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00:00Move environmental regulations from John Deere lawnmowers because the regulations make them
00:05too complicated to use, even going so far as saying you need a high IQ just to use them.
00:12In many cases, you need about 185 IQ to turn on a lawnmower.
00:17We here at John Deere hear the president loud and clear.
00:21Starting a lawnmower is too complicated.
00:25I don't get it.
00:26That's why we're introducing the John Deere Donald Trump Model Lawnmower.
00:30This special edition lawnmower is simple to operate and uses the latest in bouncy ball technology.
00:37Ping, ping, ping, ping, ping.
00:39Now anyone can be like a big boy cutting big boy grass.
00:43So pick up the Donald Trump Lawnmower today.
00:46Anyone can use it.
00:48It's pretty complicated, but pretty good.
00:51It's The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.
00:55And now live on tape from the Ed Sullivan Theater in New York City.
01:23It's Stephen Colbert.
01:26Hey, everybody.
01:29I got you.
01:34Thank you, everybody.
01:35Thank you, sir.
01:41Thank you, folks.
01:42Welcome, welcome in here and out there to The Late Show.
01:45I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.
01:47Ladies and gentlemen, I don't think we should take one step further in the show without saluting
01:55our audience tonight, because they waited outside in New York's coldest day yet this holiday season.
02:01Thank you, sir.
02:02Thank you so much.
02:04Sit down.
02:05You can't stand up for yourself.
02:07Sit down.
02:08It was the kind of weather today that makes you wish you were someplace tropical, like
02:13like on a boat in the Caribbean, but not near Venezuela.
02:19Because there's a controversy over whether the Trump administration will release the video
02:25of that second strike on survivors of an attack on an alleged drug boat back in September.
02:30Here's what Trump said last week.
02:32You released video of that first boat strike on September 2nd, but not the second video.
02:38Will you release video of that strike so that the American people can see for themselves?
02:43I don't know what they have, but whatever they have, we'd certainly release.
02:46No problem.
02:47No problem.
02:48Except for one problem.
02:49Yesterday, President Cranky Pants changed that to problem.
02:55Mr. President, you said you would have no problem with releasing the full video of
02:58that strike on September 2nd off the coast of Venezuela.
03:01Secretary Hegstead now says...
03:03I didn't say that.
03:04I didn't say that.
03:07You said that.
03:08You're the one who said that.
03:10I'm not the president.
03:11You're the president.
03:13And frankly, you're in a lot of trouble with this boat thing.
03:18Not to mention, why'd you get that MRI?
03:20Why did that...
03:21If you're wondering why Trump's backpedaling so hard on this video, people who've seen
03:26the president have told CBS News that the two survivors were in the water for 45 minutes
03:30between strikes, and they were waving overhead before the second strike, and that action could
03:36be interpreted as the survivors either calling for help or trying to wave off another strike.
03:40Well, yeah, why else would they be frantically waving after their boat blew up?
03:45Huh.
03:46Look down there.
03:47They're waving.
03:49They must recognize me from high school.
03:51That was pretty popular.
03:57Another hint that the video is bad.
03:59Republicans are saying that it's good.
04:01Just ask Senator Tom Cotton.
04:04At one point, the guy takes off his T-shirt.
04:06Isn't it possible that even the act of taking off a T-shirt could have been part of an attempt
04:10to get attention for help?
04:13Or it could have been an attempt to signal to another cartel boat to come pick them up
04:17and pick up the cargo.
04:18At one point, it seemed like they were trying to spill out the word HELP, which is drug smuggler
04:23acronym for Hey and Joyce Leftover Pot.
04:27Yesterday, Trump tried to help out some folks who had been hurt by the tariffs.
04:31He announced a $12 billion bailout for American farmers.
04:35In the announcement, Trump claimed that the tariffs are not the problem.
04:38They're the solution, saying the bailout was funded by tariffs and that this money would
04:43not be possible without tariffs.
04:45No, you dingus, they need the money because of your tariffs.
04:49He's like a guy saying, hey, if I hadn't given you herpes, if I hadn't given you herpes,
04:54you would never have gotten to try this soothing topical ointment.
04:57Trump made the announcement at a roundtable where he explained his theory of why farming
05:09has become less affordable.
05:10Farming equipment has gotten too expensive, and a lot of the reason is because they put
05:16these environmental excesses on the equipment, which don't do a damn thing except make it
05:21complicated, make it impractical.
05:24And you really have to be, in many cases, you need about 185 IQ to turn on a lawnmower.
05:30Really sounds like he doesn't know how to turn on a lawnmower.
05:34But I guess it adds new context to this picture, hey kid, you're a genius.
05:42But it wouldn't be a Trump event of any kind without a little smooching to the bottom.
05:50I've got a two-year-old little boy at home, and the other day I was reading my little boy
05:55a story at night, putting him to bed, and he said, daddy, I don't want Santa Claus to
06:02come to our house for Christmas, I want President Trump.
06:05Are you, are you sure about that kid?
06:13What would Santa Trump even bring you?
06:16Beautiful clean coal.
06:18That's nice, that's clean coal.
06:21That's nice for the farmers.
06:24Hey, how's it going?
06:28This is all nice for the farmers, but you know who's not getting a bailout?
06:31Anyone else.
06:32And that's too bad, because businesses are warning that it's only so long before Trump's
06:36tariffs cost hit consumers.
