yeah.
02:18For so long you've been doing it, and you've only, you've only just, like, you've only just
02:21noticed, you're the only one that climaxes.
02:24You're such an unattentive.
02:26But no, I don't, I do kind of, I kind of, I pay, I do a little bit, it's not
02:31really an
02:32explosion, is it?
02:32It's more just a little sprinkle of, like, napalm, which is also what my Scottish mates
02:39call me, but.
02:40I mean, it all, to be honest, I mean, yeah, I felt really bad about this.
02:45I felt really bad about this.
02:46But then, look, you did feel bad, and I felt bad that you felt bad, because on the plus side,
02:51like, if you did it to Josh, and went, poof, and then you came up to me and went, eww.
02:56Fuck that.
02:58Imagine if I did that to Josh, I went, poof, and then I looked to you and went, oh, the
03:01explosion's already happened.
03:05So I felt, so I've had something made up for you, it's a little present here, I've had a
03:10fist made up, that when you give me a fist bump, a little explosion will happen.
03:16So, can you, all right, you ready?
03:18Okay, I hope this is going to work, ready?
03:20One, two, three.
03:21Whoa!
03:24We made the explosion.
03:29It doesn't stop.
03:31You look like you've wanked off a troll now.
03:35But am I allowed to keep this?
03:36Yeah.
03:37I'm going to have a good, bad after this show.
03:43All right.
03:46Look, we are live, as Penny Mordent found out last week.
03:51So you can send any questions you want to ask us about the news.
03:55Instagram, hashtags, is it okay?
03:57WhatsApp, the number's 07956175908.
04:00You can scan the QR code on your screen.
04:02For example, is it okay that the Bank of England is going to replace historical figures with images
04:07of UK wildlife on its next series of banknotes, and it's going to let the public choose which animals?
04:14No!
04:15Because if I know the British public, those animals will be Peppa Pig, Gromit, and a fox eating a nappy
04:20out of a bin.
04:22Before you know it, all paper money will be called Notey McNoteface.
04:26So they've gone for animals, haven't they?
04:29That's what they're going to put on.
04:30Is it basically because they're worried now with people, you don't know who's going to get cancelled anymore in the
04:35future?
04:35So they think they're safe going with animals, but you wait until they find out that there's a squirrel named
04:41in the Epstein files.
04:45Nigel Farage spoke out about that this week, and a lot of people have, blaming wokery or PC gone mad.
04:50But the truth is, there was a public consultation.
04:5360% of people chose wildlife, and Nigel Farage should know you have to respect the will of the people.
04:59Lib Dem leader Ed Davey was also up in arms, although his message seemed more accidentally comedic.
05:05Winston Churchill helped save our country and the whole of Europe from fascism.
05:11He deserves better than being replaced by a badger.
05:15Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
05:20Guys, the next bit is, replace him with two badgers.
05:24Ha ha ha ha ha!
05:24In a long coat, like they're going to the cinema.
05:28Ha ha ha ha ha!
05:29Look, it's not like Winston Churchill's being erased from history.
05:31He's still remembered by the war rooms, the statue in Parliament Square, the dog in the adverts.
05:36Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
05:38Look, we thought we'd do something different tonight.
05:40We've got a comedian and illustrator of the best-selling Adam Kay books, Henry Packer, here.
05:44And he's going to draw a banknote throughout the show tonight.
05:49Henry, thank you so much for being here.
05:50Absolute pleasure.
05:51Can we start, though, with my suggestion, a quick illustration of a fox eating a nappy out of a bin?
05:57OK, a fox eating a nappy out of a bin, OK, let's do it.
06:02Erm, so, start with the nose.
06:05This is a classic UK fox.
06:07Yep.
06:08Erm, OK, so that's the gob.
06:11This has changed into a very different show, hasn't it?
06:14There we go, the triangular ears, the key feature.
06:17Well, that is a good fox, isn't it?
06:19The nappy.
06:19Yep.
06:20So, it's out of a bin, right, so, er, yep, as an illustrator, we tend to go for the old
06:24- the old-school bins.
06:25It's the, erm...
06:28Oh, lovely.
06:28Yeah, I'll put it on there, yep.
06:30Erm, so, er, soiled nappy?
06:34Yeah, of course.
06:36I mean, who throws out a clean nappy?
06:39Fair do's.
06:40Level of soiling?
06:41Oh, no.
06:45Oh, Brooker on- Brooker on a Saturday morning.
06:48Brooker on a Saturday night, OK.
06:50OK, so that's, that's a really, really deeply heavy soil.
06:53Yeah, perfect, lovely.
06:53There's some dripping going down the side of the bin.
06:55OK, erm, right, so the fox...
06:58OK, oh, yes, for the fox, erm, do you want it on a stepladder to, to be, erm, able to
07:04reach the...
07:05Or high heels, that's the choice.
07:07Or can it be both?
07:09I've never done that before, but let's try it, yeah.
07:11LAUGHTER
07:11So the front legs are on a stepladder.
07:14Yep, imagine people just tuning in thinking,
07:16Alex Brooker's got better, ain't he?
07:18LAUGHTER
07:20OK, we've got the classic tail, obviously.
07:23Yep, lovely.
07:23And the rear legs in a nice pair of, erm...
07:28Nice, quite sexy...
07:30Oh, lovely, yep.
07:32Sexy high heels.
07:33Erm, and, erm, just as an illustrator, I'm legally bound, if I draw a bin, to draw a, er,
07:39fish skeleton sticking out of it, and a banana skin in the foreground.
07:44Er, also here's just, just some shit UK weather.
07:48LAUGHTER
07:49And, erm, yeah, there you go.
