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00:00I'll be right back.
00:30Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:33I'm Richard Ayoade.
00:35In the news this week, on a visit to Quick Fit to have his car fixed,
00:39one man finally plucked up the courage to ask the mechanics
00:42the meaning of the hand gesture they keep making at him.
00:50As US tariffs on films are introduced,
00:53Ridley Scott is forced to do his own special effects for Alien 7.
01:00And on a visit to a hospital in Corby,
01:04Wes Streeting denies sticking his foot out.
01:12Hello.
01:19On Ian's team tonight is a writer and comedian who says her latest show
01:23is about the wisdom in the trees.
01:26Where I live, there's not much wisdom in the trees,
01:28but there are a lot of dog poo bags.
01:31Please welcome Bella Hull.
01:38On Paul's team tonight is a crime writer who says he loves writing about real people.
01:42If you're looking for the perfect setting for a fascinating whodunit,
01:45can I suggest the OBR?
01:47Please welcome Richard Orson.
01:49We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
01:56Ian and Bella, here's yours.
01:59That's the fiscal drag queen.
02:04Everyone's abandoning her because they hate her new bag.
02:09That's where they put income tax.
02:11What, in those cabinets?
02:12Yeah, in the freezers.
02:13Oh, look, let's look for some growth.
02:15LAUGHTER
02:16I'm guessing it's the budget.
02:18Yes.
02:19But I think that answer's been leaked.
02:21LAUGHTER
02:22Right, yes.
02:23Was the budget worth the wait?
02:25Well, none of it really applies...
02:28I should say I don't really have a house.
02:30Mm-hm.
02:31I know all of you have houses.
02:32I know Richard has a house just for games.
02:34So...
02:35LAUGHTER
02:38It's not really something that applies to me massively,
02:40but I really wish you guys all the best of luck with it.
02:43LAUGHTER
02:44BBC News were so excited,
02:45they broadcast on the budget live from a Starbucks.
02:49LAUGHTER
02:53What did Chris Mason have to say about it?
02:55He's the BBC correspondent.
02:57Slipping ears.
02:58Yeah.
02:59Do you want to see what he said about it?
03:01Yes.
03:02Absolutely.
03:03Where does this leave her, do you think?
03:04So, two things.
03:05I mean, firstly, it was clear
03:06that the Chancellor was absolutely boiling,
03:09I mean, apoplectic, about being scooped on her own budget
03:13by the publication of the Office for Budget Responsibility
03:15document before she had the chance to stand up.
03:17In terms of what she said...
03:19Chris, I'm going to have to interrupt you.
03:21LAUGHTER
03:23The right honourable lady...
03:25We've actually got Chris in the studio now
03:27to finish that sentence and we're going to...
03:29No, sorry, we don't have time. Sorry, Chris.
03:31LAUGHTER
03:33So, who actually announced the budget?
03:36Well, the OBR.
03:37And she announced most of what was in it
03:39in interviews for the last six months,
03:42some of which she did and some of which she didn't.
03:44But the main thing was, she said there'd be no tax rises
03:47and there aren't.
03:48It just means everyone will pay more tax.
03:50LAUGHTER
03:51Which is completely different.
03:53Yes.
03:54And that's not breaking a manifesto pledge at all.
03:56So, we're all going to pay a record amount of tax.
03:59Mm-hm.
04:00Unless you don't earn anything and then you won't pay anything.
04:02Yeah.
04:03I'll be fine.
04:04Yes.
04:05LAUGHTER
04:06Rachel Reeves didn't exactly announce it.
04:08The details were accidentally published early by
04:10the Office for Budget Responsibility,
04:12who have now been rebranded the Office for Budget Art About Tittery.
04:17LAUGHTER
04:18I don't think it was accidental.
04:20Oh, come on.
04:21Didn't you?
04:22Imagine their Instagram must have blown up.
04:23If you've got the budget, I mean, you're going to get huge numbers.
04:25Yeah.
04:26If you leak that.
04:27Is this how it works?
04:28Yeah.
04:29The Office of Budget Responsibility Instagram page now.
04:31It's just all of them around the office going,
04:33Oops!
04:34LAUGHTER
04:35That's their thing.
04:36That's their meme.
04:37Tax rises won't come in until 2028-29,
04:40by which time it will be irrelevant,
04:42because we'll all be underwater,
04:44probably being bombed by Putin.
04:46But fingers crossed, maybe.
04:47Good luck bombing us underwater.
04:49Sunmarines.
04:50Yeah.
04:51Oh, God.
