- 3 days ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Hey, Michael, are you studying again?
00:06Do you realize how depressing that is to come home to?
00:09Depressing is coming home to an empty lasagna tray?
00:13Touché, Michael.
00:16It's just a reminder of the fact that I have no social life out here.
00:19I'm having the worst dry spell ever.
00:21My dry spell has lasted 20 years, but go on.
00:24I mean, in New York, if you see a pretty girl, you can just walk right up to her, you know?
00:28But here, they're all in cars.
00:30They go whipping past me at like a million miles an hour.
00:33You know, like today, I saw this pretty girl driving toward me,
00:36so I make a U-turn and get a ticket for 800 bucks.
00:41$800 for a U-turn?
00:43Yeah.
00:45We may have been on a freeway at the time.
00:49I just wish I had a regular place where I could go and meet women.
00:52Well, you could go to bars.
00:54No, I'm getting too old for that.
00:56Plus, I'm not great at telling whether or not they're gay bars before I go in.
01:02Oh, by the way, if Ramon calls, I am not here.
01:04Come on!
01:11Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:14Everything's gonna be alright.
01:15I wanna fight y'all, I talk.
01:18You wanna be alright, but you gotta watch all.
01:20Come on!
01:23Everything's gonna be alright, yeah.
01:24Everything's gonna be alright, but you gotta watch all.
01:30Joey, come here. Look at this.
01:43The world is a freaking joke.
01:46Cargo pants are five minutes ago?
01:48The world is a freaking joke.
01:51Oh, the thing about the celebrity hairstylist.
01:53I went to cosmetology school with that girl, and she was terrible.
01:56She burned way more hair than I did, and I burned some hair.
02:01Now I have to read about her living the glamorous life and rubbing elbows with celebrities.
02:05That should be me.
02:06You cut my hair. I'm on TV.
02:08No offense, but you're only slightly more famous than my client who shot her husband.
02:14Hello, giant plate of sandwiches.
02:18Joey, listen.
02:19Oh, hey, Michael. Didn't even see you there.
02:22Hands off. These are from my book club tonight.
02:25Book club? Here? In my own home?
02:28Oh, God. It's like I'm living at the Playboy Mansion.
02:31Stay away from the sandwiches. Watch them, Mom.
02:40I can't believe this.
02:44It's so upsetting when people with less talent than you are more successful.
02:47Yeah, like that dog from my beer commercial.
02:50Couldn't catch a frisbee on cue. Works all the time.
02:54You know, you should ask your agent to hook me up.
02:56She has lots of famous clients that need to get their hair done.
02:59Just show her my portfolio. I am sure she will be impressed.
03:01Well, I could show it to her, but I'm not so sure she'll be impressed.
03:04I mean, all the hairstyles are modeled by Michael, even the women's.
03:08Well?
03:08So, that Dorothy Hamill haircut with the heavy makeup?
03:12Well, lucky he's not burying bodies in the backyard.
03:20Joey, what are you doing here?
03:23Why aren't you out there getting work?
03:26Uh, didn't have any auditions today.
03:28Oh, sure. Put it all on me.
03:32What's that?
03:33Oh, it's a portfolio of hairstyles.
03:36What?
03:40Oh, who's the model?
03:46I'd like to keep that little piece of chicken in my pocket and snack on him all day.
03:53Uh, that's my nephew.
03:55Well, we can see who has the looks in your family.
04:00Anyway, my sister is a hairdresser, and that's her portfolio.
04:04I was hoping maybe you could show it to some of your clients.
04:07Oh, absolutely.
04:15Hi, Halle Berry.
04:18My client has a sister who's a barber.
04:23Could she do your hair for the Oscars?
04:25What'd she say?
04:31Joey, I'm not here to do you personal favors.
04:35Let me explain how this agent thing works.
04:38First, you become famous.
04:40And then, I'll kiss your ass.
04:44But until then, let's keep it strictly professional.
04:48Okay. Sorry. I understand.
04:50Leave the pictures of the boy toy.
05:01Well, hello.
05:03Are you here for book club?
05:05I am now.
05:07What did you think of this week's book?
05:10I found it extremely fictional.
05:13Uh, Joey, Joey, can I just talk to you for one second?
05:17Uh, yeah.
05:18Sorry.
05:22What are you doing?
05:23You didn't tell me there were pretty ladies in the nerd club.
05:27You gotta let me in.
05:28Look, I don't know.
05:29Hey, come on, Michael.
05:30You can't keep me out of a room full of women.
05:32If I was in charge of a room full of boring stuff, I'd let you in.
05:35Look, this isn't one of those book clubs where people just come to mingle, all right?
05:39It's a place to discuss literature, not pick up girls.
05:42Oh, my God. Jane's here. Jane.
05:46Hi, Michael. I brought an ice cream cake.
05:48That's great. That's great. It's great to see you.