06:39Retailers like Williams-Sonoma, Under Armour, and Abercrombie are all warning of price increases.
06:44Oh no, now those poor Abercrombie models will never be able to afford a shirt.
06:50Look at him.
06:53His, his lower V is so cold.
06:56Another, another, another retailer who might be raising their prices is Kohl's.
07:05Darn it!
07:08That means I'll have to use my Kohl's cash, and I was, I was saving it to play a really
07:13funny joke on someone in my will.
07:18Wouldn't that be fun?
07:19The administration, the administration is trying to win over the public in other ways.
07:24Yesterday we heard from RFK Jr. and Sean Duffy, our transportation secretary, who announced
07:29a new airport improvement program, which aims to add, among other things, areas for travelers
07:34to work out.
07:35But Duffy specified it's for light workouts, saying, I don't want you to have a full body
07:40sweat going on until you stink.
07:42And that's actually very easy.
07:44All you have to do is space out your exercise.
07:47That's why I do one squat every five years.
08:02Set this for 2030.
08:03These proposed mini-gyms would include things like boxes for step-ups, treadmills, maybe
08:17some exercise bikes, and yoga mats.
08:20And if you're a fan of the airport bathroom, you're going to love the airport yoga mat.
08:25Now, you'll be doing downward pet relief area.
08:31Now, you may remember the last time we saw Secretary Sean Duffy, he told us that we should
08:36dress up to go to the airport.
08:39So don't forget, everyone, on your way to LaGuardia, wear your finest sweat tuxedo.
08:45Now, if you're wondering what working out in business clothes at an airport would look like,
08:49good news, at the end of the press conference, Duffy and RFK Jr. held a business-casual pull-up
08:55competition.
08:56And the winner was none of us.
08:59Finally, finally, I was fast.
09:07Finally, bad news for Trump on the legal front.
09:10After multiple judges found her appointment illegal, his former personal attorney, Alina
09:15Habba, has resigned as New Jersey's top prosecutor.
09:18So now, Alina, no Habba-Jaba.
09:30Now, I know I said finally just a second ago, but there's actually one more story.
09:37There's some big news from Tinseltown, because right now there's a huge bidding war going
09:44on over who's going to buy Warner Bros. Warner's got a lot of juicy IP.
09:47We're talking DC superheroes, Harry Potter, Looney Tunes, Scooby Doo, Fifty Shades of Grey, and the Lord of the Rings.
09:55Not to mention, not to mention its erotic spinoff, Fifty Shades of Gandalf the Grey.
10:01Can you put that back up?
10:06Can you put that?
10:07I didn't know Gandalf...
10:09I didn't know Gandalf modeled for Abercrombie.
10:13Here's what's going on.
10:16Friday, just Friday, right?
10:18Friday, we learned that Netflix put in a bid to acquire Warner Bros. for $82.7 billion.
10:25That's a lot of cash.
10:26You know what that means?
10:28Someone somewhere must be paying for their own Netflix account.
10:32But just yesterday morning, my beloved parent company, Paramount, reportedly launched a hostile
10:38takeover bid for Warner Bros. valued at $108 billion.
10:44Wow.
10:45I gotta say, if my company's got that kind of green, I'm sure they can afford to uncancel one
10:51of their best shows.
10:53The people know.
11:03The people know.
11:12Please.
11:13Please.
11:14Please have a seat, everybody.
11:15CBS.
11:16CBS.
11:17CBS.
11:18You heard the people.
11:19Bring back...
11:20Bring back the equalizer.
11:23We need our queen to return.
11:25Why do you think America has become so unequalized?
11:29Turns out, Paramount got a little assist on the cash front.
11:34Their bid includes $24 billion from Saudi Arabia, Qatar, and Abu Dhabi wealth funds.
11:41And when the dictator of Saudi Arabia gives you billions of dollars, I'm sure there's no
11:45catch.
11:47In a totally unrelated story, I'm looking forward to next season's new CBS hit comedy,
11:51Young Mohammed bin Sheldon.
11:54We've got a great show for you tonight.
11:57My guests are Laura Dern and Angie Law Sorkin.
12:00But when we come back, my wife Evie and I have some first drafts of holiday cards.
12:06Join us, won't you?
12:08We've got a cantidad of things out of 2018.
12:10A hugeannon is January,ujek, 15n, 2012.
12:11We've got a lanzz on the 온ly Championship, and we'll get and win the band!
12:15We'll get to be a tácell for you tonight.
12:17Even after inv drawers, any of分享 нак suede number oracle to prepare for you tonight.
12:18And you'll bet about the star.
12:20I've got lots of fun.
12:21You know multitaskers are dre starving for you tonight.
12:22We're goin' by quarter.
12:23Give it up for Luis Kato and the band, everybody!
12:25GIVE IT UP FOR LEWIS CATO AND THE BAND, EVERYBODY!
12:38HAPPY HOLIDAYS, HAPPY HOLIDAYS, MY FRIENDS, GETTING CLOSE.
12:43TONIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, COMING UP IN JUST A MOMENT, WE
12:47HAVE THE WONDERFUL LAURA DERN AND FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES AND
12:52ON CNBC, ANDREW ROSSORKIN WILL BE OUT HERE TO TALK ABOUT THE
12:55ECONOMY AND ALL THAT KIND OF STUFF.