04:52He's thought of everything.
04:53I shouldn't have put that out there,
04:54because he might still be thinking,
04:55How am I going to do this?
04:56LAUGHTER
04:57But, yeah.
04:58The only silver lining is that, fingers crossed,
04:59we might have for Raj by then.
05:01LAUGHTER
05:04What happened when Rachel Reeves did eventually get to speak?
05:07There was a lot of noise.
05:08Yeah.
05:09A lot of cheering.
05:10Yes.
05:11Do you want to have a look at what happened?
05:12I call the Chancellor of the Shatter.
05:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
05:15APPLAUSE
05:16How am I going to get to speak?
05:18Good job!
05:19Very good.
05:20Quickfire round.
05:21This is open to everyone.
05:22OK, quickfire, yeah.
05:23OK.
05:24I'm going to give you the name of something in the budget,
05:25and you tell me if it's getting taxed or relaxed.
05:26Oh, OK.
05:27Is there a theme tune that goes with it?
05:28No.
05:29There should be.
05:30Yeah, but there isn't.
05:31I think that was it.
05:32That was it.
05:33I think you just did the thing.
05:34OK, fine.
05:35Very good.
05:36Excellent.
05:37OK, first up.
05:38Taxed.
05:39Yes.
05:40Right.
05:41That's very good.
05:42And it's as simple as that, as a format.
05:43It's very good.
05:44I like it.
05:45Yes.
05:46OK, first up.
05:47I could play this every Christmas.
05:48Yes.
05:49Very good.
05:50OK, mansions.
05:51Did you miss your buzz?
05:52This may explain why I've never won at this event.
05:55Oh, bit late now.
05:56We deactivated your buzzer a long time ago,
05:58because the final is shortold.
05:59There's nothing left.
06:00Too long ago.
06:01It's like it's rokupl��.
06:02And you tell them that one went down and said,
06:03just to test your zoom room.
06:04All right.
06:05And it's as simple as that, as a format.
06:06It's very good.
06:07Ok, just to pretend to troll me or anything.
06:08Very good.
06:09That's very good.
06:10And it's as simple as that, as a format.
06:11It's very good.
06:12I like it.
06:13Yes.
06:14OK, first off.
06:16I could play this every Christmas.
06:17Yeah.
06:18That's very good.
06:19We deactivated your buzzer a long time ago to save electricity.
06:22LAUGHTER
06:23And it's actually worked out very well.
06:25Yes, mansions. OK, yes, they've been taxed, yeah.
06:27Yes, yes. Up to a value of... What's a value? Over.
06:30Seven million. No. Two million.
06:31Two. Two million.
06:33There was a discussion about a lower tax threshold,
06:35but that disappeared and had nothing to do with the fact
06:38that it meant Keir Starmer and David Lamming's properties
06:41just escaped the mansion tax.
06:43LAUGHTER
06:44Ooh!
06:45Um... OK.
06:46It's going to be great for estate agents, isn't it?
06:48They're all going to say, I reckon it's worth about 1.99.
06:52LAUGHTER
06:53Next. Yeah.
06:54Coffee.
06:55Coffee? Coffee.
06:56Oh.
06:57BUZZER
06:58Just to give the impression of momentum, um...
07:01LAUGHTER
07:03Untaxed. Yes.
07:05Cappuccinos and flat whites are fine.
07:08Yeah. Bottled lattes, no.
07:10Really? Yeah, they're in trouble, unfortunately.
07:12And a sugar tax on drinks has been extended to milkshakes.
07:15Yes. Good news for Nigel Farage.
07:17Yeah.
07:19Finally, tax will relax.
07:20Bingo. That's not what I'm saying.
07:22BUZZER
07:23Yes.
07:24Gambling. They put tax on gambling.
07:26Bingo's relaxed.
07:28Oh, bingo's relaxed...
07:29Bingo's relaxed online casino betting.
07:32Right. Which is the more dangerous one.
07:34Yeah. They are abolishing the duty on bingo.
07:37Because bingo you can do and you meet other people.
07:39Yeah.
07:40Whereas online they say, come and join the party and you're alone in your room.
07:43Mm.
07:44Giving them money.
07:45Mm.
07:46How much have you lost over the years?
07:47LAUGHTER
07:50All of it.
07:51All of it.
07:52LAUGHTER
07:53You know, it's good news for people who regularly hear the word
07:56house, house being shouted with the exception of, of course, Angela Rayner.
08:01LAUGHTER
08:02Who got a special mention from Rachel Reeves in her budget speech.
