- 5 hours ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00TGI, FML, NGL, lol. Now I am a woman of the workforce. I crave the weekends. Just a chance to relax away from Canon Capital's meetings and memorandos and electronic mails. What is all this shit? Lars, no!
00:25Ah, my darling, do both these eyes look hazel to you? I think it's important my monster has a matching set.
00:31You have turned our home into Jack the Ripper's recycle bin. I thought you had finished creating your freaky monster sex doll man.
00:38My darling, if I am to maintain my freaky sex doll monster man, as you inaccurately call him, it's important I have an adequate supply of spare body parts.
00:46What are these?
00:47Uh, their hearts, their livers, their spleens, their kidneys. That's a cat's arsehole. I have no idea what that is.
00:53Whatever, just get them gone.
00:55Come on, chop, chop.
00:57There's no room in this house for all the things I need to get done.
01:01Bye. I'll pick those up later.
01:05Don't sing if you want to live long.
01:08They have no use for your song.
01:11You're dead, you're dead, you're dead.
01:14You're dead and out of this world.
01:18Now I hope that compassion is gone.
01:21I've sold out your dream to the world.
01:23Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead.
01:26You're dead and out of this world.
01:28I have had enough.
01:41There are too many useless ball sacks lying around the house with you and Nandor.
01:45We cannot deal with all this extra shit.
01:47My darling, I have everything under control.
01:50Oh, do you?
01:51Absolutely.
01:52Then what are those?
01:53Feet.
01:54Perhaps Leszlo was trying to tell you the game is afoot?
02:01Shut up, Kian.
02:02Nandor, does it not concern you that you are sat on top of a bag of noses?
02:06I thought it was a cushion.
02:09I fell in the bloody pile of torsos again.
02:13Fucky, no, no, no, no, Luzzo.
02:16I mean it.
02:17Look at me.
02:17Oh, just find a place to store all of this human crap.
02:21All right, my darling, but where do you suggest?
02:24The small space under the stairs where Guillermo used to live.
02:26We never figured out what to do with it since he moved into the shed.
02:29Actually, that space has already been occupied.
02:33What the shit gives you the right to take over that space, Nandor?
02:37A, Guillermo was my familiar, and B, I have already done it.
02:41And so it begins.
02:43First, Nandor unilaterally gives my garden shed to Gizmo,
02:47a shed I lovingly converted into a temple of self-worship.
02:51Or some might call it a jack shack.
02:53Now, this has to end now,
02:55otherwise Nandor will take over the house entirely.
02:57A slope slippier than a horse saddle.
03:00Mmm.
03:01If you had wanted the space under the stairs,
03:04you would have taken the space under the stairs.
03:05Yeah, well, I do want the space under the stairs,
03:07and I intend to take the space under the stairs for all my...
03:12To keep the body parts in order.
03:14Yes.
03:15Hey, sorry, don't mean to interrupt.
03:17I just want to let you know that you guys are out of hot water.
03:20Hold your horses, no coward.
03:23You can tell your ex-boss that this house is not a dictatorship.
03:26Yes.
03:26No.
03:27I don't want to get involved.
03:28You guys figure it out, okay?
03:29And how do you propose we do that?
03:31I don't know.
03:32Take a vote.
03:33Good idea, Gizmo.
03:34Hey, everyone, let's have a vote.
03:37Okay, I'm going to go.
03:38Nandor, that is a great idea.
03:40Oh.
03:40Let's take a vote.
03:41All those in favor of giving Laszlo dominion over Guillermo's old space under the stairs
03:46to use as a storage facility for his bodily parts.
03:49Yes, and all my sex stuff.
03:52Okay, raise hands.
03:54And all those in favor of it remaining the sovereign territory of Nandor for its exclusive use as a home gymnasium,
04:01which only Nandor can use, raise your hands.
04:04No.
04:04It is settled.
04:05Two to one.
04:06Ha!
04:07Yeah.
04:07Bad luck, Blackadder.
04:08I demand a recount.
04:10Sorry.
04:10The people have spoken.
04:11Don't tarnish your legacy, Nandor.
04:13Hear me out.
04:14A jar?
04:15A gym only I can use?
04:17Hmm?
04:17Fuck off.
04:18Laszlo.
04:18Still thinking about it?
04:20No, not even a little.
04:22Yes, don't be a little bitch, Nandor.
04:23What can I say?
04:25I lost.
04:26Another time I would just seize the territory, but I grow weary of the fight.
