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Have.I.Got.News.for.You.S70E01

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00:00Oh my god, I'm not at all symmetrical.
00:03Do you know, Victoria, it's funny you should say that,
00:06but I discovered today that my head's not on properly.
00:12So have sympathy with me.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:52Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:55I'm Victoria Corrin-Mitchell in the news this week.
00:57After a bruising summer, a reinvigorated Keir Starmer
01:00emerges from number 10, determined to project a new air of stability.
01:09In Pyongyang, Kim Jong-un finds a way round his dietician's
01:12strict orders that no more alcohol should pass his lips.
01:15LAUGHTER
01:18And on a visit to a hospital in Harrow, a member of staff asks Rachel Reeves,
01:33where's that tosser Wes streeting?
01:41On Ian's team tonight is an actress who in 2016 appeared in an episode
01:45of Casualty and will be appearing again this year when her
01:48follow-up appointment finally comes through.
01:50LAUGHTER
01:51Please welcome Dame Sheila Hancock.
01:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:59On Paul's team tonight is a comedian and actor whose twins were born
02:02during the London 2012 Olympics.
02:04Now, that's what I call an opening ceremony.
02:06Please welcome Myles Jupp.
02:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:10We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:16Paul and Myles, here's yours.
02:20Keir Starmer, hopefully that's his wife, otherwise it's a bit brazen,
02:22isn't it?
02:23Oh.
02:24Oh, hello, that's his wife.
02:25Oh, yes.
02:26That's Andy Burnham.
02:27Well, he won't, he won't.
02:28Yep, yep.
02:29So, that's the Labour Party conference.
02:30Next question.
02:33What were they up to?
02:34What was the spirit of the conference?
02:35What would you say was the spirit of the conference, Myles?
02:37Oh, one of celebration.
02:39Yeah.
02:40Erm...
02:41One of certainty.
02:42Yeah.
02:43Really just about supporting the British flag industry.
02:46Yeah.
02:47Wherever it's manufactured.
02:50I think they wanted to give it a sort of
02:53last night of the Labour Party feel.
02:55LAUGHTER
02:56Oh, dear.
02:58You are horrible.
03:00LAUGHTER
03:01You're right.
03:02I thought it was quite good.
03:04I thought the conference was quite good.
03:06What were your favourite bits?
03:07Well, his speech.
03:08Yeah.
03:09I thought he did well.
03:10He's not an orator, bless his heart.
03:12Must be a real problem for him.
03:14But he did well, didn't he?
03:16My praise, indeed.
03:18Not everyone was on board with this patriotic flag waving.
03:21One person on social media said of Starmer,
03:23Oswald Muesli strikes again.
03:25LAUGHTER
03:26Oh, my God!
03:27Starmer's enjoying himself, though.
03:29I mean, look, here he is on the TikToks.
03:31Another busy day at conference.
03:33Lots of energy.
03:34Lots of vibe.
03:35LAUGHTER
03:36Oh, bless.
03:37Dear Adrian.
03:38He's hopeless.
03:39He's got to get it together.
03:40LAUGHTER
03:41You know how you said you thought it was really good?
03:42No, I just want it to be good.
03:43I'm desperate for it to be good.
03:44I did hear a number of people saying that his speech wasn't bad.
03:45Well, that's all right.
03:46LAUGHTER
03:47I mean, one of the stories of the conference was Andy Burnham saying,
03:55I mean, everyone's asking me to stand against Keir Starmer.
03:59I mean, you know, I'm sure I wouldn't have dreamed of it,
04:02but they're all asking.
04:03LAUGHTER
04:04I mean, one of the stories of the conference was Andy Burnham saying,
04:08um, I mean, everyone's asking me to stand against Keir Starmer.
04:11I mean, you know, I'm sure I wouldn't dream of it, but they're all asking.
04:16And then everyone throws their hands up, and then he says,
04:20Leader! Oh, no, I don't...
04:23So you've got a whole week of that.
04:25And at the end of it, everyone says,
04:27John, why do people say Labour are in a bit of a mess?
