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00:00The House was overwhelmingly voting to compel the Department of Justice to release all of
00:06the Epstein files.
00:07Reversing his previous position, President Trump encouraged House Republicans to vote
00:11in favor of it and says he will sign the bill if it passes the Senate.
00:16The Late Show salutes American heroes, tonight House Republicans, for voting to release the
00:24Jeffrey Epstein files.
00:25These courageous Congress people risked everything and somehow found the grit to vote for truth
00:32and transparency, bravely standing up against this notorious pedophile, once they got permission
00:38from the pedophile's best friend.
00:40Oh wow, that's me.
00:42It's The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, tonight, filing out, plus Stephen welcomes Ted Danson,
00:55and Chef Alison Roman, featuring Louis Cato and the Late Show fans.
01:05And now, live on tape from the Ed Sullivan Theater in New York City, it's Stephen Colbert!
01:12Hey!
01:16Hey!
01:18Hey, friends!
01:20Hey!
01:21Nice to meet you!
01:22Have a great week to see me!
01:23Nice to meet you!
01:24Nice to meet you, down there!
01:25Hello, friends!
01:27Hello!
01:31Whoa!
01:31You look like you look like you look bigger!
01:33It's a look bigger!
01:33Very kind.
01:35Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome all to The Late Show.
01:41WONDERFUL TO HAVE YOU ALL HERE.
01:46I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
01:48NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I FEEL GOOD COMING OUT HERE.
01:54WHEN IT COMES TO CONGRESS, IT'S INCREASINGLY RARE THAT THINGS
01:58HAPPEN, AND TODAY, SOMETHING DID.
02:04THIS AFTERNOON, THE HOUSE VOTED TO RELEASE THE EPSTEIN FILES.
02:07THAT, THAT IS THE REACTION OF PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT IN THE FILES.
02:21I'M GUESSING, I'M GUESSING.
02:24IN FACT, IT PASSED OVERWHELMINGLY 427 TO ONE.
02:29WOW, WAIT, WAIT, HOLD ON, WAIT, TO ONE?
02:33WHO IS THE ONE VOTE TO KEEP THEM SECRET?
02:35DO WE HAVE A PICTURE OF THE GUY WHO VOTED AGAINST IT?
02:41WONDER WHO THAT WAS?
02:42WHO WAS THAT?
02:43I DON'T KNOW.
02:45OF COURSE, THE VOTE DOESN'T MEAN THE EPSTEIN FILES WILL BE
02:46RELEASED RIGHT AWAY.
02:48THE BILL NOW HAS TO GO TO THE SENATE, WHERE IT MAY BE AMENDED,
02:52AND IF IT'S PASSED THERE AND AMENDED, IT WOULD HAVE TO GO BACK
02:54TO THE HOUSE, WHERE IT HAS TO CROSS OVER A RIVER AND UNDER THE
02:56BRIDGE IS A TROLL.
02:58AND TO GET BY THE TROLL, YOU HAVE TO ANSWER HIS RIDDLE,
03:00WHAT WALKS ON TWO CANKELS IN THE MORNING, RIDES A GOLF COT
03:06IN THE AFTERNOON, AND IS TOTALLY IN THE EPSTEIN FILES.
03:12THANK YOU.
03:13THEN AGAIN, IT MIGHT BE WAY SIMPLER THAN THAT,
03:16BECAUSE AS OF THIS TAPING, THIS IS STILL HAPPENING?
03:19AS OF THIS TAPING, SINCE THE VOTE WAS SO HUGE AND OVERWHELMING
03:23IN THE HOUSE, THE SENATE MAY VOTE ON THE EPSTEIN FILES TONIGHT.
03:31SO, SOON, SOON, I MEAN, TOMORROW, WE MIGHT KNOW EVERYTHING
03:35HE AND HIS PERVERT BUDDIES DID, MEANING IT'S EPSTEIN ROCKIN' EVE.
03:40STAY UP, STAY UP FOR A BALL DROP, YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO MISS.
03:47THIS, YEAH, I AGREE, I AGREE.
03:50THIS IS A DRAMATIC LEGISLATIVE TURNAROUND.
03:52THIS IS A HUGE LOSS FOR TRUMP, MAKE NO MISTAKE.
03:54FOR GOING ON FOUR MONTHS NOW, TRUMP AND SPEAKER MIKE JOHNSON
03:57FOUGHT THE RELEASE OF THE EPSTEIN FILES WITH EVERY CONGRESSIONAL TOOL
04:01THEY HAD, AND KEEP IN MIND, CONGRESS IS LOADED WITH SOME MAJOR TOOLS.
04:05BUT, WHEN IT LOOKED LIKE REPUBLICANS WERE DEFECTING EN MASS
04:10AND THEY WERE GONNA LOSE BIG, THEY WERE SUDDENLY ALL IN,
04:13LIKE-LIKE THEY ALWAYS WERE, RIGHT, MIKE?
04:16REPUBLICANS SUPPORT MAXIMUM TRANSPARENCY, WE ALWAYS HAVE.
04:21THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES SUPPORTS MAXIMUM TRANSPARENCY.
04:25YES, THE PRESIDENT HAS ALWAYS SUPPORTED MAXIMUM TRANSPARENCY,
04:29A HEALTHY DIET OF LEAFY GREENS, AND...
04:33THE UNDERSTATED ANDROGYNOUS SENSUALITY OF A FLATCHESTED WOMAN.
04:37HE, UH, PRESIDENT WOULD-WOULD BE HERE, HE CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW,
04:40BECAUSE HE'S-HE'S JOGGING TO BIBLE STUDY.
04:43PUT THAT OVER-PUT THAT OVER THERE.
04:46HAD BEEN MOVED THE PODIUM OVER THERE.
