- 2 months ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Hey, what, what's up?
00:23I just totally screwed up my audition.
00:26You know how you talked about hearing a voice that makes you doubt yourself?
00:28That happened to me.
00:29Oh, no, oh, man, it's terrible.
00:31I know, I totally lost it.
00:34I'm never gonna get this.
00:35Stupid movie.
00:36Stupid script!
00:41Hey, nice toss, buddy.
00:46Got me right in the eye.
00:49See you later.
00:51Oh, oh, so, I gotta tell you,
00:53last night with Jenna was amazing.
00:55I totally lived up to the Joey name.
00:57So you're telling me you're not a virgin anymore?
00:59Ha, ha, not above the belt, I'm not.
01:07I don't know what that means.
01:09Um, so look, I have another shot with her tonight, but here's the thing.
01:12Her cousin Marcy's in town, so I thought the four of us could...
01:15No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not going on some double date.
01:18I got too much stuff going on, just leave me out.
01:19No, but Joey, come on.
01:20It's no big deal.
01:21I need you to be my sex partner.
01:23You're what?
01:24The guy who goes with you to the bar helps you get sex.
01:31It's called a wingman.
01:34Really?
01:35Yeah.
01:36I don't know, that sounds kind of gay.
01:37Okay, so Bobby finally found something I can do at work.
01:45I am going to be her hatchet man.
01:48She noticed how I enjoy confrontation, so I'm going to deliver all her bad news.
01:53Well, you do love giving bad news.
01:56But I'm kind of having a problem, because actors are so sensitive.
01:59How do you like to get bad news?
02:02Okay, all right, it's easy.
02:03Look, you just got to, uh, just butter them up first, you know?
02:06Say things like, um, they thought you were absolutely fabulous.
02:10They are huge fans of yours, but they're going in a different direction.
02:14Okay, I could do that.
02:16Yeah, okay, now I need you to help me.
02:17I need you to make sure Bobby gets me another audition for that Kevin Smith movie.
02:20Oh, actually, I just hit off the phone with Bobby about that.
02:22They, uh, thought you were absolutely fabulous.
02:26They did?
02:27They're huge fans.
02:29They are?
02:30But they're going in a different direction.
02:32Hey, don't give me my own speech.
02:36What else did Bobby say?
02:37I need a job.
02:39Sorry, Joey.
02:40You know, you're really cold right now.
02:42Unless you can make something happen for yourself, I don't know what to tell you.
02:50Uh.
02:50Hey, Zach.
03:00Hey, it's Joey.
03:02Oh, you're working?
03:02Oh, okay, I'll be quick.
03:03Listen, I do need you to set me up with Kevin Smith.
03:06No problem.
03:07I'll set it up for tonight.
03:09Oh, when the dude that plays Dr. House takes a call, it's fine.
03:14But I get the stink eye.
03:28Hello.
03:29Hello.
03:30So you ready for take two of our big romantic night?
03:33You know it.
03:33I don't mean to be forward, but if this goes well, maybe we'll have sex two days ago.
03:36Oh, okay.
03:43What?
03:43I don't know.
03:44Chocolate and roses.
03:46It's a little generic.
03:47I mean, what's next?
03:47A stupid stuffed bear?
03:49No.
03:59Oh, there he is.
04:01Let's get this double date started.
04:02Marcy, this is Michael.
04:04What?
04:05He's so cute.
04:07And he bought you flowers.
04:09Aww.
04:09Aww.
04:12I made you a necklace.
04:25No, no, no, no, no.
04:28Just one second.
04:29Michael, Michael.
04:31Hey, come on.
04:32I am this close with Jenna.
04:33She just doesn't want to leave her cousin alone.
04:35You're my uncle.
04:36I shouldn't have to work this hard for you to be my sex partner.
04:38Wingman!
04:40Whatever.
04:42Fine.
04:42All right, but I gotta go meet this director.
04:44Let's make this quick.
04:45All right.
04:48Hi.
04:49I'm Michael.