04:30He seems to have backed off completely now.
04:32Do you think that's because he thought he wouldn't win?
04:34Probably. Probably as well.
04:36I'm so much nastier than you. You are.
04:39Oh, no, that's not fair Ian, you're nastier than most people.
04:42One unnamed Labour MP told The Telegraph,
04:47It's only Keir Starmer's force of personality
04:50that's keeping this government together.
04:53What was the slogan, the Labour Party's slogan for the conference?
04:57Help.
04:59Was it that Britain is at a fork in the road?
05:01Snappier than that. Fork.
05:04We're all forked. We're all forked.
05:06We haven't got a forking idea.
05:09Renew Britain.
05:11That's it. Yeah, yeah.
05:13It wasn't their first choice, but Reform UK was already taken.
05:16Yeah.
05:18What was missing from his conference speech?
05:21A trapeze axe.
05:23That was the Lib Dem conference. Oh, yeah.
05:26There wasn't a great deal of policy.
05:28There was a line of policy, but he was advised to take it out,
05:32which was something on the economy that promised,
05:35growth you can feel in your pocket.
05:37LAUGHTER
05:39You've made that up. Yeah.
05:45No, no, no, no.
05:46Really?
05:47One of his aides said,
05:48oh, can you stop saying growth you can feel in your pocket?
05:50Oh, no, I promise you that's real.
05:51LAUGHTER
05:53It would take your mind off the economy, though, wouldn't it?
05:56LAUGHTER
05:58He had something on virtual hospitals.
06:00What do you think that meant? Is that a good idea of virtual hospitals?
06:02I'd be terrified by the idea of a virtual...
06:04I think, anyway, I had brain surgery four years ago.
06:07Did they find anything?
06:08LAUGHTER
06:10They had their best people on it. No, no, nothing.
06:12The idea, I would, yeah, virtual hospital,
06:14I would have had to do the thing myself at home.
06:16LAUGHTER
06:17You know, you'll need the following tools
06:20assembled in front of you before you start.
06:22Well, he did mention one idea,
06:24which was the digital ID cards.
06:26Yes.
06:27That's come back.
06:28Before he announced the plan,
06:30digital IDs enjoyed 35% support amongst voters.
06:34Mm-hm.
06:35And what happened after he announced...?
06:37It dropped down to 17%.
06:38Minus 14%.
06:40LAUGHTER
06:41Why does everybody get their knickers in a twist about identity cards?
06:45I mean, during the war,
06:47I can give you my identity number now.
06:49It's CJFQ 29 stroke 4.
06:52We all had to learn it.
06:53But there was a war on, wasn't there?
06:55I know, I know, but there's a war on now, mate.
06:58LAUGHTER
06:59APPLAUSE
07:01I'm sorry, I'm not being very funny, but it's difficult to be funny, isn't it?
07:11LAUGHTER
07:12Don't look at me, I'm doing my best.
07:14LAUGHTER
07:16Who's set to benefit from the introduction of ID cards?
07:19ID card manufacturers.
07:20LAUGHTER
07:21Yes.
07:22Yes.
07:23One particular one, do you know who that is?
07:24Oh, is it the Tesco club card people?
07:26Yes.
07:27LAUGHTER
07:28They actually make a real difference, you get astonishing discounts.
07:31LAUGHTER
07:33I was thinking of the company Multiverse,
07:35who's been chosen to run the digital ID cards scheme,
07:39and whose company is that?
07:41Is that the man who's got links to the lobe party?
07:44It's Ewan Blair.
07:45Mmm.
07:46It's a happy coincidence, isn't it?
07:47It is.
07:48For balance...
07:49Yes.
07:50Can we think of any Tories where...
07:54It was in the news this week that business went in their direction...
07:57Oh, yes.
07:58..by happy coincidence?
07:59Michelle Moon?
08:00Baroness?
08:01Dame?
08:02Lady Moon, yes.
08:03Lady Moon?
08:04Yeah.
08:05Lady Moon.
