- 6 weeks ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Hang on, Lizzie.
00:04I can't walk. It's too hard.
00:06Then I'll carry you off this mountain.
00:09I'll carry you for as long as it takes to get you home.
00:13Cut.
00:16Man, how happy is that kid?
00:18Has she got weights in her pockets?
00:20We'll finish this after lunch, people.
00:21Okay, have a nice lunch.
00:23Maybe just a salad.
00:25Hey, Joey.
00:26Bobby. Hey.
00:28Hey, everyone. This is my agent, Bobby.
00:30Hello, everyone.
00:31I just watched your last scene.
00:34Wow. You're all so lucky to have work.
00:40So, what do you think? You excited to do it?
00:43What are you talking about?
00:44Did I not tell you?
00:45I'm a little off.
00:47I was at the gate looking through my purse, through my wallet,
00:50and I accidentally tasered myself.
00:55So, what's the news?
00:56Well, the Tonight Show had a cancellation for tomorrow.
01:00And they called to ask me if I had anyone who could fill in.
01:03I suggested you, and they said yes.
01:06You're kidding.
01:06I'm as stunned as you are.
01:09I'm going to be on the Tonight Show?
01:11Oh, my God.
01:13This is unbelievable.
01:14This is like one of those moments I've dreamed of my whole life.
01:17The only thing bigger than this would be, I don't know,
01:19like making my Oscar speech.
01:20Oscar, did you get tasered too?
01:25Come on.
01:33Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:36Everything gonna be alright.
01:38Alright, y'all.
01:39Alright, y'all.
01:40You wanna be alright, you gotta watch on.
01:42Come on.
01:43Everything's gonna be alright, man.
01:45Everything's gonna be alright, man.
01:48Alright, y'all.
01:49Alright, y'all.
01:50You wanna be alright, you gotta watch on.
01:53Alright, y'all.
01:54Alright, y'all.
01:55You wanna be alright, you gotta watch on.
01:57Oh!
02:00The creature that made this must have been gigantic.
02:03Shh!
02:06It's four in the morning.
02:07Shouldn't you be in bed?
02:07Tomorrow's your big day.
02:08I can't sleep.
02:09I'm too nervous.
02:10Don't bother, I ate it.
02:15Hey, you don't feel like watching it again, do you?
02:17Sure.
02:19Tune in tomorrow night.
02:20My guests will be, uh, Colin Farrell,
02:22Deep Powder's Joey Tribbiani,
02:24and musical guest Maroon 5.
02:25It's a good show.
02:27Didn't he sound kinda excited when he said my name?
02:29I bet you he can't sleep either.
02:32I still can't believe it.
02:34Tomorrow night, I am gonna be sitting on that couch.
02:37Is it lame that I'm this nervous?
02:39No.
02:39No, this is huge.
02:42But, Joey, you're gonna be great.
02:44Well, thanks.
02:45Yeah.
02:45It's just, when I was a kid,
02:47I used to dream about being on The Tonight Show.
02:49You know, Johnny Carson would introduce me,
02:51and I'd come out, and he'd say,
02:52How you doing, Joey?
02:53And I'd say, Just great, Johnny.
02:54And now that day is finally here.
02:57And I'm so scared, cuz...
02:59Because you're afraid you're gonna say Johnny's name
03:00instead of J's?
03:01It could so happen.
03:02I spoke to Mom.
03:10Everyone's so excited.
03:12They're all gonna watch you over at Mary Angeles,
03:14except for Mary Teresa, who has to be home to watch Nightline.
03:17That bitch with her current events.
03:18People in the building are excited, too.
03:22Oh, really?
03:22Yeah, well, it's a solid two hours.
03:24They know you won't be in the hot tub.
03:27Got your suit.
03:28Oh, great.
03:28Thanks.
03:30Did you know that there was a woman's number in the pocket?
03:32Oh, my God.
03:33To find a number, I thought I'd lost forever.
03:36It's like the beginning of a great romantic movie.
03:39Oh, her?
03:39No.
03:41So, do you have your stories prepared yet?
