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09:19Trans Glovesranservices
09:49Don't hold it right, it looks like you're trying to sneak a peek
09:51out of your redacted box.
09:53LAUGHTER
09:57That's what it looks like when two ahead of you is a mega bus,
10:01but ahead of you is a hearse.
10:04LAUGHTER
10:11Moving on, how are counsellors cracking down on fly tipping?
10:14Why would they do that if a fly gives you good service?
10:17LAUGHTER
10:19I thought, like...
10:22LAUGHTER
10:22You're right, really neat.
10:25I've got a fly tip.
10:27If you wear a button rather than a zip, you'll never forget to do it back up.
10:34You know, I remember 5010, my cock was always hanging out.
10:39LAUGHTER
10:39I know, I've worked with you for years.
10:42LAUGHTER
10:43And that's why you're now redacted.
10:45LAUGHTER
10:47Sorry, it just reminded me of a story.
10:48My friend got on a train and went to the toilet
10:51and he accidentally hooked...
10:52I can't tell it.
10:54LAUGHTER
10:55Just for the room, right?
10:56We'll put a black square over it.
10:58He went to the toilets and he had his earphones on
11:00and when he came out, he hadn't realised
11:03that when he'd done his trousers up,
11:04the earphone cord had wrapped around his business.
11:07And then when he got back into the train,
11:09he put his earphones on and just pulled his penis off.
11:17Time for a podcast!
11:18LAUGHTER
11:21Oh!
11:21The rest is history!
11:24What a weird December when your Spotify wrapped is just your dick.
11:29And presumably he wouldn't have been able to hear everyone screaming.
11:32LAUGHTER
11:33The good thing is, if we all do a joke about it, it has to go...
11:36LAUGHTER
11:38Oh, my God!
11:43Do you know what?
11:44He was very embarrassed and he let himself down a bit,
11:47but no-one knew because he was wearing a fresh pair of Gorton and Dentons.
11:51LAUGHTER
11:53At the end of that round, the points go to Angela Ahern-Glerd!
11:59Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.
12:11Now we play a game called You Think That's Bad.
12:14In a world where everything seems to be going wrong,
12:15this is a chance for our performers to compete to outdo each other
12:18with tales of woe from their lives and I decide whose is the worst.
12:20Do you care to start us off?
12:22I'll go first, if you'd like to.
12:23I bought a tumble dryer this week,
12:26because, you know, things are going all right.
12:27Oh!
12:27And I got it home and this tumble dryer is Wi-Fi enabled.
12:32And I don't really understand why,
12:33and it's made me really paranoid that the Russians are going to hack it.
12:36And I think they have,
12:37because the other day I took all the socks out
12:39and all the little ones were inside one big one.
12:43LAUGHTER
12:45You can actually save a lot of money on a Wi-Fi enabled dryer
12:48if you set a VPN to pretend it's somewhere warmer.
12:52LAUGHTER
12:55I'm really going to say that you have some trousers
12:57that really need washing.
12:58LAUGHTER
12:59I don't actually, because I wear Gorty.
13:02LAUGHTER
13:03You think that's bad?
13:04My girlfriend's got this parrot,
13:06she keeps in this cage next to the bed.
13:07I hate it so much, because it's just such an idiot.
13:10It's, like, genuinely the dumbest parrot I've ever seen in my life.
13:12It thinks I'm called Jonathan,
13:13it keeps asking me to fuck it harder.
13:14It's like my name is Rhys.
13:16LAUGHTER
13:18If you think that's bad,
13:20I once texted my dad saying,
13:22Hi, Dad, can you pick me up tonight?
13:24But my phone changed the word pick to oil.
13:28LAUGHTER
13:29Yeah, OK, Peter Mandelson, we believe it.
13:32LAUGHTER
13:32You think that's bad?
13:34The woman I'm seeing at the moment thinks my name's Jonathan.
13:37LAUGHTER
13:40APPLAUSE
13:42LAUGHTER
13:46Everything has just fallen into place.
