- 6 days ago
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00:00Do my nails, cut my hair, I'm a brand new bitch
00:17Got my face in McClare, I'm a new look set
00:21Only place we can share, put you on the A-list
00:25Do my nails, cut my hair, I'm a brand new bitch
00:28Do my nails, cut my hair, I'm a brand new bitch
00:32Alright, is this the thing?
00:36I gotta say, I'm questioning this shit out of the whole move
00:39Uh, what are your concerns?
00:41Just the overall neutering of yourself, conforming purely for acceptance
00:45Is by this a word?
00:46It is, but it does not apply here, okay?
00:51Try to sell me on that or yourself?
00:54Do my nails, cut my hair, I'm a brand new bitch
00:58Well, it's definitely different
01:04Well, that was the whole point, right?
01:05I'm all for change, it's obviously needed, but maybe we're overcorrecting here
01:10Yeah
01:10Are you bumping on the shorts with the button-down?
01:12Because I can swap them out with white slacks
01:14No, that's not what I was saying at all
01:17So you're saying that it's the button-down then?
01:18Because I can switch out the button-down
01:19For this salmon polo
01:22Two salmons?
01:23And you bought all this for brunch with the Vanderbilt?
01:26Right, the way you're saying that makes it sound like it's nothing
01:28Randy Hoskis stuck his neck out to get us this invite
01:30And Zach Hoskis is gonna be there
01:33Oh, would you like to go now?
01:35Why? What's the point?
01:37Yeah, he's made it pretty clear that he wants nothing to do with her
01:39It went from texting all day, every day
01:41To total darkness
01:42It's like that
01:43Aw
01:44Maybe he's playing hard to get
01:45Don't forget, the kid's got fucking game
01:47Yes
01:47And you're convinced that you have to completely sell out to get them to like you?
01:51Hey, excuse me, we are not selling out
01:53The Vanderthals have a lot of sway at this school
01:56We can't afford to have them as enemies
01:58Okay, zero chance that's gonna work
02:00It's literally like putting lipstick on a pig
02:02Okay
02:03If we have any chance of patching things up with them
02:06The pig requires a little lipstick
02:08All right
02:09The pig needs a little more than that
02:11Mascara, blood
02:12Guys, guys, guys, can we stop saying the word pig?
02:13I think that the pig should just be proud to be a fucking pig
02:16Thank you, Isla
02:17But once again, I think there's a better analogy for this whole thing
02:19I don't
02:38All right, let's talk game plan
02:39I'm thinking classic divide and conquer
02:41I grease up Landon
02:42You play nice with Chanel
02:44Ooh, yes
02:45Done
02:46Kill her with kindness
02:47I will have that bitch wrapped around my finger in no time
02:50And then
02:51Once we smooth that over
02:53I go full court press on Zach
02:57There he is
02:58Hey
02:59Look at you, all dressed up
03:02You remember Mayumi
03:03Yes, of course
03:05Mayumi, ah, how you doing?
03:08And you must be Leanne
03:09Yes
03:10Hi
03:10Leanne, Randy, and Mayumi Hotchkiss
03:14Yeah, oh, it is so nice to meet you both
03:17Leanne, you are one lucky lady
03:19I was just saying to Yumi this morning
03:21Wait till you hang with Bert
03:23He is gonna blow your panties off
03:24Have you seen Landon and Chanel?
03:28No, we just got here
03:29Wait, are you sure it's cool we're here?
03:31Oh, absolutely
03:32I spoke to them
03:33Got them all lubed up
03:34All you gotta do is drill at home
03:35Something I get the feeling you're comfortable with, right?
03:38Am I off, Leanne?
03:42Come on, come on
03:42Okay
03:43I'll bring you to them
03:44Yes
03:54All right
04:14Let's play nice today, kids
04:16What do you say we start over?
04:18Bert and Leanne Kreischer
04:20Dr. Landon and Chanel Vanderthalm
04:22Hi
04:23Thank you both so much for having us
04:26Oh, it's our pleasure
04:26We really take pride in giving people second chances
04:29Oh, that is so generous
04:31And what a lovely home you have
04:33Oh, don't even get me started
04:34I want to redo every inch of it
04:36Oh, boy
04:36No, yeah, sure
04:38Yeah, I can see that
04:39What do you mean?