03:43Uh, well, yeah, I got a few choices.
03:45Hey, tell me what you guys think.
03:46Um, it was a couple years ago at Halloween,
03:48and I'm going as the Grinch.
03:50You love it.
03:51So, I meet this girl at a party.
03:53And because I'm a little drunk,
03:55and she's wearing a Catwoman mask,
03:57I just assume that she's pretty.
03:59Stop.
03:59Ew.
04:00Wait a minute.
04:01I didn't even get to the funny part yet.
04:02So, turns out she was only 17.
04:05Okay, sure.
04:07Uh, maybe a different story.
04:09Um, oh, okay.
04:10Well, I know a joke.
04:11This old French whore walks into a bar.
04:13Yeah, I don't think she does.
04:14No, no.
04:15No, not on The Tonight Show.
04:17Joey, you gotta have something other than
04:19dirty jokes and sex stories.
04:20Oh, like a heartwarming family story?
04:23Exactly.
04:24Okay.
04:24Oh, here's something.
04:25Uh, one of my sisters breastfed her kid
04:27until he was seven.
04:31So, what happened to this French whore?
04:33Jay, Jay, Jay.
04:42Hi, Jay, I'm Joey.
04:44Johnny.
04:45Oh.
04:45You had it.
04:48Well, I think that's as close as I'm gonna guess.
04:51I still haven't figured out what I'm gonna do
04:52when I get there.
04:53Should I breakdance?
04:54No.
04:55Bird calls?
04:56No.
04:56An impersonation of Jay?
04:58Really?
04:58Definitely no.
05:00Seriously, Michael, could you drive any slower?
05:02There's a lot of traffic.
05:04Well, I can't be late.
05:05I go on in an hour.
05:06There should be a Tonight Show lane.
05:09Oh, my God.
05:10Hey, that guy in the red truck just cut you off.
05:13Pull up next to him and give him the finger.
05:14Oh, my God.
05:15Because it's stupid.
05:17You know, I don't insult the things that you do.
05:21Now, come on.
05:22Flip them off.
05:23No, I've never given anyone the finger in my life.
05:25Never?
05:26That's the Tribbiani handshake.
05:29You're never gonna see him again.
05:31Just do it.
05:33What are you scared?
05:33No, I...
05:34Are you a baby?
05:35Are you a ba-ba-baby?
05:38You are the best mom ever.
05:41Michael, just do it.
05:42Otherwise, she's never gonna leave you alone.
05:43Okay, okay.
05:47You happy now?
05:49How'd it feel?
05:49Pretty good.
05:51Can you believe this?
05:53Michael gave a guy the finger
05:54and you're gonna be on the Tonight Show.
05:56Let us remember this day.
05:58Huh.
06:00Uh-oh.
06:02We're slowing down.
06:03What's the bad deal?
06:04Look, you said I'd never see this guy again.
06:06Now we're stopping right next to each other.
06:11Oh, great.
06:12We can take it to the next level.
06:13Swearing.
06:14Gina?
06:16Hmm.
06:17Oh, I got it.
06:18No, Mom.
06:19No, no, no.
06:20Just...
06:21We're not moving.
06:22Is he still right next to me?
06:24Pretty much.
06:27Oh, my God.
06:29The guy's staring at me.
06:30Well, sure, Michael.
06:31You gave him the finger.
06:35Look up ahead.
06:35People are getting out of their cars.
06:37Why are they getting out of their cars?
06:39Oh, my God.
06:40I can't be late.
06:41I'll find out what's going on.
06:43I'm good with people.
06:46Hey!
06:46What the hell?
06:47Hello?
06:51Joey.
06:52Oh, I'm so glad I caught you.
06:54There is a major traffic jam on the freeway.
06:57Do not take the 101.
06:59I'm already on the 101.
07:01Oh, you actors never listen.
07:06Just get your ass over here.
07:10You are not going to believe it.
07:12What?
07:12I just met the hottest guy.
07:14Oh, dirty hair.
07:18Great arms.
07:19Drives in El Camino.