04:33Perhaps it is time for this old cowboy to just hang up his spurs and go fuck himself right up the pooper.
04:42Okay, fine.
04:43I should tear out my stairmaster in booty pens by tomorrow.
04:47Good.
04:48And also, give Laszlo his postage.
04:49This is not good.
04:50Yes.
04:51Not good at all.
04:52So I regularly use our network events to gather intel on my housemates, and I've recently uncovered a troubling development.
05:03Well, it's finally happening.
05:06I'm being forced out of the house.
05:08Over the years, I've kept extensive records detailing the power rankings within the house.
05:15Who's hot, who's not, who's chic, who's weak, who's fly, who's shy, who's ballin', who's stallin'.
05:21Up here, you have Nandor, then Nadja, then Laszlo.
05:26And down here, Guillermo, until recently.
05:28And over here is your baby boy, Colin Robinson, who is going down.
05:35I've been able to hold on to my place in the house due to a delicate dance, not unlike Henry Kissinger's triangular diplomacy.
05:45Nadja and Laszlo represent one stalwart alliance, Nandor and Guillermo the other.
05:51My lone wolf status afforded me a position of power, a tiebreaker, the herald prince to their Stephen Sondheim and Andrew Lloyd Webber.
06:01But the power dynamics have now shifted.
06:04Now that Guillermo has left the house, Nandor is a broken man.
06:08And I fear it's just a matter of time before he goes over to the Nadja-Laszlo alliance for good,
06:14and they decide to kill me and quarter my body to share as six souvenirs amongst themselves.
06:20Or worse, I have to go apartment hunting.
06:26Come on, you know you want to.
06:28I'm not moving back into the house.
06:30Fine, but will you at least talk to Nandor?
06:33I don't think me talking to him is going to make a difference. He's not going to listen to me either.
06:35Well, you didn't let me finish. Sorry.
06:37What I was saying before you cut me off and didn't let me finish was,
06:41maybe if you were to talk to Nandor, I could walk by or something and he'd see me and he'd be like,
06:47oh, there's Colin Robinson. I should really form an alliance with him.
06:51You know, to get out of having to talk to you.
06:53Okay, good night.
06:54I appreciate you playing my favorite song to cut the tension,
06:58but I don't think it's going to help me solve this problem.
07:00Doesn't hurt though.
07:01Oh my God! Talk to Nandor, don't talk to Nandor. I don't care, right? Just leave me out of it.
07:10Hypnotize him for all I care.
07:11Oh, that's ridiculous. Everyone knows you can't hypnotize a vampire.
07:14They always have their guard up.
07:15Well, then hypnotize him when he's asleep, like I'm trying to be.
07:20Sleep hypnosis is such a thing even possible.
07:23Can you do that somewhere else, please?
07:25I like the ambient noise.
07:28Let's take it again.
07:29Three, two, three.
07:30Sleep hypnosis.
07:32Is such a thing even possible?
07:33I have to find out.
07:51Nandor, Nandman.
07:55Dipshit.
07:57What's up?
07:58What's up?
08:02Hear me now and believe me later.
08:06You are a fierce warrior.
08:09I am a fierce warrior.
08:12You must stand your ground.
08:15Stand my ground.
08:18Your only ally is Colin Robinson.
08:22Are you sure?
08:27Yes.
08:27You love Colin Robinson.
08:29That sounds wrong, but okay.
08:33All right.
08:33Laszlo, is that chair totally necessary?
08:43It's taking up a lot of room.
08:45Well, how else can I sit and review my stored items of science?
08:48Is that the box of pornography in front of you?
08:51No.
08:52Anatomical textbooks.
08:53The collective works of Doctors Flint and Guccione.
08:56Hey, have either of you seen Nandor?
08:59Oh, he's probably oversleeping.
09:00Without his home gym room, he has very little to live for.
09:03Cool, cool, cool.
09:04I'm just going to go for a walk.
09:07Just a normal walk.
09:09Okay.
09:10Laszlo, I know what you're going to do with that chair.
09:12You're going to sit in it and stroke yourself reading your filth.
09:15Perhaps I will.
09:16I'm sorry, my darling.
09:17Would you like a hand?
09:17Yes, I'd actually love one.
09:19Well, thank you, okay.
09:21Love one.
09:25Buddy.
09:277 p.m. time to rise and...
09:30Oh!
09:30I got any profuse.
09:35Maserat, me home.