13:49LAUGHTER
13:49If you think that's bad,
13:50last week my wife and I watched all the episodes
13:53of Game of Thrones back-to-back.
13:55Unfortunately, I wasn't the one facing the screen.
13:58LAUGHTER
13:59LAUGHTER
14:05What's the dragon like?
14:06Tell me what the dragon is like.
14:08LAUGHTER
14:09You think that's bad?
14:10When I was at school I once called my teacher Dad,
14:13instead of Daddy, that was a word.
14:15LAUGHTER
14:16You think that's bad?
14:17I just booked a non-refundable holiday to Dubai in a week's time.
14:21I think that's bad.
14:23I've had a difficult life.
14:23My earliest memory is getting hit round the head
14:25with a cricket bat when I was 28.
14:28LAUGHTER
14:30I think that's bad.
14:31I tried to impress a girl once by putting my foot down on the pedal,
14:34but apparently she'd seen a bin open like that before.
14:38LAUGHTER
14:41I think that's bad.
14:42My own phone auto-corrects my name to the word shit.
14:46LAUGHTER
14:48I'll hear it to shit, not shatter shit.
14:49You'd assume it'd be shatter shit, wouldn't you?
14:51I wouldn't perceive any of that.
14:52I didn't perceive any of that.
14:54Auto-corrects my first name to the word shit,
14:56auto-corrects my surname to the word shag.
14:59Which you are.
15:05Angela and I had a very acrimonious divorce.
15:08If you think that's bad, I've never even had a boyfriend.
15:14LAUGHTER
15:17Can we, in the edit, just use that?
15:20LAUGHTER
15:22At the end of that round, the points go to Angela Ahern-Glaire!
15:26APPLAUSE
15:29The next round is called...
15:32Redacted, Redacted Andrew Redacted Mansell Redacted Island.
15:37This game involves Angela and Milton,
15:39so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
15:41This round is a stand-up challenge.
15:42I launch a wheel of news and wherever it chooses to stop,
15:44one of our performers will step forward and talk about that subject.
15:47The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
15:49OK, here we go.
15:50Let's our first topic, please.
15:51Let's spin the wheel.
15:52APPLAUSE
15:54The first tribute is nudity.
15:56Who wants to come in with that?
15:57Angela.
15:59The look of fear on the audience's faces.
16:01LAUGHTER
16:02It's right, I'm not good at being naked.
16:04I don't like being naked.
16:05I've tried all those things you're supposed to do
16:06to be OK with your own naked body.
16:09You know, you're supposed to stand in front of a mirror
16:10and say out loud all the things you love about your body,
16:13but unfortunately the only thing I ever come up with
16:15is left nipple marginally less hairy than right.
16:18LAUGHTER
16:19I wish I was more German, really.
16:21German people are really good at being naked.
16:23You'll know...
16:23If you've ever been on holiday to the Canary Islands,
16:26you'll know it's just English pubs and German penises
16:28as far as the eye can see.
16:30LAUGHTER
16:30Well, they have the highest number of nudists per capita
16:33in the world.
16:34That's true for Germans.
16:35They love getting it out and they do,
16:36but they do it in a very German way, you know.
16:38They're not all embarrassed like we are, a red face.
16:41They don't,
16:41why wouldn't I want to get the air on all my bits?
16:43It's just very German.
16:44And I read about this because there's a German nudist movement.
16:48You might have seen their beaches all over Europe.
16:51They're called the FKK beaches, you know,
16:53the Freikorporculture, the free body movement.
16:55And I'm telling you about it because I read about the man
16:58who started that movement in the 1920s in Germany
17:02and his name was, I shit you not, Adolf Koch.
17:05Now...
17:08I can't stop thinking about Adolf Koch back in 1920s Germany
17:12because I think there must have been a moment,
17:13there must have been a moment where he went,
17:15oh no.
17:17Oh no, I started a nudist movement
17:19and my last name is English slang for male genitalia.
17:22Oh no, thank God I've got a nice normal first name.
