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Live at the Apollo Season 20 Episode 1
#Live at the Apollo
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FunTranscript
00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Josh Whittaker!
00:30I'm a big Christmas fan. I'm a big Christmas fan. There's places you have to draw the line.
00:48Have we got any of these grown-ups in the room that have the chocolate advent calendars?
00:55PATHETIC. I've got a friend, he's 34, he had the chocolate advent calendar last year.
01:03He said to me, oh, I finished it by December the 3rd, I got overexcited.
01:08You're 34, you can afford a Twix. Have yourself a lion bar, you're earning.
01:15But now you get these grown-up advent calendars, have you seen this?
01:18You've got the gin advent calendar. By December the 3rd, you've lost your job.
01:25What a way to cover up a problem that is. No, I'm not an alcoholic.
01:29I've just got the gin advent calendar. I'm not a drug addict.
01:33I've just got the MDMA advent calendar. Celebrating the birth of Jesus by dancing from 7am.
01:41There's the pets advent calendar. Have you seen this? Just to be clear,
01:47that is an advent calendar for your pet. It's not a different pet each day.
01:52By Christmas Eve, your house looks like Dr Doolittles.
01:56No, my friend, they've got an advent calendar for their dog.
01:59It's a dog. They couldn't give a shit.
02:02Dogs don't celebrate religious festivals.
02:05Oh, no, sorry mate, it's Ramadan.
02:10My friend told me there's such a thing as the sex toys advent calendar.
02:15No, at that time in the morning? No, thank you very much.
02:19What if you go away for a few days? You have to do one of those catch-up mornings.
02:24First day back at work? Sorry I'm late. You wouldn't believe the morning I've just had.
02:30Let's just say it was festive.
02:35The worst advent calendar I ever got. I don't want to make this too bleak.
02:40But one year when I was a kid, my mum got me the non-chocolate,
02:45just-picture advent calendar.
02:49Hello, is that child line?
02:51You prick up your ears, Esther, you're not going to believe this one.
02:54No child wants that. No child's going to school.
02:56What did you get? Chocolate? Unlucky, I got a painting of a shepherd.
03:00Do you know what's never happened? No child's ever got to December the 3rd
03:05and opened all the pictures on their advent calendar.
03:07Oh, once you've seen one picture of a pregnant woman on a donkey,
03:10you can't stop yourself, mate.
03:12The chocolate advent calendars for grown-ups.
03:17You get these people, though. I had a meeting with my accountant the other day.
03:2050-year-old man in a suit, right?
03:23In the space of an hour, he had two hot chocolates.
03:2650-year-old man in a suit. You go, sorry, are you the child from Big?
03:31His assistant came in, she said, what do you want?
03:33He said, I'll have a hot chocolate. He said to me, do you want one as well?
03:35I said, no.
03:37No, because last time I checked, this was a business meeting.
03:40Not a fireworks display.
03:43Yeah, go on, I'll have a toffee apple as well.
03:45Let's enjoy ourselves.
03:48It's very exciting, Christmas. I like to get all the deliveries.
03:50Very excited with the Christmas deliveries.
03:52Having stuff delivered has changed now, we're aware of this.
03:54I don't know when we made this deal.
03:56The deal has changed.
03:58It used to be, in exchange for a parcel, I signed my name,
04:01but now the rules have changed, haven't they?
04:03Now, the rule is, in exchange for them giving me a parcel,
04:07they get to take one photograph of my feet.
04:10LAUGHTER
04:12Did you just pat my feet? I don't know what's going on here.
04:18They go, yeah, that's how we recognise you.
04:19I haven't got particularly recognisable feet.
04:21I'd say of the people on the last leg,
04:23I've got the least recognisable feet.
04:25LAUGHTER
04:32Yeah, that's right, start by clapping the disability joke.
04:35I've found your level.
04:36I'm going to get a farmhouse door, that's what I'm going to get.
04:39That'll show them. Just answer the door.
04:41What are you going to do now?
04:42LAUGHTER
04:46I don't know if any of you are foot fetishists.
04:48I haven't got a problem, I'm not here to kink shame you.
04:50What I'll say, get a job for DPD, mate.
04:53You go home with that little camera, there's 600 feet on there.
04:56You'll be red raw by morning.
04:58LAUGHTER
05:02This isn't the first Christmas TV show I've done last year.
05:05I don't know if you're aware of this.
05:06I did the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special.
05:10I don't know if you saw it, I got a ten from Anton Dubeck.
05:14Is he the toughest judge?
05:15Yes, he is, don't look it up.
05:17LAUGHTER
05:18I had the lowest moment of my career
05:19on the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special,
05:21which was basically, we all had to meet up to do the dance,
05:24to learn this group dance, right?
05:26And we all got there, right?
05:28And all the dancers, and we started learning the dance,
05:32and I was the worst of all the celebrities,
05:36and all the dancers, to be fair.
05:38I was the worst.
05:39LAUGHTER
05:40And I was like, this isn't how it was meant to play out.
05:42I thought I'd be middle, cos I thought...
05:44I was like, there's always, like, a shit middle-aged bloke,
05:47like Adrian Childs.
05:49Where's he?
05:50And then I thought, oh, fuck.
05:53LAUGHTER
05:54I'm Adrian Childs.
05:56LAUGHTER
05:57I'm the shit middle-aged bloke.
05:59But that's the age I've reached.
06:01Like, I've reached the age where I went to the optician recently,
06:03right?
06:04This was a low moment, right?
06:06I did the eye test, she said, your glasses are fine,
06:08and then she said, I couldn't believe this, she said,
06:10just a little tip.
06:12Have you considered going for a bigger font on your phone?
06:17LAUGHTER
06:19A bigger font?
06:21I said, no, I haven't, cos I'm not 900 years old.
06:23LAUGHTER
06:25She might as well have gone, here's a little tip.
06:27Have you considered dragging your belongings in a tartan trolley?
06:30LAUGHTER
06:33Cos have you seen these old pricks with a big font on their phone
06:36reading a text message like that?
06:39One letter a line like it's the OXO Tower?
06:42LAUGHTER
06:44The only thing you can see from space are my grandad's texts.
06:47That's the only thing you can see from space.
