- 12 hours ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Right. He's gonna live in your bedroom, is he?
00:05Unless you wanna take him?
00:07I've already got a sexton under my bed, Rachel.
00:10OK, life updates, bullet points, though. I value my time.
00:14Er, Josh is now a clone of his dad,
00:16but I've met someone new who I think will support the life I want.
00:20Border boys are all the same, Rachel.
00:22The only thing stronger than their desire for sex is their fear of sex.
00:26There's really no point in...
00:28Holy shit!
00:30This guy's in the order.
00:32He must've joined recently, otherwise I'd applaud him.
00:35His tattoos are Bible verses.
00:37And my boner's dead.
00:39OK, chop, chop.
00:40Gotta take this design student to a craft fair.
00:43She's shy, blonde, doesn't know she likes girls yet.
00:46She's exactly my type.
00:47Still can't believe you got to go to uni and I didn't.
00:50Rewarded for dishonesty.
00:52Welcome to the real shitty world.
00:54I love the real shitty world.
00:58Careful!
01:02Oh no.
01:03To qualify as a paramedic I need a driver's licence.
01:06Do you think my parents will pay for lessons?
01:09Rachel, I'm not committing blasphemy when I say I am the lord of the road.
01:13We couldn't just pay for an intensive course?
01:17Oh, this will be intensive.
01:19Now, rev.
01:21I said rev.
01:25Now lift!
01:29OK, that was a stall.
01:33That'll happen about a third of the time.
01:35I'm really worried Melissa.
01:52Yeah, I can hear David destroying your car.
01:55You hate that car.
01:56As long as he doesn't kill your daughter, it's all upside.
01:59I mean about Aaron.
02:00He won't leave his room.
02:02It's match day at church and he says now Andrew's lost.
02:04Samson's just going to pair him with a girl one day.
02:07Sorry, Andrew.
02:08Yona, do you have any spare matches?
02:11I'm going to pair all the suits in my wardrobe.
02:13I have matches.
02:14No, sorry Andrew.
02:15No matches here.
02:17Aww.
02:19He looks well.
02:24So, have you spoken to Aaron about the not liking girls thing?
02:28Actually, David handled that chat.
02:30He took Aaron to an abandoned trailer.
02:33Sorry, David is handling your child's sexuality?
02:37That's grounds for calling social services.
02:39I don't suppose you would have a...
02:42Oh, right.
02:43Oh, because I'm the only lesbian, you know.
02:45You want me to go whisper your son?
02:47Yeah, right then.
02:51That girl has no aptitude for driving.
02:54Getting her to my level.
02:55We're talking years.
02:56Probably never.
02:57What's for dinner?
02:59Microwave shepherd's pie in the fridge.
03:01Mmm.
03:02Microwave.
03:03I remember when you used to make it yourself.
03:05With love.
03:06Well, we microwave it now.
03:07Do you want me to put it in for you?
03:09As long as it's done with love.
03:18How did it go?
03:19Right, I've made a deal with Aaron.
03:21He's going to come out of his room,
03:22and you're going to plaster your religious shop
03:24with his super gay designs.
03:25Right.
03:26Why am I doing that?
03:27Because you're a good mum, Fiona.
03:29Yeah.
03:31Well, Abijah is alone,
03:33but at least I can witness you getting your match.
03:35Maybe I'll even vicariously share in some of your joy.
03:38Wouldn't that be nice, Josh,
03:40if I vicariously shared in some of your joy?
03:42Uh-huh.
03:43A nice reformed boy who recanted his sinful ways.
03:47Did you choose him, Rachel?
03:48You may as well tell me.
03:49It's about to be common knowledge.
03:51Surely we find out confidentially.
03:53You'll be wanting to hear your confidential matches.
03:56And here they are on the jumble screen.
03:59Rachel and...
04:01Josh.
04:02You didn't tell me your nickname was Jeb.
04:04I don't get it.
04:08Who could she possibly pick over you?
04:10Oh, that guy.
04:13Yeah, that tracks.
04:14Remember to get a chaperone.
04:17One couple has already asked about so-called physical compatibility.
04:21They'll be given two chaperones.
04:23Josh, can I just say...
04:27You want space.
04:29If I had a penny for every time people wanted space.
04:35Josh.
04:36Please don't be angry.
04:38Oh, I'm not angry.
04:40Bit sad maybe, but I'll pray on it.
04:43I've got plenty of time to pray.
04:45Since I wasn't matched.
04:46Joshua.
04:47Go meet your match.
04:48But I only chose Rachel.
04:50Yeah, don't with that.
04:51This is Heather.
04:53She's modest.
04:54Polite.
04:55And she's agreed to report on your actions periodically.
05:05Hi, Heather.