08:06I've seen that film.
08:07Have you seen it?
08:08LAUGHTER
08:10Now, well, actually, this is quite a sweet story, because she...
08:13LAUGHTER
08:15In what way is it sweet?
08:16It's about people...
08:17It's about mobility, really,
08:19because she went just from being in the House of Lords...
08:22LAUGHTER
08:23..to being able to secure a £122 million PPE contract,
08:27which is incredible, really.
08:28It's an incredible journey for anyone to go on.
08:30LAUGHTER
08:31And the other thing about it is,
08:33they had no experience whatsoever of manufacturing or selling PPE.
08:37So, in a way, it's an underdog story.
08:39LAUGHTER
08:41It's like Steeple-Sindaby Wonder Woman winning the FA Cup.
08:43It really is.
08:44APPLAUSE
08:45It's sort of Billy Elliot of our time.
08:48LAUGHTER
08:49And, again, you know, the villains here are the press
08:52who revealed that she'd asked Michael Gove,
08:55who was then in the Cabinet, whether she could join the VIP Fastlane
08:59and recommend this company, PPE Med Pro, to get the contract,
09:04and then was asked by horrid journalists saying, you know,
09:08is this company run by your husband?
09:10And, no, she absolutely, you know, denied it.
09:13And then it turned out to be a lie
09:15and all the profits had been put offshore
09:17from a Tory baroness, which she then lied about.
09:20And now she's absolutely furious at being caught.
09:23LAUGHTER
09:24So, if they're not going to vote Conservative
09:26and the Labour Party's falling apart, what's the danger?
09:29I think that the other left-wing parties,
09:31I like both of them, the Lib Dems and certainly the Greens.
09:35I love this new guy that's gone into the Greens.
09:37Despite all the stories about tits and things that they've had...
09:41LAUGHTER
09:43Again...
09:44What newspapers are you reading?
09:45LAUGHTER
09:47They dug up a thing that he was a hypnotherapist
09:50and he made women think that their breasts will grow quicker
09:53under a trance or something.
09:55I mean, it's rubbish.
09:56He did, no doubt, Sheila.
09:57He did tell the son that he could use hypnosis
10:00to make women's breasts bigger.
10:02I think he called it growth.
10:04LAUGHTER
10:05And not just in his pocket.
10:07LAUGHTER
10:08To be fair to the guy, when I met him, I was a 32B.
10:11So...
10:12LAUGHTER
10:13Never assumed.
10:15Surely Keir Starmer seems to think the danger is reform, though.
10:22All of the party conferences were obsessed by reform.
10:25I mean, someone did a count of how many times reform was mentioned
10:28and the Conservative Party wasn't mentioned at all...
10:32No.
10:33..in most of the conferences, including the upcoming Tory party conference.
10:36LAUGHTER
10:37Do people talk about them too much?
10:39I mean, shall we have a look at Ed Davies' conference speech?
10:42Yes.
10:43Let's see.
10:44Nigel Farage.
10:45Nigel Farage.
10:46Farage has changed.
10:47Farage is Britain.
10:49Farage is...
10:50Farage is...
10:51Farage is...
10:52Britain.
10:53Nigel Farage.
10:54Farage.
10:55Farage.
10:56Farage.
10:57Farage.
10:58Farage.
10:59Farage is Britain.
11:00Farage is Britain.
11:01Not Farage is Britain.
11:02Not Farage is Britain.
11:03Not Farage is Britain.
11:04Not Farage is Britain.
11:05Not Farage is Britain.
11:06Thank you!
11:07APPLAUSE
11:10Was that the speech or has it been edited?
11:12LAUGHTER
11:15It's almost... It's all one sentence. Yeah.
11:18Do you think, Ian, I mean, presumably over the course of this series,
11:20people will say, probably they're already saying,
11:23the show is now mentioning Nigel Farage.
11:25And the press is... And that is the dilemma.
11:27Do you address what he's saying, because it seems to be either wrong
11:31or in need of correction or dangerous or incitement
11:34or hypocritical or whatever?
