- 2 days ago
Live at the Apollo - Season 20 Episode 1 -
Christmas Special
Christmas Special
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Josh Whittaker!
00:30I'm a big Christmas fan. I'm a big Christmas fan. There's places you have to draw the line.
00:48Have we got any of these grown-ups in the room that have the chocolate advent calendars?
00:54I've got a friend. He's 34. He had the chocolate advent calendar last year. He said to me,
01:04I finished it by December 3rd. I got overexcited. You're 34. You can afford a Twix. Have yourself
01:12a lion bar. You're earning. But now you get these grown-up advent calendars. Have you seen
01:17this? You've got the gin advent calendar. By December 3rd, you've lost your job.
01:24What a way to cover up a problem that is. No, I'm not an alcoholic. I've just got the
01:30gin advent calendar. I'm not a drug addict. I've just got the MDMA advent calendar. Celebrating
01:37the birth of Jesus by dancing from 7am. There's the pets advent calendar. Have you seen this?
01:46Just to be clear, that is an advent calendar for your pet. It's not a different pet each
01:50day. By Christmas Eve, your house looks like Dr Doolittle's. No, my friend, they've got
01:56an advent calendar for their dog. It's a dog. They couldn't give a shit. Dogs don't celebrate
02:02religious festivals. Do you want a boney? Oh, no. Sorry, mate. It's Ramadan. My friend told
02:11me there's such a thing as the sex toys advent calendar. No, at that time in the morning.
02:18No, thank you very much. What if you go away for a few days? You have to do one of those
02:23catch-up mornings. First day back at work. Sorry I'm late. You wouldn't believe the morning
02:29I've just had. Let's just say it was festive. The worst advent calendar I ever got. I don't
02:37want to make this too bleak. But one year when I was a kid, my mum got me the non-chocolate
02:44just picture advent calendar. Hello, is that child line? Pick up your ears, Esther. You're
02:50not going to believe this one. No child wants that. No child's going to school. What did
02:56you get? Chocolate? Unlucky, I got a painting of a shepherd. Do you know what's never happened?
03:02No child's ever got to December the 3rd and opened all the pictures on their advent calendar.
03:06Oh, once you've seen one picture of a pregnant woman on a donkey, you can't stop yourself, mate.
03:11The chocolate advent calendar is for grown-ups. You get these people, though. I had a meeting
03:17with my accountant the other day. 50-year-old man in a suit, right? In the space of an hour,
03:23he had two hot chocolates. 50-year-old man in a suit. Sorry, are you the child from Big?
03:29His assistant came in. She said, what do you want? He said, I'll have a hot chocolate.
03:33He said to me, do you want one as well? I said, no. No, because last time I checked,
03:37this was a business meeting. Not a fireworks display. Yeah, go on, I'll have a toffee apple as
03:44well. Let's enjoy ourselves. It's very exciting Christmas. I like to get
03:49all the deliveries. Very excited with the Christmas deliveries. Having stuff
03:52delivered has changed now. We're aware of this. I don't know when we made this
03:55deal. The deal has changed. It used to be, in exchange for a parcel, I sign my
04:00name, but now the rules have changed, haven't they? Now, the rule is, in
04:04exchange for them giving me a parcel, they get to take one photograph of my feet.
04:09Did you just pat my feet? I don't know what's going on here. They go, yeah, that's how we
04:18recognise you. I haven't got particularly recognisable feet. I'd say of the people
04:22on the last leg, I've got the least recognisable feet.
04:28Yeah, that's right. Start by clapping the disability joke. I found your level.
04:34I'm going to get a farmhouse door. That's what I'm going to get. That'll show them. Just answer the door. What are you going to do now?
04:41I don't know if any of you are foot fetishists. I haven't got a problem. I'm not here to kink shame you. What I'll say. Get a job for DPD, mate. You go home with that little camera. There's 600 feet on there. You'll be red raw by morning.
04:57This isn't the first Christmas TV show I've done last year. I don't know if you're aware of this. I did the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special.
05:09I don't know if you saw it. I got a 10 from Anton Dubeck. Is he the toughest judge? Yes, he is. Don't look it up.
05:16I had the lowest moment of my career on the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special, which was basically, we all had to meet up to do the dance, to learn this group dance, right?
05:26And we all got there, right? And all the dancers, and we started learning the dance, and I was the worst of all the celebrities. And all the dancers, to be fair. I was the worst.
05:39And I was like, this isn't how it was meant to play out. I thought I was... I thought I'd be middle, because I thought...
05:44I was like, there's always, like, a shit middle-aged bloke like Adrian Childs. Where's he? And then I thought, oh, fuck.
05:54I'm Adrian Childs. I'm the shit middle-aged bloke. But that's the age I've reached. Like, I've reached the age where I went to the optician recently, right?
06:04This was a low moment, right? I did the eye test. She said, your glasses are fine. And then she said...
06:09I couldn't believe this. She said, just a little tip. Have you considered going for a bigger font on your phone?
06:20A bigger font? I said, no, I haven't, because I'm not 900 years old.
06:24She might as well have gone. Here's a little tip. Have you considered dragging your belongings in a tartan trolley?
06:30Because have you seen these old pricks with a big font on their phone reading a text message like that?
06:39One letter a line like it's the OXO Tower?
06:43The only thing you can see from space are my grandad's texts. That's the only thing you can see from space.
06:50That's the oldest person thing you can do on a phone, apart from having your phone in a leather book-like case.
06:57And then, not knowing why, when you're taking a photo, you can't see because you've folded it around.
07:12Disabled people and old people, you've got a real taste for who you hate, haven't you?
07:16Have you considered going for a bigger font on your phone?
07:20She might as well have said, here's a little tip, have you considered putting a handkerchief up your sleeve?
07:26And getting it out every half an hour and blowing your nose louder than anyone's ever blown their nose?
07:32And then putting it back up your sleeve?
