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00:00LAUGHTER
00:02Richard and I go back a long way. We were in the Communards together.
00:05LAUGHTER
00:07APPLAUSE
00:12Still a bastard.
00:14LAUGHTER
00:30APPLAUSE
00:55Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:58I am Professor Hannah Frye.
01:00In the news this week, after several sherrys too many
01:03in Yates' Wine Lodge, Liz Truss tries to attack the landlord
01:06for telling her she's barred.
01:14In Teddington, security camera footage finally reveals
01:17the identity of a creepy peeping Tom.
01:22LAUGHTER
01:25And in Cambridge, Wales, there is a delicious sense of irony
01:37as the head of South East Water has to empty his block drains himself.
01:42LAUGHTER
01:43APPLAUSE
01:48On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who found fame
01:52by making shorts on YouTube.
01:54To be clear, that is comedy films, not a sewing channel.
01:56Please welcome Finley Christie.
01:58APPLAUSE
02:00On Paul's team tonight is a writer, retired vicar and former pop star
02:03who says he now sticks his money in ices rather than up his nose.
02:07LAUGHTER
02:08The way things are going there, Richard.
02:09Up your nose sounds far safer.
02:10Please welcome Reverend Richard Cole.
02:11APPLAUSE
02:12We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:13Ian and Finley, here's yours.
02:14Mm...
02:28New kind of AI.
02:30LAUGHTER
02:31That's Pinocchio.
02:32Yeah.
02:34And that's someone who does not lie.
02:35This is the Prime Minister.
02:36It is.
02:37And this is the Prime Minister. It is.
02:40Is that the level that this quiz has reached?
02:42We are now asked to identify who the Prime Minister is.
02:46Is this the fallout from the budget?
02:48It is the fallout from the budget, absolutely.
02:50Well, yes, the Chancellor has been accused of lying.
02:53Yes.
02:54Suggesting that things were worse with the economy than she said
02:59and that gave her the chance to raise taxes and spend more money.
03:03She thought, yeah, the black hole was not as big as she thought,
03:06but to be fair, black holes are normally massive.
03:09Absolutely right.
03:11The final OBR report on 31 October told Reeves that she was on course
03:14for a surplus of £4.2 billion, but four days later,
03:19she went on TV to tell us we are all doomed.
03:21Yes.
03:22And the extra money comes from the fact that she has given such large
03:25wage settlements to people, they have to pay taxes,
03:28so she has got more money than she thought she might have,
03:31which she didn't notice.
03:33So I think the answer is, put everybody's wages up,
03:35endlessly.
03:36LAUGHTER
03:38I'm not an economist.
03:39APPLAUSE
03:41You see, populism is incredibly easy.
03:46LAUGHTER
03:48So the economy is maybe not as bad as we thought,
03:50but what message of hope did the government have for young people
03:54this week?
03:55I didn't hear it.
03:56LAUGHTER
03:57I'm surprised you missed this, actually, Finlay, because Cabinet
04:00Office Minister Josh Simmonds said this week that the economic outlook
04:04for the under-50s is, frankly, shit.
04:08LAUGHTER
04:10Apparently, I am going to be richer on a state pension at 106,
04:16than you will be in your biggest earning year at 45,
04:20because you'll have to pay back so much interest on your student loan,
04:23after you had one.
04:24OK.
04:25What are you getting paid for this show?
04:26LAUGHTER
04:27Well, I mean, vicars have paid an absolute fortune.
04:31LAUGHTER
04:32He's just loaded, all those years working for the C of E.
04:35LAUGHTER
04:37How easy is it to be a vicar?
04:39LAUGHTER
04:40If you look around at the bench of bishops,
04:42you'll see it's a very low bar indeed.
04:44LAUGHTER
04:46I'm down, listen, I'm...
04:48Fuck this.
04:49LAUGHTER
04:50You've already got the lingo, to be fair.
04:52LAUGHTER
04:53APPLAUSE
05:00I think that the best response to the Budget
05:02actually came from Suffolk Police and Crime Commissioner
05:06Tim Passmore.
05:07Oh, yeah.
05:08You know him?
05:09No.
05:10He's this guy.
05:11I've just been listening to The Budget
05:13and Rachel Reeves coming to you.
05:15And I'm getting fed up with more and more taxes
05:17on everything that is done.
05:19I think the tourist idea...
05:21The idea of a tourist tax is complete nonsense.
