- 2 days ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00I cannot believe what happened to my house.
00:05I know. Let's just get the pictures for the insurance and get out.
00:07All right. How should I close?
00:09I don't think you should be in the pictures at all.
00:12Michael, I'm an actor.
00:14If I use my powers to convey how upset I am, they'll give me more money.
00:18I just need a sec, okay?
00:20Here, here, right here.
00:24Why?
00:25No, that's my bad side.
00:28Why?
00:30Did you hear something?
00:32Who the hell is in my house, huh?
00:34I got a rifle and a broad sexual appetite.
00:37Jimmy, what are you doing here?
00:39Oh, you know, I lost my apartment and, uh, you know, I figured I'd crash here a while.
00:44In my burned-out house? That's crazy.
00:47That ain't so bad, you know? I'm used to the smell now.
00:49And after I made an example out of the big one, the raccoons finally respect me.
00:53Okay, so my dad's a squatter?
00:55I got to hear this from my kid my entire life.
00:57People have been labeling me, huh? Squatter, dropout, chubby chaser.
01:01I say to each his own, except for high Episcopalians.
01:04You're either Catholic or shut up.
01:07Okay, look, Jimmy, you can't stay here.
01:08I got no place else to go, Joe.
01:12Have you thought about moving in with my mom?
01:14She'd probably like that.
01:16That's not a bad idea.
01:17Yeah, huh.
01:19All right, it's a big step, but, uh, let me give it some thought.
01:21Okay, great.
01:22All right.
01:22Hey, let's take the rest of those insurance pictures.
01:24All right.
01:25Hey, Jimmy, would you mind lying in the ashes like you're dead while I cry out in anger and pain?
01:29Oh, so they pay you more, sure.
01:30Oh, so they pay you more.
02:00Right this way, Edie.
02:07I'll be just a second.
02:09Oh, my God.
02:10Is that Edie Phillips in your office?
02:12I'm such a huge fan.
02:13I know.
02:14She's the perfect actress.
02:16Critics love her, and so do trashy pinheads like you.
02:19Oh, no.
02:21Joey's on his way up.
02:22Oh, good.
02:23I'm gonna set him up with Edie.
02:25Oh, really?
02:26I always heard she was a lesbian.
02:27Do not say that out loud.
02:30She has a huge romantic comedy coming out, and the public needs to think she's straight.
02:35Okay.
02:35So I don't want to hear you calling her the L-word or the M-word or the G-word.
02:39I don't want to hear about how she V-Zs.
02:42And I don't want to see any pictures of her R-ing some girl's O while some H-K's in the background.
02:50Okay.
02:50Okay, so you want Joey to be her beard.
02:52Exactly.
02:53Well, good luck convincing people she's straight, because everyone knows she's gay.
02:56Hey, I got your message.
02:58Edie Phillips wants to sleep with me.
02:59Oh, Joey, I think you misunderstood my message.
03:04Uh, Edie doesn't go out with men that often.
03:08Oh, been a bit of a dry spell, huh?
03:11Well, tonight's forecast calls for a heavy doing it, with a strong chance of more doing it over the weekend, huh?
03:17Hey, by the way, any network bites on my TV treatment for sexy weatherman?
03:21Joey, I don't think you're hearing me.
03:24It's not just that she doesn't date men.
03:27Uh, Edie H's J's.
03:35It's a little weird for a straight girl, but I'll roll with it.
03:38Oh, my God.
03:39Edie Phillips.
03:40Hi, Joey.
03:41Thanks for doing this.
03:43And I trust you'll be discreet about it.
03:44Let me ask him.
03:47Are you also...
03:48Oh, yeah.
03:49So, I've arranged your date tonight, and I've alerted the press.
03:57I'll walk you out, Edie.
04:00Make sure Joey knows what's going on.
04:05What does she mean?
04:06Well, you know how you think you're gonna sleep with Edie?
04:08Oh, yeah.