17:27He didn't know, did he, what was going to happen?
17:29He didn't know what was round the corner.
17:30That's how you know that Hitler's the worst dictator, isn't it?
17:33Because he's ruined both his names.
17:35You can't call a baby Adolf anymore.
17:37You're not allowed to.
17:37You can still call a baby Benito.
17:39You can still call a baby Joseph.
17:41I said it to my friend.
17:42He said, yeah, you can still call a baby Paul.
17:44I said, Paul?
17:44He said, Paul Pot.
17:45I said, that's not his name.
17:50I'm glad you got that, Dara, because this is not fucking crazy.
17:54Well done, Angela.
17:56Very good.
17:59That leaves us with Milton.
18:01Let's see what your topic is.
18:02Spin the wheel.
18:05Topic is...
18:06Espionage.
18:17The Russians have infiltrated everything.
18:20Even the instructions to my cottage pie last night said, Putin microwave.
18:31But you need to know something, ladies and gentlemen.
18:33I've spent some time in the secret services.
18:36Yet the ones between Swansea and Cardiff on the M4.
18:44There are all the signs are encrypted.
18:53I'm not quite sure why I lost my job with MI5 as an interrogator.
18:58And I didn't like to ask.
19:02They said that reports have been defecting in a stairwell.
19:06I said they needed to read the reports more carefully.
19:14I was sponsored by Gorton and Denton.
19:20Another time, I was supposed to put bombs under ships in the harbour.
19:23I accidentally filled all our breathing equipment with nitrous oxide.
19:26I mean, we laughed about it at the time.
19:32Another time, I woke up in the middle of the night.
19:34There was a beautiful woman in my bedroom.
19:35I said, who are you?
19:36What do you want?
19:37She looked at me and went, Nikita.
19:41And sure enough, when I woke up in the morning, my radiator was missing.
19:57But it's not a...
19:58Nick Heater.
20:01And it's not easy to kill.
20:03Not even a mouse.
20:04In fact, I'm still banned from Euro Disney.
20:10Thank you very much. Go to Jones.
20:13Give that round a point.
20:14Go to Angela.
20:16Will you come back, please?
20:21Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.
20:33Our next round is called Picture of the Week.
20:36I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what is happening.
20:38So, Teens, what's going on here?
20:40That looks like 8pm Christmas Day when one person has still got their paper hat on.
20:48It's a serious occasion, so he's wearing the formal presidential trucker hat.
20:53That hat was actually Lincoln's.
20:57Is this a picture of the happiest meal anyone's ever had in a harvester?
21:02That guy coming in through the curtain going, sorry, I've got this room book from 4 for Zumba.
21:08Is that what chat GPC will show you if you say, can I see American Mock the Week?
21:15Would this be the least appropriate time ever for a photographer to say, now let's do a silly one?
21:21Is this photo taken, like, two minutes after he said, which one is Iraq and which one is Iraq?
21:28Come on, Donald, let's just plan one more bombing, then you can stand in front of the map again and
21:32pretend to do the weather.
21:35Well, they've hung black curtains and drapes all around and it's completely changed the shape of the room.
21:40Let's see what the owners think.
21:42I'm going to do something no president has ever had the bravery to do.
21:46Bomb the Middle East.
21:50That woman does look like she's just said, we did say that we would wear white today.
21:58Imagine Keir Starmer wearing a hat with GB written on it.
22:01I mean, Gordon Brown, all right.
22:04Anyone have the correct answer, please?
22:06It's Operation Epic Fury.
22:08It is, of course. Thank you very much.
22:11Yes, this is US President Donald Trump pictured in the Situation Room from where Operation Epic Fury was launched.
22:18This is news that the United States and Israel launched extensive airstrikes against Iran.
22:21In response, Iran has launched retaliatory strikes across the region and, at the time of recording, the conflict is still
22:26ongoing.
22:27We are aware there's a very sensitive and fast-moving situation and, obviously, we're everyone's choice, Mach the Week, to
22:33discuss this at some detail.
