- 1 day ago
First broadcast 5th September 1984.
Arthur plans to make a killing by buying some cheap tobacco from a sailor coming over from France.
Dennis Waterman - Terry
George Cole - Arthur
Moray Watson - Commander Hawksly
Patrick Malahide - Chisholm
Ray Winstone - Arnie
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Sarah Berger - Penny
Michael Povey - D.C.Jones
Reginald Marsh - Johnny Winstanley
Rashid Karapiet - Larry Patel
Anthony Langdon - Harry Baily
Freddie Stuart - Van Driver
Marc Gebhard - Antoine
Peter Rutherford - Large Man
Bill Treacher - Punter
Derrick Fincham - Customs Man
Sandra Kneller - Secretary
Lee Richards - Barmaid at Yacht Club
Michael Stevens - Winchester Club Patron
Reg Thomason - Newsagent customer
Arthur plans to make a killing by buying some cheap tobacco from a sailor coming over from France.
Dennis Waterman - Terry
George Cole - Arthur
Moray Watson - Commander Hawksly
Patrick Malahide - Chisholm
Ray Winstone - Arnie
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Sarah Berger - Penny
Michael Povey - D.C.Jones
Reginald Marsh - Johnny Winstanley
Rashid Karapiet - Larry Patel
Anthony Langdon - Harry Baily
Freddie Stuart - Van Driver
Marc Gebhard - Antoine
Peter Rutherford - Large Man
Bill Treacher - Punter
Derrick Fincham - Customs Man
Sandra Kneller - Secretary
Lee Richards - Barmaid at Yacht Club
Michael Stevens - Winchester Club Patron
Reg Thomason - Newsagent customer
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Thank you, Larry.
00:08Morning.
00:08Morning.
00:10Larry, lovely day, isn't it?
00:11Not bad, is it?
00:12Peretele, is Arthur.
00:13Has my Investors Chronicle come in?
00:15Yes.
00:16Have you had any thoughts about what I mentioned last week?
00:19I don't know, Arthur.
00:20Look, I don't want to rush you, Larry, but I'm taking delivery today.
00:23And I promise you, he who hesitates on this little lot is going to be well choked.
00:27The thing is, I don't sell all that much rolling tobacco.
00:29Exactly.
00:30And what is your miserable profit margin on your miserable turnover?
00:33Not much.
00:34Not much, Larry.
00:35It's embarrassing.
00:36It's not visible to the naked eye.
00:37At my prices, you've got to be thinking about trebling that.
00:41Yeah, I suppose so.
00:42Look, Larry, you are a grafter.
00:44I appreciate that.
00:45But just this once, be nice to yourself.
00:48Earn a few quid with your female.
00:50All right, Arthur.
00:50I'm in.
00:51You made the right decision, Larry, on my babies.
00:54So that is 100, two-ounce plastic pouches of hand-rolling cigarette tobacco sealed in for
00:59freshness in your hands first thing tomorrow morning.
01:02Cheers.
01:03Hey, Arthur, what about your investors' chronicle?
01:05First class.
01:06Read and prosper, my son.
01:08Read and prosper.
01:12Hard at it, as usual, I see, Terrence.
01:14Oh, it's murder.
01:15Where's that slippery little twerp army, shouldn't he?
01:18Oh, good day, Arnold.
01:19I thought you were sorting me a van.
01:21What do you think I've been doing, Larry?
01:22Blending yoga?
01:24Oh, my God.
01:25You mean this is it?
01:27For 20 soffs a day?
01:28No, no, no.
01:28For a promise of 20 soffs.
01:30What, Charles?
01:31For a promise of 20 soffs a day, you do not get a turbocharged Arctic with air conditioning
01:36and a stereo, Arthur.
01:38What you do get is this little pill.
01:40And if this don't get us there and get us back...
01:43Well, well, is there no chance of you telling us the exact nature of this little jaunt, or what?
01:47We are popping down to the coast in the vicinity of a place called Buckler's Hard.
01:51You're Buckler's what?
01:53We're a business acquaintance of mine, Commander Hawksley.
01:56Oh, Air Force geyser, is he?
01:57Commander is a naval rank genius.
02:00Senior service, right?
02:01Well, among other things, the commander has a string of confectionery shops and tobacconists.
02:06A sailor moonlighting with a couple of shops?
02:08A bit naughty, isn't it?
02:08It's a little disgraceful.
02:10He's retired, you ignorant nurks.
02:13Well, now he wants to close the shops down and he's offering me odds and ends of stock at advantageous prices.
02:18What sort of odds and ends?
02:19Well, you know the usual thing.
02:21Greetings cards, confectionery, smidgen of tobacco.
02:24Oh, dodgy snout, eh?
02:25Wrong as usual, Terrence.
02:27This is absolutely kosher.
02:29Well, what's your edge, then?
02:30Well, the commander has been very honest with me and let me know that the tobacco's been on the shelf for a little while.
02:35Sort of a well-matured offer.
02:39Yeah.
02:39Come to saw it does come through.
02:41All right, that'll do, Terrence.
02:42Come on, I need you to lock up.
02:43Now, listen, Yorkie man.
02:45I want you at the Winchester with van at two on the dock.
02:48Quick run down the south coast, load up the gear, back in time for a drink up and distribution of wages.
02:53So this thing had better be a runner by two o'clock.
02:55Yeah, I will.
02:56Otherwise, you won't see a penny for that 20,000-mile service you've done on the Jag.
03:00There you go.
03:01It's all right.
03:02The Jag didn't see much of a service, anyway.
03:12Morning, all.
03:14Daily.
03:14Time for a word.
03:15Well, you might be a little fat, Mr. Chisholm.
03:17I'm a bit mushed.
03:18Inside.
03:18Inside?
03:19That's right, Daily.
03:20He means we're on a bloody good horse around.
03:21Oh, I love that Welsh, Lilt.
03:23Never get tired of it, do you?
03:24You might soon, by your way.
03:26I'll tell you what, Tatt.
