- 16 hours ago
8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown - Season 29 Episode 3 - Jon Richardson & Judi Love, Rob Beckett & Miles Jupp, RóIsíN And Chiara
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00:00Welcome, on stage, Mr. Jekyll!
00:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:09Thank you very much.
00:11We're doing this, OK.
00:14So, go wild and crazy for Rob Beckett, John Richardson,
00:17Miles Jupp, Judy Love, Roisin and Kiara,
00:20Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
00:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:30Hello, everyone.
00:37He's tiny in real life, isn't he?
00:40All right, let's roll the titles.
01:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:15Hello and welcome to Edit of Ten Cats Does Countdown,
01:19a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:22OK, let's meet tonight's teams.
01:23First up, it's team captain, John Richardson.
01:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:30John Richardson, he's the thinking woman's crumpet,
01:35and that woman is thinking,
01:36I'm not sure I like crumpets.
01:38LAUGHTER
01:40And John's team-mate's Judy Love.
01:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:45Judy is a regular panellist on Loose Women,
01:48and it's wrong to say that Loose Women is just a load of ladies
01:51sitting around drinking Prosecco before noon.
01:53I happen to know a lot of that chat is fuelled by vodka.
01:55LAUGHTER
01:57My poor girls, everyone's always coming for my girls.
02:00Girls, your girls.
02:01Girls, combined age of 258.
02:04LAUGHTER
02:06Up against them this evening, it's team captain Rob Beckett.
02:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:14Rob said on his podcast that he'd pay good money to see me naked.
02:18I find that weird.
02:19What would be so interesting about seeing my penises?
02:21LAUGHTER
02:22I think you're like a Ken.
02:24He'd pull down his pants and it's just flat.
02:27LAUGHTER
02:29LAUGHTER
02:31Yeah, I think it would be if you did it.
02:33LAUGHTER
02:35You did say you wanted to see me naked on the podcast.
02:36Yeah, I do want to see you naked.
02:37I'm intrigued.
02:38Why?
02:39I just can't...
02:40Because you don't really present as a real person.
02:41LAUGHTER
02:42You should do this.
02:43No time like the present, Jimmy.
02:44Yeah.
02:45Jimmy, Jimmy.
02:46Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
02:47Oh, no, if you're all...
02:48Oh, if you're all in love for this, I'd just get my cock out.
02:50Yeah, sure.
02:51I think it would be too much, I'd still...
02:52I don't think it would be too much.
02:53Not what?
02:57I think it would be some.
02:58LAUGHTER
03:00And joining Rob tonight, myles jump.
03:03Yeah!
03:05APPLAUSE
03:07I don't think it would be too much. I still...
03:09I don't think it would be too much.
03:11I think it would be some.
03:13And joining Rob tonight is Myles Jupp.
03:15Yes!
03:21Myles has five children, which must be exhausting for his staff.
03:27In fairness, they work bloody hard.
03:29For, may I say, a pittance.
03:34Talk us through a day in the life of Myles Jupp.
03:36Gosh, well, I like to get up early, be first down to the kitchen,
03:39fix myself a quick roast beef with all the trimmings.
03:45Then it's breakfast, where I'm joined by the others.
03:48A quick snack before the school run,
03:50usually a roast beef with all the trimmings.
03:52Then it's eleventies.
03:54Yeah, perhaps a little walk around the garden,
03:57maybe going to town, do some shopping, butchers, veg shop.
04:00Come home, quick roast beef with all the trimmings
04:03to set me up for lunch.
04:05Then I watch Loose Women.
04:08I save the gravy for then.
04:09And then that's...
04:12Well, that was clearly filthy.
04:14I wasn't expecting that.
04:18And that is how you maintain your girlish figure.
04:20That's right, yeah.
04:21My pre-Raphaelite curves, yeah.
04:23LAUGHTER
04:26John, if you could switch lives with anyone on the panel
04:28for a day, who would you pick?
04:30God, I'd take any of you.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:36Genuinely, I'd have you for a day,
04:38I would ruin that body you paid so much for.
04:41LAUGHTER
04:42I'd wake up and tear hair out for an hour or two.
04:45LAUGHTER
04:46It's all replaceable.
04:47LAUGHTER
04:50I'd like to be Rachel,
04:51cos I'd like to sleep with one of the dancers off Strictly,
04:53but I don't have to go on the show.
04:54LAUGHTER
04:56Ideally.
04:57I'd like to have a night with Pasha.
04:58LAUGHTER
04:59Well, that's a lovely thought.
05:04I'm happy, Jimmy, I like my life.
05:08Coming across?
05:09No, she skips me.
05:10I'd love to be you, Judy.
05:11Oh, good.
05:12Just to know what it's...
05:14how quickly the gap eradicates between the thought and the speech.
05:18LAUGHTER
05:25Judy, you get annoyed quite easily.
05:27What sets you off?
05:28You know what it is?
05:29When people try to pay backhand compliments.
05:33When people go,
05:34Oh, how are you so confident?
05:35I'm like, what?
