- 10 hours ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00You
00:24Calvin Calvin
00:30I
00:34Was watching that
00:37Do you hear that what I think I hear the baby crying the baby in the house next door
00:44What if Daphne is crying no Marty and Courtney they don't know what to do their new parents, okay, babe
00:50Look they'll figure it out. I know you loved having that baby over here the first night, but her place is with her parents
01:00Come on now, okay fine
01:03No, I'm not crazy. I know I heard a baby crying
01:07And then crap all the way over here
01:09Mmm
01:19Where did you leave the pacifier?
01:21I want to wake Malcolm up
01:25Oh good you're already up
01:28Technically I am still up. I never fell asleep. Is something on your mind Malcolm?
01:33Yeah
01:35Yeah, I'm concerned about plastic straws. Oh, they're making them out of pasta now
01:40I don't give a damn about them straws
01:43Look it is impossible to get any sleep around here. No offense. I love my niece, but she has got our mama's lungs
01:50You might even go wipe that off
02:04Hey Marty, how about you trade and let Malcolm sleep out here?
02:07I'm sure it's quieter than being next door to Daphne
02:09I can hear everything through those thin walls
02:12Daphne crying Courtney pumping Marty crying
02:16I'm just so tired
02:27Where you going?
02:28I just remembered I need some kumquats
02:33Nobody needs kumquats
02:35Especially not at 2 in the morning
02:38I got a craving for kumquat marmalade
02:40Are you gonna tell me that I don't need marmalade?
02:42Man, this is literally the first time in my life I ever heard you say the word marmalade
02:49And you only going to that kumquat tree because it's next to Marty's kitchen window
02:54You're spying
02:55Okay, well I'm going over there
02:56Don't you go over there
02:57I'm going over there
02:58Don't you go over there
03:01She going over there
03:02Welcome to the block
03:04Welcome to the neighborhood
03:05Welcome to the neighborhood
03:06Welcome to the hood
03:07Welcome to the hood
03:23What's up party people?
03:24Let's freaking go
03:27I haven't slept in two days
03:29There is no party and I'm not freaking going anywhere
03:35Uh oh, baby?
03:37Baby, up crying half the night
03:40Hey man, I'm exhausted too, you don't hear me complaining
03:43Well you don't get to complain, it's your baby
03:46You know, if you want, I could come over and handle the overnight feedings
03:51And then give her some breakfast, have a quick bath, take her for a walk, have some lunch, a nap
03:57And then, uh, have her back in town for dinner
03:59Mama, we really appreciate everything that you've done, but we got it
04:04Anyway, I hate to run, but I have got a date with a little lady who wants to throw up in my mouth
04:10Oh, I am so tired, and I have a midterm tomorrow
04:18You know what? I'm gonna get a room at the Marengo Sweets
04:22That's smart thinking, cause nobody is getting any sleep around here until that baby gets some sleep
04:29Wait, Gemma, I have a solution
04:32The magic blue chair
04:34The magic blue chair
04:36Let's freaking go
04:38What's the magic blue chair?
04:41The super snugly vibrating chair that no baby can resist
04:44Sounds great, where is it?
04:46Oh, it's in my attic
04:47Calvin, I'm telling you, Grover used to sleep 21 hours a day in this thing
04:55Hearing that out loud, that probably wasn't good
04:58Let's freaking go
05:01You know what? Y'all go ahead
05:08Found it
05:09Oh, maybe before we give it to them, we should peel the 14-year-old Cheerios off at first
05:17Hey, Gem, look at this
05:18It's a bunch of old lists I made
05:20Rockin' band names
05:22Top ten dogs
05:25Things to do before I'm 40
05:27Huh
05:28Ride a camel
05:29Scale the Sears Tower
05:31Man, I haven't done any of these things
05:36Meet Mr. T
05:38Franchise a Boston Market
05:41Learn Japanese the hard way
05:45What does that even mean?
05:46Well, I don't remember
05:50But I haven't done it, I mean, I haven't done any of these things
05:54Party like a rock star?
05:57See five geysers?
05:59Come on, how many geysers are there?
06:02Gemma, this is awful
06:03I'm over 40 and what have I accomplished?
06:06Nothing
06:08Hello? You have a wife and a child
06:12Come on, everyone has those, big whoop
06:14Okay, okay, wait, look at number 11
06:19Leave Kalamazoo, move to a big city, you did that
06:22Yeah, because you got this great job here
06:26Slept my way into that
06:34Yes, hello, uh, room service
06:37Do I need to have a child to order off the kids menu?