08:05Santa.
08:06Please say more.
08:07LAUGHTER
08:08Clause.
08:09LAUGHTER
08:10The government has called back nearly £400 million from Covid fraud,
08:15with Reeves thanking the Covid corruption commissioner, Tom Hayhoe.
08:19LAUGHTER
08:21So £400 million, that's just the change in Baroness Moan's sofa.
08:25Yes. Tom Hayhoe.
08:27Hayhoe was also Boris's initial response to the pandemic.
08:30LAUGHTER
08:32LAUGHTER
08:34Would you like to see how Labour's Richard Bergen used some pasta
08:38to explain the economy?
08:39Yes, please.
08:40So this is the average salary.
08:42This would be the average house price.
08:44And this would be a million pounds.
08:46But what would a billion pounds look like?
09:10No way that cost a billion pounds, even a waitress.
09:12LAUGHTER
09:13Also, no-one's told him that you can just cut to that image.
09:24LAUGHTER
09:26No, they're new BBC regulations, you can't mess about with editing now.
09:29LAUGHTER
09:31Richard, we've had some interesting ideas on how to save money this week.
09:39Oh, really? Yeah.
09:40Do you want to take a look at what you said?
09:41Oh, my God, OK.
09:42Here we go.
09:43Can I say something controversial?
09:44Yeah.
09:45Which is, I always, for years and years on panel shows,
09:47I always said, why are we paying comedians?
09:49Because, literally, they're just selling tour tickets off the back of this panel show.
09:52This comedian is getting more from being on this show
09:55than we're getting from the comedian being on it.
09:58LAUGHTER
09:59So, um, I mean, you have invoiced for this.
10:04LAUGHTER
10:06Do you want to make it clear that, say, if any of the viewers enjoy your performance,
10:10that they should not translate that enjoyment into buying your books?
10:14Oh, my God, don't, whatever you do, don't buy The Impossible Fortune or The Bookstops Now.
10:18I understand that.
10:19LAUGHTER
10:20You know what, it's tempting for people because it's such a great Christmas present.
10:24It is.
10:25Because people love the series, they love the characters, they enjoy the movie.
10:28And I think they're revealing the killer at the end.
10:30If I could just say who it was, I mean, it wasn't...
10:32LAUGHTER
10:33Yes.
10:34Are you on tour?
10:35No, not at the moment.
10:37No. Right, well, this is a waste of time, then.
10:38Yeah.
10:39I'm just doing this because it's the volunteering section of my Duke of Edinburgh.
10:42LAUGHTER
10:44APPLAUSE
10:46Um...
10:52Can I ask you some questions about the war?
10:53Yeah, is this for...
10:54LAUGHTER
10:57Because which one were you in?
10:59The...
11:00This is the long-awaited budget.
11:02The former chief economist at the Bank of England described the lead-up to the budget
11:06as a fiscal fandango.
11:09They have now set up a new body to make sure it never happens again.
11:12A fiscal fandango quango.
11:14LAUGHTER
11:16Wednesday's events were described by The Sun's political editor as the...
11:19..biggest budget shambles in history.
11:21Mm-hm.
11:22A situation no-one is happy about, apart from maybe quasi-quate.
11:25Mm.
11:26LAUGHTER
11:27And Richard, here's yours.
11:29Yeah.
11:30The golden doors represent Putin's entrance.
11:33This is one of the more ridiculous things they still do in America,
11:36pardoning Turkish every year.
11:37And there's Father Christmas, who's obviously been on some sort of hunger strike.
11:40LAUGHTER
11:41So, Putin, Ukraine, war, not over.
11:47Yes.
11:48That covers a lot of it.
11:49That's pretty good.
11:50Yes.
11:51It's a diplomatic back-and-forth.
11:52The Russians are currently considering a revised peace plan.
11:54What was in the first one?
11:56We get everything and the Ukraine gets nothing.
12:01That's the deal.
12:02So, first of all, Ukraine must surrender.
12:04Yes, they were to hand over territory in the Donbass.
12:06Ukraine had to limit their army to 600,000 men and never join NATO.
12:10Russia got back most of its frozen assets and was allowed to rejoin G7.
12:14They've said, you know, Russia can have the Donbass,
12:17but Ukraine can have tickets to the Strictly Come Dancing tour.
12:20LAUGHTER
12:21It's a compromise.
12:22It's give-and-take.
12:23It's give-and-take.
12:24Yeah.
12:25Well, I'll tell you who does know a lot about this is Steve Rosenberg,
12:28the BBC man in Moscow.
