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00:00Let me take you to a place I know you want to go
00:03It's a good life
00:04Yes, that's the one
00:06Alan, you nearly ready?
00:10Mum, do you think I should take me jazz shoes?
00:13You're only going tonight, love
00:14You couldn't get away with a jazz shoe in Northampton
00:18Believe me, I've tried
00:19This town was cramping my style
00:22I needed somewhere bigger, somewhere brighter
00:25Somewhere I could blend in
00:27I needed London, Gary
00:29You can't wear a show suit
00:31You could run into a man of oil
00:33Go, get changed
00:36Mum and Dad had a work meeting in town
00:38So we were staying with Aunty Terry
00:40A hop, skip and a jump from London's glittering West End
00:45Are you sure she's up to this?
00:47Of course
00:48Oh, you're not still on a bet last time
00:51She took him to the dogs and lost him
00:53How I got stuck in that kennel, I'll never know
00:55But this time I've come prepared
00:58Got me cockney rhyming slang
01:00Oh, love, no one talks like that anymore
01:02What a load of old pony
01:04You must be going matting
01:07You've got to keep your wits about you down London town
01:10Val got mugged outside in Aberdeen Angers
01:13She didn't even realise
01:14That's southerners for you
01:16A god-awful place
01:18Gangster-loving, ale-eating...
01:21Oi, I'm a sevener
01:22Let me finish with the most beautiful women in the country
01:27And I'm including your mum in that
01:29Charming
01:31He who tires of London
01:34Tires of pain
01:35£1.20 for a pint
01:36They're taking the mick
01:37Right, let's go
01:40Everyone in the corps
01:41I'll be seeing you shortly, George
01:45Wait till that's OK
01:47I've been to...
01:48Barney
01:49Oh, a hop, skip and quite a long jump from London's glittering West End then
01:54Four-hour round trip
02:00I don't even know what this bloke wants
02:18He's probably trying to poach Alfie for Stoke
02:20Oh, sharks, these agents
02:22Oh, Graeme, put a sock in it
02:24You're being wined and dined
02:25Oh, I'd love to be wined and dined
02:27Oh, shit
02:29Alfie's not even scored all season
02:31Dad, you're in the cultural capital of the world, OK?
02:35Stop talking about football
02:36Oh, my God, is that Gloria Hannaford?
02:40It's Gloria Hannaford
02:41No, it is, I think it is Gloria Hannaford
02:45No, yeah, it's not
02:48You're never moulding six foot away from a celeb in London
02:52We're only just off the M1, for Christ's sake
02:54And it's rats, not celebrities
02:57One and the same, darling
02:58Oh, you're early
03:01We're 20 minutes late
03:02Oh
03:03Thanks for this, Terry, appreciate it
03:05Oh, please
03:06You know I love him
03:08Them
03:12I love them both, cos there's two of them, isn't there?
03:16Right, so Gary's inhaler's in his rucksack
03:19Oh, go on, I'll have a quick puff
03:21Oh, we're gonna have fun, aren't we, eh?
03:25The three musketeers
03:26All for one and all for
03:28One
03:31So you've got Graeme's mobile number
03:33I'm not phoning a mobile
03:35No, but if you need it
03:36No, they're not safe, Chris
03:38Might as well stick you in the microwave
03:40Yeah, I'm not sure that's how it
03:41No, no, no, sorry
03:42You think about it
03:43You've got a normal phone
03:44The waves, they're travelling up the cord
03:47They get stuck, trapped in the cord
03:50You've got no cord
03:51Those waves are going straight into your brain
03:55Yeah, well, you can always phone the restaurant
03:57Alan's got the details
03:58Imperial China Piccadilly Circus
04:01What are you going with again?
04:02I'm just some football agent
04:03Oh, lined and dined
04:07Oh, yeah
04:08Right, come on then
04:10The eighth
04:12Okay
04:13Look after him
04:16All right
04:19Bye, bye boys
04:21My auntie Terry was the naughty to my mum's nice
04:27Right then
04:28An ashtray half full kind of girl
04:31Oh, this is nice
04:34What do you fancy doing?