12:59FOLKS, I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS SO MUCH THAT I COULD SAY THAT TWICE
13:03IN A NIGHT, IT'S THAT SPECIAL TIME OF YEAR WHEN WE ALL GATHER
13:07TOGETHER WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS, AND ALAN, IS HE A COUSIN?
13:11IS HE SOMEONE'S FORMER COWORKER?
13:13NO ONE'S SURE, BUT HE'S THERE EVERY YEAR.
13:15GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN, ALAN.
13:17BUT IT'S NOT JUST THE HOLIDAYS, IT'S JUST NOT THE HOLIDAYS.
13:22WHO CARES AT THIS POINT, IT'S JUST NOT THE HOLIDAYS WITHOUT HOLIDAY
13:28CARDS, WHICH I LIKE TO SHOW YOU IN MY SEGMENT, FIRST DRAFTS.
13:38OF COURSE, I CAN NEVER DO THIS ALONE, SO PLEASE WELCOME SOMEONE
13:41WHOSE PRESENCE IS ALWAYS A PRESENT, MY LEGAL WIFE, EVVY.
13:45OH, MY GOD.
13:49OH, MY GOD.
13:52OH, MY GOD.
13:55YOU'RE VISION.
13:56HELLO.
13:57OH, MY GOD.
13:58THAT'S SO NICE.
14:01THANK YOU.
14:02THANK YOU.
14:03PLEASE GO, WON'T YOU?
14:04THANK YOU.
14:05HAVE A SEAT.
14:06THERE YOU GO.
14:07I LIKE THAT.
14:08MAY I?
14:08WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOUR LEGAL WIFE?
14:10YOU ARE LEGALLY MY WIFE.
14:11YOU ARE LEGALLY MY WIFE, THIS IS JUST SOME SORT OF COMMON-LAW
14:16MARRIAGE.
14:17NO, WE ARE 100 PERCENT SO MARRIED.
14:19WE ARE SO MARRIED.
14:20MAY I TOUCH THE FABRIC HERE?
14:21NO, NO.
14:22COME ON NOW, YOU'RE LEGALLY MY WIFE.
14:24I THINK LEGALLY, THAT IS, I LOVE PLUM LEATHER.
14:27I KNOW.
14:28DON'T YOU THINK I LOOK LIKE A BADDIE IN LIKE A MARVEL MOVIE?
14:31THIS, LOSE THIS MAYBE, I THINK THIS TAKES AWAY FROM THE BADDIE.
14:35THAT'S THE DISGUISE, YOU DON'T THINK I'M A BADDIE.
14:38THEN I TAKE IT OFF AND I'M LIKE STOP RIGHT THERE.
14:41IT'S LIKE BATMAN'S MASK, NO ONE RECOGNIZES HIM BECAUSE OF THAT.
14:45ALL RIGHT.
14:46EXACTLY.
14:47MERRY CHRISTMAS.
14:48YOU THINK I'M JUST A NICE PERSON, BUT NO.
14:50NO.
14:51I WOULD NEVER THINK IF HE WAS A NICE PERSON.
14:53NOW, HAPPY EGNOG, EVERYBODY.
14:55THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
14:56THERE YOU GO.
14:57MERRY CHRISTMAS.
14:58THANK YOU.
14:59THERE YOU GO.
15:00CHEERS.
15:01COOKIES.
15:02THANK YOU.
15:03HAS THIS GOT LIQUOR IN IT?
15:04I HOPE SO.
15:05YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT.
15:07DARLING, YOU KNOW HOW FIRST TRAFFS WORKS.
15:10I DO.
15:11WOULD YOU MIND HOLDEN THIS FOR A SECOND?
15:12I WILL.
15:13WHICH ORDER DO YOU GIVE THESE?
15:14I CAN THINK THAT WAY.
15:15OKAY.
15:16I SHOW THE AUDIENCE A LOVELY HOLIDAY CARD, THE KIND YOU MIGHT BUY IN A STORE, AND THEN I SHOW
15:20THE NOT SO GREAT FIRST DRAFT OF THAT SAME CARD.
15:24ARE WE ALL ON BOARD?
15:25IT'S COMPLICATED, BUT I THINK I'VE GOT IT.
15:27OKAY, GREAT.
15:28MAY I HAVE THE FIRST CARD, MY LOVE?
15:30YES.
15:31THERE WE GO.
15:32HERE'S ONE FOR THE FAMILY NEXT DOOR.
15:34IT SAYS, MERRY CHRISTMAS, NEIGHBOR.
15:36LIVING NEAR PEOPLE LIKE YOU IS THE BEST GIFT OF ALL.
15:39ISN'T THAT LOVELY?
15:40WE HAVE SUCH NICE NEIGHBORS.
15:41WE HAVE SUCH LOVELY NEIGHBORS.
15:43WE DO.
15:44MAY I HAVE THE SECOND ONE, PLEASE.
15:45OH, WE CAN'T TALK?
15:46NO, WE CAN'T.
15:47THIS IS THE PREMISE.
15:48THIS IS THE PUNCH LINE.
15:50IF YOU TALK BETWEEN THE TWO, THE PUNCH LINE SUFFERS.
15:54AS WE'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT.
15:57BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID,
16:02MERRY CHRISTMAS, NEIGHBOR.
16:04I FORGOT YOUR NAME AND NOW IT'S TOO LATE TO ASK.
16:06I'M GOING TO GO WITH CHIEF UNTIL ONE OF US MOVES OR DIES.
