- 6 hours ago
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TVTranscript
00:00Ready?
00:22Hello!
00:23Renata, have you seen my smoothie?
00:26Renata!
00:27Get that sheet mask and the cooling eye patches out of the freezer!
00:31Now!
00:32You should've been on her yesterday, for God's sakes!
00:36I trusted you!
00:38Oh, fuck off-
00:39Sir!
00:40Sir!
00:41I know Steve's family are dandiles, but we'll still get to lift you up in a chair.
00:45Barb says she can't afford a lawsuit right now.
00:47I know.
00:48Now, where are you?
00:50A little wedding gift?
00:51Oh my God, you shouldn't have!
00:52I should be getting you a present for making me look so fabulous!
00:54Thank you, that was so thoughtful!
00:55Um, open it!
00:56Now!
00:57Yes!
00:58Okay!
00:59You'll see!
01:00Oh my God, you're too much!
01:01Holy fuck!
01:02I know, right?
01:03Where did you find this?
01:04In my grubby old basement, can you believe it?
01:06Oh my God, look at these babies!
01:08Oh, there's me!
01:09Look at your face!
01:10Voted most likely to end up in a Thai prison!
01:13End up in a Thai prison!
01:14And look at you now, owning your own company, it's so cool!
01:17All right!
01:18Oh!
01:19Here we go!
01:20Sarah Horowitz voted most likely to be CEO of a global company, the profits of which
01:26she uses to save the world!
01:28Look at you!
01:30What are you up to now?
01:32Well, I mean, I'm getting married!
01:34Obviously!
01:35And?
01:36Well, my mom died!
01:37Oh my God!
01:38Rachel!
01:39Yeah, I know!
01:40Well, she was Jewish, but thank you for that!
01:43Words!
01:44It's been really tough!
01:45Thank you!
01:46I'm so sorry!
01:47I'm so sorry to hear that!
01:48Hey, Michael!
01:49Yeah!
01:53Now?
01:54Yeah, I just feel like it's a bit of wedding morning.
01:55Maureen, I got your girlfriend!
01:56Oh, thank fuck!
02:01Oh!
02:02Hi!
02:03Oh, hi!
02:04Wow, you look so... casual!
02:05Thank you!
02:06Great to see you!
02:07I'm just gonna go see Sarah!
02:08Sarah!
02:10What's wrong?
02:13We can't let this go ahead!
02:15Sarah doesn't love him!
02:18I know!
02:19But you don't want to interfere, so what do you do, right?
02:22Sally!
02:24Get it together, okay?
02:28Oh, you're emotional!
02:30I know!
02:32Best day of our lives!
02:36Excuse me!
02:37Oh, Jesus!
02:39Thank you for this!
02:43Hey!
02:44Look at the hair!
02:45Curry!
02:47Suki!
02:48Maximum setting!
02:52Smells like a brewery in here!
02:54Uh-huh!
02:58Mr.
02:59Come in!
03:00Go in here!
03:04Se.
03:09He's a blooperTER
03:14Alright!
03:17I'll see you later, too!
03:20It's him...
03:22It's time to walk over!
03:24Oh my God!
03:25I don't know.
03:55Sarah?
03:57Sarah.
03:59Wow, you look amazing.
04:03Back away from the hair.
04:05Why aren't you dressed?
04:07I just need to talk to Sarah.
04:09No, no. Sarah needs her time alone.
04:11Thank you. Let's go.
04:13I'm coming back.
04:15What can I say? I'm a genius.
04:17I'll see you out there.
04:19Thank you for coming. I appreciate it.
04:25Real pleasure.
04:29Jimmy.
04:31Father of the bride.
04:33Sorry, I have a little tinnitus.
04:35Sarah's my daughter.
04:37Your daughter, but...
04:39So, this is the...
04:41This is what we're marrying into. Nice.
04:43Well, I thought Sarah's dad was dead.
04:45Looky here.
04:47I'm a walking miracle.
04:51Is he a wedding crusher or something?
04:53I don't know, but I should probably...
04:55I don't know.
04:57That might have been one of Susie's crazy uncles.
04:59So, I'm just gonna go and check it out.
05:13There you are.
05:15You're like a princess.
05:17I've come to walk my little girl down the aisle.
05:19I told them...
05:29That you're dead.
05:31Oh.
05:33Here.
05:35Looky, Chi.
05:37You're a mess.
05:39I thought you could get away from me, but you can't.
05:43You are me.
05:45Sarah, I'm sorry. I should have said this before,
05:47but it's not too late.
05:52What the fuck?
05:54Yes.
05:55Susie. Susie. Susie.
05:56I have to...
05:57What are you doing?
05:59You've missed your cue.
06:01You two should be walking now.
06:05Who is this person?
06:07This is... Jimmy.
06:09Whoever you are, you need to take your seats, for God's sakes.
06:13They need to go.
06:15Who will you go, Chi?
06:17You are not ruining this day for me.
06:19You will go out there and smile.
06:23Now walk.
06:24Walk.
06:25Walk.
06:26Walk.
06:27Walk.
06:28Walk.