06:49LAUGHTER
06:51That's the oldest person thing you can do on a phone,
06:53apart from having your phone in a leather book-like case.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:59And then not knowing why when you're taking a photo
07:02you can't see cos you've folded it around.
07:04LAUGHTER
07:06APPLAUSE
07:08Disabled people and old people,
07:13you've got a real taste for who you hate, haven't you?
07:16LAUGHTER
07:18Have you considered going for a bigger font on your phone?
07:21She might as well have said, here's a little tip,
07:23have you considered putting a handkerchief up your sleeve?
07:26LAUGHTER
07:27And getting it out every half an hour
07:29and blowing your nose louder than anyone's ever blown their nose?
07:32LAUGHTER
07:33And then putting it back up your sleeve?
07:35And then once a day, getting it out and rubbing a child's face with it.
07:40LAUGHTER
07:41That's what old people do!
07:43What, are we blaming the bat for Covid, really?
07:46LAUGHTER
07:51Also, it's a lazy optician, isn't it?
07:53Yeah, that's your glasses, fine.
07:55No, yeah, just go bigger font on your phone.
07:57That's your job!
07:58She might as well have gone,
08:00can't you just stand nearer to things?
08:01Come on, mate, meet me halfway.
08:03LAUGHTER
08:04The other one she offered me...
08:06I was livid.
08:07It was a sunny day.
08:08I turned up in sunglasses.
08:10She said, are they prescription?
08:11I said, yes.
08:12She said, no, it is a tip.
08:13Have you considered getting these glasses, right,
08:15that respond to the light?
08:18And I said, no.
08:20No, because if you aren't aware of these glasses,
08:23they are brilliant, right?
08:24The way they work is when it's a winter's day,
08:27they look like normal glasses.
08:29And then when it's bright sunlight,
08:31you look like a paedophile.
08:33LAUGHTER
08:38That's how it works.
08:39Oh, they change just one little bit,
08:40just enough so that no-one stands near you on the bus.
08:42That's it.
08:43Do not wear a long coat on a sunny day.
08:45That's how it works.
08:47LAUGHTER
08:51You watch a lot of cosy TV at Christmas.
08:53I did a show called Who Do You Think You Are?
08:56If you aren't aware of this show,
08:57you basically research your family tree, right?
09:00And it's very exciting,
09:01because you don't know where you're going to go.
09:03And I phoned my agent beforehand.
09:04I was like, where am I going to go?
09:05She said, I can't tell you.
09:06I can't tell you.
09:07She said, but if...
09:08Just a quick question.
09:09If, hypothetically, you were filming in Luton,
09:12would you want to stay over?
09:14And I've stayed in some bad places.
09:15I stayed in a motorway services hotel recently.
09:17I don't know if you've stayed in one of these places.
09:19My main issue with it is the people that work there,
09:22they don't seem to be aware of where they work.
09:25I turned up at 11pm at this motorway service station hotel
09:29at Fleet Services, right?
09:30I turned up and I said,
09:32I've got a room booked under Josh Widdicombe,
09:33and he said, how many nights is it for?
09:36LAUGHTER
09:38What, on motorway services? How many do you think?
09:40Do you think I'll get everything done in a week?
09:42I was planning on staying for five nights.
09:45There's just so much to enjoy here.
09:48Because tomorrow morning I was planning on buying
09:51a mobile phone case next to a toilet.
09:53That's how I'm going to start my day.
09:55Then I'm going to use two fruit machines
09:57behind a velvet rope that you're calling a casino.
10:00And then I'm going to get in Thomas the Tank Engine's van
10:03and do that for an hour.
10:06LAUGHTER
10:08I say in this place they had a...
10:10It was a downstairs hotel room.
10:12Have you ever stayed in a downstairs hotel room
10:14next to a car park?
10:15Do not do what I do.
10:16Get out of the shower, open the curtains.
10:18You are basically dogging.
10:20LAUGHTER
10:22They had an iron in there.
10:24An iron. I've never seen this before.
10:26It had no features.
10:28It's just a piece of iron with a handle.
10:30I was like, where have I seen this?
10:31The answer, Monopoly.
10:33LAUGHTER
10:35I don't want loads of features on an iron.
10:37I just want a dial that whatever I'm ironing,
10:40I'm turning up full blast.
10:41If it's delicate, I'm just moving the iron faster.
10:44Let's be honest with you.
10:45And I want a button that fires out steam
10:47and occasionally, for no reason, cocaine.
10:50LAUGHTER
10:52That's always a weird moment, isn't it?
10:54Whoa, have I got Pete Docherty's iron?
10:55What's going on here?
10:57LAUGHTER
10:59But they don't know where they were.
11:00This guy...
11:01The second question...
11:02He said, how many nights are you staying for?
11:03And I said, one.
11:04And he said then, he said,
11:06and I'm going to need your number plate if you've driven.
11:08If you've driven?
11:10LAUGHTER
11:11At Fleet Services?
11:13No, I got the train to Reading
11:14and then walked down the Central Reservation,
11:16thank you very much.
11:17LAUGHTER
11:18I've just read such good reviews of the place.
11:21APPLAUSE
11:22I've walked past 25 hotels to get here.
11:31LAUGHTER
11:32I did, who do you think you are?
11:34Watch it this Christmas.
11:35It's a great episode.
11:36They said it was a good episode.
11:37I stand by it.
11:38It is the closest they've ever had to...
11:40This was the words of the producer off-camera.
11:43It is the closest run we've ever had to a proper royal
11:47since Alexander Armstrong,
11:49but in his words,
11:50he doesn't count because he's already posh as fuck.
11:53LAUGHTER
11:55I, it turned out, am the 15 times great-grandson
11:59of Henry VIII.
12:01Yeah, Henry the M-F-ing VIII.
12:07You're impressed now, aren't you?
12:08I tell you what,
12:09since that news has come out,
12:10my wife supped her again.
12:12LAUGHTER
12:16But I said to her,
12:17it's not you that needs to be worried,
12:18it's my second, fourth and fifth wives
12:19that need to be shitting themselves.
12:21LAUGHTER
12:22APPLAUSE
12:24But this is what they said to me.
12:30They said,
12:31you're related to Henry VIII.
12:33I was like, wow.