07:52That's, I mean, for me, that's the fiver.
07:55APPLAUSE
08:01Uh, throughout the show, Henry's going to be creating, er, a pound note based on, er,
08:06whatever we talk about in the show, basically.
08:08Yep.
08:08Whatever comes up, it's going to go on the note.
08:10Erm, thank you, Henry.
08:11All right, let's get into the big story now.
08:13Joe said, is it OK that the chaotic war has continued between US, Israel and Iran?
08:17Good luck, Henry!
08:19LAUGHTER
08:21Uh, this week, America and Israel continued to attack Iran and Lebanon.
08:26Meanwhile, Iran fired missiles at everything in sight.
08:28It kind of feels like Iran right now is basically the kid at school in a fight who just does
08:34this.
08:34LAUGHTER
08:35To try and take everyone out.
08:36It's really hard to do without hitting the desk.
08:38Um, Iran are hoping they can cause enough disruption to the world's energy supplies
08:42that they can stop America and Israel from attacking them.
08:44Now, they can do this because 20% of the world's oil and gas supplies
08:49pass through something called the Strait of Hormuz, which is right below Iran.
08:52So basically... Oh, sorry, Josh.
08:54Isn't that just the start of EastEnders?
08:57LAUGHTER
08:59Yeah, you know what's interesting?
09:01As the bombs fell last week, they went,
09:02BOOM! BOOM!
09:04LAUGHTER
09:05Oh, yes!
09:07APPLAUSE
09:11So what I found out this week is, basically, for the ships,
09:14the ships are all getting through.
09:16Yeah.
09:16Basically, the way they're getting through to avoid being hit by Iranian missiles,
09:20what they're saying is, is that they're saying they're from China.
09:23Right.
09:23So basically, it's like, it's all right for them to pretend to be Chinese,
09:26but, Josh, you did it once when we went out for that meal and we got...
09:28Yeah, yeah, yeah!
09:29Don't draw that!
09:34It's kind of mad to go to war with someone
09:35who controls something you need to survive.
09:38That's like starting an argument with the anaesthetist right before an operation.
09:41And I still regret it.
09:43LAUGHTER
09:44And he went in for an ingranto now.
09:47LAUGHTER
09:47Well, to be fair, you haven't got one now.
09:50LAUGHTER
09:54Petrol prices in America have jumped 20% since the start of the war.
09:58Donald Trump is clearly spooked. Watch this enlightening clip.
10:01The President subtly deflecting the blame for attacking Iran
10:04while throwing his mates under a bus that's now 20% more expensive to refuel.
10:08LAUGHTER
10:09In my opinion, based on what Steve and Jared and Pete and others were telling me,
10:16Marco was so involved, that I thought that they were going to attack us.
10:22It sounds like so playground, doesn't it?
10:25Like he started a war based on gossip.
10:28It's like, yes, Jared's gone up to him and gone,
10:29by the way, Donald, um, the Isle of Tollas reckons he can have you.
10:33Also, he says you drive a girl's bike.
10:37Yeah, I mean, World War I may have started with the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand.
10:40World War III might start because of Jared, Steve and Pete.
10:44LAUGHTER
10:45They sound like three guys in your chat group whose videos you don't want to open at work.
10:49LAUGHTER
10:49Or they're the three presenters of the Australian Last League.
10:52LAUGHTER
10:53And you're still bitter about them getting the job on you.
10:55LAUGHTER
10:56I, when I heard this clip, I heard something different to everyone else.
10:59Yep.
10:59I think he's blaming the war on former Liverpool captain Stephen Gerrard.
11:05LAUGHTER
11:05They've watched it again. OK.
11:06I've watched it quite a lot today. Yep.
11:08My opinion, based on what Steve and Jared...
11:13LAUGHTER
11:14Wow.
11:15LAUGHTER
11:18I'm just saying it.
11:20Do you know what? Jamie Carragher was in his ear.
11:23LAUGHTER
11:24Stefan Honsho was giving him all that.
11:28The war of memes continued this week.
11:30The White House released this truly tasteless video
11:32that made the war look like a game on Nintendo Wii.
11:47MUSIC PLAYS
11:50FALLING WATCH!
11:56FALLING WATCH!
11:57OK!
11:57All right!
11:59FALLING WATCH!
12:00FALLING WATCH!
12:03FALLING WATCH!
12:04Unbelievable. I mean, it's appalling, right?
12:06and it's not accurate because if it was he would have let go of the bowling ball and hit the
12:10school
12:10next door. Iran have hit back actually with one that's depicted Mario Kart but obviously Princess
12:16Peach isn't allowed to drive. Iran did actually hit back with their own homemade Lego video.
12:22This is, I'm not making this up, this is what they put out. This explains why they think Donald
12:27Trump started the war.
12:41They are totally winning. The UK are also planning a video of their own but it's going to take
12:46four years for Aardman Studios to make it out of clay. But it is going to be the best one.
12:53Oh mate, can't wait for Wallace and Gromit the wrong targets.
12:59So everyone's asking, what's the end game for Donald Trump? What are they hoping to achieve
13:04out of all of this? This is the thing though, any time in history when you go into the Middle
13:08East like when there's war and these wars are not over quickly. Yeah. No one ever goes into the
13:13Middle East for a quick one. It's like a beer garden. Like Middle East it's like a beer garden.
13:18You know, you go in there, you say you're everyone, it escalates. Always escalates and before you know
13:23it someone's like, shots, Jagerbombs.
