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Have.I.Got.News.for.You.S70E02

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00:00Oh, thanks. Oh my god, is that like a pile?
00:02It's a high chair, is what it is.
00:04LAUGHTER
00:06That's better.
00:07LAUGHTER
00:10But you look...
00:15It's like, we're on a seesaw.
00:17LAUGHTER
00:30Good evening, welcome to Hamlet.
00:39APPLAUSE
00:40Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Steph McGovern.
01:01In the news this week, in Wickham, a police hunt
01:04for a prolific wheelchair-using shoplifter enters its fourth hour
01:08The fourth hour without a confirmed sighting.
01:17Home movie footage reveals a key moment in the intellectual life
01:21of a young J.D. Vance.
01:30And after a factual error in last week's show
01:33that incorrectly linked Ewan Blair's company Multiverse
01:36with a government ID cards contract,
01:38the Have I Got News For You production team apologise unreservedly
01:42and are offered some constructive feedback by the BBC.
01:53On Ian's team tonight is a political commentator
01:56who, in 2018, served as a special adviser to the Conservative government,
02:01overseeing strategy and communications.
02:04They had a strategy.
02:06Not much of them.
02:07Please welcome Salma Sharp.
02:13On Paul's team tonight is an actor and comedian who went to Cambridge
02:17but wasn't in the footlights.
02:19It's nice to hear about someone defying the odds.
02:21Please welcome Stephen Mangan.
02:24We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:31Ian and Salma, here's yours.
02:33That's the former leader of the Tory party.
02:35Dear leader, dear leader.
02:37Oh, a white face.
02:42Blink twice, if you're OK.
02:45That's a cheering scene, isn't it?
02:49It's a full house.
02:50Oh!
02:52She's back.
02:53This is the Tory conference.
02:54I believe you were there.
02:55I was, yes.
02:56I was there.
02:57So, just you then?
02:59I feel that, actually, it was quite a good conference.
03:02Do you?
03:03It was very, very bijou, you know, very elite.
03:07It didn't really have that, um, mass sort of movement factor
03:11that it had before.
03:12Well, setting in a cupboard helps.
03:13Yeah.
03:15Yeah, no, I preferred it.
03:16Much smaller.
03:17So, was it as empty as it looked?
03:20Uh, yes.
03:23Did it feel depressing?
03:25Again, I can't really leave my job as the Tory spin doctor
03:29behind on this, so I'm going to say...
03:31Try.
03:32..it was actually really reinvigorating.
03:35There were lots of brilliant ideas and it really felt like
03:38there was a sense of momentum there.
03:39Right, OK, that bit's not true.
03:43Which direction was the momentum going?
03:46Away from us.
03:47So, yes, this is Kemi Beardnock's speech to the Conservative
03:50Party conference where security was tight, which meant it was
03:54very difficult for delegates to get out.
03:59What was the bad news for Kemi Beardnock at the beginning of the
04:01conference?
04:02Oh, that it took place.
04:05LAUGHTER
04:06Now, what was really good news, the chocolate bar.
04:08Yeah, the chocolate bar.
04:09No, let's not talk about the chocolate bar.
04:10Yeah, the chocolate bar is incredibly funny.
04:11What's funny about the chocolate bar, don't you?
04:13Kemi Beardnock appeared with a chocolate bar.
04:15Yeah.
04:16Which was meant to be a gimmick.
04:17Yeah.
04:18The chocolate bar had a slogan on it, including the word Britain.
04:21Shall we have a look at it?
04:22Let's have a look at it.
04:23Let's have a look at it.
04:24So, when Labour negotiates...
04:26Britian...
04:27Loses!
04:28LAUGHTER
04:29This woman wants to be Prime Minister of Britain and she
04:34can't spell it.
04:35LAUGHTER
04:36What a bunch of knuts.
04:38LAUGHTER
04:39I once bought a bar of Cadbury's Hairy Milk.
04:44LAUGHTER
04:46Which wasn't what I was expecting.
04:48LAUGHTER
04:49She didn't write that out and print that out, did she?
04:52No.
04:53Do you think she doesn't read anything that's printed and put and found out?
04:55Perhaps.
04:56But as is tradition, I think, as all politicians inevitably do,
04:58it's much easier just to blame the advisers or the backroom boys.