04:49TRUMP HAS CLEARLY JUST- JUST GIVEN UP THE FIGHT.
04:52HERE'S WHAT HE SAID AT A PRESS CONFERENCE YESTERDAY.
04:54I'M FOR ANY-I-I-I DON'T-THEY CAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT.
04:59I'LL GIVE THEM EVERYTHING.
05:00SURE I WOULD.
05:02YES.
05:03WHEN IT COMES TO ANYTHING TO DO WITH EPSTEIN,
05:05HE'LL ALWAYS SIGN RIGHT ON THE DOTTED PUBE.
05:08NOW, YOU MIGHT NOTICE- YOU MIGHT NOTICE-
05:13I DON'T KNOW- HOW ARE YOU DOING?
05:17ALL RIGHT?
05:18YOU GUYS OKAY OVER THERE?
05:19ALL RIGHT.
05:20EVERYBODY OKAY OVER THERE?
05:21ALL RIGHT.
05:22NOW, YOU MIGHT NOTICE THAT TRUMP'S VOICE IS A LITTLE RASPY THERE.
05:24ONE OF THE REPORTERS ASKED HIM ABOUT IT.
05:26THE HELP OF THE PRESIDENT IS ALWAYS NEEDED.
05:28YOUR VOICE STANDS A LITTLE ROUGH.
05:29ARE YOU FEELING RIGHT NOW?
05:30I-I FEEL GREAT.
05:31I WAS SHOUTING AT PEOPLE BECAUSE, UH,
05:34THEY WERE STUPID ABOUT SOMETHING HAVING TO DO WITH, UH,
05:38TRADE AND A COUNTRY, AND I STRAIGHTENED IT OUT.
05:41BUT I BLEW MY STACK AT THESE PEOPLE.
05:47SIR.
05:53I WANT TO PUT THIS DELICATELY, BUT IF YOU WANT US TO STOP
05:56TALKING ABOUT THE EPSTEIN E-MAILS, I WOULDN'T USE THE PHRASE,
05:59I BLEW ANYTHING.
06:03TRUMP ALSO, OKAY, I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP.
06:08TRUMP ALSO TALKED ABOUT HOW HE SICKED THE DOJ ON DEMOCRATS
06:13WHO KNEW EPSTEIN.
06:13I BELIEVE THAT MANY OF THE PEOPLE THAT WE-SOME OF THE PEOPLE
06:17THAT WE MENTIONED ARE, UH, BEING LOOKED AT VERY SERIOUSLY
06:20FOR THEIR RELATIONSHIP TO JEFFREY EPSTEIN,
06:22BUT THEY WERE WITH HIM ALL THE TIME.
06:24I WASN'T.
06:24I WASN'T AT ALL.
06:25HE'S RIGHT.
06:27HE WASN'T WITH EPSTEIN ALL THE TIME, JUST THIS TIME, AND THIS TIME,
06:32AND THIS TIME, AND THIS TIME, AND THIS TIME, AND THIS TIME.
06:37CLEARLY, WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO?
06:41CLEARLY, WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO?
06:46THEY GOT RENDED THE SAME BIKE?
06:49CLEARLY, ALL THE EPSTEIN TALK IS GETTING TO TRUMP.
06:51THIS WEEKEND, HE LOST IT AT A FEMALE REPORTER.
06:55THAT IS DISGUSTING, AND I'M TOLD WE HAVE A RESPONSE.
07:08HI-YA!
07:11YEAH.
07:13YEAH!
07:16OH, TODAY, TODAY WAS A BIG ONE AT THE WHITE HOUSE,
07:24BECAUSE TRUMP GOT A VISIT FROM ONE OF HIS DICTATOR BESTIES,
07:27SAUDI CROWN PRINCE MOHAMMAD BIN SALMAN,
07:30SEEN HERE AFTER THE PHOTOGRAPHER YELLED,
07:32NOW DO A SILLY ONE.
07:35TRUMP'S BEEN WORKING OVERTIME TO MAKE THE PRINCE FEEL AT HOME,
07:39FIRST BY REDECORATING THE OVAL OFFICE TO LOOK LIKE THE MEN'S
07:42ROOM AT A RIAD STRIP CLUB.
07:44AS A REMINDER, IT'S BEEN SEVEN YEARS SINCE MBS HAS BEEN INVITED
07:48TO THE WHITE HOUSE, POSSIBLY BECAUSE MONTHS AFTER HIS LAST VISIT,
07:52HIS AGENTS KILLED AND DISMEMBERED WASHINGTON POST COLUMNIST
07:56JAMAL KASHOJI IN ISTAMBUL,
07:58AND A U.S. INTELLIGENCE ASSESSMENT DETERMINED
08:01THAT HE HAD PROBABLY ORDERED IT.
08:03AND BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA,
08:05OUR JOURNALISTS ARE FREE TO ASK HIM ABOUT IT.
08:07YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS, THE U.S. INTELLIGENCE CONCLUDED
08:10THAT YOU ORCHESTRATED THE BRUTAL MURDER OF A JOURNALIST.
08:13YOU'RE MENTIONING SOMEBODY THAT WAS EXTREMELY CONTROVERSIAL.
08:17A LOT OF PEOPLE DIDN'T LIKE THAT GENTLEMAN THAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
08:19WHETHER YOU LIKE HIM OR DIDN'T LIKE HIM, THINGS HAPPENED,
08:22BUT HE KNEW NOTHING ABOUT IT, AND WE CAN LEAVE IT AT THAT.
08:25YOU DON'T HAVE TO EMBARRASS OUR GUEST BY ASKING A QUESTION LIKE THAT.
08:28HOW DARE YOU EMBARRASS OUR GUEST?
08:30NOW HE'S GONNA FEEL ALL SELF-CONSCIOUS
08:32WHEN HE TRIES TO CHOP UP SOMEBODY LIKE YOU.
