- 5 weeks ago
Dean Martin and Friends roast Jackie Gleason
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00:00The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel, in the entertainment
00:09capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.
00:12The glittering city of excitement and laughter provides the scintillating backdrop for tonight's
00:17star-studded roast.
00:18Ladies and gentlemen, from the Celebrity Room of the Grand Hotel, Dean Martin honors our
00:24Man of the Hour, Jackie Gleason, with tonight's guests, Phyllis Diller, Art Carney, Gene
00:34Kelly, Danny Thomas, Milton Berle, Audrey Meadows, Sid Caesar, Foster Brooks, Sheila McRae, Jane
00:48King, Nipsey Russell, Frank Gershon, and your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.
00:57And tonight's very special Man of the Hour, Jackie Gleason.
01:01Show me a guy who can eat, drink and be merry, and I'll show you a fat grinning drunk.
01:20Jackie, you do look beautiful.
01:28I won't say you're getting fat, but the June Taylor dancers could use your pants for a dressing
01:34room.
01:39I'd like to see Earl Shai paint him for $39.95.
01:43When he was born, the stork delivered him in a U-Haul.
01:56You've heard of support stockings?
02:00He wore a support diaper.
02:06He was born in Brooklyn, New York, in the poorest of neighborhoods, and I mean poor.
02:11Anyone who paid their rent on time was arrested for a suspicion of robbery.
02:21When Jackie went to school, he was a dropout.
02:25The floor caved in.
02:30The first nightclub Jackie ever played was a clam house in Atlantic City.
02:36Jackie had a very unusual act.
02:38Jackie cracked crabs to the tune of Claire de Lune.
02:45Then came Jackie's success on television.
02:49The honeymooners.
02:50On that show, Jackie had something special.
02:53Something magical.
02:54Something America couldn't wait to see every week.
02:57Art Carney.
02:58And for Art's performance on that show, the Television Academy gave Art an Emmy.
03:11Jackie, the way Art cared you, they should have given him a trust.
03:15Jackie Gleason now makes Florida's home and has endeared himself to all the people in Miami.
03:28Each New Year's Day, he allows the Orange Bowl Committee to use his body as a float.
03:33And right after the show tonight, Jackie is leaving for San Diego, where he will perform in a fundraising benefit at Sea World.
03:47Don't miss it.
03:48Shamu the whale is going to ride Jackie.
03:56Phyllis Diller is here for several reasons.
03:59She's a nice woman, a funny lady, and she keeps crows out of the room.
04:11Phyllis isn't much to look at.
04:13So let's bring her out with a great big round of pity.
04:18And here's a gal who always makes me laugh.
04:21The adorable Miss Phyllis Diller.
04:23Yes.
04:34Well, I can't tell you what a thrill it is to be here honoring the man from Flab.
04:43I first met Jackie in Florida when I was in Miami Beach in tears over BB.
04:48Not Raboza, my bra size.
04:56I wanted so much to get on television, so I auditioned for the June Taylor dancers.
05:00But Miss Taylor said that I needed alterations.
05:04My spirits were drooping, among other things.
05:13Jackie said he was looking for long-stemmed roses, and I had varicose vines.
05:18I heard he was looking for a sexy showgirl to come out and say,
05:26Away we go.
05:28I applied, and Jackie said, Go away.
05:33But I offered him my body, and he said, No thanks.
05:35I throw away my empties.
05:36Listen, Jackie.
05:37Audrey and Sheila are okay.
05:38But they aren't the kind of Alice that you needed.
05:39Sheila walking around in that $2 dress in the $65 permanent.
05:41No wonder the crammed has never had any kids.
05:42It might mess up her hair.
05:43And Audrey used to greet you at the door with that sweet, delicate, feminine voice of hers.
05:47Crying around.
05:48Sounded like she inhaled a clothespin.
05:49And Audrey used to greet you at the door with that sweet, delicate, feminine voice of hers.
05:54Crying around.
05:55Sounded like she inhaled a clothespin.
06:04And Audrey used to greet you at the door with that sweet, delicate, feminine voice of hers.
06:11Crying around.
06:13Sounded like she inhaled a clothespin.