05:01So, I think that's...
05:02I'm going to take that line and go with, it wasn't her fault.
05:05Right.
05:06You're still looking for work, aren't you?
05:08Yeah.
05:09LAUGHTER
05:10What was Kemi's big claim at the start of the conference?
05:14Did you mean stamp duty or was that the end of the conference?
05:16That was the end of it.
05:17That was the end of it.
05:18God, have we got the whole conference to get through?
05:20We did.
05:21LAUGHTER
05:22It's a bit of a PN in the arse, isn't it?
05:24LAUGHTER
05:27According to the Mail, she promised to deport 750,000 illegal immigrants
05:32in five years and she's promised to form the Removals Force,
05:38who are basically like Pickfords but just not a rough one.
05:42They're going to be modelled on the US government's ICE agency.
05:46Do you know about them?
05:47Yes.
05:48They turn up in masks.
05:49Grabbing people out of parks and stuff.
05:50Do you want to see a man on his bike in Chicago taunting them?
05:53Oh, yes, I saw this.
05:54This is very good, yeah, absolutely.
05:55Hey, I'm out of the US!
05:57No!
05:58Come on, come on!
05:59Yes!
06:00Come on, yes!
06:01No, no!
06:02No, no, no!
06:06No, no, no, no!
06:07Oh, that's a special place for me.
06:08No.
06:09No!
06:10Neera!
06:11No!
06:12No!
06:14No!
06:16No!
06:18No!
06:19No!
06:20No!
06:21No!
06:22No!
06:23No!
06:24No!
06:25It feels like it needs, like, the Benny Hill music or something.
06:30There's a starkly range of different hats there.
06:32There's a cowboy hat worn by one policeman there, look.
06:35They're all wearing different hats.
06:37It's like Barbie, you get cowboy ice. Yeah.
06:41How did Robert Jenrick show his loyalty to his leader?
06:45By attempting to stab her in the back.
06:48God, I missed that bit.
06:50He hogged all the headlines at the start of the conference
06:54with his crowd-pleasing speech,
06:56in which he gave a shout-out to some of his mates.
06:59Let's have a look.
07:01So, if you're watching, hello to my friends at Greggs,
07:04at Peterborough North Services.
07:06You might see me later this week.
07:11He hasn't eaten anything from Greggs. Look at him.
07:15He might be working there.
07:17He's got all thin.
07:19He used to be vast, sort of Mr Blobby,
07:21and then he went on a Zen pic.
07:23I'm not making this up, am I?
07:24No, no, you're not.
07:25Who's had the most work done of all MPs?
07:27I don't think they have work done.
07:29Really? Yeah.
07:30And certainly the sentence MP and work done doesn't really...
07:34But they're all on the pen.
07:35Is that what we call it? Oh, yeah.
07:37We're all on the pen now, yeah.
07:38Yeah? Yeah.
07:39Farage, he's on the Le Pen.
07:40Very good.
07:41Yeah.
07:42So, you don't think he's had a Greggs?
07:43Have you ever had a Greggs, Ian?
07:44Yeah, I love Greggs, me.
07:45Go on, what's your favourite?
07:46My favourite is the caviar and...
07:48Beanie roll.
07:49Otherwise known as a steak bake.
07:50The speech was packed full of quips and prop gags.
07:53So, why was Robert Jennerick waving a judge's wig about?
07:56Well, Robert Jennerick is
08:10not very keen on judges, particularly the ones who
08:12suggest that it was unlawful for him to take a donation from a Tory donor
08:17and then rush through a planning application?
08:18I just mentioned that.
08:19and then rushed through a planning application.
08:21I just mentioned that.
08:23LAUGHTER
08:25Because it seemed amusing.
08:28Yeah, it led them on to the policy promise
08:30that the Conservatives would get rid of activist judges
08:34and in future they would only be appointed by the Lord Chancellor.
08:38Many people have obviously warned of the risks
08:41curbing the independence of the judiciary,
08:43especially when you consider that not so long ago
08:46the Lord Chancellor was Dominic Raab.
08:48But we can only say his name once in case we might summon him up.
08:52LAUGHTER
08:55How else did Jenrick steal the headlines?
08:57I was talking about his visit to Birmingham, was it?
09:00Handsworth. Handsworth, yes.