06:42I understand
06:44Then my son will be having the dino nuggets, the mac and cheese
06:48And your finest IPA
06:59What the hell?
07:01Did you go and steal that baby?
07:05What? No, I'm not crazy
07:08I just hit a baby monitor and a stuffed animal in Daphne's nursery
07:14Now I can be sure to hear if my baby needs help
07:17Tina, you're the one that need help
07:21You hear that?
07:23She needs to burp
07:25Okay, you know what? This has gone too far
07:28Do you realize that you are already over there all day every day?
07:31And now I don't have to be
07:34Burp, there it is, I told you
07:37That's it, that's it
07:39I'm not gonna be a part of this
07:41Well, where are you going?
07:42I don't know, but you need to be stormed out on
07:43I don't know, but you need to be stormed out on
07:50Set my alarm for 8am
07:57Don't forget
07:58Oh God, no!
08:05Your mother is driving me crazy
08:08You know, ooh, this is a good idea
08:10I do not want to be disturbed
08:14What side of the bed you want?
08:15Uh, parking lot for you, but it'll do
08:28Yes, it'll do, for me, Pop
08:31Look, why are you here?
08:33You know I love your mama, right?
08:36I need me some alone time
08:39Ooh, you gonna finish these dino nuggets?
08:41I was planning to
08:42Never mind
08:44You got honey mustard
08:46I'll raise you better than that
08:47We ketchup people
08:51Now this bed does look comfy
08:53I haven't slept in days, but
08:56Oh!
09:00This is my bed, Pop
09:02We in a hotel, man
09:03You can get your own
09:05And pay for two rooms?
09:07Boy, I'll raise you better than that now
09:10Listen, if that's room service
09:12See if they got some ketchup for the dino nuggets
09:18Good, Malcolm, it's you!
09:21What?
09:22I found him!
09:23Yeah, sorry about all that
09:25Lovely meeting, all of you!
09:29Why are you here?
09:31Aw, man, I forgot to turn off my ringer
09:33Then I got a Scrabble alert
09:34And I woke up the baby
09:35She started screaming
09:36Then Courtney started screaming
09:37And she said, I'm counting to three
09:39I was in the car by two
09:41Well, that is a good move
09:42Cause trust me, you do not want to see three
09:45Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
09:47This ain't your room
09:49Uh, Pop?
09:51This ain't your room
09:53But I'm already in the bed
09:55Hey, Courtney
09:56Hey, Courtney
10:01Hey, Courtney
10:02Hey, what?
10:03Yeah, some of your mail was accidentally delivered to my house
10:05I just wanted to make sure you got it
10:07It's addressed to current resident
10:09Yeah, that's you
10:11Oh, my little gumdrop
10:14Are you sure she should be moving that fast?
10:16Oh, she's fine
10:17You know, studies show
10:19A consistent lateral gliding motion increases the number of sleep-related brain oscillators
10:24And you stopped listening, didn't you?
10:26You know, I'm just gonna, uh, turn this thing down to slow
10:29Well, that's not slow, that's unplugged
10:31Yeah, that works, too
10:33Oh, I know, I know
10:35Yes, your mama Tina just saved you from that terrible machine
10:40Oh, she!
10:41Oh, yes, she did!
10:47Welcome!
10:48Hey, before I hop in
10:49Are you taking the shower cap?
10:51The one you're wearing, Marty?
10:53No, you can keep it
10:56God, does anybody know what do not disturb means?
11:00Okay, good
11:01You're all here
11:02You can ignore the group text
11:04Please pull my block
11:06All right, now I need you to be honest with me
11:07This is not helpful if you're not honest
11:11Have I wasted my life?
11:13Wasted?
11:15Dave, you have a wife and child
11:17Oh, gosh, you sound just like Gemma
11:19Now, look at this
11:21I made this list 20 years ago
11:23All of my life goals
11:25Oh, damn, he's about to read it
11:29I am 42 years old and I have only seen two geysers
11:33One of which was Old Faithful
11:35And that's just a gimme
11:37Well, Dave, you know what they say
11:38You can't compare yourself to people who've seen more geysers than you
11:44If only it was just the geysers
11:48I've never ridden in a sidecar
11:50I never got my Frasier reboot off the ground
11:52And I have never once partied like a rock star
11:56I think they did a Frasier reboot
11:58Huh, I know
12:00And it was magnificent
12:02All right, you know what?
