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09:47Trans titled
09:48If you don't hold it right, it looks like you're trying to sneak a peek
09:51out of your redacted box.
09:53LAUGHTER
09:55Yeah, that's...
09:57That's what it looks like when two ahead of you is a megabus,
10:01but ahead of you is a hearse.
10:04LAUGHTER
10:11Moving on, how are counsellors cracking down on fly tipping?
10:14Why would they do that if a fly gives you good service?
10:17LAUGHTER
10:19I thought, like...
10:22LAUGHTER
10:22You're right, really neat.
10:25I've got a fly tip.
10:27If you wear a button rather than a zip, you'll never forget to do it back up.
10:34But, you know, I remember 5010, my cock was always hanging out.
10:39LAUGHTER
10:39Oh, I know, I've worked with you for years.
10:42LAUGHTER
10:43And that's why you're now redacted.
10:45LAUGHTER
10:47Sorry, it just reminded me of a story.
10:48My friend got on a train and went to the toilet and he accidentally hooked...
10:52I can't tell it.
10:54LAUGHTER
10:55Just for the room, right?
10:56We'll put a black square over it.
10:58He went to the toilets and he had his earphones on
11:00and when he came out, he hadn't realised that when he'd done his trousers up,
11:04the earphone cord had wrapped around his business.
11:07And then when he got back into the train, he put his earphones on and just pulled his penis off.
11:17Time for a podcast!
11:19LAUGHTER
11:21Oh!
11:21The rest is history!
11:24What a weird December when your Spotify wrapped is just your dick.
11:28LAUGHTER
11:29Presumably, he wouldn't have been able to hear everyone screaming.
11:33LAUGHTER
11:33The good thing is, if we all do a joke about it, it has to go...
11:36LAUGHTER
11:43And, do you know what, he was very embarrassed and he let himself down a bit,
11:47but no-one knew because he was wearing a fresh pair of Gorton and Dentsy.
11:50LAUGHTER
11:53At the end of that round, the points go to Angela Ahern-Glade!
11:57APPLAUSE
11:59Join us after the break for more Mark the Week.
12:11Now we play a game called, you think that's bad,
12:14in a world where everything seems to be going wrong,
12:15this is a chance for our performers to compete to outdo each other
12:18with tales of woe from their lives and I decide whose is the worst.
12:21Anyone care to start us off?
12:22I'll go first, if you'd like to.
12:23I bought a tumble dryer this week because, you know, things are going all right.
12:27And I got it home and this tumble dryer is Wi-Fi enabled.
12:32And I don't really understand why, and it's made me really paranoid
12:34that the Russians are going to hack it.
12:36And I think they have, because the other day I took all the socks out
12:39and all the little ones were inside one big one.
12:42LAUGHTER
12:45You can actually save a lot of money on a Wi-Fi enabled dryer
12:48if you set a VPN to pretend it's somewhere warmer.
12:55Really going to say that you have some trousers that really need washing.
12:58LAUGHTER
12:59I don't, actually, because I wear quarantine.
13:02LAUGHTER
13:03You think that's bad?
13:04My girlfriend's got this parrot she keeps in this cage next to the bed.
13:07I hate it so much because it's just such an idiot.
13:10It's, like, genuinely the dumbest parrot I've ever seen in my life.
13:12It thinks I'm called Jonathan and it keeps asking me to fuck it harder.
13:14It's like my name is Rhys.
13:17LAUGHTER
13:18If you think that's bad, I once texted my dad saying,
13:22Hi, Dad, can you pick me up tonight?
13:24But my phone changed the word pick to oil.
13:28LAUGHTER
13:29Yeah, OK, Peter Mandelson, we believe it.
13:32LAUGHTER
13:33You think that's bad?
13:34The woman I'm seeing at the moment thinks my name's Jonathan.
13:38LAUGHTER
13:46Everything has just fallen into place.
13:49LAUGHTER
13:49If you think that's bad, last week my wife and I watched all the episodes
13:53of Game of Thrones back-to-back.
13:55Unfortunately, I wasn't the one facing the street.
13:59LAUGHTER
14:05What's the dragon like? Tell me what the dragon is like.
