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00:00Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Rob, happy birthday to
00:23you.
00:30Thank you guys so much for celebrating me tonight.
00:34It means the world to me.
00:36But now, the entertainment part of the night, America's favorite party boy comedian, the
00:45genius Bert Kreischer.
00:50Thank you, thank you, it's so nice to celebrate Rob's birthday with you guys.
01:10I absolutely adore this man, he is one of the greatest guys I've ever-
01:13Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
01:20Do it again.
01:21Do what?
01:22The shirt thing, just put it back on, take it off again.
01:24You want me to do it again?
01:25Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:26It's my birthday.
01:27It's your birthday.
01:28Yeah, right?
01:29Who's with me?
01:30It wild!
01:31Who's with me?
01:32Who's with me?
01:33Who's with me?
01:34Okay.
01:35Huh?
01:36Whip that Politik, whip that fucking shrimp and take it off!
01:44Take it off!
01:46Take it off!
01:47Take it off!
01:48Take it off, take it off, take it off, take it off, take it off, take it off, take it off, take it off, take it off.
02:04It's all they wanted on. They flew me out here for this so I can take my shirt off 15 fucking times.
02:08I'll catch up with y'all in a second. I'll see you at drop-off brief. Hi, girl.
02:12Wait, are you even listening to me? What are you doing right now?
02:14I'm at a new parent orientation, Bert. This place is so incredible, especially the LD department. Isla is going to thrive here.
02:21This is what I'm talking about. I should be there with you guys, helping the girls get situated, partying with other dads and shit.
02:27No, it's okay. Really, I got it.
02:29And I'm missing it for this, to be a stripper for Rob Lowe.
02:32Hey, Dasha. Leanne. Are you sure we met at drop-off the other day? No?
02:37Did you just get dissed by another mom?
02:38Yeah, these bitches don't mess around. I hate to say it, honey, but we might have to up our game if we want to finish.
02:44Up our game? Oh, we are who we are, and we have to embrace that. If they don't like us for who we are, then fuck them.
02:50I don't know. Sometimes you've got to get along to get along, honey.
02:53But we've got to maintain our dignity, right?
02:55Pretty boy, you got one more shirt rip in you?
02:57Oh, Jesus Christ, this guy's insatiable.
02:59Yeah, sure thing, Rob. Give me one second. I'm just wrapping up.
03:01All right, I've got to go. I love you.
03:02Yeah, I... Hello?
03:05Man, thank you so much for coming up. You crushed it.
03:08Of course, dude. Happy to do it.
03:09Oh, my God. You are a funny, funny man.
03:13Did you take that shirt off? Oh, my God!
03:17How did you come up with it?
03:20The shirt?
03:21Yeah, yeah.
03:23Well, you know, I guess I'm more comfortable without a shirt.
03:29Why?
03:30Makes no sense, right?
03:32Here's what I'm wondering.
03:34What if you cut all the other stuff way down?
03:36You mean the jokes?
03:39The filler, yeah.
03:41I mean, is it really necessary?
03:43I mean, it's really just a race to get the shirt off, no?
03:47And then a race again to put it back on so you can take it off again?
03:51Yeah, I don't know if I ever looked at it like that.
03:53I mean, I don't know why you're not busting that motherfucker off 20 times a show.
03:58I don't know if my whole set could be that.
04:00Could it not?
04:01I mean, that's what's got them rolling in their seats.
04:03And you know why?
04:05Because it's universal.
04:08Shirtless fat guy.
04:10I mean, it transcends language, transcends culture.
04:14It's funny in China.
04:15It's funny in Indonesia.
04:17It's funny in a random mud hut in Mozambique.
04:20Yeah.
04:21Yeah, that's true.
04:22But I think people are coming to see me for more than me just taking my shirt off.
04:27Hmm, maybe.
04:28But I think you need to ask yourself, would they still come if you didn't?
04:36Anyway, food for thought.
04:37Let's go.
04:58Lion!
05:00Lion!
05:04Lion!
05:05Lion!
05:05Lion!