05:06Hi, Josh.
05:08What?
05:09Hi, Josh.
05:11Hey, what are you...?
05:12Hi, Josh.
05:14Glad to remind you.
05:15We had a great chat.
05:17I don't remember hearing you speak.
05:19I couldn't shut up.
05:22Hi.
05:23Hey.
05:25Well, Josh.
05:26Rachel may not have picked you, but I have.
05:28And in a show of loyalty, I will chaperone your date with Heather.
05:31Bye, Joe.
05:32Could you chaperone me and Rachel?
05:34You seem cool.
05:35Oh, Jeb.
05:36I'd be delighted.
05:38Looks like I'm doing Rachel and Jeb too.
05:40Double date.
05:41We could do it all together.
05:42More efficient and more fun.
05:44Jeb thinks I'm cool.
05:47Rachel, what is that cursed almanac?
05:50It's the highway code.
05:51No.
05:52The only code we follow is the law of the almighty.
05:55This car has been baptised in God glory.
05:58Why do you think motorists always give me such a wide berth?
06:00Because you take motorways in second gear.
06:02Yes.
06:03An advanced manoeuvre.
06:04Is this going to be one of your long lessons, Dad?
06:08I want my licence, but I also have my date later.
06:12She wants a job.
06:13She wants a date.
06:14She is the modern woman.
06:16Will we be number by 5pm?
06:17Rachel, allow me to reframe your question as an insult.
06:20Your driving ability is null.
06:22Here in wheel world, you just don't got it.
06:25But I think I know the reason why.
06:27I'll be honest.
06:28Are you afraid of driving?
06:29No.
06:30Well, that's why.
06:31Dad!
06:32Use the fear, Rachel.
06:33Somewhere inside you is a force.
06:35A force that can find the biting point.
06:38What's in the boot?
06:41Many heavy objects.
06:43Why?
06:44Just asking that question proves you aren't ready.
06:47Queer craft market.
06:50I reckon Aaron could find his chosen family here.
06:53Aren't I his chosen family?
06:55No.
06:56You're the fucked up one he's stuck with.
06:58Aaron's t-shirts are selling well.
07:01Even better than my stock.
07:03Fiona, and I mean this in a nice way.
07:05Your stock is puritanical dross.
07:07But this...
07:09Noah's heart with gays going in two by two.
07:12Son's a genius.
07:14Oh, gay Jesus.
07:16This would really aggravate my dad how much.
07:19Julia!
07:20You two know each other?
07:21We watched a sad man have sex in a car park together.
07:24You don't forget a bond like that.
07:26Fiona, I'm gonna take a break and touch Julia
07:29because you don't pay me and I can do what I want.
07:32How are you doing?
07:33Better.
07:35Thanks for doing this, Mum.
07:38Sales are great.
07:40Even after my 50% order donation.
07:43You give 50% to Samson?
07:45He's supposed to be God's vessel.
07:47You think God's vessel is an irate homophobe
07:49who makes Abijah Closbestos from the roof by hand?
07:52Guys, Julia can get us into a day rave.
07:55What's a day rave?
07:56It's a rave during the day.
07:58Right.
07:59Yes.
08:00What's a rave?
08:01I think you'll like it, Aaron.
08:03Well, I like it.
08:04I think you'll find it difficult by most things.
08:0920 degree incline, soul-shaking cobblestones
08:12and a boot loaded with mass.
08:14If you can hill start here, you can hill start anywhere.
08:16Yeah, I'm not doing this, Dad.
08:18You think it's impossible?
08:19I think it's stupid.
08:20Well, I defy the impossible.
08:21Out of the car.
08:22Crest the hill to witness my triumph.
08:27I'll see you at the top.
08:29Faithless child.
08:31I give my whole soul to you, to you.
09:00Are you beginning to believe?
09:11The highway code can't tell you how to do that.
09:15Ooh.
09:17Um.
09:20Don't worry.
09:21Quick prayer.
09:23That car will be fine.
09:25You see?
09:36And now that nice man is making sure everything is o-
09:38Okay.
09:49Do you reckon that would have happened if you hadn't filled the car with weights?
09:51Rachel, I don't think that question helps anyone but yourself.
09:55Yes, just reported a stolen vehicle?
10:06No, it was unlocked and the keys were inside after I rolled it down a hill.
10:12Okay.
10:13Because I filled the boot with weights to test my daughter.
10:17Sorry, what part of this do you not understand?
10:19Okay, pass me to a superior.
10:23We're going to need at least a sergeant on this.
10:25Dad, I'm getting the bus to my date but it should be said, you are a bad driving instructor.
10:30Hmm.
10:31You undertake people.
10:32You use your hazards instead of indicating.