07:22Gina, what about the traffic?
07:24Oh.
07:25Well, a truck jackknifed, flipped over, spilled stuff everywhere.
07:29The driver's okay, but I bet he's so fired.
07:33So what does this mean?
07:34Well, they closed all five lanes so they could clean it up.
07:36It's going to be about an hour.
07:39An hour?
07:39I can't wait that long.
07:43All right, I'm going to have to run for it.
07:44How far away are we?
07:45Like, nine miles.
07:46Okay, nine miles in 45 minutes.
07:49Can I do that?
07:50Are you a Kenyan man with a number on your back?
07:55I don't know what that means.
07:58All right, I'm going to give it a shot.
08:05Aggravated, an old injury.
08:06What, football?
08:06No, no, a threesome.
08:10All right, I'm never going to make it there on foot.
08:12I'm going to call Bobby and see what my options are.
08:17Oh, hello?
08:21Bobby?
08:22Is that you?
08:23I just tasered myself again.
08:27I think on some level, I may be doing it on purpose.
08:31Look, I need you to find out what The Tonight Show does if someone's late.
08:34Oh, I am so on it.
08:37Hold on.
08:42Mom, what are you doing?
08:43I want a picture of you and the first guy you ever gave the finger to.
08:48I tell him to smile, but I don't think that's happening.
08:53Huh?
08:55What?
08:56His license plate says judo man.
08:58Ah, he's not that big.
09:02He can't be judo man.
09:07That's judo man.
09:12Joey.
09:12Yeah?
09:13I talked to the producers, and it turns out if you're late, they give away your spot and
09:18you're banned from the show for life.
09:21That's terrible.
09:22Isn't there anything else you can do?
09:24Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to crawl there?
09:38Okay, I have to get there now.
09:40Otherwise, I'm never going to be on The Tonight Show.
09:42I got 40 minutes, all right?
09:44Let's brainstorm.
09:45What are some ways I can get the hell out of here?
09:47I know it's crazy, but maybe we can get one of these news helicopters to come down and
09:52pick you up.
09:52That's great, okay?
09:53We just got to get their attention.
09:55Oh, let's lie on the pavement and use our bodies to spell out Joey Tribbiani needs to
09:59get to The Tonight Show fast.
10:01I'll be the J.
10:02What?
10:04This is ridiculous.
10:05Wait, you got any other ideas?
10:07That hot guy in the El Camino seemed to have a good head on his shoulders.
10:09Maybe I'll just check in with him.
10:11How is that going to help me get to The Tonight Show?
10:13Okay, look, it's...
10:15He asked me to stop by and hang out if I had some time.
10:17I'm sorry.
10:18You have a date in a traffic jam?
10:21Don't put so much pressure on it.
10:24Not that this isn't a great idea in every other way, but aren't you dating Joey's assistant?
10:28Look, Glenn's great, but there's no ring on this finger.
10:33Oh, that's hilarious.
10:34They think I'm flipping him off.
10:38Put it down.
10:39All right, I'll be back.
10:42They won't stop staring at me.
10:47They didn't even argue with my mom when she walked away.
10:48Well, they're probably gay.
10:49Oh, yeah, they heard that.
10:53This is a Chinese black dragon.
10:56Oh.
10:57And this means flower of chaos.
11:01Flower of chaos?
11:03I've been called that.
11:06That is so hot.
11:08Speaking of hot, huh?
11:10Yeah, I know.
11:11It's got to be 90 today.
11:13What are you going to do?
11:15Nothing but sweat.
11:18Wow.
11:19Wow.
11:20You like music?
11:21Sure.
11:22What's your favorite band?
11:24Do you know White Snake?
11:26No way.
11:27I just got the Japanese release, a slip of the tongue.
11:30No way.
11:31How is it?
11:32I got it in my car.
11:35Don't go anywhere.
11:36Don't worry.
11:37I won't.
11:37This isn't the traffic.
11:40That's right.
11:44Hey, anything happen up there yet?
11:47Nah, they're still clear on the road.
