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- 3 weeks ago
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TVTranscript
00:00Tumbling through an interdimensional vortex, Warren and Lucy discover twisted versions
00:06of their own world, always hoping the next one will be home.
00:12We're back!
00:14We're home!
00:15I can't believe we're home!
00:17Honey!
00:18Honey!
00:19Honey more!
00:20We're back!
00:21And there's no evil fridges, no octopus scams if-
00:23Wait, your mother's not home?
00:27AstroTurf?
00:29They stole my lawn as well?
00:31I just mowed that.
00:32Why would anybody want to steal my lawn?
00:34Dad!
00:35We're not back.
00:36Huh?
00:37And I'm pretty sure this is not our home.
00:39Eh, hiccup.
00:41Here we go again.
00:59Oh, it's like Mr. and Mrs. Vanilla have moved into our house.
01:14This is like a show home.
01:15Maybe Mum's selling the house.
01:16What?
01:17Our beautiful whare?
01:18She would never sell this whare.
01:19This is more than a house.
01:20This is more than a house.
01:21This is a home.
01:22I watched the All Blacks annihilate the Wallabies in the 2015 World Cup from that couch.
01:27Not that couch.
01:28Not that couch exactly, but there.
01:29And you, you took your first steps somewhere in this vicinity.
01:30Can't really remember.
01:31But we've made memories here.
01:32Great memories.
01:33You can't put a price on that.
01:34The asking price is $17 trillion.
01:35Okay.
01:36Maybe you can put a price on that.
01:37Maybe we should spread our wings and strike while the hāngi hāngi hāngi hāngi hāngi hāngi hāngi hāngi hāngi hāngi.
01:40Dad, I don't think this is our world.
01:41We have to get out of here.
01:42Oh.
01:44No.
01:45Oh.
01:46No.
01:47No.
01:48No.
01:49No.
01:50No.
01:51No.
01:52No.
01:53No.
01:54No.
01:55No.
01:56No.
01:57No.
01:58No.
01:59No.
02:00No.
02:01No.
02:02No.
02:03No.
02:04No.
02:05No.
02:06No.
02:07No.
02:08No.
02:09No vortex. We're trapped in Pastel City.
02:13Maybe there's no vortex because we're home and we're sitting on 17 trillion dollars.
02:18Yeah, but where's mum? Where's all our stuff? Where's all the people for that matter? Listen.
02:24Can't hear anything.
02:26Exactly. There's no traffic noise, no lawnmower, no Mr Jenkins over the back fence moaning to his wife about the boil on his...
02:33Yeah, yeah, he should probably get that checked out. Maybe they're all down at the mall spending their trillions of dollars.
02:38Dad, I really don't think this is our universe. Something's off.
02:41Okay. So how do we get the vortex open again then, Miss Smarty Pants?
02:45Well, when we defeated the fridges, the vortex opened. Then, when we helped each other win the game, the vortex opened.
02:52I think we need to work out whatever's happening to this world and sort that out.
03:00Can't find anything that needs sorting out loose. Even your room's tidy for once.
03:04Ugh! Why is there a picture of Ian and his family on our wall? And oh where, his wife is looking a little mannish.
03:11Dad, you can't say words like mannish anymore. Huh. Okay. Uh, maybe you can.
03:17Welcome, welcome. I'm Ian. Can I give you a tour of this charming little property?
03:22Ian!
03:23It's good to see you, my bro. Sorry, I didn't catch your name, friend.
03:27Hey, Ian Faye. It's me, Warren.
03:29I can see you're interested in this property.
03:31Warren.
03:32And it's a real steal at 17 trillion. Could probably even get it down to 16-5 if you play your cards right.
03:41Well, well, Ian. This is my whare.
03:43Whare?
03:44House. This is my house.
03:47That's the spirit. It's like you already live here.
03:52Bro, it's me, remember? We have Barbies here all the time.
03:56There is a generous barbecue area. The indoor-outdoor flow on this one is a beauty.
04:02Bro, we live here already.
04:05You live here.
04:07Yes!
04:08Yes!
