- 21 hours ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00The killer left the tip of a penis in our tip-off box last night.
00:09I want some more information on this Donna kebab.
00:11Kay Blanchett.
00:13You're familiar with my oeuvre.
00:15The Kill All Men Killer.
00:17I have the most brilliant idea for a dating sketch.
00:21Hello, I am the kitchen gardener.
00:25Kay can't be the killer and a pigmy.
00:27She's just a pigmy.
00:28It's Barbara, right?
00:30How's Maya?
00:31Alright, get up.
00:32We're making an arrest.
00:33Oh boy.
00:35Shit.
00:37Good afternoon, staff and students.
00:39I'm absolutely thrilled to announce that as of yesterday evening,
00:44police have detained a person of interest in regards to the tragic campus murders.
00:49We are very confident this will lead to an arrest.
00:52So I'd love if we could put all this behind us and focus on the upcoming Federation games.
00:58Has the body of the third victim been found?
01:00Don't say body.
01:01You're still alive.
01:03You can survive without a dick.
01:05Why are they detaining an innocent woman?
01:11How do you know she's innocent?
01:12How do you know she's guilty?
01:16Oh, what, you're saying a woman's not capable of murder?
01:18No.
01:19I could happily kill you right now.
01:21Bring it on.
01:23Hey.
01:24What?
01:25Hey.
01:26Where are you going?
01:27A man is still missing.
01:29We need to keep protesting.
01:30Hey, a woman is being falsely imprisoned.
01:32Have some respect for the cause.
01:34We have 29 anonymous tips pointing to you, Donna.
01:52So why don't you start by telling us where you were the nights of the murders?
01:56We want to get you out of here, Donna.
02:05Just tell us where you were.
02:09This isn't helping your case at all.
02:12Maybe you should reconsider legal counsel.
02:21Okay, why don't we take a break, yeah?
02:24Can we get you anything?
02:26Some water?
02:27A tea?
02:28Kebab?
02:39Look at this.
02:42I think that, yes, the killer may be in custody,
02:46but her work will echo throughout history forever.
02:50The annals of art history will never forget her.
02:55It remains bold, primal, vaginal.
02:58If you'd like to go further into the very subject,
03:01I penned an article and you can go to my website.
03:04You do realize he's taking credit for art he didn't make
03:06that wasn't even intended as art.
03:08Do you have a Google alert for him?
03:11Do you feel bad for Donna?
03:14Why should I?
03:15She's the murderer, apparently.
03:17Is she?
03:17She didn't vandalize the statue.
03:19Shh.
03:20Hey, Nicole.
03:22Where's my eyeshadow?
03:24Oh, um, sorry.
03:25It's just that I was just having a look at it.
03:27Are you going on a date?
03:29No, I'm going to the party.
03:31What party?
03:32Cups and tarts at Stevens College.
03:34Everyone's going.
03:35You still owe me a toaster.
03:39No one messaged me.
03:41No.
03:42Doesn't mean you can't go.
03:43Nicole said everyone's invited.
03:44Let's go.
03:48We can dress up as detectives.
03:50Cool suits, sunglasses, cigarettes, magnifying glasses.
03:53We're the tarts, Elise.
03:54We're always the tarts.
03:55The boys are the cops.
03:57Okay, I guess I could make that work.
03:59But there's only one problem.
04:02Me.
04:03I'm famously awful at parties.
04:05If I were to be part of Operation Make Barbara Cool Again,
04:08you'd have to give me a complete...
04:11Give you a complete what, Elise?
04:13Barbara, you need to turn me into someone horrifically different.
04:16I need to be your perfect wingwoman.
04:18Then I can help you get your brand back on track
04:20and reconnect with your real friends.
04:23So, okay?
04:26What time is it?
04:29If you want me to say makeover time, I'm not going to.
04:34Ha ha ha ha ha.
04:36I can get like...
04:46I can get like...
04:47I can get like...
04:48I can get...
04:49I can get...
04:50I can get...
04:51I can get...
04:53Did anyone order two absolute party animals?
04:57Did anyone order two absolute party animals?
05:03Welcome to the Arrest Pissar, another dangerous woman off the streets.
05:22On behalf of the Stevens College boys, let's fucking party!
05:34We've got six hours and then we're gonna have to release her. This is killing me.
05:37She's a law student, Roach. She knows we don't have enough.
05:41Look, I get that the VC wants an arrest, okay? But this just seems...
05:46Yeah, well, if she has nothing to hide, why not talk?
05:49Okay, the tech guy searched her phone. It's been completely wiped.
05:53So we now have reasonable suspicion that evidence has been destroyed. Search her room!
05:59Just don't, Shep.
06:01No, Shep.
06:12Nose ring!
06:13Blade! I thought you'd be protesting.
06:15Nah, I wanted a shower and a drink. And besides, they'll release her. They'll have to. It's only a matter of time.
06:21But how can you be so sure?
06:24Hmm?
06:26Ask Caroline. Donna's roommate.
06:28She here tonight?
06:30Are we flirting or chatting?
06:33Just chatting!
