00:00Please go crazy and welcome to the stage, the wonderful Trevor Noah!
00:13Good evening.
00:16Or not.
00:20Sorry, I get nervous when I start a comedy set.
00:25I find comedies very similar to sex for me.
00:30Well, it's exactly like sex when you think about it.
00:32You know, just me, the comedian, playing the role of the man.
00:35You, the audience, the role of the woman.
00:38Because it's my job to satisfy you.
00:42And you just have to sit there.
00:48And then, just like sex, my success or failure is somehow determined by how much noise you make
00:56during my performance.
00:59Oh, you're just faking it now. Thank you.
01:03It's a one-sided affair.
01:06So, I hope you aren't the quiet types.
01:10No, no, you were great, really.
01:20It makes it worse when a guy laughs in the middle of it.
01:26It's not meant to be funny.
01:29This is my first time in Australia, and I must say I'm enjoying it.
01:33After two days of traveling to get here, I finally arrived, and it's quite a quaint place.
01:40It wasn't supposed to take me that long. We were delayed.
01:43First delay was, I got to the airport in Johannesburg.
01:46I was on a Qantas flight, and they said, sorry, sir, there's a bit of a delay.
01:50I said, how long? They said, 24 hours.
01:53I said, well, that's not a delay, that's cancellation.
01:56So, that's another day.
01:57So, they said, come back tomorrow.
01:58I came back the next day, and then we tried it again, and this time we were on the plane.
02:01And then there was another delay of about four to five hours where we were stuck on the tarmac,
02:05and the plane couldn't take off because the airplane wasn't balanced.
02:09I've never heard of that in my life.
02:12That's what the pilot said, and, like, because he's a pilot, we believe him.
02:16He just said it.
02:18Because the pilot sounds serious when they're saying it.
02:20He came on and said, ladies and gentlemen, I've got a bit of a problem on the plane.
02:23I don't know what's going on.
02:25It seems like it's not balanced, but we'll have to check on what's going on,
02:29and we'll get back to you as soon as we know.
02:33And I won't lie.
02:38As soon as he said that, I looked at the fat people.
02:42But not in a bad way.
02:44Not in a bad way.
02:45Just in an objective manner.
02:47Like, hey, you guys, you can't sit together.
02:50You can either sit on the plane.
02:53Probably you.
02:54It's probably you.
02:59Speaking of fat people, is Biggest Loser the biggest show in Australia?
03:03That's all I see on TV is The Biggest Loser.
03:06I love that show.
03:07It's fantastic.
03:07It's always on TV.
03:09What a fantastic show.
03:09For those who don't know, The Biggest Loser is a show where they try and help fat people lose weight
03:14through torture, basically.
03:17Yes, both emotional and physical.
03:20Yeah.
03:20They do horrible things like leaving food in the house that they're living in, then ask them why they're eating
03:25it.
03:25Why did you eat the food, Kevin?
03:27Why did you eat the food?
03:28Because it was there and he's fat.
03:30That's what he does.
03:32That's like his specialty.
03:33You knew this before he came.
03:35Why are you now acting shocked?
03:38They should do a show about the people that make the show and call them the biggest assholes.
03:42That's what they should say.
03:44That show's not helping anybody.
03:47I love it.
03:49What an amazing show.
03:51But yeah, so we were flying.
03:53So we flew.
03:53So we flew from Johannesburg to Sydney.
03:56Sydney, you come in and then you have to leave the airport and then go back into the airport to
03:59fly.
04:00You go through border control.
04:01Very friendly.
04:02I must say Australia.
04:03I'm very impressed.
04:03Very friendly border control.
04:04You guys are very chilled out.
04:05Very cool.
04:06Like visas.
04:07Not really like needed sort of.
04:09It is, but not like the...
04:10Do you have your visa?
04:11No.
04:13You know?
04:14I learned the secret to getting through from a few Chinese men that were ahead of me is that you
04:18just have to irritate the border police.
04:20And then they just let you in.
04:21There's a guy ahead of me.
04:23And the woman was asking him,
04:24Excuse me, sir.