22:35Yes.
22:36Yeah, Mach the Week, they'll do a brilliant job of really, you know, digging down in a sensitive way to
22:41what is a very delicate situation internationally.
22:43Yeah, Epic Fury, isn't it?
22:45It's so American, isn't it? Might as well call it Operation Kaboom.
22:48Yeah.
22:49What they should be calling it is Operation Distract Everyone from the Epstein files for a bit.
22:54That's...
22:55Oh, shit, I've started a rally.
22:58It's not the most FIFA Peace Prize thing he's done.
23:02LAUGHTER
23:02No, I will say that that, and while that's maybe not the most important thing in some ways, it is
23:07quite the most striking thing that he's the first person to ever host a World Cup and bomb one of
23:12the participants in the building.
23:15There are very few precedents for that.
23:18I think you'll find Italy did it to Trinidad and Tobago in 2006.
23:23LAUGHTER
23:23Very much clever at the end of the news, yes.
23:25There are a lot of clever people out there. I mean, you remember Saddam Hussein, he had a degree in
23:30chemistry and combined in humanities.
23:32LAUGHTER
23:35Where is the...
23:36This is the...
23:39I just...
23:39I love that you just move on.
23:43LAUGHTER
23:43You never dignify Milton with response, you just turn away.
23:48I think the timing of it is, it gives it its time and then we move on.
23:52That's absolutely what we should do.
23:53This is the Situation Room from which this was launched.
23:56Where is this top-secret, secure room?
23:59Is it at a wedding venue? It looks like they've just cornered off a bit of a wedding venue.
24:02It's very much at a wedding venue.
24:04It's got all the security of a mum holding a towel in front of you at the beach.
24:08LAUGHTER
24:10What's happening? Are they saying, please stop talking about the war?
24:13Yeah, sort of.
24:15Can I remind you that you asked us?
24:18At no point did I go, yes, I know we're having some fun talking about shitting yourself into trousers.
24:22I'd like to talk about the war, please.
24:24Shitting yourself into trousers.
24:30I'm going to shit myself, fetch me the nearest pair of trousers.
24:32LAUGHTER
24:34OK, in other news...
24:37What's going on here? There's other news.
24:39Oh, Michael McIntyre's tours hit Blackpool.
24:43LAUGHTER
24:47That's the smile of a man who actually has a nuclear weapon.
24:51This is how you solve a small boat crisis.
24:55LAUGHTER
24:55He looks so shy. Doesn't he know he's beautiful?
24:59LAUGHTER
25:00He is. He's so cute.
25:02He is cute. We have to admit, he is cute.
25:05He might be evil, but he's cute.
25:06He's like a labubu made of asbestos.
25:11He is cute.
25:11Is he a little grab-the-cheeks?
25:13Yeah, he is.
25:15Do you remember, like, 20 years ago when you get, like, photos developed at the chemist and then sometimes you
25:19end up getting someone else's photos?
25:21They'd always look like this photo.
25:24He said, a busy morning playing Django with massive bricks.
25:28LAUGHTER
25:30Yes, of course, it's a story that Supreme Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-un, has officially named his successor
25:35as his 13-year-old daughter, Kim Joo-ae.
25:38There's another photograph released in this week wearing matching leather jackets.
25:42Looking very cool.
25:44There they go!
25:45Whoa, their jackets are matching.
25:49Where did they get them? The same shot?
25:53LAUGHTER
25:56They're the same height and they're nearly 100 bees tall.
26:00LAUGHTER
26:00What is amazing is that North Korea is going to have a female leader before the Labour Party do.
26:06LAUGHTER
26:07I didn't realise that Kim Jong-un succeeded his own father.
26:12It's just, like, it's so annoying when you really like somebody and then you realise they're a nepo baby.
26:17LAUGHTER
26:19Moving on, what have shop-difters in the UK been targeting?
26:22Chocolate bars.
26:23Yes, chocolate bars.
26:24And it's like a gang thing.