09:36Colleen Robinson.
09:38Venome Alcolodal!
09:43Some of them are just cool on to fit in as one piece.
09:46That's what my gran say.
09:48I am back for my walk.
09:50Who fucking cares?
09:51I saw Nandor out in the hallway.
09:53He'll be in in a sec.
09:55Uh-huh.
09:56What the hell?
10:02What the dick is he saying?
10:03Hold on, I have a translation app here.
10:09I have conquered officially the room beneath the stairs.
10:12No one's conquered anything.
10:14What the fuck is he talking about?
10:16And I could not have conquered the room beneath the stairs
10:19without Colleen Robinson, my primary alley within this fortress.
10:25They take what we wish and defend it unto death.
10:28Ooh.
10:28Ugh.
10:29You heard what he said, you ding-dongs.
10:31This is our house now, and if you don't like it,
10:32you can eat my ass.
10:34Ha-ha-ha!
10:34Ah-ha!
10:35It is plain to see something very strange is going on with Nandor.
10:42Hey!
10:42He's being competent and assertive.
10:45Much different to the soaking wet simp we are used to.
10:48I'm not going to stand around while these two tits bugger about.
10:54I do important science in there three times a day.
10:57Nandor, get the fuck out of there.
10:59NFC!
10:59Oh, thank you.
11:00You heard the lady.
11:01Fuck off.
11:02Oh, good.
11:03Look, I'll just sashay it in.
11:04Sashay away.
11:05No, no, no, no, no.
11:06We're facing a bit of the counter, Tom.
11:07We need your help.
11:08You know, why don't you just all share the room?
11:09No!
11:10My husband needs a foreign body part!
11:11Hold on me, you idiot.
11:12Quiet!
11:13I have a fair and equitable solution to propose.
11:18Okay, then.
11:19Come on, Tarzan.
11:20We're all ears.
11:22Yeah, so he set the house on fire.
11:26Turns out his equitable solution was if I can't have Guillermo's room, then no one can have it.
11:35Or something like that.
11:37It's hard to tell because he also set my phone on fire.
11:41Boy, did we mess up.
11:44We?
11:45No, there's no we.
11:46This is all you.
11:47Who convinced me to sleep hypnotize him?
11:49You.
11:50Wait, I didn't do it.
11:51Oh.
11:52Hey, buddy.
11:53No, no.
11:54Not safe.
11:55No, why don't you sleep hypnotize him to go back to the way that he was before?
11:57Yeah, I want to, but my phone melted.
11:59Well, then get a new phone.
12:04I would get a new phone, but I kind of want to wait until the new one's released next year.
12:08I mean, there's nothing worse than updating your devices in the off cycle.
12:12Apple seems to be on a autumn release.
12:14Okay.
12:15You know what?
12:16How about this?
12:17We use my translation app, and then after that, I'm out.
12:19Okay.
12:20Type in, you will return to yourself as you were before.
12:24Bar guard, besho, hamoun, cabodi.
12:26Great.
12:27Okay.
12:28That should get him back to normal.
12:29Time to go to bed, buddy.
12:31And after this, no more sleep hypnosis.
12:35Let's hit the hay, buddy.
12:37Sleep hypnosis is such a thing even possible.
12:40Let's go, night night.
12:41When you awake, you will be much tidier.
12:51Tidier.
12:52Neater and cleaner.
12:54You will not be able to tolerate a single mess.
12:58Neater, tidier.
13:00Everything in its right place.
13:02I love you, mommy.
13:04Mommy.
13:06Oh.
13:19Oh!
13:22Very good, my love.
13:23Oh, Marmaduke, you are something else.
13:26You know, they don't live as long, the bigger dogs.
13:31Hey, man.
13:32I was reading that.
13:33No, not now, you're not.
13:34I'll have to iron it now.
13:35What is your major malfunction, FMJ, 1987?
13:40Bloody savage.
13:41Sheesh.
13:42We shall never be bulligerent.
13:44But we shall be as firm in defending our system as they are in expanding theirs.
13:50I think we can all agree that is very well spoken.
13:53That sounds kind of like a threat to me.
13:55This is not a threat.
13:57This is a statement of policy.
13:59But we are done arguing over the shitty little room under the stairs.
14:02Correct?
14:03I've never been a quitter.
14:04But as president, I must put the interests of America first.
14:09What the fuck is he talking about?
14:11Nobody will ever write a book probably about my mother.