05:50Uh, great book, huh? So great.
05:52I was a little slow at the beginning, but great overall.
05:54I mean, did you think it was great?
05:55The cake is cold. My hands are getting numb.
05:58Oh.
06:03Not a place to pick up girls, huh?
06:06Jane?
06:07No way.
06:08No, are you kidding?
06:09No, I would never.
06:10Great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great.
06:14All right.
06:16I love her so much.
06:19So ask her out.
06:20No, book club has a strict no dating rule, and I'm the president.
06:23She's my vice president.
06:24The scandal would tear our administration apart.
06:27Michael, you have to seize this moment.
06:31The love between two nerds is a rare and fragile thing.
06:35I want you.
06:36I can't go against the rules without a motion being passed.
06:39So I'll make a motion.
06:40No, you're not a member.
06:41There's an approval process.
06:42Well, I motion you suspended on account of me being the sole payer of rent for the book club's headquarters.
06:46I second the motion.
06:49The motion is passed.
06:50I motion for a presidential exemption to the no dating rule.
06:53I second the motion.
06:54The motion is passed.
06:55I motion that you and me eat that entire ice cream cake right now.
06:59Motion denied.
07:00Mr. Chairman, you're out of order.
07:07Great book club tonight.
07:09Lively discussion, and I got five phone numbers.
07:13Yeah, the girls were crazy about you.
07:15What's your secret?
07:16Well, there's no trick.
07:18Women just want to be listened to.
07:20So when they talk, I pretend to listen and go like this.
07:22Hey, so how'd it go with Jane?
07:27Did you ask her out?
07:28No, just because I want to wait until next week's meeting so I can set the mood.
07:32So I picked a romantic book, and I asked her to come over right before just to help me write out the discussion questions.
07:38Nice, nice.
07:39What's the book?
07:40Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice.
07:41It's a tale of manners and courtship set in 19th century rural England.
07:45I hope you enjoy reading that.
07:47Joey, if you're going to be in this book club, you have to read the book.
07:51The whole notion of...
07:53Stop that!
07:55Stop it!
07:57Hey, guys.
07:58Hey.
07:59Mom.
08:00So, is the agent going to send me any clients?
08:02No.
08:03Actually, Bobby's been very busy, so I don't know if you should expect the call.
08:06Your agent?
08:07She did call.
08:08Really?
08:09Yeah, it was weird.
08:10She called me her little chicken nugget, then made a bunch of slurping noises.
08:15That's just showbiz talks.
08:18I can't believe you don't know anyone famous.
08:20If you hadn't turned down that hit show, you'd have so many connections that could help me right now.
08:24Yeah, that's what I regret most about that decision.
08:28Hey, I'm sorry to bug you, but did you get some of my mail by mistake?
08:32I didn't get my People magazine, and the post office said they delivered it today.
08:38Gina, weren't you reading that earlier?
08:40What's the problem?
08:41I'm not good enough to steal your magazine?
08:44Alex, it's okay.
08:45I think it's upstairs.
08:46Have a seat.
08:46I'll go get it.
08:46No, that's okay.
08:47You don't need to leave us alone.
08:48So, tell me, do you...
08:53This isn't a social hour.
08:54What famous people do you know?
08:57Oh, well, um, my college friend Jessica is married to a big-time movie producer.
09:02So does she wear really expensive gowns and get her hair all done up and go to big premieres?
09:06Yeah, all the time.
09:07She goes to one, like, every week.
09:08Oh, you're lying to impress me.
09:12No, I'm not lying.
09:13She's a really good friend of mine.
09:15You're right.
09:16I'd like to see you ask her to let me do a hair for her next premiere.
09:19All right, I will.
09:20Wait, what just happened?
09:22I'm really good, I swear.
09:23I just need a chance.
09:25If you call her and set it up, I'll be nice to you.
09:29For how long?
09:31Name your terms.
09:32Two weeks.
09:33Done.
09:33I should have said three.
09:35And now you're down to one.
09:36Oh.
09:44Hey.
09:44Hello.
09:45Hey, listen, tonight at book club, don't have Diane sit next to Maureen.
09:49Why?
09:49I may be dating both of them exclusively.
09:54Oh, my God, that's Jane.
09:55All right, I'll get out of your hair until book club starts.
09:57I'll be in my room reading the book and listening to some soft rock hits of the 70s.
10:02Can you believe someone threw this out?
10:03Oh.
10:08Hi.
10:09Whoa.
10:11Come in, I'm sorry.
10:11You just, you look great.
10:13Thanks.
10:14You look, I don't know, I can't see without my glasses.
10:19I probably shouldn't have driven here.
10:24So, uh, did you enjoy the book?
10:28Oh, yeah.
10:29Yeah, it's pretty romantic.
10:32Very.
10:32Very.
10:33So, I wanted to ask you.