11:36I don't mind people mispronouncing his name. It's far right.
11:39LAUGHTER
11:41It's a minor thing that...
11:43APPLAUSE
11:46I like stories about Farage.
11:48I like the story where someone said,
11:50have you set up a company to put all your earnings in?
11:53And he said, yes, I have. Companies actually employ people.
11:57They create employment. Do you think that's bad?
12:00Anyway, we went and had a look at his company.
12:02You know how many people it employs? One.
12:05Mr N Farage.
12:07LAUGHTER
12:08It's like when he bought a house.
12:09Farage made a huge fuss about Angela Rayner
12:12and the details of her property deal,
12:14and then it turns out that his own property deal
12:16was controversial and questionable.
12:18Anyway, I just mention a few things.
12:20LAUGHTER
12:22Did you see any of the reform conference?
12:28I did.
12:29Oh, did you? Yeah, what happened?
12:31Did you go?
12:32Yeah.
12:34LAUGHTER
12:35Yeah, he was a mystery object.
12:37LAUGHTER
12:39Would you like to see a highlight of that conference?
12:41Is it the singing? Yes.
12:42Oh, good. Yeah, let's have that.
12:43I'm an insomniac.
12:45I'm an insomniac.
12:46I'm an insomniac.
12:48Staring at the ceiling.
12:51Way of a stupid job.
12:54Yes, I'm an insomniac.
12:57I'm an insomniac.
12:59I'm an insomniac.
13:00I'm an insomniac.
13:01I'm an insomniac.
13:02I'm an insomniac.
13:03I'm an insomniac.
13:04I'm an insomniac.
13:05I'm an insomniac.
13:06I'm an insomniac.
13:07I'm an insomniac.
13:08I'm an insomniac.
13:09I'm an insomniac.
13:10I'm an insomniac.
13:11What the hell is this?
13:13LAUGHTER
13:14That's Andrea Jenkins, former Tory MP.
13:17Apparently, she did an interview just recently saying
13:19she did it on the spur of the moment.
13:21LAUGHTER
13:22Nobody knew she was going to do it.
13:24Can you imagine Farage is going, oh, my God.
13:27LAUGHTER
13:29As a Tory, she was sitting where you were on this programme.
13:31Oh, no, really?
13:32I was on that thing.
13:33You said, I don't think we'll see her again.
13:35LAUGHTER
13:36Now look what you've done, Ian.
13:38Yeah.
13:39Now she's on Britain Hasn't Got Talent.
13:41LAUGHTER
13:43And it's her song.
13:44It is.
13:45She's written it.
13:46She wrote it.
13:47In the middle of the night, presumably, thinking about it.
13:49LAUGHTER
13:54What other starry name was at the conference?
13:57It should come back to me.
13:58Everyone's favourite former daytime host, Jeremy Kyle, was there,
14:03doing stuff for the reform...
14:05You've grown now.
14:06LAUGHTER
14:07I would keep your powder dry.
14:08Yeah.
14:09LAUGHTER
14:10Jeremy Kyle was there, working for the sort of live stream,
14:14you know, reform TV.
14:15Yeah.
14:16But he seemed a little bit distracted.
14:18Let's have a look.
14:19You can look around here.
14:20Burgers.
14:21Dogs.
14:22We must go and get a burger in a minute.
14:24I haven't had any breakfast.
14:25I haven't had any lunch.
14:26Come and sit here.
14:27I'm knackered.
14:28I haven't had any breakfast.
14:29Come and sit down.
14:30It's very well organised.
14:31They're all having lunch and I'm doing this.
14:33Is anybody in the hall watching this?
14:34They're all having lunch?
14:35I don't.
14:36What was the thought behind that?
14:37Look at the media.
14:38They're just having chips.
14:40Boys, come on.
14:41I haven't eaten yet.
14:42I've had no lunch at all.
14:43Not at all.
14:44I've been on the bus.
14:45I've been everywhere.
14:46Dean Norris, which is one of them, has come over today,
14:48which could really help us and be...
