00:02well as we do every thursday i get a chance to share some of my experiences and not that they
00:10all fit my experience but i get a chance to share some uh some knowledge in how i would handle
00:15situations well you're the eldest member of the show you have much wisdom i i am you also pride
00:22yourself on being a man of high morals i yes i i try and and fail over and over but
00:28i try
00:28so you will help these people out dear john jansen at gmail.com should i tell him dear john my
00:35best
00:35friend got engaged to we'll call her sarah recently and i'm feeling conflicted they've only been dating
00:41for six months so this is quick and he's changed his entire personality for her for example john
00:48he's a vegan now oh i don't think she's right for him i've been biting my tongue i don't know
00:55if
00:55there's a good way to convince a friend to call off a wedding what's your advice um well some
01:00questions um she must be extremely hot if he's going vegan now we all know that the significant others
01:12in our lives my wife has made me a much better individual but i haven't changed completely who
01:22i am there's a lot of aspects that i've changed because i want to be a better person for her
01:27and there are certain things of my personality that are not let's say at the top of her list so
01:34i want
01:35to improve on some of those things but i can't change totally who i am yes you need to have
01:39this
01:39conversation not that you want to break them up but so that hey in two years three years four years
01:47down the road he doesn't look back and say i have given up all of my of myself simply for
01:55this
01:56relationship and i'm curious as how has she changed what is she doing in regards to
02:04her life and her lifestyle if she wants him if he can't eat meat around her for the rest of
02:12his life
02:13now maybe that was something he was considering before it that's not at anything that i would be
02:19willing to give up so some of it is what are you willing to give up for this individual that
02:23you have
02:24fallen head over heels for six months is really quick i know i don't think there's ever a good way
02:30to tell your friend don't get married to someone they want to get married i don't think it's don't get
02:34married it's just consider what you're giving up and you need to have a conversation that hey if this
02:41vegan thing doesn't work out for me i may actually go back to eating some meat um and how would
02:46that
02:46affect our relationship are we allowed to have meat in the fridge or do i have to have a separate
02:51fridge
02:52in the garage like there are certain things where you get down the road you're like i can't do this
02:57anymore does that end the relationship at that point heather what's your thought um my thought is
03:02you cannot try to convince your friend to not get married if this is the woman he loves that's who
03:07he's
03:07going to marry but i do think you could have an appropriate conversation it's going to be a tough
03:11conversation um but gently explain why you're concerned like hey i have a i think this is a
03:18little quick right i'm concerned about this this or this and if you're getting a lot of pushback or
03:24it depends too do you want to lose this friendship because it could easily break up your friendship over
03:29that but as a friend i do think you can have a conversation appropriately sure about your concerns
03:36and then if he says no like this is who i want to be with this is why i'm doing
03:40that then you kind of
03:40have to accept that like that's who he's choosing and then support him yeah i get like it depends how
03:47is
03:47he changing we only have the one example the vegan thing like is she making him healthier and happier or
03:51is
03:51he like losing his identity he doesn't listen to the same music he doesn't do the same hobbies he's not
03:56hanging out with the friends anymore some of that's going to happen when you get married but yeah you
04:00don't want to lose your friend in all this either well yeah and and i mean at some point you
04:04got to
04:04remain who you are and hopefully it's okay after six months he asked to marry her it's a law if
04:12it's a
04:12long engagement now all of a sudden you get a chance to live that lifestyle and just learn more about
04:19each other um and maybe it's someday you'll get your balls back how long do they even live together
04:25at six months i mean there's a lot that they haven't experienced in six months you don't have
04:29to live together before you get married i would hope you would a lot of i think nowadays a lot
04:34of
04:34people do but i don't think you have to yeah i don't think you have to live with i think
04:39you should
04:39live with someone before you get married to them i mean i never really did but i was with him
04:44for like
04:4420 years before i got married i guess you're a different exposure to him yeah i mean i certainly if
04:50you
04:50want to try and learn more about each other and how you cohabitate together that could be a benefit