07:35And then once a day, getting it out and rubbing a child's face with it?
07:38LAUGHTER
07:42That's what old people do!
07:44What, are we blaming the bat for Covid, really?
07:51Also, it's a lazy optician, isn't it?
07:54Yeah, that's your glasses, fine. No, just go bigger font on your phone.
07:58That's your job!
07:59She might as well have gone, hey, can't you just stand nearer to things? Come on, mate, meet me halfway.
08:05The other one she offered me, I was livid.
08:08It was a sunny day, I turned up in sunglasses, she said, are they prescription?
08:12I said, yes. She said, oh, here's a tip.
08:14Have you considered getting these glasses, right, that respond to the light?
08:20And I said, no.
08:22No, cos if you aren't aware of these glasses, they are brilliant, right?
08:25The way they work is, when it's a winter's day, they look like normal glasses.
08:30And then when it's bright sunlight, you look like a paedophile.
08:38That's how it works.
08:39Oh, they change, just one little bit, just enough, so that no-one stands near you on the bus, that's it.
08:44Do not wear a long coat on a sunny day, that's how it works.
08:51You watch a lot of cosy TV at Christmas, so I did a show called Who Do You Think You Are?
08:56If you aren't aware of this show, you basically research your family tree, right?
09:00And it's very exciting, cos you don't know where you're going to go.
09:03And I phoned my agent beforehand, I was like, where am I going to go?
09:05She said, I can't tell you, I can't tell you.
09:07She said, but if, just a quick question, if hypothetically you were filming in Luton,
09:12would you want to stay over?
09:14And I've stayed in some bad places.
09:15I stayed in a motorway services hotel recently, I don't know if you've stayed in one of these places.
09:19My main issue with it is the people that work there, they don't seem to be aware of where they work.
09:25I turned up at 11pm at this motorway service station hotel at Fleet Services, right?
09:30I turned up and I said, I've got a room booked under Josh Widdicombe.
09:34And he said, how many nights is it for?
09:38What, on motorway services? How many do you think?
09:40Do you think I'll get everything done in a week? I was planning on staying for five nights.
09:45There's just so much to enjoy here.
09:48Cos tomorrow morning I was planning on buying a mobile phone case next to a toilet,
09:53that's how I'm going to start my day.
09:55Then I'm going to use two fruit machines behind a velvet rope that you're calling a casino.
09:59And then I'm going to get in Thomas the Tank Engine's van and do that for an hour.
10:08I stayed in this place, they had a...
10:11It was a downstairs hotel, have you ever stayed in a downstairs hotel room next to a car park?
10:16Do not do what I do, get out of the shower, open the curtains, you are basically dogging.
10:20LAUGHTER
10:23They had an iron in there, an iron, I've never seen this before, it had no features.
10:28It's just a piece of iron with a handle, I was like, where have I seen this?
10:31The answer, Monopoly.
10:33LAUGHTER
10:35I don't want loads of features on an iron, I just want a dial,
10:39whatever I'm ironing, I'm turning up full blast.
10:42If it's delicate, I'm just moving the iron faster, let's be honest with you.
10:45And I want a button that fires out steam and occasionally, for no reason, cocaine.
10:51LAUGHTER
10:53That's always a weird moment, isn't it?
10:54Whoa, have I got Pete Docher's iron? What's going on here?
10:59But they don't know where they were, this guy.
11:01The second question, he said, how many nights are you staying for?
11:03And I said, one.
11:05And he said then, he said, and I'm going to need your number plate if you've driven.
11:09If you've driven?
11:11And fleet services?
11:13No, I got the train to Reading and then walked down the central reservation, thank you very much.
11:17LAUGHTER
11:19I've just read such good reviews of the place.
11:28I've walked past 25 hotels to get here.
11:32LAUGHTER
11:33But I did Who Do You Think You Are? Watch it this Christmas.
11:35It's a great episode.
11:36They said it was a good episode.
11:38I stand by it.
11:39It is the closest they've ever had to royal...
11:42This was the words of the producer, off camera.
11:44It is the closest run we've ever had to a proper royal since Alexander Armstrong.
11:50But in his words, he doesn't count because he's already posh as fuck.
11:54LAUGHTER
11:55I, it turned out, am the 15 times great-grandson of Henry the Eighth.
12:04Yeah, Henry the M-F-ing Eighth. You're impressed now, aren't you?
12:09I tell you what, since that news has come out, my wife supped her again.
12:12LAUGHTER
12:16But I said to her, it's not you that needs to be worried, it's my second, fourth and fifth wives that need to be shitting themselves.
12:20LAUGHTER
12:30But this is what they said to me.
12:31They said, you're related to Henry the Eighth.
12:33I was like, wow.
12:34The next question baffled me.
12:35They said, you're related to Henry the Eighth?
12:37I said, wow.
12:38And then they said, did you ever suspect?
12:43What, there was that time I ate a whole grouse?
12:46Yes!
12:47LAUGHTER
12:48And there was that weekend I started my own branch of Christianity.
12:51That was a weird one.
12:52Do you know what?
12:53Whenever I went to Burger King and put on that cardboard crown, I did feel like me.
12:57LAUGHTER
13:01And then they said, and then they said, here's a little fact.
13:04If the right 374 people died, and I thought, this is a bleak fact.
13:09They said, if the right 374 people died, you would be king.
13:13LAUGHTER
13:14And I said, no, if the right 374 people died, I would be the prime suspect in a murder inquiry.
13:19LAUGHTER
13:28I'm proud of it, Henry the Eighth.
13:30And then it turns out, people like, don't like Henry the Eighth.
13:33People think he's a shit.
13:34And I'm like, you can't do that.
13:36He's family, mate.
13:37I can slag him off.
13:38You can't slag off my family.
13:39LAUGHTER
13:40He's the best Henry.
13:41Apart from Henry the Hoover, I'll give you that.
13:43LAUGHTER
13:44What a reveal that would have been.