04:36Well, so
04:37Are they coming in?
04:40Hello, Mr Wolf
04:41Boo!
04:49Boo!
04:50Oh, you don't want to boo anymore
04:52He used to love a bit of boo
04:55He's dead
04:56Oh, timeless boo, innit?
05:00Oh, I've got one
05:01Bet you can't find my fags in ten seconds
05:05Go
05:06No, cos we were thinking that maybe we could go up to the West End
05:09See the mouse trap
05:11Oh, up to the East End
05:12Why at Chapel?
05:13Cos I do a Jack the Ripper tour
05:14Hey, I win!
05:18We can just do that round here, can't we?
05:21No, because I think that you need to go where he actually did the murders
05:25Otherwise you are just having a walk
05:26What about a film?
05:31Have you seen Pretty Woman?
05:33Before you start, it is not about me
05:35Yeah, I've wanted to say that
05:39I was going to ask Jake if he wanted to go with me, Jake's boy in my class
05:43I think that he was a little bit put off by the poster
05:46He said, why would a prostitute be wearing waders?
05:49Hook a boot, it's Ellen
05:50Oh, come here goes the big Odeon
05:53In Leicester Square, the seats are meant to be massive
05:56We don't need to go out
05:58Hey, VHS
06:01My mate Wes got me a knock-off coffee
06:03That's piracy, that's illegal
06:06If you hear any police sirens, right
06:08Just duck down behind the sofa, all right?
06:14You're fine
06:14I'm joking
06:17I'm joking
06:19Sorry to drag you into town
06:23Ah, no, not at all
06:25It's our pleasure
06:26Much to discuss
06:27But I'll be buggered if I'm coming to Northampton
06:29Food
06:32Food's fantastic here
06:34Oh, I bet
06:35It's lovely
06:38Lovely lanterns
06:42Oh, yeah
06:43Yeah, all right
06:44I'll order for the table, shall I?
06:46I know my way around the menu
06:47Oh, I think we all do, don't we?
06:4936, couple of 22s, port balls and a pancake roll
06:52Yeah, it's a little bit more authentic here, so
06:56Right, you go ahead then
06:58Do you like the sweet and sour balls, though, don't you, Graham?
07:01Yeah, I can live without the balls
07:03I will follow your lead
07:04Smart man
07:06Jesus Christ
07:07Um, you took your time
07:09Right, um...
07:10Sorry, um, is it true that Diana are here?
07:13It is, yes
07:14Oh
07:15Don't you?
07:16Well, very exciting, isn't it?
07:18Oh
07:18Has Ken got any lobsters in?
07:21The Chinese restaurant might have been the real deal
07:24This VHS clearly wasn't
07:26Gary!
07:30Gary, we're not fitting in
07:32Sit up
07:33Sit
07:33Ah, here we go, boys
07:35Couple of Coke floats
07:36Oh, it's good, isn't it?
07:42When's dinner?
07:43We'll grab a bite to eat when we're out
07:45We should get going, really
07:47Big Ben's ticking away
07:49No, no, no, I've got it all planned
07:50Your dinner
07:51Yeah
07:52Yeah
07:54Cousy
07:57Honestly, Terry, just chucks a banana on the way
08:02I can't be bothered with dinner half the time
08:04Just have a bit of Philadelphia on a Weetabix
08:07Don't go to any trouble on our account
08:09Just grab something up west
08:11Once we get going
08:12She can curry, all right?
08:15Mum usually makes it from scratch
08:18I haven't got the time to be pissing about with an onion, Alan
08:20I do have a life
08:22So, tube or cab?
08:26Which one we get in?
08:27I bought a soft shoe for the palace, out of respect
08:30Cab?
08:32Well, it says 180 here
08:33But I reckon just to grill it
08:35It'd be so much quicker, won't it?