05:23We've got to control welfare spending
05:25and stop putting extra taxes up.
05:27LAUGHTER
05:29He's a police commissioner.
05:33And a swinger, obviously.
05:34LAUGHTER
05:36APPLAUSE
05:38Up.
05:39APPLAUSE
05:41See where the word up is placed.
05:43LAUGHTER
05:45It's code.
05:47Quite easy to crack.
05:48Police commissioners are being scrapped, aren't they?
05:51Yeah.
05:52Because they've been decided they're a waste of money.
05:53LAUGHTER
05:54And there he is proving his work.
05:58Indeed.
05:59Out from the swings.
06:01Looking after our kids.
06:02LAUGHTER
06:03Now, you made that joke up yourself.
06:08LAUGHTER
06:09Your fault.
06:10Which Labour MP got in trouble this week?
06:11George Williams.
06:12No.
06:13No.
06:14I bet it sounded like it was a Labour MP, though, didn't I?
06:15You did.
06:16Almost had me.
06:17Is this Tulip Sadiq?
06:18It is Tulip Sadiq.
06:19Oh, yeah.
06:20She's in trouble because she was found guilty of corruption
06:21in Bangladesh and sentenced to two years in jail.
06:24Here is Tulip Sadiq with her aunt and an awkward plus-one.
06:26LAUGHTER
06:27David Lammy.
06:28Did he have any big news this week?
06:29Scrapping juries.
06:30Oh, yeah.
06:31Justice.
06:32There's a huge backlog in trials.
06:33Some people who have been charged now won't be tried for another five years.
06:35Absolutely.
06:36There's also another 12 prisoners that have been...
06:37Yes.
06:38Accidentally released.
06:39Mm.
06:40Mm.
06:41The last three weeks.
06:42So clumsy.
06:43Two of them, by the way, still at large, but he could halve that number if he just
06:47accepted that Bangladeshi extradition request.
06:50LAUGHTER
06:52But there's been a certain amount of debate about whether scrapping juries is a good idea,
07:09because then it's just a judge.
07:11That's better, though, surely.
07:13Not in my experience.
07:14Really?
07:15I'm quite keen on jury.
07:21LAUGHTER
07:22They're just not keen on you, are they?
07:24No.
07:25Shame.
07:26Shame.
07:27I feel like there's no other job where, like, your job can be done by just 12 random
07:31people.
07:32We're going for surgery and then we've got a primary school teacher and a bin man.
07:38We're going to just bring them up to speed on how to do it.
07:40LAUGHTER
07:41We really don't know much about the bishops of the Church of England.
07:44LAUGHTER
07:46Finally, what did Scottish Labour councillor Hanif Rajah try to get away with doing on
07:52a work Zoom call recently?
07:54He had nothing from the waist down.
07:56And Yodel came to the door and the rest is history.
07:58Yeah.
07:59That doesn't happen, obviously.
08:01LAUGHTER
08:03Can you see the slide OK and hear me?
08:09Yes, thanks.
08:10Perfect.
08:11LAUGHTER
08:12So, this application relates to the proposed construction of...
08:17Before we start, Bailey Raja, are you aware that your camera is live?
08:21LAUGHTER
08:25LAUGHTER
08:28Thing is, another councillor was shouting at him, log out, log out!
08:31And he was like, that's what I'm trying to do!
08:33APPLAUSE
08:40This is the news that, whether we are talking about OBR reports or prisoners,
08:43the government can't stop things being released too early.
08:46According to one poll on the Chancellor of the Exchequer,
08:49two-thirds of the public think Rachel Reeves should resign,
08:52to which a concerned Reeves remarked,
08:55blimey, that is nearly 50%.
08:57LAUGHTER
09:02One of those calling for Reeves' resignation
09:04was former Bank of England economist Andrew Sentence,
09:07although the full reasons why she should quit
09:09were laid out by his colleague Chris Paragraf.
09:12LAUGHTER
09:14Defending her attacks on Rachel Reeves, Tory leader Kemi Badenoch
09:17said it wasn't her job to provide emotional support,
09:21something she regularly reminds her children.
09:24LAUGHTER
09:27Also this week, a Labour politician was seen sitting on the toilet
09:30after leaving his camera on during a meeting.
09:33Hanif Rajar is a councillor for Pollock Shields.
09:36Given the angle of that camera, he could have done with a pair of those.