13:46Here's your grandad.
13:47Do you recognise this noise?
13:48Vrrr...
13:49LAUGHTER
13:50LAUGHTER
13:53But Christmas is about kids.
13:54I've got young kids.
13:55I've got seven and four.
13:56That's what Christmas is about.
13:57And being a kid has changed since I was...
13:59Since I was a kid.
14:00Like, the terminology's changed.
14:02When I was a kid, it was called going to play at a friend's house.
14:04Going round a mate's house.
14:05Now they've changed it to, um, play dates.
14:10Do you want a play date?
14:11I'm going to say it.
14:12It's too sexual as a terminology for my test.
14:15The first time I heard that, one of the mums came up to me outside nursery.
14:18She said, are you Josh?
14:19I said, yeah.
14:20She said, do you fancy a play date on Saturday?
14:22I was like, here we bloody go.
14:23LAUGHTER
14:24The big man's back in town.
14:26Henry the Eighth's genes run strong in this one.
14:30LAUGHTER
14:31Yeah, why not? Yeah.
14:33She was like, I was thinking 10am.
14:34I was thinking, a bit early for my tastes.
14:36LAUGHTER
14:37Well, you've got to get through that sex toys advent calendar somehow, haven't you?
14:40LAUGHTER
14:41She said, if it was a nice day, we could go out in the garden.
14:44Absolutely not.
14:45LAUGHTER
14:48I still... You go to kids' parties.
14:50The kids at kids' parties are obsessed with party bags.
14:54It was my daughter's birthday, right?
14:56They're still the same party bags, still the same.
14:58So, a kid came up to me and said, ten minutes in, when do the party bags come out?
15:02LAUGHTER
15:03Like he was going, have you got any coke?
15:05LAUGHTER
15:06Just fire up the iron, you'll find some, right?
15:08LAUGHTER
15:09He said, when do the party bags come out?
15:10And I said, you can have a party bag when you leave.
15:12And he said, could I go now?
15:14LAUGHTER
15:17Still the same, the party bags, still all the same stuff in it.
15:20The polystyrene plane that goes nowhere.
15:22The chop of chups that you need a blowtorch to unwrap.
15:25LAUGHTER
15:26A slice of cake that has been completely fucked by the napkin wrapped around it.
15:30LAUGHTER
15:31Oh, you enjoyed the icing, did you?
15:32Well, you're not getting any more of that, mate.
15:34LAUGHTER
15:35Just enjoy the shit sponge inside, there you go.
15:37LAUGHTER
15:38Temporary tattoos that last longer than actual tattoos.
15:41LAUGHTER
15:42My daughter had a unicorn on her forehead for six weeks.
15:46LAUGHTER
15:47Have you ever put them on yourself?
15:49My kids put them on me and then I'm stuck with it.
15:51And then I'd take my jacket off and people would go,
15:53I didn't know you have a tattoo, are you taking the piss?
15:56Yeah, I just love stegosauruses, actually.
15:58LAUGHTER
16:00Yeah, I'm a huge fan of diggers, so I got inked.
16:03LAUGHTER
16:05They're boozy as well, these kids' party, they're boozy.
16:08The adults, just to be clear, the adults, not the kids.
16:10LAUGHTER
16:11Turned up at one, 11.30am, and the mum answered the door,
16:14she said, I've already had half a bottle of Prosecco.
16:17Football focus hasn't even started.
16:19LAUGHTER
16:20She said, well, how else are you going to look after 20 kids?
16:22You're like, that's not how it works, mate.
16:24I don't know if you've ever done pick-up from school.
16:26Very rarely does a teacher come out and go,
16:28I've had six pints at lunchtime, mate.
16:30How else am I going to look after them? They're all here, aren't they?
16:33Well, there's more than this morning, if anything.
16:35LAUGHTER
16:37I've stopped drinking as well, said, then there's no respect.
16:40I turned up at one of these parties and said,
16:42have you got anything non-alcoholic?
16:44And she said,
16:46well, I can try and find something.
16:48A six-year-old's birthday pie!
16:50And then she went off and got a Robinson's fruit shoot.
16:53LAUGHTER
16:55Have you ever drunk a fruit shoot as an adult?
16:57It is gone in 0.7 of a second.
16:59She said, well, do you want another one?
17:01I was like, I'm not going to nail through all the kids' fruit shoots.
17:04Harsh kids running around me going,
17:06sorry, I had 16 fruit shoots.
17:08LAUGHTER
17:10Because you get no respect.
17:11You get no respect when you stop drinking.
17:13I tried to start...
17:15I went to a meal with my wife and she said,
17:17I'm going to have a cocktail.
17:18I thought, I'll have a non-alcoholic cocktail, right?
17:20I'll have a non-alcoholic cocktail.
17:22And I said to the waiter, where are the non-alcoholic cocktails?
17:25He said, well, here is our normal cocktails.
17:27And on this page, here's our virgin cocktails.
17:29What are you calling them, sorry?
17:30It's like, virgin cocktails.
17:32As if you're not insecure enough.
17:34Here's your pathetic little virgin cocktails
17:37for people that don't have sex.
17:39Yeah.
17:40And here's your cocktails for Papa Shaggers
17:41that can enjoy drinking.
17:43You're pathetic.
17:44Now, what have we got?
17:45We've got sex on the beach.
17:46That's what we've got.
17:47What have you got?
17:48Wanking at home alone.
17:49That's what your cocktail's called.
17:50You are a lovely audience.
17:59Are you ready for your first act?
18:01Well, let's bring them on.
18:06Please welcome to stage the incredible Andrew Mensah.
18:10Yes, Merry Christmas, Apollo.
18:28We well?
18:29It's great to be here.
18:31Don't worry, guys.
18:32I know, yeah.
18:33I look like a pint of Guinness.
18:34It's very, very bad.
18:35Don't worry.
18:36I look like I've been left out in the Christmas snow for too long.