14:49How did she...?
14:50I was in here trying to get something to eat.
14:52Unsuccessfully.
14:53LAUGHTER
14:59Do you think a party that can't organise breakfast for one person
15:02should run the country?
15:04Well, yes.
15:05Breakfast means breakfast.
15:07LAUGHTER
15:09I think we've made some quite valid points about how hard it is
15:13to work probably when you go...
15:14I bet you've got some Haribo.
15:15LAUGHTER
15:16How hard it is...
15:17How hard it is to focus on your job if you're hungry.
15:20Yeah, yeah.
15:21It's impossible.
15:22Starmix.
15:23Terrific.
15:24LAUGHTER
15:30This week, Keir Starmer addressed the Labour conference.
15:34Before Keir Starmer's speech in Liverpool,
15:36delegates were given stress balls.
15:38Isn't he married to a vet?
15:39Mm.
15:40LAUGHTER
15:41Also this week, the High Court ruled Baroness Moen
15:44must pay back £122 million in PPE contracts.
15:48Moen complained about the verdict on Instagram,
15:50saying she'd endured five years of pure torture.
15:53She should go uppercut size.
15:55LAUGHTER
15:57The Times revealed Baroness Moen has recently taken her luxury yachts
16:04to the south of France, the Caribbean and the Maldives.
16:07Two of those to escape the stress and one to visit her money.
16:10LAUGHTER
16:12Ian and Sheila, here's yours.
16:15That's Trump and Putin.
16:18Yeah, that's an autocrat with...
16:19Oh, there's another autocrat.
16:21There he is.
16:22He's checking his flight.
16:23LAUGHTER
16:24I think this is about Trump.
16:26He's been meeting lots of people.
16:28What does he think he's capable of doing?
16:30Everything.
16:31Ending wars.
16:32Ending wars, yeah.
16:33He's ended seven of them, including ones that didn't exist.
16:36Yeah.
16:37LAUGHTER
16:38Shall we have a look at that claim?
16:39Yeah.
16:40In a period of just seven months,
16:42I have ended seven unendable wars.
16:46They said they were unendable.
16:48Everyone says that I should get the Nobel Peace Prize
16:51for each one of these achievements.
16:53What wars is he talking about?
16:55War of the Roses.
16:56LAUGHTER
16:57He couldn't remember half of them,
16:59and then he made up other ones.
17:00There was one about...
17:01I think he was trying to say Azerbaijan or...
17:04Armenia and Azerbaijan.
17:05Armenia.
17:06Here he is boasting about that.
17:07To think that we settled...
17:09Er...
17:10Aber...
17:11Bajan...
17:12And...
17:13Albania, as an example.
17:15LAUGHTER
17:21Abercrombie and...
17:23But there are serious political commentators
17:26in America now on television that are saying
17:28he's shown flashes of insanity quite often.
17:30Should he win the Nobel Peace Prize?
17:32I don't think he'll see the year out.
17:33LAUGHTER
17:35And, of course, Donald Trump is now going to bring peace
17:38to the Middle East.
17:39He says he can achieve that.
17:41What's his big idea?
17:42A few weeks ago, the plan was to ship all the Palestinians out
17:45and turn the place into a strip joint.
17:47Yeah.
17:48Er...
17:49But now he's decided there's going to be peace there,
17:51and all this has been agreed, and he stood there with Netanyahu nodding,
17:54and then Netanyahu goes off to a press conference and says,
17:57yeah, we're not going to withdraw.
17:59And Trump goes on and says, I've solved it.
18:01And he literally said, I'm going to bring eternal peace.
18:05I mean, he does think he's gone now.
18:07I mean, obviously, all this is incredibly bleak,
18:09and it's been a particularly horrible week.
18:11So, having solved all these wars, he now says, right,
18:13Gaza is going to be run by the Board of Peace.
18:16Yes.
18:17And who, with a magnificent record of bringing peace to the Middle East?
18:21Tony Blair!
18:22Yes.
18:23Is that a good idea?