06:16If the honeymooners ever come back, let me be your Alice, because I crave your body.
06:27But that's irrelevant.
06:28Oh, irrelevant.
06:29What I really mean is, I have the hots for your pots.
06:42You'd never think of food with me, only pure passion.
06:47See, I would satisfy you.
06:48To women, diller may be a killer.
06:51But to men, fillies a dilly.
06:54When we decided to roast Jackie Gleason, we invited all the great comedians.
07:09However, Milton Berle is here tonight because Derwood Kirby fell out.
07:15Ladies and gentlemen, my good pal, and I think the best in the world, Mr. Milton Berle.
07:29Dean, you are to comedy what Ernest Borgnine is to tap dancing.
07:43He's brilliant, this man.
07:47What a mind.
07:48He thinks Cicely Tyson is an Italian restaurant.
07:55This is the tough roast I've appeared on this last month.
08:00And you know, you do so many of these roasts, you run out of things to say.
08:04Like, tonight, I feel like George Gabor's next husband.
08:08I mean, I know what I'm supposed to do, but how do you make it interesting?
08:13This is really a great array of stars.
08:21I understand, by the way, that President Ford was supposed to fly in from Washington on Air Force One, but he couldn't remember the number of the plane.
08:36Henry Kissinger was supposed to be here, too.
08:38They looked all over, but they couldn't find him.
08:40He was home.
08:46Jackie, incidentally, the June Taylor dancers may be here a little later.
08:51The last we heard of them, they were on the Santa Ana freeway forming a flower.
09:01And your honor, Jackie, I'm sure it'll be potted.
09:08Look at this poor soul.
09:10He has more chins than you can find in a Chinese phone book.
09:16I got so much gas, I'm being followed by Arabs.
09:34Listen, you can't help it.
09:36On this day, it's nothing but winos and drunks.
09:39I never saw so much, look, I never saw much drinking in my life.
09:43And you know what would be funny?
09:45If Dino's the one who drives us all home.
09:53Now let me tell you Gleason's daily routine, because I live with him.
09:56Every morning he starts off with a pick-me-up.
09:59A crane comes and lifts him out of bed.
10:02After that, he has breakfast, coffee, and toast.
10:10He doesn't like orange juice, so he goes out and squeezes Anita Bryant.
10:14And he keeps telling me that that's the way he loses weight.
10:22But who wants Gleason to lose weight?
10:24Once you've seen a side of beef, it's hard to get used to a slice of ham.
10:29Gleason is out on the golf course, and I play golf with him.
10:38And I must admit, Jackie, he's a great golfer, ladies and gentlemen.
10:41But at times he has a tendency to hook his shots.
10:45I can't understand it, because Gleason just isn't built right for a hooker, you know.
10:54When the sun goes down, that's when Gleason really starts to live.
11:05He loves to party, loves to boost it up, loves to stay up all night.
11:09This man has seen dawn more than Tony Orlando.
11:30Ladies and gentlemen, my great comedian, and my good friend, Mr. Danny Thomas.
11:35Dearly beloved, we have gathered here this night.
11:52I am tonight absolutely thrilled witnessing this remarkable sight.
11:57Gleason being roasted, and Dean's already stewed.
12:01You know what an experience it is for me to stand between two men and watch them ferment?
12:18Friend, you have got to change your lifestyle, there's still time.
12:22Give up this life of sin, drunkenness, and gluttony.
12:27Those are three of the seven deadly sins.
12:31You're gonna wind up in hell.
12:34If you think you're being roasted up here, wait till they get you down there.
12:38You'll spend an eternity on a rotisserie.
12:41I guarantee you.
12:42Jackie, you won't be living a good life down there.
12:49The devil won't be giving you any booze, and as for romance, you'll only find one June Taylor dancer.
12:55And it'll be a guy.
12:56Big Jack, don't think me insensitive. I know your problems. I know the problems of man.
13:07You're torn between two faiths.
13:09You're a reformed Catholic and an Orthodox drunk.
13:12Go back to faith, hope, and charity.
13:20You remember those three broads you were running around with?
13:25And everything else failed, and you can't tell your troubles to a priest or a minister or a guru.