26:26They found bodies of ten men wearing concrete shoes in Wonka's Chocolate River.
26:31LAUGHTER
26:33Apparently there was one man who was found with a coat stuffed full with Cadbury's cream eggs.
26:40And, Reader, I married him.
26:43Yeah, chocolate bars have become the thing to steal now.
26:46There are lots of high-value chocolates out there, so...
26:48Freddo's are 45p now.
26:50Fuck off!
26:51Yeah, that's the real chocolate bar.
26:5445p for Freddo.
26:55I can't believe people are stealing chocolate.
26:57Maybe they should put a bounty on their heads.
27:00Yay!
27:02APPLAUSE
27:06I can't believe you...
27:07You can edit that out of your mouth.
27:10I can't believe you didn't believe in that, which is clearly the best joke of the entire show.
27:13LAUGHTER
27:15I remember years ago going into a newsagent and opening a packet of Perrot Rocher chocolates.
27:20Took the wrapper off and stuffed them down my trousers.
27:23And then the shopkeeper stopped me on the way out.
27:25And a couple of them just rolled out on the floor.
27:28And he said, are those chocolates?
27:29And I said, I hope so.
27:32LAUGHTER
27:33I did read the story about the guy who was caught with a coat full of cream eggs and all
27:38I could think is, obviously I don't condone violence, but imagine if they'd shot him.
27:43LAUGHTER
27:44LAUGHTER
27:46Oh!
27:47Oh!
27:48It's white!
27:48It's white and yellow!
27:51This guy appears to have cum everywhere.
27:55LAUGHTER
27:58Like in a movie going, you made me cum my own cum!
28:03LAUGHTER
28:05I'm washing my hands and I'm washing my hands, but the fondant won't cum off!
28:08LAUGHTER
28:11Is that better? Is that more they wanted?
28:13LAUGHTER
28:15We can go back to this.
28:17Insensitivity with the war or cum jokes about cream eggs.
28:21LAUGHTER
28:22We only have two tones here.
28:25Supermarkets are too accusatory anyway, man.
28:27Whenever you're at the self-checkout, it says, have you swiped your nectar card?
28:30It's like, no, I signed up for it fair and square.
28:32LAUGHTER
28:33They said that they're being stolen to order, right?
28:37And I just think, well, surely everything's stolen because someone wants it.
28:41Who's going, that looks shit, I'll have it.
28:44LAUGHTER
28:45TLC.
28:47LAUGHTER
28:53And that's the end of that, aren't they?
28:55LAUGHTER
28:56And that's the end of that, aren't they?
28:58APPLAUSE
29:03The next line is called Between the Lines.
29:04It features Glenn and Rhys.
29:06Would you make your way to the press pit, please?
29:07Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise of a leading figure on the world stage,
29:10while Glenn will translate what they really mean.
29:12This week, Rhys is Peter Mandelson.
29:15Oh, good.
29:17LAUGHTER
29:19Good evening.
29:20I am here to finally answer all your questions.
29:23And at the end of the day, there won't be a stain on my character.
29:26I can't say the same about my pants.
29:28LAUGHTER
29:30I am not worthy of my peerage.
29:33I'm the worst lord since Voldemort.
29:35LAUGHTER
29:36Let me be clear, I am not the Prince of Darkness.
29:39I have been stripped of that title.
29:42LAUGHTER
29:42I am now the Mountbatten-Windsor of darkness.
29:46LAUGHTER
29:48The idea of me as some evil manipulator is ridiculous.
29:53LAUGHTER
29:55LAUGHTER
29:58Jesus Christ.
30:03APPLAUSE
30:06My life is in ruins.
30:08Who in their right mind would consider employing me now?
30:12I'm delighted to accept the role as manager of Spurs.
30:16LAUGHTER
30:18I am proud to have created employment opportunities for young people.
30:22Thanks to Jeffrey Epstein, my husband's a qualified osteopath.
30:25LAUGHTER
30:26I am embarrassed by the images of me in the Epstein files.