18:24Well, did he help bring peace to Ireland?
18:26So, he was involved with that.
18:28Yeah.
18:29But other than that, no.
18:31Do you not think they'll run it really well?
18:35I just hope they keep running away from the button,
18:38or whatever it is you press.
18:40If he's got a button, I don't think it's connected to anything.
18:42Yes.
18:43He's completely losing it.
18:46He assembled all the generals the other day
18:48just to tell them how he's good at walking upstairs.
18:50Yeah.
18:51He said, you guys ever walked upstairs?
18:53Yeah.
18:54It's a whole audience full of adult men.
18:56Yeah.
18:57Yeah, yeah, we've walked upstairs.
18:59Oh, no, to be fair, the Americans have always fought wars
19:02on complete flat surfaces.
19:04Not going up there, we're like Daleks.
19:07We're not going up there.
19:08Did you see this?
19:10Pete Hesketh, who's his Defence Secretary?
19:12Yes.
19:13They got all the admirals and generals in at very short notice.
19:16And he said, we've had enough of people with beard.
19:18Beardos.
19:19They are beardos.
19:21And you're thinking, well, J.D. Vance has got a beard.
19:24And then he said, we're not having anyone fat.
19:27Trump.
19:28Commander in truth.
19:29LAUGHTER
19:30Oh, the madies.
19:31Can we talk about something else?
19:33It's...
19:34Done, Trump.
19:35Yes, done.
19:36Done.
19:37In that case...
19:38I'll ask you something else.
19:40What major event of cultural significance
19:42is about to take place in the Middle East?
19:44Oh, is Jeremy Kyle going to have lunch?
19:46Yes.
19:47LAUGHTER
19:48Yes.
19:49I think, yeah.
19:50Falafel bit of almost sort him right out.
19:53LAUGHTER
19:54It's about taking the edge off, isn't it, really?
19:56Oh, this is a Saudi Arabian comedy festival
19:58featuring a bunch of comics who desperately knew the money.
20:00Jimmy Carr is one of them.
20:01LAUGHTER
20:02Getting paid huge amounts of money
20:03to go to a place where human rights don't exist.
20:05Who's the audience?
20:06Who are they playing to?
20:08Rich Saudi Arabians.
20:09I mean, it's not difficult flogging seats, let alone flogging the audience.
20:13I can't imagine Jimmy Carr going down that wide.
20:16I don't think Jimmy's opening with that one.
20:20LAUGHTER
20:21He might be closing with it.
20:23Yeah.
20:24Tell you what, you'll laugh your head off.
20:26LAUGHTER
20:29You going to play that festival, Miles?
20:31Yeah, probably.
20:32LAUGHTER
20:33Who's booking it? Sorry.
20:35LAUGHTER
20:37Just give me one email or contact, I'll follow it up.
20:40LAUGHTER
20:41This is Donald Trump's continued attempt
20:43to win a Nobel Peace Prize.
20:45As he announced his peace plan, Trump claimed it was
20:48one of the greatest days ever in civilisation.
20:51Right up there with the day he found two yolks in his boiled egg.
20:54LAUGHTER
20:55Trump's board of peace to end all conflict in the Middle East
20:58will include Tony Blair, though his colleagues' famine,
21:01pestilence and death are yet to sign up.
21:03LAUGHTER
21:04Time now for the odd-one-out round, just one between you this week.
21:10They are American Ryder Cup fans, the Bishop of Fulham,
21:14Jeremy Clarkson and a Bavarian slug.
21:17BUZZER
21:18Yes?
21:19I know the story about the Bishop of Fulham.
21:21Yes.
21:22Yeah.
21:23There was a choir in a church above where he lives as bishop
21:27and he went down at the end of their concert in a dressing gown
21:31and told them to shut up.
21:32LAUGHTER
21:33And he said, this is my house, get out!
21:36Because he didn't like the noise.
21:38Do you think it's all objecting, apart from the fish?
21:41You're trying to win this quiz, this is fabulous!