13:30Come to me.
13:32Tell me about your life, about the sin, about the drinking, and the women, and the wild parties.
13:37And invite me to one.
13:51Jackie, a lot of your friends and admirers couldn't be here tonight.
13:57Yes.
13:59So they sent some wires, and I'm going to read them to you.
14:04And here's the one that said,
14:07Dear Jackie, help!
14:10Sign your chair.
14:18Here's one from the American Society for the Preservation of Culture.
14:24Dear Mr. Gleeson, a great talent like yours should be preserved for posterity.
14:29We have prepared a time capsule to be open 1,000 years from now.
14:35Please report Tuesday and bring toothbrush and pajamas.
14:38Lucky to have on the dais or the dais, whichever you prefer tonight.
14:49Not one, but two Mrs. Ralph Cramdens in show business.
14:54It's not unusual for more than one person to have played the same role.
14:57Oh, no, no, no.
14:58For instance, there were six different Tarzans and eight different Lassies.
15:05Our next guest is that very versatile actress, Audrey Meadows, who played the first Mrs. Cramden, the fourth Tarzan, and the sixth Lassie.
15:15You know, I worked for Jackie for quite a few years, and you couldn't ask for a more generous, kind and understanding employer.
15:34Because if you did ask, he'd fire you.
15:42And it was Jackie who was the pioneer for women's lib.
15:45Most of you don't realize that long before Gloria Steinem and Betty Friedan, Jackie had the idea of having the first woman astronaut.
15:52It's true. Don't you remember every week he used to say to me,
15:55Alice, you're going to the moon.
15:57Now, let's talk about Jackie's movie accomplishments.
16:02Not the ones that he was in.
16:04The ones that he influenced.
16:06One day, he was floating on a raft in his swimming pool.
16:09And he rolled over, some guy saw him, the Poseidon Adventure.
16:18He rolled over on land, earthquake.
16:20As Reggie Van Gleeson, we saw the side of Jackie that was wild, raucous, drunk.
16:31A man so desperate for booze, that he once tried to squeeze the juice out of Scotch tape.
16:40And that's what he did for the average man.
16:42The shy, timid little character, always being pushed around by a cruel society.
16:47Jackie called him the poor soul.
16:50We call him the American taxpayer.
16:56The one that I loved best was Ralph.
17:00Plain old Ralph, the bus driver.
17:03Loud, belligerent, opinionated, filled with hatred.
17:06He was the Archie Bunker of the Stone Age.
17:13Yeah, Jackie was a screamer and a shouter.
17:15But I must say, he also had a very tender side.
17:20I remember the day that I was rushed to the hospital and I couldn't do the show.
17:25And as soon as Jackie heard that I was sick, he showed me what kind of a man he really was.
17:30He picked up the phone and he said a few words.
17:34A few words that will live in my memory forever.
17:38Do you remember what you said, Jackie?
17:40We hired Sheila McCray.
17:41So Jackie, in memory of those wonderful days, I have a few little gifts that I'd like to present to you.
17:54This, you may remember, is a book that you gave me when we first met.
17:59Entitled, 101 Ways to Fall to the Floor with Dignity.
18:04A rare 8x10 photograph of the Jackson 5 having their shoes shined by Lester Maddox.
18:15The unlisted and private phone number of Ozzie and Harriet.
18:21A contour whoopee cushion once sat on by Toadie Fields.
18:25A bottle of dandruff from the head of Telly Savalas.
18:32And last but not least, a five pound wedge of fachimari mozzarella.
18:40Baby, you are still the greatest.
18:56The man I'm about to introduce has won international acclaim for his starring role in...
19:06Ladies and gentlemen, my good buddy, Mr. Gene Kelly.
19:09I didn't come here this evening really to insult and ridicule my old friend, Jackie Gleason.
19:28He has too many other dear friends for that.
19:30Our association goes way back, but I guess it began very strongly in 1962.
19:45Jackie came up with an idea for a picture.
19:49The picture was called Gigo.
19:52Jackie's idea was...
19:56Jackie's idea was that he would play a mute.
20:00Now, he wanted to titillate our ears with such sparkling dialogue as...
