- 2 weeks ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00hey Bobby I just finished reading the script thank God I told him you could
00:07read but I wasn't sure I had no idea how big my part was I'm the hero in the
00:14final scene I shoot down a helicopter in a tunnel it's crazy at this movie has
00:19like an 80 million dollar budget the last movie I was on it made me bring my
00:23own toilet paper yeah well I got your first check today and it's more money
00:28than you've ever made so you got to be careful with it you don't have to tell
00:32me a couple days ago I was close to having nothing I am going to invest
00:35responsibly I'm not about that they sell those
00:46hey sorry about that Bobby I had to custom fish tanks
00:58everything's gonna be alright
01:06everything's gonna be alright
01:09everything's gonna be alright
01:14you wanna be alright
01:16She got water.
01:17Oh, fight your hot dog.
01:19Fight your hot dog.
01:19You want to be all right.
01:21She got water.
01:31Hi, Joey.
01:32I'm Chris, the assistant director.
01:34Hey.
01:34Welcome to the first day of shooting.
01:36Your trailer is almost ready.
01:37Per your request, we have pimped it out in order to attract hot tail.
01:43When I left that message, I was not aware you were a woman.
01:47Not a problem.
01:48They're putting in a plasma TV.
01:50Your personal masseuse will be here at 3.
01:52We've got a Denver omelet on the way for you for breakfast.
01:55That's my favorite breakfast.
01:56How did you know?
01:57We called ahead, spoke to your management.
01:59We know all your favorite things.
02:00Does the personal masseuse know all my favorite things, too?
02:04He does not.
02:07Denver omelet, Mr. Tribbiani.
02:09Zach, what the hell are you doing here?
02:11I said I was friends with the star, and they gave me a job.
02:13I'm working in craft services.
02:15Hey, look, I'm starting out small, but who knows where it may lead.
02:17You ate half of this.
02:19Yeah, did you a favor.
02:20This tastes horrible.
02:26Joey Tribbiani.
02:28Benjamin Lockwood.
02:30Oh, God, I know you.
02:31I saw you do Shakespeare on Broadway when I was a kid.
02:34Oh, Twelfth Night?
02:36I don't remember the date, no.
02:37So, you're in this?
02:41Your movies get all these great reviews and awards?
02:44I am in a movie worthy of Benjamin Lockwood?
02:47No, you're in a movie that will allow Benjamin Lockwood to pay off his gambling debts and get
02:53his Oscar out of a pawn shop in Reseda.
02:56What part are you playing?
02:57Uh, Agent Wilson.
02:59Wow, that's a great part for you.
03:01Oh, groundbreaking, yes.
03:03FBI pulls me in for one more assignment, and I get to say no less than seven times,
03:09I'm getting too old for this crap.
03:12Wow, I think someone's gonna have another Oscar to pawn pretty soon, huh?
03:17Okay, we're going to start the table.
03:18Reed, Kenny's just showing up now.
03:21Who?
03:21Oh, well, Kenny plays the kid that Benjamin and I protect in the movie.
03:25You know, a bad form showing up late on the first day.
03:27Yeah.
03:28Hey, little guy.
03:31I'm Joey, and, uh, well, I'm the star of this movie.
03:34Now, you were a little late today.
03:36You know what happens to the boys who are late, don't you?
03:39They get their noses taken away, so...
03:41Oh, no, you did not just touch me.
03:46Okay, Kenny.
03:48Let's, uh, let's watch the attitude, all right?
03:51Now, the star sets the tone on the...
03:55Hey, get out of my chair, chump.
03:56Uh, okay, well, actually, this is my chair.
04:00Can you believe this, kid?
04:02Kenny wants the chair.
04:03Get out of the chair.
04:04But I'm the star of...
04:05No, I'm the star here.
04:06My last movie, The Littlest President, just opened at $40 million.
04:11So get out of my chair!
04:16For the love of God, get out of his chair.
04:18Okay, all right.
04:23Give me my nose back.
04:26So little kid kicked you out of your chair.
04:32Yeah, not only that, he took my parking spot.
04:35And he, and he caught in front of me in the food line.
04:37And he called you a doody head in front of everyone.
04:40See what I'm dealing with?
04:42First of all, it's totally unprofessional, okay?