12:34The next question baffled me.
12:35They said,
12:36you're related to Henry VIII.
12:37I said, wow.
12:38And then they said,
12:39did you ever suspect?
12:41LAUGHTER
12:43Well, there was that time I ate a whole grouse, yes!
12:46LAUGHTER
12:48And there was that weekend
12:49I started my own branch of Christianity.
12:51That was a weird one.
12:52Do you know what?
12:53Whenever I went to Burger King
12:54and put on that cardboard crown,
12:56I did feel like me.
12:57LAUGHTER
13:01And then they said,
13:02and then they said,
13:03here's a little fact,
13:04if the right 374 people died,
13:07and I thought, this is a bleak fact.
13:09They said,
13:10if the right 374 people died,
13:12you would be king.
13:14And I said, no,
13:15if the right 374 people died,
13:17I would be the prime suspect
13:18in a murder inquiry.
13:20LAUGHTER
13:22APPLAUSE
13:28I'm proud of it,
13:29Henry VIII.
13:30And then it turns out,
13:31people don't like Henry VIII.
13:33People think he's a shit.
13:35And I'm like, you can't do that.
13:36He's family, mate.
13:37I can slag him off.
13:38You can't slag off my family.
13:40He's the best Henry.
13:41Apart from Henry the Hoover,
13:42I'll give you that.
13:43LAUGHTER
13:44What a reveal that would have been.
13:46And here's your grandad.
13:47Do you recognise this noise?
13:48Vrr...
13:53But Christmas is about kids.
13:54I've got young kids.
13:55I've got seven and four.
13:56That's what Christmas is about.
13:57And being a kid has changed since I was a kid.
14:00The terminology has changed.
14:02When I was a kid it was called going to play at a friend's house,
14:04going round a mate's house.
14:05Now they've changed it to play dates.
14:10Do you want a play date?
14:11I'm going to say it.
14:12It's too sexual as a terminology for my taste.
14:15The first time I heard that,
14:16one of the mums came up to me outside nursery.
14:18She said, are you Josh?
14:19I said, yeah.
14:20She said, do you fancy a play date on Saturday?
14:22I was like, here we bloody go.
14:24The big man's back in town.
14:27Henry VIII's jeans runs strong in this one.
14:30Yeah, why not?
14:32Yeah.
14:33She was like, I was thinking 10am.
14:34I was thinking a bit early for my tastes.
14:36Well, you've got to get through that sex toys advent calendar
14:39somehow, haven't you?
14:40She said, if it's a nice day we could go out in the garden.
14:44Absolutely not.
14:45I still...
14:49You go to kids' parties.
14:50The kids at kids' parties are obsessed with party bags.
14:54It was my daughter's birthday, right?
14:56They're still the same party bags, still the same.
14:58Kid came up to me and said,
14:5910 minutes in, when do the party bags come out?
15:02Like he was going, have you got any coke?
15:05Just fire up the iron, you'll find some, right?
15:08He said, when do the party bags come out?
15:10And I said, you can have a party bag when you leave.
15:12And he said, could I go now?
15:14Still the same, the party bags, still all the same stuff in it.
15:20The polystyrene plane that goes nowhere.
15:22The chop of chups that you need a blowtorch to unwrap.
15:26A slice of cake that has been completely fucked
15:29by the napkin wrapped around it.
15:30Oh, you enjoyed the icing, did you?
15:32Well, you're not getting any more of that, mate.
15:34Just enjoy the shit sponge inside.
15:36There you go.
15:37Temporary tattoos that last longer than actual tattoos.
15:41My daughter had a unicorn on her forehead for six weeks.
15:45Have you ever put them on yourself?
15:47My kids put them on me and then I'm stuck with it.
15:51And then I take my jacket off and people go,
15:53I didn't know you have a tattoo.
15:54Are you taking the piss?
15:56Yeah, I just love stegosauruses, actually.
15:58Yeah, I'm a huge fan of diggers, so I got inked.
16:02They're boozy as well, these kids are probably boozy.
16:07The adults, just to be clear, the adults, not the kids.
16:10Turned up at one, 11.30 a.m.
16:12And the mum answered the door, she said,
16:14I've already had half a bottle of Prosecco.
16:16Football focus hasn't even started.
16:19She said, well, how else are you going to look after 20 kids?
16:22You're like, that's not how it works, mate.
16:24I don't know if you've ever done pick-up from school.
16:26Very rarely does a teacher come out and go,
16:27I've had six pints at lunchtime, mate.
16:29How else am I going to look after them?
16:31They're all here, aren't they?
16:32Well, there's more than this morning, if anything.
16:36I've stopped drinking as well, so then there's no respect.
16:39I turned up at one of these parties, I said,
16:41have you got anything non-alcoholic?
16:43And she said,
16:46well, I can try and find something.
16:47A six-year-old's birthday pie!
16:50And then she went off and got a Robinson's fruit shoot.
16:54Have you ever drunk a fruit shoot as an adult?
16:56It is gone in 0.7 of a second.
16:58She said, well, do you want another one?
17:00I was like, I'm not going to nail through all the kids' fruit shoots.
17:03Harsh kids running around me going,
17:05sorry, I had 16 fruit shoots.
17:07Because you get no respect.
17:11You get no respect when you stop drinking.
17:13I tried to start...
17:14I went to a meal with my wife and she said,
17:17I'm going to have a cocktail.
17:18I thought I'll have a non-alcoholic cocktail, right?
17:20I'll have a non-alcoholic cocktail.
17:22And I said to the waiter, where are the non-alcoholic cocktails?
17:24He said, well, here is our normal cocktails.
17:26And on this page, here's our virgin cocktails.
17:28What are you calling them, sorry?
17:30It's our virgin cocktails.
17:32As if you're not insecure enough.
17:34Here's your pathetic little virgin cocktails
17:37for people that don't have sex, yeah.
17:39And here's your cocktails for proper shaggers
17:41that can enjoy drinking.
17:43Your pathetic little...
17:44What have we got?
17:45We've got sex on the beach.
17:46That's what we've got.
17:47What have you got?
17:48Wanking at home alone.
17:49That's what your cocktail's called.
17:50You are a lovely audience.
17:59Are you ready for your first act?