30:29I look like Winnie the fucking Poe.
30:31LAUGHTER
30:32I am still good friends with Tony Blair.
30:35Well, you recently texted me saying,
30:37sorry, new phone, who dis?
30:39LAUGHTER
30:40I still have plans to make a positive contribution.
30:44I will destroy Harry Potter and become all-powerful and immortal.
30:48LAUGHTER
30:57So, what is going on here?
31:01Is this a photograph of a man whose only proven crime is friendship?
31:07LAUGHTER
31:11There is a male loneliness epidemic now.
31:16You've got to check in on your mates 10,000 times a day.
31:20It's OK not to be OK.
31:21That's what he was emailing.
31:23I mean, you can live on an island and also be an island.
31:27LAUGHTER
31:28I recognise this.
31:29That's the frustrated look of someone having to collect a parcel
31:31that's been left with a neighbour even though he was in all day.
31:34LAUGHTER
31:36It's weird to think that he's Nelson Mandela's son.
31:39LAUGHTER
31:45It's not commented on enough, I think.
31:48I mean, he must be an awful disappointment as a family.
31:51LAUGHTER
31:52Can you imagine being Peter Mandelson now?
31:54Every time the phone rings, he must shit himself.
31:56But luckily, he's wearing gauze.
31:58LAUGHTER
32:00APPLAUSE
32:01OK, at the end of that round, the poet is going to say,
32:02we're going to have a recent milk time.
32:04APPLAUSE
32:06Join us after the rake for more Mock The Week.
32:18Now, we play a round called What on Earth?
32:21I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.
32:23So, teams, what's going on here?
32:26Paul!
32:27LAUGHTER
32:30Is this how Jeffrey Epstein actually died?
32:34LAUGHTER
32:34Is he saying, come on, Iran, who fucking wants some?
32:38LAUGHTER
32:39The thing about this picture is, that guy on the right's camouflage is good,
32:42but the six guys on the left's camouflage is fucking amazing.
32:46LAUGHTER
32:46Is this the only gun that's got a trigger big enough for his finger?
32:51LAUGHTER
32:52Has he just found an unconventional way to scatter his mum's ashes?
32:57LAUGHTER
32:59To zoo?
33:01It does sort of have the vibe of,
33:03Mummy's dead and I can have a go now.
33:06LAUGHTER
33:07Is he saying, so, during Trooping of the Colour,
33:09this can fire three T-shirts into the crowd at once?
33:14Oh, man, if that's all that came out, that would be very funny.
33:16If they did all that, they would...
33:18LAUGHTER
33:19Three T-shirts of...
33:20Child!
33:23Is this just for if any more of his family decide to marry Americans?
33:28LAUGHTER
33:29Yes, it's actually an air rifle.
33:31LAUGHTER
33:33APPLAUSE
33:39Well, welcome to Radio 4.
33:42LAUGHTER
33:44Quip of the week.
33:48Oh, God, not on the BBC any more.
33:51Yes, this is Charles handling a missile launcher on a recent visit to an army barracks.
33:57What further indignity has his brother Andrew suffered this week?
34:00Oh, it's terrible.
34:00They've said that King Charles has told him not to go horse-riding,
34:04but I think King Charles just told him not to mount anything.
34:07LAUGHTER
34:09When was this, then?
34:10No, no, no, it's...
34:11That's a file photograph, it wasn't...
34:13He didn't immediately go, well, screw you!
34:17The big issue was the horse in question.
34:19That's Shargar.
34:22I don't get why he would want to go horse-riding anyway,
34:25cos that's kind of an activity that teenage girls are more...
34:28Oh, I get it, OK.
34:30LAUGHTER
34:31It doesn't look good.
34:33No.
34:34He looks horrible on a horse.
34:37LAUGHTER
34:39I think he was like,
34:40Charles said, we want you not to ride a horse, cos it just doesn't suit you.
34:45He was calling him in and going,
34:46Andrew, you look shit.
34:50Your legs are all, your legs are all out and down.