08:35ALSO, JAMAL KASHOJI WAS ONLY CONTROVERSIAL TO THE CROWN PRINCE.
08:40AND EVEN IF HE WAS CONTROVERSIAL TO EVERYBODY,
08:42THAT DOESN'T EXCUSE MURDERING HIM.
08:45THE NEW CRACKER BARREL LOGO WAS CONTROVERSIAL,
08:48BUT NOBODY CHOPPED UP THE OLD GUY IN THE LOGO
08:50AND STUFFED HIS BODY PARTS IN THE BARREL,
08:52EVEN THOUGH IT'S SPECIFICALLY A BARREL FOR CRACKERS.
08:57IT'S BEEN... IT'S BEEN...
09:00I GOT A COUPLE.
09:02YOU GUYS GOT A COUPLE?
09:03I GOT A COUPLE THOUGHTS.
09:05I GOT SOME THOUGHTS.
09:07IT'S REALLY... OH, IT'S BEEN SOMETHING A TOUGH COUPLE OF DAYS FOR TRUMP,
09:10BUT YESTERDAY HE GOT TO DO SOMETHING, YOU KNOW, JUST FOR HIM.
09:13I'M THRILLED TO BE HERE WITH THE MEN AND THE WOMEN
09:17WHO ARE REALLY THE HEART AND SOUL OF ONE OF THE GREATEST,
09:19MOST ADMIRED, AND MOST SUCCESSFUL COMPANIES
09:21IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, FRANKLY.
09:24THE ONE AND ONLY MCDONALD'S.
09:27I LOVE YOU.
09:28THE ONE AND ONLY.
09:29I LOVE YOU GUYS, BECAUSE OF MCDONALD'S,
09:31THEY NEVER ASK ME ABOUT JEFFREY EPSTEIN.
09:34I THINK, IT'S HARD TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY'RE SAYING
09:36THROUGH THAT LITTLE DRIVE-IN SPEAKER.
09:39THE EVENT WAS THE ANNUAL MEETING OF FRANCHISE OWNERS
09:42THAT THEY CALL THE MCDONALD'S IMPACT SUMMIT.
09:45IT'S THE NATION'S SECOND BIGGEST CORPORATE FAST FOOD CONFERENCE,
09:48RIGHT AFTER, ARBY'S, WE HAVE THE MEETINGS.
09:54NOW, TRUMP BRAGGED.
09:57HE BRAGGED A BIT, SURE, ARBY'S, WHY NOT?
10:01A LITTLE HORSEY SAUCE GOES A LONG WAY.
10:04TRUMP BRAGGED ABOUT HOW HE'S BEEN FORCE-FEEDING
10:06MCDONALD'S TO ALL OF HIS MAGA BUDDIES.
10:08YOU FED US VERY WELL, AND I EVEN GOT BOBBY KENNEDY
10:10TO EAT A BIG MAC.
10:13AND HE TOLD ME HE LOVED IT.
10:17HE DIDN'T WANT THAT PUBLICIZED.
10:18HE TOLD ME HE LOVED IT.
10:19YEAH.
10:21YEAH, IN FACT, HERE'S AN ACTUAL PICTURE
10:23OF THEIR MCDONALD'S IN-FLIGHT MEAL,
10:25AND YOU CAN SEE JUST HOW MUCH BOBBY LOVED IT.
10:30BOBBY'S... BOBBY'S NEVER REALLY BEEN A DRIVE-THROUGH FAN.
10:35HE PREFERS, UH, DRIVE-OVER FOOD.
10:38NOW, TRUMP SPOKE FOR ALMOST AN HOUR.
10:41AN HOUR?
10:42HE SPOKE FOR ALMOST AN HOUR.
10:44AND HE SHOUTED OUT HIS MENU FAVORITES.
10:46NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE,
10:47EVERYONE LOVES SOMETHING AT MCDONALD'S.
10:50THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING TO HAVE.
10:53I LIKE THE FISH.
10:55I LIKE IT.
11:07I DON'T KNOW.
11:08WHAT ON EARTH WAS THAT SOUND?
11:09IS HE...
11:11IS DONALD TRUMP GETTING THE FISH
11:12OUT OF THE COKE FREESTYLE MACHINE?
11:15I GOT DR. PEPPER, A SPLASH OF SPRITE,
11:17AND, OOH, SCRAD.
11:24THAT WASN'T THE ONLY NOISE
11:26THAT CAME OUT OF HIS FILLET HOLE.
11:27HE WAS GOING LIKE, SIR, YEAH.
11:32D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-SKEDADDLE.
11:34THE WORD SKEDADDLE, PSH.
11:36IT'S ALWAYS BLANK BLANK BLANK DRIP DRIP WATER.
11:37WE CALL IT THE DRIP DRIP.
11:39WE'RE DRIP DRIP BING BING BING.
11:45WE'RE DRIP BECAUSE...
11:48COULD WE GET A ROUND OF MRI'S FOR THE TABLE?
11:52COULD WE?
11:53I'LL PAY FOR IT...
11:55I'LL PAY FOR IT.
11:57NOT YOU TOO?
11:58THREE-ARGE WETS.
12:00Trump continued his heartfelt McPraise.
12:05While other politicians fly around on campaign planes stocked with expensive catering, on
12:11Trump Force One, prior to ascending to Air Force One, we served only McDonald's almost
12:18every time.
12:19Yes, in fact, I love McDonald's so much I wrote you a little song.
12:23Old McDonald's makes me food, burgers, shakes and fries, and on a plane I often lick ketchup
12:28off my ties with a lick-lick here, a lick-lick there, here a lick, there a lick, everywhere
12:33a lick-lick, old McDonald's, I love you, Epstein killed himself.