11:50Nice car.
11:53Thanks.
11:55You, uh, got air conditioning in there?
11:59Yeah.
12:00What's that?
12:01Bottle of water?
12:04Uh-huh.
12:04You want to come in for some?
12:09Well, just for a little bit.
12:15So, did you get that lady to give you her horse?
12:16No.
12:17And the family in the minivan wouldn't loan me their big dog, either.
12:24That's it.
12:25A motorcycle.
12:26I just need to get a motorcycle.
12:27That shouldn't be too hard.
12:28I think that old lady in the Acura is going to be opening up a shop.
12:31Yeah, that's funny.
12:33You know who'd get a chuckle out of that?
12:34Judo man.
12:38Mr. Tanaka, the government holds several documents with your signature implicating you in your company's misconduct.
12:47Hopefully that's the translator.
12:50Alex Garrett.
12:51You gotta get me a motorcycle.
12:53It is not the translator.
12:54No, it's me, Joey.
12:56Look, I'm stuck in traffic on the 101, and the only way I can get to the Tonight Show is with a motorcycle.
13:01Where am I supposed to get a motorcycle?
13:03I don't know.
13:03Someone at your firm's gotta have one.
13:05Don't a lot of lawyers ride motorcycles on the weekends so their lives don't seem so empty and boring?
13:11Oh.
13:13I gotta go.
13:17Okay, I got a big problem.
13:18Do ya?
13:18So, this El Camino guy is totally my type.
13:24Very sexy.
13:25We have tons of stuff in common.
13:26But then I met this other guy in a Mercedes.
13:29Safe, kind of boring, but has leather seats softer than my skin.
13:35I just don't know what to do.
13:37They're both so great, but so different.
13:39I mean, do I follow my heart or opt for security?
13:42You think I'm 10 minutes?
13:45Officer, officer.
13:46Look, I'm an actor, and I'm supposed to be on the Tonight Show in a half an hour.
13:51Is there any way you can give me a ride?
13:52You're on the Tonight Show?
13:53Wait a second.
13:55You're Tony Danza.
13:59Yes, I am.
14:01But I'll tell you what.
14:02I'm going past her anyway.
14:03I'll drop you off.
14:05This is great.
14:07Sir, you got to get down from there.
14:09Just a second, Mr. Danza.
14:10Hey, please.
14:11Tony.
14:11Oh, my God.
14:15I think it's going to work.
14:17Officer Bradley, we have a 10-12.
14:19Oh, my God.
14:20That's a woman going into labor.
14:21How do you know that?
14:22I was a 10-12 on my way to the prom.
14:26Officer Bradley, proceed immediately to the blue station wagon at the 20-mile marker.
14:31Oh, my God.
14:32If he goes to help that woman deliver the baby, I'll never make it to the Tonight Show.
14:35He doesn't have to know.
14:40No, I got to tell him.
14:41She'll be fine.
14:42Women have been having babies on freeways for thousands of years.
14:46That's a good point.
14:48Ready to roll?
14:51I can't do this.
14:52Look, officer, there's a 10-12 at the 20-mile marker, a blue station wagon.
14:57Oh, my God.
14:57A 10-12?
14:58I got to go.
14:59Before I do, give me one of your trademark catchphrases.
15:02Hey, Angela, I'm your nanny now, or whatever.
15:18I don't want to alarm you, but judo man is now kissing his muscles and wrapping his hands in tape.
15:28Hello?
15:29Joey, it's 10 minutes before you're supposed to go on.
15:33Can you get here?
15:34I'm trying.
15:35I'm trying.
15:36I need to know now.
15:38Because if you can't make it, they're going to send out the guy from the zoo with his snake.
15:44Oh, man.
15:45I'm not going to be on the show, and I'm missing the snake.
15:50Look, I'm going to have to tell him you can't make it.
15:54I'm sorry, honey.
15:57Yeah.
15:58All right.
15:58I guess you should.
16:01I could have found a bike, but how do you feel about a motorized wheel chick?
16:06It's too late.
16:07Bobby's giving away my spot.