18:05Well, let's bring them on.
18:07Please welcome to the stage, the incredible Andrew Mensah!
18:20Yes, Merry Christmas Apollo, we well?
18:31It's great to be here.
18:32Don't worry, guys.
18:33I know, yeah.
18:34I look like a pint of Guinness.
18:35It's very, very bad, don't worry.
18:37I look like I've been left out in the Christmas snow for too long.
18:41I haven't really dressed very festive, you know.
18:44I kind of look like a bad guy in a Christmas movie.
18:47That's kind of a smart attire today.
18:49Home alone in Croydon.
18:50That's what I'm calling it.
18:51LAUGHTER
18:52If you see me in a chimney, you're in trouble, boy.
18:54You know what I mean?
18:55You guys be dreaming of a black Christmas.
18:57That's how we call it.
18:58LAUGHTER
18:59But no, Christmas time always reminds me of how mad life can be,
19:02because, like, me and my brothers, when it was Christmas time,
19:04we always used to watch Little Britain.
19:06And then, like, a few years ago,
19:07I ended up doing a show with Matt Lucas, which is crazy.
19:09And it's weird doing a show with Matt,
19:10because he's like a legit childhood hero of mine.
19:13But he's very down-to-earth.
19:14He's very nice to me, and it makes me super uncomfortable
19:17how nice he is, right?
19:18So when we first got the show,
19:19we had to do, like, a few team-bonding exercises.
19:21We went to the cinema to watch Barbie.
19:23I was buzzing to go watch Barbie,
19:24so I was like, cool, let me go watch this.
19:26Get to the cinema.
19:27I don't know this, yeah,
19:28but he had already paid for the cinema tickets.
19:31And he was like,
19:32Andrew, tonight is on me.
19:33Like, just get whatever you want.
19:35I'm like, Matt, listen, brother,
19:36we're not on a date here.
19:37Do you understand?
19:38Like...
19:39Like, don't try and puff daddy me.
19:41I know how this game goes.
19:42LAUGHTER
19:48I'm like, Matt, are you crazy?
19:49Like, you're famous.
19:50You can't just be blowing money on me in public.
19:52I'm like, what if, like, the Daily Mail are following you?
19:54Do you know what I mean?
19:55Because you know the Daily Mail would do me dirty as well,
19:58innit?
19:59The headline would be
20:00Matt Lucas scene romantically out with Kevin Hart.
20:02Do you know what I mean?
20:03So I'm like...
20:04LAUGHTER
20:06So I'm like, man, you can't do that.
20:09And before we went into the cinema,
20:10we were talking about different TV shows
20:12we loved growing up as a kid.
20:13So he's like, Andrew, what's your favourite TV show?
20:15He's trying to get me to say Little Britain, innit?
20:18But I just told him in the truth,
20:19I said, my favourite TV show of all time is actually Loose Women.
20:22That's the greatest show...
20:23LAUGHTER
20:24..ever made.
20:25I watch Loose Women every day, innit?
20:26And he couldn't believe it.
20:27He's like, why are you into it so much?
20:28I say it's cos, like, I'm attracted to, like, older and bigger women,
20:31right?
20:32So he goes, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, chill out.
20:34I'm not looking too deep in the audience, don't worry.
20:36LAUGHTER
20:39But he's like, oh, you're into big women,
20:40where does that come from?
20:41I was like, basically, I grew up in a black church, innit?
20:43So all the girls that sang in the choir, they were big,
20:45and they sang from the stomach up, very angelic.
20:47But the thing is, when they caught the Holy Ghost,
20:49start shaking, the titties just start bouncing,
20:51do you know what I mean?
20:52LAUGHTER
20:58And I was like, I'm a statistic for doing blackface on Little Britain.
21:00I wasn't even that mad cos, like,
21:01the big black woman you were playing, like,
21:03that's my type, bro, I can't even lie.
21:05LAUGHTER
21:06It's like, you're my first wank.
21:07I can't believe this, what I did.
21:09LAUGHTER
21:11APPLAUSE
21:17No, but my life has changed a lot since I got that show, man.
21:19Like, I'm officially middle-class now. Feels good, man.
21:23LAUGHTER
21:24Feels good to be amongst my people, feels good.
21:26LAUGHTER
21:27I'm middle-class, man, it feels good, man.
21:29I play paddle every day, that's how...
21:31That's how my life is going, man.
21:33I was playing paddle last night with my friend Susan.
21:36LAUGHTER
21:38It's like, weird, halfway through the game,
21:39I'm like, yo, I've got friends called Susan now, this is great.
21:42LAUGHTER
21:43But Susan's different, she was born middle-class,
21:45so her lingo is different, I'm trying to catch up to her lingo,
21:48cos when she's talking, half the time I'm trying to decode,
21:51like, what she's actually saying to me, right?
21:54So after paddle, she's like,
21:55Andrew, you know it's very important that you protect your energy.
22:00I was like, what? Like...
22:02I'm like, Susan, what's going on?
22:03You're trying to shag me now, right now?
22:05LAUGHTER
22:06Show me the tease, I ain't got time for innuendos, let's get to it.
22:09LAUGHTER
22:11LAUGHTER
22:12She was like, no, no, no, Andrew, you've got to protect your energy,
22:15and she started, like, burning, like, some wood thing,
22:17like, around me, innit?
22:19LAUGHTER
22:20And I was so baffled, I was like, protect my energy,
22:22I've never even thought about it before, do you know what I mean?
22:24I grew up in South London,
22:25I was trying to protect my organs most of the time, shall I say?
22:28LAUGHTER
22:29Like, that's a good life when your problems are all cerebral in that, innit?
22:32Like...
22:33She ain't got no practical issues like the rent or immigration,
22:36so she's got to, like, pick her problems from the atmosphere and that,
22:39you know?
22:40LAUGHTER
22:42But I've got to embrace it, man, it's who I am now, middle class,
22:47everything about me is middle class now, it's weird, even my beliefs.
22:52I used to have poor beliefs, now I've got middle class beliefs, you know what I mean?
22:57I used to believe in God, now I believe in mental health and that,
23:00you know what I mean?
23:01LAUGHTER
23:03I'm proper into mental health.