12:37We've got a great show for you tonight, my guests are Ted Danson, and Chef Alison Roman,
12:43who can come back, I answer your kids' questions, they're adorable.
12:58Please say hello to the band friends, right over there, there you go.
13:21Hey!
13:22Hey!
13:23Hey!
13:24Uh, kids.
13:26They're those little people hiding behind the iPads at the dinner table.
13:32One thing we know about kids is they ask a lot of questions, and that's why I created
13:35a segment on the show here where I give parents a break by answering real questions from real
13:40kids.
13:42We have had some trouble naming this segment in the past.
13:44First we called it, Steven Takes Your Kids.
13:46Not a great title, and none of the others we tried were much better, so I just asked our
13:52writers to come up with a little title that parents, uh, can understand means I'm gonna
13:57take, uh, their kids to babysit while they take a break.
14:02So it's time for...
14:03Steven Colbert sits on your baby!
14:10So you're choosing to do this to me?
14:12It's a common phrase.
14:13There's no way you didn't...
14:15Hey, kids!
14:16Who's got a question for me?
14:18Why is standard paper eight-and-a-half by eleven inches?
14:22Well, Emelyn, that's because paper is named after Joseph T. Paper, who was eight-and-a-half
14:28inches tall by eleven inches wide.
14:30Sadly, he passed away when he got into a fight and somebody three-hole punched him.
14:35Who's next?
14:36What?
14:37Ow.
14:38Your favorite princess, Steven.
14:43Thanks for that question, Maggie.
14:46I'd say my favorite princess is probably Boudica, ruler of the Iceni, a Celtic warrior
14:52who raised an army to fight against the Roman invasion of the British Isles in roughly 60
14:56A.D.
14:57Now, it's estimated that Boudica's army killed 70,000 Romans, making her a symbol of resistance
15:02and a national icon.
15:04So I would definitely say Boudica.
15:06Or maybe Elsa.
15:07Her hair's so pretty.
15:09Who's got another question?
15:11What makes me talk?
15:14Well, Cassidy, I don't know about you, but the way to make me talk is to pull the string
15:19in my back that activates one of my prerecorded catchphrases.
15:23Give it up for Louis Cato and the Lake Show Band.
15:28Next question.
15:30Mr. Colbert, how do whales brush their teeth?
15:34Great question, Jonah.
15:35Wait.
15:36Jonah, are you by any chance inside of a whale right now?
15:40If so, you're in a great position to brush its teeth from the inside.
15:44Then at the end, when it spits out the toothpaste, you can finally escape.
15:48Trust me.
15:49It's in the Bible.
15:51Who's next?
15:52How do you know so many famous people?
15:56Good question.
15:57But to really answer that, you'd have to ask my close personal friend, Charlie XCX.
16:02Charlie?
16:03Well, Lilia, Steven knows a lot of famous people because every time he sees one at a party,
16:08he corners them and won't stop talking until they agree to exchange numbers with him.
16:13Then he puts them all on a massive group chat and won't stop texting because he's what we call a social climber.
16:21Yep.
16:22Him again.
16:23Steven, stop sending Shrek memes.
16:26Oh, Charlie XCX, you're so funny and are my friend.
16:32Next question.
16:33What's at the end of the universe?
16:35Well, Alex, nobody knows for sure, but one of the leading scientific theories is that the universe will expand exponentially
16:43until all matter and energy is uniformly distributed and we reach something called maximum entropy.
16:50Over a span of hundreds of trillions of years, all heat will vanish from the universe and all the stars will disappear.
16:57Except, of course, for Paul Rudd, whose hotness is immune to time.
17:02Next question.
17:03How do you fart?
17:05I hate to brag, Jack, but the way I fart is silent, odorless, and basically undetectable.
17:18Next question.
17:19Steven, how do you know if you have cooties and what are they?
17:23Important question, Thurston.
17:25You know you have cooties because there'll be some subtle signs.
17:29For instance...
17:33Breaking news.
17:34We have just learned that Steven Colbert has cooties.
17:37Cooties, of course, are a combination of bug slash disease that result in an incurable condition medical professionals
17:44refer to as permanently gross.
17:47No word yet on how Steven contracted cooties, though there are unconfirmed reports that at one point he may have kissed a girl.
17:54Sources say he liked it.
17:57Back to you, Steven.
17:58Thank you for that report, Anderson.
18:00Well, kids, I hope that answers all your questions.
18:02And parents, if your kids have questions at home, please post a video to social media with the hashtag
18:08ColbertKidQuestions or submit a video at the link below and we just might feature it in our next installment of...
18:15Steven Colbert sits on your baby!
18:20Thank you to Charlie XCX and Anderson Cooper.
18:23We'll be right back with Ted Danson.
18:27Welcome back to the show, everybody.
18:42Ladies and gentlemen, laid back tonight.
18:45Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest this evening is an Emmy-winning actor and activist.
18:50You know best from Cheers, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and The Good Place.
18:54He currently stars in A Man on the Inside.
18:57Oh, hey.
18:58Hey.
18:59I was just thinking about you.
19:01Really?
19:02Neat.
19:03Because I was also thinking about you.
19:04Hmm.
19:05Want to grab some lunch?
19:07That would be lovely.
19:08Perfect.
19:09Let's do it.
19:10Let's get some lunch.
19:11Actually, I can.
19:12Whoa.
19:13Getting real mixed signals here.
19:15I forgot.
19:16I'm meeting a friend.
19:18Stupid friends.
19:19Stupid friends.
19:20They ruin everything.
19:21Just go have a lovely time with your friend, and you know where to find me, okay?
19:30Okay.
19:33Thank you for kissing me.
19:36Please welcome Ted Danson.
19:51Come on, Al.
19:52There you go.
20:04Nice to see you again.
20:05Nice to see you, too.