18:41I haven't really dressed very festive, you know.
18:44I kind of look like a bad guy in a Christmas movie.
18:47That's kind of a smart attire today.
18:49Home alone in Croydon.
18:50That's what I'm calling it.
18:51You see me in a chimney, you in trouble, boy.
18:55You guys be dreaming of a black Christmas.
18:57That's how we call it.
18:59But no, Christmas time always reminds me of how mad life can be,
19:02because, like, me and my brothers, when it was Christmas time,
19:04we always used to watch Little Britain.
19:06And then, like, a few years ago,
19:07I ended up doing a show with Matt Lucas, which is crazy.
19:09And it's weird doing a show with Matt,
19:10because he's, like, a legit childhood hero of mine.
19:13But he's very down-to-earth, and he's very nice to me,
19:15and it makes me super uncomfortable how nice he is, right?
19:19So, we first got the show,
19:20we had to do, like, a few team bonding exercises.
19:22We went to the cinema to watch Barbie.
19:24I was buzzing to watch Barbie,
19:25so I was like, cool, let me go watch this.
19:26Get to the cinema.
19:27I don't know this yet,
19:28but he had already paid for the cinema tickets.
19:31And he was like, Andrew, tonight is on me.
19:33Like, just get whatever you want.
19:35I'm like, Matt, listen, brother,
19:36we're not on a date here.
19:37Do you understand?
19:38Like...
19:39Like, don't try and puff daddy me.
19:41I know how this game goes.
19:48I'm like, Matt, are you crazy?
19:49Like, you're famous.
19:50You can't just be blowing money on me in public.
19:52I'm like, what if, like, the Daily Mail are following you?
19:54Do you know what I mean?
19:55Cos you know the Daily Mail would do me dirty as well, innit?
19:59The headline would be
20:00Matt Lucas seen romantically out with Kevin Hart.
20:02Do you know what I mean?
20:03So I'm like...
20:04LAUGHTER
20:05So I'm like, man, you've got to do that.
20:08And before we went into the cinema,
20:10we were talking about different TV shows
20:12we loved growing up as a kid.
20:13So he's like, Andrew, what's your favourite TV show?
20:15He's trying to get me to say Little Britain, innit?
20:17But I just told him in the street,
20:19I said, my favourite TV show of all time
20:20is actually Loose Women.
20:22That's the greatest show ever made.
20:25I watch Loose Women every day, innit?
20:26And he couldn't believe it.
20:27He's like, why are you into it so much?
20:28I said, it's cos, like,
20:29I'm attracted to, like, older and bigger women, right?
20:31So he goes, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, chill out.
20:33I'm not looking too deep in the audience, don't worry.
20:35LAUGHTER
20:39But he's like, oh, you're into big women?
20:40Where does that come from?
20:41I was like, basically, I grew up in a black church, innit?
20:43So all the girls that sang in the choir, they were big,
20:45and they sang from the stomach up, very angelic.
20:47But the thing is, when they caught the Holy Ghost,
20:49start shaking, the titties just start bouncing,
20:51do you know what I mean?
20:52LAUGHTER
20:54Never left me, always stuck with me, do you know?
20:56He couldn't believe it.
20:57I was like, yeah, man, that's why you've got all the stick
20:58for doing blackface on Little Britain.
21:00I wasn't even that mad, cos, like,
21:01the big black woman you were playing, like,
21:03that's my type, bro, I can't even lie.
21:05LAUGHTER
21:06It's like, you're my first wank.
21:07I can't believe this, what I did.
21:09LAUGHTER
21:12APPLAUSE
21:14But my life has changed a lot since I got that show, man.
21:19Like, I'm officially middle class now.
21:22Feels good, man.
21:24Feels good to be amongst my people.
21:26Feels good.
21:27I'm middle class, man.
21:28Feels good, man.
21:29I play paddle every day.
21:30That's how my life is going, man.
21:33I was playing paddle last night with my friend Susan.
21:35LAUGHTER
21:37It's like, weird, halfway through the game, I'm like,
21:39yeah, I've got friends called Susan now, this is great.
21:42LAUGHTER
21:43But Susan's different, she was born middle class,
21:45so her lingo is different, I'm trying to catch up to her lingo,
21:48cos when she's talking, half the time I'm trying to decode,
21:51like, what she's actually saying to me, right?
21:54So after paddle, she's like, Andrew, you know it's very important
21:56that you protect your energy.
21:59I was like, what?
22:01Like...
22:02I'm like, Susan, what's going on?
22:03You're trying to shag me now?
22:04Like, this...
22:06Just show me the tease, I ain't got time for innuendos,
22:08let's get to her.
22:10LAUGHTER
22:12She was like, no, no, no, Andrew, you've got to protect your energy,
22:14and she started, like, burning, like, some wood thing,
22:17like, around me, innit?
22:19And I was so baffled, I was like, protect my energy,
22:21I've never even thought about that before, do you know what I mean?
22:23I grew up in South London,
22:24I was trying to protect my organs most of the time,
22:26you know what I'm saying?
22:28Like, that's a good life when your problems are all cerebral in that,
22:31innit? Like...
22:32She ain't got no practical issues, like the rent or immigration,
22:35so she's got to, like, pick her problems from that atmosphere and that,
22:38you know what I mean?
22:39LAUGHTER
22:40APPLAUSE
22:41But I've got to embrace it, man, it's who I am now, middle class,
22:42everything about me is middle class now, it's weird.
22:44Even my beliefs.
22:45I used to have poor beliefs, now I've got middle class beliefs,
22:46you know what I mean?
22:47I used to believe in God, now I believe in mental health and that,
22:48you know what I mean?
22:49LAUGHTER
22:50You know what I mean?
22:51I'm proper into mental health.
22:52I'm not quite like Susan though,
22:53Susan's like a mental health advocate,
22:54she's always, like, diagnosing me,
22:55like, no qualifications, just...