20:07It was Gigo, because back in 1962, we had Panavision, VistaVision, and Todd A.O. Sound, but he wanted to make us sound.
20:21Jackie asked me to be the director of this visionary project.
20:31And I said, me?
20:33Attempt to direct this peerless, perky, pugnacious, proud pachyderm of prankery?
20:40Do I dare?
20:42Do I dare?
20:43I mean, do I dare?
20:45Don't look at me.
20:49I'm still working on that pretty, perky, porky, piggy stuff you just said.
20:57A hundred bucks says you can't say it again.
20:59But you mean the fearless, perky, pugnacious, proud pachyderm of prankery?
21:05I could say that, but it's not my can of peas.
21:16Well, I was about to say, before being interrupted by our Sicilian sauce...
21:20I took the job on Gigo, and we did the film in France, where Jackie behaved very well, contrary to everything you heard about tonight.
21:34He never guzzled on the set.
21:37Of course, between scenes, he'd slip out the back alley and siphon a wino, but...
21:42I know, but...
21:44So that's who stuck the rubber hose down my throat.
21:54Jackie, you're a great man, a fantastic artist.
21:58All the comedians rolled into one, but besides that, you're Irish.
22:02He's one of his favorite funny men.
22:16Mr. Nipsey Russell.
22:25For men who choose a life of booze, I have no sympathy at all.
22:29My sympathy lies with you sober guys.
22:32These drunks are having a ball.
22:40And Jackie Gleason is the greatest.
22:42He may never be as good as he once was, but he's as good once as he ever was.
22:51I'm here tonight to proclaim that Jackie is a libertarian.
22:56He fought for the minorities when we were not black and beautiful.
23:00We were just black and burly.
23:03I mean the days when you couldn't get in television.
23:06At least we couldn't.
23:07Bill Cartwright wasn't on television.
23:09Flip Wilson wasn't on television.
23:11Sanford didn't even know his son.
23:13You didn't even see a negro in the commercials.
23:20And I know darn well we got bad breath and dandruff.
23:29He's beautiful now, but at that time he was a perfect specimen of physical fatness.
23:33He had a belly so big that when he got a shoe shine he had to take the boot black's word for it.
23:43I leave you with one word.
23:45Mother Nature and Father Time can't get together it seems,
23:49because by the time we learn the game we're too old to make the team.
23:52Bless you.
24:04A few years ago our guest of honor became a real golf nut.
24:09To explain why he developed such a sudden interest in the game,
24:13Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jackie Gleason's personal caddy.
24:27Oh, fatty of the fairways.
24:34To tell the truth, I'm a little frightened.
24:37A thousand people out there and it's almost enough to scare the pants off me.
24:44Bring in another thousand.
24:47Oh, Mr. Martin, you Puerto Ricans have such a wonderful sense of humor.
25:04But I came here to talk about golf.
25:07When I first met Mr. Gleason, he was very inexperienced.
25:11He couldn't swing at all.
25:17Now we have a regular routine.
25:20Early in the morning, he picks me up where those in my profession wait for their clientele.
25:25It's one of the nicest caddy houses in Miami.
25:28Then we leave several hours later.
25:29And we go out to that big green thing with all the holes in it.
25:30And we go out to that big green thing with all the holes in it.
25:31And we go out to that big green thing with all the holes in it.
25:32And we go out to that big green thing with all the holes in it.
25:36Mr. Gleason has a little trouble seeing the ball because of his stomach.
25:37And we go out to that big green thing with all the holes in it.
25:42And we go out to that big green thing with all the holes in it.
25:43Mr. Gleason has a little trouble seeing the ball because of his stomach.
25:47Jackie Gleason on one side of me and Dean Martin on the other.
25:48And we go out to that big green thing with all the holes in it.
25:49And we go out to that big green thing with all the holes in it.
25:50Mr. Gleason has a little trouble seeing the ball because of his stomach.
26:04Mr. Gleason she had a lot worse than his head like these.
26:05We go out to that big green thing, here we go out to Rag Radio so it's the big green thing
26:06right here.
26:06What's going on?
26:07Mr. Gleason?
26:08Yeah.
26:09Judy?