20:06Yeah.
20:07Emmy night or something.
20:08Yeah, we ran into each other at a party.
20:10Yeah.
20:11At a show.
20:12Yeah.
20:13Yeah.
20:14Nice to see you again.
20:15Nice to see you, too.
20:16Yeah.
20:17Emmy night or something.
20:18Yeah, we ran into each other at a party.
20:20At Chateau Marmont.
20:21That's how fancy we are.
20:22It's very cool to meet you.
20:23Very cool to see you again.
20:24And even cooler to meet your wife.
20:26Oh, yeah.
20:27Evie's much cooler.
20:28Rock and roll.
20:29You have been so successful for so long.
20:33Look at all the shows that people have loved you in.
20:35Cheers.
20:36CSI.
20:37Bored to Death.
20:38Curb Your Enthusiasm.
20:39The Good Place.
20:40And now, A Man on the Inside.
20:41I do like to ask about their early years of struggle, though.
20:45Because, especially when someone has been so long since the struggle, I'm just curious,
20:49what did success, like making it, what was your standard?
20:54When you knew, like, okay, I'm, uh, something's happening for me.
20:57Here's what I, here's what I know my life is working.
21:01Clean underwear and socks that match.
21:04Socks that match.
21:07Then I know.
21:10Yeah.
21:11Were you just doing your laundry more frequently or were you buying fresh socks every so often?
21:17I should have left clean underwear out of that.
21:19Just had gone with match socks.
21:21Always clean underwear.
21:22Because that's, clean underwear implies a much darker story from the earlier part of your life.
21:29Yeah.
21:30Um, uh, you said, you have said that you want to know what it's like to be funny at every age.
21:33Yep.
21:34You want to, you want to just keep working for as long as you can.
21:36Yep.
21:37You are now 77 years old.
21:39What is, what is...
21:42Double lucky.
21:43Very sexy.
21:44It's very sexy.
21:45It is.
21:46Well, it's very lucky, 77.
21:47Yes.
21:48Double, double sevens.
21:49That means you did something, oh, I hadn't thought of that.
21:50Wow.
21:51Wow.
21:52Yeah, well, that's what I, that's why they gave me this job.
21:55Temporarily.
21:56Now, I'm just curious, what's funny about 77?
22:01Um, I, I love pratfalls and physical comedies.
22:05So, anytime I can be physically funny.
22:08But I, here's what has become funny.
22:10My, it's not that I'm trying either.
22:13It's, my run has become funny.
22:16It's more of a scurry that's close to the ground in case I fall.
22:22It won't hurt so much.
22:24Now, is that, is that because you're 77 or because you've been comedy running for so long
22:29that you can no longer remember what real running is like?
22:32Because my wife, Evie, blames, she says, you, when you go to run someplace fast,
22:37you do this thing at the beginning that is no human does.
22:40I do this.
22:41I do this.
22:42She goes, we gotta go.
22:43I go, and then I run.
22:45And she goes, why do you do the thing first?
22:49And she goes, no one, no one does that.
22:52A couple of years ago, I started doing fake trips.
22:55Oh, yeah, yeah.
22:56So that I could do it and then go, I'm just kidding.
22:59Now, they've blended into real trips, but I can still go, just kidding.
23:03Exactly.
23:04You pawn it off.
23:05That's nice.
23:06Yeah.
23:07Season, season two of the new show, A Man in the Inside, premieres this week.
23:11You play a retiree who goes undercover for a local private investigator.
23:18Based on a true story.
23:19That's what I understand.
23:20A documentary out of Chile.
23:21Yeah.
23:22Santiago, Chile.
23:23Sergio was this 82-year-old man who had shut down because his wife had died here before
23:29and he was getting more and more isolated and he randomly picked an ad saying, very funny,
23:35actually, a gentleman from 75 to 85, good with technology.
23:40And they put him into a retirement home to see if something bad was happening.
23:46Turns out it wasn't.
23:47But it was so sweet, so gently funny and full of heart and dealt with some of the hard stuff
23:54with aging.
23:55And we solved the crime last year and so we've moved on to a liberal arts college where there's
24:01a mystery happening, a crime, which is kind of cool because Mike Schur is really good at
24:07finding things in society or knowing that they're coming.
24:11I don't know how he did it because he's been planning this for two or three years.
24:14But liberal arts colleges are kind of under attack nowadays and so there's a celebration
24:20of liberal arts in the midst of this mystery.
24:23And the other thing is second chances.
24:25Do you get to fall in love again if you've lost the love of your life?
24:29And I get to play that out with my wife, Mary.
24:32I know.
24:33That is extraordinary because not only are you playing a chance to fall in love a second
24:43time, but you get to fall in love all over again with somebody you already fell in love
24:46with.
24:47What is that like to show up on set with this woman you fell in love with 30 years ago to
24:52then re-fall in love with her?
24:53Is that...
24:54We...
24:55Do you have any...
24:56Do you plan ahead of time how...
24:58No.
24:59No?
25:00No.
25:01The actor in us, you learn your lines and then you show up and you do the circumstances
25:08and all of that, but you want to try to be real in the moment and present and all of
25:13that.
25:14Like you and I are right now.
25:16Right.
25:17I'm like, I'm falling right into those baby blues right there.
25:22I feel like Diane.
25:24But with Mary, I hate love scenes.
25:27I hate love scenes with other people.
25:29It's like how do you do...
25:30Like making love or just love?
25:31No, just love scenes and I never made love on...
25:34They never paid me to be sexy.
25:36You've never made love on camera?
25:38I kissed.
25:39Oh, okay.
25:40But no, I was the guy who made good jokes about sex, but not actually.
25:45Okay.
25:46Keep your shirt on.
25:47Keep your shirt on, Ted, please.
25:48But with Mary, she loves me.