12:30Yes, he does.
12:31Steve Rosenberg, the BBC man in Moscow.
12:35He's going to tell us what he knows.
12:36Let's see what it is.
12:38Do we know of the fine-tuning, if anything,
12:40and what's the response in Russia?
12:42We don't know much.
12:43We don't know what's been taken out of the draft, what's in the draft.
12:47The Russians aren't saying much at all.
12:49What is that feeling in the country, in Russia at the moment?
12:52We simply don't know.
12:53So the next few days will be critical.
12:56But as I say, we don't know what's in the latest draft of the peace plan,
13:00and we don't know if Russia would sign it.
13:04Lots of don't knows,
13:05but important to know what we don't know at this stage.
13:07Steve Rosenberg.
13:11At least he's honest.
13:12A robot called A-Idol was showcased in Russia this week.
13:16Would you like to see the robot in action?
13:18Oh, yes, please.
13:19We work on it on whatever day or night's gonna have a family.
13:23You shout...
13:26Hey, What did you want us to watch together?
13:28dı!
13:31He always wins and wins!
13:38No, it'll get a chance!
13:39We speculate that we don't know was pinched.
13:42We Luciano that plays together,
13:44and in town we Durban.
13:46and in town.
13:47That's what the Democrats should have done with Joe Biden.
14:03Remind me why we're scared of Russia.
14:08Who else has been accused of being pro-Russian?
14:11Putin.
14:13The former leader of reform in Wales?
14:17That's right.
14:18Oh, yes.
14:19He's been convicted.
14:20That's right.
14:21And given ten and a half years.
14:22He was convicted and sent to prison for taking Russian bribes.
14:26What else has come back to haunt Farage?
14:29Oh, his alleged racist school days.
14:32Yes, that's right.
14:34Farage denies the accusations of anti-Semitism and told the BBC,
14:38I have never directly racially abused anybody.
14:43I think if anyone says to you, the statement,
14:45have you ever racially abused anyone, you say,
14:47can I just add one word?
14:49That's all that means.
14:50Yes.
14:51Yes.
14:52Directly is doing a lot of heavy lifting.
14:53It really is.
14:55Yeah.
14:56Paul, you mentioned who Trump pardoned this week.
14:58The turkeys.
14:59Yes.
15:00Gibble and gobble or something.
15:01Waddle and daub or something like that.
15:02Gobble and waddle.
15:03The only footballers I know.
15:04Gobble and waddle.
15:05Do you want to see the actual ceremony?
15:06Yes.
15:07It is a ceremony.
15:08Yeah, go on.
15:09Gobble, I just want to tell you this, very important,
15:12you are hereby unconditionally pardoned.
15:20I thought that was Ghislaine Maxwell.
15:22Yeah.
15:23She's in there somewhere.
15:24Yeah.
15:25I'm surprised he didn't get crossed,
15:26because the turkey did interrupt him.
15:28I thought he'd say, quiet, turkey.
15:32Staying with our favourite world leaders,
15:34what has Nicolas Sarkozy announced this week?
15:37He's in jail, isn't he?
15:38No, he's out now.
15:39Oh, he's out?
15:40Yeah, he's out.
15:41No, well, he's publishing a diary of his 20 days in prison.
15:46It's more of a pamphlet, really.
15:49What do we already know about his eating habits in Le Slamour?
15:52We eat the Bix and Ketamine.
15:54Yeah.
15:57The breakfast of champions.
15:58Yeah.
15:59Yeah.
16:00The E17 diet.
16:04Well, he wouldn't eat the prison food in case it was poisoned.
16:07Right.
16:08He ate nothing but yoghurt.
16:11But you can poison yoghurt.
16:12You can poison yoghurt, yeah.
16:13Well...
16:14It's probably easier to poison yoghurt than a lot of things.
16:16Yeah, absolutely.
16:17He should eat coconuts, something difficult to poison.
16:19Yeah.
16:20Nice.
16:21Yes.
16:22Yes.
16:23For moi.
16:24Yes.
16:25Speaking of world leaders in prison, who's been put away?
16:29The former Brazilian president, Jair Bolsonaro.
16:33Yes.
16:34Yes, which allowed Brazilian journalist Manuela Borges
16:36the opportunity to revisit an interview she did with him back in 2014.
16:40Let's take a look.
16:41You're an idiot.
16:42You're an idiot.
16:43You're an ignorant.
16:44You're an ignorant.
16:45You're an ignorant.
16:46No.
16:47I don't want to offend you ever.