06:49You may now be seated.
07:12Welcome, friends and fam-
07:13No, it's on.
07:19Welcome, friends and family, to this very, very special day.
07:29We are here to celebrate love, belonging, and finding your person.
07:33And look at these two beautiful people.
07:38And now, as an appetizer, or amuse-bouche, as we say in Paris, we have Sarah's sister
07:45sues, who's, yeah, going to read a poem all the way from the Emerald Isle.
07:51Oh, yeah.
07:52Oh, hello.
07:58Oh, hello.
08:01This is The Facts of Life by Porik Otuma.
08:05That you were born, and you will die.
08:13That you will sometimes love enough, and sometimes not.
08:18That you will lie, if only to yourself.
08:24That you'll get tired.
08:27That you'll learn most from the situations you did not choose.
08:32That you began as the fusion of a sperm and an egg of two people who once were strangers
08:38and may still well be.
08:43That you'll probably be okay.
08:45That you must accept change before you die, but you will die anyway.
08:51So you might as well live, and you might as well love.
08:57You might as well love.
08:59Oh, that was very Irish.
09:15Oh, let's keep some of those happy tears in there for the vows.
09:19Okay.
09:20Now, it's tradition to ask if anyone here objects to these two people spending the rest
09:29of their lives together.
09:30Uh-oh.
09:32Please speak now, or forever hold your peace.
09:41Oh, ah!
09:42Just kidding.
09:44Woo!
09:45Let's get this party started.
09:48Aw, so cute.
09:49Okay.
09:51Steve and Sarah, you may now say your vows.
10:00You okay?
10:01Never better.
10:02You are me.
10:07I stand before you, Sarah.
10:11And I know just one thing.
10:13I want to be your husband.
10:15Sarah, you are my best friend.
10:18My lover.
10:21My partner in crime.
10:23Or my Josephine to my Napoleon.
10:25And I cannot wait for all the adventures that we'll have together.
10:30Sarah, you are my beautiful rock.
10:33Uh, um...
10:35Wait, I'm sorry.
10:36Uh, sorry.
10:38You are beautiful, and you are my rock.
10:41Sorry.
10:42Aw.
10:44Thank you, Steve.
10:46Sarah?
10:47Oh, that was really beautiful.
10:50Okay.
10:51You are my rock.
10:56Rock.
10:58Rock.
11:00Cocksucker.
11:01Sorry.
11:02That was...
11:03Okay, nope.
11:06I can do this.
11:09Oh, sorry.
11:10Steve.
11:13You are my...
11:14Cocksucker.
11:20Hang on.
11:21I, I, I can do this.
11:22I can't.
11:23What is happening?
11:23I don't know.
11:24I just can't.
11:25Actually, I think I need to break.
11:26What?
11:26Yeah, I think I just...
11:27It's okay.
11:28Okay, why don't we take a little break, and we'll get the bride some water.
11:32I can't.
11:33I can't.
11:33I can't take my boots off.
11:34I have to take them off.
11:36Now?
11:36Yeah, we need to get it off.
11:39Just pull from the heel.
11:41Oh, my God.
11:41He'll pull harder.
11:43Oh, thanks.
11:43Fuck.
11:44Oh, hang on.
11:45There's another one.
11:46What are there always to...
11:48They're coming, parents.
11:48I have to get it off.
11:51Please, please get up, okay?
11:53Hee-haw.
11:54Hee-haw.
11:56That's what you sound like.
12:00That was super mean.
12:02Oh, no.
12:04I'm doing your favor.
12:06Yeah.
12:08We need someone who can...
12:10Ski.
12:13Honey, is this white?
12:15Yes, it's white.
12:15It is.
12:16That's what I said.
12:17Okay, there we go.
12:18It's white.
12:19I mean, this is white, right?
12:22I just have to stop to say one thing.
12:24I was going to be a CEO of something.
12:29I just...
12:30Oh, my God.
12:31I just...
12:31I want this dress off.
12:33Get it off!
12:34I want it off!
12:35Just get it off!
12:37Rip that dress.
12:38I will kill you.
12:39We'll talk about this later.
12:40Get on with it.
12:41Barb, I forgot to tap.
12:43We need to stop.
12:45Because I forgot to tap.
12:47Where's the queen?
12:48We need a miracle.
12:49What did you do to her?
12:50What did you do?
12:52Tap, tap, tap.
12:53Tap, tap, tap, tap.
12:54Tap, tap, tap.
12:55Tap, tap, tap.
12:56Tap, tap, tap.
12:57Tap, tap, tap.
12:57Tap, tap, tap.
12:59Tap, tap, tap.
12:59Tap, tap, tap.
13:00Sarah?
13:02You're okay.
13:03You're all liars.
13:06Liars!
13:08I'm a liar, too.
13:10Sarah.
13:11Sarah, it's okay.
13:12We're going to get out of here.
13:13But she's honest.
13:15I mean, okay, she smokes.
13:17But she's honest.
13:19And I want to be honest, too.
13:22Yeah, I want to show you all who I really am.
13:25Oh, we see who you are.
13:27And it is a miracle to behold.