04:11You're right.
04:12Oh!
04:12Oh, my God.
04:19Would you look at this?
04:20It's so embarrassing.
04:22The woman I'm going out with tonight is on the cover of People magazine.
04:26Wow.
04:27Edie Phillips?
04:28That's right.
04:29Do I feel a jealous front moving in with scattered showers of regret?
04:34Seriously, talk to Bobby.
04:35Sexy weatherman is the next Desperate Housewives.
04:40I'm sorry, but isn't Edie Phillips the best...
04:44And Joey doesn't...
04:45Nope.
04:47I wasn't charged with telling him.
04:49I have failed to do so.
04:54Hey, Jojo.
04:55Gina.
04:56There you are.
04:58I've been wanting to talk to you.
04:59What's up?
05:00Look, uh...
05:02Things have been going real good between us, you know?
05:04And maybe I don't come out and say it as often as I should, but, uh...
05:08You make me happy in ways that sometimes I feel I don't deserve.
05:11Oh...
05:12What the hell was that?
05:13Do I barge into your private moments and make strange noises?
05:15No, that was...
05:16This is between us.
05:17Look at the table.
05:19You two table.
05:20Okay.
05:23Anyway, I just feel so lucky to have found you after all these years, and I figured that
05:27maybe we could take the next step and, uh, move in together.
05:30Jimmy, I would love that.
05:33Yeah, it'd be good, you know?
05:34I mean, you're the best thing that ever happened to me.
05:37Why?
05:41What?
05:42The table that's on the main side?
05:43Wow, so me and Gina, moving in, huh?
05:52I'm proud of you, man.
05:53This is huge.
05:54Yeah, it's the biggest thing we've ever done together.
05:57Are you gonna make it about you again, like the other night?
06:01Give me some dessert.
06:02Sing me a song.
06:04It was my birthday.
06:06Yeah.
06:08All right, here we are.
06:10All right.
06:11Jeez.
06:12I don't know why she lives in this neighborhood.
06:15Look at this veteran hooker.
06:16Not interested!
06:20Oh.
06:21Hey, Gina.
06:23Welcome home, honey.
06:24Okay.
06:25Thanks for the ride, guys.
06:27See you later.
06:29Bye, guys.
06:30Bye.
06:31Come on.
06:31Let's start our new life together.
06:33Let's do it right now.
06:39All right, let's get out of here.
06:40This is disgusting.
06:41Oh, no, no.
06:42They rolled underneath the truck.
06:50So your parents are finally living together.
06:52Yeah, I know.
06:53It's cool.
06:54I wonder what they're doing right now.
06:55Maybe they're making dinner or dancing to their favorite song.
06:57I can't take it anymore!
07:00What the hell's going on?
07:02That woman is impossible.
07:03I can't make her work.
07:04It's been, like, seven minutes.
07:07I tried, Joey.
07:08God knows!
07:09I tried.
07:09What?
07:10We got green lights all the way home.
07:13I'm willing to make this work, but relationship is about compromise.
07:16Wait, did you even make it inside her house?
07:18No.
07:18The fight happened outside.
07:19All right?
07:21Nobody tells me I carry my bag with.
07:23What?
07:27Table!
07:29Are you crazy?
07:30Look at the table.
07:31Come here, handsome.
07:50Finally.
07:51I mean, you paid no attention to me in the limo, and when I leaned across to you to get that bottle of champagne, I put my butt right in your face.
07:59Could you close the curtains?
08:01Oh, what are you doing?
08:06What we were doing before.
08:08Well, we don't need to do that now.
08:10Well, we don't need to do it, but we want to do it.
08:19Thanks again for doing this.
08:20Please.
08:21Spending the night with a beautiful woman?
08:23What's better than that?
08:24Not much.
08:28Okay, please stop doing that.
08:30Why?
08:31Okay, let me just see something here.
08:45I don't have this completely figured out, but I think when you were very, very young, a curtain did something to you.