26:10Farah P glyasing on one side of me and Dean Martin on the other.
26:29A little girl like me standing here with two biggies.
26:33I have the gift of darkness, Miss Sandy Hurt.
26:53Recently, Jackie has sought professional help by engaging the services of the world's foremost
27:02weight counsellor. We are fortunate to have that man with us tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
27:08Professor Ludwig von Gross.
27:20Could you tell us something about your background?
27:23Yes, I first studied nutrition for four years at Heidelberg, and I took my master's degrees
27:28after three years at Oxford. From there, I went for my doctorate at Harvard. And, uh, incidentally,
27:34that's where I met Dr. Henrik Kitchender. Where do you think he got his accent from, you know?
27:41Before he met me, he talked like Daniel Duck. Can you see him in front of the United Nations?
27:49Professor, may I ask you, in treating Mr. Gleason's eating problem,
27:58what was the first advice you gave him?
28:01I told him, never eat while you're taking a shower.
28:09The first thing, your lettuce goes limp.
28:11You can't imagine what it does for the mashed potatoes and the gravy,
28:14or whatever I say.
28:17Well, that's a very interesting thesis. How did you arrive at that?
28:22Well, one day I was taking a year, I was eating in the shower,
28:24and I was having a plate of soup.
28:27And I couldn't finish the soup. The quiche, the plate of soup kept overflowing.
28:30I kept on eating the soup, and it was overflowing, overflowing.
28:33Well, what did you do when it was overflowing?
28:34Well, what do you mean? What could I do? I called a plumber.
28:40Well, what would you do if your plate was overflowing?
28:42And besides, it was ruining the crease of my pants, you know?
28:45Ladies and gentlemen, here's another member of Jackie's TV family,
28:59Miss Sheila McRae.
29:01You know, being Jackie's TV wife, Alice, it was just marvelous.
29:13Being hugged and squeezed by him, it was much more important than you think.
29:18It was the beginning of violence on television.
29:20I was really lucky, though, to get to do Alice.
29:29Because at this time, although it's not generally known,
29:32some of the biggest stars in show business were auditioning for the part.
29:36For instance, Jackie told me that Jar Jar Gabor was dying to be Alice.
29:39And she looked at him and she said,
29:41Ralph, darling, I simply would adore being Mrs. Crumdum.
29:46I mean, Crumdum.
29:47Crumdum. I don't know what it is. I can't pronounce it.
29:50But whatever it is, I would adore it, darling.
29:56And I would never, never look at another man.
30:00I mean, the way you're built, I haven't finished looking at all of you.
30:10Now, even Carol Channing wanted to be Alice.
30:14Carol Channing is very elegant.
30:15And I saw the test that Carol made.
30:18She kept saying, Ralph, oh, yes, it's wonderful to be Alice.
30:23Yes.
30:27But, listen, he's so cheap.
30:30I kept telling him, I kept saying, Ralph,
30:34Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
30:37Yes.
30:38Yes.
30:39So what did you think he brought me?
30:41Two albums by Neil Diamond.
30:44Yes.
30:45You know, many people look up to our man of the hour, but none more than Art Carney, also known as Ed Norton.
31:03But then, when you work in a sewer, you look up to everybody.
31:11Ladies and gentlemen, a dear friend of our guest of honor, Mr. Ed Norton.
31:16Doesn't the gym look nice tonight?
31:36Thank you, Mr. Martin.
31:37It's nice to find a person of your heritage, sitting up.
31:52Blindos!
31:53Stop it!
31:53Stop it!
31:54Stop it!
31:56Stop it!
31:58Stop it!
32:00Stop it!
32:02Stop it!
32:04Stop it!
32:06Stop it!
32:07Stop it!
32:08Hey, Ralphie, baby, what's this Jackie Gleason stuff?
32:11This is Vegas.
32:12Pick a new name that fits you.
32:14Something like Howard Huge.
32:22Ralph, I understand they're supposed to roast you tonight.
32:25I don't know how they're ever going to fit you in the oven, frankly.
32:33What are they honoring you for, Ralph?
32:35Driver of the Year?
32:36With the black guys at this table, I figured it's got to have something to do with busing.