04:50Hi.
04:51You're my first date since I got out of the Army.
04:54Airborne!
04:54Hoo-ah!
04:55Ah, geez, great.
04:56Ha, ha, ha, ha.
04:59She's great.
05:00Oh.
05:04All right, look.
05:07I've thought about this, and I cannot accept being a one-night stand.
05:10So if you're going to romance me, then you're gonna need to understand what I'm about.
05:13So, here's the complete works of Edith Wharton,
05:16the love songs of Billie Holiday,
05:18and an episode of Judging Amy that really spoke to me.
05:23That's a lot of homework for a test I nailed two days ago.
05:31Wait a second.
05:32Are you already on another date?
05:35Not only that, he thinks I'm great.
05:38Wow, you are unbelievable.
05:40You've got a lot of work to do, my friend.
05:42Alex!
05:44Uh-oh.
05:46That candy had nuts in it.
05:47If you want to make out before my head gets this big,
05:50we better do it now.
06:05Hey, thanks so much for setting up this meeting.
06:07Ah, no problem, man.
06:11Makeup?
06:12You got a special lady in your life?
06:14No, that's mine.
06:15Come on, man, this is Hollywood.
06:17You got to look your best.
06:18I think we both man enough to admit we're wearing a little foundation right now.
06:23No?
06:23You got great skin.
06:26Oh, hey, puppy.
06:30I'm sorry about that.
06:32Is she bugging you?
06:33No, no, no.
06:34I love dogs.
06:35Oh, look at you.
06:36You're a little princess.
06:37Yes, you are a little princess.
06:39Yes, you are.
06:40You're the princess.
06:41You got something to say to make up?
06:45Oh.
06:46Here we go.
06:46Here we go, baby.
06:47We're almost there.
06:48I cannot believe you're hooking me up with Kevin Smith.
06:50Man, I got a good feeling about this.
06:52He's going to love you.
06:53Well, I'm just so excited to meet him.
06:55Me too?
06:56What?
06:57What?
06:57You don't know him?
06:58No, but he's good friends with Ben Affleck, and I love Ben Affleck.
07:02What?
07:02He's not going to talk to us.
07:04Of course he's going to talk to us.
07:05We're bringing him back his dog.
07:06We don't have his dog.
07:07I think we have his dog.
07:12All right, here we go.
07:13This is going to be the classic Hollywood story.
07:15He's going to love you, and great things are going to happen.
07:17All right, let's do this.
07:17Okay, let's do it, baby.
07:19Man, why did you let him go?
07:21Damn it, we got to get the dog back.
07:24Oh, I have all the days not to have meat on me.
07:28What the hell's going on here?
07:29Uh, my friend Joey here just returned your dog.
07:32You see, he was trying to pet it one last time.
07:34When you risk your life to save an animal, there's a real special bond.
07:37No, he risked his life, did he?
07:38Yep.
07:39Where'd you find her?
07:39In a knife factory.
07:44Wow.
07:45That is just the least convincing performance I've ever seen,
07:47and I've directed Ben Affleck.
07:52Look, I think I know what's going on here.
07:53He's stealing the director's dog,
07:55returning to his home,
07:55hoping that he'll give you an audition
07:57in his new movie, am I right?
07:58That's cool.
07:59Let's just cut to the chase.
08:00What part are you interested in?
08:02Uh, I prepared the role of Frankie.
08:04Frankie, huh?
08:05Yeah, I can kind of see you as a Frankie.
08:06But can you act?
08:07Let's find out.
08:08Come on in.
08:11Uh, listen, Mr. Smith,
08:12I can't thank you enough for this.
08:14You know what?
08:14It's totally cool.
08:15Don't thank me.
08:16I enjoy discovering new talent.
08:17So let's get rolling, shall we?
08:19I want you two to take your shirts off
08:21and start making out with each other.
08:28What?
08:30I'm just kidding.
08:35This is actually working.
08:37And thank God there's no little voice in my head
08:38messing me up.