04:41Oh, no, I was just agreeing
04:43Let me start by saying
04:45First and foremost
04:46I was so wrong for the way I behaved
04:49I went way too far
04:51And that wasn't me
04:52It wasn't either of us
04:53Well, um, thank you for saying that
04:56No, thank you
04:57Honestly, I'm a little ashamed of some of the things I said
05:01Understandably
05:02Who am I to suggest that you couldn't orally pleasure him
05:05Because of all the lip injections you've had?
05:07I was wrong
05:07And for that, I apologize
05:09Yeah, apology accepted?
05:13And to imply that the work you've done on her face is anything less than perfection
05:17Was clearly said out of spite
05:19So, seriously
05:21Got it
05:21Letting it go
05:22Moving on
05:23Great
05:23Hey, you know what?
05:24Let's go grab a drink
05:25I'm sure there's plenty of movement on her face when you ejaculate onto it
05:27I was wrong to insinuate otherwise
05:32Okay, and good
05:34And we thank you for saying that as well, don't we?
05:37Uh-huh
05:38You know what?
05:38I, for one, am so glad that we were all able to just put that behind us
05:42Yes, us too
05:43Sooner the better
05:44Hey, hey
05:45Yeah
05:45Water under the bridge?
05:47Mm-hmm
05:47Okay
05:53Great
05:54Awesome
05:54Welcome to our home
05:55All right, gentlemen
06:01Here we go
06:02Thank you, thank you
06:03Yeah, thank you, sir
06:04Okay
06:05To new beginnings, huh?
06:07Hey
06:08There we go
06:09New beginnings
06:09You assholes starting without me
06:10Oh, well, we thought you were still parking cars out front
06:13Sorry, but we like to, uh, pepper a little racism in our humor
06:18You cool with that?
06:20Actually, no
06:20Yeah, I'm afraid I'll have to leave now
06:23You pull my car around, Capitola?
06:28Bert, Glenn Darvish
06:29Hey, it's good to meet you, man
06:30Yeah
06:31Glenn's the, uh, managing partner over at Stratum
06:33Yeah, he runs the
06:34It's the largest, right?
06:35Yeah, private commercial real estate debt fund
06:37Just in North America
06:39Oh, number two in Europe
06:41Private commercial real estate debt fund
06:43That's crazy
06:44I have a huge chunk of my new hour about that
06:46This fucking guy
06:48Hey, I swear to Christ
06:49Hey, that's some funny shit right there
06:52Right?
06:52I told you
06:53Is that the, uh, the kind of thing you bring to the table in a friendship?
06:57Yeah, I try to
06:58Huh
06:58Well, I love it
06:59Right?
07:00Yeah
07:00I told you, we had them all wrong
07:02Yeah, well, it might be that I'm, I'm not good at first impressions
07:05Oh, yeah
07:06Yeah
07:06No question
07:08There's definitely that
07:09100%
07:10No, no, no, but beyond that, uh, there's a different energy here, right?
07:14You guys feeling that?
07:15Yeah, yeah
07:15No, no, definitely
07:16Yeah, well, whatever it is, it's working
07:18Keep it up
07:21Yeah
07:22I'll, I'll definitely try to
07:24Good
07:24Wow
07:30This is your closet?
07:33Just for my purses and shoes
07:34Could you imagine if this was it?
07:37It was so gross
07:38It's so embarrassing
07:39It's so funny, I, I grew up in a trailer the same size as this
07:45What do you mean?
07:47Why is that funny?
07:48Oh
07:49No, um, not funny like a joke
07:51I was just commenting
07:53Commenting on what?
07:55Just, uh, the irony
07:57Hmm
07:58How is it ironic that my closet is the size of your child at home?
08:04Yeah
08:04Yeah, no, it's ironic so I didn't have the right word
08:08You know what, this is probably just me
08:10I'm, I'm overly sensitive to women not supporting other women
08:13So
08:14And that's when I made the decision to start working on myself
08:23Huh
08:24Dude, so inspiring
08:25Yeah
08:26It really is
08:27Glenn, you, you really feel the need to tack on like that?