10:34So the other drivers know I could go in any direction.
10:36And you tell me to actively hug the rumble strip.
10:39The strip tells you where you are.
10:41It's your friend, Rachel.
10:43Just take a look.
10:44At yourself.
10:45For a change.
10:46Sorry, that was just my daughter telling me to take a look at myself.
10:53Well, who are you to say that she's right?
10:56Welcome guys.
10:58Sharpen your spurs and saddle up for some romance because we are here in the Wild West
11:03and anything can happen except for kissing and holding and touching of any kind.
11:10We are sitting separately, right?
11:11Totally.
11:12So you guys over there.
11:14You guys over there.
11:15And I shall be your watchful sheriff.
11:18What's that opposite each other?
11:20Hold your horses, Joshua.
11:21You haven't seen the abiger divider.
11:26So you have privacy from each other but not from me.
11:29Please don't touch it.
11:30It took so long to make.
11:32Sorry, I forgot to hug you hello.
11:34Well, we're not supposed to hug because it's against the rules.
11:37I might grab one of those as well.
11:39Oh.
11:40Oh.
11:41Okay, so shall we hug then?
11:42Let's not push it, Josh.
11:43Right.
11:44What are we having?
11:45Oh, yes!
11:47They brought back the sick shooter Sunday.
11:50They must have got my emails.
11:52Could I have two gay Jesus, one gay lower and the Last Supper where everyone's gay?
12:04Preach.
12:07How old is he?
12:08Sixteen.
12:09I should know.
12:10He's our surrogate son.
12:12Really?
12:13Yes.
12:14I love my wife.
12:18Sure.
12:19That was the straightest talk I've ever had.
12:22One was closeted for a decade.
12:27And the ball of a steer to a cowboy's ear is music of sweetest strain.
12:35That's from A Cowboy's Life by Anonymous.
12:39The sheriff's talking too much, isn't he?
12:41The sheriff will shat his bazoo.
12:44So, I like your clothes, but I thought shirt and tie was the rule.
12:48It is door.
12:49Don't speak over the divider, please, Josh.
12:51But are all rules equal?
12:53Sure, the Ten Commandments, they're a big deal.
12:55But petty little regulations like don't covet your neighbour's wife.
13:00Oh!
13:01It's funny because that literally is the Tenth Commandment.
13:05Yeah.
13:06And I knew that as well.
13:07I don't think he was joking, Rachel.
13:09She laughed, Josh.
13:10That means it was a joke.
13:12Take the birthday rule.
13:13Have you ever celebrated one?
13:16No.
13:17No, of course not.
13:18They're pagan.
13:19Okay.
13:20But would our creator really mind us saying thanks for being created once a year?
13:24I don't think he would, Jeb.
13:26Mm-mm.
13:27I don't think he would.
13:28On your next birthday, I'll get you your first birthday cake.
13:34Okay?
13:35Yeah.
13:37Sure.
13:38Sounds great.
13:40Look at you guys.
13:41All covered in chemistry.
13:44And how's it going over here, J and H?
13:46You panning for gold or are you trapped in Tumbleweed Town?
13:49Why is he like this?
13:51Hey, Heather.
13:52I've got a shake in my boot.
13:56That's really funny, Abijah.
13:57Do you think so?
13:58That's the best joke I've ever heard.
14:02We've sold out.
14:04Everything.
14:05Not your God is the waities.
14:07I've been hiding those deliberately out of shame.
14:09Shall we pack up and go home?
14:11Yep.
14:12Oi!
14:13VIP entrance.
14:14Let's get fucked up.
14:15Come on, then!
14:16Sharks?
14:17Two-pound sharks, anyone?
14:18Hey.
14:19Two-pound sharks?
14:20Oh, thank you for offering, but I'm quite scared.
14:23Ah!
14:24Ah!
14:25One-pound sharks!
14:26Can I try some with you?
14:27Yeah, sure.
14:28Can I try some with you?
14:41Yeah, sure.
14:52Did you get any?
14:54I got it.
14:56There's no bite mark.
14:58Well, the car got stolen, so now I need to find a way to learn how to drive.
15:03I'll help you. That was quick.
15:05Sorry, guys, I've had a lot of wagon burger. What are we talking about?
15:08I was about to offer to teach you myself.
15:09That would hardly be appropriate, would it?
15:11You're dating. You need a chaperone.
15:13We wouldn't need a chaperone for a driving lesson, would we, Elijah?
15:16You should know. You're the elder. The best elder.
15:19Whatever you say, Jeb. I can't say no to those eyes.
15:23OK. Jeb, looks like I'll learn with you.
15:26Awesome.
15:27You pick the tunes, I'll find a quiet road.
15:311-6, shoot a sundae.
15:32For the sheriff.