23:06I'm not quite like Susan, though, Susan's like a mental health advocate,
23:09she's always, like, diagnosing me, like, no qualifications, just...
23:13..matcha, just...
23:15LAUGHTER
23:18Susan basically said to me,
23:20what's happening is that I'm suffering from anxiety.
23:22She goes, like, anxiety's a very serious issue,
23:25I've got to go to therapy, I've got to talk about it,
23:27cos anxiety can really eat you up, innit?
23:29And I agree with everything she's saying, innit?
23:31But I just don't want to be that guy that claims he has anxiety,
23:34do you know what I mean?
23:35I just feel like right now, the market is a bit...
23:37..oversaturated, you know what I mean?
23:39LAUGHTER
23:41It also feels like a very elitist mental health issue,
23:44like, everyone I know that got anxiety is a mad privileged person.
23:47As I said, I'm from South London, no-one on my ends got anxiety,
23:50and, like, they really should, do you know what I mean?
23:53Like, they should.
23:54One of my boys has been stabbed seven times,
23:56he's still not scared, like, he just don't register in his brain.
23:58LAUGHTER
24:01He even now works in IKEA, in the cutlery section, you get me?
24:06LAUGHTER
24:07And he's not triggered, he's just good at his job,
24:10he's just like, yeah, get that knife in shot, trust me.
24:13APPLAUSE
24:15I'm very liberal, I'm very... I'm very what they call woke.
24:20I'm a very woke guy, I'm very woke.
24:22But it's long, though, being woke is long, oh, my God.
24:25LAUGHTER
24:26Honestly, cos, like, when I signed up for it,
24:28I didn't realise...
24:30Like, for real, I didn't realise how many issues there were, innit?
24:32There's so many issues.
24:34LAUGHTER
24:35And when you're woke, you've got to be on top of everything,
24:37so sometimes it feels like you can't enjoy your life,
24:39do you know what I mean?
24:40Like, even before you snort a line,
24:42you've got to check if it's fair trade, and, like, it's crazy.
24:44LAUGHTER
24:46APPLAUSE
24:52A few months ago, I snorted my first ever line, right?
24:56Obviously, my white friends came over, so they encouraged me.
24:59LAUGHTER
25:02So, I took it, it was great, I was buzzing, I'm like,
25:05this is great, I'm gonna do this every day, like, Christmas time,
25:08this is gonna be incredible, do you know what I mean?
25:10But then my wokeness took over, I was like,
25:12Andrew, think about it now, that line was too pure, do you know what I mean?
25:15Someone defo died making this, so...
25:18So, I just felt mad guilty, I didn't even end up going out,
25:20I was just coked up in my bedroom, just...
25:23LAUGHTER
25:24Thinking of ways to make up for it, do you know what I mean?
25:26LAUGHTER
25:27Had to get some woke points back, so the next day,
25:29I watched the women's football, innit, for balance,
25:31you know what I'm saying?
25:32LAUGHTER
25:38No, I'm joking, just the highlights, innit?
25:40Don't be silly, come on, let's be so...
25:42LAUGHTER
25:44I'm really struggling being woke,
25:47because right now I just feel like I'm in between two sets of people, right?
25:50So I've got, like, my middle-class friends who are super woke,
25:53I'm trying to catch up to their level,
25:55but then I've got my childhood friends,
25:57a lot of my childhood friends are, like, hood guys,
25:59they've been in prison, they've been in gangs,
26:00so when I'm around them, I feel really responsible
26:02to be their social issues representative, innit?
26:06LAUGHTER
26:07But obviously, they don't care about any of this woke stuff,
26:10because, like, their mind is on criminal activity,
26:13do you know what I mean?
26:14Like, for real, it's hard to teach a man about pronouns
26:16when the car we're in is stolen.
26:18I mean, the lights is very hard.
26:19LAUGHTER
26:21The other day, I'm trying to teach my boy
26:22about the dangers of transphobia, innit?
26:24We're getting in the car, mid-conversation,
26:26he starts hot-wiring the car.
26:28So I was baffled, I was like, bro, like, whose car is this?
26:30He was like, his, hers, days, I don't give a fuck, bro,
26:33let's get out of here.
26:34LAUGHTER
26:40He was fuming, he was like,
26:41why are you talking about that political stuff
26:43when you know the mandem are chasing us?
26:45I'm like, bro, it's not mandem, it's daydem, bro,
26:47listen to what I'm saying.
26:49LAUGHTER
26:52But then on the flip side, my middle-class friends here,
26:54they're always putting me under pressure, especially Susan,
26:57she's always asking me very deep, philosophical, black questions
27:01that I'm just not qualified to answer, do you know what I mean?
27:04I keep trying to tell her, listen, man is just black,
27:06I'm not Nelson Mandela, I don't know anything, do you know what I mean?
27:10She's always asking me very deep questions one time,
27:12she's like, Andrew, I'm just doing some research
27:14as one of your allies, and I just want to know, like,
27:16on a day-to-day, how do you overcome white privilege, all right?
27:22LAUGHTER
27:25Honestly, I think I gave her a good answer, yeah?
27:28So I basically said, Suze, listen to me, like,
27:29I don't believe in white privilege, innit?
27:31So I've never lived my life thinking white people were superior to me,
27:34cos I'm not sure about you guys, but I used to watch Jeremy Carl, right?
27:37And, um...
27:39APPLAUSE
27:46As a young black kid, that show is very confusing, do you know what I mean?
27:49I remember being like, yo, I just got stopped by the police for no reason,
27:52but this white stuff looked kind of difficult too, innit?
27:55LAUGHTER
27:56I've been asking my mum, so, like, Mum, like, what?
27:58Like, do white people grow teeth or not?
28:00Like, is that a thing for them?
28:01LAUGHTER
28:03It's like, we need to donate £2 a month, cos they're struggling over there, boy.
28:07LAUGHTER
28:12I like to go and protest, that's my thing, innit?
28:14I'm a big protester, man.
28:16Yeah, man, yeah.
28:18Basically, I go for long walks, innit? That's protesting.
28:20LAUGHTER
28:21In this country, someone gets bombed somewhere across the world,
28:23we're like, cool, let's do it, 10,000 steps, let's go.
28:26LAUGHTER
28:28But I like going on protests.