14:17So, yes, I sleep-hypnotized Nandor again last night just to get him back to normal.
14:25And while I was messing around in there, I thought, why not improve on the original?
14:30Basically, just like this guy.
14:33This guy.
14:34Charismatic.
14:35A student of realpolitik.
14:37Nobody will ever write a book probably about my mother.
14:40But, yeah, I think I may have sleep-hypnotized Nandor into Richard Nixon.
14:45For 16 years, since the Hiss case, you've had a lot of fun.
14:50A lot of fun.
14:51You've had an opportunity to attack me, and I'd like to think I've given as good as I've taken.
14:56Colin Robinson.
14:57Huh?
14:58Have you done something to Nandor's brain somehow?
15:01No.
15:02No, I don't.
15:03I don't think I did.
15:04Oh.
15:05Nandor, listen to me.
15:07Has Colin Robinson done something to your head?
15:10Hmm.
15:11Hmm.
15:12People have got to know whether their president is a crook.
15:17Well, I'm not a crook.
15:19Hmm.
15:20Hmm.
15:21Hmm.
15:22Hmm.
15:23Hmm.
15:24No.
15:25No.
15:26Don't commit.
15:27Whatever it is, I don't care.
15:29Hmm.
15:30Hmm.
15:31Hmm.
15:32Hmm.
15:33Hmm.
15:34Are you okay?
15:35Hmm.
15:36Do you want to talk about it?
15:37Mm-hmm.
15:38Come on.
15:39Okay.
15:40What is it?
15:42You know what it was?
15:44What?
15:45It was a little Cocker Spandled dog in a crate.
15:49He sent all the way from Texas, black and white spotted.
15:52And our little one, Tricia, the six-year-old.
15:56She named it Checkers.
15:58Wait, isn't this like a Richard Nixon speech?
16:01Our kids, they love that dog.
16:03And I just want to say this right now.
16:05Regardless of what they say about it, we're gonna keep it.
16:10Did Colin Robinson sleep hypnotize you so you're only able to speak like Richard Nixon?
16:15I will not put the blame on subordinates.
16:18I'll take that as a yes.
16:20Would you like me to help undo it?
16:23Suck it to me.
16:25And you'll go back to the Nandor from before.
16:29Just a regular vampire.
16:32What is this?
16:33Sleep hypnosis?
16:35Is such a thing even possible?
16:37Your camera's filthy.
16:39No, it's all addressed to Lazlo Cravenworth.
16:40It's weird.
16:41I wonder how he even figured out how to use Prime.
16:44Mmm.
16:45Mm-hmm-hmm, what, uh...
16:47Ah!
16:48What's going on here?
16:49My parcel's from the Amazon.
16:54Thank you for ordering, Colin Robinson.
16:56Prime what what's going on here my parcels from the Amazon thank you for
17:05ordering Colin Robinson Lord Laszlo's wishes my command
17:11sovents and sponges for everyone yeah I just say you look fabulous bear
17:16letter you know but it turns out that these little scallywags do more than
17:21just keep me young in spirit they also secrete a wonderful healing cream look
17:27I'm almost back to normal the sire extracts milk from them every evening so
17:32anywho sleep hypnosis is such a thing even possible apparently yes I kid you
17:39everybody knows about sleep hypnosis do you think you could hypnotize them back
17:44can I the supreme all-powerful vampire hypnotize them obviously why won't you
17:51hand me your very smart telephone and I can record my hypnosis you can play it
17:55for them later but do not listen lest you become hypnotized yourself
18:01about noise cancelling yeah so now I'll do the recording if you put on your ear
18:06buddy phones you shall forget everything you know and everything you have no one
18:15okay let me listen to that back I'll sound so nasally in these things okay
18:19you like it yeah okay great okay so now I will do the recording oh you shall forget everything you
18:33know and everything you have no one okay let me listen to that back I'll sound so nasally in these
18:39things okay great I'll just take the phone back not so fast I still need to do the recording oh I see
18:52good you guys are finally up up with the
19:22luck it was the best sleep I've had in ages indeed good sir named or the relentless by the way I don't
19:30believe I caught your name Leslie Cravensworth you may call me mr. Cravensworth
19:35mr. Cravensworth who's that I have no idea so it seems that the barons hypnosis not only made them forget about
19:44their hypnosis relentless you say must be my lucky day but it also made them forget that they have ever met
19:50each other because of course it did right nice to meet you Naja hello hello I'm Colin Robinson who are you
20:04boners I say hello yeah I think I'm gonna like living here just fine apart from the fact that I'm disoriented
20:11slightly afraid and don't know who you are nice little nuts we've got here huh oh yes look at this
20:18chandelier surely could hold a sex net oh check out this little space back here oh yes look at this nice