14:08LAUGHTER
14:09You think that's bad?
14:10When I was at school, I once called my teacher Dad,
14:13instead of Daddy.
14:14That was a word.
14:15LAUGHTER
14:16You think that's bad?
14:17I just booked a non-refundable holiday to Dubai in a week's time.
14:21LAUGHTER
14:22I think that's bad.
14:23I've had a difficult life.
14:23My earliest memory is getting hit round the head with a cricket bat
14:26when I was 28.
14:27LAUGHTER
14:30I think that's bad.
14:31I tried to impress a girl once by putting my foot down on the pedal,
14:34but apparently she'd seen a bin open like that before.
14:38LAUGHTER
14:41I think that's bad.
14:42My own phone auto-corrects my name to the word shit.
14:47LAUGHTER
14:48I'll hear it to shit, not shatter shit.
14:49You'd assume it'd be shatter shit, wouldn't you?
14:51I wouldn't perceive any of that.
14:53I didn't perceive any of that at all.
14:54Auto-corrects my first name to the word shit,
14:56auto-corrects my surname to the word shag.
14:58LAUGHTER
14:59Which you are.
15:02LAUGHTER
15:03LAUGHTER
15:05Angela and I had a very acrimonious divorce.
15:08LAUGHTER
15:09If you think that's bad, I've never even had a boyfriend.
15:14LAUGHTER
15:15LAUGHTER
15:17Can we, in the edit, just use that?
15:20LAUGHTER
15:21At the end of that round, the points go to Angela Ahern and Glenn!
15:26APPLAUSE
15:28The next round is called...
15:32Redacted, Redacted Andrew Redacted Mansell Redacted Island.
15:35LAUGHTER
15:37This game involves Angela and Milton, so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
15:41This round is a stand-up challenge.
15:42I launch a wheel of news and wherever we choose to stop, one of our performers will step forward and
15:46talk about that subject.
15:47The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
15:49OK, here we go. Let's our first topic, please.
15:51Let's spin the wheel.
15:54The first topic is nudity. Who wants to come in that? Angela.
15:59The look of fear on the audience's faces.
16:01LAUGHTER
16:02It's right, I'm not good at being naked. I don't like being naked.
16:05I've tried all those things you're supposed to do to be OK with your own naked body.
16:09You know, you're supposed to stand in front of a mirror and say out loud all the things you love
16:12about your body,
16:13but unfortunately the only thing I ever come up with is left nipple marginally less hairy than right.
16:18LAUGHTER
16:19I wish I was more German, really. German people are really good at being naked.
16:23You'll know, if you've ever been on holiday to the Canary Islands,
16:26you'll know it's just English pubs and German penises as far as the eye can see.
16:30LAUGHTER
16:30Well, they have the highest number of nudists per capita in the world.
16:34That's true for Germans. They love getting it out.
16:36And they do, but they do it in a very German way, you know.
16:38They're not all embarrassed like we are, a red face.
16:41They don't, why wouldn't I want to get the air on all my bits?
16:43It's just very German.
16:44And I read about this because there's a German nudist movement.
16:48You might have seen their beaches all over Europe.
16:51They're called the FKK beaches.
16:53You know, the Freikorporculture, the free body movement.
16:55And I'm telling you about it because I read about the man who started that movement in the 1920s in
17:01Germany
17:02and his name was, I shit you not, Adolf Koch.
17:05Now, I can't stop thinking about Adolf Koch back in 1920s Germany.
17:12Because I think there must have been a moment, there must have been a moment where he went,
17:15Oh, no.
17:17Oh, no, I started a nudist movement and my last name is English slang for male genitalia.
17:22Oh, no.
17:23Thank God I've got a nice normal first name.
17:27He didn't know, did he, what was going to happen?
17:29He didn't know what was round the corner.
17:30That's how you know that Hitler's the worst dictator, isn't it?
17:33Because he's ruined both his names.
17:35You can't call a baby Adolf anymore.
17:37You're not allowed to.
17:37You can still call a baby Benito.
17:39You can still call a baby Joseph.
17:41I said it to my friend.