22:57..matcha, just...
22:58LAUGHTER
22:59Thank God, now I believe in mental health and that, you know what I mean?
23:06I'm not quite like Susan, though.
23:08Susan's like a mental health advocate.
23:10She's always, like, diagnosing me.
23:12Like, no qualifications, just...
23:19Susan basically said to me,
23:20what's happening is that I'm suffering from anxiety.
23:23She goes, like, anxiety's a very serious issue.
23:25I've got to go to therapy, I've got to talk about it,
23:28and anxiety can really eat you up, innit?
23:30And I agree with everything she's saying, innit?
23:32But I just don't want to be that guy that claims he has anxiety.
23:35Do you know what I mean? I just feel like right now,
23:37the market is a bit oversaturated, you know what I mean?
23:41It also feels like a very elitist mental health issue.
23:44Like, everyone I know that got anxiety is a mad privileged person.
23:47As I said, I'm from South London, no-one on my ends got anxiety.
23:50And, like, they really should, do you know what I mean?
23:53Like, they should.
23:54One of my boys has been stabbed seven times,
23:56he's still not scared, like, they just don't register in his brain.
23:59Takes the same alleyway home, he don't care, like...
24:02He even now works in IKEA,
24:04in the cutlery section, you get me?
24:08And he's not triggered, he's just good at his job.
24:10He's just like, yeah, get that knife in shock, trust me.
24:17I'm very liberal, I'm very...
24:18I'm very what they call woke.
24:20I'm a very woke guy.
24:22I'm very woke, man.
24:23It's long, though.
24:24Being woke is long, oh, my God.
24:26Honestly, cos, like, when I signed up for it,
24:28I didn't realise...
24:30For real, I didn't realise how many issues there were, innit?
24:32There's so many issues.
24:34And when you're woke, you've got to be on top of everything,
24:37so sometimes it feels like you can't enjoy your life,
24:39do you know what I mean?
24:40Like, even before you snort a line,
24:41you've got to check if it's fair trade and that, like, it's crazy.
24:52A few months ago, I snorted my first ever line, right?
24:55Obviously, my white friends came over, so they encouraged me.
25:02So, I took it, it was great, I was buzzing,
25:04I'm like, this is great, I'm gonna do this every day,
25:06like, Christmas time, this is gonna be incredible,
25:09do you know what I mean?
25:10But then my wokeness took over, I was like,
25:12Andrew, think about it, nah.
25:13That line was too pure, do you know what I mean?
25:15Someone defo died making this, so...
25:18So, I just felt mad guilty, I'd even end up going out,
25:20I was just coked up in my bedroom, just...
25:23..thinking of ways to make up for it, do you know what I mean?
25:26Had to get some woke points back, so the next day,
25:29I watched the women's football, innit, for balance,
25:31you know what I'm saying?
25:32No, I'm joking, just the highlights, innit, don't be silly, come on, let's be serious.
25:46I'm really struggling being woke, because right now,
25:48I just feel like I'm in between two sets of people, right?
25:51So I've got, like, my middle-class friends who are super woke,
25:54I'm trying to catch up to their level,
25:55but then I've got my childhood friends,
25:57a lot of my childhood friends are, like, hood guys,
25:59they've been in prison, they've been in gangs,
26:00so when I'm around them, I feel really responsible
26:03to be their social issues representative, innit?
26:07But obviously, they don't care about any of this woke stuff,
26:11cos, like, their mind is on criminal activity, do you know what I mean?
26:14Like, for real, it's hard to teach a man about pronouns
26:16when the car we're in is stolen.
26:18I mean, the lights is very hard to me.
26:21The other day, I'm trying to teach my boy
26:22about the dangers of transphobia, innit?
26:24We're getting in the car, mid-conversation,
26:26he starts hot-wiring the car.
26:29So I was baffled, I was like, bro, like, whose car is this?
26:31He was like, his, hers, days, I don't give a fuck, bro,
26:33let's get out of here.
26:41He was fuming, he was like,
26:42why are you talking about that political stuff
26:43when you know the mandem are chasing us?
26:45I'm like, bro, it's not mandem, it's daydem, bro,
26:48listen to what I'm saying.
26:52But then on the flip side, my middle-class friends here,
26:55they're always putting me under pressure, especially Susan,
26:57she's always asking me very deep, philosophical, black questions
27:01that I'm just not qualified to answer, do you know what I mean?
27:04I keep trying to tell her, listen, man's just black,
27:06I'm not Nelson Mandela, I don't know anything, do you know what I mean?
27:11She always asks me a very deep question one time, she's like,
27:13Andrew, I'm just doing some research as one of your allies,
27:16and I just want to know, like, on a day-to-day,
27:18how do you overcome white privilege, right?
27:26Honestly, I think I gave her a good answer, yeah?
27:28So I basically said, Suze, listen to me, like,
27:29I don't believe in white privilege, innit?
27:31So I've never lived my life thinking white people were superior to me,
27:34because I'm not sure about you guys,
27:35but I used to watch Jeremy Carl, right?
27:37And, um...
27:46As a young black kid, that show is very confusing, do you know what I mean?
27:49I remember being like,
27:50I just got stopped by the police for no reason,
27:52but this white stuff look kind of difficult too, innit?
27:54I remember even asking my mum,
27:56like, Mum, like, what?
27:57Like, do white people grow teeth or not?
28:00Like, is that a thing for them?
28:03Like, we need to donate £2 a month,
28:05because they're struggling over there, boy.
28:12I like to go and protest, that's my thing, innit?
28:14I'm a big protester, man.
28:16Yeah, man, yeah.
28:18It's basically, I go for long walks, innit?
28:19That's protesting.
28:20In this country, someone gets bombed somewhere across the world,
28:23we're like, cool, let's do it, 10,000 steps, let's go.
28:28But I like going on protests.
28:30To be honest, though,
28:31I don't really have a lot of respect for activism in the UK,
28:34because it's like, it's just too easy to be one here.