28:30To be honest, though, I don't really have a lot of respect for activism in the UK.
28:34Cos it's like, it's just too easy to be one here.
28:36Like, honestly, you get to a protest now, there's no resistance.
28:39Like, the police don't stop you, they give you bottles of water,
28:42they give you directions.
28:45LAUGHTER
28:46So what's happened, it's made us activists a bit weak, innit?
28:48Cos we ain't got a real opponent that we're fighting against.
28:51So a lot of the times when we protest, we just play it super safe,
28:54we just have, like, a street party with our friends,
28:56that's kind of, like, the vibe, we don't test ourselves.
28:59So I remember a few years ago, the World Cup was in Qatar, right?
29:02So people went up in arms cos they're gay rights issues over there in the Middle East.
29:05So then Susan texts me, she goes, Andrew, listen, like,
29:07we're doing this, like, anti-Qatar World Cup gay rights march.
29:11Are you in?
29:12I'm like, yeah, I love the gays, where is it?
29:13She goes, Soho.
29:15I'm like, hold on, ain't Soho like the gay capital?
29:18Like, why are they marching in their own ends?
29:21That don't make no sense, like...
29:23Do you know what I mean?
29:24Like, gay rights marching from Soho?
29:25That's like me doing a Black Lives Matter march in Nigeria,
29:28do you know what I'm saying?
29:30LAUGHTER
29:32APPLAUSE
29:34You imagine, imagine me turning up in Lagos,
29:36like, yeah, man, we shall overcome.
29:38Don't be like, overcome who?
29:39It's just us here, bro, what are you talking about?
29:41LAUGHTER
29:42It's just us and Stacey Dooley.
29:43There's no threat here.
29:44We're super safe.
29:45LAUGHTER
29:48I've got to go, you guys have been great, man.
29:50But honestly, like, I just feel like the world's going a bit mad,
29:52innit?
29:53So we've got to help as many people as we can, do you know what I mean?
29:55But I do feel like people are really selfish with their issue.
29:57They kind of want you to focus on the thing that's affecting them.
30:00So no matter how good you do, someone somewhere feels slighted
30:03because you're not focusing on them in that current moment, right?
30:06So me and Suze, we went to this diabetes awareness rally, yeah?
30:10LAUGHTER
30:12She picks them, innit?
30:13LAUGHTER
30:15So anyway, I'm at the rally with her, it was great,
30:17it was super educational about type 1 and type 2 diabetes,
30:19I'm super glad I went.
30:21But as I'm there, someone takes a picture of me at the rally
30:23and they put it on Instagram, yeah?
30:25Then some random person DMs me saying,
30:27listen, Andrew, I've seen that you're at a diabetes awareness rally,
30:30but how come I've never seen you at a cancer research one?
30:33He goes, no, for real, he goes, I have cancer,
30:35do people like me not matter to you?
30:37So this is what I said to this guy, I'm so sorry for what you're going through,
30:40I'm going to pray for you, but trust me when I tell you this,
30:42I'm not here on a Mother Teresa vibe, bro.
30:46I'm at the diabetes awareness rally
30:48because I'm attracted to big women, do you understand?
30:51Do you understand?
31:12Are you ready for your next Christmas present?
31:14She's genuinely one of my favourites,
31:16she's absolutely brilliant,
31:18please welcome to the wonderful Harriet Kemsley.
31:20Hello.
31:21Happy Christmas.
31:22How are we doing? Are we okay?
31:23Yes.
31:24It's very nice to be here.
31:25I've had a bit of a time the last couple of years,
31:26I had a big break up.
31:27I think it's hard to be single at Christmas.
31:29I've been trying to do like nice things myself.
31:30I recently went and I got my first ever massage with a happy ending.
31:36Yeah, pretty exciting, yeah.
31:37And the masseuse said it was the best hand job it ever had.
31:39Yeah, and the most surprising.
31:40Yeah, and the most surprising.
31:41Yeah, and the most surprising.
31:42Yeah.
31:43And the masseuse said it was the best hand job it ever had.
31:47So we're doing okay.
31:48So we're doing okay.
31:49I've gone to this spa, you know,
31:50to try and feel good about myself.
31:51And I sat in the steam room on my own and I was like,
31:53yeah, you know what?
31:54I feel good.
31:55I'm starting to feel body confident.
31:56I think I'm ready to get back out there and date again.
31:57I'm going to go with an experiment.
31:58Like, you know, the last couple of years,
31:59I mean, that's the best thing.
32:00I was like, Oh, my God.
32:01Oh, my God.
32:02And that's the best.
32:03And that's the best job.
32:04I've been doing great.
32:05Yeah.
32:06I've been doing great.
32:07But they've been doing great.
32:08I don't teach you too much.
32:09I think I'm doing great.
32:10I'm doing great.
32:11And it's amazing.
32:12I've done great.
32:13If you've made great things.
32:14I've done great things and made a lot of things.
32:15It's amazing.
32:16I've done great.
32:17You know what? I feel good. I'm starting to feel body confident.
32:21I think I'm ready to get back out there and date again,
32:23just sat in this steamer on my own.
32:24And then the door of the steam room opened
32:26and this woman peered in and the steam cleared
32:28and she looked at me and she went,
32:30Tony?
32:34And I was like, I'm not Tony!
32:36And then, to be fair, I saw the guy afterwards, I guess, was Tony.
32:39Absolute spit.
32:41Me and Tony separate in the blood. It was crazy.
32:45So, yeah, it feels bad to be single again.
32:47Like, last time I was single, I was in my early 20s.
32:50Like, now I'm well into my 30s, you know?
32:52So, I'm single for the first of my life
32:54with things like self-esteem. It's crazy.
32:57Like, I remember in my early 20s,
32:59a guy turned up for a date on a moped
33:01and I was like, Jesus Christ, it's a businessman.
33:05You know, my standards are so low.
33:07I got a pizza off the back. I was like, this is great, you know?
33:10Cos dating is different now, it's different.
33:12My friend was telling me it's different.
33:14Like, you've got to know your type.
33:16Like, my friend, she's got a Labrador boyfriend, you know?
33:19That means he's like...
33:20Like, he's really, like, enthusiastic, like a Labrador.