08:37I've never seen London before
08:39You're in London now, Alan
08:41Greater London
08:42They call it that
08:44Because it's better than the middle bit
08:45Oh, excuse
08:46Won't be a sec
08:47Keep an eye on that curry, Alan
08:48Hi
08:49Hello
08:50Hello, you
08:51No
08:55No, I'm not
08:57Come on, don't do it
08:59I've got my sister's boys
09:01Stop it
09:02Stop it
09:03All right
09:07All right
09:09You said you want to go out
09:12We're going to go out
09:13I'm going to go out
09:13Gary, grab your rucksack
09:17We're off to London Town
09:20Terry's local was more Dead End than West End
09:30But at least it was half a mile in the right direction
09:33All right, Wes
09:34All right, Terry
09:35These are my nephews
09:36Alan
09:37Gary
09:38All right, lads
09:39Well, Tim got one, boys
09:40A little, please
09:41And some bacon crispies
09:42On the tab
09:43We're not stopping
09:45Edna West
09:46Gary will have that and then we'll be off, yeah?
09:49Yeah, hi, darling
09:50Ladies
09:53Yay
09:54You do a 3-3-2, right?
09:59You have Johnson at the back, Freeman up front
10:00It's a no-brainer
10:01Yeah
10:01So, do you live nearby?
10:04Kensington
10:05Oh
10:05That's a lovely big ass
10:08Freezing
10:08Four floors
10:09Extortionate
10:10Yeah, well, we're double glazed throughout
10:12So that does help
10:13Sorry
10:16I feel like he's listening
10:18I think it's the eyes
10:20We eat a lot of fish
10:21Oh, yeah, so do we
10:23I just tend to take the eyes out
10:24Before they put them in breadcrumbs
10:25Chengdu region
10:28Hmm?
10:29Chengdu region
10:30And the chef, he's incredible with seafood
10:31He got a decent Chinese, do you?
10:34Oh, yeah
10:35Got a really good one
10:36They do fish and chips and all, don't they, Graham?
10:38Hmm
10:38Well, it's good for the kids
10:40Erm
10:42Can we get a couple of forks here?
10:44I don't think
10:44I don't think chopsticks have made it to Northampton yet
10:46I suppose you need opposable thumbs to use them
10:49Ha, ha, ha
10:50Yeah, well
10:53Those thumbs have got them to the top of the league
10:55And it's been noted
10:57It's been noted
10:58Aunt Terry
11:02We can kiss goodbye to the mousetrap
11:05The curtain's gone up
11:07Sorry
11:07Oh, you must be hungry
11:09Get yourself a bag of crisps
11:12Or me
11:12I can have crisps at home
11:14I want to see a BP to a close range
11:16Just a furry hat, Alan
11:18I've just got to stay
11:19Just for a little bit, yeah?
11:21Why don't you
11:23Have a throw, yeah?
11:25Go on
11:26Go on, have a throw
11:27For me
11:28Hmm
11:30Ah
11:32Right, can we go now?
11:34You're standing wrong
11:35Oh
11:35You show him
11:37Fine or mild
11:46And a bottle of white
11:47Bet your cheapest one
11:49Yeah
11:49You must be Gary
11:57Fantastic
11:58Your Aunty Terry
12:00Real special lady
12:02Yeah
12:02Here you go, my love
12:05Try that
12:07Shelley, I'm a minus 4.5
12:10I think it's holding you back
12:12Clear the board, Lance
12:14Hmm
12:18About that
12:20Yes, better
12:22From, uh, Uncle Nick
12:24Sweet
12:26Who's Uncle Nick?
12:30We don't have an Uncle Nick
12:31Might have one day
12:32If I play my cards right
12:34Well, hopefully
12:37Uncle's come to drive us up west
12:39Load of cash in it
12:42Well, I should know
12:43I'm making it
12:44She's spending it
12:46But I'm making it
12:47It's always the way, eh, girlies?
12:50Oh, no
12:51No, thank you
12:51Not for me
12:52I've got a bit of a headache
12:53Actually
12:54Graham?
12:57What?
12:58I've got a bit of a headache
12:59Right
12:59I'll drink some water
13:01Excuse me
13:04I'm going for a cigarette
13:07All right, now
13:08All right
13:08Want another beer?