25:50I love her and I can throw myself into it because there's no guilt.
25:55Because if it's a stranger, it's like, oh, this is wrong.
25:58Or is it nice?
25:59No.
26:00No, it's wrong.
26:01It's wrong.
26:02I mean, listen, I acted a bit when I was younger, but I never had...
26:06I guess no one ever wrote me a love scene.
26:08And so there's a little guilt involved with like giving yourself over to the attraction to another woman.
26:15Yes, yes.
26:16So you hold yourself back.
26:17But I got to not hold myself back and fall madly in love with my wife.
26:21And that's pleasant.
26:22We have to take a quick break, but don't go away.
26:25We'll be right back with more Ted Danson, everybody.
26:32Hey, everybody.
26:33We're here with the lovely and talented Mr. Ted Danson.
26:45The Emmy night when we met at that party afterwards, you and Mary had been honored that evening with the Bob Hope Humanitarian Award.
26:52Right.
26:53It was a lovely evening.
26:54You guys gave a lovely speech.
26:55People said lovely things about you.
26:56Yes, they too.
26:57I'm just curious.
26:58Where did you learn your sense of humanitarianism, your sense of service for other people?
27:03That's a big thing titled...
27:05I end up feeling like...
27:06Saint?
27:07Is Saint easier?
27:08Yeah.
27:10That's kind of a given.
27:11Great.
27:14One of my kids went to a psychic one day and the psychic said,
27:17You know, your father walked with Jesus.
27:19And she made the mistake of telling me that.
27:23And you throw that back in your kid's face?
27:25It is my image of that moment.
27:27Fellas, wait up.
27:28It's me, Ted.
27:30And Jesus is like, oh, it's Ted again.
27:33We already have 12.
27:34I'll let you know if somebody dies.
27:39My father was an archeologist.
27:41He...
27:42Yeah, it was cool.
27:43That's fun.
27:44Academic?
27:45Like, was he teaching?
27:46He was a professor.
27:47Then he was out in the field and he was digging and, you know, the whole thing.
27:51And you see civilizations going way back.
27:53So, what I got from him, and he actually said these words, but it kind of absorbed it, was this life, this time right now is not just about you.
28:03It's about, you know, the stewardship of what you've been given.
28:07And that kind of soaked in.
28:09And so, when something came up, for me it was fighting offshore oil drilling in California.
28:14And I met this environmental lawyer, became friends, and we kicked their butts and won.
28:20And you start finding people in organizations that you enjoy, who are doing good work, and you support them, you know.
28:29You got arrested a few years back with Jane Fonda, right there.
28:33Was that your first arrest?
28:35Protesting, it was climate action.
28:37Protests.
28:39She's, yeah, she's definitely one of my heroes in life, truly.
28:43That is, that's called the champagne of arrests.
28:47I have a kind of a bad shoulder, and they came out and said, Mr. Danson, if you don't leave now, we're going to have to cuff you and take you to jail.
28:55And I said, okay, um, can you cuff me in the front? My shoulder hurts.
29:00You know?
29:01Yes, Mr. Danson, of course.
29:03So, champagne.
29:05Has nothing to do with real arrests.
29:07Had you, did you get, did you, uh, did you mix it up when you were young?
29:10Like, were you active and rebellious?
29:12No.
29:13At protests as a young?
29:14We were stupid once or twice.
29:17It's a fine line.
29:18We, uh, we lived in this beautiful Flaxstaff area, just gorgeous, you know, countryside.
29:24And there were, there was a period where there were billboards, one after another.
29:28And so we decided, with the help of a geologist that was working there, we'd go out at midnight and we'd cut them down.
29:34Boom.
29:35You cut down all the billboards?
29:37Yes.
29:38To restore the view or something?
29:39Yes.
29:40To, you know, protest.
29:41You know.
29:42Stupid.
29:43Like I said, stupid.
29:44But here's how stupid.
29:45We cut down every sign except the sign for my father's museum.
29:52Aha!
29:53Boy, he kicked our butts.
29:56He was not a happy man.
29:58Ah.
29:59You're also hosting a podcast where everybody knows your name.
30:02Hosted by Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson.
30:05Sometimes.
30:07There you are.
30:08Here you are.
30:09Back in, uh, back in the day.
30:11Right there.
30:12Yeah.
30:15Who?
30:16Yes?
30:17Did you have something you wanted to?
30:19Everybody.
30:20Literally everything we tried to do to beat Woody at anything.
30:23He kicked our butts.
30:25You're a big guy.
30:26You never beat him at arm wrestling?
30:27Nothing.
30:28Basketball.
30:29Nothing.
30:30Pool.
30:31Chess.
30:32No.
30:33He's one of my best friends.
30:35And what a wonderfully odd duck.
30:37Well, just the two of you.
30:39Just the two of you hanging is worth a listen.
30:42Who's a guest that you haven't been able to get that you really want?
30:44Is it somebody you're pursuing?
30:45I'm not.
30:46I don't.
30:47My brain doesn't work that way.
30:48But we just had, uh, Carol Burnett.
30:51Oh.
30:52The best.
30:53The best.
30:54We had Dick Van Dyke.
30:57Dick Van Dyke?
30:58Yes, yes.
30:59He's gonna be a hundred like in a week, right?
31:01I know, I know.
31:02That's fantastic.
31:03He was my hero.
31:04I didn't grow up with TVs and my first TV was at Stanford and I turned it on at 11 o'clock
31:09and there was Dick Van Dyke tripping over the ottoman.
31:11Yeah, sure.
31:12I was hooked.
31:13That's, that's, that's, there's your guide.
31:15There's your north star for physical comedy.
31:17There's my socks and clean underwear right there.
31:20Ted, thanks so much for being here.
31:22Pleasure.
31:23Let's see.