05:36Because I've got a fupa,
05:37and I haven't seen my fanny for years.
05:38Like, they find it really...
05:40LAUGHTER
05:41What?
05:42You can only say it to big girls.
05:44What do you call it?
05:45A fupa.
05:46A fupa.
05:47It's like a little fold.
05:48Oh.
05:49It's a little fold.
05:50Yeah.
05:51Yeah, then backhand compliments get on my flippin' nose.
05:53LAUGHTER
05:54Rob, if you hadn't had a career
05:56as a successful stand-up comedian,
05:57what do you think you would have done?
05:59Er, had a career as an unsuccessful one.
06:01LAUGHTER
06:02Don't have a dig at John.
06:03LAUGHTER
06:04OK.
06:05Miles, have you got a mascot?
06:06I have, actually, yes.
06:07So, I was sent a book to have a look at,
06:08and, er, not what I was expecting.
06:09I was told it was a...
06:10For the author, it was a real passion project.
06:11Anyway, here it is, this book.
06:12It's called Jimmy Carr's Bumper Book of Facts About Eggs.
06:15Oh, yes, yes.
06:16Do you bet...
06:17You must know...
06:18Your agent sent it to me very kindly,
06:19and, really, just about another set of eyes.
06:20Give a bit of feedback.
06:21Er, I'll put most of it in an email,
06:22but a few thoughts, er, did come up.
06:23I've tried to approach it with an open mind.
06:24Er, chapter one.
06:25Er, I'm only joking.
06:26I always relieve myself directly into the book of Facts About Eggs.
06:30I'm only joking.
06:31I always relieve myself directly into the book of Facts About Eggs.
06:34Oh, yes.
06:35It's a very good word.
06:36Oh, yes.
06:37Oh, yes, yes.
06:38You bet...
06:39You must know...
06:40Your agent sent it to me very kindly,
06:41and really, just about another set of eyes.
06:42Give a bit of feedback.
06:44Erm, I'll put most of it in an email,
06:45but a few thoughts did come up.
06:46I've tried to approach it with an open mind.
06:47Er, chapter one.
06:48Every day, I have nine soft-boiled eggs for my breakfast.
06:50They always go straight through me.
06:51LAUGHTER
06:55With the cupped hands of a waiting servant.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:58I mean, it's unflinchingly honest, Jimmy.
07:00Erm...
07:01Benefit of the doubt, let's look at the others.
07:03Er, oh, here we go.
07:04I don't know if you were sort of hurrying to get towards the end,
07:06or perhaps you'd lost interest or confidence.
07:08Er, some animals that you may be surprised to hear
07:10actually hatch from eggs.
07:12So, this is...
07:13Strange chapter.
07:14Erm...
07:15Chickens.
07:16I will put more in the email, but that's not a surprise, Jimmy.
07:19Erm, cows.
07:21I just don't think it's right.
07:22Erm...
07:23Er, mine are royals, it says here.
07:26Erm...
07:27Place names with the word egg inside them.
07:29Er, you've written Winnipeg.
07:31LAUGHTER
07:32That's it.
07:33It's only got one G for a start.
07:34Erm...
07:35And then it says,
07:36The rest of this page has been left blank for you to fill in your own ideas.
07:38LAUGHTER
07:39That's 25 quid, Jimmy.
07:41That is...
07:42That's absolutely shameful.
07:43But look, fair play to you for sticking your head above the parapet.
07:45Best of luck with the book.
07:46Well done.
07:48APPLAUSE
07:49Miles Jeff, everyone.
07:50APPLAUSE
07:51Er, John, have you got a mascot?
07:53Yes.
07:54I don't mind the jokes about me being little and having a small penis
07:58and going bald, all that stuff.
08:00Did anyone...
08:01Did anyone mention a small penis?
08:02LAUGHTER
08:03I feel like no-one mentioned a small penis.
08:05I just...
08:06I've had enough.
08:07I'm going to...
08:08I'm just going to do something different tonight, so that you can't hurt me.
08:11So...
08:12OK.
08:13I'm just...
08:14I give less of a shit.
08:15So...
08:16What was that?
08:17Erm...
08:18That's a bad start to giving less of a shit.
08:19Oh, I've dropped something!
08:20LAUGHTER
08:21Start by sitting backwards on my chair, cos that's what...
08:24Oh, wow.
08:25That's what bad boys do, innit?
08:26Yeah?
08:27Yeah.
08:28What do you think of that?
08:29It's going to be, like, bad tonight.
08:31It's going to be like a naughty boy.
08:33And...
08:34A naughty boy?
08:35Start by popping a leather jacket on.
08:38LAUGHTER
08:41Over the cardigan?
08:42Over the cardigan.
08:43LAUGHTER
08:46Oh, wow.
08:47You like that?
08:48You like that?
08:49Ooh!
08:50Yeah, you're quiet now, aren't you, Jimmy?
08:52LAUGHTER
08:53Scared all of a sudden.
08:55Erm...
08:56Just in case you're thinking of pick on me.
08:58Woo!