09:40LAUGHTER
09:42APPLAUSE
09:43OK.
09:44Paul and Richard, here's yours.
09:45OK, there's Jeremy Corbyn.
09:46They're launching a new party.
09:47And there's the choices of names, popular alliance, your party,
09:48and this is...
09:49Which one of them is clapping in time?
09:50You can't really tell, can you?
09:51LAUGHTER
09:52It's been quite chaotic, the launch of your party, as the name
09:55have settled on.
09:56They don't have one individual leader.
09:57There's a committee of people, isn't there,
09:58that's leading the party at the moment.
09:59Absolutely right.
10:00This is the newly formed hard left party, your party,
10:01originally set up by Labour rebels, Jeremy Corbyn and Zahra Sultana.
10:05Now, of course, the hard left, they hate being made fun of.
10:07So, let's begin with a montage of the best bits of the conference.
10:26Fine.
10:27For the many, we must organise.
10:33Consider about it.
10:35Talked a lot about the toxic politics of the Labour Party,
10:38but I tell you, there's some toxic politics in these sex.
10:40We are going to have to turn the mic off.
10:43Please speak to the option.
10:46I am speaking to the option.
10:48I'm addressing people's concerns.
10:51No booing conference.
10:56If you behave badly and are unkind, there will be consequences.
11:03Oh, conference.
11:06Dear, dear, dear.
11:11Those were the highlights.
11:13What is the party called, officially?
11:16Your party.
11:17Yeah. Absolutely.
11:18And I'll cry if I want to.
11:19It's such a bad name, isn't it?
11:23The worst kind of party is one that you're having.
11:26LAUGHTER
11:27Nobody wants...
11:28Oh, there's a party.
11:29Oh, where?
11:30Yours.
11:31Oh.
11:32It should be called someone else's party.
11:34Yeah.
11:35Calling it your party when the two leaders both think it's my party.
11:38Yeah.
11:39It's not good.
11:40But they had a vote and they've decided that neither of the two
11:43people who set up the party should sit on the committee that
11:46runs the party.
11:47The new party organisers, they didn't want to disintegrate into
11:50warring factions so soon.
11:51No.
11:52Oh, really?
11:53So they decided to reject anyone who they thought was a member
11:56of another party.
11:57So, the Socialist Workers Party.
11:59Yeah.
12:00The People's Front of Judea.
12:01LAUGHTER
12:02Although I think they were not welcome for other reasons.
12:06Yes.
12:07You know?
12:08What are your party's members vulnerable to?
12:11Reality.
12:12LAUGHTER
12:14Showers.
12:15Um...
12:16LAUGHTER
12:17Apparently being seduced by Zach Polanski.
12:20Oh, yeah.
12:21He's a Svengali of the Green Party.
12:23Yeah, he was meant to be here tonight.
12:25He absolutely was and then he chicken...
12:28Sorry, tofu'd out.
12:29LAUGHTER
12:31APPLAUSE
12:36Zach actually, um...
12:38When he was supposed to be coming on, he messaged me on
12:41Instagram.
12:42He was like, great to see we're on together on Have I Got News
12:44For You.
12:45He said, um, be nice to me and I'll be your friend.
12:48LAUGHTER
12:49Go, he didn't say that to me.
12:51LAUGHTER
12:52But, yeah, I think he was scared.
12:54I think that's why I didn't come.
12:56Stay ducking me, Zach, I'm coming for you.
12:58LAUGHTER
13:00Yeah.
13:01I'm just learning to live with the fact that I'm the second choice
13:04after Zach Polanski.
13:06LAUGHTER
13:07Well, third, actually.
13:08Third, sorry.
13:09LAUGHTER
13:10Anything equal, busy again.
13:13To be honest, we tried to get sooty.
13:15Yeah.
13:16And Roman Polanski.
13:18LAUGHTER
13:19He always gets my gigs.
13:20Yeah, bastard.
13:21Yeah.
13:22In other news, what has former Conservative vice chairman
13:25and MP for Stoke-on-Trent, Jonathan Gullis, done?
13:28Joined reform.
13:29Correct.
13:30How welcoming has the reform party been to people like Jonathan Gullis?
13:34Well, they can afford to be very welcoming now,
13:36cos they've just got nine million quid from that dodgy bloke
13:39who gave Boris Johnson a million quid and Boris Johnson
13:42gave him an £80 million defence contract, allegedly.