13:29Was there a third? No. I'll be honest with you, it was a little bit sunny earlier and I was
13:36just
13:36thinking about beer garden. Before you know it, the Strait of Hormuz has backed up. The US military
13:43have reportedly... The US military have been using an AI model known as Claude to speed up the process of
13:50choosing targets. So what, does it talk to them? Like when I talk to ChatGPT? I'm assuming, yeah.
13:56You think you're bombing the Middle East? That sounds like an excellent idea.
14:00If you're saying, so it's, so people, the madness is the US using it. Yeah. Using AI to choose military
14:06targets. Yes. At the same time as people who are using AI to choose a present for Mother's Day.
14:12Yeah. Imagine if they got confused and they just started bath bombing Iran.
14:19Why is the Strait of Hormuz covered in glitter and petals?
14:23How long were you in that beer garden?
14:26I have an image of someone going, Alexa, take out the Ayatollah. And it's like, did you say kill
14:31the Dalai Lama? No, Alexa, no, no. Sorry to everyone at home whose Alexa has just gone off.
14:36And the Dalai Lama. On Sunday, Iran announced they had chosen a new supreme leader, Mojtaba Khamenei,
14:42who will be taking over from his late father. Although there are now reports he may have been injured in
14:46the
14:46attack that killed his father, might even be in a coma. So we're hoping he doesn't wake up and say,
14:51hello, my name is Mojtaba Khamenei. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
14:56He released a statement this week, which prompted the Telegraph to run with the headline,
14:59Mojtaba Khamenei has called for Iranian unity, but he may not be alive.
15:04This whole war might come down to whether we run out of oil before they run out of Ayatollahs.
15:08Who do you reckon's next? They're going to get through them. I've got an idea.
15:12There's someone who's looking for a new royal title.
15:19And he doesn't mind hot places because he doesn't sweat.
15:24He has to keep moving. Exactly.
15:27You know his nickname, the Ayatollah of Partiola.
15:31By the way, it was also revealed this week, the new Ayatollah owns various properties across London.
15:35They're currently available to rent on surface-to-wear B&B.
15:38And from Ayatollah to loves a dollar, Donald Trump has been handing out his favorite brand of
15:44affordable dress shoes to his aides and officials. And a lot of them are apparently, reportedly afraid
15:49not to wear them in front of him. Look, there they are putting the bro into brogues.
15:55Has anyone wondered whether this might be like Cinderella?
15:59And Trump has actually danced with a beautiful senator at a party.
16:02And he's just trying to find out who wore the shoe.
16:06And in fairness, he's already turning into a pumpkin.
16:09I'm looking forward to when he starts handing out his bronzer.
16:14And then goes, can I recommend a barber, guys?
16:18Meanwhile, the defense attache to the UAE has made the media this week, mainly because of his name.
16:22Uh, this is a lovely image of the sandy-haired military leader known as Captain Sandy Sandylands.
16:28Uh, which sounds like he's been named by the British public.
16:33The thing with Sandy Sandylands is once you have a bit of him somewhere, you just can't get rid of
16:37him, can you?
16:38Well, we loved the idea of Sandy Sandylands.
16:41Uh, and it turns out he's a slight fan of the last leg because we've been in contact and he's
16:46on a
16:46zoom chat with us now. So, hello. Is he frozen?
16:52Yes, he has frozen. That's not him, but he has frozen.
16:55Oh, has he? Sandy Sandylands, are you there?
16:59No, this does not auger well for our military technology.
17:05He might have another call coming in, in fairness to him.
17:08You know when, uh, you know when we said Aardman would be looking after the British technology?
17:12It does feel we're going at a slower pace than that.
17:15I'm not going to say I'm worried right now, but we're trying to connect with a British military
17:18officer in the Middle East, and I just heard in my ear, he's completely gone.
17:23I think he's fine. I think he's fine.
17:25Just to be very clear, this isn't a sketch.
17:27We genuinely were trying to get in contact. It now feels like we're playing a prank.
17:32Yeah. It turns out he's downloading a movie at the same time as he's trying to switch it.
17:36Let's move on and welcome tonight's guests. One of them tries not to laugh,
17:39the other one will make a how. Please welcome Richard Ayoade and Michelle Wolf.
17:45That's great as well, aren't you?
17:49That's enough of you. That's enough of you.
17:51Hi. Welcome.
17:53Welcome. Welcome, sir. Welcome to you both.
17:59All right, Michelle, I'm going to throw it at you. You're American. What do you make of all this
18:02that's gone on in the Middle East and Iran and everything, and Donald Trump?
18:06Well, I just, everyone says that Trump has dementia, and I just, I was wondering if he could
18:11get more of it. Not enough dementia happening in the world.
18:15He does not. I don't think he has enough. He seems to really remember who he's angry with.
18:20Yeah. And now we're at war with Iran, which could last a very long time. I mean,
18:26these wars are never quick. This war could go on for so many years that Trump wouldn't want to
18:30have sex with it anymore. And now, now we're, you know, we're supposed to trust our leaders,
18:40and you can't trust Trump with anything. You can't trust him with ordering an appetizer,
18:46or picking the music, or what fruit is ripe. You can't trust him. Hey, does that taste good? Hey,
18:54does this look good? You couldn't trust him with real estate, or spray tan, or makeup coverage. And
19:01now he's sitting next to the nuclear codes. And I think the only thing more alarming
19:06is if you went to your secondary school and Andrew was there.
19:10The whole world's being affected, obviously. Petrol, people are stocking up on petrol. Richard,
19:15are you stockpiling anything? I mean, I'd be looking to, uh, stockpile cravats.