08:59LAUGHTER
09:01We're working out.
09:02Yeah.
09:03Get these guns pumped.
09:04You're like...
09:05Oh, God!
09:06Yeah!
09:07Oh, indeed, Judy.
09:08Wow!
09:09Yeah, pop them there.
09:10Where did we find weights that small?
09:12LAUGHTER
09:13Oh, wow.
09:14Wow.
09:15Wow, are you serious?
09:16Yeah.
09:17How about you check me out, then, in this kind...
09:18One brother, mate, let you come to me, innit?
09:20Oh!
09:21LAUGHTER
09:22See anything you like?
09:24Not really.
09:26LAUGHTER
09:27Smoking's cool, innit?
09:29LAUGHTER
09:30LAUGHTER
09:32Yeah.
09:33These chairs are wider than I anticipated.
09:35LAUGHTER
09:41It's got a rubber tip on it.
09:42WHOOSH
09:43Someone's glued it.
09:44It's still got a rubber...
09:45It's still got a rubber tip on the beer.
09:46It's got a rubber tip on the beer.
09:47Yeah.
09:48LAUGHTER
09:49LAUGHTER
09:54Have another crack, yeah, here we go.
09:56What flavour's that?
10:01Er...
10:02Pussy and beer.
10:03LAUGHTER
10:05Slightly more likely to be Dandelion and Burdock.
10:07LAUGHTER
10:09Thank you, Judy.
10:11That's good.
10:12Whoop!
10:13LAUGHTER
10:14And he's over.
10:15Oh, blimey.
10:16Oh, wow.
10:17APPLAUSE
10:22What I...
10:23What I really like is that John carried all that stuff in a pink bag with strawberries on it.
10:27LAUGHTER
10:28Where's the bag? Can we see the bag?
10:29LAUGHTER
10:31LAUGHTER
10:37Whatever.
10:38LAUGHTER
10:39Rob, have you got a mascot?
10:41Yes, so I do have a mascot, actually.
10:43A little hobby of mine, someone I'm quite proud of, is I've got a cactus collection.
10:47And I don't know if you know this, because I've got quite green-fingered.
10:50Um, you can actually train a cactus into different shapes.
10:56Ooh, fascinating.
10:57Are you into gardening and stuff?
10:58Oh, very much so.
10:59Really, what have you got?
11:00What have I got?
11:01Yeah, what kind of flowers and stuff?
11:02What kind of plants?
11:03Well, in which meadow?
11:05LAUGHTER
11:07Right, here we go.
11:08So we've got a few bits of bobs here.
11:09So I've got this one.
11:10This is the first one I did, cos it's sort of quite tricky.
11:12So you want to sort of, like, start small, work your way up.
11:15But I've done this one.
11:16LAUGHTER
11:17So, erm, what do you think, Miles?
11:22Very, very tempting, yeah.
11:24They're lovely, aren't they?
11:26Yeah, so I did that one first.
11:28Erm, and then this one, it's the second one I worked on.
11:31Which is, erm...
11:33LAUGHTER
11:36Erm, what do you think?
11:38That, that, that is...
11:40Yeah, I mean, it's really terrific.
11:42It's really twitching.
11:43No, it's absolutely, it's absolutely terrific, this episode.
11:45Yeah.
11:46Erm, well, any tabletop, really.
11:48Yeah.
11:49Or bottom.
11:50Or, it...
11:51Yes.
11:52Rob Beckett's green fingers, everyone.
11:54What a nice.
11:59Erm, well, over in Dictionary Corner, it's, erm, Roisin and Kiara.
12:02APPLAUSE
12:05It's your first time on the show, we're thrilled to have you here.
12:07Could you tell us a little bit about your act?
12:09Oh.
12:10Well, I guess sometimes it can be quite, erm...
12:19And then other times it can be more, sort of, earthy, you know, grounded in the pelVIN, a bit more sort of...