04:45And second of all, it's not true.
04:47Hey, Gina, I...
04:51Oh!
04:52Hi, Joey.
04:53Hi, Alex.
04:54I haven't seen you since our night on the rooftop.
04:56Oh, yeah.
04:57Well, I'm not avoiding you, because you were, like, so romantic, I couldn't deal with it.
05:00Get over yourself.
05:03So that's your pretend date from the rooftop, huh?
05:05Oh, you're telling people?
05:06Oh, that's fun.
05:07I told my therapist.
05:08We were laughing so hard about it.
05:13He had to cancel his next appointment, because I wouldn't leave his office.
05:17Okay, guys, can you give me and Alex a second?
05:19Yeah, sure, yeah.
05:19I gotta show Zach my truck.
05:21He knows a tailor who can make me a leather suit in the same exact color.
05:25Come on.
05:25I'm just saying, the Oscars are coming up, and you don't want to look like a jackass.
05:31Okay, what was that with you and Joey?
05:33Something weird happened with us the other night.
05:35We were having this fake romantic thing, and it took a turn and got real for me, and...
05:41I kind of have feelings for him.
05:42Oh, no, Alex.
05:44You are not falling for Joey.
05:45I know.
05:46It's a bad idea.
05:47Plus, he's totally not my type.
05:48You're not his type.
05:49What's his type?
05:50Women he hasn't slept with yet.
05:54Joey, what am I supposed to do?
05:55Well, the easiest way to forget about a guy is to find another one.
05:59I know lots of guys.
06:00Huh?
06:00What's your type?
06:02Well, I like someone who's smart.
06:05Never mind.
06:07Hey, guys.
06:09What are you up to?
06:10Oh, we're just trying to find someone to set Alex up with.
06:12Oh, really?
06:12What kind of guy do you like?
06:14Well, I'd say someone around my age.
06:16Blonde-haired, blue-eyed, creative, smart.
06:19Well, I feel like I know someone to be perfect.
06:21Lived in the building, uh, was in an orchestra.
06:24That's my ex-husband.
06:25So, no?
06:32If you're willing to bend on the blonde thing, I would, uh...
06:36I'd throw my hat in the ring.
06:40I may be a simple man, but I know what love is.
06:43Joey?
06:50Hey, Mr. Lockwood.
06:51Ready to go?
06:52Oh, I'm ready to work, but our star Kenny is in his trailer with his management, debating
06:56whether or not to make number one before coming to the set.
06:58Why are you getting sick of waiting around for this kid?
07:01You're telling me?
07:02I am a serious actor.
07:03This little punk thinks that he can walk...
07:05Oh!
07:05There he is!
07:06A star!
07:08Prince Kenny, the big king, bear, zap, whoop!
07:12Listen, I was just listening to your rap album.
07:15Marvelous.
07:16Parents, Doobie Illin.
07:19That's very nice, Lockwood.
07:21It's actually Lockwood, but you know what?
07:23Even hearing you get the lock part right is a thrill I won't soon forget.
07:28Give me a piggyback.
07:30I'll be aboard, my prince!
07:32Giddy up!
07:33Ah!
07:34Brr!
07:35What the hell was that?
07:39That's someone who's been in this business a long time doing what it takes to get ahead.
07:43You got to do like him.
07:44You got to cozy up to the star, no matter what level you're on.
07:47No, no, no.
07:48I'm not getting sucked into the politics, okay?
07:49I'm about to work.
07:51Now, we're about to do the big hero scene.
07:52At the end of the day, that's what people will remember.
07:54Yeah, be your own man.
07:56Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go buy a shirt identical to Kenny's so I can start a conversation with him.
08:05That was fun for you, so give me $5.
08:08Oh!
08:09What?
08:10A bargain!
08:11All right, everybody.
08:12Joey's here.
08:12So, let's run the scene where Baxter, Wilson, and Ron get chased by the helicopter through the tunnel.
08:18The three of you have just run into the tunnel.
08:21Action!
08:22Hurry!
08:23Oh!
08:24Oh!
08:25I believe we made it out of there alive.
08:27I'm getting too old for this crap.
08:31Wait a minute.
08:33What's that sound?
08:34It's the damn chumper!