09:01He said he didn't see a single white face.
09:03Yeah, correct.
09:04I love the fact that he hadn't spotted that his leader of the party...
09:09He could have had a look at her.
09:11I think that if he'd pointed out that the leader of the party
09:15also doesn't have a white face, it may have sort of, for him at least,
09:19reiterated the point that he was making.
09:21Which is?
09:22I really don't know.
09:23LAUGHTER
09:25So I mentioned that Robert Jenrick had a few funnies
09:28in his conference speech, but he cannot hold a candle
09:31to the real gagmeister.
09:33Yep.
09:34Shadow Home Secretary Chris Philp.
09:36Shall we have a look at it?
09:37And I turned to my wife and I said,
09:39In your wildest dreams, did you ever imagine
09:42you'd be leaving a general election count
09:44with your husband having just been elected
09:47as a Member of Parliament?
09:49She turned to me and replied and said,
09:51In my wildest dreams, you don't feature.
09:53LAUGHTER
09:55I'd like to meet her.
10:00She's funnier than he is.
10:04This is the Tory party conference.
10:08Over the weekend, the conference was so sparsely attended
10:11that several Tory MPs had to go back to the hotel
10:14and have an affair with themselves.
10:16LAUGHTER
10:18According to the Telegraph, one of the Thatcher-based attractions
10:22at the conference was a red mailbox for Maggie
10:27to answer questions from beyond the grave.
10:33Who won the cup final in 1967?
10:36LAUGHTER
10:38Paul and Stephen, he is yours.
10:42Right.
10:43Oh, the woman screaming.
10:46People running.
10:48Swarm of ladybirds.
10:49Oh, Barry, I don't normally go this far on this first date.
10:51LAUGHTER
10:54That's my ideal woman.
10:56What a creepy...
10:58LAUGHTER
10:59This is a swarm of ladybirds.
11:00Ladybirds are swarming everywhere.
11:01Weather has been very warm for the summer.
11:03There's no harm.
11:04They're described as the gardener's friend.
11:06They never forget a birthday.
11:08Always offer a shoulder to cry on.
11:11Yeah, this is the news that ladybirds are out of control.
11:14They're nowhere out of control.
11:16When have they ever been in control?
11:18LAUGHTER
11:19Just how bad is it?
11:20Not bad at all.
11:22LAUGHTER
11:23They're totally benign.
11:24Yeah, totally benign.
11:25Just looking for somewhere to spend the winter.
11:27Yeah.
11:28Not according to the Mail Online.
11:29The Mail Online.
11:30Oh, no.
11:31I expect they've tried to find the positive in the story.
11:34Ladybirds prove Britain is broken.
11:36Yeah.
11:37They're coming over here, hundreds of them, ladybirds.
11:40Yeah.
11:41Taking jobs from British insects.
11:42Yeah.
11:43LAUGHTER
11:44Defend the British wasp.
11:45Yes.
11:46LAUGHTER
11:47According to the Mail Online.
11:49Yeah.
11:50Huge swarm of ladybirds hits the UK.
11:52Terrified Brits are forced to hide in their cars
11:55as thousands of beetles descend on towns and cities.
11:59Have any of you been affected by this?
12:01There are quite a lot of ladybirds in Kent.
12:03Yeah.
12:04But they just sort of swarm on a window, so...
12:06Yeah.
12:07I saw some on the outside of the window, you know,
12:08so I immediately left the house and hid in the car.
12:11LAUGHTER
12:13And then I rang the Mail Online.
12:15Yeah.
12:16And I said, I'm hiding in my car and I'm wearing a bikini!
12:19LAUGHTER
12:21What do you think of that?
12:23I did actually wake up with a ladybird in my bed recently.
12:26I'm not surprised.
12:27LAUGHTER
12:28Well, if you dress like a ladybird, then what do you expect?
12:30LAUGHTER
12:37We've got a video of the invasion.
12:38Video of the room?
12:39Yeah.
12:40It does contain some scenes which viewers may find upsetting.
12:42OK.
12:43Have you got the car keys?
12:44Yeah.
12:45LAUGHTER
12:46Oh, my God!
12:47Oh, my God, it's an invasion.
12:50There must be dozens.
12:54I hope there's a line we can donate to.