13:45Mm-hm.
13:46Mm-hm.
13:47They...
13:48Good luck with the jury.
13:49LAUGHTER
13:50APPLAUSE
13:51What has Nigel Farage done almost 2,000 times in the last 12 months?
13:59Is it that thing on the way you pay someone to say hello
14:02on the internet thing?
14:03Exactly.
14:04Cameo.
14:05Cameo.
14:06Yes.
14:07How much does he cost?
14:08Well, he earned £140,000 in 2025 from it, so 2,000 times.
14:11How...
14:12What do you reckon?
14:13I could phone my agent, is what I reckon.
14:15LAUGHTER
14:16Would you like to see one of his most famous ones?
14:18Yes, absolutely.
14:19Got him.
14:20Happy birthday, Hugh Janus.
14:22I've heard you're a massive fan.
14:24APPLAUSE
14:25LAUGHTER
14:262,000 of those in the last 12 months.
14:32Just says whatever people want him to say.
14:34And he does cameos as well.
14:36LAUGHTER
14:38APPLAUSE
14:40This week, Nigel Farage produced letters from former schoolmates
14:46defending him from allegations that his banter was malicious.
14:50On the Today programme, Richard Tice was asked about Nigel Farage's
14:54relationship with Hitler.
14:56LAUGHTER
14:57For the record, I don't think Farage has had much of a relationship
15:00with Hitler.
15:01I believe he's only read one of his books.
15:03LAUGHTER
15:04We should say Farage has denied all accusations of anti-Semitic bullying.
15:09LAUGHTER
15:10It was banter.
15:14Yeah.
15:15Surely you've seen that sort of banter.
15:17And I think if Zach Polanski had come tonight, he would have agreed.
15:20Yeah.
15:21Yeah.
15:22LAUGHTER
15:23This is the news that there is a new force on the far left.
15:27There were 2,500 delegates at the Your Party conference
15:30who had been selected via a lottery, advertised by the slogan,
15:34if you're really unlucky, it could be you.
15:37LAUGHTER
15:38A Your Party spokesperson said that the leadership model they wanted
15:41was not top-down but bottom-up.
15:44But in the end, they arrived at a compromise.
15:46Tits-up.
15:47LAUGHTER
15:49APPLAUSE
15:54On to round two.
15:55Oh, yes.
15:56Backed by popular demand.
15:57Yes.
15:58This is the fishing mod of news.
16:00Backed by popular demand.
16:01LAUGHTER
16:02That's a straightforward Rachel Reeves.
16:04Yeah.
16:05How dare you?
16:06This has had an upgrade.
16:07We haven't seen the full special effect yet.
16:09Let's see the full special effect.
16:10Here we go.
16:11Here we go.
16:12Let's go fish some news, people.
16:13Fish some news, yeah.
16:14Oh, wrong way.
16:15Oh, hang on.
16:16It's broken.
16:17Whoa.
16:18Hey.
16:19APPLAUSE
16:21Well, that graphic didn't match what you were doing.
16:25Aside, this is a picture of a raccoon and it broke into somewhere,
16:30a bar, I think, fell through the ceiling,
16:32drunk all the liquor in the bar and fell asleep in the bathroom,
16:35completely pissed.
16:36Pissed as a raccoon.
16:37You are absolutely right.
16:39Left a trail of destruction, broken bottles all over the place
16:42and then, yeah, in the bathroom they found this.
16:45APPLAUSE
16:48Credit to him having made it to the bathroom.
16:50I agree.
16:51Also, I think someone's left the bin out for him,
16:52just in case he wants to travel with that instead.
16:55Do you know how he was dealt with by the investigator?
16:57Picks him up in a sack, threw him over the fence.
17:00LAUGHTER
17:01Did they ring his family and say,
17:03can you go and pick him up?
17:04Apparently, according to the investigator,
17:05we safely secured our masked bandit
17:07and transported him back to the shelter to sober up before questioning.
17:09LAUGHTER
17:10That's good.
17:11On the subject of animals behaving badly.
17:12Yes.
17:13Who has got beef with Peppa Pig's dad?
17:14It's David Gandy.
17:15It is David Gandy.
17:16I don't even know who he is, but...
17:17LAUGHTER
17:18He looks so different to his great-grandad, Mahatma.
17:19LAUGHTER
17:20LAUGHTER
17:21I mean...