32:48Did you arrange for Nipsey to sit near the end of the table?
32:51I can move Russell next to the wino here.
32:52Then it'd be Nipsey and Tipsy.
32:53Good to see you again, my old pal Ralph.
32:54Ralph.
32:55Well, why did you have to leave town without even saying goodbye?
32:56Not even a word.
32:57Could've written a little farewell note and flushed it down the drain.
33:01It would've popped to me.
33:03It would've popped to me.
33:04It would've popped to me.
33:05I don't think.
33:10Yeah.
33:11goodbye. Not even a word. Could have written a little farewell note and flushed it down
33:17the drain. It would have popped to me. Now I'd like to proceed to my official capacity.
33:33Ralph Crampton, I'm here to pay homage to you as legally elected representative of royal
33:40order of the raccoons. Somebody walked into the room. I want to give you the old raccoon signal.
34:00Not that we get the old raccoon handshake.
34:02The old raccoon ain't what it used to be, Ralph. What'd you do? I'm at spade.
34:20Sheesh, what a doubt. Well then, it is getting late. In closing, I'd like to add a few words of my own.
34:27Ralph, your sudden disappearance caused great gloom in my bazoom.
34:43But the tides of emotion are turning. Our reunion tonight in this glorious tribute can only help
34:49to up my morale. And knowing how you feel about me, up yours too.
34:55Next guest is Frank Gorshin, who has the reputation of being a very talented impressionist. But his wife
35:19doesn't go along with that. She told me that on their honeymoon, Frank didn't make any impression
35:25on her at all.
35:30Ladies and gentlemen, here's a man of many voices and faces, Mr. Frank Gorshin.
35:36Ladies and gentlemen, Jackie Gleason started his career over 30 years ago by playing in amateur
35:50shows. He may end his career the same way by doing this one tonight.
35:54He's sometimes called the great one. The greatest star in the history of show business. Well, that's his
36:06opinion.
36:09He's not great.
36:11But there are a lot of great people who might object to you being called the great one.
36:16I mean, a great actor like Richard Burton.
36:19Friends, Nermans, alcoholics.
36:21I come to bury Gleason, not to praise him.
36:27The great one, indeed.
36:31Alexander the Great, Winston Churchill,
36:34Mark Antony, they were of the great ones, and I've played them all.
36:38How dare you place yourself on the same level as Alexander the Great,
36:42who took his army of 40,000 sleepless men, starving, destroyed the city of Thebes,
36:47conquered Persia, soon thereafter the world.
36:49What could you have done?
36:51You would have looked at your starving men and said,
36:53Pals, how about a little Chinese food?
36:57Another guy that might be upset is the greatest healer of them all,
37:05Burt Lancaster as Elmer Gantry.
37:08I shouldn't be laughing, Jackie, because you're a sinner, and that's serious business.
37:20I remember the first time I met Jackie Gleason was on the set of Elmer Gantry.
37:25I said, Jackie,
37:27what are we going to do about taking the devil's mind off of his evil work?
37:30You know what he said to me?
37:32Get him abroad.
37:39I said, repent, repent, you sinner.
37:41Now I'm talking to you, the devil inside of Jackie.
37:44I'm asking you to come out.
37:45I'm telling you to come out face to face with me.
37:47I want you to speak to me.
37:49I want to hear you.
37:50You, the devil inside of Jackie that makes him do all the evil things that he does.
37:54I dare you to show yourself.
37:55Tonight, we have with us the man responsible for the remarkable physical shape of our guest of honor.
38:19Ladies and gentlemen, one of Florida's leading medical authorities and Jackie's personal physician, Dr. Foster Brooks.
38:30I sit down and you talk.
38:43I sit down and you talk.
38:44Then when you're two, I get up and you sit down.
38:49Mr. Gleason here yet?
38:51As the, as the, as the, as the, as the, as the, as the, as the, as the singing nun just told you.
39:11Mr. Gleason here yet?
39:41A man who is a fic, a, a man who's a ficción, a lady called Butterball.
39:59Mr. Gleason.
40:01I say he's had many a turkey to prove it.
40:05Mr. Gleason.