12:56Oh!
12:57Oh, the humanity!
12:59Yeah.
13:00It's kind of nothing a can of deodorant and a lighter wouldn't solve,
13:03that wall, though, isn't it?
13:04LAUGHTER
13:08You're from Middlesborough, aren't you?
13:10LAUGHTER
13:11That'll be solved most problems, to be honest.
13:13That's called a good night out.
13:14Yeah, it is.
13:16The scare piece I read said they give you sexually transmitted diseases.
13:20Yeah.
13:21You have to fuck one first.
13:22LAUGHTER
13:27There's no clean way of saying that.
13:30What advice have ladybird experts given you?
13:33I've just given it.
13:34Yeah.
13:35Always wear a condom.
13:36Yeah.
13:38BBC Breakfast covered the story by weaning out ladybird expert Max Barclay,
13:44who is from the Natural History Museum.
13:46Yeah.
13:47Here he is, airing his credentials.
13:48Um, I've never seen them in my house.
13:51But, of course, in the Natural History Museum we have thousands
13:53and thousands of, um, of, uh, of dead ones.
13:58LAUGHTER
14:00Keep it, light Max.
14:02LAUGHTER
14:03To be honest, that parrot behind him is not looking too good either.
14:06LAUGHTER
14:11This is great.
14:12This is the sort of story we should have every week.
14:13Yeah.
14:14Have you noticed that I've taken an interest since it's come up?
14:16Yeah, you've perked up.
14:17Toy party convent.
14:18Yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:19Ladybird, get in there!
14:21Yeah.
14:22The last time there was a ladybird invasion in the UK
14:24was in 1976 when the scorching hot summer saw temperatures
14:29hit a record 21 degrees.
14:32LAUGHTER
14:33On the subject of irritating flying things,
14:36what has been reportedly coming out of Russia
14:38and causing problems this week?
14:40Drones!
14:41Er, closer to home, there was also a disturbing drone
14:44spotted at Heathrow this week.
14:47Mr Prime Minister, I'm in the cockpit
14:50and a very well-welcome to BA flight 9100 to Mumbai.
14:56It's really fantastic to have you all on board.
15:00So, safe flight, everybody. Enjoy the flight
15:03and I'll give you further information once I've taken off.
15:10Fantastic.
15:11A natural.
15:12Did you say when I take off?
15:13Yes.
15:15LAUGHTER
15:16And I'll surely be coming through the cabin
15:18with some scratch cards.
15:20LAUGHTER
15:21Did you either panic in the pilot's voice then as well,
15:24and he's like,
15:25did you say when I've taken off?
15:26Yes.
15:27He did look really pleased to be in the cockpit, though.
15:30I've never seen anybody apart from children being that excited.
15:32Yeah.
15:33You can't fly up there any more, can you?
15:35When I was young, you used to be able to go up and sit
15:37in the cabin.
15:38Next to the Wright brothers.
15:39Yeah.
15:40LAUGHTER
15:41APPLAUSE
15:43In other news, what's Donald Trump on the cusp of?
15:49Peace.
15:50In Gaza.
15:51Forever.
15:52Trump's the man to lead us out of this.
15:54He's a details man.
15:56He's consistent.
15:57He's rigorous.
15:58There'll never be war again.
16:00Everyone back in the pub.
16:02LAUGHTER
16:03Correct.
16:04Do you think, though, he deserves any credit
16:06for putting pressure on Netanyahu?
16:08Yeah.
16:09Because he's put more pressure than Biden did.
16:10He did, yeah.
16:11Yeah.
16:12I mean, you know, he's come up with a peace that neither side want,
16:15which is a pretty brilliant achievement.
16:17LAUGHTER
16:18So, yeah, there might have to be some credit.
16:21You're giving credit to Trump?
16:23Yeah, all right, I'm over.
16:24LAUGHTER
16:25This is the news that Trump has helped negotiate a peace deal
16:29in Gaza.
16:30We're not exactly sure how the hostages are going to be released,
16:33but they reckon that while Trump's attention is focused on
16:36the Middle East, Melania will simply make a run for it.
16:39LAUGHTER
16:40So, it's round two, the human dynamo of news.
16:44Fingers on buzzers.
16:45Teams?
16:46Yeah.
16:47Yes, I read this.