12:23sort of you've been working together as a cult duo for the last decade everything we do we do in
12:35perfect harmony let's get ready to rumble
12:38Roshina Kiara everyone
12:50and with them of course it's uh it's our lovely susie dent
12:57susie dent is an inspiration she's shown little girls up and down the country
13:01that yes women can be just as boring as men
13:04susie what have you been working on lately actually i have been working on a series with
13:10phil wang for radio 4. actually for a long time jimmy i thought your name was wang
13:16because wang kai is what loads of people call you backstage
13:25but miles has been on it he was fab yeah they're very kind yeah you are okay
13:30okay what's the podcast about um it's called unspeakable and we get people like giles to come
13:36on and come up she means giles brandreth what did i call you you call me giles yes essentially
13:44i'm so sorry yeah she's not very good with words
13:48you very gratefully came on the show you came on the show very memorable guy
13:55okay in charge of the numbers is rachel riley
14:01yes rachel is here which tells us one thing the search for her replacement is taking longer
14:05than we thought rachel who's the most interesting person you've ever met i've met a lot of cool
14:10people i've met the king met david beckham and also met a guy that can fart on demand in time
14:17to pop songs yeah rob beckett only up to 1999 though as soon as drummer bass came in i gave up
14:25okay the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this the countdown dog bed
14:46okay everyone let's countdown uh time for our first game rob miles you get the first pick of the
14:50letters giles after you um i'll have a consonant please thank you giles
14:59could that also be a g
15:04that is very good that is very good uh i'll have another consonant is that the way this works yeah
15:13you'd like three of each three of each uh three of each until rachel looks worried for us okay yeah
15:17another constant please in front of my lead p and then can i have the a on the top of the vowel
15:22a can i have another vowel please another vowel oh you you choose some you're a captain okay cool
15:35consonant please yep t um a another uh vowel i and then consonant please and the last one l and for
15:44the first time today here's the countdown clock oh is that
15:51fabio thanks
15:54fabio thanks
16:05just don't look as easy about
16:09i'm worried about him falling to sleep he's already had his nap
16:21i've got uh seven seven
16:43john how many would i risk a nine susie no no i wouldn't then yeah
16:47i'll stick with a seven as well judy five okay what's your five plate
16:56rob your five petal petal oh i've got a terrible fucking colic
17:05miles your seven uh i've got two sevens actually uh they are uh climate and polemic
17:12wow very good wow private and polemic so what's this nine
17:18that was uh that was good wasn't it susie that was amazing maybe maybe write down his name yeah
17:25and what was your nine john that you went for well compile is a seven and then i wondered if you can
17:30have compilate as you can have a compilation of something yeah no you can't compilate oh that's a
17:36shame seven for us jim seven points for both teams
17:45i might go for my nap that's such a weird hang on it was me the whole time
17:54hang on i might take my bonnet off roshi and kiara could they have done any better yes
17:58um poetical oh let's have that again very breathy poetical okay so at the end of that it's a draw
18:08everyone's got seven points okay on to our first numbers round uh john judy you get to pick the
18:17numbers do you want to pick judy or will you just ruin it um no three little ones all right okay nine two
18:25six and then the big one 75 50 and 100 and the target 359 there it is and your time starts now
18:55so the target was 359 judy love did you get it hold on i got 342 well that is worth no points
19:12i know but give me some credit for how sorry to speak i know but give me i can't expect you to not
19:18eat while we recorded three four two miles did you get it i got three five seven okay uh rob i did
19:29what i think i did okay i never don't get it uh i got three five eight right rob it's all on you six
19:36six times seventy five yes 450 minus 100 350 plus the nine ten points well done can we just say i've got 342
19:51can we talk about that we've done that we've talked about that we're all decided as a group it was
19:56irrelevant so rob and miles have 17 uh john and judy have seven
20:05the time now to go across to dictionary corner roisin and kiara what have you got for us
20:09wow got a pretty good vibe yeah you all right yeah yeah i'm fine you seem a little bit uh sort of
20:15subdued or no i'm fine i'm fine all right is it is it jimmy i just i can't read him i don't know what
20:20he's thinking yeah maybe it was earlier when you tried to sort of hug him from behind yeah no he
20:25didn't like that yeah sorry i think that's on jimmy though because like that is your like native
20:30mediterranean war yes yeah because she's italian si è vero sono italiana so i think we'd imagine she's
20:37someone sort of incredibly in touch with her um sensuality infatti sono una donna molto sensuale
20:42um unusually connected with their femininity people monica bellucci actually she is incredibly
20:51repressed that's right because i'm also half english so that explains that and roshin roshin on the
20:57other hand is is irish yeah catholic and i'm an hour august and vic august and spirit knave amen that's
21:03right but the wonderful thing about roshin is that she's actually incredibly playful and um loose and
21:11just a tiny bit slutty just a teeny tiny bit sorry that is absolute like slander not at all i'm not
21:16like that but it makes total sense because she's just trying to connect right because because we're
21:21born alone exactly and we die alone and that's okay well there we go are you a naughty boy
21:32are you a kinky kinky little boot okay don't call him a boot because he's a very like very well-known
21:41she's got a thing for people in positions of power and clearly you're right in the middle oh here we go
21:54don't look don't look don't watch
22:10come over here what are you doing sorry he has been ogling me
22:14all right but we're here we're part of the show he can't okay all right regardless of the details
22:20i've got something to say to you john you might do this all the time maybe it's a bit of a laugh for
22:25you yeah it's all fun and games but for me i'm at work
22:33rosie and chiara everyone
22:36the first time i've seen a woman straddle a man in a cardigan
22:45do you know what's funny as much as john started to look very awkward
22:49you moved that cup so fast
22:55we don't want to spill liquids
22:57you didn't just look back over there did you
23:07sorry straight ahead would you like to swap seats john
23:12well this one's sodden now
23:16that is i'm afraid that's a sign of a nervous bowel isn't it john
23:20that kimchi was on the turn and i took a gamble on the wrong night
23:23yeah there is there is such a thing as too much roughage
23:28enough with a sexy talk
23:37you move the crockery i'll have one last poo
23:45and here is your teaser the words are meat bell the clue is
23:48nom nom nom nom nom nom nom that's a meat bell
23:51nom nom nom nom nom nom nom
24:09welcome back the answer to the cheese the words were
24:12meat bell the clue was nom nom nom nom nom it was of course meltable okay so rob and
24:17miles are in the lead they've been playing in teams so far but this game is just for rob and judy
24:22so judy your turn to choose i'll take a vowel please great start e consonant g
24:30the consonant m consonant s a vowel i
24:38oh go on let's have smeggiest
24:54y continent final r while you do this i've just got to pick some friends up from the station so your time
25:00starts now
25:09i had to just do a pickup
25:22Do you like crown-green bowling on a Thursday?