05:05I'm out!
05:06Lion!
05:06Lion!
05:06Lion!
05:06Lion!
05:07All right, girls, come on, get your stuff, let's go.
05:16Hey, what the fuck's going on here?
05:18Where are you guys going?
05:19Uh, we have school.
05:20Oh, wow.
05:21I heard Rob Lowe treated you like a piece of meat.
05:24He didn't treat me like a...
05:25Who told you that?
05:27Mom.
05:28Well, I didn't say it in so many words.
05:30I think I used more of like a dancing monkey analogy.
05:32Thanks, hon.
05:33You're not so upset about that, are you?
05:35I'm not upset, but I'm just in my head about it.
05:37It's like, he flew me out, we had drinks, he laughed hysterically.
05:41He says I'm his favorite comedian, but I don't think he knows I do stand-up comedy.
05:45Hey, hey, hey, don't let Rob Lowe get in your head.
05:48But is that how people see me?
05:49Is that why they come to my shows?
05:51You know what?
05:51You're spinning out.
05:52You just need to get out of your head, take a break, focus on something else.
05:57Like what?
05:58I don't know, anything.
05:59Like you guys?
05:59No.
06:00I mean, yeah, sure.
06:02Yeah.
06:02Hang on, that does make sense.
06:04When you think about it, there's a lot going on in this house.
06:07New school and stuff?
06:08Well, I don't know if that's the specific.
06:10No, when you're right, you're right.
06:11It's a good point.
06:12Here's what I can do.
06:13Get more hands-on with the family, right?
06:14Dump all this manic energy on you guys.
06:16Oh, what?
06:17Yeah.
06:17Wait, why do you look hot?
06:19I told you, I'm up in my game.
06:21We need to fit in at this school, okay?
06:24I'm going to get involved.
06:26We're going to make friends.
06:27We're all going to play nice.
06:28What's the fun in that?
06:29Do you want to learn how to read?
06:31Yeah, like ever.
06:34Wow, we're going there.
06:36I have a learning disability.
06:38Oh, here we go.
06:39And you guys are shaming me for it.
06:41What's the actual thing?
06:42Hey, hey, hey, we've got to tone that back and we've got to go.
06:45We don't want to be late for drop-off.
06:46Hold on.
06:47Can I do it?
06:48Let us leave.
06:49Please, I need this.
06:50Okay, I've got it.
06:52Look, you're exhausted.
06:53No, I want to go.
06:54Oh, you don't want me to go.
06:57You guys didn't even wake me up.
06:58You were going without me regardless.
07:00You think I'm going to fuck it up, don't you?
07:02I just don't want to mess up a good thing, you know?
07:04It's like with any relationship.
07:05You leave with your pissed off and then once you get in,
07:07you slowly reveal the ugly side.
07:10On the ugly side?
07:11Obviously.
07:12Guys, guys, what are we talking about right now?
07:14This is fucking drop-off.
07:16How can I fuck up drop-off?
07:17I'm sure I can find a way.
07:18Yeah, you'll figure it out.
07:19Stop it.
07:21I'm going.
07:21I'm doing drop-off.
07:22I can do this.
07:23I will do this.
07:25Can I please do this?
07:26Please, can I do drop-off?
07:27No.
07:27Please, come on, come on, come on.
07:29I should drive at this point.
07:30Give me the keys.
07:32No, no.
07:33Are you fucking serious?
07:35Do I need a shirt?
07:36Yes.
07:36Yes.
07:37Yeah, you need a shirt.
07:42Oh, wow.
07:43This school is fucking nice.
07:45Isla, how much is tuition?
07:47Mom told me not to tell you, so I can't.
07:48Sorry.
07:49Should I follow this around?
07:50Yeah.
07:51Oh, cool.
07:52There's a black kid.
07:53Oh, all right.
07:56Do I get out, or is this it?
07:57This is definitely it, Tash.
07:59Okay.
08:00I'm getting out.
08:11What's going on with her?
08:13Why is no one talking to her?
08:14Because she's a major loser and has no friends.