16:58This is about couples who have a swag difference.
17:00And what's swag?
17:02Swag, it's a term, um...
17:05LAUGHTER
17:06It means that one part of the couple puts a lot of care
17:10into their appearance and the other wears a bathrobe.
17:14LAUGHTER
17:15Correct.
17:16On social media, it's been dubbed the swag gap.
17:19The swag gap.
17:20The swag gap.
17:21Sorry, how stupid of me.
17:22According to one person on TikTok, you can't date or be friends
17:25if there's a swag gap because they'll end up being jealous
17:28and try to become you.
17:30And this is according to one person on TikTok.
17:32LAUGHTER
17:33Well, thank goodness we've got some experts here.
17:36Cosmopolitan magazine have got stuff to say on this as well.
17:39Yeah.
17:40They've warned that not even your own swag is safe
17:43from the black hole of a swagless partner's swaglessness.
17:47LAUGHTER
17:48Sometimes I feel journalism may have ended.
17:51LAUGHTER
17:53I mean, this picture here does bring home to me, I mean, Suki,
17:55my wife, she's more likely to wear the blue dressing gown,
17:57whereas me, I'm walking up and down a Tottenham Court road.
17:59LAUGHTER
18:00I've seen you.
18:01I know, you have seen me.
18:02I've seen you.
18:03Yeah, I have, yeah.
18:04I go outside the casino looking for lucky winners.
18:05Yeah.
18:06LAUGHTER
18:09Looking for some company, dearie.
18:11LAUGHTER
18:12One couple really sum up the swag gap.
18:14Who are they?
18:15Oh, God.
18:16Boris Johnson is famously a scruffy dresser and...
18:18And many of his wives haven't been.
18:20Yes.
18:21It's Hayley and Justin Bieber.
18:24Who?
18:25Do you have pictures that back up this allegation?
18:26I do.
18:27Here's the swag.
18:28Yes.
18:29And here's the gap.
18:31LAUGHTER
18:36This is the swag gap.
18:37Yes.
18:38According to The Independent, research has found that men actively feel worse about themselves
18:43when their female partners succeed.
18:45Oh.
18:46So we can only assume that Mr Beardnock is currently on cloud nine.
18:49LAUGHTER
18:50Fingers on Buzz's teeth.
18:51Yeah.
18:52I don't know why you're bothered with that thing.
18:53It even didn't turn that at all.
18:54It's still come up.
18:55Should we have a door then?
18:56Yeah.
18:57Just watch.
18:58Right.
18:59There we are.
19:04Oh!
19:05They've discovered women.
19:06LAUGHTER
19:08The Church of England has discovered women.
19:10Yeah.
19:11Very first female Archbishop of Canterbury.
19:13There we are.
19:14There she is.
19:15Yeah.
19:16In January, Dame Sarah Mullally will become the first woman to take the role of Archbishop
19:19of Canterbury.
19:20Or, as the sun put it, first Archbish-herp.
19:23What?
19:24Wow.
19:25Yes, she can, Canterbury.
19:28Mm.
19:29LAUGHTER
19:30Hello!
19:31Yeah!
19:32What advice did The Telegraph's William Sitwell give Dame Sarah about her new job?
19:39Don't take any notes on me.
19:41He wrote the Archbishop would be wise to embrace the classic British dual carriageway
19:47of tradition and fudge.
19:49What road is he driving on?
19:51LAUGHTER
19:53What surprising fact was revealed about Sarah Mullally last week?
19:56Was she sent her forward for Derby County during their promotion session?
19:59Yes!
20:00Yeah.
20:01Was she the zebra on The Masked Singer?
20:03LAUGHTER
20:06Tori Pia Ed Berzy announced to listeners on his Times radio show that the new Archbishop
20:13was Bernard Manning's niece.
20:15What?
20:16Mm.
20:17Before having to admit that wasn't true and he'd just read it on Wikipedia!
20:20LAUGHTER
20:22This is the appointment of the very first female Archbishop of Canterbury.
20:26Meanwhile, a church in London is offering blessings to people's pets.
20:30Here are three dogs in the church.
20:32Although this pet had to be escorted out after trying to get one woman to eat an apple.
20:39LAUGHTER
20:45Time now for the odd-one-out round, just one between you this week.