17:22APPLAUSE
17:23Yeah, he complained, he said Peppa Pig's dad is a very poor role model.
17:24He did.
17:25For what?
17:26As a pig.
17:27Yeah.
17:28Because he said...
17:29It is David Gandy.
17:31I don't even know who he is.
17:34He looks so different to his great-grandad, Mahatma.
17:44Yeah, he complained you said Peppa Pig's dad is a very poor role model.
17:49Mm, he did. From what?
17:51As a pig.
17:53He's a fictional cartoon pig.
17:55How can he be a role model for anybody?
17:57David Gandy called Daddy Pig a useless fool.
18:00He said he makes fathers look pathetic
18:03and gives children the wrong idea about men.
18:05But it's a pig!
18:07I mean, sure.
18:08Fictional cartoon pig.
18:10There's a long tradition in comedy of useless and incapable of men.
18:14Because he doesn't, like, you know, go gym and, I don't know, drink Huel.
18:20He needs to be... That's what men want as role models now.
18:24It's not a kind world, is it?
18:26Erm...
18:29Listen...
18:30That's a general point.
18:31Get used to it.
18:32LAUGHTER
18:34Sunshine.
18:36APPLAUSE
18:38Who is Peppa Pig's biggest fan, though?
18:44Oh, Boris Johnson.
18:45Absolutely Boris Johnson. At least he used to be.
18:47Yeah, he used to quote Peppa Pig in major economic speeches.
18:51LAUGHTER
18:52If only we had someone of that stature nowadays.
18:55LAUGHTER
18:56There's a recent Telegraph podcast, though. He sounds a bit more jaded.
19:00OK.
19:01I've got four children under five, which is a lot.
19:03I know.
19:04Are you all right?
19:05I know.
19:06How much Peppa Pig are you watching right now?
19:07Peppa...
19:08LAUGHTER
19:09LAUGHTER
19:10LAUGHTER
19:11LAUGHTER
19:16Four children?
19:17Yeah.
19:18LAUGHTER
19:19Yeah.
19:20Come on.
19:21Yeah.
19:22Come on.
19:23We're there.
19:24What did a children's TV programme inspire Wayne Rooney to do recently?
19:26I think I saw a photograph, but I can't think of what it was.
19:28On Radio 5 Live?
19:29Yes.
19:30He said that children's television had inspired him to get a vasectomy.
19:31LAUGHTER
19:32Which character in particular, do you know, inspired Rooney to get the snip?
19:34Is this Peppa Pig's uncle...
19:35LAUGHTER
19:36..who has a vasectomy in series four?
19:37Yeah.
19:38Apparently it was Mr Tumble from the show.
19:39Yeah.
19:40Yeah.
19:41Yeah.
19:42Yeah.
19:43Yeah.
19:44Yeah.
19:45Yeah.
19:46Yeah.
19:47Yeah.
19:48Yeah.
19:49Yeah.
19:50Yeah.
19:51Yeah.
19:52Yeah.
19:53Yeah.
19:54Yeah.
19:55Yeah.
19:56Yeah.
19:57Yeah.
20:00Mm-hm.
20:01If you are too old to know who the Tubby clown is...
20:05Hamp!
20:07ically, it was Mr Tumble from c
20:12This is the raccoon in Virginia that smashed several bottles of booze,
20:16got drunk and passed out in the toilet.
20:18Here is the raccoon trying to sleep it off.
20:20In fact, he only woke up when he found he was being used to clean the bowl.
20:25LAUGHTER
20:27Supermodel David Gandhi says there aren't enough good examples
20:31for fathers to follow. Well, he certainly isn't one.
20:34No-one wants a dad who sits around in their pants all day.
20:37It's a very funny photograph.
20:39I wonder who stole my trousers.
20:46All right, fingers on buzzers.
20:48It's time to hook another one in.
20:59Let's say we don't know.
21:02Oh, it's talks between America and Russia.
21:04Russia doesn't want to give up any of its territory that's won
21:07and Ukraine doesn't want Russia to have the territory that it's won,
21:09and it's still going on.
21:10Absolutely.
21:11Do you know who turned up this week to try and sort it all out?
21:13Jared Kushner, Donald Trump's son-in-law.
21:15Mm-hm.
21:16And Steve Wyckoff as well.
21:17Yeah, former real estate man.
21:18Mm. Yeah.
21:19Top-level diplomats.
21:21Yeah.
21:22Sent out to agree with...