16:09ACTUALLY, THE PEOPLE ACROSS THE STREET, I DON'T KNOW.
16:14THEY'RE WATCHING RIGHT NOW.
16:17SHE JUST SAID SHE DOESN'T KNOW THE NAMES OF THE PEOPLE ACROSS THE STREET.
16:21STEPHEN, THEY DIDN'T EVEN HEAR ME SAY THAT.
16:23THEY DID.
16:25WE THOUGHT THEY WERE SPIES.
16:27WE THOUGHT THEY WERE SPIES FOR A WHILE.
16:29WHY ARE WE SAYING THIS?
16:31WELL, THERE'S SEVERAL HOUSES ACROSS THE STREET.
16:34IT COULD BE ONE OF SEVERAL.
16:35NO, IT'S THE ONE RIGHT ACROSS WITH THE SPIES.
16:37STOP IT.
16:39BECAUSE HE RIDES A MOTORCYCLE OR SOMETHING.
16:41YES, THEY WEAR BLACK ALL THE TIME.
16:42THEY WEAR LEATHER CLOTHES AND STUFF LIKE THAT.
16:44YEAH.
16:45YEAH.
16:46WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS?
16:47PLEASE TELL ME.
16:48I DON'T, I REALLY.
16:49WHAT, COME ON.
16:50I MEAN, I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING.
16:51WHAT DO YOU WANT?
16:52DO YOU NEED BOOTS?
16:53DO YOU NEED A JACKET?
16:54NO, I GOT SOME NICE BOOTS.
16:55I KNOW YOU DO.
16:56THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH COMING ON THE SHOW.
16:58YOU GET A NEW OUTFIT WHEN YOU COME ON.
16:59I GET SOME NEW CLOTHES.
17:01YEAH.
17:02YEAH, BY CHRISTMAS.
17:03THERE YOU GO.
17:04CAN I PLEASE HAVE THE FIRST OF THE NEXT ONE, MY LOVE?
17:05ALL RIGHT.
17:06YOU'RE BEING VERY BOSSY TONIGHT.
17:07I DON'T LIKE IT.
17:08I'M NOT BEING BOSSY.
17:09WE JUST, WE DO EVENTUALLY HAVE TO GO HOME.
17:11NO.
17:12ALL RIGHT.
17:13THIS ONE SAYS,
17:15IT'S NOT THE NUMBER OF PRESENTS UNDER THE TREE THAT MATTERS.
17:18IT'S THE HEALTH AND HAPPINESS OF OUR LOVED ONES.
17:21MERRY CHRISTMAS.
17:22THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL SENTIMENT.
17:24THAT'S TRUE.
17:25THE FIRST DRAFT SAID,
17:26IT'S NOT THE NUMBER OF PRESENTS UNDER THE TREE THAT MATTERS.
17:29IT'S THE TOTAL VALUE OF ALL THE PRESENTS.
17:31FOR EXAMPLE,
17:32ONE PRESENT THAT COSTS $2,000 IS BETTER THAN TEN PRESENTS THAT ONLY ADD UP TO $1,500.
17:37ARE YOU WRITING THIS DOWN?
17:39I...
17:40SOUND WISDOM.
17:41I DON'T AGREE.
17:42YOU DON'T AGREE?
17:43NO, I WANT A COUPLE OF PRESENTS.
17:45I DON'T WANT JUST ONE OF THE...
17:46YOU WANT A COUPLE OF PRESENTS.
17:47I KNOW THAT EVERY CHRISTMAS,
17:48YOU, YOU, YOU REALLY WOULD LIKE SOMEONE TO GIVE YOU A BOOK.
17:51I DO.
17:52ALWAYS WANT A BOOK.
17:53IF YOU DON'T GET A BOOK, YOU GO, NO ONE KNOWS ME.
17:54THINKS I READ.
17:55NO ONE, YEAH, NO ONE KNOWS HOW MUCH I LOVE, LOVE BOOKS.
17:57SO, GIVE ME, SO YOU CAN GIVE ME A BOOK.
17:59I'M GETTING YOU A BOOK.
18:00DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT THAT.
18:01ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
18:02BUT SERIOUSLY.
18:04WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS?
18:05I WAS WAITING FOR YOU TO ASK.
18:08I'M LIKE, WHAT, WHAT?
18:09NOTHING, THANKS.
18:10MAYBE I ALREADY HAVE YOUR PRESENTS.
18:12DO YOU?
18:13MAYBE.
18:14DO YOU?
18:15I DO.
18:16NO WAY.
18:17THAT'S NOT NICE.
18:18I DO, I KNOW.
18:20I'M AHEAD OF YOU.
18:21YOU WON CHRISTMAS JUST NOW.
18:22I DO, I JUST DID, YEAH.
18:23IS IT NICE, GOOD STUFF?
18:24I THINK YOU'LL LIKE IT.
18:25MAYBE COME ON FOR VALENTINE'S DAY,
18:27AND WE'LL REVIEW WHETHER I ENJOYED
18:28THE CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.
18:30OKAY, DEAL.
18:31DEAL.
18:32CAN I HAVE ANOTHER ONE, PLEASE?
18:34NO, WE CAN'T CHAT.
18:35NO, WE CAN'T.
18:36WE HAVE A TELEVISION SHOW TO DO.
18:37WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO CHAT ABOUT?
18:38WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO CHAT ABOUT?
18:40GOTTA BE CHRISTMAS-Y.