08:39Oh, no, not again.
08:42No.
08:43Come on, sit or stand for this.
08:45Come on, just pick one.
08:47I will stand.
08:53You handled that well.
08:55No, he didn't.
08:56He's gonna fail.
08:57Oh, no.
08:58There's two voices now?
08:59Also, there's me.
09:02There's a French one?
09:04Nah, I'm the first one.
09:05I was just doing a voice.
09:06It's okay.
09:08It's okay.
09:08Just clear your head.
09:10You know what?
09:10You don't look so good, man.
09:11You want me to get you a drink or something?
09:13Yeah, actually, that would be great.
09:14What do you want?
09:15We got water, lemonade, I got Perrier.
09:17Take the water.
09:18What are you talking about?
09:19Take the lemonade.
09:21No, no, no.
09:22Take the Perrier.
09:26Stop it.
09:26Just stop it.
09:27I'm sorry.
09:28I gotta go.
09:29I gotta go.
09:33I'll take a diet slice.
09:36I can't believe this.
09:40I just screwed up the opportunity of a lifetime.
09:42I've been up for big parts before.
09:44Why am I hearing these voices now?
09:46Come on, man.
09:46Stop beating yourself up.
09:48So Kevin Smith is out.
09:49We just go to plan B.
09:50Check this out.
09:51I happen to know where Jeff Bridges gets his dry cleaning done.
09:54Oh, you're here.
09:59I spoke with Kevin Smith.
10:01He thinks you're absolutely fabulous.
10:02He's a huge fan.
10:04Okay, look, Gina, don't sugarcoat it, all right?
10:05I can take it.
10:06I'm a man.
10:07Oh, okay.
10:08Because your mascara kind of threw me.
10:11It's called man lash.
10:14Who's that?
10:15It's this guy that...
10:16Hey, Joey, Joey.
10:17I am so close to closing the deal with Jenna.
10:19So, tomorrow morning, the four of us are driving to Lake Havasu, okay?
10:23Jenna, Marcy, Joey, and Mike.
10:24No, no, no, no.
10:25I'm not going anywhere with Marcy.
10:27She gives me the creeps.
10:28That necklace she gave me was made of human hair.
10:31No, I'm not going.
10:32Hey, Joey.
10:33Hi, Gina.
10:34Um, listen, I have an early court date tomorrow,
10:36so if you have anything special planned tonight, then I...
10:38Oh, Alex, I haven't had time to look in the box of stuff yet.
10:40I'm sorry.
10:41You're not taking this very seriously, Joey.
10:43What are you talking about?
10:43I'm killing myself here.
10:45Yeah, well, you're going to have to work a little harder
10:46because it takes a lot to get me into bed.
10:48Does it?
10:49Does it?
10:50Huh?
10:51Because as I recall, all it took was a couple shots of tequila
10:53and me saying you look like a young Meg Ryan.
10:57Did you not really mean that?
10:58What kind of a monster are you?
11:01Damn, these snow peas look good.
11:02Y'all got a walk.
11:06No, I don't have a walk, okay?
11:08I can't deal with any of this right now.
11:10My career is falling apart.
11:12I'll be lucky if I get that Spanish soap opera.
11:14Oh, about that.
11:15They thought you were muy fabuloso.
11:17No, no, no more bad news from you, okay?
11:20I can't take it anymore.
11:22Alex, we had sex.
11:23I'm sorry.
11:24Deal with it, okay?
11:25Michael, you're never going to have sex.
11:28You're sorry.
11:29Deal with it, okay?
11:30You people fill my head with so many of your problems
11:34that I can't think straight.
11:37Oh, my God.
11:39That's why I hear the voices.
11:40It's you guys.
11:42You're driving me crazy.
11:44That's it.
11:45I'm out.
11:46That's it.
11:46I'm done.
11:47I'm going in my room.
11:47I don't talk to anybody.
11:48Michael, you can slide my afternoon sandwich under the door.
11:51Out.
11:51Out.
12:03Ichiban.