03:27Give us a song, eh?
03:28Less Lilt McCann, you're in the frame as well.
03:30Come on, baby, open up.
03:42According to my rights as a normal citizen, a search warrant is that...
03:45Don't be silly, Arthur.
03:46You're not a normal citizen.
03:48What are you doing?
03:49Yeah, a bit of all right, peace.
03:50Oh, we've probably got one your size, then.
03:51Oh?
03:52Blue would be right for you, wouldn't it?
03:53Now, what about a nice Prince of Wales check, eh?
03:55Jones.
03:56Sorry, girl.
03:59Nice fridge, Arthur.
04:01A personal purchase at the January sales.
04:03Early Christmas present for her indoors.
04:06The Ronald Reagan keep fit video.
04:09Get on the station to find out if these have been reported stolen.
04:11No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
04:13No, no, no.
04:16Yeah, hold on, hold on, hold on.
04:17Yes.
04:18There is nothing wrong there.
04:19British Telecom has been privateered, as you may recall.
04:22And as far as them videos are concerned, they were purchased from a reputable dealer.
04:25The receipt is currently with my accountant.
04:27Terry, Terry, tell Mr Chisholm about them videos.
04:30What videos?
04:31I don't know anything about videos.
04:32Terry, this is no time to wind me up.
04:34Oh, all right, all right.
04:35No, it's right.
04:35You won't get a result there.
04:36All right, Arthur.
04:37This is the situation.
04:39Last night, some tearaways broke into a warehouse on the manor and had it weighed with 1,500 pairs
04:44of highly expensive imported sporting footwear.
04:47Unfortunately for us, the owner of said footwear was a close friend of the chief superintendent.
04:51And so we've had to forget the murderers, arsonist and rapist for a day or two to go looking
04:56for bloody plimsolls.
04:58We've managed to recover some of them, Arthur, and in doing so, your name cropped up.
05:03Mine?
05:03So as of this moment, Arthur, I am on your back.
05:07And if I turn up so much as a bootlace, I'm not only going to pull you for receiving, I'm
05:13going to stick you up for conspiracy to commit a robbery.
05:16That is paramount to blackmail.
05:31No, Arthur.
05:32It's a threat.
05:33And you needn't look so bloody casual.
05:34You're included in this.
05:36Look, I'm sorry I'm not fainting with fear, but you really have got your wires crossed this
05:39time.
05:41Oh, go and see who that is.
05:46Oh, can I get you anything?
05:47A last cup of coffee, tea?
05:50Leave it, I can't do that.
05:53Look, down the main road, first right, second left, ten minutes.
05:56What a plea now for.
05:57The old bill, for God's sake.
06:03And then you find yourself on the main street, the kerchief on the right and the pub on the
06:06left.
06:08Noted his way.
06:10All right, Daley.
06:12Expect to be seeing a great deal of me over the next few days.
06:15Shall I return?
06:16Excellent.
06:16Good, first class.
06:17Glad to be your assistant.
06:20Want a coffee or something?
06:21Uh, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry.
06:22Do the padlock.
06:23Little job to do.
06:37You ought to dump the bleeding lot.
06:39Do what?
06:40I'm in the lease for 300 sobs.
06:42I've got a punter all lined up, his tongue hanging out.
06:44We can be around there in five minutes.
06:46You can, you mean.
06:48It's the last I'm having anything to do with this.
06:49I'll think that's sunshine.
06:52Anyway, there ain't room for me in the car, is there?
06:53Of course there is.
06:54You can squeeze in there, Terry.
06:55No.
06:55Tarot.
06:56Terry?
06:57Good luck.
06:58Oh, I see.
06:59Bottom all gone, has it?
07:00Do what?
07:01Nothing.
07:02Nothing.
07:02All right.
07:32Here, Chisholm was in here about an hour ago.
07:48Bloody cheeky.
07:49You snooping around the cellar during opening time.
07:51Did he say what he was after?
07:52No.
07:53He kept staring at everybody's feet.
07:56I think he's getting a bit peculiar.
07:57Yeah, this is like the out of Arthur, is it?
08:03Well, let's put it this way.
08:04Contact with Arthur should be kept down to the minimum
08:06until further notice, all right?
08:08Here.
08:08Where is the old stoke?
08:10He said two on the top.
08:10On the other hand, of course, Chisholm could already have felt his collar.
08:25Oh, nice one.
08:27All that graft on the vamp of sweet F.A.
08:30Oh, really, Arnold?
08:30What sort of reaction is that, eh?
08:32It's the proper one if you're brassic.
08:34Okay, lad.
08:34Dick Simon's over here.
08:35Comes to brain.
08:37Lies, Ries, them tea, please, David.
08:38Come on.
08:39Still at liberty, are you?
08:41Dave, any chance you've got a bit of space down in your cellar?
08:45Why does everybody want to get down in my cellar?
08:48No chance, Arthur.
08:49Forget.
08:50Have you been spreading malicious gossip?
08:52No.
08:53No, people have just been drawing their own conclusions, haven't they?
08:55All right, all right, that'll do.
08:56Now, look, due to unforeseen circumstances
08:58and with grave misgivings,
09:00I'm unable to accompany you on this trip this afternoon.
09:03Oh, no.
09:04It's a good day out, and I don't mean we've got to go just all by ourselves.
09:06Oh, my God.
09:08That'll do.
09:08Now, listen.
09:08Listen, you two clowns have better get this one right.
09:12That is Commander Hawksy's business premises address,
09:15and I've marked the route out in here.
09:17Now, when you get down there, deal only with the commander,
09:21and for God's sake, try and behave,
09:22because the man's a scholar and a gentleman.
09:24I'm not familiar with scoundrels.
09:27He's made you, hasn't he?
09:28Terry, look.
09:29This contains two and a half grand.
09:32Two and a half grand?
09:33Terry.
09:34Well, I'm entrusting it to you,
09:35which means I don't want Arnie to get his greasy little hands on it.
09:38Well, that's charm.