25:27It's my turn to dry.
25:52We'll see cameras.
25:59Oh, my God!
26:17Oh, fuck.
26:24He should be in your dressing room, don't you?
26:27Oh, it's Pasha, everyone.
26:30Hi, Pasha.
26:31Hello, nice to see you.
26:32Hello.
26:35I can't believe it, the Pasha's here, who's Rachel's other half,
26:39and also Susie Dent's other half's here.
26:42I should say, just earlier on the show,
26:47that John Richardson mentioned that he wanted to have sex
26:51with one of the Strictly dancers, specifically you.
26:54It's the first time I've ever said that on a show as well.
26:57One of the fucking chances.
26:59You'll be out of there in ten minutes, mate.
27:02Very efficient lovemaker.
27:05Oh, no.
27:06With my skill, you'll be out on two.
27:09Oh, please.
27:11It's like a date of the undateables.
27:14It is.
27:16A round of applause for Pasha and my friends from the bowling club.
27:25Judy, how many?
27:26Five.
27:27Five.
27:28Well, you only had 30 seconds, fair enough.
27:38Six.
27:39Six?
27:40Wow.
27:41Smashed that five, didn't you?
27:43What was the five, Judy?
27:44Misty?
27:45Or Timer?
27:46We'll go Misty.
27:47It's on the end of Timer.
27:48Yeah, Timers.
27:49Sorry.
27:50Timers.
27:51Timers.
27:52Timers.
27:53Rob, you're six.
27:54I've got Misery or Mister.
27:55You said Misery was not possible.
27:57You said Mystery.
27:58No, but I said Misery.
27:59I said Misery or Misery.
28:02I think John is unlikely to describe Misery as not possible.
28:05LAUGHTER
28:06I said Misery.
28:08He's starting to laugh.
28:12I'll give you six points to Rob.
28:15APPLAUSE
28:18Roisin and Chiara, could they have done any better?
28:20They could have.
28:21Interestingly, John and Chiara both had Misery.
28:23Yeah.
28:24I'm just wondering what your misery is about.
28:25I actually am feeling a little bit miserable.
28:28I'm going to admit it.
28:29Why is that?
28:30I got Botox in the muscle of my jaw, OK?
28:33Because I grind my teeth when I sleep.
28:35Right.
28:36And here, today, I realised I can't smile.
28:39LAUGHTER
28:40I'm just smiling with my eyes.
28:44You can't smile now because you've had too much work done?
28:47LAUGHTER
28:48You're telling me that?
28:49LAUGHTER
28:50But yeah, we could have done a bit better.
28:52We could have eight letters here.
28:54Germiest.
28:55Germiest?
28:56Germiest.
28:57You never mess a germ.
28:58I did spot that, but I've got some wipes down here at all times.
29:01Got rid of it.
29:02Have you finished undressing Dictionary Corner with your eyes?
29:05I'm not looking over there again.
29:07You can look at me.
29:08I can't make you smile, though, can I?
29:10No.
29:11LAUGHTER
29:12Who's picking these old numbers, then?
29:14LAUGHTER
29:15LAUGHTER
29:20So, at the end of all that, Rob and Miles have 23,
29:23John and Judy have seven.
29:25Damn.
29:26Come on, Judy.
29:27APPLAUSE
29:30OK, right.
29:31Now, sorry for John and Miles to go head-to-head in the maths.
29:35Miles, your turn to pick the numbers.
29:37Yeah, is it six in total?
29:38Is that what we're looking for?
29:39Six, yes.
29:40So, three...
29:41I'm increasingly confident.
29:44I can count.
29:45I just can't...
29:46The angle I'm at...
29:47Erm...
29:48Although...
29:49There's no numbers yet?
29:50No.
29:51Yeah, zero.
29:52You've already...
29:53Yes, you've already got it.
29:54LAUGHTER
29:56Three big numbers and three little numbers.
29:58Three and three coming up.
29:59You've got this.
30:00Three little ones.
30:01Ten, seven, two.
30:03And the three big ones.
30:0565, 25 and 50.
30:08And the target, 192.
30:10OK, and your time starts now.
30:12You've got to get the number of balloons.
30:13It's just my memory.
30:14So, you're not coming out.
30:15It's going to be a number of balloons.
30:16If you're thinking about it, you're just going to get the number of balloons, you can start now.
30:19MUSIC PLAYS
30:42So the target was 192. Miles, did you get it?