12:07Ichiban.
12:07Lipstick for men.
12:11Hey.
12:12I used to be so good.
12:14Ichiban.
12:14Because of my performance,
12:16this lipstick was a huge hit in Japan.
12:20Until they found out it was poison.
12:25You're still good.
12:26No, Gina.
12:27You didn't see me in those auditions.
12:29I've lost it.
12:30I can't do my job anymore.
12:32And you were right.
12:33It's because of us.
12:34We do ask too much of you.
12:36Oh, no.
12:37I don't really want to stop helping you guys.
12:39You're my family.
12:41Knowing that I'm needed by people who love me,
12:42that gives my life meaning.
12:45Wow.
12:47That was really gay.
12:51Look, I know you want to take care of us,
12:53and that's great.
12:54But you've got to take care of yourself, too.
12:56So figure out a way to put up with our crap
12:58and get yourself another job.
13:00I've tried.
13:01I can't.
13:02Oh, please.
13:02Remember when we were kids,
13:04and we saw Superman,
13:04and afterwards you thought that if you concentrated hard enough,
13:07you could actually jump off that roof and fly?
13:10I remember the paramedics laughing
13:11when they were cutting Mom's tights off me, too.
13:14Well, I've got to tell you,
13:18when you jumped off that roof,
13:19I thought it might actually work
13:20because I believe you can fly, Joey.
13:24To me, you'll always be that kid that can do anything.
13:26Yeah, I could still be that kid.
13:31And what would that kid do to get a job?
13:34He'd march right down to the studio
13:35and demand to audition again,
13:37whether they wanted him to or not.
13:38Yeah, he would.
13:39Yeah.
13:39Okay.
13:40Yeah, I'm going to do it.
13:41Okay.
13:42All right.
13:42Thanks, Gina.
13:43You're the best.
13:43The kid is back.
13:59All right.
14:02Hear me out.
14:02I know I blew it before with Kevin Smith,
14:05but I think I'm right for his movie,
14:06and I want to audition again.
14:07And there's nothing, nothing you can say to stop me.
14:09Kevin Smith?
14:10This isn't a Kevin Smith.
14:12I will stand, thank you.
14:13I will stand.
14:14Read me in.
14:18But, Mom, you promised you'd come to my soccer game.
14:21That was a bad batch of crystal meth, Holmes.
14:24I'm freaking out here, Hector.
14:27I'm sorry.
14:28I'm totally lost here.
14:29No, it isn't.
14:30It's your turn to die.
14:33I'll just keep doing this till you find a place.
14:39So, how long was it before you realized
14:45you were reading for the wrong movie?
14:46Well, I knew something was up
14:48when the kid scored the winning goal
14:49after I already killed him for screwing my wife.
14:53I got to tell you,
14:54they must have seen something they liked,
14:55because then they had me audition for real.
14:57I'm telling you, man,
14:58I really think you're going to get this part.
14:59Hey, you are here.
15:00Hey, hey.
15:01So, what's going on?
15:03I was just telling Zach about this audition.
15:05Yeah, about that.
15:06They actually called.
15:07They thought you were fabulous.
15:09Great, I knew it.
15:10And I bet they're huge fans.
15:12They really are.
15:13I bet they're going to go
15:14in a different direction, right?
15:15Okay, come on, just tell me.
15:16Who'd they cast?
15:17They're going with Joey Tribbiani.
15:19Oh.
15:21I hate that guy.
15:26Man, when you stop thinking,
15:27you really stop thinking.
15:30No, come on.
15:32You're messing with me.
15:33Who's this big?
15:34Bobby would have told me yourself.
15:36Hey!
15:36Hey!
15:37Whoa.
15:39Did you tell him yet?
15:40Oh, I'm sorry.
15:42I, I, there was a long line here,
15:44so I stopped by the bar next door.
15:48Are you, are you serious?
15:50Yes.
15:50Did I get this movie?
15:52You sure did.
15:54Congratulations.
15:55Whoa.