09:38And as this is strictly legit, I want you both to sign this receipt.
09:42Do what?
09:43Yeah, poor Mark will do in your case, Arnie.
09:44I can plead and write.
09:45There you go, come on.
09:46Oh, don't believe this.
09:47Hey, tell.
09:48He's always waiting in the day.
09:50He's only 10 miles off here.
09:52I'll tell you something else, son, me.
09:54A mate of mine from the scrubs, he's got a boozer just there.
09:57I'll tell you something else, too.
09:58You're going straight down there and coming straight back,
10:00stopping Arnie for a jimmy.
10:01Now, go on, off you go.
10:03You take him out, all right?
10:04Yeah.
10:05Are you sure?
10:06I'm sure, yeah.
10:07I'll have the money.
10:10Terry, I hope you appreciate the responsibility I'm entrusting you with.
10:14I do, Arthur.
10:15I do.
10:16I mean, you've given me my big chance, haven't you?
10:20I don't know.
10:21I think you're out of your mind, Arthur.
10:23What does that mean?
10:25Well, you've just handed over two and a half thousand pounds
10:27to Frank Sinatra and Adolf Hitler.
10:29Do you like me, though?
10:46Do you like me, though?
10:49What's your game?
10:50Mine's your own business.
10:53I've just made a perfectly understandable mistake.
10:59That's mine down there.
11:02I'm so sorry.
11:03It's a jag.
11:03I'm so sorry.
11:04I'm so sorry.
11:10I'm so sorry.
11:22I'm so sorry.
11:23Watch it, Arthur.
11:25Harry, my old mate.
11:26Oh, you're looking fit, my old son. Very fit indeed.
11:28I'll try telling me doc that.
11:31Well, what can I do for you, Arthur?
11:34Footwear of the younger generation, Harry.
11:37Trainers.
11:38Yeah.
11:39They come a bit pricey, though, and I just don't have the turnover.
11:43Oh, well, now is your chance to change all that, Harry.
11:46Have a look at it.
11:49Nice gear, Arthur.
11:51Yeah.
11:52Still, I can't see me knocking out many football boots round here, though.
11:55No, trainers, Harry. Trainers.
11:57You've got flaming great studs, see?
12:01So's the other one.
12:03Well, it would, wouldn't it?
12:10Hey!
12:11Hold on your bike.
12:12Beep!
12:16Hold on, Maggie.
12:17Beep!
12:21Have a look at it, you say.
12:44Good money round here, ain't there?
12:45Woo!
12:46Woo!
12:56I'm sorry Mr. Daly couldn't make it himself.
12:58Yeah, he's well sick about it.
12:59Well sick.
13:00You owe Mr. Daly census apologies, you know, but the pressure of work and all that.
13:03Oh, yes, yes, quite.
13:05Oh, Angela, would you bring in the bunk for Mr. Daly's order?
13:08Right.
13:08I think the tide's about to turn.
13:12Is it?
13:13Yeah.
13:14Either of you two ever messed about in boats?
13:17Yeah.
13:17I went in one of those pedalling things once when I was on holiday in Mar... Margate.
13:21Pedalling things?
13:22No, he means one of those pedallos, you know, you mess about in a surf when he's a case, isn't
13:27it?
13:27Oh, yes.
13:28I know.
13:30Ah, yeah, Angela.
13:32Now, if one of you would like to sign at the bottom there.
13:34Yeah, all right, yeah.
13:37And then if you take your van down to my stores.
13:40Okay, that.
13:40Come on.
13:42Oh, that's, um, £2,500.
13:45Whoops.
13:45There you go.
13:50Oh, you go on.
13:52I'll catch you up.
13:53Okay.
13:54Hello.
13:57Hello.
13:57Chair?
13:59I can't apologise enough, gentlemen, but I'm afraid it may not arrive until later this evening.
14:03Do what?
14:04If you'd like to wait in my office, I'll convey any news as soon as he comes in.
14:09Is he trying to strike us up or what?
14:11I don't know.
14:12You'd better hang about, though, eh?
14:15What do you think about this, eh?
14:21I don't know.
14:22Arthur reckons he's 100% straight.
14:24Leave off nobody's that straight, though.
14:26News of some sort, gentlemen.
14:28The van has been turned to a garage.
14:30There's every chance we may be ship-shaped by the seagull.
14:32Ah.
14:32Listen, mate, no offence, but don't you reckon you ought to bang us back Arthur's bit of
14:36poke?
14:37He means return Mr. Daly's money until we get his gear.
14:40I would, but Angela's already gone to the bank and popped it in the nightsaver.
14:43Well, listen, gentlemen, let me try and compensate for the inconvenience.
14:47A friend of mine has just taken delivery of a new boat.
14:50He's very kindly given me the use of it while he's out of the country.
14:53Why don't you come on board and have a drink?
14:56Yeah, all right, yeah.
14:56Look, this chicken in the drink, hold his head under until he comes to his senses.
15:08If we steam in and he's on the level, we're going to look right more, isn't we?
15:11No, give him a bit more time.
15:12Then chuck him in the drink.
15:14We've got to figure out what to tell Arthur.
15:15He's expecting us home in an hour.
15:17Get on the salt.
15:19Penny, brought some friends along for a drink.
15:21Come on, chaps.
15:24Oh, this is Terry.
15:27Hello.
15:28Hello.
15:28And, er, Arnold.
15:30Arnold.
15:30Welcome aboard.
15:32Take him down, will you, Penny?
15:36Hold on, Arnie.
15:38I knew it.
15:39I knew it.
15:39Those two have done me up like a kipper.
15:41That's what you get for treating kids like adults.
15:43Laura in the jungle, bite the hand that feeds you and all that.
15:46I'll take it easy, Arthur.
15:47They're only half an hour late.
15:48They probably got held up in the traffic.
15:50I blame myself.
15:51I blame myself.
15:52Not as much as I blame them, but I blame myself.
15:56Terry?
15:58Where the bloody hell are you?
16:00What?
16:02What boat?