16:09It's not going to happen.
16:11Oh, I'm sorry.
16:13Hey, you want to come with me with a Mercedes?
16:15You can collect yourself on the softest leather you ever felt.
16:18I'd like that very much.
16:26All right.
16:27I can't take this anymore.
16:29Michael, what are you doing?
16:30These guys have been staring at me for like an hour.
16:32And you know what?
16:32The anticipation, it's got to be worse than anything they can actually do to me.
16:36Michael, have you ever been hit in the face?
16:38It's not great.
16:39You know what?
16:40I don't care.
16:40I just got to get this over with.
16:42So come on, judo men.
16:43Yeah, come on.
16:44Practice your dark arts on me.
16:46Huh?
16:48What if they're standing?
16:49They're not big at all.
16:50No, no.
16:51They're just crouched in some kind of attack stance.
16:54All right.
16:55Let's just get this over with.
16:56Just do what you have to do.
16:58Oh, we will.
17:04Uh, what are you doing?
17:06We never performed judo without stretching properly.
17:10This should only take about 30 minutes.
17:12Oh, goodness.
17:13This will be my end.
17:16Well, there you are.
17:17I thought you were going to bring me back the Whitesnake tape.
17:20Gina, come back to the car.
17:22I personalized the lumbar settings on the passenger seat for you.
17:25Wait, you were in his car, too?
17:28You were in two cars.
17:29That we know of.
17:30Hey, I don't like what you're implying.
17:35Yeah, right there, judo man.
17:37Hey, what do you know?
17:38The little one is judo man.
17:41What do you call him little?
17:42Hey, don't be mad at me.
17:43She is the one who told him to give you the finger.
17:46Oh, did she?
17:47Back off, buddy.
17:47She's with me.
17:48I don't think she is.
17:49Would somebody please just punch me in the face?
17:54Enough!
17:55None of these are problems.
17:56I'm the only one of us with a problem, okay?
17:59I'm supposed to be grooving out to Maroon 5 with Colin Farrell right now.
18:03Instead, a snake is doing it.
18:05Okay?
18:05So everybody just calm down.
18:07All right?
18:08You got it?
18:08Tattoo guy.
18:10Huh?
18:10Mercedes guy.
18:11Huh?
18:12Judo man.
18:13Guy who was sitting in the back of Judo Man's truck for no apparent reason.
18:16I was watching a DVD.
18:21You got a DVD in there?
18:28I can't believe I found you.
18:32Alex?
18:32You wanted a motorcycle.
18:34I got you a motorcycle.
18:36You call this a motorcycle?
18:39Do you know what I had to go through to get you this?
18:42I had to borrow it from the cleaning lady at our office who hates me, even though I have
18:46been nothing but nice to her.
18:48On the way here, I have been yelled at, sworn at, hawked at, and I lost my shoe.
18:55What if that's none of a motorcycle for you that I guess I can take it back?
18:58No, no, no.
18:58It's great.
18:59It's great.
18:59It's great.
18:59I love it.
19:00I love it.
19:00Yeah.
19:00You're damn right you do.
19:03Okay.
19:03All right.
19:04Here.
19:04Call Bobby and tell her I'm on my way.
19:06Wait.
19:07The helmet.
19:07No, I'm not wearing that.
19:08Safety bar!
19:09Okay.
19:10Okay.
19:10Okay.
19:10All right.
19:11Wish me luck.
19:12Bye-bye.
19:13Joey.
19:13Bye-bye.
19:40Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Joey Tribbiani.
20:10Joey, please welcome Joey Tribbiani.
20:21Joey, you look great.
20:26So how long do you hug him for?
20:30Oh, it goes on for quite a while.
20:33In about a minute, Colin Farrell comes out to try to peel me off him.
20:37But you were on The Tonight Show.
20:39Yeah, I was on The Tonight Show.
20:41Oh, oh, see right there where Jay kind of shakes his head at me?
20:44Is that where you call him Johnny?
20:45That is where.
20:47Pass that! Yes, sir!
Comments