17:42He said, yeah, you can still call a baby Paul.
17:44I said, Paul.
17:44He said, Paul Pot.
17:45I said, that's not his name.
17:50I'm glad you got that, Dara, because this is not fucking useful.
17:55Well done, Angela.
17:56Very good.
17:59That leaves us with Milton.
18:01Let's see what your topic is.
18:02Spin the wheel.
18:06Topic is...
18:07Espionage.
18:17The Russians have infiltrated everything.
18:20Even the instructions to my cottage pie last night said,
18:23Putin microwave.
18:31But you need to know something, ladies and gentlemen.
18:33I've spent some time in the secret services.
18:36The ones between Swansea and Cardiff on the M4.
18:44Where all the signs are encrypted.
18:53I'm not quite sure why I lost my job with MI5 as an interrogator.
18:58And I didn't like to ask.
19:02They said that reports have been defecting in a stairwell.
19:06I said they needed to read the reports more carefully.
19:14I was sponsored by Gorton and Denton.
19:20Another time, I was supposed to put bombs under ships in the harbour.
19:23I accidentally filled all our breathing equipment with nitrous oxide.
19:26I mean...
19:27We laughed about it at the time.
19:32Another time, I woke up in the middle of the night.
19:34There was a beautiful woman in my bedroom.
19:35I said, who are you?
19:36What do you want?
19:37She looked at me and went...
19:40Nikita.
19:41And sure enough, when I woke up in the morning, my radiator was missing.
19:57But it's not a...
19:58Nikita.
20:01It's not easy to kill.
20:03Not even a mouse.
20:04In fact, I'm still banned from Euro Disney.
20:10Thank you very much.
20:11Go to Jones.
20:13Give that round of points.
20:14Go to Angela.
20:16Both of you come back, please.
20:21Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.
20:32APPLAUSE
20:32Our next round is called Picture of the Week.
20:36I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what is happening.
20:38So, James, what's going on here?
20:41It looks like 8pm Christmas Day when one person has still got their paper hat on.
20:48It's a serious occasion, so he's wearing the formal presidential trucker hat.
20:54That hat was actually Lincoln's.
20:57Is this a picture of the happiest meal anyone's ever had in a harvester?
21:02That guy coming in through the curtain going,
21:04Sorry, I've got this room booked from 4 for Zumba.
21:08Is that what chat GPC will show you if you say,
21:11Can I see American Mock the Week?
21:15Would this be the least appropriate time ever for a photographer to say,
21:19Now, let's do a silly one.
21:21Has this photo taken, like, two minutes after he said,
21:24Which one is Iraq and which one is Iraq?
21:28Come on, Donald, let's just plan one more bombing,
21:30then you can stand in front of the map again and pretend to do the weather.
21:34LAUGHTER
21:35Well, they've hung black curtains and drapes all around
21:38and it's completely changed the shape of the room.
21:40Let's see what the owners think.
21:41LAUGHTER
21:42I'm going to do something no president has ever had the bravery to do.
21:46Bomb the Middle East.
21:48LAUGHTER
21:50That woman does look like she's just said,
21:52We did say that we would wear white today.
21:55LAUGHTER
21:58Imagine Keir Starmer wearing a hat with GB written on it.
22:01I mean, Gordon Brown, all right.
22:04LAUGHTER
22:05Anyone have the correct answer, please?
22:06It's Operation Epic Fury.
22:08It is, of course.
22:09Thank you very much, Ahir Shah.
22:10APPLAUSE
22:12Yes, this is US President Donald Trump pictured in the Situation Room
22:15from where Operation Epic Fury was launched.
22:18This is news that the United States and Israel
22:19launched extensive airstrikes against Iran.
22:21In response, Iran has launched retaliatory strikes across the region
22:24and at the time of recording, the conflict is still ongoing.
22:27We are aware there's a very sensitive and fast-moving situation
22:29and, obviously, we're everyone's choice, Mach the Week,
22:32to discuss this at some detail.
22:36Yeah, Mach the Week, they'll do a brilliant job
22:38of really digging down in a sensitive way
22:40to what is a very delicate situation internationally.
22:43Yeah, Epic Fury, isn't it?