33:23And that makes sense, cos I've actually previously
33:26onlyvenated rescues.
33:30Yeah, that's my type, yeah.
33:31I take them in, I give them a loving home,
33:33and then they have to be destroyed.
33:37Too bitey.
33:39So, my friend was like, right, if you want to meet someone,
33:41now you're a bit older, what you need to do is
33:43you need to go out in person, on your own to a bar,
33:46get dressed up, sit down, and try and get eye contact with a guy.
33:49And so I went to this bar and I sat down for what I will say
33:52was quite a while.
33:53And eventually, I got eye contact with this guy,
33:55and he was quite cute, and I was like, oh, my God, it's happening.
33:58We were, like, looking at each other, and I was like, oh, my God.
34:01And then he started to come over, and I was like, it's happening.
34:03And then he went, oh, excuse me, is that seat taken?
34:05And I was like, no, and so we took it.
34:11So I was nervous to get back out there,
34:13and my friend was like, Harriet, a heads up.
34:15Dating is different now. It's different out there.
34:17You don't know. A lot of you guys won't know this.
34:20You're happily in relationships.
34:21You won't know what it's like out there.
34:22My friend was like, Harriet, it's different.
34:24Men are into choking now.
34:26And I was like, what? And she was like, see ya.
34:28And I was like, oh, my God, what do you mean?
34:30And she was like, it's a fun thing.
34:31You just have to go with it.
34:32So I was like, oh, my God.
34:34It's the first time I went home with a guy.
34:35I was like, OK, you just got to go with it.
34:37Men are into choking.
34:38It's like a fun thing.
34:39You just got to go with it.
34:40And so I went home with this guy.
34:42It started to get hot and heavy.
34:43My friend was like, it's just a fun thing.
34:44You just got to go with it.
34:45You know, it started to get hot and heavy.
34:46And I was like, OK, you just got to go with it.
34:48Men are into choking.
34:49And so I swallowed a bit of Lego.
34:51And I was like...
34:58Is this sexy?
35:01The rumours are true.
35:05I think people aren't always aware of it.
35:07Men aren't always aware of what's going on in our heads.
35:10I was in a taxi in the summer,
35:12and they've been talking a lot about drinks biking.
35:14And we were listening to this really inappropriate radio show
35:17about drinks biking, just me and this old taxi driver.
35:20And he was like,
35:21it's mad about all this drinks biking, isn't it?
35:23And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
35:25And he was like, it's crazy how they get away with it.
35:27And I was like, yeah, no, I know.
35:29And then he was like, oh, I forgot to ask.
35:31Would you like a bottle of water?
35:34I was like, no, absolutely not, no.
35:37I don't know.
35:38Do we have anyone here that's divorced?
35:40Give me a cheer.
35:42Yeah, we've got a few divorcees in.
35:44Yeah, we've got a certain look, you know.
35:46We've seen some stuff.
35:47I'm trying to find out my divorce crowd, you know.
35:50I asked this one woman if she was divorced,
35:52and she said, yeah.
35:53And I was like, oh, cool.
35:54And she was like, well, not really, I'm widowed.
35:56And I was like, that's not the same thing.
35:59I was like, that's not the same thing at all.
36:00I was like, if anything, you've lost the best bit
36:02about getting divorced, you know,
36:04which is wishing their ex is dead.
36:07You lost that.
36:08I don't know about you guys.
36:10I got divorced quite recently.
36:12I got something called a no-fault divorce.
36:15And it means you can do it quite quickly.
36:17It's called a no-fault divorce, but it is his.
36:21Yeah, it is his.
36:23Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:24There's nowhere to put that on the form, though.
36:26So I'm just having to perform at the Apollo at Christmas time
36:29just to let everyone know that it is his.
36:31Yeah, it is his.
36:37What's been really fun about my divorce
36:39is that nobody has said, oh, but you are so good together.
36:42Not a single person has said that.
36:44That's fun, isn't it?
36:46Yeah.
36:47People can be rude about divorce.
36:49I've had people say to my face,
36:50I just think divorce is too easy.
36:52Like, I think it's too easy.
36:53Like, I disagree.
36:55I think marriage is too easy, you know.
36:57You can get married drunk in Vegas.
36:59Like, I think you should be able to get divorced in Vegas.
37:02You know what I mean?
37:03Like, you go to Vegas with your partner,
37:04you get wasted,
37:05you look at each other and you think,
37:07we could do better.
37:08You know, then Elvis divorces you, you know.
37:11I think that would be fun.
37:12I think it would be fun.
37:13And he'd get it, you know.
37:14He had a difficult marriage,
37:16had a lot going on,
37:17and had a deal with his wife's puberty.
37:21You Elvis fans in?
37:22OK.
37:23So, yeah, it's...
37:25I would love to get married again, I would.
37:27I would love to get married again.
37:28My ex, he proposed on Christmas Eve,
37:31and I just always thought that was so romantic.
37:33But a friend said to me,
37:35that's really unoriginal,
37:36like, everyone gets engaged at Christmas.
37:38And I was, like, so offended.
37:39I was like,
37:40when do you want me to get engaged so it's original?
37:42Remember, it's Sunday.
37:44You know, so he gets down on one knee at 10.59.
37:48Does it quickly and then just stares at me for one long, silent minute.
37:57The best thing that's come out of the relationship is my daughter.
38:00We have a wonderful daughter.
38:01And that's the best thing.
38:03It's hard doing this job with a child, though.
38:05And we had to start using babysitters quite quickly.
38:08So, first time we had to use a babysitter,
38:10I was so worried.
38:11The babysitter was so sweet,
38:12but her English wasn't great.
38:13And I left and I was, like, crying,
38:15and then I was like,
38:16I know, I'll just message and check in and see how she's doing
38:18and that'll make me feel better.
38:19I'll just message and say, like,
38:21is she sleeping?
38:22And that'll make me feel better.
38:23And so I messaged and I said,
38:24is she sleeping?
38:25And she replied,
38:26and I think she meant to say yes,
38:27but her English wasn't great.
38:29So what she wrote was,
38:30her eyes shut, she no move.
38:35And then she followed it up
38:36with the most terrifying message I've ever received.
38:38She angel now.
38:44And a little angel emoji.