04:16Dead. I don't think it's Ian.
04:18Poor Dad.
04:19Poor Dad.
04:20Poor Dad.
04:21I've never seen anyone do that before.
04:22Go, go, go, go, go, go!
04:23Poor Dad.
04:24Poor Dad.
04:25Poor Dad.
04:26Poor Dad.
04:27Poor Dad.
04:28Poor Dad.
04:29Poor Dad.
04:30Poor Dad.
04:31Poor Dad.
04:32Poor Dad.
04:33Welcome, friend.
04:34Three bedroom, two bathroom.
04:36Central very reluctant seller.
04:38What more can you ask?
04:39It's a picket fence haven in a primo location.
04:42TLC.
04:43Very reluctant seller at 28 trillion.
04:45This is a clone world?
04:47Maybe Ian's like Tim Urena Morrison.
04:49Nah, Ian's not Māori.
04:50No, Tim played all those clones in Star Wars.
04:52Oh, yeah.
04:53Tim was the man in Star Wars, was he?
04:56I'm just a simple Māori trying to make my way across the universe.
05:00Location, location, location.
05:02Indoor-outdoor clones.
05:04It's a buyer's market.
05:06Ah, maybe he was like Tim.
05:07We're not clones.
05:08They're robots.
05:09Achieve it!
05:14It's closed locally.
05:24They're like land patient androids.
05:26They're landroids.
05:27Catchy.
05:31Catchy smell fat.
05:33Smells like bread baking.
05:35Smells more like farts to me.
05:40No.
05:42Quick, let's get in the garden.
05:48We can't escape in a box.
05:49Well, not with that attitude we can't.
05:52Low maintenance garden.
05:54This property needs a little TLC.
05:5828 billion dollars.
06:02See?
06:03It's working.
06:04See?
06:05Told you.
06:12Do you have to make the sounds?
06:14If we're gonna be in a car, we need to think and act and sound like a car.
06:19Oh yeah?
06:20How do you know it's electric?
06:21My car.
06:22My rules.
06:24Oh, there's a gate.
06:27Oh, it's a toot to exit.
06:30Oh.
06:32Beep beep.
06:33That's not a horn.
06:34It's more like honk honk.
06:35What are you, a goose?
06:36It's like beep beep.
06:37Honk honk.
06:38Beep beep.
06:39Beep beep.
06:40Beep beep.
06:41Beep beep.
06:42Beep beep.
06:43Beep beep.
06:44Beep beep.
06:45Beep beep.
06:46Beep beep.
06:47Beep beep.
06:48Oh, God.
06:51Beep beep beep.
06:52Beep beep beep.
06:54Beep beep.
06:56They've got lasers.
06:57Quick.
06:58There's a button.
07:01I'm testing you shit.
07:02You've just stopped it going.
07:03Okay, what if you push it again?
07:04You can't.
07:05They're coming.
07:06They're coming.
07:07They're coming.
07:08They're coming.
07:09They're coming.
07:10They're coming.
07:11They're coming.
07:12They're coming.
07:13They're coming.
07:14They're coming.
07:15They're super sweet.
07:16They're out.
07:17They're out.
07:18They're out.
07:19Don't you ever leave your name and number in our visitor book.
07:22If you have any questions, feel free to reach out.
07:26Do leave us a review.
07:30That was intense.
07:31Like one ear is bad enough, but 50 of them with freaky laser?
07:34Whoa.
07:35What happened to the lower hut?
07:36Hey, wait, wait, wait.
07:37Is that cardboard?
07:38I guess we know where all the people went.
07:39It's a buyer's market.
07:40And here at Unreal Estate, we've got exclusive opportunities for discerning investors like
07:56you.
07:57Here's a rare chance to own property at a price that defies logic and basic economics.
08:02This starter home offers unlimited headroom and unrestricted natural lighting.
08:07The sky's the limit.
08:09For the buyer who wants something different, this home redefines modern angles, offering
08:14a fresh new perspective.
08:16Just move in and start living.
08:18You'll really dig this low maintenance treat.
08:21A cosy subterranean retreat offering open plan living that really thinks outside the box.