13:16Jack the Ripper who?
13:18Maybe I didn't need to go
13:19Traipsing around Whitechapel
13:21Listening to someone
13:22Whitter on about disembowelling
13:24I'd discover darts
13:27These arrows had given me life
13:32I was starting to feel optimistic
13:36Whereas Mick was feeling
13:39Becky with the bad hair's arse
13:41Look, no hands
13:43All right, Mr Octopus
13:45I've missed chatting to you
13:54Sit down
13:54What are you doing?
13:55It's my fault I've been glued to that hockey all night
13:58Oh, making yourself at home
13:59It's nice
14:00Hey, he's come all this way
14:03To see me practice my darts
14:05That's the thing about Mick
14:08Takes an interest
14:09In my interests
14:11Yeah
14:13What happened to Greg?
14:15I liked him
14:16Married
14:17Oh, Terry
14:19You watch Dynasty
14:21You should know that they never, ever, ever leave the wife
14:25But they give the old spiel, don't they?
14:28She doesn't understand me
14:29It's different with you
14:31And the next thing it's
14:32I've got ringworm, Terry
14:34I can't leave the house
14:35Most men are bastards, Alan
14:37I mean
14:38Not you
14:40Obviously
14:41You're a sweetheart
14:43And your dad, you know
14:45Your dad's
14:45All right
14:46I mean, oh my God
14:47He's boring
14:48He was talking to me
14:50About the transfer window
14:51I said, Graham
14:52I'm going to stick my head through the window in a minute
14:54Wait
14:56When you get a good one, Alan
14:58Do you make sure you hold on to him?
15:01Oh, Terry
15:08He was grabbing that woman's bum while you were in the loo
15:11The shark wasn't her bum, Alan
15:16She's very thin
15:17It's probably her elbow
15:18He doesn't care about your doubts, Terry
15:21Oh, he's probably out of my league anyway
15:28I mean
15:29Look at him
15:30He's using a coaster as a toothpick
15:34Terry, no
15:36Look at me
15:37Look at me
15:37You are a strong, independent, beautiful woman
15:42Stop it
15:43I mean, Mum would kill for that kind of volume in her fringe
15:47And I know she thinks you're a nightmare
15:50But that's just because of your pizzazz
15:52That's why you live in London
15:54Well, greater London
15:56We're not going, are we?
16:00To the West End
16:01It's a bus and three tubes, Alan
16:03It's fine
16:04I'm going to live in London when I'm older
16:07Be out on the town every night
16:09Better believe it, kid
16:11You'll be licking champagne off a chandelier with a cast of ollie oaks before you know it
16:15Anyway, I can't leave now, can I?
16:19I've got 86 and three frowns to go
16:21I'm sorry, darling
16:23You have had fun, haven't you?
16:25Something stronger?
16:33Trying to get me drunk
16:34Come on
16:36Out with it
16:37Who are you after?
16:39You don't go throwing chicken chow mein at a man for nothing
16:42Is it Alfie?
16:45Who wants him?
16:47Stoke?
16:48Barnsley?
16:49Stoke City
16:50But they don't want Alfie
16:52They want you
16:54What?
16:57It's a big offer, Graham
16:58They're not mucking about
16:59Been eyeing you up for a while
17:01They're going in for the kiss
17:02They want to talk
17:04I can make it happen for you
17:06Just a phone call
17:07It would be my pleasure
17:08I think you'd be mad not to jump at it
17:12Cobblers were small fry
17:14But this
17:15This could change everything for you, Graham
17:17And the family
17:18And I'll only take 20%
17:20You sure I can't tempt you?
17:24Eh?
17:26Yeah
17:26Oi!
17:29Two sarkies!
17:32The needle
17:33The sweating
17:34The urge to get it in the right spot
17:38It was like that time I OD'd on a Zen pick
17:40You're lonely over there
17:44Busy, Mick
17:46We were going to have a good time
17:47You're having a very good time by the looks of it
17:51Oh, come here
17:52She said she's busy
17:53Ooh, Kenneth Williams to the rescue
17:57Oh, leave it out, Mick
17:58Yeah, she's right
18:00You don't want to be causing no
18:02Bounty rubble
18:04It's time we called you
18:06A shabbit dab
18:09I think
18:10Is it now?