31:24Season two of A Man on the Inside premieres Thursday on Netflix.
31:29It's Ted Danson, everybody.
31:31We'll be right back with Chef Alison Roman.
31:47Hello.
31:48Welcome back once again to The Late Show.
31:51Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is one of my favorite chefs and a New York Times bestselling cookbook author.
31:57Please welcome back to The Late Show, Alison Roman.
32:00Alison, thanks so much for being here.
32:01Hi.
32:03Good to see you.
32:04What do we got here?
32:05The new cookbook is something from nothing.
32:07Yeah, something from nothing.
32:08Which I think is a fantastic, because mostly a lot of people have nothing in there.
32:12And you can make something from it, is what I'm saying.
32:13You can make nothing.
32:14Okay.
32:15So what is the most something you've ever made from nothing?
32:17God, I feel like a boiled potato with salt is a really underrated snack, but it does sound like food that you would eat if you were really in trouble.
32:25I'm Irish, I'm all in.
32:26Let's do it.
32:27Yeah, that feels like very on brand.
32:28What are we making tonight?
32:29This is a bit more something, I guess.
32:31But this is going to be a crispy chicken cutlet with Parmesan and burst tomatoes.
32:37And basically, I dedicate like an entire page in the book to panko breadcrumbs, because the book is sort of like, what can you keep in your pantry that will make you feel like you can make something?
32:47Okay.
32:48And for me, panko breadcrumbs are that breadcrumbs.
32:50They are like a thing that I use for everything, and especially a cutlet.
32:53I'm all in.
32:54Great.
32:55I love anything breaded and fried.
32:56Let's do it.
32:57Exactly.
32:58Okay, so.
32:59So we got our cutlet right here.
33:00Yeah, so I feel like you, not everybody has like a mallet.
33:03Right.
33:04I feel like that's a very unique equipment, piece of equipment.
33:07And part of the book is also like, okay, I'm not calling for any equipment that you might not have, but we all have a tiny skillet.
33:13Yep.
33:14So carefully, and without hitting this, because this is hot.
33:16Hot oil.
33:17Yeah.
33:18We're going to pound this out a little bit.
33:19And kind of hold it closer.
33:20How much?
33:21Nope.
33:22We're not, it's not baseball style.
33:23You want to come up closer here.
33:25Put your thumb here.
33:26Yes.
33:27And like, yeah.
33:28There we go.
33:29I like it.
33:30Okay.
33:31Is that enough?
33:32His hand, your hand is in your pocket, which is extremely comfortable and casual.
33:39Sometimes, sometimes violence is the answer.
33:42Yeah.
33:43I like this.
33:44Are we good?
33:45I feel good.
33:46Don't do this when a baby is napping, though.
33:47Am I thin enough?
33:48Am I thin enough?
33:49Let me feel your chicken.
33:50A little bit.
33:51Basically, your chicken, yeah, okay.
33:52There we go.
33:54Okay.
33:55Okay, good.
33:56Yeah, your chicken's going to contract and become thicker when you cook it.
33:57So like, go a little thinner.
33:58Okay.
33:59But anyway, okay, crack an egg into here.
34:00Tonight we're serving contracted chicken.
34:01I know.
34:02It's very delicious sounding.
34:03Okay, so.
34:04Okay, crack an egg into here.
34:05Okay.
34:06Oh, wow.
34:07That egg really wanted.
34:08Wow.
34:09Okay.
34:10Once again, putting me to shame.
34:12Okay, there you go.
34:13In that department.
34:14All right.
34:15Basically, this is sort of like egg wash, crumb, and then there's parmesan in the crumb.
34:19So I am not a huge fan of what we like to call a crispy gone soggy food, meaning food that
34:26you spend the energy and effort making crispy and then only to like cover it in a bunch
34:30of sauce and then it gets soggy.
34:31No, that's a heartbreak.
34:32Feels like a crime.
34:33And so.
34:34How do you solve that?
34:35Well, you just keep it crispy, basically.
34:37And so I've put the parmesan in the thing.
34:38So your way to solve it is to don't do that.
34:40It's just don't do that.
34:41Yeah, basically.
34:42Now wait, I got to show panko breadcrumbs here.
34:44Is that some fancy chefs say you got to make your own panko breadcrumbs.
34:48Can I go buy a bag?
34:49Absolutely.
34:50People, you know, I feel like making your own breadcrumbs is a real fantasy.
34:54And we all love to live that fantasy, but that's not the world I'm living in.
34:57And I feel like breaking out a food processor to process like old bread.
35:02Like I also don't have old bread.
35:04I have bread that I eat and then there's no more bread.
35:06And so I feel like, you know, all right.
35:09Season your egg with a little salt.
35:10Season my egg with a little salt.
35:11Yeah.
35:12And also season your chicken.
35:13We're sort of like in a season as you go.
35:14We're going to season all of these things.
35:15You definitely season as you go.
35:17I've followed some of your recipes and you're all for like, just keep going.
35:20Just keep throwing some salt in there.
35:21Yeah.
35:22There you go.
35:23Restaurants serve so much more salt than we think.
35:25And that's what I'm saying.
35:26People are always like, why does it taste so good in a restaurant?
35:28Because they're using so much salt and so much olive oil.
35:30And people are like, how do I get my food to taste better?
35:32More salt, more olive oil.
35:33And you're like, oh, that was it actually.
35:36All right.
35:37So, okay.
35:38So you can use your hands or because we're on TV, use tongs.
35:40Yeah.
35:41Okay.
35:42At home, you used to be just knuckle deep at this point.
35:43I really would.
35:44Yeah.
35:45I just do whatever.
35:46You don't want to know what I do at home.
35:47Okay.
35:48What are the...
35:49You want to...
35:50Okay.
35:51What are you...
35:52Okay.