10:35Don't mind me, just grabbing a snack.
10:37Reading makes me hungry.
10:38I'm sorry, please.
10:41Um, so, I was just...
10:42Just call me angel of the morning, angel, touch about you before you leave.
10:50So, I was just thinking that maybe we could loosen up the rules of book club.
10:59Oh, okay.
10:59Like, uh, maybe we could strike the no dating rule from the bylaws.
11:03Oh, yes, let's do that.
11:04Okay, okay.
11:05Uh, consider it stricken.
11:06Okay, great.
11:07So we can date people in book club.
11:09Yes, we can.
11:11So what's up with your uncle?
11:13I'm sorry?
11:14Well, do you think he would go out with me?
11:17He mentioned he was single last time, and I was hoping you could say something for me.
11:20I'm gonna go read in the courtyard.
11:23Give you two some privacy.
11:24Four down, 371 to go.
11:38Hey.
11:39Hey.
11:40I just wanted to tell you guys to be sure to watch TV tonight.
11:42I just did Alex's friend's hair for a premiere, and she's gonna be on the red carpet.
11:45I know how to go.
11:47Oh, I was a little nervous at first.
11:48She's a very fancy lady.
11:51She was drinking martinis and sitting with her legs crossed.
11:55But then I got into it, and instinct just took over.
11:57I did this beautiful old Hollywood-style updo.
12:01Congratulations.
12:02All right.
12:03I'm gonna go tell Michael.
12:04No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
12:04He's in there with the girl.
12:06Okay.
12:06He's in there with the girl, and you're reading books?
12:08What is this?
12:09Freaky Friday?
12:11All right.
12:12I guess I'll go tell Blondie how it went.
12:13Ah, call her Alex.
12:14You promised you were gonna be nice.
12:16Yeah.
12:16Only one more day of that, and some stuff is gonna happen.
12:21Five minutes left.
12:22I gotta buckle down.
12:24Hey, little snail.
12:30Hi, Joey.
12:33Diane, Maureen, you two know each other?
12:35Oh, yeah.
12:36We're good friends.
12:37I did not know that.
12:39Come on in.
12:43Hi, Joey.
12:44Sup?
12:47Listen, Michael, I didn't exactly finish the book, okay?
12:50So don't call on me.
12:52You're unbelievable.
12:53What?
12:54Come here.
12:58What's the matter?
12:59Did you ask Jane out?
13:00No, I didn't ask her out, because she wants to go out with you.
13:03Oh, dude.
13:04I'm so sorry.
13:05Obviously, I would never...
13:06You totally screwed this up for me.
13:08I didn't mean to.
13:09I barely said two words to her.
13:10You didn't have to.
13:11You came to last week's meeting with your game face on, looking to score, and it worked,
13:15right?
13:15You're like a big blob of sex, and you...
13:18You've used your charm all over the girl I like.
13:21I am not a sex blob.
13:24Okay?
13:24And this is not my fault.
13:25Look, I'm sorry if she likes me, but I didn't do anything wrong.
13:28I should never have let you in.
13:32Should we get started?
13:34Yes.
13:34Come, Joey.
13:35Let's go talk about the book we all read.
13:36Nothing past page four.
13:37Hey, I wanted to call and tell you what a great...
13:52Book club is starting, everybody.
13:54Book club!
13:56Okay, so, who wants to start?
13:59I thought...
13:59Joey, what did you think of Pride and Prejudice?
14:03Let's hear it.
14:04What were some of the central themes?
14:07Uh, uh, well, Pride was one.
14:14Mm, yeah.
14:16And, of course, Prejudice, which is wrong.
14:19Oh, yeah.
14:21Uh, uh-huh.
14:22And what did you think of Darcy?
14:23She was good.
14:25Darcy's a man.
14:26But not in the modern sense.
14:29Is that what you're saying, Joey?
14:31Uh, yes, it is.
14:32Yes, it is, Maureen.
14:36That's interesting.
14:37That's very interesting.
14:42He didn't read the book.
14:44The only reason he's here is to pick up women.
14:45Now, in the interest of maintaining the integrity of book club,
14:48I motion that we kick Joey out.
14:49Who seconds?
14:53Come on, he didn't read the book.
14:55Neither did I.
14:56Me neither.
14:57I shot a movie.
14:58There was a movie!
15:02Did anyone here read the book?
15:04You put too much pressure on us, Michael.
15:05A book a week?
15:07It's just really gotten very stressful.
15:09How is reading stressful?
15:11Reading is fun!
15:13It's fun!
15:14Okay!
15:15Okay, let's turn this into a hostage situation.
15:18If you want me to leave, I will.
15:21No!
15:23You know what?
15:24I'm just gonna go.
15:33Okay, it's almost time for the big premiere.
15:35I made popcorn.
15:37Nice place.
15:38Oh.