28:36Like, honestly, you get to a protest now,
28:38there's no resistance.
28:39Like, the police don't stop you,
28:41they give you bottles of water,
28:42they give you directions.
28:45So what's happened,
28:46it's made us activists a bit weak, innit?
28:48Because we ain't got a real opponent that we're fighting against.
28:51So a lot of the times when we protest,
28:52we just play it super safe,
28:54we just have, like, a street party with our friends,
28:56that's kind of, like, the vibe.
28:58We don't test ourselves.
28:59So I remember a few years ago,
29:00the World Cup was in Qatar, right?
29:02So people went up in arms
29:03because there are gay rights issues over there in the Middle East.
29:05So then Susan texts me, she goes,
29:06Andrew, listen, like, we're doing this, like,
29:08anti-Qatar World Cup gay rights march.
29:11Are you in?
29:12I'm like, yeah, I love the gays.
29:13Where is it?
29:14Soho?
29:15I'm like, hold on.
29:16Ain't Soho, like, the gay capital?
29:18Like, why are they marching in their own ends?
29:20That don't make no sense, like...
29:22Do you know what I mean?
29:24Like, gay rights marching from Soho?
29:25That's like me doing a Black Lives Matter march in Nigeria.
29:28Do you know what I'm saying?
29:29Do you imagine?
29:31Imagine me turning up in Lagos, like,
29:32yeah, man, we shall overcome.
29:34Don't be like, overcome who?
29:35It's just us here, bro.
29:36What are you talking about?
29:37It's just us and Stacey Dooley.
29:38There's no threat here.
29:39We're super safe.
29:40But I've got to go.
29:41You guys have been great, man.
29:42But honestly, like,
29:43I just feel like the world's going a bit mad, innit?
29:44So we've got to help as many people as we can.
29:46Do you know what I mean?
29:47But I do feel like people are really selfish with their issue.
29:49They kind of want you to focus on that.
29:51You know what I'm saying?
29:52You know what I'm saying?
29:53You know what I'm saying?
29:54You know what I'm saying?
29:55You know what I'm saying?
29:59You don't want to focus on the thing that's affecting them.
30:01So no matter how good you do,
30:02someone somewhere feels slighted
30:04because you're not focusing on them in that current moment, right?
30:07So me and Suze, we went to this diabetes awareness rally, yeah?
30:11She picks them, innit?
30:14So anyway, I'm at the rally with her.
30:17It was great.
30:18It was super educational about type 1 and type 2 diabetes.
30:20I'm super glad I went.
30:21But as I'm there,
30:22someone takes a picture of me at the rally
30:24and they put it on Instagram, yeah?
30:25Then some random person DMs me saying,
30:27Listen, Andrew, I've seen that you're at a diabetes awareness rally,
30:30but how come I've never seen you at a cancer research one?
30:33He goes, no, for real.
30:34He goes, I have cancer.
30:35Do people like me not matter to you?
30:37So this is what I said to this guy.
30:38I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
30:40I'm going to pray for you.
30:41But trust me when I tell you this,
30:42I'm not here on a Mother Teresa vibe, bro.
30:46I'm at the diabetes awareness rally
30:48because I'm attracted to big women.
30:50Do you understand?
30:51LAUGHTER
30:56Thank you, Andrew.
30:57Thank you, Andrew.
30:58Thank you, Andrew.
30:59Thank you, Andrew.
31:00Thank you, Andrew.
31:01Thank you, Andrew.
31:02Thank you, Andrew.
31:03Thank you, Andrew.
31:09Are you ready for your next Christmas present?
31:12Yeah.
31:13She's genuinely one of my favourite acts.
31:16She's absolutely brilliant.
31:18Please welcome to the wonderful Harriet Kemsley.
31:34Hello.
31:35Happy Christmas.
31:36How are you doing?
31:37Are we okay?
31:38Yes.
31:39It's very nice to be here.
31:42I've had a bit of a time the last couple of years.
31:44I had a big break-up.
31:46I think it's hard to be single at Christmas.
31:48I've been trying to do, like, nice things myself.
31:50Um, I recently, I went and I got my first ever massage.
31:54Uh, with a happy ending.
31:57Yeah.
31:58Pretty exciting, yeah.
32:00And the masseuse said it was the best hand job it ever had.
32:03LAUGHTER
32:05Yeah.
32:07And the most surprising.
32:09So we're doing okay.
32:11I've gone to this spa, you know, to try and feel good about myself.
32:14And I sat in the steam room on my own and I was like,
32:16yeah, you know what?
32:17I feel good.
32:18I'm starting to feel body confident.
32:20I think I'm ready to get back out there and date again.
32:22Just sat in this steam room on my own.
32:24And then the door of the steam room opened and this woman peered in
32:27and the steam cleared and she looked at me and she went,
32:29Tony?
32:30LAUGHTER
32:33And I was like, I'm not Tony!
32:35And then to be fair, I saw the guy afterwards, I guess it was Tony.
32:38Absolute spit.
32:39LAUGHTER
32:40Me and Tony separate of us.
32:42It was crazy.
32:43So, yeah, it feels bad to be single again.
32:46Like, last time I was single, I was in my early twenties.
32:49Like, now I'm well into my thirties, you know?
32:52So I'm single for the first of my life with things like self-esteem.
32:55It's crazy.
32:56Like, I remember in my early twenties,
32:58a guy turned up for a date on a moped and I was like,
33:01Jesus Christ, it's a businessman.
33:04LAUGHTER
33:05You know, my standards are so low.
33:07I got a pizza off the back.
33:08I was like, this is great, you know?
33:10Because dating is different now, it's different.
33:12My friend was telling me it's different.
33:14Like, you've got to know your type.
33:15Like, my friend, she's got a Labrador boyfriend, you know?
33:19That means he's like...
33:20Like, he's really enthusiastic like a Labrador.