08:16Really?
08:17Mom didn't tell me about that.
08:19Oh, Mom.
08:20Bless her heart.
08:20She tries her best, but she doesn't have your fastball.
08:22No.
08:29The fuck?
08:33Who's this bitch?
08:34That's Kirsten Vandertal.
08:38Pretty much runs the joint.
08:41Miss Barkley, it's three years running.
08:43Sounds important.
08:45Who's the stud with her?
08:4612 o'clock.
08:47Zach Hodge Kiss.
08:50Model looks about personality.
08:51Total dead.
08:52Oh.
08:53They've been together since 6th grade.
08:54Hmm.
08:56Wow.
08:56Blowing right past her.
08:58Does anyone at this school know I'm her dad?
09:00Maybe I should take a lap.
09:01No, no.
09:02I don't think that'll move the needle at all.
09:04Is there any other dad here that's been on Kimmel six times?
09:07Look, obviously, I love your shit.
09:09I talk you up in every circle.
09:11But these kids, man, they live in a different world.
09:14Operate on different platforms.
09:15Okay.
09:16I'll call my agent.
09:17Get on a Twitch.
09:17Get on a live stream.
09:18Talk her up.
09:19Make her popular.
09:20Bob's your uncle.
09:20It's not that easy.
09:21Even if you could get on one, you'd have no idea what you're doing.
09:24It's a whole different animal.
09:25Please.
09:25You don't think I can handle it?
09:26I don't know.
09:27Say I didn't warn you.
09:28Okay.
09:28Hey, have a great day.
09:29I love you.
09:30I love you!
09:31I fucking love you!
09:33I fucking love you!
09:36Drop off successful.
09:40The Nappy Boy Radio Podcast.
09:43Live with your baby.
09:45Yep, yep, yep, yep.
09:48So have we started?
09:50Is this it?
09:52Is it streaming?
09:53Oh, yeah, for about 30 minutes now.
09:55For real?
09:56Oh, yeah.
09:56I appreciate you putting me on, man.
09:58You're really big over at Barclays Academy, where my daughter's at.
10:01Who's that?
10:02My daughter's just, we should probably talk a little bit about her.
10:04Oh, shit.
10:05I just got a text.
10:06Hold on, hold on.
10:06Georgia Chrysler.
10:07Hold on, yep.
10:08Send him in.
10:09Hey, send him in.
10:10We got a guest coming in.
10:12Hey, man.
10:14What's up with my boy?
10:15How you doing?
10:16How you doing?
10:17Absolutely.
10:17Hey, man, y'all already know Pac-Man up in these big for real, though.
10:23Hell, yeah.
10:25Pac- Pac-Man, you know Barclays, hell, yeah.
10:27How you doing?
10:27I'm a comedian.
10:27You know what I'm saying?
10:28Nice to meet you, brother.
10:29Big fan.
10:30I'm a huge fucking fan.
10:32You guys got kids?
10:34My daughter just transferred into Barclays, eighth grade.
10:37Cool.
10:37Remember those days?
10:38Good luck, my boy.
10:39Right.
10:40Walk right into handjobs.
10:41That's the way it starts.
10:45You know what I mean?
10:46I don't know about that.
10:48Can we edit this?
10:49No, this is live.
10:50This is live.
10:51Give me a second, because we got to switch gears.
10:52I got to ask him a question.
10:54Like, what's the shirt situation?
10:55God, it's so funny.
10:57I'm actually going through, like, a little bit of a questioning.
11:00I did a private party for Rob Lowe, and he just had me take my shirt off.
11:06Who the fuck is Rob Lowe?
11:08He's from San Almost Fire?
11:09I have no idea who the fuck that is, but do not listen to fucking Rob Lowe.
11:13Don't listen to Rob Lowe.
11:14Yeah, fucking Corey Feldman told me to stop doing cocaine.
11:16You think I did that?
11:17No, the fuck you talking about?
11:18What the fuck is wrong with you?
11:19Hey, but on the real, though, don't question that shit, bro.