18:41ALL RIGHT, CHRISTMAS.
18:43WHAT ELSE DO WE WANT TO DO BESIDES, LIKE...
18:44WE'RE GOING TO GO TO CHARLESTON.
18:45WE'RE GOING TO DRIVE TO CHARLESTON.
18:46DRIVE TO CHARLESTON.
18:47WE HAVE OUR 14-HOUR DRIVE TO CHARLESTON.
18:49WHICH ALLOWS US TO DO WHAT?
18:51FOR YOU TO LEAVE YOUR PHONE IN A BATHROOM ON THE INTERSTATE.
18:56I MEAN, WHILE I'M RATTING YOU OUT.
18:59I DID THAT ONCE.
19:00BUT YOU COULD DO IT AGAIN.
19:01NO, I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN BECAUSE OF THAT.
19:03THAT IS WHY...
19:05NO, WHY DID WE STOP?
19:07WHY DO WE STOP?
19:08FOR FRENCH FRIES.
19:10OH.
19:11IT'S THE ONLY...
19:12WE DRIVE...
19:13THE DOG ALSO SOMETIMES NEEDS TO EXIT THE CAR.
19:15EXACTLY, BUT WE DRIVE SO WE CAN BRING THE DOG,
19:18BUT THAT ALLOWS US, THAT'S OUR EXCUSE,
19:20AND IT ALLOWS US TO STOP AT MCDONALD'S AND GET FRENCH FRIES.
19:23OKAY, QUESTION, IF WE LEAVE REALLY EARLY,
19:25HOW EARLY CAN YOU GET THE FIRST FRENCH FRIES?
19:2711 A.M. IS THE EARLIEST FRENCH FRIES.
19:29BUT WHAT IF WE LEAVE AT 6?
19:30IT'S STILL 11 A.M.
19:31THAT'S A LONG TIME.
19:32THAT'S WHY I DON'T WANT TO...
19:33I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE AT 6.
19:34I DON'T WANT TO WAIT THAT LONG FOR THE FRIES.
19:36THERE ARE A LOT OF CINNABONS ON I-95, TOO.
19:38UH...
19:39YOU WANT ME TO GO TO SLEEP AND CRASH?
19:41CINNABON.
19:45HERE'S ONE WITH A FAMILY OF SNOWMEN,
19:47AND IT SAYS,
19:48HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM SOME JOLLY HAPPY SOULS.
19:51VERY WELL DONE.
19:53THEY'RE ON YOUR SIDE.
19:54LOOK AT THAT.
19:55THE FIRST DRAFT SAID,
19:56HAPPY HOLIDAYS.
19:57IF YOU REMOVE OUR HATS, WE WILL DIE.
20:00FROSTY THE SNOWMAN.
20:02THAT'S HOW FROSTY COMES TO LIFE.
20:04THERE MUST HAVE BEEN SOME MAGIC IN THAT OLD SILK HAT THEY FOUND.
20:07AND IF YOU TAKE THE HAT OFF, HE DIED?
20:09HE DIES, YEAH, HE DIES.
20:11OR HE BECOMES INANIMATE.
20:12HE JUST BECOMES A SNOWMAN AGAIN.
20:14DARK.
20:15HIS SOUL LEAVES HIS BODY.
20:16DARK.
20:17HEY, I DIDN'T WRITE IT.
20:18CAN I HAVE THIS ONE?
20:20YOU'RE IN A BAD MOOD.
20:22I'M NOT IN A BAD MOOD AT ALL.
20:24I JUST FOUND OUT THAT I'M WAY BEHIND-
20:27I'M WAY BEHIND YOU ON THE CHRISTMAS PRESENT,
20:29AND NOW I FEEL TERRIBLE.
20:30WELL, SNAP UP.
20:32THAT IS THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON.
20:35I MEAN, LOOK, I'M WEARING-
20:37I'M WEARING A LEATHER DRESS.
20:38DON'T CROSS ME.
20:46HERE'S ANOTHER NICE CARD.
20:48I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS.
20:49YOU CAN COUNT ON ME.
20:51AWW.
20:52BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID,
20:54I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS.
20:55IF YOU WANTED TO KILL ME IN MARRACESH,
20:57YOU SHOULD HAVE FINISHED THE JOB.
20:59AVBY MCGEE, EVERYBODY.
21:01MERRY CHRISTMAS, DARLING.
21:03THANK YOU.
21:04MUAH.
21:05THANK YOU.
21:06WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH LAURA DERN.
21:08WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH LAURA DERN.
21:38WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
21:43LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACADEMY
21:47AWARD-WINNING ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM BLUE VELVET,
21:50JURASSIC PARK, MARRIAGE STORY, AND BIG LITTLE LIES.
21:54SHE NOW STARS IN THE FILM, IS THIS THING ON?
21:57YOU TOOK ONE?
22:07YEAH.
22:08WHEN I WENT FROM THE BATHROOM,
22:11I WAS STEALING IT.
22:14IT'S GOING TO MAKE YOU REALLY HIGH.
22:17THAT'S THE IDEA.
22:20JUST WHEN YOU GET MORE BODY AT dáPPLOGE ILS
22:32LIKE THAT.
22:33WELL.
22:34CALLED OPENS.
22:35THAT'S REALLY HIGH.
22:36OH, CON CHRISTMAS.
22:38I DON'T KNOW .
22:45Please welcome back to The Late Show, Laura Dern.