08:30Yeah, no, that was unnecessary
08:31Completely
08:32No, but honestly though, uh, you know, change, it does start from the inside
08:35But there's no reason it can't find its way to the outside
08:37Oh, shit
08:38As a matter of fact, if I were to just get you down to the office
08:41Look, look at this
08:42Yeah, yeah
08:43There's no reason that I couldn't just look at that
08:45You see what that just did right there?
08:46Oh, dude
08:47Look at that
08:47See that?
08:47Oh, yeah
08:48See what I did right there?
08:49Bring that up just like that
08:51Yeah, well, yeah
08:51You should have seen the gals on me before I met this guy
08:53Uh-huh
08:54The maestro
08:55If true
08:55Oh, yeah
08:56I could also, if I may, get in there and just
08:58Oh, yeah, the bags?
08:59Get rid of those guys right there
09:00See what I did right there?
09:01Yes!
09:01Come on, feel that
09:02Feel the difference?
09:03See you like one more time
09:03It looks good?
09:04Oh, yeah
09:04It's the best
09:05What do you think?
09:06Should I have Tanya reach out, set an appointment?
09:08Maybe take a beat?
09:10Think it over?
09:10You want to take a beat?
09:11Take a beat
09:12Seriously?
09:13What's to think about?
09:14Hey, can you guys give me one second?
09:16I'll be right back, okay?
09:17Okay
09:17Just a phone call away
09:18They fucking love me
09:23I am killing it
09:24How you doing on your end?
09:25I don't know
09:26She's fucking brutal
09:28She reamed me her closet
09:29Yeah?
09:30Well, maybe it's you
09:30No, wait
09:31Well, you know how when you try too hard
09:32You get that sweaty energy?
09:34You're blaming me
09:35Like, I tried
09:36How is this my fault?
09:38Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh
09:39There's the kid
09:40Solo at the homeless station
09:42It's go time
09:43Wish me luck
09:44Hey, do you want me to come with you?
09:47What's up, fuck boy?
09:52What do you want?
09:54I stopped DMing her
09:55Buddy, relax
09:56You still chapped about her running at school?
09:59I mean, yeah
10:00Kind of
10:01I was just busting your
10:02I was just messing with you
10:05It was pretty extreme
10:07Okay
10:07I overreacted
10:09One day you're gonna be my age
10:10You're gonna understand
10:11Dude, it is tough when your daughter starts dating
10:14Especially a stud like you
10:16I felt threatened, bro
10:19I'm like a kid
10:22Dude, you're Zach fucking Hotchkiss
10:25You're handsome, athletic
10:27Think I noticed a little sense of humor in there
10:29If you want to date my daughter
10:32You have my blessing
10:35Are you fucking with me?
10:37No, I'm not fucking with you
10:38So what do you say we give it a go?
10:39You come by the house
10:40You hang out with Georgia
10:41See if that spark's still there
10:43And if it's not
10:44You walk away clean
10:45No questions asked
10:46Okay
10:49Yeah
10:49Saturday
10:51Yeah, let's lock you in for Saturday
10:53Actually, I'd feel more comfortable
10:55If we didn't lock it in
10:56Okay
10:57Just trying to keep things fluid
10:58That's all you get, that
10:59I fucking love fluidity
11:00So we'll put it on the calendar
11:02We'll try to keep it
11:03And if we gotta slide it
11:04We slide it
11:05Sound cool?
11:07I guess
11:07Yeah, so Saturday
11:08Yeah, unless something comes up
11:10No, no, yeah, obviously
11:11Unless stuff comes up
11:12But if it doesn't, it's Saturday
11:21That was fucking amazing
11:27I am really good at this
11:28Let me tell you something
11:29I told a joke at one point
11:31That wasn't even really a joke
11:32In structure
11:33It was basically a racist statement
11:35And they laughed so hard
11:37Honestly, at one moment
11:39I thought Landon wanted to blow me
11:40Wish I could say the same
11:42I can't say anything to this
11:43Fucking woman
11:44Without her just
11:45Jumping down my throat
11:46Can I give you a suggestion?
11:48What?
11:48Have you tried listening?
11:49Because it's working gangbusters for me
11:51And you don't even have to listen
11:52You just have to say you're listening
11:54And then make faces
11:55And say things back to them
11:56Like, um, how so?
11:57I did it with Randy the other day
11:59It was like a magic trick
12:00Why do I even care?