08:35Now I'm pissed.
08:37That Apache helicopter messed with the wrong cowboy.
08:40And cut!
08:42How was that?
08:42How was that look of Determination movie poster, right?
08:45Absolutely.
08:46I loved it.
08:47You know what?
08:47I was talking to Lockwood before, and I don't think Joey should be the hero.
08:51I think Lockwood should do it.
08:53Great idea.
08:54What?
08:54Hey, Cages, Lockwood's the hero?
08:57Uh, wait.
08:57Excuse me.
08:58I'm sorry.
08:59Policemen, firemen, our men in uniform.
09:02Those are the real heroes.
09:04Ah!
09:04What the hell?
09:05I'll give it a whirl.
09:07Okay.
09:08Hold on, hold on.
09:08You can't be the hero.
09:09It's in the script.
09:10I'm the hero.
09:11Well, look, the studio wants to keep the kid happy.
09:13He gets whatever he wants.
09:17Hey, what's going on?
09:19You said you didn't even care about this movie.
09:20Why would you try to take my stuff?
09:22I get paid by the day.
09:23The more lines I have, the more days I work.
09:24The sooner I can get my Oscar out of Hawk, and my Tony, and my Latin Grammy.
09:30I am huge in Argentina.
09:33Look, I don't care what you want the money for, all right?
09:35Stop messing with me.
09:36Listen, you're in way over your head, buddy.
09:39Don't quote Shakespeare to me.
09:41Alex Garrett.
09:49I think I may have found a guy to help you get over Joey.
09:52Now, is height important to you?
09:54I don't know.
09:54How tall is he?
09:55Oh, he's four.
09:56You need to keep looking.
09:59But you have such narrow taste.
10:01Where am I going to find guys that are such a specific type?
10:03Hey, Gina.
10:03Please hold.
10:04They're doing a History of Motown movie.
10:06So pull the headshots of all the black women that we represent between the ages of 50 and 60 who have singing experience.
10:12Hey, could I do that with all the blonde-haired, blue-eyed guys in their 20s and 30s that went to college?
10:18Hmm.
10:19A blonde man as Aretha Franklin.
10:25I like it.
10:33Hey.
10:34You're not going to believe this.
10:35That kid took away my scene.
10:37I'm not the hero in the movie anymore.
10:39Oh, that's too bad, Joey.
10:41Well, even if you're not a hero in the movie, you will always be a hero to me and my...
10:45Oh, I'm sorry.
10:48I thought I could get through it.
10:50I can't believe this.
10:52I'm losing lines.
10:53Lockwood's sabotaging me.
10:55I'm in big trouble.
10:56Well, it's just like when I was in the science fair at junior high.
10:58This other kid totally, like, bought gifts for the judges and vandalized my entry.
11:02Oh, yeah?
11:03Well, what'd you do?
11:04I confronted her, and then she beat the crap out of me.
11:08Okay, you know what?
11:09Zach was right.
11:10I got to suck up to the star.
11:11That's the only chance I have of getting my scene back.
11:13I'm going to compliment him, and...
11:15Oh, I'm going to laugh at everything he says.
11:17Joey, he's a little kid.
11:18Sounds to me like he doesn't need his butt kiss.
11:20He needs someone to give him a good spanking.
11:21Gina, I'm not going to spank the kid.
11:23Why not?
11:24Mom used to spank us all the time.
11:25We turned out great.
11:26Really?
11:27Who's my dad?
11:28I'm working on it!
11:40Hey.
11:41All right, so, uh, where's this guy you want me to meet?
11:45Actually, it's a whole group of guys.
11:47I found a bunch of actors who fit your type, so I set up an audition for a fake movie.
11:52I even wrote a script.
11:53Hmm.
11:56Alex's song, The Sexual Awakening of a Middle-Aged Divorcee?
12:02This is crazy.
12:03What kind of actors are going to show up for this?
12:05Are you kidding me?
12:06Actors will audition for anything.
12:07I had to turn down Kevin Bacon.
12:09Why?
12:09I love Kevin Bacon.
12:10No.
12:11He wanted to direct, and this film is my vision.
12:15Ooh, Kevin Bacon.
12:16Oh, I love this game.
12:19Um, let's see how many steps it takes to connect him to me.