16:03Well, the sun is well over the yardstick, innit?
16:06Yard arm, Terry.
16:07The yard arm?
16:08So we've, er, spliced the main brace, know what I mean?
16:11Terry.
16:12Terry, are you drinking my money away in some dreadful boozer?
16:15If so, please, I beg of you, stop now.
16:18No, no, no, no.
16:19Look, Commander Hawksley's got your dough, but one of his vans is out of action, so we've
16:23got to wait for the gear.
16:23Oh, you don't mean you've partied with two and a half grand and got nothing to show?
16:27That's all right, innit?
16:28You said everything's strictly kosher, be on your best behaviour, all that sort of cobblers.
16:32Terry, I want you to tell me exactly what is occurring down there.
16:35There's nothing occurring.
16:37Hold on.
16:37Just hang on, will you?
16:38Can you have a word with him?
16:41Cheers.
16:41Arthur, Teddy Hawksley here.
16:46What?
16:46What are you doing?
16:47Er, Penn's telling me about signaling with flags and that till.
16:51Since when did you need flags, eh?
16:52No, I mean, slight, and this is really clever, this is.
16:55For instance, this brooch I'm wearing.
16:57That's a well-known signal.
16:59Yeah?
17:00Well, tell us about it, Penn.
17:01It means permission to lay alongside.
17:03It's called the Double Eagle.
17:07It's moored just below my office, Arthur.
17:09But there's no need for you to come down.
17:11Oh, I think there is.
17:12In fact, I insist.
17:14Yes, I insist, my dear.
17:16Yes, I'll drop everything immediately and come, my dear.
17:19Yes, bye-bye, beloved.
17:20Trouble, that's all, Arthur?
17:22Nothing that requires the Metropolitan Police.
17:25You straightened Arthur out, did you?
17:26Well, I don't know.
17:28He said he was going to come down, and then he went rather peculiar.
17:31Yeah, well, the old boy gets a bit confused now and again.
17:33Oh.
17:35I wasn't you to slip your oil skins on.
17:37It's going to get a bit chilly later on.
17:38No, I'm fine, Commander Hawksley.
17:40Honestly.
17:41You sure?
17:41So what's happening, Colonel?
17:43Well, I'm going to go back to the office for an hour or so.
17:45The wind's back, thank goodness, and the shipping forecast is reasonable.
17:47So we should be on for this evening.
17:49What's the shipping forecast got to do with it?
17:50What?
17:51Oh, absolutely nothing.
17:53Sorry, must be rather boring for you landlubbers,
17:56but the weather rather rules our lives.
17:57Isn't that so, Penny?
17:58Oh, absolutely.
18:00I'll leave you in Penny's capable hands.
18:02Are you feeling peckish?
18:03There's lots of food on board.
18:04Yeah, well, there's no hour, are you?
18:06And the tall I-pin.
18:08There you go, dents.
18:09Another large one, please, Dave.
18:12I thought you had to rush home, Arthur.
18:14Oh, that is what is known as a delayed response, Mr. Chisholm.
18:17Part of the tactics of marriage.
18:24So how did you meet Commander Auxley, then?
18:26I answered an ad.
18:28Female crew wanted occasional cross-channel trips.
18:31Oil skins provided.
18:32So far, he's been as good as gold.
18:34So you mean you're not exactly sort of...
18:35Quite game with him, are you?
18:36No.
18:37I've only known him for about a week.
18:39He seems very nice.
18:41Well, he seems lovely.
18:43Listen, how about going out and having a nice drink?
18:45Must be a decent booze around here some week, Penny.
18:47Yes, one or two, but I thought I'd stay on board and have a quiet evening.
18:53Yeah, I don't feel like going out myself much, really.
18:55No, no, no, no.
18:56I'm a bit cattled myself.
18:58It was a long drive down here.
18:59On the other hand, perhaps it might be nice to go ashore.
19:02There's a lovely little pub overlooking the old harbour.
19:05Well, that sounds good to me, yeah.
19:07I'll hit tell.
19:08I mean, you didn't want to go a minute ago.
19:10Well, I've changed your mind, didn't I?
19:12You stay in and have a nice rest.
19:14No, but it was me who wanted to go out in the first place, wasn't it?
19:17Yeah, but you changed your mind too, hadn't you?
19:19Anyway, the washing up's got to be done first,
19:21so perhaps one of you might give me a hand.
19:24Yeah, all right.
19:25Oh, that's very kind of you both.
19:26I'll leave you to it while I check the moorings.
19:29Come on, then.
19:53Stick.
19:54Arterist.
19:56Oh, dear, Akeem.
19:57I suppose you're bust.
19:58Yes, I'm well bust, I'm afraid, thank you.
20:01Pay 20s.
20:02Pay me.
20:04Oh, well done, Arnie.
20:05Ten pete.
20:05Hold on, hold on, hold on.
20:06It's 22, you pillock.
20:08No, it's not.
20:10Oh, count it, Einstein.
20:11I can count.
20:12Ah!
20:13What's that?
20:16Who went after you?
20:17Joe, have a look.
20:18It's catching birds.
20:19Oh, don't worry.
20:20It's only half.
20:20Don't only half of me.
20:21Give us a hand.
20:22Come on, you.
20:23Bring it.
20:23Penny, half a, half a penny.
20:26Oh, nice to meet you, my dear.
20:27Are you all right?
20:28I'm afraid boats can be difficult for the older person.
20:32You and you, with me, back to the car, get some more of these boxes.
20:35Hold on, hold on.
20:35What do we want them on here for?
20:36I've got a little job for you.
20:38Taking the studs off my trainers.
20:39What's your own about, tell me?
20:40Look, yours not the reason why, bird brain.
20:42Just do it.
20:42Here, I'll come on.
20:43Come on.
20:43That's nice, isn't it?
20:45Could you look after that for a minute?
20:47Won't be long.
20:51In the name of God, Antoine, why can't you get a boat that works?
20:55Dans le nom de Dieu, Antoine, achetez-vous un bateau qui marche.