06:34Oh.
06:39Barbara.
06:40Donna's roommate Caroline is here. We have to talk to her.
06:42Elise, is that why you wanted to come? Can we just... let's just leave it.
06:45No, no, no, no, no. I came to party. But if Donna is innocent, the police will be after us again.
06:51And it means there's still a killer on the loose, which means everyone on campus is in danger.
06:56Whoa!
07:00How did you...
07:01Bagpiper's fingers.
07:04Nimble.
07:07Here.
07:08Oh, no, no, no. I'm not cold.
07:10It means you like to. You're ready to take a...
07:13I'm Tomo.
07:14Elise.
07:16Wanna dance?
07:18Uh, sure.
07:20Hey, Wally!
07:22Do you want a beer?
07:23Yes.
07:25Oh.
07:31Aren't you in the MRA now?
07:33How are you allowed back in the group?
07:35I brought beer.
07:37Must be nice to be a man.
07:43That could have been us, but, uh, you didn't show up.
07:48You never showed up for me.
07:50Scott died, and you didn't give a shit. Why don't you just admit that you used me to be the doe?
07:57Why don't you just admit that you used me to nurse your fragile male emotions?
08:01You're heartless.
08:02You're selfish.
08:03You're vain.
08:04You bore the shit out of everyone with MMA.
08:07Fuck you!
08:08Fuck you!
08:09Why couldn't we have done this before?
08:10I always felt like you wanted me around, but you never wanted to let me in.
08:34Elise?
08:35I think it's working!
08:36I think it's working!
08:43I think it's working!
08:44Hey, where are you going?
09:05Oh, I'll be back.
09:06Don't go anywhere.
09:07We found this in your room.
09:17It's a list of 212 people with dates, including the names of the two murder victims.
09:25Lyle's name crossed out.
09:27Is that because you killed him?
09:30We just want to understand.
09:33Doesn't look good, you know.
09:34Lyle's name, refusing to cooperate, the wiped phone, and now this.
09:38It's time to come clean.
09:40They're the people I've had sex with.
09:43Okay?
09:44You cracked the case.
09:45Congratulations.
09:48212 people.
09:51That's impossible.
09:53Maybe for you.
09:55Why'd you cross out Lyle's name?
09:58Because we only got to third base before he passed out, and then I found out he was a creep, so I dodged a bullet.
10:03You had animosity towards him.
10:05Plenty of women hated Lyle, and Scott, for that matter.
10:08But you had intercourse with both of them.
10:10I'm sorry.
10:11Have I been arrested for having sex with dumb guys?
10:14Because, if so, you're going to have to arrest a lot of girls.
10:18There are six dates on this list with somebody called Jumper.
10:25So?
10:26Why is Jumper the only pseudonym?
10:28You've got 200 full names written down there.
10:33Well, I can only assume that this Jumper is somebody you're protecting.
10:39Or maybe shouldn't be with.
10:42According to your diary, you were with Jumper on the day that the third victim's penis tip turned up.
10:48Is Jumper the third victim?
10:49Is Jumper the third victim?
10:53Have you hurt someone, Donna?
11:03We cannot let fear lead to violence against women.
11:07There is a war going on against men, and it's got to stop.
11:13I can't believe they went to a party while a woman rots in jail.
11:20You know what would be funny?
11:22If I went to that party and I brought those boys back.
11:27That's the most intelligent thing you've ever said.
11:29Really? You think so?
11:31I'm going to come with you.
11:34I'll walk you.
11:38No.
11:39I'll walk you.
11:40Ow.
11:43Not if I walk you there.
11:45It's not if I said I was walking.
11:51Come on, bro.
12:08What the hell is happening?
12:10Midnight. Tradition.
12:12Take your pants off me.
12:14Have you seen Barbara?
12:15We need to talk.
12:16We need to talk.
12:29Yes.
12:39Barbara.
12:42We need to talk.
12:47Barbara?
12:56What the fuck?
12:59What the fuck?
13:06Gross.
13:16Sorry, babe. You bailed. And she's a seven.
13:20For Satono, I think you're so annoying.
13:22Come on, pick up. Pick up.
13:33Help me.
13:35What's wrong?
13:36I'm trying to write an email, but my typing game's off for some reason.
13:44Let me see.
13:49Okay, um...
13:52Okay, I will write, you dictate.
13:55Dear...
13:57Police.
13:59My roommate didn't kill anyone.
14:03Truth is, she's been sleeping with her professor and she was with him both nights of the murders.
14:14Love, Caroline.
14:18Wait, you're Caroline?
14:19Mm-hmm.
14:21Do you know which professor?
14:23All I know is, he wears fugly jumpers.
14:27Not Phoenix then.
14:29Huh?
14:30Sorry, if Donna has an alibi, why is she protecting this guy?
14:33Yeah, she's not protecting him, she's protecting herself and...
14:39Her future law career.
14:41This shit always comes back on the woman.
14:46You sent her?
14:50Two hundred.
14:51I mean, that can't be true, can it?
14:55You have to get over that.
14:56And we have to let her go.