30:45I didn't know. Why do you look so pleased with yourself?
30:49OK, John, did you get it?
30:511,93. How did you get 1,93?
30:5475 plus 25. 100.
30:57Plus 2 times 50. Plus 2 times 50. 200.
31:02Minus 7. Yeah, one away. That's what I got.
31:05Judy, no-one believes you.
31:07Listen, I did 2 times 75, and then I added 50.
31:12No. 25. You added 50?
31:15I added 25 makes...
31:17175.
31:1875.
31:19And then I added...
31:21You haven't even done that.
31:23No, no, no.
31:24Then I...
31:25I added the 10.
31:27185.
31:28And the...
31:297.
31:30192.
31:32Oh!
31:33You did it!
31:38Why are you looking at me like that wasn't bullshit?
31:40I just did it here in front of you.
31:42What the hell?
31:43You watched Rachel do it and blagged it.
31:45What? I can't win! I can't win!
31:47No, you can't!
31:48I can't!
31:49Stop the conversation, you can't win!
31:517 points to John.
31:52Oh!
31:53My!
31:54Well, no, that's good.
31:55That's good.
31:56And here is your teaser.
31:58The words are oiled nut.
32:00The clue is, you can see the shape of it.
32:02That's oiled nut.
32:03You can see the shape of it.
32:05See you after the break.
32:06APPLAUSE
32:22Welcome back.
32:23The answer to the teaser.
32:24The words were oiled nut.
32:25The clue was you can see the shape of it.
32:27It was, of course, outlined.
32:29John, your team was doing so badly that we thought you needed help.
32:33Please welcome comedian Dane Buckley.
32:35APPLAUSE
32:40Dane went to a convent school where all the teachers were priests.
32:44Me too, which is why I've got dodgy knees.
32:47Oh, God!
32:48And no gag reflex, yeah.
32:52I've got a gag reflex, baby.
32:54I remember, yeah.
32:58No need to ask Dane how he got the job.
33:02Dane, it's your first time on the show.
33:03Yeah.
33:04How would you describe yourself?
33:05Face of a Greek god, body of Turkish delight.
33:06OK?
33:07That's what I would say.
33:08That's what I would say on the dating apps.
33:09No, I call myself the world's only Irish Indian gay comedian, possibly.
33:13For the longest time, like, I wasn't out as half Indian, like...
33:18I never used to tell people I was good at IT, you know?
33:21Not now.
33:22When you're Asian and white, you just generally look Mediterranean, you know, like Charlie XCX.
33:28But I learnt recently, you're darker down below.
33:30You're darker down south.
33:31And I didn't know...
33:32Oh, are you?
33:33Yes.
33:34Well, thanks for sharing.
33:35And I didn't realise that was a thing, but I was at the doctor's recently, and he saw me naked, bless him.
33:39And he said, Mr Buckley, can I ask you what your heritage is?
33:42And I was like, what has he found?
33:43Onion barge in my own five.
33:44Are you any good at Countdown?
33:47I'm massive dyslexic, so no, so that's why...
33:51Guys, we're bringing the looks.
33:53Also, I think we look like a line-up of United Colours of Benetton campaign, don't we?
33:57Look at that.
33:58Funding written all over us.
33:59Yes.
34:00Yes.
34:01United Colours of Benetton?
34:02Yeah.
34:03What's John, the guy from Accounts?
34:05You wouldn't know what that looks like.
34:07LAUGHTER
34:10APPLAUSE
34:13Oh, ten points, that's ten points.
34:17Jane, who's the funniest person you know?
34:19Hands down, you'll know this, Jimmy, as well, my mammy.
34:22Irish mammies are hilarious.
34:24Can people think that I am writing my mum and making her up?
34:27I'm not, this is how she is.
34:28Me and her won a beach in Broadstairs, walking along, minding my own business,
34:32and we straightened on to the nudist part of the beach.
34:35But there was this older gentleman there, completely naked, belly hanging out, penis hanging out,
34:40resting Brexit face, that kind of vibe.
34:42LAUGHTER
34:43No teeth, lots of opinions, that was his part.
34:46LAUGHTER
34:47He was targeting women on the beach, but he'd never taken on an Irish mammy.
34:51And he said to my mum,
34:52scuse me, love, does my penis make you feel uncomfortable?
34:55And my mum did not miss a beat, glasses on a chain.
34:57She said, what, love? That little thing there.
35:00LAUGHTER
35:01I highly doubt that ever made a woman feel uncomfortable.
35:04LAUGHTER
35:06She said, I'll be honest with your puppet, I've seen bigger in mother care.
35:09LAUGHTER
35:11He's walked away.
35:13APPLAUSE
35:14Have you got a mascot? Can you bring your mascot?
35:18Oh, my God, yeah, I'm not just here to have fun, look at this, yeah.
35:20Right.
35:22This...
35:24is a jalebi.
35:25The most famous of Indian sweets.
35:27It's crispy, it's deep-fried, it's syrupy, and it's absolutely gorgeous.