34:53Everyone have to decide.
34:54It's not a good look for you, Andrew.
34:56Do you think those trousers have been made by Gorton and Denton?
35:00LAUGHTER
35:02I don't think people would recognise him, actually.
35:04Well, you can see the bloke who was putting the lines on a football pitch
35:07just went right over him.
35:09LAUGHTER
35:11Do you think he...
35:12You know, cos he must be stressed at the moment with all this stuff that's going on.
35:15Yeah, yeah, yeah.
35:15I'm sure, it's his fault.
35:17But he must still be.
35:17Do you think he listens to relaxation tapes to try and take the edge off and it's like,
35:21just breathe, imagine you're on a desert island and he goes...
35:24LAUGHTER
35:30Apparently, now he's been banned from River Island.
35:34LAUGHTER
35:36At the end of that round, the points go to Angela Ahern-Glis!
35:41APPLAUSE
35:44Now we've come to scenes we'd like to see,
35:46so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area.
35:48I'll read it this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
35:51Here we go, the first subject is...
35:54Unlikely things to hear in hospital.
35:58Come straight through, we're not busy.
36:01LAUGHTER
36:04So, you're not going to believe this, but it turns out that with this sort of machine,
36:09turning it off and on again is actually the worst thing you can do?
36:13LAUGHTER
36:15I'm afraid it's bad news.
36:18I've left my wedding ring in your bum.
36:21LAUGHTER
36:24We have the results of your, are you allergic to chairs test.
36:28You might want to stand up for this.
36:31LAUGHTER
36:33So, you sat down suddenly on a golf course and had sudden rectal pain.
36:38That's a red flag for me.
36:40LAUGHTER
36:41LAUGHTER
36:43OK, just stand still for the X-ray.
36:46Great. All right, let's do a silly one.
36:49LAUGHTER
36:50You can't keep prescribing pizza, Dr Oetker!
36:54LAUGHTER
36:55LAUGHTER
36:58I've got the results from your X-ray.
37:00He doesn't want to get back together.
37:06APPLAUSE
37:09Well, I was told that screaming and shitting yourself during childbirth was normal.
37:14But now, apparently, I'm a bad midwife.
37:17LAUGHTER
37:17LAUGHTER
37:20Son of a bitch.
37:23Congratulations, Mr and Mrs Bitch, it's a beautiful baby boy.
37:25LAUGHTER
37:28Mr Smith, you've got a sausage up your nose, mashed potato in your hair.
37:32You need to eat more sensibly.
37:35LAUGHTER
37:35LAUGHTER
37:37I appreciate that you're upset, and I'm not trying to brag or anything,
37:40but I said he had six months and I got it bang on.
37:44LAUGHTER
37:46Madam, when I said open wide, I meant your mouth.
37:51LAUGHTER
37:52Well, Mr Wallace, incredible to see.
37:55They've done a very successful full face and full body transplant.
37:59I'm in the wrong room.
38:01LAUGHTER
38:03Yes, we first became concerned that you had a problem with cholesterol
38:07when we took a slice of blood.
38:10LAUGHTER
38:14We've lost him.
38:17Oh, no, he's over there.
38:19LAUGHTER
38:21I'm afraid you're going to have to take a pill a day, every day,
38:24for the rest of your life.
38:25So, here's nine pills.
38:29LAUGHTER
38:32The parking here is free.
38:35LAUGHTER
38:40Bad news, you did shit yourself during surgery.
38:44But good news, you were wearing Gorton and Denton trousers!
38:48APPLAUSE
38:51Going down?
38:52Yeah, I'll tell you how your grandmother's operation went in a second,
38:55but could you just press that button, please?
38:56The one that says morgue.
38:58LAUGHTER
38:59LAUGHTER
39:01Now, don't worry, this sort of shooting, stabbing pain
39:04is very common in people who've been shot and stabbed.
39:08LAUGHTER
39:10I've been a doctor for 30 years.
39:12Of course you can show me your scar.
39:13GRR!