15:39Who's the knockout in the tiara?
15:40Oh, that's my sister Nancy.
15:42She was Queen of the Rose Parade.
15:43You're cute, but maybe you shouldn't stand next to her in family pictures.
15:49Yeah, that's what my mom says.
15:53I really appreciate you helping me out.
15:55I mean, I know I mess with you sometimes, but it's just for fun.
15:58Oh, yeah.
15:59That is fun.
16:01So this is actually kind of nice, being friendly.
16:07Maybe we could keep it up a little longer than a week.
16:09I physically can't.
16:12Oh, my God, it's on.
16:15Look at George Clooney.
16:16I would wear him down to a nub.
16:21Yeah, I would have bunches of sex with him.
16:26Oh, my God, I think that's Jessica's husband getting out of the limo.
16:28Oh, my God, this is exciting.
16:29Oh, there she is.
16:30Oh, wow.
16:32She actually looks really good.
16:34Not that I'm surprised.
16:35I mean, when I said actually, I didn't mean that.
16:38What?
16:40What's wrong?
16:41She took it down.
16:43What?
16:45That wasn't the style I gave her.
16:46She must have taken it out in the limo.
16:49She hated it.
16:52I can't believe this.
16:54Oh, I'm so sorry.
16:57I knew when I walked in there I was out of my league,
16:59but I spent two hours trying to fake it.
17:01Oh, no.
17:05Um, they're there.
17:08I can't believe I ever thought I could do this.
17:11I just don't fit in with rich people.
17:12They look down on me.
17:14They always have and they always will,
17:15with their grammar and their leg crossing.
17:20Hey, don't be saying that, girlfriend.
17:23Okay, look.
17:28I grew up with money and I don't look down on you.
17:31If anything, I envy you.
17:33Oh, come on.
17:34It's true.
17:35I wish I were as strong and as confident as you.
17:38And if it were me,
17:39I would be more than happy to have you do my hair.
17:43Really?
17:45You mean that?
17:46Absolutely.
17:49So can we do it right now?
17:52Now?
17:53Oh, now seems so soon.
17:59Look, Michael, it's Joey.
18:01I know you're mad,
18:03but I hope you come home soon
18:04so we can talk about how you're feeling
18:06and work this out.
18:08And also, if you get a chance to pick up some tacos
18:10or something on your way home,
18:11that'd be great.
18:13Hey, look, uh...
18:23I know you're upset because Jane liked me, all right?
18:26But I hope you know
18:27I would never come between you and a girl, all right?
18:29And I really did not mean for that to happen.
18:32No, I know you didn't.
18:33That's the problem.
18:40What?
18:43It's gonna happen whether you try or not, you know?
18:45Anytime I actually get a girl and bring her home,
18:47she'll take one look at you
18:48and she'll forget I'm even here.
18:49Hey, come on.
18:50Give yourself some credit.
18:52Michael, you have so many gifts that I don't have.
18:56You're really smart.
18:58People respect your opinion about stuff.
19:00That's a great thing.
19:03Maybe.
19:04I'd still rather have your gifts.
19:08Yeah, me too.
19:12But believe me,
19:14you are on your way to big things, okay?
19:17Because you're only gonna get better
19:18with girls and stuff.
19:20But I'll always suck at math.
19:23You know?
19:23In, like, five years,
19:25you are gonna be a force to be reckoned with.
19:28Yeah.
19:31And in five years,
19:33you'll be 40.
19:38You get a lot of your mother in you, don't you?
19:44Okay.
19:44Ladies and gentlemen,
19:46modeling an original Gina Tribbiani hairstyle
19:48called The Nice and Nasty.
19:50I'll give you Alex Garrett.
19:57Whoa.
19:58Now that's a neighbor.
20:01Come on.
20:02Get your camera.
20:02I want to get some pictures.
20:03You look so different.
20:05I can't believe you own an outfit that slutty.
20:07Hey, that's mine.
20:08I wear that to church.
20:12You're very nice to be such a good sport.
20:14Can I tell you something?
20:16I love it.
20:19I feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
20:23You know she was a hooker, right?
20:26Yes.
20:26I have to go look at myself in the mirror again.
20:36Oh.
20:38Joey, I've got great news.
20:40Oh, did I get that commercial?
20:41No, I bought a horse.
20:43Joey, come on.
20:46I've got to get to school.
20:48Oh, hi.
20:49I'm Michael.
20:50Mmm.
20:52Have a seat.
20:55Joey, I completely forgot.
20:59There's a residual check for you in the accounting department.
21:02Why don't you go grab it?
21:05All right.
21:06Okay, I'll be right back.
21:07I'll be right back.
21:07So, Michael, how do you feel about full frontal nudity?
21:25I'm not an actor.
21:26Oh, yes.
21:28I know.
21:28I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm not an actor, but I'm an actor
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