21:23I mean, to...
21:26Negotiate with President Putin.
21:28And then they spent five hours locked in talks,
21:30after which Putin's foreign policy adviser,
21:32Yuri Ushakov...
21:34Hang on, let me...
21:37It doesn't matter, he'll get another one next week.
21:43The foreign policy adviser told the press,
21:46peace is no closer but also no further away.
21:49Mm.
21:50But his reaction was positive.
21:52You know, they said,
21:53would you like peace in Ukraine?
21:54He said, I'd like to go to war with Europe.
21:56Mm.
21:57Mm.
21:58That's an advance.
22:00I think if Zack was here,
22:01he'd say that Trump should use nukes.
22:07I think you've got his position nailed.
22:09Yeah.
22:10Does anyone know what Steve Witkoff's nickname is?
22:14Wiki.
22:15I don't know.
22:16It's got to be Witless, hasn't it?
22:18According to The Independent,
22:19Western intelligence regard Witkoff as a Putin-loving liability,
22:23so they call him Dim Philby.
22:28What does Donald Trump have no idea about?
22:30Anything.
22:33Do you want it in alphabetical order?
22:35You had an MRI scan.
22:37Oh, yes.
22:38He doesn't know which part of his body was examined.
22:40Exactly.
22:41But he said it was the best MRI that's ever been...
22:44Perfect.
22:45He said it was perfect.
22:46Let's hear it from Trump himself.
22:47Yeah.
22:48What part of your body was the MRI looking at you?
22:50I have no idea.
22:51It was just an MRI.
22:52What part of the body?
22:53It wasn't the brain because I took a cognitive test
22:56and I aced it.
22:57I got a perfect mark,
22:58which you would be incapable of doing.
23:00Everybody, you too.
23:02LAUGHTER
23:03It's the respect for women that just shines out, isn't it?
23:09Well, I can't see how the Peppa Pig dad is a worse role more than before.
23:13LAUGHTER
23:14Also this week, Melania Trump has unveiled this year's Christmas decorations
23:18at the White House.
23:19Oh, yes.
23:20The themed Christmas trees have been a tradition since the 1960s
23:23when Jackie Kennedy was inspired by the Nutcracker,
23:27or, as is better known, Lee Harvey Oswald.
23:30LAUGHTER
23:36Too soon?
23:41All right, guys, fingers on buzzers.
23:43Fingers on buzzers, oh, yeah, all right.
23:44Here we go.
23:45Yeah.
23:46Oh, oh.
23:47BUZZER
23:48BUZZER
23:50BUZZER
23:52It's the fact that it's a young person, significance.
23:54It is.
23:55This is the news that Gen Z do not like Christmas traditions.
23:59In particular, they are not on board with sending Christmas cards.
24:02Ooh.
24:03Is this you, Finn?
24:04Yeah, no, I'm Muslim.
24:05LAUGHTER
24:10Sending Christmas cards has become more expensive.
24:12One woman told the BBC that to send Christmas cards,
24:15she needed a mortgage.
24:17It's not the mortgage that's the problem, it's the stamp duty.
24:20Ooh.
24:21Ooh.
24:22Ooh.
24:23Don't you moan at me.
24:26In related news, what do Gen Z not like about the office?
24:29They don't like going, though.
24:31Very good.
24:32Yeah.
24:33They don't like having to speak to humans.
24:35This is...
24:36This is according to...
24:37That's everyone, is it?
24:38Born at a certain time.
24:39Everybody, I see.
24:40Do you agree, Finn?
24:41Yeah.
24:42Even when I was talking to Ian backstage, I was like,
24:44I wish this was just ChatDPT.
24:45I was like...
24:46LAUGHTER
24:47I felt the same.
24:48Yeah.
24:49LAUGHTER
24:50APPLAUSE
24:52This is some research by Trinity College London that says,
24:5738% of Gen Z fear making small talk in the office.
25:00Does this count as work chat for you?
25:02Are you OK?
25:03Are you...
25:04I really want to get on my phone.
25:05LAUGHTER
25:07Do you like small talk?
25:09Well, yeah, I do, actually.
25:11Oh, I like the interaction thing.
25:13Also, as a vicar, it's kind of lubricant for everything.
25:16LAUGHTER
25:18APPLAUSE
25:25We'd have seen that one coming, shouldn't we?
25:27You're making it worse!