22:45It's so American, isn't it?
22:46Might as well call it Operation Kaboom.
22:48LAUGHTER
22:49What they should be calling it is Operation Distract Everyone
22:52from the Epstein files for a bit.
22:54APPLAUSE
22:55Oh, shit, I'm starting a rally.
22:58It's not the most FIFA Peace Prize thing he's done.
23:01LAUGHTER
23:03No, I will say that that,
23:04and while that's maybe not the most important thing in some ways,
23:07it is quite the most striking thing that he's the first person
23:09to ever host a World Cup and bomb one of the participants
23:13in the building.
23:15There's very few...
23:16There are very few precedents for that.
23:18I think you'll find Italy did it to Trinidad and Tobago in 2006.
23:23LAUGHTER
23:24Very much clever to the end of the news, yes.
23:25There are a lot of clever people out there.
23:27I mean, you remember Saddam Hussein,
23:28he had a degree in chemistry and combined in humanities.
23:32LAUGHTER
23:35Where is the...
23:36This is the...
23:39I just...
23:39I love that you just move on.
23:43LAUGHTER
23:43You never dignify Milton with a response, you just turn away.
23:48LAUGHTER
23:48I think the timing of it is, it gives it its time and then we move on.
23:52That's absolutely what we should do.
23:53This is the Situation Room from which this was launched.
23:56Where is this top-secret, secure room?
23:59Is it at a wedding venue?
24:00It looks like they've just cornered off a bit of a wedding venue.
24:03It's very much at a wedding venue.
24:04It's got all the security of a mum holding a towel in front of you at the beach.
24:08LAUGHTER
24:10What's happening? Are they saying,
24:11please stop talking about the war?
24:13Yeah, sort of.
24:14LAUGHTER
24:15Can I remind you that you asked us?
24:18At no point did I go,
24:19yes, I know we're having some fun talking about shitting yourself into trousers,
24:22I'd like to talk about the war, please.
24:25Shitting yourself...
24:25Into trousers!
24:28LAUGHTER
24:30I'm going to shit myself, fetch me the nearest pair of trousers!
24:34OK, in other news...
24:37What's going on here?
24:38There's other news?
24:39Or Michael McIntyre's tours hit Blackpool!
24:42LAUGHTER
24:47That's the smile of a man who actually has a nuclear weapon.
24:51LAUGHTER
24:52This is how you solve a small boat crisis.
24:56He looks so shy.
24:57Doesn't he know he's beautiful?
25:00LAUGHTER
25:00He is, he's so cute.
25:01He is cute.
25:03We have to admit, he is cute.
25:05He might be evil, but he's cute.
25:06He's like a labubu made of asbestos.
25:09LAUGHTER
25:11He is cute.
25:11Is he a little grab-the-cheeks...
25:13Yeah, he is a little baby!
25:15Do you remember, like, 20 years ago when you'd get, like,
25:17photos developed at the chemist and then sometimes you'd end up
25:20getting someone else's photos?
25:21They'd always look like this photo.
25:24He said, a busy morning playing Django with massive bricks.
25:28LAUGHTER
25:30Yes, of course, it's a story that Supreme Leader of North Korea,
25:33Kim Jong-un, has officially named his successor as his 13-year-old
25:36daughter, Kim Joo-ae.
25:38There's another photograph released in this week wearing matching
25:41leather jackets.
25:42Looking very cool.
25:44There they go!
25:45Whoa, their jackets are matching.
25:47LAUGHTER
25:49Where'd they get them? The same shot?
25:53LAUGHTER
25:56They're the same height and they're nearly 100 bees tall.
26:00What is amazing is that North Korea is going to have a female leader
26:04before the Labour Party do.
26:06LAUGHTER
26:08I didn't realise that Kim Jong-un succeeded his own father.
26:12And it's just, like, it's so annoying when you really like somebody
26:14and then you realise they're a Nepo baby.
26:17LAUGHTER
26:19Moving on.
26:20What have shop-difters in the UK been targeting?
26:22Chocolate bar. Yes, chocolate bar.
26:24And it's, like, a gang thing.