38:45I was like,
38:46oh, my God, what do you mean?
38:49I think having a child does change your perspective.
38:52Like, I remember my mum saying to me
38:54that I was her greatest achievement
38:56and I just thought,
38:57that is so sad.
38:58You know, particularly for my brother.
39:03But we had,
39:04my daughter,
39:05I had my daughter around Christmas time
39:07and it was Christmas time around Covid,
39:09so it was a weird time to have her.
39:10And I was so worried she was going to get sick,
39:12like my little precious baby with her new immune system.
39:15And I took her back to Kemp for Christmas
39:17when she was only a few days old.
39:18And my mum,
39:19I think she was trying to be helpful.
39:21But what she said was,
39:22Harriet,
39:23don't worry about it, okay?
39:24The baby came out of your vagina,
39:26so she would have picked up a lot of bacteria from there.
39:36And I think she meant it nicely,
39:37if it felt pointed,
39:38you know?
39:41When I had my daughter,
39:42and my waters didn't break,
39:43so she came out in the amniotic sack,
39:45but we didn't know that at the time,
39:47so she looked like an alien squid.
39:51And so the midwife was with her father,
39:53and I said,
39:54oh, what does she look like?
39:55And he went,
39:56don't worry about it, we'll see.
39:59I said, what do you mean, we'll see?
40:01And he was like,
40:02let's just get it out,
40:03and then we'll deal with it.
40:04I thought parenting would be more straightforward,
40:09like,
40:10I thought it would be more linear.
40:11Like,
40:12we live in South London,
40:13on the border of quite a fancy area,
40:15and my daughter got invited recently
40:17to go to this, like,
40:18private gallery screening.
40:19It was, like,
40:20quite posh,
40:21and we went along,
40:22and all the toddlers sat down,
40:24and the lady said,
40:25as you can see,
40:26this lady is hanging out in a park.
40:29Where do you children like to hang out?
40:31And one of them put their hand up and said,
40:33Japan.
40:36Another one put their hand up and said,
40:37the Nile.
40:38And I was like,
40:39oh, my God,
40:40where would my daughter say?
40:41Like, where did we last hang out?
40:42And before I could stop her,
40:43she put her hand up,
40:44and she went,
40:45all by one!
40:50So, yeah,
40:51it's been weird.
40:52It's been weird to date again.
40:53It's hard to date again.
40:54I had this trip over to Australia,
40:56planned earlier in the year,
40:57and I was like,
40:58right,
40:59I'm going to try,
41:00and I'm going to date.
41:01So I was at the airport before I went to Australia,
41:03just looking at all the condoms,
41:04and I was like,
41:05right,
41:06I'm going to get condoms.
41:07I'm a strong, independent lady.
41:08I'm going to buy condoms.
41:09But then they were all like the fun ones,
41:10you know,
41:11and I looked in the corner,
41:12there was the extra safe,
41:13and I was like,
41:14I'm a mother.
41:15I should really get extra safe.
41:16But then I bought them,
41:17and I googled it,
41:18and they're no safer than any other condoms.
41:20It's all a lie.
41:21The only reason that they're safer
41:23is that no one wants to fuck you
41:24when you turn up with extra safe condoms.
41:26Because you look like such a nerd.
41:30When you turn up,
41:31you're like,
41:32I've got extra safe everybody.
41:33Not everybody.
41:34Not everybody.
41:35It's, I don't know,
41:39I do,
41:40I kind of wish I could just be a tiny little bit more like Bonnie Blue.
41:44Just a tiny little bit more like,
41:46you know,
41:47because I get too attached.
41:48I'd get too attached,
41:50you know.
41:51I'd fall in love with number one.
41:53You know what I mean?
41:54Number two would be inside me,
41:56and I'd be like,
41:57did number one mention me on the way out?
42:01Do you think he's going to call?
42:05It's hard to stay body confident as well.
42:07Like, it's hard.
42:08There's so much pressure.
42:10Apparently,
42:11the average woman in America
42:12now spends $15,000 in her lifetime on makeup.
42:15Like, it's so much money.
42:16And like,
42:17what a waste on makeup,
42:18you know.
42:19Like, you could get two boob jobs for that.
42:22Yeah, they're nauseating your face, are they?
42:24No, no, no.
42:25They're looking at your six boobs.
42:30Four on the front, two on the back.
42:31Let's go.
42:32Pretty good time.
42:33You guys have been so nice.
42:34You never really know.
42:35I was standing outside my show the other night,
42:36and there was a woman wearing a Harvard jumper.
42:37And I was like,
42:38oh, my God.
42:39I don't know if my crowd of people went to Harvard.
42:40And I was like, did you go to Harvard?
42:41And she was like, no.
42:42And I was like, oh, thank God.
42:43Because my crowd isn't people went to Harvard,
42:44but it is people that spent $8.99 to Operation M
42:45that says Harvard.
42:46I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
42:47They were people.
42:48Thanks so much, everybody.
42:49I hope you have a wonderful rest of your evening.
42:50Happy Christmas, everybody.
42:53Goodbye.
42:54Harriet Kensley.
42:55Have we had a good night?
42:56Yeah.
42:57Can we have a huge round of applause for Andrew Minter?
42:58And I was like, yeah, yeah.
42:59I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
43:00They were people.
43:01I was like, yeah, yeah.
43:02They were people.
43:03I was like, yeah, yeah.
43:04They were people.
43:05Thanks so much, everybody.
43:06I hope you have a wonderful rest of your evening.
43:08Happy Christmas, everybody.
43:10Goodbye.
43:11Harriet Kensley.
43:14Have we had a good night?
43:19Yeah.
43:20Can we have a huge round of applause for Andrew Minter?
43:23Harriet Kensley!
43:25Harriet Kensley!
43:26And, as we can, Merry Christmas!
43:53Thank you so much for tuning in.
43:54Hey, I'm.
43:55Bye.
43:57We're going to iç ora.
43:58It's a wow toach!
43:59Amazing!
44:00Who would we like to hours and hours?
44:03We're going back.
44:04There's noes, too!
44:05A Polsce.
44:06He's glad that the kids with our children,
44:07Oh!
44:08Hi!
44:09For you!
44:10Hi!
44:11Tough man!
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