08:27Speaking of boxes, if you're struggling to get on the property ladder, don't worry.
08:31Our rental units are fully recyclable and partially waterproof.
08:36Price is so hot the fire department is on speed dial.
08:40In the state we don't sell homes.
08:43We sell a lifelong financial burden.
08:49Well, I used to make boats out of boxes when I was a kid, but this is next level.
08:57This whole city is made out of cardboard and sticky tape.
09:02What do they even do when it rains?
09:04There's so many questions.
09:06And I think I know where we can get some answers.
09:12Information, how can I-
09:14Warren, Lucy, is that really you?
09:17Why wouldn't it be us, Laurel?
09:19Cause you've been missing for like five years.
09:21Aunty Laurel, what are you doing here?
09:23Information.
09:24It says it on the-
09:25Do you want some?
09:26Yes.
09:27Where's my darling Henry Moore and is she okay?
09:29Yeah.
09:31Well-
09:32Well, what's wrong?
09:33Has she found someone else?
09:34No, no, no.
09:35Nothing like that.
09:36She's just-
09:37Well-
09:43Warren?
09:44Lucy?
09:45Mum?
09:47Babe?
09:51Mum?
09:52Where have you guys been?
09:55It was a vortex, wasn't it?
09:57Mum, you look so cool.
10:01I talk wakua.
10:03Kia ora.
10:04Yeah, like the cross punk.
10:05Community's really been there for me these last five years.
10:07You know, they've really helped me through my grief.
10:15Get a box, you guys.
10:18Yeah, there's something different about you.
10:21Kinda like kissing your sister.
10:23You kissed your own sister.
10:24I'll give you three some privacy.
10:25No, um, what I'm trying to get at, uh, is, uh, it's really great to see you, Henry Moore.
10:34Aye.
10:35Safeties.
10:36Come on, let's get you two home.
10:40Henry Moore, I have one really important question.
10:44Is that like a hairstyle or did you just sleep on it funny?
10:46Uh, it's a skullet because it's a skull and a mullet.
10:50Here we are, whanau.
10:55Have you seen your home?
10:57This is our whare?
10:58Mm-hmm.
11:00Must be cheap ass.
11:01Yeah, it's only like five mil a month.
11:04Warren, I thought that was you, mate. Good to see ya.
11:06You know, we dredged the entire Hutt River looking for your body, mate, and it took bloody ages.
11:11Of course you live next door.
11:13Yeah, I've got the, uh, premier smug double empress fridge megabox here, mate.
11:16I'll tell you what, she's quite roomy.
11:18You, uh, moving back in with the missus, are you?
11:20Mm-hmm.
11:21Might be a tight squeeze in there, mate.
11:23I guess this means you're off the market now, does it, Hino?
11:26I told you, Phil, I am not interested.
11:28Yeah, I'm not either.
11:29You hit on my wife, Phil.
11:30Well, you weren't here, mate. What am I supposed to do?
11:33It had only been a week.
11:34Eight days.
11:36Oh, get you, eh?
11:37Relax.
11:38Okay, I'm not interested anymore.
11:39Ever since you got that skullet to match your millet.
11:42Well, at least I'm not wearing a toupee.
11:45This is a weave, my friend, is it?
11:47Alright, this is a Wellington working man's weave.
11:49I'm sorry, an opposite toupee.
11:50Yeah, that's what it is.
11:51An opposite toupee.
11:52Oh, you're throwing babs at me, mate.
11:53You're throwing babs at me.
11:55We can do this every day.
11:56We can do it on Sundays, mate.
11:57Come on, man.
11:58Warren!
11:59Hey!
12:00Hey!
12:01How are you?
12:02I'm good, bro. How are you?
12:03Good.
12:04Hey, guess what?
12:05I'm on a cycling team called the Cardboard Cyclists.
12:08And we train every day except when it's raining.
12:10You know why?
12:11Because then it gets too mushy.
12:12What are you?
12:13Ha!
12:14Oh!
12:15Oh, gee!
12:16Oh, Warren!
12:17Oh, you're back!