19:22Because, you know, I want to remain sport. It's very, it's hard enough to get a good dry cleaner
19:27in peacetime. So, and these things, they're delicate. They're very delicate. You can hand wash them,
19:34but they'll fade. Do they pass through? You know, I need to maintain standards. Someone's got to look
19:39like a Columbo villain. After the apocalypse. Have you ever worn anything, uh, purely because someone
19:46gave it to you? This has been taken from a military dictator. Hopefully, I'll be able to travel there
19:53immediately after this joke works itself out.
20:00Now, we didn't get to talk to Sandy Sandiland. Oh, is he here? This is a shame. No, no, no,
20:04but you've come up, you've come up with the game based on his name. Based on it. Yeah, in honor
20:08of,
20:08in honor of Sandy. So, we were, we were inspired by Sandy Sandiland. So, we came up with our own
20:13name,
20:13our own game, which is about nominative, uh, determinisms. So, we're of course calling it
20:18That Job's My Name.
20:19That Job's My Name. That Job's My Name. That Job's My Name. That Job's My Name.
20:35Okay, the gameplay is simple. We're going to show you a job and a name. And these are real or
20:41fake
20:42people. You have to tell us whether this person really does the job. To lock the answers in,
20:47we've given you very simple props. If you think it's true, put on the trilby of truth. Brooke will show
20:52you that. Yep, there you go. You basically just, hang on a second. Just put it on like that, really.
20:57Yep. And if you think it's false, put on the fedora of false. Sorry, I love that you went,
21:01I might need to explain how to wear a hat. Yeah. The fedora of false. Okay. Put that on Hilsie.
21:06Put that on Hilsie. Okay. There you go. There's a fedora. And whoever we... The fedora of false leg over
21:10there.
21:10Oh, look at that. Look at that. There you go. How's that? Blimey. That's the most Australian
21:15man I've ever seen in my life. Now, there is a mystery prize for the winner, okay? Here's a mystery
21:21prize.
21:22Here it is. There it is. Let's unveil... It's not much of a mystery, it's a box.
21:28Let's unveil the first name. Brooke, read it out. Is there a urologist called Dr. Dick Chop?
21:39I've seen this urologist. I can tell you the answer is... It's true!
21:45It's true! Hey!
21:51I feel like that hat looked better on me than I thought it would.
21:55Is the president of the Royal Horticultural Society called Tim Flowers?
22:03I mean... They're taking it more seriously than I thought, Alex!
22:08I've got to say, a lot of these are guesses. Yeah. I would also... I feel like there's a guy
22:12named Tim Flowers that would love to work with flowers, but he doesn't. Wow.
22:17I can tell you the answer is... It is false. It is false. You've both got that guy again!
22:21But he is called Keith Weed.
22:24Right. That's also a urologist. Yeah.
22:31I like the way you made the joke and then flipped the hat.
22:36Next one. I can't demonstrate that.
22:39Right then. Is there a man who runs a temp agency called Steve Jobs?
22:46I thought he was dead.
22:49True.
22:52It's false.
22:54But I can tell you, I don't know if you know this, he did used to run a company called
22:58Apple.
22:58Come on! You've heard of it!
23:00Final one.
23:01One, Steve Jobs.
23:02Is there another urologist called Dr. Burns Cox? There it is.
23:08OK. Wow.
23:09I want this to be true about how I feel about men a lot of times.
23:14But I think it's false.
23:16Oh, it's to decide. I put on the wrong hat.
23:18I put on the wrong hat.
23:18Well, hang on a...
23:19Wait, I think we...
23:20For the gameplay, do you want to choose a different hat?
23:23They're not both of you, they're you!
23:25Well, I can tell you, the answer is...
23:31I'll go with the...
23:32True!
23:33Correct!
23:34You are a winner!
23:35And you win your prize.
23:37Which is a special pair of Donald Trump shoes.
23:40Oh!
23:41But don't worry, Michelle, you are not the only winner, because...
23:44Everyone gets a shoe!
23:45Here we go!
23:46Come on, Josh!
23:47You get a shoe!
23:48You get a shoe!
23:49Please don't frighten the lady in a wheelchair, Josh!
23:52Please don't throw wheelchairs at the same...
23:54Shoes at the same people!
23:55Keep going!
23:56Here we go!
23:56You get a shoe!
23:57We'll have more last week for you after the break,
23:59as we check out the action of the Winter Paralympics,
24:01and we finally get to talk to Sandy Sanderson,
24:03who I believe...
24:04Sandy Sandalins, who I believe is back on the line.
24:06We'll see you in a little bit.
24:21Welcome back to Last Leg.
24:22We're joined by Michelle Wolfe and Richard Ioharty.
24:25Uh, we have got in contact with, uh, Sandy Sandalins, uh, in the UAE,
24:30a defence attaché to the UAE.
24:32Come in, Sandy Sandalins.
24:33Yes!
24:34Hey, Adam, how are you?
24:38Thank you for joining us.
24:39What has your fame been like this week?
24:41It's been bonkers, mate, honestly.
24:43Um, the, uh, the reaction to the, to the ex-feed that the embassy put out has just been,
24:48um, been crazy.
24:49Seven, seven million views.
24:51You know, I just hope that half of those actually listen to the message,
24:54but most of them were, uh, um, were interested in the name and, uh, and the location.
24:59So, yeah, I, I am the Sandy in the Sandy desert in, uh, in the UAE.
25:03And Sandy is a nickname because, uh, it's normal in the army to give people nicknames.
25:08Are there other famous nicknames around you?
25:11I think, I think the one that stands out for me is the guy called Jock Stirrup,
25:15so Jock Strap, who was the most, the most senior guy in the military.