21:01Would you?
21:02Oh, never mind.
21:04Yes, we...
21:06Yes, I'll be there.
21:08Bold bloody chance to you, Antoine.
21:11You have no idea the trouble I had getting down here.
21:14I mean, talk about cloak and dagger.
21:15This man Chisholm sounds awful.
21:18Couldn't you complain to the police about him?
21:20No, he can't.
21:20All right, Arnie, that'll do.
21:21You've been on that boot for half an hour.
21:23Tell you what, son, you're really blown out here, you know.
21:26I mean, just because you take the studs off, don't make them trainers, does it?
21:29Trainers are not for training.
21:31Eh?
21:31They're for bone-idle so-and-sos to loaf about on street corners in.
21:35Don't you lose them studs, Arnie.
21:38Just in case we run across a football squad of 50, who wear size 10.
21:41Ah, dearly, my dear chap.
21:43I'll tell you.
21:45Good Lord.
21:46Oh, um, just adapting some footwear.
21:49I hope you don't mind me imposing.
21:50Oh, no, no, no, please feel free.
21:52It's the least I can do, particularly in view of the fact that you're going to have to wait
21:55until tomorrow for your stuff.
21:57The van's been locked up in the garage, you know.
21:59Most annoying.
22:00Oh, no, no.
22:01No worry, Teddy.
22:02Patience is all.
22:03I was wondering, uh, would you like to join me in the yacht club for a drink and a bite
22:07to eat?
22:07The yacht club?
22:08That's, uh, very hospitable of you, Teddy.
22:10My own club in London does have a reciprocal arrangement with other establishments.
22:14What a winchie stuff.
22:15But, um, none, uh, none around here, as I recall.
22:20Splendid.
22:21Good.
22:21All right, Penny?
22:23Yes, thank you, Commander.
22:26Mind your head.
22:27Oh, thank you, Commander.
22:30No bunking off, you lot.
22:32Mind how you go, you know what these sailors are.
22:37Sodding boots.
22:39You haven't got a pair of pliers on here, have you?
22:41I don't know.
22:41I'll go and have a look.
22:42There's a toolbox aft.
22:43Do you want to name?
22:44No, thanks.
22:52Yeah.
22:53All right, eh?
22:55Oh, yeah, not bad, not bad.
22:57Not bad?
22:58Are you sure?
23:00I reckon I'll have a result here tonight.
23:02I don't have an idea.
23:04Oh, I'll take it off the basket and have a jimmy.
23:07Uh, give us me jacket, will you?
23:12Never had any trouble with nookie me.
23:13Well, you've either got it or you ain't.
23:18Yeah, nice bootsies, ain't I, Till?
23:21You still playing on a Sunday?
23:23Yeah, I was playing with a red line up until Christmas.
23:25Then the back four got banged up in the scrubs.
23:27Oh, we had a jacket in.
23:29I'll tell you...
23:30Till?
23:33Terry!
23:34Penny?
23:35Thanks.
23:36Thanks a lot, mate.
23:38Terry, might I be allowed to purchase?
23:39No, no, no, no.
23:39Ah, good evening, Terry.
23:40Ah, Johnny, Arthur.
23:41This is Johnny Winstanley, the Commodore of the Club.
23:43Johnny, Arthur Daly.
23:43An honour and a privilege, Mr. Commodore.
23:45Ah, Johnny has joined me in a number of my business ventures.
23:49In fact, he'll be helping out tomorrow.
23:50Ah, say no more, eh, Daly.
23:51Nods as good as a wink, what?
23:51Well, now, what about a top?
23:52Ah, man of the pumps.
23:53Yes, pinkers, please, Terry.
23:54Two pink gins, Fred.
23:55And, uh, Arthur?
23:56Oh, a pink vodka, please, Terry.
23:57One pink vodka.
23:58One pink vodka.
24:07I must say, I'm rather glad you came down after all.
24:12Your two colleagues seem to be under the impression that I lived in little.
24:27I apologize, Teddy. I'm afraid that is the gutter-snipe mentality.
24:30See, I do feel it's my responsibility to give these unfortunate lads a chance.
24:34And generally, they do respond.
24:37But when they are absent from my guiding influence, they tend to redress.
24:44Well, cheerio.
24:46Cheerio.
24:47Cheerio.
24:48Ah, say them again, please, Fred.
24:57Definitely like it, innit?
25:01Hope your friend's all right.
25:02Oh, he'd be all right.
25:03What?
25:04Sitting on someone's boat unscrewing all those little studs, eh?
25:07Happy as a sound, boy.
25:19Now, Arthur, this is the scheme of things tomorrow.
25:22Now, Winsdandy here, good chap that he is.
25:27Cheers.
25:28We'll have a reception committee waiting for us on this side.
25:31And then, after the rendezvous...
25:32No, no, no, no, no, no.
25:34Do not misunderstand me, Teddybott.
25:36I don't want to know the details.
25:38I cannot afford to be compromised.
25:40I must remain aloof.
25:42That was the agreement.
25:43Quite, quite.
25:44Oh, well, fair enough, Daley.
25:45Up to us to bring home the bacon and all that.
25:47And you, you'll have to shake a leg if you want to make yourself scarce.
25:52It'll be a dawn start.
25:53Oh, have no fear, Teddy.
25:54Dawn rising is my byword.
25:56Ah, well, one for the road.
25:58Oh, that's very kind, Commodore.
26:00Oh, while I remember, would you care to clock this new non-slip deck shoe that I have here?
26:06That is not on the market yet, but the manufacturers have let me in ahead of the field.
26:11But this looks remarkably like a football boat without the...
26:15Well, well, well spotted.
26:17Well spotted.
26:18That is, in fact, an offshoot of football boot technology.
26:23And you see, these holes, that is how you get the suction.
26:30It was bang out of order, Till.
26:32Now, what are you talking about, mate?
26:34Creeping off like that, leaving me on me tod.
26:36I felt a right prune.
26:39Anyway, what's the matter with the girls?