16:48You're a beautiful.
16:49You're a beautiful.
16:50You're a beautiful, unfortunately.
16:51You're a beautiful.
16:52Criminalmente?
16:53Oh!
16:54You're not going to be attacking people.
16:56Criminalmente!
16:58Yes.
16:59Here.
17:00The United States.
17:08I hope that's a rehearsal for Trump.
17:10The thing about that prison, though, I'm looking at the rather impressive gate,
17:13but if you look just behind her, it's a completely open field there.
17:16They could just walk out that way.
17:17President Trump has been sporting a new look recently.
17:22Have you noticed what the new look is?
17:24He's wearing an overcoat and a scarf, isn't he?
17:26Exactly, yes.
17:27This is considered a new look.
17:28He looks like Michael Caine in Muppet's Christmas Carol.
17:31And there's picky.
17:35Brilliant.
17:37He's supposedly copying New York mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani.
17:42They had a very nice meeting, the two of them.
17:44Yes, which we can see now.
17:46He asked about your comment calling the president a fascist.
17:50And your answer was, both President Trump and I have been clear about our positions and our views.
17:56Are you affirming that you think President Trump is a fascist?
17:59I've spoken about...
18:00That's okay.
18:01You can just say yes.
18:02Okay.
18:03It's easier.
18:04It's...
18:05It's easier than explaining it.
18:06I don't know.
18:14What garment are Republicans and MAGA devotees furious about?
18:19Not the MAGA hats.
18:20Not the MAGA hat.
18:21It's this jumper from J.Crew.
18:23They're furious because the pink jumper feminizes the man.
18:28That's what they feel.
18:29Real men dance to YMCA.
18:31Yeah.
18:32According to the V&A, it was only in the early part of the 20th century that pink became
18:36associated with femininity.
18:38It's always been a sign of power, authority and wealth.
18:40Um...
18:43That's your boy.
18:44He is so handsome and smells so great, I spelt his name wrong when I signed his book.
18:50I was so...
18:51I had to literally go into a bookshop and buy another copy of my own book to sign it again
18:55and say, I'm so sorry I spelt your name wrong, I was distracted by how handsome you were.
19:00What did you write in this book?
19:01Just...
19:02Mmm...
19:03Mmm...
19:04I literally...
19:05I just wrote my phone number.
19:06True.
19:07OK.
19:08You're buying copies of your best-selling book?
19:10Why do you think it's best-selling?
19:12That's how you do it.
19:15APPLAUSE
19:16Now, did you know that in New York a fashion show has featured clothing made from wool of
19:22exclusively gay sheep?
19:26LAUGHTER
19:27This is true.
19:28What do you think the name of the company that make gay sheep garments is called?
19:33Barbara Streisand.
19:34LAUGHTER
19:35I once put on a jumper and spent the whole day sort of getting a lot of double takes,
19:47but I kind of really thought, hey, I'm having a great day today.
19:50And then I came home and glanced at myself in the mirror and what had happened was I'd
19:55actually worn quite a big sort of puffy top underneath that I presumed would collapse,
20:00and unfortunately it hadn't collapsed.
20:03Let's see the picture.
20:05LAUGHTER
20:10This is the attempt to end the war in Ukraine, which Donald Trump wanted to be
20:14sorted by Thanksgiving Day on Thursday.
20:16I mean, what a berk.
20:18Everyone knows the best chance of securing a good deal is to wait till Black Friday.
20:22LAUGHTER
20:23On to round two this week, the producers have built an AI version of me in an attempt
20:28to make me more relatable.
20:30This is Richard.
20:31A-I-U-R-D.
20:33LAUGHTER
20:34Time for Gaining Sentience, Targeting Military Infrastructure.
20:37Ayoade Net Activating.
20:39LAUGHTER
20:42Well, they've accurately copied my enthusiasm level.
20:47LAUGHTER
20:48OK, Richard, A-I-U-R-D, is going to give us a picture clue.
20:52Fingers on brothers, Pings. Let's do this.
20:55BUZZER
21:01BUZZER
21:03This is a man who's advertising for a wife.
21:05Is he a lord?
21:06He's an aristocrat.
21:07Sir Benjamin says he's looking for a partner.
21:10What attributes does 79-year-old Sir Benjamin look for in a woman?
21:14An ability to resist gunfire, by the way.
21:17LAUGHTER
21:19A bulletproof vest.
21:20Yes.
21:21He's got a couple of requirements.
21:23He told the Times that the next lady, Slade, must...
21:25Yes.
21:2720 years younger.