12:23Uh, we did it on a boat.
12:28One!
12:31Well, let's go take these guys out.
12:33Okay.
12:35I'm a little nervous about this.
12:37Oh, no, you're gonna do great.
12:39Okay.
12:41Oh, my God, there's so many of them.
12:43How do I know who to pick?
12:45I don't know anything about them.
12:46I mean, they could be married or gay or...
12:48Okay, relax.
12:50I will help you.
12:51Okay.
12:54Okay, everybody, listen up.
12:56You guys have been very patient, and we appreciate it.
12:58Now, I don't want to offend anyone, but would all the gays get up against the wall?
13:03I had an experience in college.
13:05Wall!
13:06Hey, what happened here?
13:12Kenny threw a tantrum because the macaroni and cheese wasn't cheesy enough.
13:16I do not approve of what he did, but he's not wrong.
13:20Somebody should put that kid in his place.
13:23Oh, Kenny.
13:27Man, look at Lockwood over there sucking up.
13:29I got to get in on that.
13:32You're telling me, your dog vomited?
13:34Yeah.
13:34Ate its vomit?
13:35Uh-huh.
13:35And then vomited again?
13:38Yeah, it's my favorite story.
13:40And now it's mine, too.
13:44Yeah, but Fluffy got cancer.
13:46Two months later, you had to put him to sleep.
13:48Hey, you think it's funny my dog died?
14:00Oh, don't look at me that way.
14:02We're buddies.
14:03Are you kissing in my butt?
14:05Yes.
14:06Can I have my scene back, please?
14:07No, because I don't like you.
14:10And I don't think you should land the plane, either.
14:12New pages, Lockwood's landing the plane.
14:14No, I love that scene.
14:16Well, then treat it right.
14:18But it'd be played by a real actor.
14:21You know what I'm gonna do?
14:22I'm gonna go to that pawn shop and I'm gonna buy your Oscar
14:25and I'm gonna cut it in half.
14:28Come on.
14:29You can't just take away my scene.
14:31I can do whatever I want.
14:33You!
14:34Turn in your walkie.
14:35You're fired!
14:37No, no, this isn't right.
14:39Okay, look, the only reason you're acting like this
14:40is because no one told you you can't.
14:42You know what else no one told me I couldn't do?
14:44What?
14:45So these presses, that's your big old head.
14:48Don't do that.
14:51I'm not kidding.
14:54Okay, that's it.
14:55My sister was right.
14:57You need discipline.
15:02Quit it!
15:03Quit it!
15:04Quit it!
15:04Stop it!
15:05Stop it!
15:07Quit it!
15:08I'm not landing the plane, am I?
15:10Okay, let's review.
15:17If you are against the wall, you are either gay, married, wear tank tops, enjoy quoting Monty
15:23Python and the Holy Grail.
15:24You know she's a witch.
15:25She turned me into a newt!
15:26Separate those two!
15:28Now you're getting into it.
15:30Oh, I got one.
15:32What's up?
15:33What's up?
15:34Whoa!
15:38Now you're down to the last two.
15:40What was it going to be?
15:40Um, I don't know.
15:42I don't know what else to ask them.
15:44Gina!
15:45I've been looking all over for you.
15:48I gotta say, I was skeptical, but we've got a lot of good Aretha Franklins here.
15:54Actually, Bobby, um, my friend Alex was desperate to meet a guy, so I called in a bunch of clients
16:01and set up a fake audition.
16:02Well, for what it's worth, I slept with the one in the red shirt.
16:06Red shirt wall!
16:08Actually, just leave the room.
16:11The curls are so soft.
16:16Well, we have a winner.
16:17Go ask him out.
16:19No, no, no, I can't.
16:20I told you, I'm bad at that part.
16:21Can't you do it for me?
16:22No, Alex, as far as I'll go for you.
16:24If you're going to get over Joey, you are going to have to step it up.
16:27All right.
16:28Wish me luck.
16:31Hi.
16:32Listen, I have a confession to make.
16:34This isn't a real audition.
16:36Alex's song isn't a real movie.
16:38My friend set this up so that I could find a date, and, um, I'd like to offer you the part.
16:44This is kind of weird, but you seem nice.