26:41You need glasses or something?
26:43Well, that sounds like Long John Silverwood, doesn't it?
26:57Terry?
26:58Yep.
26:59I've come just to say goodnight.
27:02You're right.
27:03Goodnight.
27:04I have to say, you must be up at Sparrow's Fart in the morning, and off this ship.
27:17And I will give you an early morning call.
27:20Oh, he's had a few, hasn't he?
27:24Well spotted, Arnold.
27:25Oh, hello, Phil.
27:26Good night, Phil.
27:27Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
27:28Oh, hello, Phil.
27:29Good night, Phil.
27:30Good night, Phil.
27:31Well, I'm going down there, won't you?
27:34Well, I'm going down.
27:35All right.
27:36Yeah, it's all right.
27:37What is wrong?
27:38All right.
27:40Yes.
27:41Well done.
27:42Well done.
27:43You know, I'm going down there, all right?
27:45You know, I'm going down there.
27:47All right.
27:49Yeah, come on.
28:13All right.
28:33Ready to cart off, Commander Bootsy?
28:35Any minute, Penny. I'd better make sure Daly isn't on board.
28:43Daly?
28:51Come on, you chaps. Shake a leg.
28:53Hey, what's up?
28:55We're about to cast off. Are we?
28:57We're going up the coast for an hour or so.
28:59Thought you might like to go ashore.
29:01I'd rather stay in the boat, wouldn't you, Arnie?
29:03Well, if you're absolutely so, Daly's not on board, you know.
29:05Oh, good.
29:07I must say, that's very sporting of you.
29:09I could use some extra hands later on.
29:13Take over the helm, will you, Penny?
29:15I'm going to look at the chaps.
29:17The wind's getting up a bit.
29:19I'm going to look at the chaps.
29:21The wind's getting up a bit.
29:23Wouldn't you be better off with your oil skins on?
29:25No, no, no. I'm fine, really, Commander.
29:27Ah, the volunteers.
29:29Hello. Hope they slept well.
29:31Yes, Mastery, thanks, yeah.
29:33Why don't you take the helm for a bit, Arnie?
29:35Ah, the volunteers.
29:37Hello. Hope they slept well.
29:39Yes, Mastery, thanks, yeah.
29:41Why don't you take the helm for a bit, Arnie?
29:43I'm going to look at the chaps.
29:45Take over the helm, will you, Penny?
29:47I'm going to look at the charts.
29:49No, no, no. I'm fine, really, Commander.
29:51Ah, the volunteers.
29:53Hello. Hope they slept well.
29:55Yes, Mastery, thanks, yeah.
29:57Why don't you take the helm for a bit, Arnie?
30:01You mean drive?
30:03All right.
30:05Keep an eye on him.
30:07Make sure he stays in the channel.
30:09When we clear the astute, we'll have a little breakfast, eh?
30:11Right-o.
30:13Put brew this, eh, self?
30:15Yeah, brew, brew.
30:17What's that, Penny?
30:19The depth sounder.
30:21Shows how deep the water is under us.
30:23Look, if I switch this on...
30:25Oi, oi, oi, keep your eyes on the road.
30:39What'd you say, Arthur, was?
30:41He didn't say it.
30:42He just said he didn't want to come along.
30:43What?
30:44Don't say I blame him.
30:45What?
30:46I think this is the business, isn't it?
30:48Well, this part's all right.
30:50It's the return journey that gives me the butterflies.
30:52Well, I think we might up the revs a bit at this stage.
30:54Go on, captain.
31:09Going in, going in.
31:14Go on, captain.
31:15Go on, captain.
31:54Oh, God. Bloody Mary, Celeste.
32:10Went all funny, then.
32:12Might be able to take over now, I tell you.
32:14We go by compass from now on.
32:16What was that?
32:18What?
32:20Have a look.
32:22Where'd you spring up from, eh?
32:23Oh, my God, it's worse, haven't you?
32:25I've checked your cabin daily.
32:27I thought you'd gone ashore.
32:28I fell asleep in the cars here.
32:31Just had bacon sandwiches and coffee, Arthur.
32:33Can I get you some?
32:34Ha, ha, ha, ha.
32:37Oh, my God.
32:38Ha, ha.
32:53Like a man.
33:07Oh, my God.
33:08Oh, my God.
33:10Can I run?
33:11Ha, ha, ha, ha.
33:12Oh, my God.
33:13Oh, my God.
33:15Oh, my God.
33:15That's brilliant.
33:18Good nap.
33:21You're going to have to turn this thing around and take me back.
33:36I think I'm going to die.
33:37Too late for that, Daley.
33:39The rendezvous is arranged.
33:41Anyway, there's a lot of money involved.
33:43Something that's yours, you know.
33:44What rendezvous?
33:45What money?
33:46Don't you know?
33:48I thought Arthur...
33:49You don't want to bother yourself with this, Terry.
33:51Shut up.
33:51Don't touch me!
33:52Well, come on, Huxley, out with it.
33:54I'm sorry if you thought I was stringing you along,
33:56but Arthur was supposed to put you in the picture last night.
33:59He said you didn't want to be involved.
34:00That's why I was rather surprised that you came along today.
34:03Involved in what, for God's sake?
34:05Well, we're on our way to meet another boat
34:07that has rather a lot of tobacco on board.
34:11Bloody hell, Arthur!
34:12We'll see you, brother.
34:14Well, you see, exported English cigarette tobacco
34:16is worth under a pound for two ounces on the continent.
34:21Here, you can pay three times as much for it.
34:23So, provide if you can smuggle in a reasonable amount,
34:26well, the profits can't be very tempting.
34:29Smuggling?
34:29Is that what we're up to?
34:31Nice one.
34:32I won't talk to the chaps here about this.
34:34Will you shut up?
34:35What, you've done this before?
34:37Oh, yeah.
34:38Quite a bit.
34:39See, it was the pink vodkas, Terry.
34:41I wasn't myself.
34:43I'm going to do you, Harper.