33:22And that makes sense,
33:24because I've actually previously onlyvenated rescues.
33:27LAUGHTER
33:29Yeah, that's my type, yeah.
33:31I take them in, I give them a loving home
33:33and then they have to be destroyed.
33:35LAUGHTER
33:36Too bitey.
33:38LAUGHTER
33:39So my friend was like, right, if you want to meet someone,
33:41now you're a bit older, what you need to do
33:43is you need to go out in person, on your own to a bar,
33:45get dressed up, sit down,
33:47and try and get eye contact with a guy.
33:49And so I went to this bar and I sat down
33:51for what I will say was quite a while.
33:53And eventually I got eye contact with this guy
33:55and he was quite cute and I was like,
33:57oh, my God, it's happening.
33:58We were, like, looking at each other and I was like,
34:00oh, my God, and then he started to come over
34:02and I was like, it's happening.
34:03And then he went, oh, excuse me, is that seat taken?
34:05And I was like, no.
34:06And so we took it.
34:08LAUGHTER
34:11So I was nervous to get back out there.
34:13And my friend was like, Harriet, a heads up.
34:15Dating is different now.
34:16It's different out there.
34:17You don't know.
34:18A lot of you guys won't know this.
34:19You're happily in relationships.
34:20You won't know what it's like out there.
34:22My friend was like, Harriet, it's different.
34:24Men are into choking now.
34:25And I was like, what?
34:26And she was like, see ya.
34:28And I was like, oh, my God, what do you mean?
34:30And she was like, it's a fun thing.
34:31You just have to go with it.
34:32So I was like, oh, my God.
34:33It's the first time I went home with a guy.
34:35I was like, OK, you just got to go with it.
34:37Men are into choking.
34:38It's like a fun thing.
34:39You just got to go with it.
34:40And so I went home with this guy.
34:41It started to get hot and heavy.
34:43My friend was like, it's just a fun thing.
34:44You just got to go with it.
34:45You know, it started to get hot and heavy.
34:46And I was like, OK, you just got to go with it.
34:48Men are into choking.
34:49And so I swallowed a bit of Lego.
34:58Is this sexy?
35:02The rumors are true.
35:05I think people aren't always aware of it.
35:07Like, men aren't always aware of, like, what's going on in our heads.
35:10Like, I was in a taxi in the summer,
35:12and they've been talking a lot about drinks biking.
35:14And we were listening to this really inappropriate radio show
35:17about drinks biking.
35:18Just me and this oldie taxi driver.
35:20And he was like, oh, it's mad about all this drinks biking, isn't it?
35:23And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
35:25And he was like, it's crazy how they get away with it.
35:27And I was like, yeah, no, I know.
35:29And then he was like, oh, I forgot to ask.
35:31Would you like a bottle of water?
35:34I was like, no, absolutely not, no.
35:37I don't know.
35:38Do we have anyone here that's divorced?
35:40Give me a cheer.
35:42Yeah, we've got a few divorces in.
35:44Yeah, we've got a certain look, you know.
35:46We've seen some stuff.
35:47I'm trying to find, like, my divorce crowd, you know.
35:50I asked this one woman if she was divorced,
35:52and she said, yeah.
35:53And I was like, oh, cool.
35:54And she was like, well, not really.
35:56I'm widowed.
35:57And I was like, that's not the same thing.
35:59I was like, that's not the same thing at all.
36:01I was like, if anything, you've lost the best bit
36:02about getting divorced, you know,
36:04which is wishing their ex is dead.
36:07You lost that.
36:09I don't know about you guys.
36:11I got divorced quite recently.
36:13I got something called a no-fault divorce.
36:16It means you can do it quite quickly.
36:18It's called a no-fault divorce, but it is his.
36:22Yeah, it is his.
36:23Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:24There's nowhere to put that on the form, though,
36:26so I'm just having to perform at the Apollo at Christmas time
36:29just to let everyone know that it is his.
36:31Yeah, it is his.
36:33What's been really fun about my divorce
36:39is that nobody has said, oh, but you were so good together.
36:42Not a single person has said that.
36:44That's, uh, that's fun, isn't it?
36:46Yeah.
36:47People can be rude about divorce.
36:49I've had people say to my face,
36:50I just think divorce is too easy.
36:52Like, I think it's too easy.
36:53Like, I disagree.
36:55I think marriage is too easy, you know?
36:57You can get married drunk in Vegas.
36:59Like, I think you should be able to get divorced in Vegas.
37:02You know what I mean?
37:03Like, you go to Vegas with your partner, you get wasted,
37:05you look at each other and you think,
37:07we could do better.
37:10You know, then Elvis divorces you, you know?
37:11I think that would be fun.
37:12I think it would be fun.
37:13And he'd get it, you know?
37:14He had a difficult marriage, had a lot going on,
37:17and had a deal with his wife's puberty.
37:21You Elvis fans in?
37:22OK.
37:23So, yeah, it's, uh, I would love to get married again.
37:27I would.
37:28I would love to get married again.
37:29My ex, he proposed on Christmas Eve,
37:31and I just always thought that was so romantic.
37:34But a friend said to me,
37:35that's really unoriginal,
37:36like, everyone gets engaged at Christmas.
37:38And I was, like, so offended.
37:40I was like, when do you want me to get engaged
37:42so it's original?
37:43Remember, it's Sunday.
37:44You know, so he gets down on one knee at 10.59.
37:50Does it quickly and then just stares at me for one long silent minute.
37:57The best thing that's come out of the relationship is, um, my daughter.
38:00We have a wonderful daughter.
38:01And, um, that's the best thing.
38:03It's hard doing this job with a child, though.
38:05Um, we had to start using babysitters quite quickly.
38:08Um, so first time we had to use a babysitter,
38:10I was so worried.
38:11The babysitter was so sweet,
38:12but her English wasn't great.
38:14And I left and I was, like, crying.