12:03Well, Dave, calm down
12:04You're bringing down the vibe in my hotel room
12:07It is not your hotel room
12:10Wait a minute, what do you got in that mini fridge?
12:13Ain't no ketchup
12:15Okay, all right
12:18Two Ansel lights and a mini Chardonnay
12:20Tonight I'm partying like a rock star
12:23This hotel room is getting trashed
12:25Okay, okay, uh, they have my credit card on file
12:28Let's not get crazy, Dave
12:30That's exactly what we are gonna do
12:33Get crazy, Marty, crank the clock radio to Jack FM
12:36I'm not gonna do that
12:40Okay, fine, why don't you guys pop that Chardonnay
12:44I'm gonna throw the TV out the window
12:48Again, again, my card is on file
12:52It's about to get lit in here, man
12:54We're doing this thing right
12:58It's really, it's, they screwed it all the way into the wall
13:00All right, okay, look, if we're really gonna turn this thing into a party
13:05Let's get some glasses, we'll get the ice filled up, let's get the thing rolling, okay?
13:10This tiny Chardonnay must be really good because it is $30
13:15Okay, all right, I'm going to my car
13:18I'm getting my scattergories
13:20No, no, no, you know what?
13:22You go to your car and leave, all of you, right now
13:25You know what, that's right, love it
13:27Everybody get on out of here, don't
13:28No, no
13:29Oh, no, no, no, no, no
13:31You too, Pop, everybody got to go, right now, out
13:34Me?
13:35Yeah, you, ain't no ketchup in here, man
13:45Hey, Marty, I'm sorry I snapped at you before
13:48Oof, you better be, you are way out of line
13:51I just lost it
13:53Yeah, giving my son a countdown, that's my move
13:56You know, I gotta admit, I'm so tired, I don't even remember what we were fighting about
14:01Well, anyway, your mother stopped by, she's so sweet
14:05But boy, she can be a lot
14:09What?
14:11She came up with excuses just to show up here five times today
14:14To take that baby out of that oscillating death saucer, my bad
14:23Okay, now that's my mother you're talking about
14:26That's right, you tell her, Marty
14:27And if I know my mother, she definitely came here more than five times
14:31I mean, that woman isn't capable of staying in her lane
14:36Watch your mouth, Marty
14:41I've been a little scared to handle Daphne alone in my apartment, but
14:45I think it's time
14:48Your apartment?
14:50Well, that's all the way across town, no!
14:53That's out of my range!
14:56Gemma, I'm telling you, David Lee Roth couldn't get that TV off the wall
15:04Dave, listen to yourself
15:06And I'm not talking about now David Lee Roth, I'm talking about hot for teacher David Lee Roth
15:13Dave, stop! Why did you even want all these things?
15:17I don't know
15:19Look, I was young and everything seemed possible
15:21Now it's too late
15:23Too late? For what?
15:25The kid who wrote this list thought 40 was old
15:28But it's not, you're just beginning
15:30Come on
15:32Think about where Marty and Courtney are
15:34With a newborn?
15:36Their next 13, 14 years, they're screwed
15:40But Grover's in 8th grade
15:42He went to the mall tonight with some friends and they're sleeping at Dexter's
15:45We are gonna be freer than we've been in years
15:48To do what?
15:50Anything we want!
15:51I mean, we could start being stupid again
15:54Let's just pick one and set it for this weekend
15:57Number 8, swimming with sharks
15:59Boom!
16:02Really?
16:03They do shark diving trips off Catalina
16:08Yeah, yeah
16:10Yeah, we could do that
16:12We could definitely do that
16:13Although, you know, the water is pretty cold this time of year
16:16Okay, number 9 then
16:19Run with the bulls and Pamplona
16:20We've been saving for a trip
16:22We can do that!
16:23Yeah
16:24When I wrote this list, I didn't know how mean they were to the bulls
16:27Number 10, eat every part of a cow
16:30Yes, I can do that!
16:32I mean, over time, not in one sitting
16:34No, of course not!
16:36How about this weekend?
16:37We go out for burgers
16:39And not just any burgers
16:41Smash burgers!
16:42Number 10, I'm coming for you!
16:44Mark it off!