04:24Where are you going to be staying in Australia?
04:26No.
04:26Where are you staying?
04:27Kangaroo.
04:27Kangaroo.
04:28Kangaroo.
04:29No, sir.
04:29Where are you staying?
04:30Kangaroo.
04:31Kangaroo.
04:32No, sir.
04:33You can't.
04:33No.
04:33It's not like, where are you going to be staying?
04:35Kangaroo.
04:36Kangaroo.
04:36All right.
04:37Just go in.
04:37Just go in.
04:38Just go in.
04:39I just came in.
04:40And he was just like...
04:41It was fantastic.
04:43It was fantastic.
04:44Yes.
04:44And he had this look when he got to the other side.
04:46Like it works every time.
04:47Just, you know?
04:48This knowing look about him.
04:50So we...
04:51You come in.
04:52And it seems too easy.
04:53Because it is.
04:54Because the border control is very chilled.
04:56But then you get like to the customs.
04:57Which is the most hardcore place in the world.
05:00I don't know what the hell happened in Australia.
05:02But you guys need to chill out when it comes to fruit.
05:06People are standing there being strip shirts.
05:08Where did you get the apple?
05:10I don't care if you can't speak English.
05:12You're gonna spend a week in quarantine mate.
05:14Where did you get the apple?
05:16I don't care.
05:17I don't care.
05:17Where's the apple from?
05:20You see people.
05:21It's like...
05:22There was a guy that was stopped for weed.
05:23Is that marijuana?
05:24Well don't do it again.
05:25But you with the apple?
05:27Back to where you came from.
05:32What did fruit do to your country?
05:36It's such a weird place getting used to Australia.
05:39Because you finally come in.
05:40And then you can't understand anybody.
05:41You really really can't.
05:42Because you guys say you speak English.
05:44But it's not.
05:45It's like you try.
05:47But then I couldn't tell.
05:48Sometimes it actually sounds like it's Chinese.
05:50I used to hear people making jokes.
05:51Oh there's all these Chinese.
05:52But then when you come.
05:52You don't know if the Australians are Chinese.
05:54Or not Chinese.
05:55Because it sounds the same to me.
05:56Especially like a very deep Australian accent.
05:58Like people say things.
05:59Oh yeah.
05:59How you go?
06:00Oh yeah.
06:00Oh.
06:02Ni hao.
06:03Oh anyhow.
06:05Oh yeah.
06:06Shishi ni.
06:07Shishi.
06:08Ni hao.
06:09I don't know what's going on here man.
06:10This is very.
06:11And then the phrases I do understand don't make sense.
06:13Like positive phrases.
06:14Like apparently.
06:15Apparently she'll be right.
06:16I don't know who she is.
06:17And how she applies to me.
06:19But this is very important to say in Australia.
06:22You also feel it's very important to tell everybody that you have no worries.
06:25Yeah.
06:25This is.
06:26I didn't ask you about your life's philosophy.
06:28I just asked you how you were on the day.
06:30And you're like oh no worries.
06:31No worries.
06:31Really?
06:32Not even one?
06:32Not even one worry?
06:33Really Australia?
06:34Are things that good here?
06:35Not even one?
06:36Not even prostate cancer?
06:37Not even one?
06:38Not even North Korea?
06:40Because those guys are close.
06:41I'm just saying.
06:42Not even one worry?
06:44Yeah.
06:44And the strangest one and this is something I've learned which I wish you would teach people
06:48before they come is the correct answer to the phrase how you going is not by aeroplane.
06:54I feel it's strange to ask people this when they are travelling.
06:57I was flying with Sydney and then we were going to Melbourne and I got to the counter
07:01and I said to the woman hi I'm going to Melbourne please.
07:03And she said oh yeah?
07:04How you going?
07:05I said by aeroplane.
07:08That is why I've chosen this building over here to be travelling in.
07:13And she said no no I was greeting you.
07:15And I said oh no worries.
07:17You guys have been great.
07:18Thanks for having me.
07:20Have a good night.
07:23For one hour!
07:27Give it up.
07:28As one.
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