25:19And what I quite admire about him is a lot of guys when they get senior,
25:21they start, you know, Steve becomes Steven and all that.
25:24But this guy went right to the very top of the military and, uh,
25:26and stuck with Jock Strap, so I like that.
25:28Uh, and listen, how do you think Alex Brooker would go in the military?
25:32Oh, that's interesting, isn't it?
25:34I was watching last week and, uh, and I saw his kind of shower chair.
25:37So we, we have a unit called the mobile bath and shower unit,
25:39or we used to have in the pioneer corps.
25:41So maybe he could bring his bachelor along to that.
25:43But actually thinking about it, if he's going to serve in the military,
25:46then you've got to kind of go through, go through it all and not bottle it.
25:49And as an Arsenal fan, I'm not convinced he can do that.
25:51HE LAUGHS
25:52HE LAUGHS
25:55Sorry, Sandy, we're losing your show, mate.
25:58Um, it's all right.
26:00It's all right.
26:01It's all right.
26:02It's all right.
26:02All my mates call me Handy Handelands anyway.
26:05HE LAUGHS
26:05Good luck out there.
26:07Thanks very much for joining us.
26:08Sandy Sanderland.
26:10Sandy!
26:15Uh, moving on, Gemma said,
26:16is it okay that Peter Mandelson still has his lordship?
26:19Uh, so documents were released this week that led to questions about due diligence
26:22shown by the Prime Minister when he appointed Peter Mandelson as ambassador to the US,
26:26despite Mandelson's friendship with Jeffrey Epstein.
26:28Turns out the vetting process had all the rigour of BBC's iPlayer when it says,
26:32do you have a TV licence?
26:33HE LAUGHS
26:35I've got away with that one before.
26:37HE LAUGHS
26:38Uh, yep.
26:38What would have stopped him getting the job?
26:41Being friends with two pedos?
26:42Sorry, it says specifically criteria friends with one pedo or less.
26:47HE LAUGHS
26:48Keir Starmer apologised for the appointment,
26:50but if his vetting process could be represented by video,
26:52it would be this famous one of a Tottenham security guard.
27:08HE LAUGHS
27:09Any links to Epstein?
27:11HE LAUGHS
27:12But Alex, you said something on the show a couple of weeks ago that I think might be true.
27:16HE LAUGHS
27:16Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
27:19Mum, can you record this?
27:20How dare you accuse him of truth?
27:22HE LAUGHS
27:22Could he have appointed him?
27:24Get the trilby of truth on, Brooker.
27:26HE LAUGHS
27:26He's a possibly appointed Mandelson to keep Trump on side,
27:29because basically, Epstein, Jeffrey Epstein said supposedly,
27:33quote, Donald Trump doesn't have a decent cell in his body,
27:35which would suggest Epstein knew some shit about Trump.
27:37And if Peter Mandelson was friends with Epstein, then he probably knew some shit about Trump too.
27:43So maybe, like you said, send a wrong'un to deal with a wrong'un.
27:46And honestly, in a couple of weeks, you're going to be comparing the war in the Middle East
27:49to going in the beer garden.
27:51HE LAUGHS
27:52Mandelson apparently asked for just £500,000 when he eventually was sacked,
27:57but settled for £75,000, which makes him the worst negotiator ever.
28:01HE LAUGHS
28:01I just want to get out one tiny pun.
28:04HE LAUGHS
28:04Yeah.
28:04Because we had Sandy Lance.
28:06Yeah.
28:06He said, uh, instead of Mandelson, he should be kiddelson.
28:11It's not a good pun.
28:13HE LAUGHS
28:14The whole time I always thought, Mandelson, kiddelson.
28:18Kiddelson, right.
28:19HE LAUGHS
28:19And I've been thinking about it the whole time you were talking.
28:23HE LAUGHS
28:24I had to get it out of my body.
28:26HE LAUGHS
28:27I'm sorry, I apologise.
28:28Many people around Mandelson have said similar things.
28:30HE LAUGHS
28:32HE LAUGHS
28:33And that's the whole point.
28:35You set up Richard and he can dunk.
28:37HE LAUGHS
28:38All right, let's jump...
28:39That was also...
28:40No, sorry.
28:40HE LAUGHS
28:44I love the way you're also both mirroring body language and green trousers together.
28:48We're trying to out-defensive one another.
28:51HE LAUGHS
28:52How Sandy were his curtains, by the way?
28:54HE LAUGHS
28:54He was hamming it up.
28:56HE LAUGHS
28:57He came with a club act.
28:58He had the tightest three minutes I've ever seen from the military.
29:01HE LAUGHS
29:03I mean, I've never seen camouflage work so well.
29:06Yeah.
29:06I mean, he was basically the curtain.
29:09HE LAUGHS
29:10We actually had him on before, we just couldn't see it.
29:13HE LAUGHS
29:14Let's jump into the Winter Paralympics now.
29:16Steve said, is it OK that after two fourth places,
29:18Neil Simpson and his guide Rob Poth bring home silver?
29:21Yes, it bloody is for GB.
29:23Here's the medal moment.
29:26HE LAUGHS
29:26Come on, Neil Simpson.
29:27One last drive into the finish.
29:30He goes into the lead.
29:31But by how much?
29:324.96 seconds.
29:35Oh, that was fabulous.
29:3842.52 on that slalom run.
29:45HE LAUGHS
29:46Explain...
29:47It's worth explaining what's happening there.
29:50Yeah, so, like, he's being guided...
29:52So, the guy in the front is his guide.
29:54So, the guy's visually impaired.
29:55Neil Simpson's visually impaired.