35:32And my nan used to teach me how to cook Indian dishes once a week.
35:35And we would fry these and she would make masala chai tea
35:38and she'd read my tea leaves.
35:40But she used to use it as a time to get information out of me
35:42because she didn't want to ask.
35:44So she'd be like, hmm, hmm, OK, not many...
35:46I'm allowed to do the accent, OK?
35:48LAUGHTER
35:49So she used to read my tea leaves and she'd be like, hmm, OK,
35:51not many girls in your future.
35:54LAUGHTER
35:55So many boys, OK.
35:57Dancing, so gay.
35:58Oh, darling, you're dancing round a pole.
36:00And I was like, give me that, Nan.
36:01There's no way you can tell from those leaves he's Polish, like...
36:04LAUGHTER
36:06And so I thought, be brave.
36:08I didn't realise I had to come out to my nan.
36:10I said, Nan, I'm gay.
36:12She said, we must call your father immediately.
36:14I said, why?
36:15She said, he owes me 20 pounds.
36:17LAUGHTER
36:20I said, Nan, I'm as gay as the day is long.
36:24She said, rubbish, foolish, gay as the day is long.
36:26You mean to tell me you're going to be less gay in winter?
36:29LAUGHTER
36:31Hashtag gaylight savings.
36:33LAUGHTER
36:35But I brought some jalebes for you guys to try.
36:38I thought it'd be nice.
36:39Ooh!
36:40So they are vegan, the jalebes.
36:42Have a little go.
36:43No, you keep them, Judy.
36:45LAUGHTER
36:48Take one of my family.
36:49Mmm, they're nice, aren't they?
36:50Mmm, nice.
36:51Yeah.
36:52Oh, my God, there's nothing to matter with that.
36:53It's nice, isn't there?
36:54It's like that crispy shredded beef without the beef in.
36:57LAUGHTER
36:58It is, it is, it is.
37:00Wow, way to change my culture, Rob, great.
37:03LAUGHTER
37:04Do you want me to start an Angel Delight, Rob?
37:06LAUGHTER
37:08LAUGHTER
37:09My mum knew that the Indian side would win in the kitchen. Fair, fair.
37:19But she wanted the cultural side to win in Ireland, so growing up I spoke Irish.
37:23It's a Celtic language.
37:24And you'll know, if you know any Irish, nothing sounds like what you think it means.
37:27Like, listen to this.
37:28Which sounds like, honestly, you're saying, ready the war between the elves and the centaurs,
37:35but it means I have no interest in the local facilities.
37:38LAUGHTER
37:40If you know anything about a gay man, that's just not true, Rob.
37:43LAUGHTER
37:45LAUGHTER
37:46Well, I think I've done every stereotype. Thank you, good night.
37:49LAUGHTER
37:50APPLAUSE
37:52Come on, James, come on.
37:54Come on, this way.
37:56APPLAUSE
37:57OK, on with the game.
37:59Dane, your turn to choose the letters.
38:00A consonant.
38:02That's so much sugar.
38:03That is extraordinary.
38:04It feels like if we'd just eaten sugar, there would have been less sugar in it than that.
38:07LAUGHTER
38:08A vowel?
38:10Just make my eyes hurt.
38:11Oh.
38:12Another vowel?
38:13I think I might have type 3 diabetes.
38:16E?
38:17I'm an Irish speaker, so another vowel?
38:20LAUGHTER
38:21A?
38:22Do you know what?
38:23Give us another vowel.
38:24LAUGHTER
38:25What are you going to do?
38:26Colonisers?
38:27No.
38:28LAUGHTER
38:30You're going to start annoying John in a minute.
38:32He's going to start getting itchy.
38:33If you do another vowel, he'll start to get panicky.
38:35We've just met and you've brought me a lovely treat, but, you know, let's not fuck about.
38:39LAUGHTER
38:41OK, a consonant.
38:42There you go.
38:43S.
38:44What fingers are too sticky to write?
38:46How many, how many vowels am I allowed?
38:48Four.
38:49LAUGHTER
38:50Do you know what?
38:52Give me a big vowel.
38:53I'm so sorry, Jane, but the fun police have turned up.
38:56A consonant.
38:57A consonant.
38:58A consonant.
38:59N.
39:00And the vowel.
39:01E.
39:02That's your max.
39:03Right.
39:04A consonant.
39:05A number.
39:06A W.
39:07OK, and your time starts now.
39:08What?
39:09We're a tick, mate.
39:10Oh.
39:11You pick shit letters and we all surprise you.
39:12LAUGHTER
39:13Doesn't sound like they're spelling, does it?
39:14LAUGHTER
39:15Dane, how'd you do?
39:16Four.
39:17Uh, Judy?
39:18Four.
39:19Four.
39:20Did you get the same?
39:21Four.
39:22Did you get the same?
39:23Four.
39:24Oh.
39:25Oh.
39:26Oh.
39:27Oh.
39:28You pick shit letters and we all surprise you.
39:30LAUGHTER
39:31You pick two, then...