15:33Yeah!
15:34Just put it down anywhere.
15:36Can I just move?
15:37Absolutely not.
15:39Enjoy.
15:41Heather.
15:44My family think I'm useless, Gideon. What do you think?
15:52I'm just going to lay my head in there with you. I need your soothing pearls. That's OK, right?
15:57You too, huh?
16:01I see how it is.
16:10David. Hi.
16:12Maud.
16:13What are you doing?
16:14What have they done to you?
16:19I'm perfectly fine.
16:21Just worried that my wife, son, daughter and cat hate me.
16:24Well, families and cats do like the familiar.
16:29Some of us are too unique for the common crowd.
16:33My daughter thinks I'm a bad driving instructor just because I took her to an absurdly steep hill.
16:38What was the incline?
16:3920 degrees.
16:40Well, if she can do a hill start there, she can do a hill start anywhere.
16:46I don't know.
16:47Maybe I do need to look at my behaviour.
16:49Why would you do that?
16:51David, I think you're perfect.
16:53Just as you are.
16:55You don't even know me.
16:56I know enough.
16:58Maud, was there a reason that you...
17:01Is that homemade shepherd's pie?
17:08My wife makes that for me all the time, so...
17:10Really?
17:11Because you're looking at it.
17:13It's as though you haven't seen one in years.
17:15Did you come far to bring that here?
17:18No.
17:19Just a 90-minute walk.
17:22Try it.
17:24You want me to try your pie?
17:28In front of you?
17:29That's right, David.
17:32Go on.
17:37Good boy.
17:38Well, I shall take my leave.
17:43Hug goodbye.
17:46I don't think that would be appropriate.
17:48Did you not enjoy our hug the other day?
17:51I just thought, perhaps, when you're not getting hugs in the marriage,
17:56that getting them elsewhere can only strengthen the relationship.
18:00Maybe another time.
18:02Goodbye, David.
18:03Be careful, David.
18:13Be very careful.
18:18Is there a flag for what I am?
18:20You're a straight ally, Mum.
18:22Oh, so you're the rainbow bits.
18:26And I'm the plain black and white.
18:28Fair enough.
18:29That is the energy I bring.
18:31Aaron?
18:34I think I know what to spend the money on.
18:36We have a gift for you.
18:57Andrew's not worthy of a gift.
18:59Then why does it bear your name?
19:00I feel better.
19:21I feel powerful.
19:23I feel like Andrew.
19:25Elder.
19:26Andrew.
19:27Looks healthy, doesn't he, Mum?
19:29Yes.
19:29Very, very healthy.
19:33PHONE RINGS
19:34Good news.
19:3970% of my parents are continuing their courtship.
19:42Those of you who dropped out will be repaired
19:45to connect with their fellow losers.
19:51Elder, I won't be donating this month.
19:53And before you can ask why,
19:55I'm going to get some squash.
19:58Are you responsible for this?
19:59How could I be?
20:01I'm only 13.
20:02Same age as David when he pebbled Goliath.
20:05What a pebble.
20:06What a guy.
20:06What a pebble.
20:06What a guy.
20:06Ah, prodigal son returns.
20:29Andrew, how's your fragile mind?
20:32Samson.
20:33Samson.
20:34Enforced courtship breaks the 2008 Charter.
20:36Surely you know that.
20:37Now, if you push for a new rule,
20:38I need to know how and I need to know why.
20:40So, how about we elders have a chat?
20:46A nice, long, biblical chat.
20:50A biblical chat.
20:51A biblical chat.
20:53A biblical chat.
20:58Hold that sip, Fiona.
21:00If you'll follow me to the street,
21:01there's something parked there,
21:03shaped like a surprise.
21:05I thought you said it was new.
21:15Yes.
21:16This is the same.
21:18No.
21:20I say make, mobile, colour and engine capacity,
21:22but this is a completely different Nissan Sunning.
21:24I scoured the internet.
21:26You mean, you went out of your way
21:28to source a carbon copy of a car I've always hated?
21:31Not a carbon copy.
21:33This one has a broken radio.
21:35So, tomorrow, we hit the road, Jeb's dial.
21:39You're pumped.
21:40Yeah.
21:41Did you pass first time?
21:43No.
21:44But the examiner said it smelled amazing.
21:50I see physical contact.
21:52Row two.
21:53Stop that.
21:54No.
21:54Sorry, guys.
21:55Save it for the honeymoon.
21:59Wow.
22:00He has really toned forearms.
22:14Please.
22:15Bye.
22:20Bye.
22:20Bye.
22:22Bye.
22:22Bye.
22:24Bye.
22:26Bye.
22:29Bye.
22:30Bye.
22:30Bye.
22:30Bye.
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