23:15Thank you for your holiday sparkles, that's lovely.
23:34I bring the spirit, I bring the cheer, you know.
23:36It's nice to see you again.
23:38The last time we had a chance to talk together on camera was 2020,
23:44right before COVID, but more importantly, right before you won your Oscar for Marriage Story.
23:50Congratulations and after Retroactively.
23:55Where do you, where does one keep, I don't have an Oscar.
23:58You don't?
23:59Yet. Guys, we got to write that wrong.
24:01What, what, where does one, you recommend it?
24:05Yes, I recommend it highly.
24:08I'll put it on the list, next to bungee jumping.
24:10Now, where do you keep it?
24:13Well, currently, my Oscar, because of the fires in LA, went to stay with a friend.
24:21Okay.
24:22Because we had to evacuate.
24:24So, my Oscar has been living with Gregory Peck's Oscar at Gregory's daughter's home.
24:32So, and they've been having, yeah, they're having an amazing time.
24:35Yeah.
24:36That's incredible.
24:37Yeah.
24:38That's incredible.
24:39So, they're not lonely.
24:40No, exactly.
24:41Exactly.
24:42In fact, my Oscar calls that Oscar Atticus, I believe, only.
24:45Which is appropriate.
24:46Oh, that's very sweet.
24:47Yeah.
24:48As I said on the intro, and we saw the clip there, you're starring on a new film with
24:53Will Arnett.
24:54Is this thing on?
24:55Yes.
24:56Quick question.
24:57How accurate was that scene?
24:59How method was that?
25:00Was that an actual pot cookie that you were eating?
25:03Well, of course, I am very method.
25:05Okay.
25:06So, I mean, I guess, luckily, if you're going to film in Grand Central, it's good to not
25:13be entirely method, because that could have really turned out bad if I was completely high
25:18the entire shoot.
25:20Also, depending on how many takes you have to do, it would be extremely dangerous.
25:23Exactly.
25:24But it was an amazing movie to work on, Bradley Cooper directed, and it's a beautiful film
25:30we love so much.
25:31What's it?
25:32It's a real homage to New York City.
25:33What's it about?
25:34And, yes, which we love.
25:39It's an adult film about...
25:41It's not an adult film.
25:43It is an adult film.
25:44It's a film for adults.
25:45It is.
25:46No, you've never seen us quite like this.
25:47Oh, wow.
25:48Okay.
25:49Yeah, yeah.
25:50Sure.
25:51Yes.
25:52So the cookies were real.
25:53All right.
25:54Yes, of course.
25:55In fact, they're still hitting me now.
25:56Okay.
25:57So it's a mature film.
25:58It's a mature film about a couple after being married for 25 years with two kids, have
26:04lost their way and are trying to see if they can find their way back to each other by really
26:11learning about themselves, maybe for the first time in their lives.
26:14And it's hysterically funny to me, but more importantly, it's kind and hopeful and about empathy and learning to communicate.
26:25And I'm so proud of this movie.
26:26We have to take a quick break, but be right back with more Laura Dern, everybody.
26:30Stick around.
26:31Thank God.
26:39Well, I mean, I got to talk to you.
26:41Hey, everybody.
26:42We're back with the star of Is This Thing On?, Laura Dern.
26:47This is a very funny film.
26:48There are some sad moments in it, trouble in your marriage.
26:53What did you do when you got home to relax and to get yourself?
26:58Beautiful question.
27:00Because it is a lot, as you know, as someone who really has been one of our great actors,
27:07whether you think of yourself as that or not, because you've played some of my favorite characters
27:11of all time, thanks to the Colbert Report, have to say.
27:17So, but, you know, in the case of this movie, yeah, to wind down, I was very lucky.
27:24We shot here in New York, and I brought my rescue beloved husky with me.
27:30And so when I would go to work, she would go off to this daycare adventure that I found.
27:36And at the end of the day, we'd cuddle up, and I'd get videos, and we'd look over them.
27:40And she, in fact, shared she had grown into having quite a crush going to this daycare.
27:47And developed this beautiful relationship.
27:49I heard about this.
27:50There's a video we have here of, what's your dog's name?
27:53Baby.
27:54Baby.
27:55I'd love for you to see this.
27:56Baby is a white husky, a husky-colored husky.
27:58Yes.
27:59And with a, and she's got a friend right here.
28:01Yes, this is her with her.
28:03And I actually happen to know this other dog.
28:06This is hysterical.
28:08That is my dog, Benny.
28:10Yes.
28:12That is my dog, Benny, the brown dog, who happened to go to the same.
28:16He was staying in the same place while we were out of town.
28:18They're so in love.
28:19They're so.
28:20They are really.
28:21It's getting really serious.
28:22Oh, yeah, it's serious.
28:23Yeah.
28:23Yeah, we're going to be in-laws.
28:24That's the next movie.
28:26But here's the thing, did you, I found out today that Benny is boyfriends with your dog.
28:32Yeah.
28:32Did you know that that was my dog?
28:34I didn't.
28:34I just kept hearing about Benny, and it was Benny and Baby.
28:38I mean, that's such a good couple.
28:39Fantastic.
28:40And then only later I found out that they're madly in love.
28:44Wow.
28:45Oh.
28:46I've got some great news for you.
28:47Yes.
28:48There's no danger she'll get pregnant.
28:49You're also an executive producer on the series Palm Royale, which is currently in its
28:56second season.