26:26They found bodies of ten men wearing concrete shoes
26:30in Wonka's Chocolate River.
26:31LAUGHTER
26:33Now, apparently there was one man was found with a coat full,
26:37stuffed full with Cadbury's cream eggs.
26:40And, reader, I married him.
26:43Yeah, chocolate bars have become the thing to steal now.
26:46There are lots of high-value chocolates out there, so...
26:48Freddo's a 45p now.
26:50Fuck off!
26:51Yeah, that's the real chocolate crime.
26:5445p for Freddo.
26:55I can't believe people are stealing chocolate.
26:57Maybe they should put a bounty on their head.
26:59Yay!
27:01LAUGHTER
27:04APPLAUSE
27:06I can't believe you...
27:07You can edit that out of your mouth.
27:09I can't believe you didn't believe in that,
27:11which is clearly the best joke of the entire show.
27:14LAUGHTER
27:15I remember years ago going into a newsagent
27:17and opening a packet of Poirot Rocher chocolates,
27:20took the wrapper off and stuffed them down my trousers
27:23and then the shopkeeper stopped me on the way out
27:25and a couple of them just rolled out on the floor.
27:28And he said, are those chocolates?
27:29And I said, I hope so.
27:31LAUGHTER
27:33I did read the story about the guy
27:36who was caught with a coat full of cream eggs
27:38and all I could think is, obviously I don't condone violence,
27:41but imagine if they'd shot him.
27:43LAUGHTER
27:43LAUGHTER
27:46Oh! Oh, no! Oh!
27:48It's white! It's white and yellow!
27:49White and yellow!
27:51This guy appears to have cum everywhere.
27:55LAUGHTER
27:58Like in a movie going,
27:59you made me cum my own cum!
28:03LAUGHTER
28:05I'm washing my hands and I'm washing my hands,
28:07but the fondant won't come off!
28:09LAUGHTER
28:11Is that better? Is that more what they want?
28:13LAUGHTER
28:15We can go back to it.
28:17Insensitivity about the wall
28:18or cum jokes about cream eggs!
28:20LAUGHTER
28:22We only have two tones here.
28:25Supermarkets are too accusatory anyway, man.
28:27Whenever you're at the self-checkout, it says,
28:29have you swiped your nectar card?
28:30It's like, no, I signed up for it fair and square.
28:32LAUGHTER
28:33They said that they're being stolen to order, right?
28:36And I just think, well, surely everything's stolen
28:39because someone wants it.
28:41Yeah.
28:41Who's going, that looks shit, I'll have it.
28:44It's closing enough.
28:46LAUGHTER
28:53And that's the end of that, aren't we?
28:55LAUGHTER
28:56And that's the end of that, aren't we?
28:56And that's the end of that, aren't we?
28:57And that's the end of that, aren't we?
28:58APPLAUSE
29:03The next line is called Between the Lines.
29:04It features Glenn and Rhys.
29:06Would you make your way to the press pit, please?
29:07Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise of a leading figure
29:10on the world stage, while Glenn will translate what they really mean.
29:12This week, Rhys is Peter Mandelson.
29:15Oh, good.
29:17LAUGHTER
29:19Good evening.
29:20I am here to finally answer all your questions.
29:23And at the end of the day, there won't be a stain on my character.
29:26I can't say the same about my pants.
29:28LAUGHTER
29:30I am not worthy of my peerage.
29:33I'm the worst lord since Voldemort.
29:35LAUGHTER
29:36Let me be clear, I am not the Prince of Darkness.
29:39I have been stripped of that title.
29:42I am now the Mountbatten-Windsor of darkness.
29:45LAUGHTER
29:48APPLAUSE
29:48The idea of me as some evil manipulator is ridiculous.
29:53LAUGHTER
29:55LAUGHTER
30:06My life is in ruins.
30:08Who in their right mind would consider employing me now?
30:12I am delighted to accept the role as manager of Spurs.
30:15LAUGHTER
30:18I am proud to have created employment opportunities for young people.
30:22Thanks to Jeffrey Epstein, my husband's a qualified osteopath.
30:25LAUGHTER
30:25I am embarrassed by the images of me in the Epstein files.