20:49They are...
20:50That man runs the Enhanced Games.
21:02Yes.
21:03The Olympic Games where you're allowed to take drugs.
21:05Mm-hm.
21:06It's a sort of liberal version of the ordinary games.
21:08Yeah.
21:09But he's obviously running games Enhanced, which would be traditionally cheating.
21:13Yes.
21:14And Kemi Badenoch recently did an interview where she talked about
21:19despising cheating.
21:20Right.
21:21So it might be something to do with cheating.
21:23Did the stone skimmer cheat?
21:24Maybe there was cheating at the skimming.
21:26But I don't know about this chap.
21:28Is it something to do with cheating?
21:30It is something to do with cheating.
21:31So she's the odd one out because she doesn't like cheating.
21:34And everybody else does.
21:35And all the others cheat.
21:36Nope.
21:37One of them is a woman.
21:38They're cheating.
21:39LAUGHTER
21:40I've just seen it.
21:41And the guy on the top right has never cheated in his life.
21:43Tony.
21:44And he's...
21:45He's the odd one out.
21:46And he's great.
21:47No.
21:48I've just seen the flowers.
21:49This is the reform counsellor who everyone was writing about
21:50because he's resigned.
21:51He's resigned...
21:52Over a...
21:53A flower contest.
21:54To do with the flowers.
21:55A flower contest.
21:56Shall I just tell you the answer?
21:57Give us the answer on a suicide pill, will you?
21:59LAUGHTER
22:00They've all prevented cheating apart from Dr Aaron D'Souza,
22:05who's encouraging cheating.
22:07Oh!
22:08OK.
22:09So, what does Kemi Bairdnock do to cheaters?
22:10She calls them out.
22:11She's a cheating avenger.
22:12Well, she admitted in an interview over the summer that when she was at school,
22:14she'd routinely snitch on her classmates for cheating.
22:16Here's what she said.
22:17I wasn't just the swat in the class.
22:18I was the person who would say, that person is copying notes from the other person.
22:22I was the tattletale in the class, like, getting people into trouble.
22:23Because even then, I hated cheating.
22:24I remember there was this extraordinary day.
22:25I was in...
22:26I must have been about 14 or 15.
22:27And I said, he's cheating.
22:28I stood up in the middle of the exam and I stood up and said, he's cheating.
22:29He's the one that's doing it.
22:30And I said, he's cheating.
22:31He's the one that's doing it.
22:32And that boy ended up getting expelled.
22:33And I didn't get praised for it.
22:34I didn't get praised for it.
22:35I was the person who would say, that person is copying notes from the other person.
22:42I was the tattletale in the class, like, getting people into trouble.
22:45Because even then, I hated cheating.
22:47I remember there was this extraordinary day.
22:49I was in...
22:50I must have been about 14 or 15.
22:51And I said, he's cheating.
22:52I stood up in the middle of the exam and I stood up and said, he's cheating.
22:55He's the one that's doing it.
22:57And that boy ended up getting expelled.
22:59And I didn't get praised for it.
23:02Really?
23:07Well, that's totally unfair.
23:08I mean, it's that attitude that's made the Conservative Party the much-loved institution it is today, isn't it?
23:14So, reform councillor Tony Hewitt...
23:18Yes.
23:19He averted a cheating scandal involving his wife.
23:23What was it?
23:24She's an expert in competitions where you grow flowers.
23:28Yes, she is.
23:29So, Tony was told that his wife, Rita, would not be able to compete in the local flower show if he was a member of Durham Council because the council judged the competition.
23:40Ah.
23:41So, he resigned...
23:42He did.
23:43..in order to let his wife shine.
23:44How do you think Rita got on?
23:46She lost.
23:47Did she win?
23:48Well, according to The Telegraph...
23:49Yeah.
23:50..last year, Rita came first in the front garden...
23:53..and second in the back.
23:55LAUGHTER
23:56APPLAUSE
23:58Do you want to know if she did this year?
24:00She came third.
24:01She did.
24:02She did.
24:03Do you want to see Rita's from garden?
24:06LAUGHTER
24:07We've come all this way.
24:08Yeah, might as well.
24:09Has it got a rosette on it?
24:10Mm.
24:11Here we go.
24:12That's a good scarecrow, isn't it?