39:14GRR!
39:15GRR!
39:20The surgery was a success.
39:21We managed to amputate your leg with no problems.
39:23And we kept the one with the cool tattoo that says amputate.
39:27LAUGHTER
39:29The next topic is...
39:31Things you wouldn't hear in a cooking show.
39:35And this week it's a tricky skills test,
39:38as we ask our chefs to negotiate peace in the Middle East.
39:42LAUGHTER
39:44As you can see, this lamb just falls right off the bone,
39:46which is why we're at the vet.
39:49LAUGHTER
39:51I want that real home-cooked feel.
39:54So I'm going to cock up the recipe, throw it in the garden
39:56and tell my husband to cook his own fucking dinner.
39:59LAUGHTER
40:00LAUGHTER
40:02And today on Celebrity MasterChef,
40:04the surrealist Icelandic singer is cooking pyork.
40:08LAUGHTER
40:13Hates peach?
40:14Hates peach? What do you mean, hates peach?
40:16I just want to know the chairman of the judges
40:18has a flavour of yoghurt he doesn't like.
40:20Oh, hates peach.
40:23LAUGHTER
40:26So if you just give a little tap on the bottom,
40:28you'll lose your job at MasterChef.
40:33Well, as you can see, chopping up onions has really made me cry.
40:37But, er, thank you for watching.
40:38Today's episode is in memory of our beloved family dog, Onions.
40:46Here's a little tip if you're making your own sourdough.
40:49Shut up about it, nobody gives a fuck.
40:56Today I'm making a classic roast chicken,
40:58with an American twist.
40:59The chicken's got a gun!
41:02LAUGHTER
41:04I've intentionally left the chicken raw in the middle,
41:08because I know Greg Wallace is going to be tasting it.
41:11LAUGHTER
41:14Simba,
41:16I know you thought it was selling out to do a Lion King cookery show.
41:21But I brought you a sandwich.
41:24Tuna tomato?
41:26LAUGHTER
41:31OK, this is Mary Berry saying,
41:34you've got five minutes left, bakers,
41:36and I'm getting fucking hungry!
41:40LAUGHTER
41:48Now, do be careful, because if there's too much oil,
41:52there's a chance you'll be bombed by the United States.
41:55LAUGHTER
41:59Now, I don't know if you do cheat days, but when I do,
42:01I like to call up the local Italian and have sex with her instead of my wife.
42:05LAUGHTER
42:08Simmer for 20 to 30 years and then snap and kill everyone.
42:13LAUGHTER
42:15Well, in 15 years of presenting Bake Off,
42:18that is the most delicious pastry I've ever tasted.
42:20I think you've earned the famous Paul Hollywood hand job.
42:24LAUGHTER
42:29Welcome to Is It Cake?
42:31Where you can't believe it's cake and we can't believe you watch this shit.
42:35LAUGHTER
42:38Once again, today we're going to be making fruit wine.
42:41I'm going to be using my feet to crush the banana skins!
42:45LAUGHTER
42:47APPLAUSE
42:50Now, this dessert is rather naughty.
42:51In fact, it features really quite prominently in the Epstein files.
42:56LAUGHTER
42:58What the fuck are you doing?!
43:00What the fuck is that?!
43:01This piece of... That's not a souffle, that's a piece of shit!
43:03You're a fucking lowlife!
43:05How are you going to win Junior MasterChef like this?!
43:07LAUGHTER
43:08That's the end of that round.
43:10The points go to Sarah, Rhys and Milton!
43:13APPLAUSE
43:15And that's the end of the show.
43:17This week's winners are...
43:19Angela Barnes, Ahar Shah and Glenmore!
43:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:23Commiserations to Milton Jones, Rhys James and Sarah Keyworth!
43:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:29I'm Daryl Breen.
43:30Good night.
43:35MUSIC CONTINUES
43:36MUSIC CONTINUES
43:36MUSIC CONTINUES
43:41MUSIC CONTINUES
43:44MUSIC CONTINUES
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