12:18You're back!
12:19You're back!
12:20Nope.
12:21So you weren't abducted by aliens?
12:22Nope.
12:23I want you to give me some respect.
12:24Earn respect, mate.
12:25Stop it!
12:26You're acting like children!
12:27Fears.
12:28Fears.
12:29Fears.
12:30We should be fighting each other.
12:31We should be fighting those who put us here in the first place!
12:35We need to stand up to our evil overlords and their minion clones!
12:40Who owns all the properties around here?
12:42Who's the bad guy, the Darth Vader?
12:44Is it Jeff Bezos?
12:45Elon Musk?
12:46Worse.
12:47Mrs. Schrodinger.
12:48As in, Mrs. Schrodinger, our next door neighbour?
12:53Why don't we just bail her up?
12:56Well, what do you expect us to do?
12:58Just walk up to her house and say,
13:00Hey!
13:01Give us our houses back!
13:02You mean, old...
13:03Hey!
13:04Give us our houses back!
13:06No one's answering.
13:09How do you think Tim got paid for every single clone that he played
13:13or was it just a flat fee for them all?
13:15I reckon there's a way, easier way to get in here.
13:20Follow me.
13:27Watch it, Len.
13:28You have to do this safely.
13:30Are you watching?
13:35Look out.
13:40Oh, my side.
13:45What?
13:46There are lasers.
13:50Lasers?
13:54Lasers?
13:55Lucy, there's definitely no lasers, okay?
13:57Oh, how can I see that?
14:04Watch out!
14:05There seems to be some kind of advanced laser defence system I can't see for some reason.
14:08Yeah.
14:09You stay there.
14:13I've got this.
14:15Be careful, Lucy.
14:16I can't see.
14:25Wait, cat, no...
14:34Drop the cat immediately.
14:36You have 20 seconds to comply.
14:37to comply. Take us to Miss Schrodinger or the cat gets it. Who the hell's this Jeeps?
14:52I managed to catch her before she got fully lasered. Oh thank you dear girl. Jeeps how
15:00many times do I have to tell you to not let the cat out when the deadly laser beams are
15:06debated. Bad robot. Very naughty. Mummy mad. My name's Lucy and this is my father Warren
15:18and there's something... Jeeps! Let the girl talk. Carry on Lily. Thank you. You own our
15:28old house. You own our old whole neighbourhood actually and good for you. But did you know
15:35that the houses are completely empty now? No one can afford to live in them. But don't
15:39blame me for house prices young lady. It's the market. We all have to tighten our bills.
15:47But... But nothing. I'm sick of this. I got where I am today. By hard right. In a small
15:59six trillion dollar loan from my family. There's nothing to stop you work shy slobs from doing
16:05the same. Except that we don't have six trillion dollars lady. And we're not work shy slobs.
16:10Yeah. We work hard. We're police officers, teachers. And we still can't afford to have a roof over
16:16our heads. We live in boxes. You live in what? Cardboard boxes. That is disgusting. I'm gonna fix
16:28this right away. Jeeps, bring me the telephone.
16:35Dead! What? The chase is on. I haven't seen it for ages. What's this chase? Oh, you'd love it. It's a game show about money and that Bradley Walsh. Look at him. Look. He's cracking up at a rude word. Classic Bradley. Bradley Walsh
16:46I love it. Bradley Walsh just say. I thought by getting her to fix the problem the vortex would open. I've got the fridges. Oh. Maybe we have to tell everybody in Cardboard City that we saved a day. Who?
17:05Oh. Mrs. Schrodinger was actually kind of nice. I don't know what they're all talking about. Oh. Dad, she burned the town out. Oh, we didn't save the day at all, did we?
17:22I believe it. The whole town burned down. And they're gone. Cardboard is a really bad material to build a town out of. Poor mum.
17:34Oh, my God. I can see her. So, goodnight. I can still see her face. Even with that stink-ass haircut and those stupid ripped jeans. She was so beautiful to me. I can even still hear her voice calling out to me on the wind.
17:53What in you, Zach? Anymore. Are you in heaven? Are you still alive?