04:57but i don't think it's a requirement okay the next one is too young for a boyfriend dear john my
05:03daughters are 12 and 9 i have a good relationship with both of them and i've always joked that they
05:08can have a boyfriend when they turn 18 well my oldest has been hanging out more and more with one
05:13boy specifically they're still so young but when do i need to address it and how should i handle it
05:21all right so it all goes to like what does boyfriend mean at 12 years old right 12 is way
05:31too young to
05:31have a boyfriend but if it's just someone that she likes girls are going to like boys boys are going
05:36to
05:36like girls and so i i think once you get into high school and i mean i've told my daughters
05:46when you turn 30 you're allowed to have a boyfriend um but there comes a point where if you want
05:53to go
05:53to homecoming dance you want to go to prom you want to do that like yes you can go with
05:57friends and
05:58you can go with a friend who's a boy but what does that relationship mean at that time
06:05how involved are you going to be in that relationship at that time i i don't i don't know
06:10that you really understand really and and i i say this seriously but jokingly knowing that you're going
06:17to have relationships before you're in your early 20s but i just caution being too serious at that time
06:23because there are so many things that you don't know about yourself your hopes your dreams what you
06:29want to accomplish so not answering the question 12 is way too young i would say once they start
06:36driving and they build up more trust they you have those conversations of what should happen on a date
06:43how a boy should treat you on a date the the the limits that you have that you've set for
06:49yourself
06:49now all of a sudden hey you can start exploring some of those relationships yeah i i don't think it's
06:55ever too early to discuss maybe not in a dating relationship but i mean i even talked to my
07:01daughter now who is four about hey if somebody asks you to do something you're not comfortable with
07:06don't like we talk about limits and what she should do and how she should handle it like i'm talking
07:11like
07:12this little girl came up and said i want to hold your hand and she said no and i told
07:16her hey it's okay
07:17to say no if you're not comfortable like and teddy stood there and cried no it wasn't teddy
07:22you can have conversations about limits and how to handle those things is oh sure it's a build up
07:28of knowledge and expectations that you have for her and at 12 okay that's like middle school do you
07:35remember when people used to be like well i'm going out with so-and-so and my mom was like
07:38what do you
07:39mean you're going out you're not going anywhere like you're not going out what does that mean
07:43you're riding your bike over to whoever's house you pass the note and it says say yes or no yeah
07:48yes lions in germany dear john i'm gonna fight with my wife and the lions are at the center of
07:56it
07:57traveling to germany has always been on her bucket list and with the lions playing there this fall i
08:01pitched us going to see them great idea right win win well not for her for starters she's not a
08:07football fan and has so many things she would rather do if we were in germany she doesn't want
08:12football to quote hijack her dream trip realistically we could only get a week off she wants to hit
08:18multiple stops i thought it was a good idea what say you so you only get to do what she
08:23wants to do
08:25i mean it there's a give and take the the game is one day and it is a let's just
08:33say it's a five or
08:34six hour commitment you're in germany what are you going to go all those other days what are you doing
08:40to please her can she not compromise at some point i think that's complete bs i think it sounds
08:47incredible like you said five hours out of a day you still have the rest of the day the only
08:51thing
08:51that could really ruin it is if you drink too much at the game okay so you're not going to
08:56drink too
08:57much at dinner at some restaurant that she wants to go to is it a day game or a night
09:02game oh we don't
09:03know that i think it'll be a night for them okay then that's if it's like a day game you
09:07get super
09:07intoxicated and she wants to go see um who knows a castle afterward and it affects what you do that
09:15would that would be my only negative compromise i'm willing to not get hammered at the game so that
09:20we can go do something again after well i think going to the game is awesome like i'm not against
09:24that i'm just saying the only way that could derail it yes like drinking way way too much yeah i
09:29mean
09:29come on it's a it's a give and take you're going to spend all that money to go all the
09:33way to germany
09:33and i don't get to do anything i want and that is dear john send them in dear john jansen
09:40at gmail.com
09:41it's 97.1
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