25:29LAUGHTER
25:31On the subject of the church, what does God like about Christmas?
25:35The tinsel?
25:36The sound of a biro on a gift aid form, I dare say.
25:39LAUGHTER
25:40That's a good answer.
25:41LAUGHTER
25:42That's a very good answer.
25:44APPLAUSE
25:46Well, according to the Dean of Salisbury, God is also a fan.
25:49Oh, yeah, and Christmas jumpers.
25:50Absolutely!
25:51LAUGHTER
25:52This is the very reverend Nicholas Papadopoulos,
25:55who writes that while Christmas jumpers are tasteless,
25:58God is tasteless too!
26:00LAUGHTER
26:02Finally, what special treat have supermarket Aldi released for Christmas?
26:06Is it their new advert?
26:08It's actually dog mince pies.
26:11To be clear...
26:12Made out of dogs!
26:13LAUGHTER
26:15That's lovely!
26:16The other way round.
26:17The other way round.
26:18Mince pies for dogs.
26:19Oh, it's fine.
26:20Which is actually how they went down with their taste testers.
26:21Yeah, yeah.
26:22I mean, they literally couldn't give a shit.
26:24LAUGHTER
26:25Muslim dogs.
26:27I don't think that's photoshopped in, though,
26:32because those dogs would not be looking away from the mince pies.
26:35No.
26:36Unless they're disgusting.
26:37Have you ever known a dog...
26:38My dog used to eat shit.
26:40LAUGHTER
26:41APPLAUSE
26:47This is where you turned up.
26:48This could be Zach Polanski sitting there.
26:50LAUGHTER
26:52I bet he wouldn't say I used to give a shit to my dog.
26:55LAUGHTER
26:56You know, vote green.
26:57LAUGHTER
26:58Time now for the odd one out round.
27:01Just one between you this week.
27:02Your four are...
27:03Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.
27:05Lord Byron, Ryan Giggs and the Taliban.
27:07BUZZER
27:09LAUGHTER
27:10Go ahead.
27:11Poetry.
27:12Oh!
27:13Poetry.
27:14Robert Kennedy wrote poems to a woman who's now an ex-lover of his
27:16and they were pretty awful.
27:18Ryan Giggs, when he wasn't knocking off his brother's wife,
27:20was writing poetry.
27:22LAUGHTER
27:23I love you like no other.
27:25Watch out, here comes your brother.
27:26LAUGHTER
27:32Lord Byron, of course, famous as a poet.
27:34Mad, bad and dangerous to know.
27:35So I imagine they've all had poems printed or published
27:38or wrote poems and the Taliban have banned poetry,
27:40must be the answer.
27:41Absolutely.
27:42A specific type of poetry.
27:43It's love poetry.
27:44It is love poetry.
27:45It's a romantic poetry.
27:46It's not all poetry.
27:47It's true.
27:48I mean...
27:49I'm just saying, cos we're behind and we need the points.
27:51LAUGHTER
27:52Masha'Allah.
27:53LAUGHTER
27:54APPLAUSE
27:57Yeah, this was an uncharacteristic display of cultural
28:00authoritarianism by the Taliban.
28:02Their vice and virtue department are enforcing a new poetry law
28:06which prohibits depicting improper desires, worldly love
28:10or inappropriate emotions, as well as any criticism of their
28:14their supreme leader, Hibatullah...
28:16Oh, my God.
28:18LAUGHTER
28:19Hang on.
28:20Hibatullah...
28:21You see, this is why women aren't allowed to speak in public.
28:23LAUGHTER
28:24APPLAUSE
28:25Oh, the pressure.
28:30They don't mind, they're very liberal.
28:32LAUGHTER
28:33As well as any criticism of their supreme leader, Hibatullah Akhunsada.
28:35To be fair, though, that is a right pain to rhyme with, that one, isn't it?
28:36Yeah.
28:37LAUGHTER
28:38Throw the stones harder.
28:39LAUGHTER
28:40Hibatullah Akhunsada.
28:41APPLAUSE
28:42Who has US Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. been writing poetry for?
28:56He was an ex-lover of his.
28:57Mm.
28:58I think her name was Emily something.
28:59It's Olivia Nuzzi.
29:00Oh, I thought it was Typhoid Mary.
29:01LAUGHTER
29:02They had an affair, allegedly, in 2023.
29:03Yeah.
29:04And the poetry has been published as a revenge.
29:05Could you read it out?