24:13LAUGHTER
24:14The World Stone Skimming Championships took place in Scotland recently.
24:25Yeah.
24:26Some of the stones being used were found to be suspiciously circular,
24:31leading to claims that some competitors had been doctoring their feathers.
24:37It's the guy in the hut having a poo.
24:40LAUGHTER
24:44Is that...
24:45What?
24:46Is he making the stones?
24:47Is that what you're saying?
24:48Well, I don't know what he's doing.
24:49He's producing pebbles.
24:50Yeah.
24:51LAUGHTER
24:53Time now for the missing words round, and we start with...
24:55King's reception at Clarence House interrupted by what?
24:59King's reception at Clarence House interrupted by Ariel falling off roof.
25:02LAUGHTER
25:04Yes.
25:05King's reception at Clarence House interrupted by...
25:08Priced cow trampling on his hedge and urinating.
25:11LAUGHTER
25:12Really?
25:13And that's while it was getting an OBE.
25:15LAUGHTER
25:16Here is the cow in question.
25:18LAUGHTER
25:19He's pissed at my hedge.
25:21LAUGHTER
25:22Next.
25:23Woman seeking husband resorts to what?
25:29Contacting the dead.
25:30Moving to Sheffield.
25:32Saying, is there a husband in the building?
25:35Not far off.
25:36Oh!
25:37Woman seeking husband resorts to advertising herself on motorway billboards.
25:42LAUGHTER
25:43Wow.
25:44All right.
25:45That's a good idea.
25:46This is Lisa Catalano, who rented a dozen billboards along the Highway 101
25:51in California, and she put this on each of them.
25:53According to her website, Lisa's hobbies include picking up trash
25:57in her neighbourhood.
25:59Well, she's found a novel way to do with that, hasn't she?
26:01LAUGHTER
26:03Finally, Michael Gove thinks that if he were a type of food,
26:10he'd most likely be what?
26:12I know this one.
26:13Michael Gove thinks that if he were a type of food,
26:14he'd most likely be a pudding, thick and rich.
26:16LAUGHTER
26:18Michael Gove thinks that if he were a type of food,
26:21he'd most likely be a cucumber.
26:23Oh.
26:24Yeah.
26:25All right, Michael.
26:26LAUGHTER
26:28We get the picture, mate.
26:30LAUGHTER
26:32Do you want to see how the Daily Star have illustrated this?
26:35Yes.
26:36Go on.
26:37LAUGHTER
26:38LAUGHTER
26:40So, the final scores are...
26:42Ian and Salma have four.
26:44Paul and Stephen have five!
26:47APPLAUSE
26:49But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
26:54Ian and Salma have this.
26:56Suspected Chinese spies freed.
26:58LAUGHTER
27:00Paul and Stephen, get that.
27:03Don't step on me brown suede shoes.
27:05LAUGHTER
27:07I think it's Poo Break Hotel.
27:11LAUGHTER
27:12Poo Break Hotel!
27:14LAUGHTER
27:15If that's a standard, I don't know if we can come up with anything for that.
27:18Yeah.
27:19You ain't nothing but a hound dog shit.
27:21LAUGHTER
27:22Good.
27:23That's good.
27:24That's good.
27:25Are you lonesome turd knight?
27:27Yes.
27:28LAUGHTER
27:30On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Salma Shah,
27:34Paul Merton and Stephen Mangan.
27:36And I leave you with news that there's an unfortunate moment on the red carpet
27:40for Rod Stewart as his G-string rides up.
27:43LAUGHTER
27:45In a phone-in on asylum seekers, one participant has no strong feelings either way.
27:53LAUGHTER
27:55And at a function to celebrate Britain's greatest ever entertainers,
27:59King Charles pays tribute to Bruce Forsythe.
28:02LAUGHTER
28:03LAUGHTER
28:07Good night!
28:20How are you?
28:21Alan Partridge wants to know if talking is the key to better mental health,
28:25next on BBC One.
28:26And on BBC iPlayer, lifelong fan Rob Brydon goes to the roots of country music
28:31on his honky-tonk road trip.
28:33Press red now.
28:35APPLAUSE
28:36MUSIC
28:41MUSIC
28:42MUSIC
28:43MUSIC
28:44MUSIC
28:45MUSIC
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