14:58This jumper guy could be bleeding out in a sex dungeon as we speak.
15:01Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's not Donna's dungeon.
15:03Well, of course you are.
15:04What does that mean?
15:05Because you're too involved.
15:07You're losing the big picture again, Shep.
15:09You're being obstructive and difficult.
15:11I'm losing the big picture?
15:12Yeah.
15:13These murders are not about what's happened this week.
15:16Or what's happened this semester.
15:18They are the result of 200 years of female rage.
15:27Each year, one in six women are harassed on this campus.
15:34One in 30 are assaulted.
15:37Most of them will know their perpetrator.
15:40And they will come to me looking for help.
15:44And I can't give them any.
15:48Because misogyny is woven into every element of this place.
15:54And until that changes, until we change that,
15:58people are going to keep dying.
16:02You watch.
16:05And the old roach that I read about in all those articles
16:08probably would have given a shit about that.
16:10Um...
16:12What?
16:14We just received an email.
16:15I think you should see.
16:20Dorian!
16:24Hey, Daren!
16:25Shouldn't you be crying in the quad?
16:27We should all be on the quad.
16:29Dorian!
16:31Men are still under attack.
16:33Yeah, but I'm out of shirt.
16:36Hell yeah!
16:37You just got silly screams!
16:39That isn't even funny.
16:45What the hell?
16:46Oh my god thank God.
16:47If there's something seriously wrong about that...
16:52Um...
16:56Oh my God, thank God.
17:09If there is something seriously wrong about that, um, Peek, what are you doing?
17:16Tonight, and tonight only, I will fuck you.
17:20And then, we take the secret to our graves.
17:22But, what about the cause?
17:29Let's force the cause.
17:40I'm sorry, Maya. I'm so sorry.
17:45I was a different person back then, but it's no excuse.
17:49Hey, have you seen Barbara?
17:53I was literally just looking for her.
17:56You can't go over there.
18:00Nicole, if this is about the toaster or the scarf, they're having a conversation that's been a long time coming.
18:05Scarf.
18:06Who's that?
18:08Maya.
18:10She's the one who spoke out after the Obig party at this college.
18:15And your friend publicly came out in support of her rapist?
18:18What?
18:20No, Barbara never said anything about that.
18:22It happened before you started.
18:24But Barbara wouldn't do that.
18:26Would she?
18:27I have enough to deal with.
18:31And I don't want to hold a grudge, so we're good.
18:36Really?
18:38Yeah, I'm doing better.
18:39If I can throw it.
18:43That's great.
18:45How about you?
18:46There's a script on campus I've been going through and it's...
18:49Oh!
18:50I'm fine.
18:51I'm fine.
18:52Thank you, though.
18:53Barbara, what happened to you that night?
18:55It was...
18:56It was just that camel video.
18:58But that's done now.
18:59They've stopped posting it, so it's fine.
19:01No, I'm talking about what happened afterwards.
19:05Downstairs.
19:08It was a party.
19:10We were all wasted.
19:12Okay, well then...
19:16You wouldn't mind coming down there with me then.
19:27So you've released her?
19:28Well, we had to.
19:29I think we need to rethink the whole investigation.
19:31Well, I won't say anything.
19:32That should buy you some time.
19:34The students should know that the murder is still out there.
19:37You leave the students to me.
19:38I don't tell you how to do your job.
19:39Well, you do, constantly.
19:42You and I both know that this is not a new problem.
19:45Women have been coming forward for the past 200 years.
19:49But they can't win because, well...
19:52Because misogyny.
19:54Thank you, Detective.
19:55For mansplaining my own campus to me.
19:58Did you go to university?
19:59I mean, do detectives go to university?
20:02No, I didn't go to university.
20:04Exactly.
20:05Because what you're talking about is university.
20:07Every university.
20:09You're talking about the university experience.
20:12One of the professors is sleeping with his students.
20:14Which isn't a crime.
20:15Unlike castration.
20:17Unlike murder.
20:18Not sure why I have to spell this out for you.
20:22I have a lot of very upset parents to deal with.
20:26Find the fucking boy who belongs to that fucking tip.
20:31The fucking tip.
20:32The fucking tip.
20:34The fucking tip.
20:36The fuck?
20:37Oh, my God.
21:07I can't believe I didn't know.
21:33You look different.
21:34What's changed?
21:36Nothing.
21:37It was a stupid idea anyway.
21:42Boundaries, bro.
21:43Read the room.
21:52Turn the music back on.
21:58What the fuck?
22:00What the fuck?
22:02Ivan.
22:03Ivan!
22:04Somebody call the cops!
22:06Somebody call the cops!
22:08Somebody call the cops!
22:11Losu!
22:11Oh, my God!
22:15I see the stage.
22:18Let me down.
22:21Notice how you become your hero now.
22:21Good.
22:22I see.
22:22There's a secret.
22:23I see.
22:23I was sort of a school.
22:24I will have to do the same thing now.
22:25I've seen it now.
22:25I was like my assistant AD.
22:26Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
22:56Oh, oh, oh.
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