18:13Er, can you give me space?
18:14I'm trying to hit a triple top
18:16Enough, Mick
18:17Don't you turn your back on me
18:19You little poof
18:20Ow!
18:23You did that deliberately!
18:25No, I didn't
18:27It was an accident
18:28Oh, sling your rope
18:30Wes?
18:31Wes?
18:32Chuck him out
18:33He stabbed me!
18:35He threatened my nephew
18:37What's he been doing in here, eh?
18:39He's only 12
18:4013 and a half, actually
18:42I am fuzzies!
18:47Oh, my God, Alan!
18:49Get in sight of the BCG
18:51Oh, Mrs. Carr
18:55Terry has left a message for you
18:57Oh, God
18:58She said, could you please come back?
19:01Jesus, it's only half past nine
19:02Er, they're at the King's arms
19:05I'm gonna kill her
19:06I've tried before, but I'm gonna do it this time
19:08Graham, we need to leave
19:09Surely not
19:10Drink round hours first
19:11I insist
19:12You can follow the Jag
19:13Look, we get it
19:14You drive the flash car
19:15And you eat fish with the eyes in
19:16Well done, you
19:17Bye, love
19:18Graham
19:19I can't leave
19:25I mean, I'm leaving the restaurant, but
19:28I can't leave the club
19:31I appreciate the offer
19:34But
19:34The money would be nice, but
19:37I won't let my players down
19:41Or the club
19:43Or Ron
19:45We've been through a lot to get where we are, but
19:48Yeah, there's more left to do
19:51Nice to meet you
19:52Look, if you change your mind
19:55You know where to find me, all right?
19:58I won't
19:58Come on, kids
20:01Come on, kids
20:03Terry, why are they in a pub?
20:05I love sport
20:15See, he loves sport
20:17It's not sport, it's a hobby
20:19What was that?
20:21Eh, nothing
20:21To think of all those times in PE when I had to run around a field in sub-zero temperatures
20:26And I could have been in dolls in the world
20:28Okay, so I hadn't seen a beefeet or a single pearly queen
20:33But I had seen life
20:34And let's be honest
20:36I could have stayed in Northampton to spend the night in a manky pub
20:39Watching drunks play darts
20:41But being down here with my favourite aunt
20:44Made me feel hopeful somehow
20:47Well, what was the problem then?
20:49Nothing
20:49I just thought you might want to see him
20:52He's fantastic, Graham
20:54I hope you know how fantastic he is
20:56And I thought, now that you're a football wife and all that
21:00Ah, Chris, that you could do with the excuse of getting away from that boring chit-chut
21:05Oh, transfer window
21:07I need to throw myself out the bloody window
21:09I said that!
21:12Oh, what are big sisters for, Ray?
21:15Oh
21:16Where's Gary?
21:19Gary?
21:20Oh, there's two of them, aren't there?
21:22I reckon if I knackled down, I could play professionally
21:33For you?
21:35From the gentleman
21:36What?
21:38The little one
21:39Yeah, the fruit was seen
21:40Thank you, my darling
21:44Well, at least they've had a good night
21:47I was nice to get out of Northampton, wasn't it?
21:51You know, change of scenery
21:53No, I'm sorry
21:54London is overrated
21:55Oh, I know
21:57Oh, it's a stopper man
21:58What?
21:58Oh, the imagination on him
22:01I think he's overtired
22:03Oh, me and all
22:04Right
22:05Take us back home
22:07Back to Northampton
22:08To Northampton
22:10To Northampton
22:1360 miles by Rotorail
22:17It's the love in my fairy tale
22:2160 miles to reach my gate
22:25Northampton
22:26It's a feeling I can't explain
22:31I only know that it feels the same
22:35I just can't wait to be in Northampton
22:40Northampton
22:43Northampton
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