34:44You know that, don't you?
34:45Terry, you're looking at a man
34:46who will welcome instantaneous death.
34:48Nothing you can do or say now will hurt me.
34:52Look, Nixon, what do you think about all this?
34:54Well, it's rather good money.
34:55Very exciting.
34:57Right and all.
34:58Better put your fibreglass inside of old cortinas, isn't it?
35:01Have you snapped or something?
35:03Just because it's all yellow and splice and main brace
35:05don't mean you can't get Nick, does it?
35:06Terry, please, please don't give us one of your lectures.
35:09I don't think I can stomach it.
35:11Nah, leave it at that.
35:12Tell me, this is double sweet, this is.
35:15And you was going to bang me 20 cents
35:17to the use of my vein?
35:18You old skelly wig.
35:20Don't leave me!
35:21Another ten minutes and we're here to.
35:23Yeah, I don't think Harper can wait ten minutes.
35:26I'm in the middle of a boatload bleeding lunis.
35:29Albatross!
35:39You're on your side.
36:00Right.
36:03Well, exactly where you are, Mr. Winscretley.
36:08Sorry Johnny, hang out for funeral later.
36:21So what now then?
36:22Well with any luck we make contact with Antoine, then we transfer the tobacco.
36:26Then it's full ahead both, back to a convenient little spot where Johnny will be waiting.
36:30With the help of his inflatable dinghy, we transfer the stuff onto dry land and then into a vehicle post-haste.
36:36Back to the moorings for a quick drink.
36:38And as far as any nosy parkers are concerned, well we haven't really been away long enough to get up to anything, have we?
36:44Sweet as a nut.
36:45We hope.
36:46That's him.
36:47All right, down you go.
36:49Go on, off you go now.
36:51Come on Arnold.
36:52Are you sure?
37:06Are you supposed to say ahoy matey and all that?
37:08Hello Tony.
37:09Hello Antoine.
37:10Everything okay?
37:11Bonjour sailor.
37:12Bonjour.
37:13Don't worry with all that, come on, let's get up a bit.
37:15Oh yes, squire.
37:16Excuse me.
37:17Squire?
37:18No squires in France.
37:19Oh, there you go sir.
37:20Look down the back and pick up again.
37:21Let's see.
37:22How I got in?
37:23How much have you got in?
37:24On our boat.
37:25Oh Tony.
37:26Bonne chance, eh?
37:27Merci Altrade.
37:28Au revoir.
37:29Au revoir.
37:30Au revoir.
37:31Au revoir.
37:32Au revoir.
37:33Au revoir.
37:34Au revoir.
37:35Au revoir.
37:36Au revoir.
37:37Au revoir.
37:38Au revoir.
37:39Au revoir.
37:40Au revoir.
37:41Au revoir.
37:42All right Vince Harper.
37:43You may do the trick.
38:09You may do the trick.
38:10No, I don't think I can keep anything down, my dear.
38:13What is it?
38:14Bloody Mary.
38:15Oh, well, perhaps just a sip.
38:18We've done all that for you.
38:20Well done, you lads.
38:21Thanks often.
38:22Well, we're not exactly working for nothing, are we?
38:24Eh?
38:25Any extramural contributions you make
38:28will be considered at the end of the day.
38:30What's that mean, sir?
38:31It means he's feeling better.
38:33I would refer him when he was sick.
38:35Just a bit of passing indigestion.
38:37The dailies have always been very good sailors.
38:41No, it's true, that is.
38:42It is, yeah.
38:43They're all full of wind.
38:43No, no, no, no, no.
38:45Any danger of another medicinal one, yeah?
38:51We're not feeling too clever, either.
39:07Come on, Johnny, get your dinghy launched.
39:19Come here, quick, quick!
39:21Come on, I'm in!
39:22Come here!
39:23Come here, we're standing!
39:26God almighty!
39:29What's that all about?
39:30We've been tumbled!
39:34Who's that?
39:35It's the Riverfool!
39:36Customs to the excise!
39:38What, a Batman in a boat?
39:39What an incredible chief!
39:56Dressing somebody up like Mr. Winstander.
39:58We've got the beating of them.
40:00Oh, yes, we can outrun them.
40:01It's just as well Johnny got the flare up.
40:03Otherwise, I'd never have gone around in time.
40:05I'm an innocent party in all this, Terry.
40:07You are my witness.
40:08I had no idea of commanding...
40:09Shut up, will you?
40:10Listen, how much duty-free snout are we allowed, then?
40:14Look, they're giving up.
40:23So what now, then?
40:25I don't know.
40:26We could try slipping in up the coast,
40:28but everybody's going to be on the lookout for us.
40:31Well, simple, innit?
40:32We'd dump it.
40:33I beg your pardon, Terry?
40:35They've probably been on to Hawksley,
40:36but yonks this lot.
40:37We nearly got done back to Rice just then.
40:39Now, while all this is a nice jolly date for you lot,
40:42I've got form, remember?
40:44I don't intend going down again
40:45just because you've got too pissed to wake me up this morning.
40:48Must admit, the odds are against us now.
40:52I'm sorry, but that's it.
40:53Yeah, but I'm sorry.
41:11Eric.
41:18It's a place called Sowley Beach. A lot of things get washed up there.
41:27What have you got? It's my gear, isn't it?
41:30It didn't bring any gear. Terry, Terry, open a boot.
41:33Here you go.
41:35How are your smuggling, mate?
41:37Free but furious. You ought to see them custom geezers turn that boat over.
41:40Made Chisholm look like Nurse Teresa.
41:42Poor Commander Hawksley. He'll probably be drummed out of the yacht club.
41:45Yeah, what about poor Harper Daly? I mean, this has been a right unmitigated, this has.
41:48What are you talking about? The geezer even gave you your dough back.
41:52No, the man's a tough, if you ask me.
41:54But don't worry about that. Penny and I have been having a little chat, and we may get a result.
41:59Well, what's that supposed to mean?
42:00It's equal four-way split, or you'll never find out.