20:26little space perfect for a place to hang out now we're talking I was thinking the same thing I mean
20:32it's a bit small it would only really be good for a solo pursuit if I may be so bold I think I would
20:39like to set up shop here that is okay but no you may not be so bold because I myself was hoping to set
20:44up shop just well if I might be bolder still I'd like to wank there see I was thinking of just having
20:50an area that I could stand in well so who the fuck is gonna get that space under the stairs
21:03I just want to say sorry that I haven't been around lately but I have been working closely with
21:16your old roommate Jerry the vampire on his big fantastic plan to conquer all of North America
21:22who come on you know Jerry the vampire your old roommate super slumber guy tall he's got a round
21:30face I don't know who is who or what is what but I am loving this DC blonde sleep hypnosis I was
21:39trying to tell him oh yes sleep hypnosis is a very real thing I learned that my first week of vampire
21:45council sleep away camp of bitches and cabin night enchanted oh everyone made me fall if we had I'm sure
21:52I would have remembered anyway it is quite easy to undo you have never been sleep hypnotized neither of you have
22:03ever been sleep hypnotized ever harsh little baby done done done
22:10I just had the strangest dream you were there Laszlo and you were there Nando but we didn't know each
22:23other mm was I there no knock knock sorry I was knocking for a while and just let myself in
22:30Guillermo de la Cruz we know no shit Geronimo oh good you saw my resume I'm here for an interview
22:36with uh Andor I saw the ad on Craigslist half bed no bath lighthouse work required I think I can handle
22:44that so apparently Guillermo likes to listen to podcasts while he falls asleep unfortunately for him
22:53he must have listened to the baron's hypnosis message on loop over and over again instead of
22:59his usual real housewives from bumfuck wherever recap
23:03oh yeah was it yes nice to meet you I am Nando shall we hi good luck and at Panera Bread I was
23:18responsible for closing and opening of the shop impressive thank you I was wondering if I could ask you
23:26something sure you guys are you know what you guys are vampires right yes I knew it that is so awesome I had a feeling just I didn't see your things until now that is so cool I know you couldn't put that in the ad obviously you know just I mean I've always fantasized about being one a vampire
23:31that is when I was little I I was little I begged my mom I got my父 he felt a cape she had the money but I said she got my head and I was happy with that.
23:38I knew it. That is so awesome. I had a feeling. I didn't even see your things until now.
23:47That is so cool. I know you couldn't put that in the ad, obviously. I've always fantasized
23:54about being one, a vampire, that is. When I was little, I begged my mom for a cape. She
24:00didn't have the money for it, but somehow she found a way of making one, and I put that
24:04cape on, and I just fantasized about what it would be like to fly all over the world,
24:10no one picking on you, live forever. I was a pretty shy kid, so I didn't have a lot of
24:16friends. I'm sure you can understand that. Not really. I was rich in the joke. Yeah.
24:22That makes sense. But I can imagine. It must have been very hard. It's okay. I don't want
24:31to jump the gun here, but I would love to be your familiar. But I do want to ask, if
24:39I, or your familiar, whoever you choose, your choice, did a really great job, and did everything
24:46you ever asked of them, would you ever...
24:49Make you a vampire? Yes.
24:53I must confess, I am a little tempted to keep Guillermo as he was the very first time he
25:00came to me. I will dehypnotize him later tonight, but for now, I will let him have one last sleep
25:08in his little room under the stairs. I forgot how loudly he breathes.
25:20So in the end, we figured out the best solution. Share the room. Share the room. Share the room.
25:39Share the room.
25:40Share the room.
25:41Share the room.
25:42Ah.
25:43You've got me hypnotized. I can't eat. I can't sleep at night. You've got me hypnotized.
25:58You've got me hypnotized. You've got me hypnotized. You've got me hypnotized.
26:23You've got me hypnotized.
26:25You're right.
26:30I can't take myself.
26:31You've got me hypnotized.
26:32I can only do you want to share with a woman.
26:33And that's all I can do about you.
26:38Bao cause.
26:39Kyucus, big blood shall find.
26:41You will.
26:44Oh, I won't pretend for me.
26:48I will.
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