Toughest Indian Cop   Max Amini   Stand Up Comedy - video Dailymotion

Fun Time

Toughest Indian Cop   Max Amini   Stand Up Comedy

Transcript

00:00What are you doing?

00:02What?

00:03It's my birthday!

00:05Oh my god!

00:07That's beautiful!

00:09Happy birthday, sweetheart!

00:11What I love, birthday girl!

00:14Everybody in this room

00:16should have that energy right there.

00:17I swear.

00:22In life,

00:24everybody gotta make

00:26the best out of any situation.

00:28And you gotta love people.

00:30You gotta love people.

00:32I don't like when people say,

00:33I don't like people.

00:33You know, you meet these people like,

00:34I don't like people.

00:35I don't like humans.

00:37Why?

00:37People are amazing.

00:39And every human's amazing.

00:40Yeah?

00:41You gotta love people.

00:42You gotta love the differences.

00:45You gotta love weird people.

00:47Yeah?

00:47And you gotta love people

00:48that are different than you.

00:50Yeah?

00:50This is the biggest learning...

00:52Okay.

00:55Oh, she's gonna fall down for real.

00:58Do you do a lot of drugs?

01:03Three shots?

01:05Two shots?

01:06I have a baby at home.

01:07You do?

01:09Who's taking care of your baby?

01:11Dad.

01:12Okay.

01:13All of us are moms.

01:15All of you guys are moms.

01:17Guess who doesn't give a shit?

01:18Do me a favor.

01:23Don't fall off the balcony, okay?

01:26We don't want to have your birthday

01:28and your funeral at the same time.

01:34Wow, you look incredible.

01:36You look fabulous.

01:37Is that why you're late?

01:38Is it the...

01:39Is it the...

01:40Is it the...

01:41Is it the...

01:42Is it the...

01:43And then look at you.

01:43Your husband didn't even wear shit.

01:46This guy...

01:48Left the bedroom

01:49with the same shirt

01:50he had on this morning

01:51at 10 o'clock.

01:53This lady is going

01:54to a Maximini wedding.

01:56It's not my wedding.

01:57It's just my comedy show.

01:59You're not the husband either?

02:04Wait a minute.

02:06You're not her husband?

02:08Oh, I'm sorry.

02:09I didn't...

02:09Are you the driver?

02:11Oh, nice to meet you.

02:16You're the Uber driver.

02:17Oh, what a nice lady.

02:18She took the Uber driver inside.

02:20So what's the relationship?

02:23Nothing?

02:24Oh, you think

02:25that we're going to believe you

02:27with nothing?

02:27You think nothing

02:28is going to make me go,

02:29Oh, okay, nothing.

02:29But let me move on.

02:32Nothing?

02:33Just a driver.

02:35Very good-looking driver you are,

02:37you know?

02:37Very sexy driver.

02:39Very sweaty, sexy.

02:42How are you driving, my friend?

02:48You're the loudest Indian

02:49in the world, by the way.

02:51Oh, there you are.

02:53These lights are so heavy.

02:55What's your name?

02:56Mandy.

02:58Mandy.

02:59Oh, Mandy.

03:00Oh, that's easy.

03:01Mandy.

03:02Okay, what kind of Indian drugs

03:04are you on?

03:06You're very intense for an Indian.

03:08You sure you're Indian

03:09or you're a white girl

03:09pretending you're Indian?

03:11I've not seen one Indian

03:13in my entire life

03:13act like you.

03:15Mandy, you're actually fun.

03:16Don't get offended, yeah?

03:17But you're crazy.

03:19No, sit down the whole time.

03:22This is not a rock and roll concert.

03:25You did not have to do some ecstasy

03:27before you come to the show.

03:30I bet you she doesn't have a job,

03:32this one.

03:32You have a job?

03:34I'm a cop.

03:35You're a cop?

03:37Is that what she said?

03:39She's a cop?

03:40Oh, shit.

03:47Are you really a cop

03:49or are you just

03:49multiple personality disorder?

03:52Are you playing cop right now?

03:55Are you really a police officer?

03:57How did you pass the exam?

03:59The psychological exam.

04:01How did you do that shit?

04:03I mean, I cannot believe

04:04you became a cop.

04:05You're too excited.

04:06You're going to fucking kill somebody.

04:09Can you imagine somebody

04:10not listening to this one?

04:11I will get arrested.