29:56So, he's being guided, basically, by the guy with a Bluetooth headset on in front of him.
30:00He's basically probably going, like, left a bit, right.
30:02I mean, I don't know the exact terminology.
30:03Yeah, no.
30:04I didn't know you were an expert, but...
30:07What did he say if they want to go to the other side?
30:09Like, right a bit.
30:09Oh, bloody hell.
30:11But that is, like, the ultimate trust.
30:14Like, I couldn't trust any of my mates to do that.
30:18They'd just be going, left, only fucking about.
30:20It's a treat.
30:22Also, you need to trust your Bluetooth.
30:23You don't want that to drop out halfway down.
30:26It gets at the bottom, halfway down the hill, and you just hear...
30:33Best impression of Spotify I've ever heard.
30:36Shout out to Nina Sparks, by the way, the first British female para-snowboarder.
30:40And also, Davy Giv, the first snow sport winter paralympian with motor neurone disease.
30:46Davy said, was I fastest down the course today?
30:48Absolutely not.
30:49But my race and battle is with MND, and today I'm winning that race.
30:53Well done, Davy.
31:01GB and Australia currently have one silver medal each, but Australia also have a bronze.
31:06Meanwhile, the Italian para ice hockey team released this brilliant clip of their training regime.
31:33It's so interesting that in Italy that's training, but in Britain that's a pip test.
31:40GB's curlers didn't make it to the medal podium, but they did provide us with some of the best self
31:44-commentary of the games.
31:47It's right out there, like.
31:49Mine's good.
31:50Morgan's got the weight, though, Joe.
31:52How do you feel?
31:53I love the dynamic between these two.
31:55It feels like... I feel like a bag of milk.
32:01We've got those two on the line now, so please welcome Jason Keane and Joe Butterfield.
32:07No, we don't.
32:13Not again!
32:14Well, Sandy Sanderlums is going to pop back up.
32:16I have done this show via Skype as well.
32:19If you're away from Peckham, it's an hour.
32:22To be fair to these guys, they are at the Winter Paralympics, so it's not surprising they're frozen.
32:27We've got them, we've got them.
32:28Jason and Joe, hello!
32:33Alex, you want to jump straight in with a question?
32:35Yeah, Jason, I've just got, like, main question is, like, what do you mean by, like,
32:40how many bags of milk have you thrown in your life?
32:43I've never heard that phrase.
32:45Wait a minute, I'll just explain.
32:47It's not the curling stone that's a bag of milk, it's actually Jason.
32:50It is me.
32:51I am the bag of milk.
32:52Because, as you can see from many of the videos, I am a rather large portion.
32:58So, with my break being high, so I'm paralyzed from the armpits down.
33:03So, whenever I don't throw it well, then it comes out almost like a bag of milk.
33:09So, my coach, he, like, named it, and he was like, keep a hold of your stabilizer properly.
33:15Throw it strong, he says, and stop throwing it like a bag of milk.
33:18So, when I let that stone go, I was like, throw it like a bag of milk.
33:22It turned out it was a pretty good stone, to be honest.
33:26And Joe, of course, you were in Rio as well.
33:28You won gold in Rio in the Summer Paralympics.
33:31How does this one compare?
33:33Well, not quite as good as that, since we didn't get gold.
33:35But, you know, it's a bit different.
33:38The Winter Games is probably a bit more of a family.
33:40It's kind of a smaller group of people, and they've got a bit of a culture going on.
33:45But other than that, it's pretty similar.
33:47And Jason, as your first Paralympic Games, how are you finding it?
33:51It would have been a hell of a lot better to get a bit of metal around the neck.
33:55Like, that was the plan.
33:57But as an experience, it's absolutely metal.
34:01And, like, coming in, like, ah, wait, man, look at this.
34:04Do I look like an athlete?
34:05Next thing you know, ah, come on, you're going off to the Paralympics.
34:08You've managed to make the grade somehow.
34:10It's been unbelievable.
34:12Like, it seems a shame that it's coming to an end.
34:14And it's a shame that it came to an end a bit early for us as well.
34:17And are you aiming for four years' time now?
34:21100%.
34:21Hopefully, yeah, that's the plan.
34:22Like, it's pretty special in the Paralympic Games.
34:25We don't normally get to compete in front of a crowd.
34:27And the noise in the arena at the curling stadium there was insane.
34:31The Italians have done a good job.
34:33So, to come back four years' time is critical.
34:35Excellent.
34:35Well, get out there, get training, and maybe next time,
34:37you'll throw out, like, a semi-skimmed bag of milk.
34:40That way, I'll just take a bottle of milk will do,
34:43because it'll be started solid.
34:47Round of applause for Clayton and Joe.
34:49Enjoy the rest of your time there.
34:52We'll have more last things for you after the break,
34:54as we unveil this week's mystery guests.
34:55We'll see you in a little bit.
35:10Welcome back to Last Legs.
35:11We're joined by Michelle Wolfe and Richard Aiwati.
35:13Michelle, of course, you're off on tour this summer.
35:15Yes.
35:16The name of the tour?
35:16Best job in the world.
35:18Best job in the world.
35:19Oh, my God, I had so much hair.
35:21Oh.
35:23That was before I had a baby.
35:24I had so much hair.
35:25Look at this.
35:26I look like a little boy.
35:29Get Peter Mandelson away from me.
35:34And this just occurred to me, you didn't end up being a wolf.
35:38Yes.
35:38So, in terms of nominative determinism.
35:40No.
35:41I mean, how disappointing is that?
35:43Yeah.
35:43I could have been a wolf, and I'm a little boy instead.
35:47It's good news for Peter Mandelson, but...