21:44LAUGHTER
21:45We've never had this before!
21:46Well, they're all objecting.
21:47He was objecting...
21:48To what?
21:49..to country people having to pay inheritance tax.
21:52Clarkson, yeah.
21:53These people were shouting at the golfers for some reason.
21:56Yeah.
21:57So they probably were objecting.
21:58And the fish is nice, it doesn't object to anything.
22:01It's a slug.
22:02It's a slug.
22:03It's a slug.
22:04But it's so nice, it doesn't mind being called a fish.
22:06Yeah.
22:07All right, don't mind.
22:08Call me what you like!
22:09I'm sorry what you like!
22:11It's a good answer, but it's not what's on the card.
22:13Oh.
22:14Is it noise?
22:15Yeah, the golfers made a noise, didn't they?
22:17Yeah, the American fans were very, very rowdy.
22:20And the slug was arrested by the Metropolitan Police.
22:24LAUGHTER
22:26Well, you're joking, but the slug was arrested by police.
22:28Oh!
22:29You're kidding!
22:31The Bishop of Fulham is the odd one out,
22:32cos he was the only one not arrested by the police.
22:34The Bishop of Fulham is the odd one out, but it is because of noise.
22:37Ah!
22:38Because he complained about the noise,
22:40and all the others caused noise.
22:42Ah!
22:43The Bavarian slug?
22:44It was an apartment block in Bavaria.
22:46Yes.
22:47And the residents got very worried,
22:49because somebody kept ringing the doorbell,
22:51but no-one was at the door.
22:52Oh!
22:53So, obviously, they suspected a klingelstreich.
22:55What's that?
22:56Like a knocked-down ginger.
22:57Oh, yeah, OK.
22:58Someone rings at the doorbell and runs away.
22:59And they called the police.
23:00Yeah.
23:01The police discovered a slime trail,
23:03but Michael Gove had an alibi, so...
23:05Yes.
23:06APPLAUSE
23:08THEY LAUGH
23:12They realised that it was a slug sliding across the senses.
23:17Here it is.
23:18LAUGHTER
23:19How does a fish get up there?
23:20LAUGHTER
23:21And what noise has Clarkson been making?
23:26Er, is it his pub?
23:28Residents have complained about loud music late into the night.
23:31Oh, right.
23:32I'm not sure that's the nicest picture of Jeremy Clarkson.
23:34We've got a nice one, actually.
23:35We've got one of him smiling.
23:37LAUGHTER
23:39Is that really him?
23:40Yes.
23:41He's wearing a wig, isn't he?
23:43LAUGHTER
23:44On the subject of pubs, what's special about this pub?
23:47It's the first ever...
23:49Greg's pub.
23:51Oh.
23:52Really?
23:53Ooh, does it only sell pies?
23:55Greg's the baker branched out into pubs.
23:57Yeah.
23:58It's called the Golden Flake Tavern.
24:00Wow.
24:01Where is it?
24:02I don't know where it is.
24:03Is it going to...?
24:04Leeds, probably.
24:05No, it's in Newcastle.
24:06LAUGHTER
24:08The sort of thing you find in Leeds.
24:10LAUGHTER
24:11The sort of thing made like pies.
24:14LAUGHTER
24:15It's in Newcastle.
24:16Newcastle.
24:17Newcastle?
24:18It's in Newcastle, yes.
24:19I think it sounds wonderful.
24:20They're going to have Sunday roasts with steak and chicken bakes.
24:23Mm.
24:24And Greg's-inspired cocktails.
24:25Yeah.
24:26What?
24:27I think it's a Negroli.
24:28LAUGHTER
24:29Very good.
24:30Very good.
24:31Audience of one.
24:33LAUGHTER
24:34And, yes, the American Ryder Cup fans, they chanted USA, USA, USA...
24:39Yes.
24:40..and mashed potatoes.
24:41LAUGHTER
24:42How do you handle hecklers, Miles?
24:44Well, if people shout mashed potatoes, I immediately...
24:47Well, I get peeling.