04:12Put your hands on the ground, bitch.

04:19I like this Egyptian guy.

04:21Never seen an Egyptian

04:21with this good attitude.

04:23Usually, Egyptians speak pride.

04:24I want you.

04:26We have pyramids.

04:28Pyramids.

04:29Pyramids.

04:30We pyramid.

04:31Pyramids.

04:32Egyptians.

04:33We invented paper.

04:35Paper.

04:36Paper, Habibi.

04:36We invented paper.

04:38Time, we invented Habibi.

04:39That's why we're never on time.

04:43That's great.

04:43You're dating an Iranian?

04:45Yeah.

04:46How long?

04:47Four months.

04:48Four months?

04:48Wow, how's it going so far?

04:49You met her parents already?

04:52I didn't lose my brain yet.

04:53What?

04:54I didn't lose my brain yet.

04:55You didn't lose your brain yet.

04:57Habibi, take it easy.

04:58You're all the Iranians here.

05:00You didn't lose your brain.

05:02Why would you lose your brain?

05:03Asshole.

05:04You thought she was a...

05:06Want to lose your brain?

05:07You're so lucky.

05:08Look how beautiful she is.

05:09Fuck you.

05:10You lose your brain.

05:11You lose your brain, you asshole?

05:13You lose my brain.

05:17Women like freedom.

05:22This is the Iranian way.

05:26You're going to lose your brain tonight.

05:33Buddy, what kind of piss you had to take in the middle of the most important part of the

05:36show you got off?

05:37There was a make-out scene and you're like, I don't care.

05:40I'm going to peace.

05:43You missed the most epic part of the show.

05:46Isn't that that much of an emergency, bro?

05:49You're a big guy too.

05:50You got up, the whole theater emptied.

05:54What's your name?

05:55Jihad.

05:56Jihad?

05:57Oh, buddy, take it easy.

06:00Thank you so much.

06:03You can leave anytime you like.

06:06We want to make peace with you.

06:09My name is Allahu Akbar.

06:12Take it easy, okay?

06:15Why?

06:15Why did you even show up tonight?

06:18You're scaring everybody.

06:22You kept your name.

06:24Wow.

06:25How do you live in Canada?

06:29Who gives a job to this guy?

06:30Hi, what's your name?

06:31Jihad.

06:33Can you imagine this guy working customer service?

06:35Hello, thank you for calling Tim Horden.

06:36This is Jihad speaking.

06:40Is that your real birth name?

06:44No?

06:47His name was like Majid.

06:48He's like, not good enough.

06:50He's going around like, my name is Majid.

06:52Can you say, oh, nice to meet you.

06:53Oh, it doesn't scare them.

06:56I'm going to change it to Jihad.

07:02You look like an Iranian poet.

07:05Really, a modern version.

07:07What do you do?

07:10Mortgages.

07:10But why are you so secretive about it?

07:18Can I be honest with you?

07:20Look around you.

07:22They all do mortgages.

07:23He thinks he's so special.

07:32Mortgages.

07:36Stop acting so cool.

07:37If you don't want to play, don't buy a VIP ticket.

07:39It's in the front.

07:40You're uncomfortable?

07:41Go sit in the balcony.

07:44Mortgages.

07:46Mortgages.

07:46You've been to my show before.

07:50And you give me shit for that?

07:53Guess who wants me to pick on him right now?

07:54The guy next to you.

07:56I can tell.

07:58He is waiting.

07:58He's like, oh.

08:04Calm down.

08:06How much cocaine did you do before you get here?

08:09How much cocaine did you do before you get here?

08:10How much cocaine did you do before you get here?

08:11How much cocaine did you do before you get here?

08:12How much cocaine did you do before you get here?

08:13How much cocaine did you do before you get here?

08:14How much cocaine did you do before you get here?

08:15How much cocaine did you do before you get here?

08:16How much cocaine did you do before you get here?

08:17How much cocaine did you do before you get here?

08:18How much cocaine did you get here?

08:19How much cocaine did you get here?

08:20How much cocaine did you get here?

08:21How much cocaine did you get here?

08:22How much cocaine did you get here?

08:23How much cocaine did you get here?

08:24How much cocaine did you get here?

08:25How much cocaine did you get here?

08:26How much cocaine did you get here?

08:27How much cocaine did you get here?

Toughest Indian Cop Max Amini Stand Up Comedy

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