30:29I look like Winnie the fucking Poe!
30:31LAUGHTER
30:32I am still good friends with Tony Blair.
30:35Well, you recently texted me saying,
30:37sorry, new phone, who dis?
30:39LAUGHTER
30:39I still have plans to make a positive contribution.
30:44I will destroy Harry Potter and become all-powerful and immortal!
30:48LAUGHTER
30:50Well done, Rhys and Claire!
30:52APPLAUSE
30:54APPLAUSE
30:58So, what is going on here?
31:01Is this a photograph of a man whose only proven crime is friendship?
31:07LAUGHTER
31:11There is a male loneliness epidemic now.
31:15LAUGHTER
31:16You've got to check in on your mates 10,000 times a day.
31:20It's OK not to be OK.
31:21That's what he was emailing.
31:23I mean, you can live on an island and also be an island.
31:26LAUGHTER
31:28I recognise this.
31:29That's the frustrated look of someone having to collect a parcel
31:31that's been left with a neighbour even though he was in all day.
31:34LAUGHTER
31:36It's weird to think that he's Nelson Mandela's son.
31:40LAUGHTER
31:45It's not commented on enough, I think.
31:48I mean, he must be an awful disappointment as a family.
31:52LAUGHTER
31:52Imagine being Peter Mandelson now.
31:54Every time the phone rings, he must shit himself.
31:56But luckily, he's wearing gauze.
31:58LAUGHTER
32:00APPLAUSE
32:01OK, at the end of that round, the phone's going to say a recent milk time!
32:04APPLAUSE
32:06Join us after the break for more Mock The Week.
32:12APPLAUSE
32:18Now we play a round called What on Earth?
32:21I showed the panel a topical image and asked them to tell me what's happening.
32:24So, teams, what's going on here?
32:26Paul!
32:27LAUGHTER
32:30Is this how Jeffrey Epstein actually died?
32:34LAUGHTER
32:34Is he saying, come on, Iran, who fucking wants something?
32:38LAUGHTER
32:39The thing about this picture is, that guy on the right's camouflage is good, but the six guys on the
32:43left's camouflage is fucking amazing.
32:46LAUGHTER
32:47Is this the only gun that's got a trigger big enough for his finger?
32:51LAUGHTER
32:52Has he just found an unconventional way to scatter his mum's ashes?
32:57LAUGHTER
32:59To zoo?
33:01It does sort of have the vibe of, Mummy's dead and I can have a go now.
33:06LAUGHTER
33:07Is he saying, so, during Trooping of the Colour, this can fire three T-shirts into the crowd at once?
33:13LAUGHTER
33:14Oh, man, if that's all that came out, that would be very funny. If they did all that, they would...
33:17BUMP, BUMP, BUMP!
33:19Three T-shirts of...
33:20CHILD!
33:22LAUGHTER
33:23Is this just for if any more of his family decide to marry Americans?
33:28LAUGHTER
33:29Yes, it's actually an air rifle.
33:31Oh!
33:33LAUGHTER
33:34APPLAUSE
33:39Well, welcome to Radio 4.
33:42LAUGHTER
33:44Quip of the week.
33:46LAUGHTER
33:48Oh, God, not on the BBC anymore.
33:51Yes, this is Charles handling a missile launcher on a recent visit to an army barracks.
33:57What further indignity has his brother Andrew suffered this week?
34:00Oh, it's terrible.
34:01They've said that King Charles has told him not to go horse-riding,
34:04but I think King Charles just told him not to mount anything.
34:07LAUGHTER
34:09When was this, then?
34:10No, no, no, it's...
34:11That's a file photograph, it wasn't...
34:13He didn't immediately go, well, screw you!
34:17The big issue was the horse in question.
34:19That's Shargar.
34:22I don't get why he would want to go horse-riding anyway,
34:25cos that's kind of an activity that teenage girls are more...
34:28Oh, I get it, OK.
34:30LAUGHTER
34:31It doesn't look good.
34:33No.
34:34He looks horrible on a horse.
34:37LAUGHTER
34:39I think he was like,
34:40Charles said, we want you not to ride a horse, cos it just doesn't suit you.