35:50Well, but if you were together with Peter Mandelson,
35:52you'd be Peter and the Wolf, so...
35:53Oh!
35:56In...
35:58That might be my favourite joke that's...
36:00Everyone was so impressed, they didn't laugh.
36:03Yeah, get your own out.
36:05In medical news this week, a surgeon in London has performed
36:08the UK's first long-distance robotic operation
36:11on a patient who was 1,500 miles away in Gibraltar.
36:14Here are some graphic footage of the operation.
36:18A historic moment, 2,400 kilometres away.
36:24Unbelievable.
36:26We used a robot and a very specialised connection
36:30between London to Gibraltar.
36:34Didn't fail at all.
36:36The time delay between the two sides, 60 milliseconds.
36:42We need to get him on this Wi-Fi.
36:47For our Zoom.
36:49I'll tell you what, bet you he's great on them
36:51grabber machines in the arcade, isn't he?
36:54Just got a house full of the boo-boos.
36:56LAUGHTER
36:57It's impressive, but if you are the patient and they go,
37:00we're going to try a historic thing on you, I'd go, no.
37:04I want my operation to be done.
37:06I don't, I, yeah, you can do it.
37:08I don't want you to do it, though.
37:10The patient described it as a no-brainer.
37:12Which is ironic, because it was a prostate removal.
37:15LAUGHTER
37:15It wasn't, that's not a joke.
37:16Oh, yeah?
37:17I would, they have, they're doing robotic prostate removals.
37:21I just want them to do one thing for women's health.
37:24Just one thing, like a better tampon, or...
37:27LAUGHTER
37:27To act like endometriosis.
37:33Like, diagnose women correctly.
37:35Tell them, don't be like, you're just whiny.
37:38No, it's a real, there's fibroids filling my body.
37:42We can't get the robots to do that.
37:45LAUGHTER
37:47It is appropriate that it was a prostate removal,
37:50because, um, Gibraltar is very much the prostate of Spain.
37:53Um, well, no, by that, I mean, it's, it's hidden away at the bottom,
37:56no-one knows why it's there, but it's a lot of fun to visit on holiday.
37:59LAUGHTER
38:02Uh, in AI news, a woman from Florida asked her chat GPT this week
38:07to suggest a place to live based on amenities that she put in
38:10that she was looking for.
38:11She's now planning to move to Torquay in Devon.
38:14Yes.
38:14Because that's where it told her to go.
38:16Rightly so.
38:18AI has finally reached peak intelligence.
38:20LAUGHTER
38:21I love this.
38:22This Florida woman is going to go there and she's going to,
38:25she's going to see the sea there, which is going to be very different from Florida,
38:29and she's going to be like, is this where World War II happened?
38:33LAUGHTER
38:34This looks like the movies, am I in Dunkirk?
38:37And look, you might think Florida's different to Torquay,
38:40but Mar-a-Lago is a lot like the hotel in Faulty Towers.
38:43They're both owned by shouty dictatorial men who have zero people skills
38:46and don't get on with their wives.
38:48Although Mar-a-Lago has slightly more mentions of the war.
38:51All right, time to bring on this week's mystery guest.
38:53Michelle and Richard have to work out how they're connected to the news.
38:55Can we have the mystery guest, please?
38:57Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
39:00Mysterious guest.
39:01I wanna get close to you.
39:08So, this is Glen.
39:10Glen was in the news this week because he's going for his 18th
39:13World Championship.
39:15Mm-hm.
39:15But what is it in?
39:16Can we have the dramatic lighting change, please?
39:21Is it in being the quickest person to eat 80 grams of watercress,
39:26being the man with the mintiest breath,
39:29or being the person who can fit the most basil in their ears and nose?
39:36There they are.
39:37Have a look at him.
39:38Have a discuss.
39:38You're already thinking it through.
39:39We will reveal the mystery guest after the break.
39:42We'll also end the show by going head-to-head with him in a challenge.
39:45We'll see you in a little bit.
40:00Welcome back to Last Leg, we're joined by Michelle Wolf and Richard Ayoade.
40:02Now, before the break, we challenged our guest to work out how this person was connected to the news.
40:06Can we have the options again, please?
40:09So, Glen has been in the news because he's going for his 18th World Championship,
40:14but is it in being the quickest person to eat 80 grams of watercress?
40:18Is it being the man with the mintiest breath, or is it C, being the person who can fit the
40:23most basil in their ears and nose?
40:27The floor is yours.
40:28Ooh, I like that.
40:30Yes.
40:31Well, 80 grams feels a very specific amount that, with all due respect to the team,
40:39I don't think they would have thought up.
40:42LAUGHTER
40:45And when you say the team, I need to point out, it's Josh and Alex that come up with these.
40:50Yeah, that's what I meant by the team.
40:53LAUGHTER
40:54So, how very dare you?
40:57I very dare, and all of these are X and album titles, but...
41:01LAUGHTER
41:02I, yeah, I would say, um, 80 grams is very specific.
41:07I...
41:08It's just, he doesn't look like he eats a lot of lettuce.
41:12LAUGHTER
41:13Well, 80 grams isn't a huge amount.
41:16OK, I need an answer.
41:17It's just a specific amount.
41:18Well, you say you need an answer.
41:19I think we need to discuss it for another 10 minutes.
41:23LAUGHTER
41:24I'm most concerned about the belly button on the T-shirt.
41:27Yeah.
41:28OK.
41:28We need an answer!
41:29Let me put it in another way.
41:31OK.
41:32And now we've seen his...
41:33All the Kress's final answer.
41:35All the final answer, uh, it was Kress?