15:56I told you you could tell me.
15:58I am so proud of you, Joey.
16:00My sex partner's going to be a star.
16:01Yeah, he is.
16:03I'm going to be a movie star.
16:04Hey, everybody, drinks on me.
16:08That's a back room.
16:09I thought it was a mirror.
16:12Let's all share a bottle of wine.
16:24Joey, oh my God.
16:25Congratulations on your movie.
16:27That's so amazing.
16:29Thank you very much.
16:30Hey, listen, I'm sorry.
16:32I was being so pushy.
16:33Oh, no, no.
16:33I'm sorry.
16:34You know what?
16:34Let's just forget the whole time.
16:35Okay.
16:36Well, I got your message.
16:37So where are we all going to celebrate?
16:39Actually, that's not why I was calling you.
16:41I, I still owe you one romantic evening.
16:43No, no.
16:44Tonight is your big night.
16:45And this is how I want to spend it.
16:48Just you, me, and Mr. Billy Holiday.
16:51Well, Billy Holiday is a woman.
16:56Oh, that's why the guy on the CD was wearing a dress.
17:00I don't know.
17:02Anyway, should we, uh, head upstairs?
17:04Oh, to your room again?
17:06No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
17:07Come on.
17:07Follow me.
17:08Follow me.
17:08It's quarter to three
17:20There's no one in the place
17:24Except you and me
17:27Welcome to my roof deck.
17:34There you go.
17:35And no stupid red roses, either.
17:40Starlight lilacs.
17:41Those are my favorite.
17:43How did you even...
17:44Yeah, you mentioned those.
17:47I don't need a bunch of books or CDs
17:49to tell me who you are.
17:50I know you, Alex.
17:53Okay, Tribbiani.
17:56What else you got?
17:57Well, champagne and ding-dongs, my lady.
18:05Ding-dongs?
18:07I don't even really like...
18:09I hide them in my glove compartment
18:11to eat on the way home from the gym.
18:14And you park and suck on the wrappers
18:16and the windows get all fogged up.
18:17It's a little upsetting.
18:21So do you bring girls up here all the time?
18:23Actually, no.
18:24But you're worth the extra effort
18:26because you were right.
18:28You're not like those other girls.
18:30Because none of them could ever be as smart,
18:33funny, and as sweet as you are.
18:42But you know, there is one where you are
18:43like those other girls.
18:45No, no, no, no.
18:46It's a good one.
18:47You know, you don't think of yourself
18:50as spontaneous or passionate,
18:53but you're wrong.
18:56You are.
18:58Really?
19:00Really.
19:01And if the other night was a mistake,
19:04then, well, I wish I made mistakes
19:07like that more often.
19:10Yeah.
19:12Me too.
19:13At least once.
19:19Yeah.
19:23This may be crazy,
19:25and I know you have an early morning.
19:27No, I can be late.
19:34So, should we...
19:37Yeah.
19:39Let's go downstairs.
19:44And we're done.
19:46Thank you, Alex.
19:47Finally!
19:51I didn't think you'd have let me
19:52off the hook there.
19:53Then you started playing along.
19:54At the end, you were all,
19:55I can be late.
19:57That was awesome!
19:58Yeah, that was awesome.
20:00I was all, I can be late.
20:02That's my book.
20:04Yeah, yeah.
20:05Boy, you really got into it at the end.
20:07I didn't know you had it in you.
20:08Oh, yeah.
20:10The end was my favorite.
20:11I was all, let's go downstairs.
20:14Ah, it's fun!
20:16And if I ever get sick of being a lawyer,
20:18maybe I should be an actress.
20:19Ah!
20:23What a relief.
20:24I am so glad we could finally
20:26put all this behind us
20:28and just get back to normal.
20:30Mwah!
20:31Of course,
20:46normal could mean
20:48that we hook up
20:49every once in a while.
20:53Ah!
20:53Oh!
20:54Oh, my God!
20:57Oh, my God.
21:27Let's go! Let's go!
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