28:57Yes.
28:58Okay, it's got a murderer's row.
28:59It's you, Allison Janney, Kristen Wiig, and Carol Burnett.
29:02Did you ever think, when you were growing up, that you would have a chance to produce,
29:07cast, and perform with Carol Burnett?
29:09I know.
29:10Never.
29:11How about when you've had her on the show?
29:12It's just like...
29:13It's incandescent.
29:14It's incredible.
29:15I mean, and she has the most amazing time being with you, she was telling me about it.
29:20And she is the most professional person you've ever worked with.
29:24She's there 15 minutes before everybody else, guys.
29:27And she's in her 90s.
29:28Yes.
29:29And she's extraordinary.
29:30And I grew up, my grandma and I watched her, she and Lucy, every day.
29:34And I got to tell her that she's the reason I fell in love with this in the first place.
29:39So, and hearing her stories, she always would tell me Lucy would call her kid.
29:46I'm just like, oh my God, Lucy and Carol hanging out and her calling her kid.
29:50Nothing made me happier.
29:52And you actually did something lovely for Carol last year.
29:55Tell people about the orchestrated surprise you had for her.
29:57Well, my producing partner, Jamie Lemons and I learned that Carol of all icons had not received
30:05her hand and footprints on Hollywood Boulevard in front of Grauman's Chinese.
30:11And so we tried to correct that and in fact, got the dream.
30:15We have to go here in just one second.
30:29Before we do, there's somebody I want you to meet.
30:31If you just stay right there.
30:32Ooh.
30:33This is, um, this is your son-in-law.
30:36This is...
30:37No!
30:38Benny!
30:39No!
30:40Benny, up, up!
30:41Benny!
30:42Oh, Benny!
30:43Oh, Benny!
30:44It's Baby's Mommy!
30:47I'm Baby's Mommy!
30:50Season two of Palm Royale is available on Apple TV.
30:54And Is This Thing On is in theaters December 19th.
30:58Laura Dern, everybody.
30:59We'll be right back with Andrew Ross Sorkin.
31:02Welcome back, my friends.
31:23My next guest tonight is a best-selling author, financial columnist for The New York Times,
31:28and co-anchor of Squawk Box on CNBC.
31:31Please welcome back to The Late Show, Andrew Ross Sorkin.
31:50Nice to see you again.
31:51Nice to see you.
31:52You got the new book.
31:53Let's push some paper.
31:54Thank you, sir.
31:551929, Inside the Greatest Crash in Wall Street History and How It Shattered a Nation.
31:59More on that later.
32:03Last week.
32:04We're gonna get to it.
32:05We're gonna talk about things, you know, things right now.
32:06We got a lot of things going on right now.
32:08Last week, as I was talking about it earlier, we learned about the proposed Netflix Warner Brothers.
32:12Yeah.
32:13Everybody thought that Paramount had the inside track, and then Netflix comes in with this huge
32:17cash offer of $82.7 billion.
32:21That's billion with an illion.
32:24And now Paramount is launching a hostile bid for $108 billion.
32:29There's 26 more illions.
32:31That they could have used on this show.
32:33Anywhere.
32:34Anywhere.
32:35They could have fed the homeless.
32:37Now, and Jared Kushner's somehow involved?
32:40Yep.
32:41And Saudi and Abu Dhabi and Qatari sovereign funds?
32:45Yes.
32:46Why is there, why so much money from them?
32:50What's going on?
32:51Look, you got two major players in Paramount on one end and Netflix on the other that desperately
32:58want to own the library that is Warner Brothers Discovery and HBO.
33:04That's what it is.
33:05And so it's just for the intellectual property.
33:07It's, it's.
33:08That's a huge part of.
33:09Now, Paramount is a slightly different animal.
33:11They want to also own CNN.
33:13They also want to own the Food Network and all of the linear properties that come with
33:18it.
33:19There's, both of these bids are a little apples and oranges in a way, but they're both fighting
33:23over effectively the same thing.
33:25And this is now going to be a combination of a follow the money story in terms of who's
33:29going to ultimately pay the most.
33:31And it's also a follow the 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue story because this president has already
33:38declared, and it's really the first time we've ever seen this, that he's going to be involved
33:41in the decision making when it comes to the regulations and whether one, you know, bidder
33:47effectively his deal gets allowed to happen or not.
33:50There's a still rising stock market.
33:52There is.
33:53Relatively low unemployment at 4.4%.
33:55Yep.
33:56And yet so many people feel like the economy is not good right now.
33:59Only 36% in recent polls say it's a good economy.
34:02Right.
34:03The affordability gap.
34:04The affordability gap, the, the plurality of people in polls blame Trump for things being
34:09too expensive.
34:12Square the circle for us.
34:12Why, why are things relatively good on paper, but bad for the people?
34:18Look, I think when wages don't always keep up with inflation, when products cost more,
34:22and especially because everything's relative, it's like, what did something cost six months
34:26ago or a year ago or two years ago?
34:28And how often do you show up at the supermarket?
34:30Or, I don't know, I took a cab across town today, and you'd be shocked at how much it
34:35costs.
34:36And so I think people...
34:37How much did it cost?
34:38You don't want to know.
34:39You don't want to know.
34:40My wife doesn't want you to know.
34:43The point is that when you see these kind of numbers, and they are surprising because
34:47it's a lot more than it was a year or two or three ago, you say to yourself, this doesn't
34:52feel good.