42:03Right. Terry, where do you get this behaviour from?
42:05Well, you're turning it into a very nasty little piece of work, you know.
42:09All right, under duress. Come on, let's have it.
42:11Go on, Penn, tell him, tell him.
42:12Well, it's a terrific long shot, but I know this part of the coast quite well.
42:17And bearing the wind and tide in mind, I've some idea where some of those bags might turn up.
42:21Nice one, Penn. Good, innit?
42:22Might, I said.
42:23My dear, you nearly made an old man very happy.
42:27Come on.
42:28Yeah, you go in the van, eh? Come, Penn.
42:30Come on with me.
42:31Take your look.
42:34Well?
42:35Oh, nothing yet.
42:37The tide's starting to turn.
42:39We might have to wait for the next one.
42:41Oh, I couldn't bear that, my dear.
42:42The only bit of water I ever want to see again is a full bath.
42:45Hold on.
42:45I can see something on the mud.
42:47Eh?
42:47Can't quite make it out.
42:49It's about half a mile away.
42:51Yeah, that is definitely two of them.
42:57Go on, off you go.
42:58Off you go.
42:59Now, hold on, hold on.
43:00Straight shares, right?
43:01Never mind all that.
43:02Off you go.
43:03Now, if I'm going to slip out there, I want me wages up front.
43:06Right on, Tim.
43:07So, either we divvy up now, or you are the mudlap.
43:09Terry, this is most improper out here in front of this nice young lady.
43:13What do you reckon to those bags, eh?
43:14Grand apiece?
43:15At least.
43:16Sorry, I thought I heard someone speak.
43:18That's half a monkey, innit?
43:19Yeah, and don't forget they're duty-free.
43:21Look, where am I going to find that kind of dough here and now?
43:24You're holding two and a half, Kay.
43:26Oh, that kind of dough?
43:27Yes, that kind of dough.
43:28All right, 200 apiece.
43:31Yeah, all right, done.
43:33When you get back?
43:34No, now.
43:36No, I'll tell you what.
43:37Penny can hold it.
43:38Very trusting, innit you, Terry?
43:40I trust her.
43:41There you are, my dear.
43:41Hold that, would you, please?
43:42Thanks, Arthur.
43:43No, no, I only said hold it.
43:44Good luck, Arthur.
43:44Yeah, well, now, go and bloody well to her, then.
43:46Go on.
43:46You're doing all the way to the Bailey's Army, eh?
43:47See you in a whirl.
43:49It's going to be freezing, isn't it?
43:51Go on.
43:56Yeah?
43:57Look at yours, great.
43:59Ah, nah.
43:59Get all dressed up for a seaside, did you?
44:01Go on, booty.
44:03No, no, no, you get the other one.
44:05Go on.
44:06Do what?
44:07Come on.
44:08Shut up, will you?
44:13Oh, dick.
44:17It's well stuck, this one.
44:18You can't have to come and help us, mate.
44:20Come and help.
44:27Oh, no, this one's the same.
44:28It's worse, there.
44:30Oh.
44:30I'm not dressed for this.
44:32Come on.
44:37Just grab that, and I'll leave her out from the back, all right?
44:40Just leave.
44:40Oh, shit.
44:41Oh, my God.
44:43Bullet lift.
44:44I've got it.
44:45Terry!
44:45Ah.
44:46Oh, dear.
44:47Terry.
44:48Get me up.
44:50Come on, get up.
44:50Get me up.
44:51My hat.
44:52My hat.
44:53Hold on, hold on.
44:54I've got it.
44:54I've got the hat.
44:57Help me.
44:58Get your hat.
44:58Do what, Harper?
45:00Oh, and dogs will kill you.
45:06Oh!
45:06Terry!
45:08It's them sands.
45:11What's that?
45:12They've burned my hat!
45:17There you go, Larry.
45:19Cheers, Harper.
45:20Very good of you.
45:21I aim to please, as always.
45:24True.
45:24Very true.
45:25It's tough.
45:26Yeah.
45:26Do you smell something?
45:28Smell something?
45:29There's a terrible pond coming from somewhere.
45:31Oh, no, no.
45:32There's a broken gas main just on the corner.
45:34I think they're repairing it now.
45:40Arthur!
45:42Mud, you're not pen and ink.
45:44Apparently, her indoors made Arthur sleep in a car.
45:49What are you doing in that, eh?
45:51You move it.
45:51I didn't want to come away and jam it, did I?
45:54Give him a half a lager, will you?
45:55Two answers are special, please, Dave.
45:57A special, yeah.
45:58Put it right in here.
46:01Take your coat off.
46:05Morning, all.
46:05Usual, please, Dave.
46:07Here you go.
46:07You'd better give it a couple of minutes to cool off, eh?
46:09I told you that microwave oven would come in handy, didn't I?
46:11That's not exactly what I had in mind, Arthur, trying her snout.
46:14Do you find a nice, safe place for them football books?
46:17Oh, yeah, yeah.
46:17Don't worry about that.
46:18Safe as ours is, Arthur.
46:19Hold up.
46:22Well, well, well.
46:23Wild bunches back in town.
46:25Mr. Chisholm, what a pleasant surprise.
46:27Any joy on the footwear front?
46:29Moderate, thank you.
46:30What's this?
46:31Search me, Mr. Chisholm.
46:32I'll search this first.
46:34Who knows?
46:35Might find a spare football boot or two.
46:37Do you mind?
46:38No, no, no, carry on.
46:39I'll go.
46:43Oh, my God.
46:44Oh, my God.
46:45Oh, my God.
46:57Typical of you, bleak lunatic.
46:59That was the last time I do any sort of business with you at all, Arthur.
47:01How was I?
47:02I don't know.
47:02Uh, what?
47:03What's the matter?
47:03Um, trying to blow chips.
47:05I see you like that.
47:06Yeah, it's that, Arthur.
47:06Look, he's on.
47:06Arnie!
47:08Terry!
47:08Terry!
47:09Terry!
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47:37Terry!
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