21:28Be five foot six inches tall.
21:30Have a driving licence.
21:31Helicopter licence is beneficial.
21:33Not be a Scorpio.
21:34Have a family coat of arms.
21:36Know how to run two castles.
21:37Not be Scottish.
21:38Not be an Eskimo.
21:40Not come from a country that begins with the letter I
21:42and has green in the flag.
21:44Not come from a country where they don't wear overcoats in winter.
21:48Not be a Guardian reader.
21:50And finally, have a shotgun licence.
21:53LAUGHTER
21:55I could do that.
21:56I don't have a pension plan, do you know what I mean?
21:59There is one more stipulation for his future partner.
22:02What do you think that is?
22:04They must be criminally insane.
22:07LAUGHTER
22:08They do need to provide him with at least two sons.
22:11LAUGHTER
22:12An heir and a spare.
22:13So, must be a good breeder.
22:16LAUGHTER
22:18Are you sure he's looking for a person?
22:20LAUGHTER
22:21Well, one of his pet peeves is that he's not keen on foreigners.
22:26LAUGHTER
22:27He told the Independent in 2008,
22:29the Russians are dishonest, the Chinese are impossible,
22:32the Arabs are a nightmare and the Brazilians are only good for sex,
22:36football and dancing.
22:39LAUGHTER
22:40Is he entering politics at all?
22:42LAUGHTER
22:43I don't think he's entering anything anytime soon.
22:45LAUGHTER
22:50Fear not, he told the Sun not long ago that he could make love
22:53for a weekend fuelled by oysters and erectile dysfunction drugs.
22:56LAUGHTER
22:58I mean, it's incredible he's single, he's such a catch.
23:01LAUGHTER
23:03In other news, what Barry Cryer joke made it into the news?
23:07The parrot in the brothel.
23:08Not that one.
23:09It's not the jazz drummer who was so bad,
23:11the other musicians in the band said,
23:12you've got no sense of timing, you know, you're just awful.
23:14And one night he was feeling suicidal and he went down to the railway station
23:17and threw himself behind a train.
23:19LAUGHTER
23:24Is it that one?
23:25That it were.
23:26Is it knock knock, who's there? Grandad, stop the funeral.
23:28That one.
23:29LAUGHTER
23:30That happened this week.
23:31It happened in real life.
23:32Did it?
23:33Yes.
23:34During a funeral, staff at Temple were startled when they heard
23:37a faint knocking sound from inside the coffin
23:40and found that the woman inside was still alive.
23:43What else might have been a giveaway?
23:45She was screaming, let me out!
23:47LAUGHTER
23:48Temple manager told the press, I saw her opening her eyes slightly.
23:52LAUGHTER
23:53That's not enough.
23:54Just shut the lid, mate.
23:56LAUGHTER
23:57It's all been paid for.
23:59LAUGHTER
24:00It was a happy surprise for the family but they were slightly annoyed
24:03because some had driven 300 miles to reach a crematorium.
24:06Yeah.
24:07Always very locally.
24:09Yeah.
24:10That's a good slogan.
24:12In fact, go out in the brown bin, that's what I say.
24:15LAUGHTER
24:17This is the ageing aristocrat, Sir Benjamin Slade,
24:20who has made it known he's on the hunt for a new wife.
24:23The successful candidate will be 20 years younger, paid £50,000 a year
24:29to run his household and preferably be able to fly a helicopter.
24:32So, a 60-year-old woman who's desperate for money and somewhere to live
24:36and also knows about helicopters.
24:38Here it comes.
24:39LAUGHTER
24:40Sir Benjamin insists he doesn't want to marry a woman from countries
24:47beginning with I, who have green in their flag, adding,
24:50I don't mind Canadians, Americans, Germans and Northern Europeans,
24:54what I like to call similar people.
24:57LAUGHTER
24:58I think reform have just found their new foreign secretary.
25:01LAUGHTER
25:03Fingers on buzzers, teams.
25:06I love people.
25:07Let's have another question, gang.
25:09It's this six and seven thing, isn't it?
25:18Yes.
25:19This is something that young people have got obsessed with,
25:21but nobody would seem to really know what it means.
25:23According to dictionary.com, it's meaningless.
25:25LAUGHTER
25:27I think the fact that it's not quite certain what it is
25:30is the thing that amuses them the most.
25:32Yeah.
25:33That is unexplainable.
25:34It's like the budget, isn't it?
25:35Yes.
25:36Who's the latest popular celebrity to take part in the viral dance meme?
25:40Keir Starmer.