38:15And then I was like, I know,
38:16I'll just message and check in and see how she's doing,
38:18and that'll make me feel better.
38:19I'll just message and say, like, is she sleeping?
38:21And that'll make me feel better.
38:22And so I messaged and I said, is she sleeping?
38:25And she replied, and I think she meant to say yes,
38:27but her English wasn't great, so what she wrote was,
38:29her eyes shut, she no move.
38:35And then she followed it up with the most terrifying message
38:37I've ever received.
38:38She angel now.
38:44And a little angel emoji.
38:45I was like, oh, my God, what do you mean?
38:49I think having a child does change your perspective.
38:52Like, I remember my mum saying to me
38:54that I was her greatest achievement,
38:56and I just thought, that is so sad.
38:59You know, particularly for my brother.
39:03But we had, um, my daughter,
39:04I had my daughter around Christmas time,
39:06and it was Christmas time around Covid,
39:08so it was a weird time to have her,
39:10and I was so worried she was going to get sick,
39:12like my little precious baby with her new immune system,
39:14and I took her back to Kemp for Christmas
39:16when she was only a few days old.
39:18And my mum, I think she was trying to be helpful,
39:21but what she said was, Harriet, don't worry about it, OK?
39:24The baby came out of your vagina,
39:26so she would have picked up a lot of bacteria from there.
39:36And I think she meant it nicely if it felt pointed, you know?
39:39When I had my daughter, and my waters didn't break,
39:43so she came out in the amniotic sack,
39:45but we didn't know that at the time,
39:47so she looked like an alien squidge.
39:49And so the midwife was with her father,
39:53and I said, oh, what does she look like?
39:55And he went, uh, don't worry about it, we'll see.
39:57I said, what do you mean, we'll see?
39:59And he was like, let's just get it out,
40:01and then we'll deal with it.
40:07I thought parenting would be more straightforward.
40:09Like, I thought it would be more linear.
40:11Like, we live in South London,
40:13on the border of quite a fancy area,
40:15and my daughter got invited recently
40:17to go to this, like, private gallery screening.
40:19It was, like, quite, um, quite posh.
40:21And we went along, and, um, all the toddlers sat down,
40:24and the lady said, as you can see,
40:26um, this lady is hanging out in a park.
40:29Where do you children like to hang out?
40:31And one of them put their hand up and said, Japan.
40:36Another one put their hand up and said, the Nile.
40:38And I was like, oh, my God, where would my daughter say?
40:40Like, where did we last hang out?
40:42And before I could stop her,
40:43she put her hand up and she went, all by one!
40:49So, yeah, it's been weird.
40:51It's been weird to date again.
40:53It's hard to date again.
40:54I had this trip over to Australia planned earlier in the year,
40:57and I was like, right, I'm going to try,
40:59and I'm going to date.
41:00That's what I'm going to do.
41:01I'm going to date.
41:02So I was at the airport before I went to Australia,
41:03just looking at all the condoms,
41:04and I was like, right, I'm going to get condoms.
41:06I'm a strong, independent lady.
41:08I'm going to buy condoms.
41:09But then they were all, like, the fun ones, you know?
41:11And I looked in the corner, there was the extra safe,
41:13and I was like, I'm a mother.
41:14I should really get extra safe.
41:16But then I bought them, and I googled it,
41:18and they're no safer than any other condoms.
41:20It's all a lie.
41:21The only reason that they're safer
41:23is that no one wants to fuck you
41:24when you turn up with extra safe condoms.
41:26Because you look like such a nerd.
41:29When you turn up, you're like,
41:31I've got extra safe, everybody!
41:33Not everybody.
41:34Not everybody.
41:35It's, I don't know.
41:39I do, I kind of wish I could just be
41:41a tiny little bit more like Bonnie Blue.
41:44Just a tiny little bit more like, you know?
41:47Because I'd get too attached.
41:48I'd get too attached, you know?
41:50I'd fall in love with number one.
41:52You know what?
41:53I think number two would be inside me,
41:56and I'd be like,
41:57did number one mention me on the way out?
41:59Do you think he's going to call?
42:02It's hard to stay body confident as well.
42:07Like, it's hard.
42:08There's so much pressure.
42:09Apparently, the average woman in America
42:11now spends $15,000 in her lifetime on make-up.
42:15Like, it's so much money,
42:16and like, what a waste on make-up, you know?
42:18Like, you could get two boob jobs for that.
42:20Yeah, they're nauseating your face, are they?
42:22No, no, no.
42:23They're looking at your six boobs.
42:25Four on the front, two on the back.
42:27Let's go.
42:28Pretty good time, I'm kidding me.
42:29You guys have been so nice.
42:30You never really know.
42:31I was standing outside my show the other night,
42:33and there was a woman wearing a Harvard jumper,
42:35and I was like, oh, my God.
42:36I don't know if my crowd and people went to Harvard.
42:37And I was like, did you go to Harvard?
42:38And she was like, no.
42:39And I was like, oh, thank God.
42:40Because my crowd isn't people who went to Harvard.
42:41But it is people who went to Harvard.
42:42And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
42:43And people.
42:44And people.
42:45Thanks so much, everybody.
42:46I hope you have a wonderful rest of your evening.
42:47Happy Christmas, everybody.
42:50Goodbye.
42:51Bye.
42:52Bye.
42:53Bye.
42:54Bye.
42:55Bye.
42:56Bye.
42:57Bye.
42:58Bye.
42:59Bye.
43:00Bye.
43:01Bye.
43:02Bye.
43:04Bye.
43:05Bye.
43:06Bye.
43:07Bye.
43:08Bye.
43:09Bye.
43:10Bye.
43:11Bye.
43:12Bye.
43:13Bye.
43:14Bye.
43:15Hear it,ingingon.
43:16It's光.
43:19みんな, it's光.
43:20Can we have a huge round of applause for Andrew Minter?
43:25Puigmann.
43:26passe.
43:28Merry Christmas.
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