11:22It's fucking gangsta.
11:23For real?
11:24Yes, bro.
11:25That's what I need to fucking hear.
11:26You ain't got no fucks to give.
11:28Zero fucks.
11:29Zero gang.
11:30No shirt gang.
11:31I fucking love it.
11:39I love it.
12:01Hi.
12:02Hi.
12:03Georgia, is it?
12:04Um, yeah.
12:05Kirsten Vanderthal, this is Cameron, Lexi, and Fiona.
12:08Hi.
12:09Some hot gossip going around about you.
12:12Word is you've never given a handjob.
12:14What?
12:15What are you talking about?
12:17Where'd you hear that?
12:18Oh, my God.
12:20Wait, she doesn't know.
12:23Know what?
12:25Handjobs in it.
12:28Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
12:31I don't think so, guys.
12:32That's too young.
12:33No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
12:34Jordan Chrysler, my daughter, does not jerk dudes off.
12:37I can promise you that.
12:38If someone broke into our house and was having a gun in my head,
12:41they're like, I'm going to kill every motherfucker in here
12:42unless someone give me a handjob.
12:44We're dead.
12:51Wow.
12:53There's a lot of rules.
12:54What is this, Mein Kampf?
12:56I know, but it's so good for them, especially Isla.
12:59They have this mindfulness mobility program
13:02where they teach them how to meditate.
13:04Isla, meditate in complete silence.
13:07Yes.
13:07Good luck with that.
13:09You went on a live stream and said,
13:11I've never given a handjob.
13:12Are you kidding me?
13:13Oh, boy.
13:14Well, you haven't, have you?
13:16That's not the point.
13:17Baby, it was a joke.
13:18Yeah, I think as a comedian,
13:19you should be free to go there.
13:20Painter's got to paint.
13:22Thank you, Isla.
13:22Okay.
13:23Well, I hope it was worth it,
13:24because Kirsten Vanchethal and all her little friends
13:26are crushing me about it.
13:27A lot of my friends are laughing about it, too.
13:29Really?
13:29It's playing with the younger crowd?
13:30Fuck yeah.
13:31Nice.
13:32Well, no, Vandertal is in the Vandertal Foundation,
13:35the Vandertal Equestrian Center.
13:37Yes.
13:37Yes.
13:38Yes.
13:39My life is over, okay?
13:41You think any guy's going to want to talk to me now?
13:43Well, it's actually not the worst thing in the world
13:44if guys are looking elsewhere for handjobs.
13:46This is such bullshit.
13:47Kirsten posted to fuck with me,
13:48and now everyone's sharing it.
13:50Wow.
13:50Wow.
13:51Thank you, Dad.
13:52Well, hang on.
13:53That's crossing a line.
13:54No, no, you crossed a line with your big, fat mouth.
13:59Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
14:00I think we're all crossing some lines here.
14:02No, babe, this is a clear violation
14:04of the school's cyberbullying policy.
14:06It says so right here in the handbook, huh?
14:08What do you think of big man?
14:09How should we fuck with her?
14:10Start an online campaign and turn all her friends against her
14:12and trash her reputation?
14:13No.
14:14No.
14:14Papa Mom Steyers.
14:15I like that.
14:16No, he's done enough.
14:17I can find out where she lived,
14:18and let's go TP your house.
14:19No, no, she's right.
14:20We've got to do something.
14:21Hila, stop encouraging him.
14:22Or, hey, hey, maybe we just leave it alone.
14:26Yeah.
14:26We don't want to rock the boat.
14:27The whole thing will probably just blow over.
14:29Since when has Bert Kreischer left anything alone?
14:31We're cutting his balls off here, guys.
14:32Hila.
14:33You don't even know what that means.
14:35So?
14:35OK, listen, please just stay out of it, OK?
14:38I'm begging you.
14:40The last time you got involved,
14:42you got us kicked out of the school.
14:43No.
14:43We didn't get kicked out.
14:45They asked us not to return.
14:46Very different.
14:46Well, after they threatened us with their lawyers and stuff.