09:08Joey, was Bobby clear about what we're doing here tonight?
09:17What do you mean?
09:18Going out with you as a publicity stunt.
09:22Huh?
09:22I don't have sex with men.
09:24I don't have sex with men.
09:24Oh, my God.
09:27So you only H.
09:28God.
09:29So you only H.J.'s.
09:33And to think, I put cologne on my M for nothing.
09:35wow that this is odd for me i mean i'm out to dinner with a beautiful woman there's only a
09:45small chance we're gonna end up in bed together no chance really you must be very gay
09:50can i ask you a personal question why do you need to pretend to be on a date with me
09:57i'm in the public eye it's important that i maintain a certain image ah bobby told me the
10:03same thing yeah that's why i'm not allowed to answer questions about race relations anymore
10:07so we've got a night out together what do you want to talk about i don't know um well we're
10:16both actors we could talk about that did you like study no i just make it up as i go along
10:21i memorize some of my lines and whenever i don't know what to do i just put on this big fake smile
10:25and america finds it appealing oh hey i got a go-to move also it's this devil may care smirk
10:33the last tv pilot i did test audiences found it smack facey see this is fun yeah okay so um
10:44just to be clear we'll hang out have a nice dinner and whenever the cameras are around
10:49you'll make out with me that's right okay celebrities over here damn paparazzi
10:59hey how was the weather for your date last night i heard there was a low sex front moving in and it
11:09was unseasonably lesbian oh great so gina told everyone yep did you two have a gay old time
11:18i will have you both know that even though i'm just her beard edie and i had a great time last
11:24she's fun we had a lot in common and should be here any minute to pick me up for a full day of
11:28bearding beard is not a verb joey neither is television or cake but i use them all the time
11:33michael cake me i'm gonna television
11:35hey guys what's for dinner
11:39jimmy what are you doing here i thought you left oh i did but me and gina had another fight i needed
11:49to cool off i gotta tell you man i'm really glad you made me do this you know this living with gina
11:53thing is really working out great is it yeah you know we've really taken things to the next level
12:00okay let me ask you something you say you like living with gina huh yeah how many days you been
12:04living together two and how many of those nights have you spent here two you want to get to the point
12:07before the skinny blonde chick's eyes bore a hole in my towel skinny oh where's that noise again
12:14hey honey oh hey baby doll in your rage you forgot your toothbrush oh thank you honey
12:22so you coming home tonight i think i'm gonna crash here sounds good yeah see you tomorrow
12:26yeah maybe the next day i love living with you and i love living with you you are not living together
12:31what are you talking about you're living here and you you're living there when people live together
12:37they live two one two gether you need to live in the same place okay maybe over at gina's go there
12:46now fine okay jim jimbo yeah aren't you gonna put some clothes on first oh no i came like this i was
12:54real angry
12:55hey bobby sorry we're late we went to chinatown and then we did some bearding at the dodgers game
13:06yeah it was great they put us on the jimbotron this one straight as an arrow huh she's kissing me
13:12talking about the pitcher's hot body huh and hey nice touch using the women's bathroom
13:18so tomorrow night joey's going to the independent movie awards with me right yeah here are your
13:26tickets you are the best beard ever and i've had matthew mcconaughey oh i hear he's good
13:32goodbye joey bye bobby bye-bye she is the best hey can you see what kind of flowers she likes i want
13:39to bring her some for the award show and then on wednesday we're not booked for anything so i was
13:42thinking maybe we should go to the beach the beach flowers joey what's going on here i like her i feel
13:50like we're becoming friends this beard thing is strictly a business arrangement come on you know
13:55the rules never let her out of your sight never let your guard down and never fall in love isn't that
14:03from the movie the bodyguard oh come on don't mess this up this arrangement is working out great for
14:10everybody i mean people are starting to think that both of you were straight bobby i am straight bobby i
14:17am straight can you hear yourself
14:25thanks michael i want to look perfect for edie this is a big night for her you really care about this