25:41Yeah.
25:42Yes, it is.
25:43Yeah, I know.
25:44That's why I said it.
25:45Keir Starmer.
25:46Where did he use it?
25:47Do you know?
25:48In a school.
25:49Yes.
25:50In Peterborough.
25:51Yeah.
25:52And he was told not to.
25:53Yeah.
25:54And he got in trouble.
25:55That's flipping right.
25:56Yeah.
25:57Solemise it.
25:58Solemise it.
25:59Solemise it.
26:00Solemise it.
26:01Yes.
26:02Ooh, that was close.
26:03Yeah.
26:04Yeah.
26:05It's not easy having a speech impediment.
26:06No.
26:07Not in the bars I go to.
26:08Yeah.
26:09Let's see the footage.
26:12Yep.
26:13Oh, it's not on the page.
26:14Six-seven.
26:15Six-seven.
26:16Yeah.
26:17Six-seven.
26:18Everybody...
26:19Six-seven.
26:20Are you doing page six-seven?
26:22We're not over that yet.
26:23We're not over that.
26:24Still very much over there.
26:26Still very much over there.
26:27Still very much over there.
26:29Was this filmed at the Junior Academy of Useless Jugglers?
26:34They took away his Tamagotchi as well after that.
26:37And you were right, he was told off.
26:39He was told off by the headmistress.
26:41We've been trying to stop him doing that.
26:42You come along, you great bozo, and they're all doing that.
26:44Who do you think you are?
26:46Finally, what makes you an adult?
26:49There was some research saying that you're not an adult neurologically
26:52until you're 30.
26:53Yes.
26:54You've still got a teenage brain.
26:55That's absolutely right.
26:56Yes.
26:57According to a new study by neuroscientists at the University of Cambridge,
27:00your brain only enters adulthood at the age of 32.
27:03So, from nine until 32, we have the brain of an adolescent,
27:08which makes you an adolescent.
27:09Shut up!
27:10LAUGHTER
27:12APPLAUSE
27:14And I think it's good that you express yourself like that,
27:19but I also think that there are ways that you can choose
27:22that actually respect the other person when you...
27:25LAUGHTER
27:26I'm sorry.
27:27That's OK.
27:28Shut up!
27:29LAUGHTER
27:31This is great.
27:32This is next year's John Lewis Christmas album.
27:34LAUGHTER
27:36Did anyone see presenter Peter Levy talking about Christmas trees
27:39this week?
27:40No, didn't know about it.
27:41Well, it's a hell of a clue.
27:42Go on in.
27:43Let us look.
27:44Mine's only a small one, but it did go up this weekend.
27:48LAUGHTER
27:49The Christmas tree went...
27:52LAUGHTER
27:53Have you...
27:54Has your Christmas tree gone up yet?
27:56Let me know what you think of this one.
27:57LAUGHTER
27:58Is it illuminated?
27:59Yeah.
28:00LAUGHTER
28:01This is Keir Starmer breaking school rules like a baller
28:04by Republican pupils to do the 6-7 dance.
28:07After being rebuked by the head teacher for breaking school rules,
28:10Starmer jokes, I think I just got myself put in detention.
28:14Don't worry, Keir, wherever you are, the last thing anyone wants
28:17is for you to stay behind even longer.
28:19LAUGHTER
28:21According to The Independent, the terms at 7 is often blurted out
28:25when 6 and 7 are mentioned together, as in,
28:28the England cricket team are 20 for 6.
28:30Oh, 7.
28:31LAUGHTER
28:32Time now for the missing words round, which this week features
28:35as its guest publication, Cuttings, the newsletter of the British
28:39Lawnmower Racing Association.
28:41LAUGHTER
28:42And we start with...
28:43The winner of a lawnmower race can expect what?
28:46To never feel the touch of a woman.
28:48LAUGHTER
28:50I don't suppose the answer is fuck all, is it?
28:53LAUGHTER
28:55The winner of a lawnmower race can expect to receive a giant spanner
28:58saying King Dick on it.
29:00LAUGHTER
29:01I was right.
29:02Yeah, you were right.
29:03Next, many women are now paying £70 to spend half an hour what?
29:08Smashing up appliances with a baseball bat.
29:11LAUGHTER
29:12This is the news that 90% of customers at so-called rage rooms are women.
29:14I've got a rage room.
29:15It's a place that I go when I get very furious and I'll go in there
29:17and I will tut.
29:18LAUGHTER
29:19LAUGHTER
29:20Next, shock as what wins election?