14:48No, no, no, no.
14:49The family threatened us with lawyers.
14:50I remember.
14:51The school was totally fine.
14:52Not really.
14:53We had lawyers also.
14:54This is so what?
14:55Make the call.
14:57They're obviously too emotional,
14:58but not thinking clearly.
14:59Thank you, Hila.
15:00Wow.
15:00No, she's right.
15:01She's right.
15:02She's right.
15:02Yeah, she's right.
15:03I'm always right.
15:10You know what?
15:13We're going to play this one by the book.
15:15I'm going to call the school, get the principal,
15:17parents, kids, sit down, and we'll get that little shit
15:20to take that fucking post out.
15:21That's how we're doing it.
15:22No, no, no.
15:22Actually, you don't need to go in.
15:24Yeah, that's a pussy mess.
15:25No, that's not why I love it.
15:26Guys, they wrote the rules.
15:29All we're asking them to do is follow them.
15:34New science lab looks good, Miriam.
15:36Thanks to your generous donation.
15:38Oh, we feel beyond blessed to be able to give back in such a significant way.
15:42It's humbling.
15:42Oh, so humbling.
15:44And the tax write-off doesn't suck either.
15:46Oh, I bet.
15:47I totally do.
15:48I bet.
15:49Okay, let's get to it.
15:50I don't want to waste any more of Dr. Vanderthal's time.
15:52Yeah, we certainly don't want to delay someone's ass lift.
15:55He's joking.
15:58Well, thank you both for meeting with us.
16:02We wanted to talk to you because your daughter has maybe been approaching the line of what some
16:10might consider bullying.
16:12Might consider?
16:13Bullying?
16:14Please.
16:15Okay, let's call it what it is.
16:17I mean, if we're okay with it.
16:18And not write some rule in the handbook that we're not going to enforce because then,
16:21what are we saying then?
16:22Really, rules are just suggestions.
16:24And we get to pick which ones we give a fuck about and don't give a fuck about because,
16:26lady, I cannot give a fuck way quicker than I can get you to give a fuck.
16:31I can assure you, no one's okay with bullying, Mr. Kreischer.
16:34No, of course.
16:35No, he wasn't suggesting that.
16:36All I did was post a clip of my favorite comedian.
16:38Okay, how is that bullying?
16:40I'm having a hard time seeing that as well.
16:42Wait, I'm your favorite comedian?
16:43I was talking about T-Pain.
16:46T-Pain's not a comedian.
16:48Hold on, what are we doing here?
16:49This is bullshit.
16:50I'm wondering if there might be some sort of a compromise here.
16:54Compromise?
16:55Yeah.
16:56On rules?
16:57That's the whole point of a rule.
16:58If we don't follow the rules, then what kind of message are we sending to our children
17:01that if you're white and you donate a library and a Pilates studio that your daughter gets
17:05to do whatever the fuck she wants?
17:08His jokes just kill me.
17:09Um, Miriam, I'm feeling a little triggered by all the money-shaving.
17:13Yeah, it's pretty egregious.
17:14Is that a violation in the handbook?
17:16It might be.
17:17I'm starting to think I'm the only one that read the goddamn handbook.
17:20If I may, I think emotions are running a little hot and maybe we should take...
17:25Who the fuck's this guy?
17:26This is Dr. Jeff, our school therapist.
17:28Oh, sorry.
17:29He, uh, specializes in unhinged parents.
17:31Excuse me?
17:32What's up?
17:33Did you hear that?
17:34I missed it.
17:35The point is your daughter has unintentionally, I'm sure, humiliated Georgia.
17:43Hmm.
17:44Well, actually, I think your husband might have beat her to it when he talked about her waxing
17:48knobs on a podcast.
17:49No, I said she had never waxed a knob.
17:52That's what I said.
17:53And that is what I do.
17:54I'm a comedian.
17:55Well, you're not much of one with your shirt on anyway.
17:59No, seriously, it's a great gimmick.
18:01You know, so much easier than relying on something silly like Talon.
18:04Yeah.