18:00Ah, no thanks to you two. You know, we all survived. We have a very efficient fire drill system. Where is everyone?
18:09Oh, up there.
18:13Hey, guys! Guys!
18:15What happened?
18:18You told that old witch about us, didn't you?
18:21Maybe. Maybe? She sent those evil wild robots and they burnt down our whole town. Now I've got to cancel the tour to Cardboard. She said she was going to fix everything.
18:30Yeah, she fixed it all right. Look what they've done to Phil.
18:34Oh, so this is all your fault, Mallethead? Huh? I'm actually really sorry you lost your eyebrows, Phil. I mean, it must be really hard to show surprise now, but that definitely looks a lot like anger to me.
18:45Oh, it is anger, bro. And I'm ready to blow. I'll keep your hair on, sideshow Bob.
18:49Oh, you want to go? Yeah? Well, how's about we go downtown and I arrest you for what you did to my face?
18:54I'm going to take down your name. I'm going to take down your address. I'm going to take down your email, Harris.
18:59You want my email, do you? That's what I said. So, all lowercase, all one word, philisadick at gmail.com.
19:04Oh, you want us fast? What are you doing?
19:07You too. Cut it out.
19:09I'm chill, but he started it.
19:11He caused my face to look like a peeled grape.
19:13Stop it!
19:14We all lost our houses, hmm?
19:16We're sorry, Mum. We were just trying to help.
19:19Maybe we can go back and talk to her.
19:21I think you've done enough, Gil.
19:22Yeah, yeah, no, grapeface is right.
19:24Look, we listened to bloody Greta Thunberg here last time, and look where that got us.
19:27Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
19:29I'm actually really, really proud that my daughter tried her best to help all of you.
19:34Yeah, okay, so we didn't know that Mrs. Schrodinger was going to send her evil army of land droids,
19:38but, in the words of the great Wellington businessman, LV Martin,
19:43it's the pudding right that counts.
19:45So I say, we all go down to Mrs. Schrodinger's house and we burn it down!
19:48And we burn it down!
19:50No, no, no.
19:51We're going to do what I've always told Lucy to do.
19:55We're going to use our words.
19:57Yes.
20:08We demand to speak to Mrs. Schrodinger!
20:10Yeah!
20:11Yeah!
20:12I'm assuming your hair to pay your respects.
20:17What, they cremated her already?
20:20Well, it's only fair, she cremated our whole flippin' town!
20:24Almost cremated me too, just quietly, and I'm starting to feel a little woozy.
20:27What happened, bro?
20:28Her heart gave out, watching the chase.
20:32It was a very fast and exciting money round, and Bradley Walsh with his calmer Heather eyes.
20:37She'd never watched the show before.
20:39Sienna was too much for her soft little heart.
20:48Presentation initiated.
20:50Welcome to my will reading, and condolences upon your very great loss.
21:01Thank you for being here, whoever you are.
21:05While I'm sure you're in a state of deep despair.
21:09There will be a period of mourning of eight to nine months.
21:12But my affairs must be put in order.
21:17I leave my entire estate, all my money, houses, and land, to my darling Lucy.
21:28Huh?
21:29What?
21:30Lucy has shown me a kindness and a warmth my droid helpers have always lacked.
21:42I hope this goes without saying, but everyone gets their houses back!
21:46All I did was return her cat.
21:58It's kind of sad to think that was the only time anyone showed her any kindness.
22:01I guess kindness really can change the world.
22:07Yes, yes it can.
22:09It's so good to have you and Lucy at home again.
22:22Now you can join me in the cross punk community.
22:24I have to play you my new favorite song.
22:27I have to play you my new favorite song.
22:30Vortex!
22:44Vortex!
22:45Vortex!
22:47Vortex!
23:05Oooooookay?
23:07I'm not loving this at all.
23:09Yeah, nothing good ever happens at night.
23:11I've watched enough Stranger Things to know that this ends with something creepy.
23:17is that laurel boss what are you doing in the dark man wait are you on tinder again
23:22dad i think it's something creepy well tinder is full of creeps hey boss
23:47so
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