24:48LAUGHTER
24:49You are very different from the English golfer Ian Poulter.
24:55He said that golfers should get one taser per hole.
24:59LAUGHTER
25:00How many's he got?
25:01LAUGHTER
25:02And, er...
25:03Shall we...?
25:04LAUGHTER
25:05What a mucky remark!
25:07LAUGHTER
25:08How did European fans try to wind up the American golfer Bryson DeChambeau?
25:14Someone ran on and removed his trousers.
25:17LAUGHTER
25:18They shouted, D-bag!
25:19And, er...
25:20No, pile on!
25:21LAUGHTER
25:22They chanted, you're French and you know you are.
25:25LAUGHTER
25:27Time now for the missing words round, which this week features as its guest publication,
25:34Harmonica Happenings.
25:36And we start with...
25:37Pet experts say the best way to calm your cat down is what?
25:42Kill off all the dogs.
25:44LAUGHTER
25:46LAUGHTER
25:47Sadly illegal.
25:49LAUGHTER
25:56Pet experts say the best way to calm your cat down is to give it a glass of wine.
26:01This is a company in New Zealand which has launched a range of wines for cats.
26:05Not sure how much of a wine connoisseur a cat can be,
26:07but the taste is bound to make a refreshing change from its own arse.
26:10LAUGHTER
26:12Next, thinking of taking up the harmonica, then you should what?
26:18Contact the Samaritans.
26:20LAUGHTER
26:21Thinking of taking up the harmonica, then you should start by puckering your embouchure.
26:26Is that what cats do?
26:29LAUGHTER
26:31Lastly, pensioner delights country fair by showing off what?
26:35Massive bullocks.
26:37LAUGHTER
26:38Is it withered sprouts?
26:40LAUGHTER
26:42Is it that they've paid off their mortgage years ago?
26:45LAUGHTER
26:46Years ago.
26:47And now we're just enjoying life.
26:49LAUGHTER
26:50Pensioner delights country fair by showing off his 50-centimetre long aubergine.
26:54Yes.
26:55Here is the veteran vegetable grower Peter Glazebrook with his prize-winning aubergine.
26:59It doesn't look that big to me.
27:00I mean...
27:01That sounds...
27:02LAUGHTER
27:03I mean...
27:04APPLAUSE
27:05Christ, Victorian.
27:06For an aubergine.
27:07Bloody massive.
27:08We can all see that.
27:09For goodness sake.
27:10LAUGHTER
27:11Possible standards to aspire to.
27:12Bloody size of that thing.
27:14LAUGHTER
27:15So the final scores are Ian and Sheila have four, Paul and Miles have six.
27:19APPLAUSE
27:22Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
27:25Yes.
27:26Ian and Sheila have this.
27:27Anyone seen the turd?
27:28LAUGHTER
27:29Paul and Miles get this.
27:30So the doctor says, how long has that been there?
27:31And the monkey says, I woke up a morning and there she was.
27:32LAUGHTER
27:33LAUGHTER
27:34On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Dame Sheila Hancock, Paul Merton and Miles Jupp.
27:47And I leave you with news that at a society wedding in Belgravia, one guest spots Prince Harry across a crowded room.
27:53LAUGHTER
27:55In Shropshire, a couple of bystanders come to the assistance of a local man who took an unlicensed super-strength dose of Viagra.
28:05LAUGHTER
28:10And in Washington, one customer is delighted to have found a depilatory cream that actually works.
28:15LAUGHTER
28:18Good night.
28:20APPLAUSE
28:33Now, no filter or cringe.
28:36Alan Partridge returns on a mental health mission asking, how are you?
28:41New next.
28:43APPLAUSE
28:45I'm vídeo-nove.
28:46I'll look for you.
28:47I'm a-yoo-yoo.
28:48I'm a-yoo-yoo.
28:49I'm a-yoo-yoo.
28:51What are you?
28:52Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:53I'm a-yoo.
28:54Yeah.
28:55I'm a-yoo-yoo.
28:56Yoo-yoo-yoo.
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