34:45He was calling him in and going,
34:46Andrew, you look shit.
34:49LAUGHTER
34:50Your legs are all out and down.
34:53Everyone have to decide.
34:54It's not a good look for you, Andrew.
34:56Do you think those trousers have been made by Gorton and Denton?
35:00LAUGHTER
35:02I don't think people would recognise him, actually.
35:04Well, you can see the bloke who was putting the lines on a football pitch
35:07just went right over him.
35:09LAUGHTER
35:11Do you think he...
35:12You know, cos he must be stressed at the moment with all this stuff
35:14that's going on. Yeah.
35:15Sure, it's his fault.
35:17But he must still be.
35:17Do you think he listens to relaxation tapes to try and take the edge off
35:20and it's like, just breathe, imagine you're on a desert island
35:23and he goes...
35:24LAUGHTER
35:30Apparently, now he's been banned from River Island.
35:34LAUGHTER
35:36At the end of that round, the points go to Angela Ahern-Gler.
35:41APPLAUSE
35:44Now we've come to scenes we'd like to see,
35:46so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,
35:48I'll read it this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists
35:50can come up with.
35:51Here we go, the first subject is...
35:54Unlikely things to hear in hospital.
35:58Come straight through, we're not busy.
36:01LAUGHTER
36:04So, you're not going to believe this, but it turns out
36:07that with this sort of machine, turning it off and on again
36:10is actually the worst thing you can do.
36:13LAUGHTER
36:15I'm afraid it's bad news.
36:18I've left my wedding ring in your bum.
36:21LAUGHTER
36:24We have the results of your are you allergic to chairs test.
36:28You might want to stand up for this.
36:30LAUGHTER
36:33So you sat down suddenly on a golf course
36:36and had sudden rectal pain.
36:38That's a red flag for me.
36:40LAUGHTER
36:43OK, just stand still for the X-ray.
36:46Great.
36:46All right, let's do a silly one.
36:48LAUGHTER
36:50You can't keep prescribing pizza, Dr Oetker!
36:54LAUGHTER
36:55LAUGHTER
36:58I've got the results from your X-ray.
37:00He doesn't want to get back together.
37:06APPLAUSE
37:09Well, I was told that screaming and shitting yourself
37:12during childbirth was normal.
37:13But now, apparently, I'm a bad midwife.
37:16LAUGHTER
37:20Son of a bitch.
37:23Congratulations, Mr and Mrs Bitch.
37:24It's a beautiful baby ball.
37:26LAUGHTER
37:28Mr Smith, you've got a sausage up your nose,
37:30mashed potato in your hair.
37:31You need to eat more sensibly.
37:34LAUGHTER
37:37I appreciate that you're upset,
37:39and I'm not trying to brag or anything,
37:40but I said he had six months and I got it bang on.
37:44LAUGHTER
37:46Madam, when I said open wide, I meant your mouth.
37:51LAUGHTER
37:53Well, Mr Wallace, incredible to see.
37:55They've done a very successful full face
37:56and full body transplant.
37:59I'm in the wrong room.
38:01LAUGHTER
38:03Yes, we first became concerned
38:05that you had a problem with cholesterol
38:07when we took a slice of blood.
38:10LAUGHTER
38:14We've lost him.
38:17Oh, no, he's over there.
38:19LAUGHTER
38:21I'm afraid you're going to have to take a pill a day,
38:24every day, for the rest of your life.
38:26So, here's nine pills.
38:29LAUGHTER
38:32The parking here is free.
38:36APPLAUSE
38:40Bad news, you did shit yourself during surgery.
38:44But good news, you were wearing Gorton and Denton trousers!
38:48APPLAUSE
38:51Going down?
38:52Yeah, I'll tell you how your grandmother's operation went in a second,
38:55but could you just press that button, please?
38:56The one that says Morgue.
39:01Now, don't worry, this sort of shooting, stabbing pain
39:04is very common in people who've been shot and stabbed.
39:08LAUGHTER
39:10I've been a doctor for 30 years,
39:12of course you can show me your scar.
39:13Morgue!
39:14Morgue!