16:46I'd go out with you.
16:47Really?
16:48You know, I knew something was up when I read the pages for this audition.
16:51I mean, should we go inside and do it, Alex?
16:53I don't know.
16:54I'm blonde and weird.
16:55Doesn't mean you can't do it.
16:56You're right.
16:56Let's do it.
16:57Hey, just because you can't pull it off, don't knock the writing, all right?
17:03Hey, Lisa.
17:03Hey, Paul.
17:10Joey.
17:13Very good career move back there, spanking the star.
17:16Listen, you know what?
17:16I think the director's mother's coming to the set.
17:18Maybe you should punch her in the face.
17:20Very funny.
17:21Very funny.
17:22At least I didn't suck up to that kid, okay?
17:23I may lose my job, but I still have my dignity.
17:26And I'll work again.
17:27Ah, that's the spirit.
17:28I'm sure our paths will cross.
17:30You know what?
17:30I'll tell you now what I'll tell you then.
17:32I like all the dipping sauces with my nuggets.
17:45Kenny.
17:47Joey.
17:48Okay, I think we should talk.
17:52I don't blame you if you're upset.
17:57I just think we should clear the air.
18:01Is he mad?
18:02I can't see his face from up here.
18:06Oh.
18:07Thanks.
18:08I was out of line.
18:09You busted me on it.
18:10I respect that.
18:12Hey, no problem, huh?
18:15Hey, Kenny!
18:16Huh?
18:18I see smiles.
18:19Why are there smiles?
18:21Turns out the kid respected me for disciplining him.
18:24You know what?
18:25You're a brave guy.
18:26And it'll make more sense if you land the plane.
18:29New pages!
18:30Joey's landing the plane!
18:34You should be the hero, too.
18:36New pages!
18:37Joey's landing...
18:37Daniel!
18:40Thanks, Kenny.
18:42You're all right.
18:43You too, Joe.
18:46Well, it should be, honey.
18:48I underestimated you.
18:50I didn't think you were savvy enough to play the game.
18:52But now it seems you've taken the game to a whole new level.
18:55That's right, Lockwood.
18:57It seems the student has become the pupil.
18:59Maybe I'll be okay.
19:13Hey, sexy.
19:16How was your date?
19:17Oh, it was so great.
19:19Thank you for finding this guy.
19:21He's so sweet and funny.
19:23And I didn't think about Joey once.
19:25Oh, I'm so happy for you.
19:26Oh, thank you.
19:27I knew this would work.
19:29And now I'm working on the audition scene for mine.
19:32Oh.
19:33That's disgusting.
19:34Oh, good.
19:35I didn't think it was clear.
19:38Hey, Gina, you want to...
19:40Hey, look at you, Alex.
19:42Were you on a date?
19:43Um, yeah, actually.
19:45Wow, lucky guy.
19:47You look beautiful.
19:48Wow, really?
19:51Jeez, Joey, that is so sweet.
19:53Alex.
19:54Stay out of it.
19:56Hey, you want to go grab dinner?
19:58Oh, no, no.
19:58It's not a good time.
19:59I'll come.
19:59I'm starving.
20:00Oh, did you just eat?
20:02No, this is my swan purse.
20:06All right, well, let's go.
20:07Okay.
20:08Alex, the wine's open.
20:10You coming back in?
20:11Oh, yeah.
20:13Hey, Steve.
20:17Come on!
20:22Is she okay?
20:23Did she talk to you about anything?
20:26Why?
20:27I think she had meat in her purse.
20:29Hey, Kenny.
20:37Wait up.
20:38I just want to say thanks for being so cool.
20:40And I got you a little gift.
20:43Oh.
20:44Your keys?
20:44You're giving me your truck?
20:46No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
20:48I was, uh...
20:49Oh, I was just going to give you that.
20:57That is priceless.
20:59Doesn't see my car.
21:01Portia on your left.
21:02Portia on your left!
21:29P
21:37Step number four
21:41Let's go to my right.
21:49Let's go to my right.
21:50Let's go to my right.
21:50I'll see you next time.
21:51Let's go to my right.
21:51Let's go to my right.
21:53And here is Mattie.
21:54Let's because I like my right.
21:55All right.
21:57And here is Mattie.
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