39:32Do you pick two if it fits?
39:33One.
39:34One.
39:35One.
39:36One.
39:37One.
39:38One.
39:39One.
39:40One.
39:41One.
39:42One.
39:43Two.
39:44One.
39:45One.
39:46One.
39:47One.
39:48Two.
39:49One.
39:50One.
39:51One.
39:52Three.
39:53One.
39:54Four.
39:55One.
39:56Seven.
39:57One.
39:58One.
39:59You're...
40:00Just some more
40:04I'm sure you can imagine what I'm like when I'm hyper
40:09Five it was a sinew
40:12Yeah, just tell me straight away didn't matter
40:15All right Rob how many five swine?
40:21We're all hyper we're on a sugar rush deal with it dad
40:24Dane your four what was your four news. Oh well done
40:34Definitely worth turning up for
40:38Judy what was your four not five five? What was it noise noise John insane in the membrane
40:51Very sugary
40:55Six points to John
41:03Roisin Kiara Susie could they have done any better? Yep
41:13That's one it's it's like one or it's also I think quite a nice sort of padded waterproof
41:18Jacket with a hood okay, so the scores of the moment are Robin miles have 23
41:22John Judy and Dane have 20
41:31Anything for a good time that's I'd nosh me anything for a good time see you up for the break
41:35Welcome back the answer to the tease the words were I'd nosh me the clue was anything for a good time was of course hedonism
41:44Okay time for our final letters game John Judy Dane your turn to pick
41:58I think John might have to take the lead on picking the letters
42:10These two are getting on really well
42:14Consonant please Rachel
42:16Thanks John
42:17Oh my god
42:18T
42:19Vowel
42:20A
42:21Consonant please
42:22F
42:23Consonant please
42:24S
42:25Vowel please
42:26E
42:28Consonant please
42:29L
42:30Vowel please
42:31A
42:32Consonant please
42:34D
42:35D
42:36And another vowel please
42:37D
42:38And another vowel please
42:39Last one
42:40I
42:41Actually I'm bored of the clock music I might change it up if that's alright with everyone
42:45Okay and your time starts now
42:47We'll see you now
43:17I
43:23Okay John how many?
43:24Tengo un seis
43:25Gracias
43:29Sorry?
43:30Tengo un seis, Jimmy
43:31What's up with your voice, John?
43:32Ahora hablo español, Mr. Carl
43:36I have no idea what you're saying
43:38La gente solo piensa
43:40John Richardson
43:42Mirenlo con su little cardigan
43:44Y su estúpida big boy
43:46Y mucho más de lo que parece
43:48Estoy harto de que la gente bromee
43:50Diciendo que soy una especie de virgin rat boy
43:53Y una última cosa que me gustaría admitir
43:56Es que realmente me gustan los chocolate hobnobs
43:59Gracias
44:00So we are having some technical difficulties
44:02I'll try and swap it back to your normal voice
44:06I think that's it, try that
44:07Hello
44:10John how many?
44:11Er, six
44:12Okay
44:14Dane how many?
44:15Five
44:16Judy how many?
44:17Six
44:18Okay, Miles how many?
44:19Seven I think
44:20Oh damn
44:21Rob?
44:22Five
44:23Fine, what's your five?
44:24Fades
44:25Fades, okay
44:26Dane your five?
44:27False
44:28False, okay
44:29Judy
44:30Ladies
44:31John your six?
44:32Fasted
44:33Miles for the points, your seven
44:35Uh, dilates
44:37Yeah
44:38Oh
44:39Oh my man
44:40Oh
44:41Oh my man
44:42Oh
44:43Yeah
44:46Seven points for Miles
44:48Wow
44:49Strong
44:50Could they have done any better?
44:51No
44:52Nope, Lord Grantham absolutely nailed it, it's fantastic
44:54Well done, Lord Grantham
44:56Well done, Lord Grantham
44:59Okay, so Rob and Miles have 30
45:01John, Judy and Dane have 20
45:03Oh
45:06Okay, so it's a crucial countdown conundrum today
45:08You ready for this?
45:09Yeah
45:10Today's crucial countdown conundrum
45:11Your time starts now
45:12Pickiness
45:13Oh, how did you get that?
45:27That's it, daddy cool got it, I guess
45:30So the final scores are, everyone's got 30 points
45:33So the final scores are, everyone's got 30 points
45:36So the final scores are, everyone's got 30 points
45:38So the final scores are, everyone's got 30 points
45:41Everyone's got 30, it's a draw
45:43Everyone's a winner
45:46Congratulations, you are now all the owners of this
45:48The countdown dog bed
45:54Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
45:56And to all of you for watching at home
45:58That's it from us, goodnight
46:11The countdown
46:18各位 and all your confidence
46:20We're looking at the battle
46:21We got a half recording for the countdown
46:22We've got a half recording
46:23We've got the countdown
46:25We've got a half recording
46:26We've got a half recording
46:27We've got some from us
46:28And we've got a half recording
46:29There's a half recording
46:30There's a half recording
46:32You can also go there
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