41:38OK.
41:39Well, at least I haven't even run that by...
41:41Yes.
41:42Yes, OK.
41:42Glenn, what is the truth?
41:44I am at 17 times
41:47the watercress eating champion.
41:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:57Where's your other 17 trophies?
42:00So, how...
42:01You've won.
42:01And I'll give it back every year.
42:03How did you get into it?
42:04Oh, it's back in 2002, Orsford, where I come from,
42:07started a festival up to celebrate the spring,
42:10where they got the first crop of watercress.
42:13Rugby boys do all the parking and helping out.
42:17We decided, after a while, we got a bit bored in the afternoon,
42:20after playing cock and ball.
42:21And then, uh...
42:23We haven't got time!
42:24We haven't got time!
42:24That's not a world championship you want to win?
42:26LAUGHTER
42:29Anyway, we got all this green stuff.
42:31What are we going to do with it?
42:32I said, we've had a few beers.
42:33Let's try and eat as much as we can,
42:35so you can eat the most of it.
42:37Didn't end up well.
42:38That's it.
42:39Puking up.
42:40And the thing is, next day as well,
42:42after a few more beers.
42:45Honestly, let's put it this way, I wasn't constipated.
42:48In fact, I had a ring piece like a dragon's nostril.
42:50Oh!
42:51OK, um, what does it take to be a good...
42:54a good cress eater?
42:56Is that...
42:56Cress-er?
42:57Yeah, what do you need?
42:58What do you need to be a good cress eater?
42:59Well, because it's peppery and horrible,
43:01in a sense, like that.
43:03I think, having a big hands and a big bob...
43:08Get it down there quick and get rid of it.
43:10And that's why I have the old Guinness afterwards,
43:12just get rid of it.
43:12Oh!
43:13How many other people are you competing against?
43:17It's just worldwide, you know?
43:19We'll tell you what, we're going to end the show by competing against Glenn.
43:22They do heats.
43:23OK.
43:23We're going to have a competition at the end of the show.
43:25Glenn, thank you so much for being here.
43:26We'll see you in a minute, because we're going to have a conversation.
43:28APPLAUSE
43:34Let's check in with Henry Packer, who has been designing a pound note,
43:39a ten-pound note, I believe, throughout the show,
43:41based on what's gone on in the show.
43:42Yes, indeed.
43:43Yes, so, yeah, this is sort of...
43:45Oh, wow, look at that.
43:46I've come up with.
43:46Actually, would you two mind holding this?
43:48Thank you, so I can talk you through it.
43:50OK.
43:50Yeah, so we've got quite a lot going on.
43:52We've got Donald Trump here using a Wii controller to control the war.
43:57Yep.
43:57He's on a sofa at home by himself.
43:59I've depicted him with quite weak legs, which is satire.
44:07But, of course, it's actually even more sinister than it looks,
44:09because Donald Trump himself is being puppeted by Steven Gerrard.
44:17I've got...
44:17Here we've got Sandy Sandilands, part one.
44:19That's Sandy Sandilands.
44:20That's him camouflaged against the persons.
44:24Here we've got...
44:25We've got Hilsey as a kangaroo.
44:29In your pouch, you've got...
44:31got Brooker and Josh there.
44:33And you're feeding Alex with milk.
44:37And just sort of ruffling Josh's hand.
44:39It's quite a sweet and slightly sinister image at the same time.
44:42Yeah.
44:43Then we've got Sandy Sandilands, part two.
44:45This is a more realistic take.
44:47I was fascinated by how low down his camera was.
44:50LAUGHTER
44:53And, yes, and then on the nominative determinism theme,
44:57I've tried it for everyone, for the whole cast tonight.
44:59So we've got Alex Brooker here, who's in a brook.
45:02LAUGHTER
45:04Which is quite clever.
45:06We've got, yeah, we've got Hills here as a hill.
45:10Yeah.
45:11There you go.
45:11With one leg, which is actually more than the average hill,
45:13so you're doing really well there.
45:14We've got Michelle Wolf, sort of hermit crab wolf.
45:18Henry, I'm afraid we have to wrap it up.
45:20Can you go through really quickly?
45:21We've got Rich Hard.
45:23So I've picked you as rich, there's money, there's money.
45:25You've got one of those hot taps instead of a kettle,
45:27because you're rich, you're also ripped, and you're hard,
45:29so the hot tap is actually going onto your arms,
45:31and you're fine with it, because you're rich and hard.
45:33OK, we need to...
45:34Thank you so much, Henry.
45:35Didn't have time.
45:37We're going to win the show with the Quest Eating Contest.
45:39Thank you, Henry.
45:39But before we do, would you please thank our guest, Michelle Wolf.
45:53We'll be back next week with social media star GK Barry and comedian Jack Dee,
45:58but right now, it's time for this.
46:00We'll be right back next week with the Quest Eating Contest.
46:12Simply the grass, yeah, better than all the rest,
46:21better than anything, anything I have.
46:31All right, we're doing this.
46:33We've got Cress in front of you.
46:35You've got to beat the world champion.
46:37What's your best time?
46:3825.5.
46:4025.5 seconds.
46:42Three, two, one, go.
47:12All right, Michelle, you're doing it.
47:15Oh my goodness, is Michelle going to win?
47:19I'm going to be honest, I think Michelle has done this.
47:30Of course, you know what you're doing.
47:32You know what you're doing.
47:43You're all right, Michelle.
47:44Thanks for watching The Last League.
47:46My name's Adam Hills.
47:46See you next week for The Next League.
48:09Thanks for watching The Next League.
48:16Better than anyone
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