39:17Morgue!
39:19Morgue!
39:20The surgery was a success.
39:21We managed to amputate your leg with no problems.
39:23And we kept the one with the cool tattoo that says Amputate.
39:27LAUGHTER
39:29The next topic is...
39:31Things you wouldn't hear in a cooking show.
39:35And this week it's a tricky skills test
39:38as we ask our chefs to negotiate peace in the Middle East.
39:42LAUGHTER
39:44As you can see, this lamb just falls right off the bone,
39:47which is why we're at the vet.
39:49LAUGHTER
39:51I want that real home-cooked feel.
39:54So I'm going to cock up the recipe,
39:55throw it in the garden,
39:56and tell my husband to cook his own fucking dinner.
39:59LAUGHTER
40:02And today on Celebrity MasterChef,
40:04the surrealist Icelandic singer is cooking pyork.
40:08LAUGHTER
40:13Hate speech?
40:14Hate speech? What do you mean, hate speech?
40:16I just want to know the chairman of the judges
40:18has a flavour of yoghurt he doesn't like!
40:20Oh, hates speech?
40:23LAUGHTER
40:26So if you just give a little tap on the bottom,
40:28you'll lose your job at MasterChef.
40:31LAUGHTER
40:33Well, as you can see,
40:34chopping up onions has really made me cry.
40:37But, er, thank you for watching.
40:38Today's episode is in memory of our beloved family dog,
40:41Onions.
40:42LAUGHTER
40:46Here's a little tip if you're making your own sourdough.
40:49Shut up about it, nobody gives a fuck.
40:53LAUGHTER
40:55Today I'm making a classic roast chicken
40:58with an American twist.
40:59The chicken's got a gun!
41:02LAUGHTER
41:04I've intentionally left the chicken raw in the middle,
41:08because I know Greg Wallace is going to be tasting it.
41:11LAUGHTER
41:14Simba,
41:16I know you thought it was selling out
41:18to do a Lion King cookery show,
41:21but I brought you a sandwich.
41:24Tuna-tamata?
41:26LAUGHTER
41:28APPLAUSE
41:32OK, this is Mary Berry saying,
41:34you've got five minutes left, bakers,
41:36and I'm getting fucking hungry!
41:39LAUGHTER
41:41LAUGHTER
41:43LAUGHTER
41:44LAUGHTER
41:48APPLAUSE
41:49Now, do be careful, because if there's too much oil,
41:52there's a chance you'll be bombed by the United States.
41:55LAUGHTER
41:56APPLAUSE
41:59Now, I don't know if you do cheat days,
42:01but when I do, I like to call up the local Italian
42:03and have sex with her instead of my wife.
42:06LAUGHTER
42:08Simmer for 20 to 30 years and then snap and kill everyone.
42:13LAUGHTER
42:15Well, in 15 years of presenting Bake Off, that is the most delicious pastry
42:19I've ever tasted.
42:20I think you've earned the famous Paul Hollywood hand job.
42:24LAUGHTER
42:25LAUGHTER
42:29Welcome to Is It Cake, where you can't believe it's cake
42:32and we can't believe you watch this shit.
42:36LAUGHTER
42:38Once again, today we're going to be making fruit wine.
42:41I'm going to be using my feet to crush the banana skins!
42:45LAUGHTER
42:49Now, this dessert is rather naughty.
42:51In fact, it features really quite prominently in the Epstein files.
42:55LAUGHTER
42:58What the fuck are you doing?
43:00What the fuck is that?
43:01This piece of...
43:01That's not a souffle, that's a piece of shit!
43:03You're a fucking lowlife!
43:05How are you going to win Junior MasterChef like this?
43:08LAUGHTER
43:08At the end of that round, the points are going to Sarah,
43:11Rhys and Milton!
43:13APPLAUSE
43:15And that's the end of the show.
43:17This week's winners are Angela Barnes,
43:20Ahar Shah and Glenn Moore.
43:21APPLAUSE
43:23Commiserations to Milton Jones,
43:25Reece James and Sarah Keyword.
43:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:28Thank you for watching. I'm Daryl Breen.
43:30Good night.
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