12:02These people suck
12:03At least one of us did his job
12:04You got Zach to come?
12:05No, he doesn't have testicles, baby
12:06That's why we're doing all of this
12:08No, to the house, dummy
12:09Oh
12:10You think I was asking
12:11If you got a boy to ejaculate
12:12At the Alma station?
12:13I don't know
12:14How am I supposed to know at this point?
12:15Yes, Zach is coming to the house
12:16On Saturday
12:17And dude doesn't stand a chance
12:18I'm pulling out all the toys
12:20I've said it before
12:21And you know this is true
12:22I could be a world-class pedophile
12:23If I wanted to be
12:24Oh, yes
12:25Yes, you said that
12:26I'm gonna put on a fucking clinic
12:27Lure him into my van
12:28Give him a little candy
12:29Drop his pants down to his ankles
12:31And hand him over to George
12:32Okay
12:32Your analogy's gone a little far
12:34But I like the overall concept
12:36What can I say?
12:37It's a gift
12:46So what?
12:48They bought your bullshit?
12:49Fucking ate it up
12:50Yeah, on the salmon polo?
12:51I got three separate compliments on it
12:53Thank you very much
12:54He's not kidding
12:54I witnessed it
12:55Wait, so that's all you had to do?
12:57Put on some fancy shirt and pants
12:59And now they like you?
13:00It's a little more nuanced than that, Isla
13:01The shirts opened the door
13:03But I had to walk through it
13:04You know what I mean?
13:05Not at all
13:06So how'd you do, Mom?
13:07She shut the fucking bed
13:08I got along with everyone
13:10You're the acquired taste
13:12Not with this crowd
13:13I don't get it
13:14But let's talk about the real victory here
13:16Zach motherfucking Hotchkiss
13:19Oh, no, Dad
13:20What did you do?
13:21Nothing
13:21I just hung out with him
13:22He's a really chill dude
13:23Mm-hmm
13:23And he likes you a lot
13:25Oh, yeah?
13:25Then why did he ghost me?
13:27I don't know
13:27I think he got scared, right, hon?
13:29Yeah, and he feels really bad about it
13:31Really bad
13:31No, he does
13:32As a matter of fact
13:33He feels so bad about it
13:34He wants to make it up to you
13:35Mm-hmm
13:36So he's coming over to the house on Saturday
13:38What?
13:40How'd you pull that off?
13:41You bribe him?
13:41No, I just
13:42I opened his eyes a little bit
13:44And then
13:45Got out of the damn way
13:46Wow
13:47Uh, I mean, thank you
13:50Hey
13:51That's what dads do
13:53Come on
14:01Georgia
14:02Georgia
14:04Have I ever told you
14:11I couldn't miss it for you
14:15It isn't easy
14:18I'm too big, babe
14:21I know I'm really trying
14:28I think I may start crying
14:33My heart can't wait another minute
14:38When you kiss me, I just gotta
14:42Kiss me, I just gotta
14:44Kiss me, I just gotta say
14:47Baby, I love me
14:50Come on, baby
14:52Baby, I love me
14:55Baby, baby, I love me
14:59Come on, baby
15:01Baby, I love me
15:04Move on, baby
15:05Baby, I love me
15:08Come on, baby
15:10Baby, I love me
15:12So?
15:15Is it working?
15:16Are you kidding?
15:17It's a fucking layup
15:18I just left them alone in the hot tub
15:20Wait, you left them alone?
15:22Yeah, that's the beauty of this
15:23I have never felt better about leaving two half-naked teenagers alone in a hot tub in my life
15:28That is nice
15:29Yeah
15:30Wait, are you bringing a beer?
15:32No, these are for me
15:33I'm celebrating
15:34I'm calling it right now
15:35This scrotal surgery might be the best thing that's ever happened to this family
15:38God, it is pretty great
15:40Yeah
15:40But I don't partner, we terrible
15:42For what?
15:43The whole thing
15:44Using your pedophile powers to persuade this boy with no scrotum to go out with our daughter just because we know we can't
15:49Don't tell me you're having second thoughts
15:51You want her to be happy, right?
15:53Well, of course
15:53Well, fucking look at her
15:54Have you ever seen her that happy?
15:56Right
15:56Oh, it's kind of based on you
15:59Based on what?