34:53There's a lot of concern right now about that AI may be a bubble.
34:59Yep.
35:00Okay.
35:01If it is a bubble, and I'm not saying it is, if it is a bubble, what survives this
35:09bubble?
35:10Because during, like, the housing bubble, when the bubble burst, there were still houses.
35:13During, like, commodities bubbles, like silver and gold late 70s, there were still silver
35:17and gold when it was over.
35:18What survives this?
35:19Because it seems like everyone's racing to be the winner of this.
35:24The bubble is putting money into all these different corporations who are actually kind
35:29of supporting each other by buying from each other.
35:33If this bubble bursts, what's going to be left over?
35:36Just some chips somewhere out in the desert and a lot of electrical bills?
35:39No, no.
35:40So look, I think there's hundreds of billions of dollars coursing through the economy right
35:43now via the AI bubble.
35:46And that's not just in semiconductors, it's people constructing these data centers, it's
35:51the energy complex, it's real estate.
35:53There's a lot of stuff.
35:54And those people are going out and hopefully they have jobs and they're buying stuff and
35:57watching shows like this and people are advertising to them to go buy more stuff.
36:01So this is having a real effect on the economy.
36:04The question is if the bubble bursts and all of these AI companies, which don't make enough
36:10money right this moment to pay for all of the stuff they're committing to go do, if that
36:15doesn't work out, if the math doesn't add, the problem is not going to be that we won't
36:20have AI in the future.
36:22It's that there's going to be a moment at which banks won't lend anybody money because
36:26they'll be on the hook for all of this.
36:28These tech companies will scale back.
36:30People will lose their jobs, they won't be spending money, and then it will filter out
36:34to the rest of the economy.
36:36Has any of these companies made any money?
36:39Look, Google makes an enormous amount of money, Amazon makes...
36:43But has the AI made any money?
36:46The AI?
36:47Well, the AI branch of each of like, you know, Google's got their AI, everything, yes.
36:51Technically, if they stopped investing in more and newer and better AI, they probably actually
36:59could make money.
37:00The problem is that they are in an arms race, and technologically, there's a place they're
37:04all trying to rush to get to, so they have to keep spending more and more and more money,
37:08and then we all are going to be using more and more of these services, and therefore it
37:13requires more and more power.
37:14And so that's where the economic problem becomes.
37:17Okay, I don't know if you've heard about this book, but you've got a new book here called
37:211929, Inside the Greatest Crash in Wall Street History and How It Shattered a Nation.
37:26What happened prior to 1929 that created the greatest crash, and do you see any of those
37:32factors today?
37:33Well, look, the 1920s arguably created the modern society we live in today and are very similar
37:41in many ways to today.
37:42This theater was built in 1927.
37:431929, most of New York was built in the 1920s.
37:47It's remarkable.
37:48But the biggest shift in the early 20s in America was we started to take on debt, credit.
37:56People never took on loans.
37:57It was a moral sin in America for most human beings to get a loan.
38:01Proper people did not do that.
38:03And it was in 1919, General Motors said, how are we going to sell more cars?
38:07We're going to loan people money so they can buy our cars.
38:10And that flipped a whole switch that changed America.
38:13And then Sears Roebuck started doing it with appliances, and then Wall Street started doing
38:17it with stocks.
38:18And they said, you want to go buy a stock?
38:20You can come to our little brokerage house.
38:21They were on the corners of streets like Starbucks back then.
38:23And you'd walk in.
38:24You'd give them a dollar.
38:25They'd loan you $10.
38:27And there was so much excitement.
38:29There were companies like RCA.
38:30That was like the Nvidia of its time.
38:33And people were going out of their minds.
38:35They were going bonkers to buy this stuff.
38:37The stock market between 1928 and 1929 went up by 90%.
38:42And people thought that they, you know, they hadn't been on the train.
38:44They thought this train's leaving the station.
38:45I get to get on.
38:47And of course, come October 1929, things went the other way.
38:51Do you see any of that behavior now, Andrew Ross Sorkin?
38:54Do you?
38:56You're the guest.
38:58You got the book.
39:00I think right now, and when I started writing this, I started working on this 10 years ago,
39:04I just wanted to write like an awesome narrative to get you inside the room,
39:08to make you feel like you were really there.
39:09That's what I thought I was trying to do.
39:10It doesn't read academically.
39:11It reads like just a story.
39:13But the scary part was as I was working on it, I kept going, oh, that happened?
39:20Tariffs happened this year.
39:21Well, that happened in 1930.
39:23And we saw what happened to the economy then.
39:26This idea of democratizing finance, that was the biggest theme in the 1920s.
39:30It's the biggest theme now with crypto.
39:32And, you know, AI is the hottest thing.
39:35RCA was the hottest thing.
39:37So, yes, I do think, unfortunately, there are parallels.
39:39Doesn't mean we have to have another 1929.
39:42I wrote a book, which we've talked about, Too Big to Fail, many years ago,
39:45about the 2008 financial crisis.
39:47And I always said, this book is supposed to be a prequel to that
39:51so that I don't have to write a sequel.
39:53Well, I hope we don't have you back for the sequel.
39:57Let's avoid a sequel.
40:00His book, 1929, is out now.
40:03Andrew Ross Sorkin, everybody.
40:07That's it for The Late Show tuning tomorrow.
40:14My guest will be Taylor Swift.
40:16Good night.
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