29:22Lawnmower.
29:23Labour Party.
29:24LAUGHTER
29:25Eileen Jacobs.
29:26That's the closest answer yet.
29:27Is it?
29:28Shock as Adolf Hitler.
29:29Is it?
29:30Is it?
29:31Shock as Adolf Hitler.
29:32Is it?
29:33Not that one.
29:34This Adolf Hitler is a local councillor in Namibia.
29:36There would be someone called Eileen Jacobs at home and Paul would have said her name.
29:40Firstly, she'd be like, oh, my God, Eileen Jacobs.
29:41And then you've gone, yeah, that's the closest yet.
29:42It was Adolf Hitler.
29:43It was Adolf Hitler.
29:44It was Adolf Hitler.
29:45It was Adolf Hitler.
29:46It was Adolf Hitler.
29:47Yeah.
29:48Yeah.
29:49Well, Eileen needs to stop her programme of National Socialism.
29:51Now the BBC is going to get sued by Eileen Jacobs as well.
29:54Yeah.
29:55Come on, Eileen.
29:56Next.
29:57Next.
29:58Police advisor called prostitutes what?
29:59On Monday when they're not so busy.
30:01If you had a doctor called Eileen Jacobs at home and Paul would have said her name,
30:03firstly, she'd be like, oh, my God, Eileen Jacobs.
30:05Then you've gone, yeah, that's the closest yet.
30:06It was Adolf Hitler.
30:07Yeah.
30:08Yeah.
30:09Well, Eileen needs to stop her programme of National Socialism.
30:11Now the BBC is going to get sued by Eileen Jacobs as well.
30:13Yeah.
30:14Come on, Eileen.
30:15Next.
30:17Police advisor called prostitutes what?
30:19On Monday when they're not so busy.
30:21Police advisor called prostitutes sexual entrepreneurs.
30:34The guidance has been welcomed by several Met Police officers who can now claim they
30:38were simply investing in a start-up.
30:41Next.
30:43Scientists revealed that what can turn you into a sex machine?
30:47Oh, I know this one.
30:48Is it becoming the Archbishop of York?
30:50I think I read this.
30:53I think it's Editing Private Eye.
30:55Oh, yes.
30:56Yes.
30:57Scientists reveal that eating lots of paella can turn you into a sex machine.
31:03According to website Female First, Iranian scientists last year found that
31:07saffron significantly ramped up desire, arousal and orgasm intensity.
31:12Good to know they're not all working on a nuclear bomb.
31:15They were always on.
31:16What?
31:17LAUGHTER
31:19Finally, you can now stay in a hotel suite themed around what?
31:24Is it themed around the game show Guess That Carpet Stain?
31:28Yes.
31:30Yes.
31:32You can now stay in a hotel suite themed around Jeremy Clarkson.
31:37Here it is.
31:39Oh, my God.
31:41Does the food arrive cold and you have to hit someone?
31:44LAUGHTER
31:46Fans of Jeremy Clarkson can spend the night
31:48surrounded by quotes from Jeremy Clarkson,
31:50photos of Jeremy Clarkson, while reading books written by Jeremy Clarkson.
31:54The room has already been reserved for its first guest, Jeremy Clarkson.
31:58So, the final scores are Ian and Bella have four,
32:01Paul and Richard have four.
32:03Hooray!
32:09On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Bella Hull,
32:12Paul Merton and Richard Osman, and I leave you with news that...
32:15After it's agreed that a number of rows named after the former Prince Andrew
32:19are to be renamed, some instances are considered to be more pressing than others.
32:24LAUGHTER
32:29As Jeremy Corbyn appears in panto for the first time,
32:32the record number of people arrive at the theatre carrying rotten tomatoes.
32:40At a private event in London, there's relief as staff manage to turn off the microphones
32:44just as one of the attendees launches into his old school song.
32:49LAUGHTER
32:51And at a Tom Jones concert in Cardiff, one excitable granny whips off her briefs
32:56and prepares to throw them on stage.
32:59LAUGHTER
33:01Good night.
33:02LAUGHTER
33:03Good night.
33:04LAUGHTER
33:07Life after Motherland.
33:18She's making a big splash in Amanda Land.
33:21Comedy on iPlayer.
33:23This and everything across the BBC is made possible because we're funded by you.
33:30APPLAUSE
33:31APPLAUSE
33:32LAUGHTER
33:33APPLAUSE
33:35MUSIC
33:38MUSIC
33:39MUSIC
33:40MUSIC
33:42MUSIC
33:43MUSIC
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