15:59Something other than sex?
16:01Is that so bad that they're going to get to know each other first?
16:03Well, no
16:04And then in a year or two when his sack is healed
16:07Then we can start talking about handjobs, maybe
16:10Okay
16:10Come on, guys, handjobs again
16:12Okay, hey, hey, hey
16:14Those are for Chanel, a peace offer
16:16And are you packaging them to look on me?
16:18Yes, I am
16:19And you're doing that one?
16:21A couple of them always get burnt, right?
16:23Genius
16:23Are you sure those are chocolate chips?
16:26They smell like something else
16:27What do they smell like?
16:29Uh, oh, I know
16:31Desperation
16:31Oh, fuck off
16:32I'm doing something nice
16:34With this bitch I can't stand
16:36Yeah, I think you're playing the Chanel thing all wrong
16:38Chanel's a brick wall
16:39What?
16:40She responds to strength
16:42Well, who didn't like chocolate chip cookies?
16:44No, no, I'm just saying
16:45I don't want you to panic
16:47And fuck this whole thing up for us
16:49Because I've got us in a really good place right now
16:51Well, since what have I ever been?
16:52I'm going to fuck something up
16:53Like ever
16:54Hold on
16:55Just because my fuck-ups are usually so big
16:57No one sees your fuck-ups
16:58Does not mean you don't fuck up
17:00I think you're kind of fucking up
17:02Hey guys, get closer in the hot tub
17:05Oh man, what are you doing here?
17:29It's Leigh-Anne actually
17:31And I just wanted to make up for the other day
17:34I felt really bad
17:36Yeah, I totally get that
17:37I just, uh, it's so silly
17:39I don't even remember what we're mad about
17:42Really?
17:42I do
17:43Right, well, I just thought that we could start fresh
17:48Like these cookies I made
17:50Oh, that's so thoughtful
17:52It's so cute that you took the time to bake them yourself
17:55Well, I bake with love
17:57And I just, I wanted to put that energy into this gift
18:01In a plastic container, sure
18:03Yeah, uh, right, sorry about that
18:06I just, I just transferred them right out of the oven
18:08Yeah, and who needs a cute box and a ribbon
18:10When you have old dirty Tupperware lying around
18:12I don't know, for me
18:17I feel like you lose some of that freshness
18:20When you don't have that seal
18:21Yeah, I get that
18:23But for me, there's a presentation aspect
18:25That's hard to completely ignore
18:27Sure, sure, but for me
18:29I'm more substance over style
18:31And at the end of the day
18:32It's about what's best for the baked good
18:35Yeah, understood
18:36But for me, it's more about the person you're gifting, right?
18:39And less about the stupid fucking cookies
18:41Yeah, definitely
18:46Yeah, but honestly so thoughtful
18:48There's no nuts, right?
18:52Oh, God, no
18:53No, no, no, I hate nuts
18:54Great
18:54Thanks, Linda
18:56It's leave
18:56Anne
18:58There we go
19:01And we have fire
19:03Now, uh, you guys need any sodas?
19:07Candies?
19:08Something else?
19:08What do you want?
19:09I mean, I'm good
19:11What about you, Zach?
19:13Actually, yeah
19:14Do you have any more red vines, bro?
19:16Dude, we have fucking red vines
19:17Isla, get every fucking red vine in there
19:19Isla
19:19Why do I have her?
19:21Because Zach is here, Isla
19:22Get it
19:23Go
19:24All right
19:25Temperature
19:26How we doing?
19:27Zach, are you cold?
19:28Do you want a blanket?
19:29That would be cool
19:29All right, fuck yeah
19:31Yeah
19:32Oh, I know a lot of parents have a no blanket policy for fear of what might happen underneath
19:38But not us
19:39We're chill, isn't that right, babe?
19:41Oh, yeah
19:41Yeah
19:42Whatever we just do
19:44Make yourself at home
19:45Have a good time
19:46Just have fun
19:46Relax
19:47It is pretty chill
19:49Yeah
19:50What did I tell you?
19:55You have a plan
19:56You execute the plan
19:57Oh, solid work
19:58We did it
20:00We did it
20:01Hey
20:02We did it
20:03Previously on Euphoria
20:03We did it
20:28We did it
20:41Bye
20:42Bye
20:56Bye
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