40:11While it is true that Mr. Greaseball is a trifle overweight,
40:20a thorough examination of him this morning proved conclu-conclu-
40:27proved conclu-
40:29proved without a doubt.
40:41He is not, he is not a slob, he is not a pig, he is not fat, he is pregnant.
41:02You may ask, how can old Bubbly Belly here get with child?
41:11Great, the usual way.
41:17Dinner, dancing, a few drinks.
41:24He said, me have a, have a babe.
41:33Me, me have a babe.
41:35Have a child.
41:37I said, he said, that's inconceivable.
41:43That's inconceivable.
41:44I said, anything's possible nowadays.
41:53My wife had a Volkswagen.
41:56And she had a rat right out in front of the house.
42:06You are in a family way, I went on.
42:11He cried out, why, why me?
42:13Why, why me?
42:14I said, blame it on the Miami sun.
42:18You're running around in heat too long.
42:27There's one question still left unanswered.
42:30Who got this walrus of wit into trouble?
42:34Was it Audrey in the medals?
42:38Was Jane a little too keen on him?
42:44Or did Sheila McRae get him that McRae?
42:48That's not important.
42:54What matters is that the baby is born healthy.
42:58Then for big mama here, 1975 will be a good year.
43:05As it would be for any blimp.
43:07One of the things Jackie prides himself on is his wardrobe.
43:32He has always felt it's important to be in fashion no matter what the occasion.
43:38We'd like to show you just a small example of why Jackie Gleason is considered one of America's best dressed men.
43:45.
43:46.
43:55.
44:06.
44:10.
44:11Pound for pound, the funniest guy in the world,
44:37Mr. Jackie Gleason.
44:41Now, sweet it is.
45:06But I want to say something about you, pal.
45:08Now, you and I have simpatico.
45:11Dean and I have been on more floors than Johnson's wax.
45:15I know he's always telling jokes about me being drunk.
45:24He's never seen me drunk.
45:27He hasn't seen anything since 1947.
45:31Oh, and there he is, Danny Thomas.
45:38Danny has always preached religion to me.
45:43He was the first one to lead me to the promised land.
45:47One of the better massage parlors in Las Vegas.
45:54And my good old buddy, Nipsey Russell, you're gorgeous.
46:01Just think, if you were white, you could have been Sammy Davis Jr.
46:08And my good friend, Sid Caesar.
46:13You're still my television idol, next to John Cameron's Lizzy.
46:18And there's my boy, Gene Kelly.
46:25Where are you, Gene?
46:27Watching you tonight was as exciting as watching Marcus Welby give Phyllis Diller a physical.
46:33And Phyllis Diller, what a pleasure to see you again.
46:46I haven't seen you since the zoo parade was canceled.
46:54Phyllis is so skinny, she once walked by a pool room and they chalked her up.
47:01It is great to see you, Milton Berle, tonight.
47:12I've been Milton's friend for almost 30 years.
47:16And there are many reasons for that.
47:19Mostly bad luck.
47:22Then there's a South Foster Brooks.
47:29If they ever make my life into a movie, you play the lead.
47:40And it's good to see my old honeymooners group.
47:43How lovely.
47:44You look, Connie.
47:45Mmm.
47:46Oh.
47:47Art's really happy now.
47:51He fell in love in New York with a covered girl.
47:54She used to put tops on sewers.
47:56And I'm sure Art will not take Umbridge to anything I said.
48:06Because he doesn't know what the hell Umbridge means.
48:09And Audrey Meadows.
48:15I'm so happy for her.
48:18She married an airline executive.
48:21And she's doing a real charitable thing tonight.
48:25She's turning her check over to a minority group.
48:28The friends of Milton Berle.
48:38I'll never forget the day she said to me that she was so important to the show.
48:43That if I didn't give a $5,000 raise, she'd quit.
48:48Which brings me to Sheila McCray.
48:52As a matter of fact, Sheila looks so sexy tonight, I think I'll have her room sent up to mine.
49:04This evening has been as much fun as watching the Walton family sort cranberries.
49:23And there's an old saying that a man drinks to forget.
49:33And now that the evening is over, I'm heading straight for the bar.
49:40No!
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