13:29The first thing I learned in the AA is that addiction is never the fault of the others.
13:33Oh, you shut your cup, Jimmy.
13:35Oh, sorry, Paps.
13:36Who the hell is that guy?
13:37Our dad.
13:39Not dead.
13:40What?
13:40And I am not you.
13:47Oh, God, Sarah.
13:48Sarah?
13:49Fuck.
13:50What did you take?
13:51I don't know, Olivia.
13:52Oh, my God, what?
13:53How many?
13:53A lot.
13:54How many is a lot?
13:55A lot, a lot.
13:57Fuck.
13:57Okay, we've got to come out.
13:59Come on.
13:59Come on.
14:00Ah!
14:01Ah!
14:01Ah!
14:01Ah!
14:02Oh!
14:03Oh, my God!
14:04Oh, my God!
14:04Oh, my God!
14:05Oh, my God!
14:05Oh, my God!
14:05Oh, my God!
14:05Oh, my God!
14:05Oh, my God!
14:06Oh, my God!
14:07Oh, my God!
14:09Oh, my God!
14:10Oh, my God!
14:10I've got to call a doctor!
14:12Hello!
14:13Mishmachah!
14:15Hello!
14:15Hi!
14:15Hi!
14:17Mommy?
14:18No!
14:18I had to get down on my knees
14:20Oh, then I burned it
14:22Chosen ain't a price I've got to pay
14:25Tear down my knees
14:30Baby, baby, please
14:32Baby, baby
14:33I sacrificed myself today
14:36Yeah, yeah, yeah
14:38You know I want to do
14:41You know I need to
14:43You have a sense for a person
14:45Yeah, you have a sense for a person
14:48Yeah, yeah
14:49There, baby, baby
14:51I need to
14:52No, no, no, no
14:54I need to
14:54I need to
14:55I need to
14:56I need to
14:56I need to
14:57If you
14:58I need to
14:58I need to
14:59The
14:59Oh, my God!
15:02I need to
15:02There, I need to
15:02You have to
15:03I love another one.
15:33I love another one.
16:03But it's alright, I fall in love nearly every night, and it fills up my heart till I can't keep it in.
16:15So I hope you're mine, if I say it again, I'm in love with you, but it's okay.
16:25Oh, face is only a mother could love.
16:28And every day, I'm a little girl in the bed down my street.
16:35What did you be talking about?
16:37And with every good poet I have in my mind.
16:42Cause loving is easy
16:45It's taking a breath
16:47I do it all day
16:49Till the day of my death
16:52I don't want to own you
16:54You don't have to stay
16:56Just as long as I've known you
17:00I wanted to say
17:02Cause I'm in love with you, honey
17:04But don't be afraid
17:06I fell in love
17:08With the love that we made
17:10But it's none of my business
17:13If you could love me
17:15You don't have to earn it
17:21I'm giving it free
17:23Why are you looking at me like that?
17:28I'm not dead
17:28I have
17:30I've been thinking about it
17:33I think you should take my eggs
17:36Are you still high on the meds?
17:39No
17:40I mean, yeah
17:41But I'm serious
17:42Well
17:43You should think about it
17:45You want me to
17:46Take your eggs?
17:48I mean it
17:48They're just gonna get thrown away
17:50Oh, God
17:52Well, and there'll be a little one of you running around?
17:56Yeah, last thing the world needs
17:58I'm serious, though
18:00Think about it
18:02That's a pretty good offer
18:03For a girl like you
18:05Oh, my God
18:07Your egg
18:10And a stranger's sperm
18:13Well, I came from a stranger
18:16And it brought me to you
18:17Oh
18:19Will you help me raise a baby?
18:22No fucking chance
18:24Auntie Sarah
18:28I can live with that
18:30I can live with that
18:32I can live with that
18:35I can live with that
18:35I can live with that
18:36I can live with that
18:37I can live with that
18:38I can live with that
18:39I can live with that
18:40I can live with that
18:41I can live with that
18:42I can live with that
18:43I can live with that
18:44I can live with that
18:45I can live with that
18:46I can live with that
18:46I can live with that
18:47I can live with that
18:48I can live with that
18:49I can live with that
18:50I can live with that
18:51I can live with that
18:52I can live with that
18:53I can live with that
18:54I can live with that
18:55I can live with that
18:56I can live with that
18:57Yeah, I want you.
19:27I can't believe you're still in there.
19:46Hang on, this is fucking infection, but I feel so much better.
19:50That's a few situations.
19:51Haven't gone.
19:52I've got a hemorrhoid the size of a golf ball.
19:54I've got a release in if I'm lucky.
19:56Are you pregnant yet?
19:58I don't know.
19:59Can I wait two weeks?
20:00Two fucking weeks.
20:02Two weeks?
20:04Oh, man.
20:06Hey, you got a pullout in that new place?
20:09I barely have a bed.
20:10Well, looks like I'm sleeping with you then.
20:13Huh?
20:14I might have booked a flight to come and see you.
20:16I thought you were broke.
20:18Yeah, well, there were a couple of engagement rings kicking around.
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