14:32woman yeah you know it's amazing when you take sex out of the equation how quickly you can make a
14:37connection with someone on a deeper level that's why i always avoid taking it to a sexual place with any of
14:43my female friends i can't do this your sister's crazy the situation is untenable the situation is
14:58untenable jimmy jimmy gina's driving me nuts oh i had to get away from jimmy i can't stand to look at that
15:05bastard's face oh here's the bastard's face look at it look at it what are you doing here getting
15:12away from you yeah well i'm here getting away from you i'll take joey's room i'll take michael's room
15:16stop look this relationship is never gonna work if every time you guys have a problem you run away
15:24from each other you need to look each other in the eye and talk it out i don't want to talk to him
15:30get her away you look like two magnets with opposing polarities michael be quiet table hey nobody tables
15:35my son his metaphor is apt no you two are working this out stop it get her away no hey okay fine go in
15:42there here you're staying in there until you work this out now talk to each other hey you think you
15:47can keep us in here we'll just go through the window oh sure go out the window not the front door you
15:52idiot call me an idiot no i'm talking to the other idiot in the room
15:55welcome back i don't know why i'm nervous i'm not gonna win of course you are hey now when you
16:11thanked me in your speech i was gonna go for a fake cry now do you want just a subtle welling up like
16:16you want to cry for me well someone should well i mean you should be sharing this with someone in a
16:27real relationship with you don't think i want that i think it's crazy that you feel the need to bring a
16:33fake boyfriend to this but if i am here i'm gonna give you what you deserve that's very sweet
16:41you know i actually don't think i'm gonna mention anybody by name but if i win just know you've been
16:45great and the award for best supporting actress goes to edie phillips my girlfriend my girlfriend
16:58what a rush we're gonna have some heterosexual sex tonight
17:05wow this is such an honor i want to thank everyone involved in the film my fellow actors the fabulous
17:12crew and wow i i wasn't going to do this but i need to acknowledge someone who's very special to me
17:21by name i haven't known you long but you've really touched my life i mean this award is also yours
17:29please stand up the love of my life miss barbara switzer
17:39and let's hear it from my girlfriend's laughing soul mate
17:49tonight was so exciting i feel like there's a weight off my chest
17:52so are you so excited about coming out that you might consider sleeping with you are you kidding
18:01i had to ask
18:05so is that a it's a no right i had to take a shot
18:12so uh are we still on for that benefit saturday i don't think so i mean after tonight
18:18barbara can do that stuff with me oh so no more you and me out on the town
18:26i just don't need a beard anymore i'm sorry joey but i do appreciate everything you've done
18:35i understand it was always a professional arrangement you know
18:39you know what i'm happy for you guys hey how about a little champagne huh
18:50nothing
18:55hey hey i saw the award show so the secret's out yeah what's the matter i thought you wanted her to do
19:03that well i did but then after she told me she didn't need a beard anymore she shaved me alex
19:12sorry this whole thing was such a waste of time
19:16i don't know it's actually kind of nice to see you have feelings for a woman when sex isn't involved
19:22it suggests dare i say emotional depth great kick me while i'm down
19:27no that's a good thing sensitive men are very appealing
19:37are we
19:41well if i could add sensitivity to my other already well documented gifts i could be really impossible
19:51to resist could be huh
19:58maybe you should think about that maybe i will
20:02i think we're done
20:14too tired to fight anymore okay great uh but before i send you guys home let me test something uh
20:22gina look at that stupid shirt jimmy's wearing it you look like a moron
20:26jimmy you're gonna take that from her i'm gonna kill you you bitch
20:36hey you did it you worked through your problems you're right this is huge for us
20:43is it possible that i feel even closer to you is it possible that i want you even more
20:48i'll kill you you
21:02what no how does he pull that off
21:18my
21:24is
21:34my
21:34my
21:36my
21:38my
21:40my
21:42my
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