18:05Oh.
18:06You're trying to bully me now.
18:08Swing away, sister.
18:10You've never seen skin this thick.
18:11Well, that's for sure.
18:12Was that a fat joke?
18:13No, no, no, no.
18:14I'm sure she didn't mean it like that, did you, Kirsten?
18:17No.
18:18No, your mom's right.
18:19I mean, I was just being honest.
18:21You know, I've literally never seen skin that thick on a person before.
18:24Like, ever in my life.
18:26I'm sorry.
18:27You think that I am his mom?
18:29Oh, okay.
18:30I'm a little lost on what the issue is.
18:32It seems like Kirsten simply posted something she found amusing.
18:36I don't see any reason why she has to take it down.
18:38Okay.
18:39I think we're done here.
18:40Yeah, we're definitely done here.
18:41I feel like this could have been an email.
18:43Let's go, sweetie.
18:44Bye.
18:45They're just gonna leave?
18:46Yeah, great job, Dad.
18:48You really sold that.
18:49That was really good.
18:51Oh, Georgia.
18:52Georgia.
18:53Georgia.
18:54You okay, Mr. Kreischer?
18:58Yeah.
18:59Gangbusters.
19:00It looked like Kirsten rattled you there a bit.
19:03Please.
19:04I don't get rattled by middle school girls, okay?
19:06Okay.
19:07Maybe I'm off.
19:08Yep.
19:09But if I'm not, my door is always open.
19:13I'm cool.
19:14I'll start therapy at 50.
19:15Well, I don't think it would be a terrible idea for you.
19:19So how did it go today, guys?
19:38Did you get Kirsten to take down that post?
19:41Not yet, Ayla.
19:42Not even close.
19:43He just made everything worse, actually.
19:45I haven't even been at the school, what, a week?
19:48and you've already managed to ruin my life, twice.
19:50You think you're the only one hurting?
19:52They called me fat, they trashed my career,
19:55and they insinuated that your mother was, what,
19:57in your mid to late 70s?
19:58Yep, something like that, those animals.
20:01Look, I really think that we just need to drop it
20:05and try not to draw any more attention to ourselves.
20:08I am all for that, as soon as we get
20:10little Miss Vanderkunt to come to her senses.
20:13And if she doesn't, what then?
20:15You gonna call her down to the headmaster's office again,
20:17make more of a joke of yourself?
20:18Maybe, maybe I will.
20:21You got some problems, dude.
20:22You need to talk to somebody.
20:24Work your shit out.
20:28They're all running a train on me in the principal's office,
20:30and it's all led by this prick plastic surgeon.
20:33Dude, you ever see a plastic surgeon's wife?
20:35Holy fucking shit.
20:36What a cheat code, you go to fucking school
20:38so you can marry a four and turn her into an eight?
20:40You ever see a guy who has a passion project
20:42like a truck he works on?
20:43That's his wife, you know this guy
20:45who's home and tinkers with her titties.
20:47It's not enough, just a little more.
20:49And tight fucking lips.
20:50I guarantee you, when she sucks his dick,
20:53tight lips, and a hallway of a throat.
20:55So, ah, ah, ah, ah.
20:57I think it's sad that she got that much work done.
21:00Because if you come in her face, there's no surprise.
21:02Just, no expression.
21:04I bet sex with him is like getting your ears pierced.
21:07You feel a little prick, and it's over.
21:08What is she, jerk him off like this?
21:10Just, just grab it and rub the top of it.
21:14Just staring at him with that dead picture.
21:18How can you tell if she consents during sex?
21:23She can't move her fucking face.
21:24Is it okay if I fuck you in the ass?
21:26Can I put a finger in your ass?
21:28I'm sitting in the principal's office
21:29with these two fucking cunts thinking,
21:31where's a school shooter when you need one?
21:33I'm sitting in the principal's office
21:34with these two fucking cunts thinking,
21:35where's a school shooter when you need one?
22:03Woo
22:22Woo
22:28Woo
22:28Woo
22:31Woo
22:33I'll see you next time.
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