29:06Because I've read it and...
29:07I can't.
29:08LAUGHTER
29:09I'm a red-blooded fella.
29:10Sorry about the rubella.
29:11Is it that right?
29:12LAUGHTER
29:13LAUGHTER
29:14And the poetry has been published as a revenge.
29:16Could you read it out?
29:17Because I've read it and...
29:18I can't.
29:19LAUGHTER
29:26Here we go.
29:30I am a river, you are my canyon.
29:32I mean to flow through you.
29:34I mean to subdue and tame you.
29:36LAUGHTER
29:38We've got Ryan Giggs, who loves poetry as well.
29:40Oh, yeah.
29:41Oh, yeah.
29:42Anyone know any of his lines?
29:44His famous...
29:45His famous penned romance?
29:47I wept off her bra, but it's on VAR.
29:49LAUGHTER
29:51How did he do?
29:52This is so good!
29:54This is during a trial in 2022.
29:58Jurors at Manchester Crown Court were tormented effectively
30:02with these poems that he wrote to his ex-girlfriend, Kate Greville.
30:06Here's one of them.
30:07I'm going to end by saying,
30:09You are my love, my friend, my soul.
30:12Do you want to guess what comes next?
30:13What rhymes with soul?
30:15Yeah.
30:16LAUGHTER
30:17Back of the net, I've scored a goal.
30:19LAUGHTER
30:20It's actually...
30:22And most of all, you believe in me,
30:24which makes me feel as hard as a totem.
30:27Ooh!
30:28Ooh!
30:29LAUGHTER
30:30LAUGHTER
30:32LAUGHTER
30:34LAUGHTER
30:36They usually have, like, faces and figures sticking out of it.
30:39LAUGHTER
30:40In his love poetry, Giggs described his penis as being as hard as a totem pole,
30:45which presumably means he couldn't bend it like Beckham.
30:48LAUGHTER
30:49Time now for the missing words round.
30:51We are starting with...
30:52Surprise as curtains from royal residence...
30:55What?
30:56Reveal Fergie stitched inside.
30:59LAUGHTER
31:00Surprise as curtains from royal residence to be turned into Christmas stockings.
31:06Here are the stockings from Sandringham Estates.
31:08The King's curtains were originally white, but Camilla is clearly allowed to smoke indoors.
31:14LAUGHTER
31:16Finally, 20-foot-tall naked man what?
31:19Finds out he's not actually invisible.
31:22LAUGHTER
31:24Surprise is a woman looking out a second-floor window.
31:27LAUGHTER
31:29Says it just looks small cos I'm big.
31:31LAUGHTER
31:33This is 20-foot-tall naked man terrorising Wigan once again.
31:39LAUGHTER
31:40This is after being previously banned by the council.
31:42The 20-foot golden statue is back.
31:44Here it is.
31:45LAUGHTER
31:46The owner of the statue says he's put it back up to spread some Christmas cheer.
31:50LAUGHTER
31:51I mean, I don't know about the ding, but that dong is merrily on high.
31:55LAUGHTER
31:56Which means the final scores this week are...
31:59Ian and Finlay have three.
32:01God!
32:02Paul and Richard have six.
32:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:08But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.
32:12Ian and Finlay, you've got this.
32:14LAUGHTER
32:15Man arrested for breaking into every house in the world.
32:19LAUGHTER
32:20APPLAUSE
32:23Paul and Richard, you get this one.
32:26I can't help but feel I've wasted my life.
32:29LAUGHTER
32:31On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Finlay Christie,
32:34Paul Merton and the Reverend Richard Coles, and I leave you with news that at a work dinner,
32:43one employee helps a visiting colleague locate spicy McNuggets on the venue.
32:48LAUGHTER
32:50On the set of the new Harry Potter series, Prince William meets the goblin operator and one of her gnarled and wizened animatronic creatures.
32:59LAUGHTER
33:03And outside a Moscow underground station, one commuter regrets asking a busker for stairway to heaven.
33:09LAUGHTER
33:11Good night.
33:12APPLAUSE
33:13The man, the myth, the moustache.
33:26Defrosted and ready for action, Mammoth is back for our new series.
33:30Press red to watch now.
33:32And fresh from his faithful exploits in the castle, listen to Joe Marlowe will see you now.
33:37A new podcast now on BBC Sounds.
33:39APPLAUSE
33:41MUSIC
33:50MUSIC
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