16:46Who knows?
16:47Maybe we'll even see Mr. T
16:49Come on, Mr. T!
16:51Hey, babe, I'm back
16:55You were gone?
16:57See, that's exactly it
17:00You're so obsessed with that baby monitor
17:02You didn't even notice I was gone
17:05How could I notice?
17:06Daphne's moving back to Courtney's place
17:09Who told you that?
17:10Marty and Courtney
17:12Well, what did you say?
17:14Well, they didn't tell me personally
17:17I heard on the baby monitor
17:23You know that's messed up, right?
17:24No, no, no, no
17:25You know what's messed up?
17:26They said that I was a lot
17:30Well, you definitely not a little
17:33Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
17:34You agree with them?
17:36Okay
17:37Say what you gotta say
17:39Okay, here's the thing, Tina
17:41Your feelings wouldn't even be heard
17:43If you weren't listening in
17:44To other people's private conversations
17:46Marty and Courtney are not other people
17:49And they don't know what they're doing with my baby
17:51Okay, here's the thing
17:52You see?
17:53And that's the other thing
17:54She is not your baby
17:56You know who you starting to sound like
17:58Don't you say it
17:59I'm gonna say it
18:00Don't you say it
18:01I'm gonna say it
18:02Don't you say it
18:03I got to say it
18:04My mother
18:05Damn it, you said it
18:07I had to say it, Tina
18:08It had to be said
18:10You remember when my mama used to read diaper Malcolm?
18:13Huh?
18:14That made you mad, didn't it?
18:16No
18:18It was helpful
18:21Tina
18:22I hated it
18:23You know, I had just made the perfect diaper
18:26And she's always saying
18:27Oh, that's too loose, Tina
18:29Oh, that's not enough powder, Tina
18:31Oh, that's not a diaper, Tina
18:33That's a washcloth
18:35I mean, it happened one time
18:37I was exhausted
18:40Well, you're doing the same thing to Courtney
18:46You're right
18:47What?
18:48Ooh, right
18:49I need to get that on my phone
18:51You said I'm right
18:53Say it again one more time
18:54Say I'm right
18:55Put a peep right into the camera
18:57I'm right
18:58Say it
18:59I'm right
19:01Say it
19:02Would your mama say it again?
19:08Your sugar must be low
19:09I'm gonna get you a cookie
19:14So tonight, you're sleeping at Mommy's
19:16But Daddy will see you tomorrow morning
19:20Hello?
19:21Mom?
19:23Since when do you knock?
19:25People can change
19:26I respect your privacy
19:29Okay
19:31We need to tell you something
19:32Oh, before you do
19:33I just wanted to let you know
19:34That I do realize
19:35At some point
19:36You're gonna wanna take Daphne back to your place
19:39Well, uh...
19:40And that's okay
19:41That's okay
19:42I just wanted to let you know
19:43That when you do come back here
19:45I promise to
19:47Work on staying out of your space
19:49Because I know I can be alive
19:54You?
19:55That's crazy
19:56Who said that?
19:58But I will always be there for you two
20:00And Daphne
20:02Whenever you need me
20:04But only when you need me
20:05So don't be scared to say when you need me
20:07Because when you need me
20:08Okay, Mommy, Mommy
20:09I need you to stop
20:10Thank you, Mrs. B
20:12I will definitely need you
20:15Courtney, you're a good mom
20:17Really?
20:19No, you won't
20:20I-I know that you are
20:21I just didn't think that she did
20:23Well, I will leave you to it
20:26I just wanna take this adorable cow
20:29As a keepsake for my baby Daphne
20:33Okay, bye, y'all
20:34See you later
20:38It's almost like she heard
20:39What we were talking about last night
20:40That cow was definitely wearing a wire
20:42I swear
20:44That bear's eye looks like a camera lens
20:46Yeah, I don't like the look of this duck either
20:48I don't like the look of this duck either
21:18Like the one
21:19Look at the windows
21:20There's a pair of hair
21:21I'm gonna take this one
21:22I've ever done
21:23Like the other woman
21:24This is perfect
21:25Like the other woman
21:26If she was a fool
21:27If the other woman
21:28Is she worked for her
21:30The other woman
21:31There was a woman
21:33Which I knew
21:34How she did
21:35That came to her
21:36That was the last day
21:38There's a woman
21:39The woman
21:40The woman
21:41Who I get
21:43Mold
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