35:53Add your cheese to this too.
35:54Oh, add...
35:55Yeah.
35:56Oh, I was...
35:57You really over-achieving.
35:58I up.
35:59No, no, no.
36:00You're perfect.
36:01Just the way you are.
36:02No, you're just being nice because we're on TV.
36:03No, no, no.
36:04But you're going to yell at me when this is all over.
36:05I can feel it.
36:06It's like the parmesan cheese that gets brown on like a sheet pan or like a skillet.
36:10Oh, amazing.
36:11So that's basically what we're doing.
36:12It's candy.
36:13It's cheese candy.
36:14Yeah.
36:15So we're kind of...
36:16Okay.
36:17Well, not what I would call it, but we are going to recreate that flavor here.
36:18Get your own show.
36:19Yeah.
36:20I'm trying.
36:21All right.
36:22Speaking of chicken, I love your costume from this Halloween here.
36:26Oh, thank you.
36:27This is you and your husband as Ina Garten and her husband Jeffrey.
36:31Yeah.
36:32And is your son or daughter?
36:33I don't know.
36:34Son, Charlie.
36:35Did you say roast chicken?
36:36Yeah.
36:37We were like roast chicken and then he kind of looked like we were making chicken soup.
36:40And I don't know.
36:41We went with either.
36:42Whatever people wanted to say.
36:43Just tell me he wasn't soggy at the end.
36:45No.
36:46I would never do that to my son or chicken cutlet.
36:48All right.
36:49I'm really going for it with pressing the crumbs in because I'm...
36:51Yeah, I'm not touching it.
36:52I'm not touching it.
36:53I'm a Virgo.
36:54Okay.
36:55That's...
36:56Oh, look at that.
36:57She's hissing.
36:58Yeah.
36:59It's hissing.
37:00It's beautiful.
37:01It'll sizzle.
37:02It'll be delicious.
37:03So imagine we made it.
37:04We made it down here.
37:05Okay, great.
37:06I guess I have both.
37:07You have both?
37:08Isn't that nice?
37:09Okay.
37:10Mine, I would not recommend.
37:11No.
37:12No.
37:13Anyone in the pro row?
37:14Anyone?
37:15Little chicken?
37:16Guys, there you go.
37:17This is, I will say, you'll notice this is a sauce that we're going to put on it.
37:22Yes.
37:23But it's not like a heavy marinara sauce with like goopy cheese.
37:26It's sort of just like a light saucy burst tomato situation that you would cook in the same
37:30skillet.
37:31You know, you want to go ahead and do that?
37:32I would sure do that.
37:33While I am ladling, this looks fantastic.
37:35I'm just going to...
37:36Okay.
37:37Yeah.
37:38Really good.
37:39Oh my God.
37:40While I'm doing that...
37:41I'm going to somehow navigate...
37:42Would you serve this like with a side of pasta or...
37:44I would do a big peppery salad.
37:46You have to stop.
37:47Why?
37:48Why?
37:49Is that too much?
37:50That's way too much.
37:51Why is that too much?
37:52No, I said no.
37:53I said not too saucy.
37:54You're making it wet.
37:55Okay.
37:56Well, we can't eat this now.
37:57No.
37:58Okay.
37:59This is the most ridiculous...
38:00I'll hold the cheese.
38:01Okay.
38:02And I'll...
38:03Okay.
38:04There.
38:05Oh, it's so sweet.
38:08There we go.
38:09Okay.
38:10Okay.
38:11There we go.
38:12Anyway, if you're a fan of basil, which I am about once a year...
38:15Once a year?
38:16I know.
38:17It's very controversial.
38:18It's not my favorite herb.
38:19What's your favorite herb?
38:20Dill.
38:21Parsley.
38:22What?
38:23Someone said what?
38:24What?
38:25Exactly.
38:26I know.
38:27It's so good.
38:28Please don't say tarragon.
38:29No.
38:30That's like...
38:31I would say top eight, but not top five.
38:32It's a garbage herb.
38:33Wow.
38:34Garbage herb.
38:35Yes.
38:36What did it do to you?
38:37I had Bernays.
38:38Oh, Bernays is fantastic.
38:39Okay.
38:40Can I try it now?
38:41Well, not that.
38:42No, this.
38:43Can I try this?
38:44Yes, yes, yes.
38:45If it's too soggy, it's not my fault.
38:46Okay.
38:47That's all I'll say.
38:48But it will be delicious.
38:49Okay, here we go.
38:50I'm going in.
38:51There's no idea of a chicken parm, but like lighter, crunchier, crispier, fresher.
38:55Right?
38:56It's conceptually a chicken parm.
38:58Yeah.
38:59It has the words chicken...
39:00It doesn't want to be pinned down.
39:01It has the words chicken and parm in it, which counts for a lot.
39:04Oh.
39:05It's good.
39:06It's crispy.
39:07How's that cheese candy?
39:10There you go.
39:11Wow, never enough cheese.
39:12Something from nothing is available now.
39:13Alison Roman, everybody.
39:15That's it for The Late Show, folks.
39:17Tune in tomorrow.
39:18My guests will be Benedict Cumberbatch and Patton Oswald.
39:19Good night.
39:20That's it for The Late Show, folks.
39:21Tune in tomorrow.
39:22My guests will be Benedict Cumberbatch and Patton Oswald.
39:23Good night.
39:24That's it for The Late Show, folks.
39:34Tune in tomorrow.
39:35My guests will be Benedict Cumberbatch and Patton Oswald.
39:39Good night.
39:54Good night.
39:57Good night.
39:58чуть-чуть-nissed the way back.
40:02Good night.
40:06Good night.
40:09Good night.
40:14Good night.
40:16Good night.
40:17Good night.
40:20Action.
40:21Good night.
40:22Oh, my God.
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