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Short filmTranscript
00:00THE END
00:06Woo-hoo!
00:07It's lease signing day.
00:09A treat we only get once a century.
00:11The next one will be in paradise.
00:12You think they'll be lease-old contracts in paradise?
00:15Yeah, it's paradise.
00:17Joe, thank you for renewing.
00:20I'm Matt. Joe's just come in.
00:22Alright. So who's the freeholder then?
00:24Joint freeholders, we're married.
00:26Oh, nice. And Joe was short for Joanna, is it?
00:30Sorry, Emily.
00:33Christ's wombs.
00:35Samson, they are a lovely Christian couple.
00:38They were married in a Methodist church.
00:40Gets worse. I'm not signing.
00:42Well, that could be interpreted as a little bit of a hate crime.
00:45No.
00:46If we don't sign them, we'd have no place of worship.
00:48In the short term, I don't even know where we'd go.
00:53Guess who's going up in the world?
00:55She's off in the living room, David.
00:57Oh, you mean the church, Fiona?
00:59Hmm.
01:00David, what have you done?
01:02So, without consulting me, you've agreed to host 80 people?
01:05This house can hold 80 people.
01:06Mm-hmm.
01:07All we have to do is jettison everything we own.
01:08That's the spirit.
01:09What if it rains?
01:10Forecast is 40% chance.
01:11I like those odds.
01:12And you didn't ask Samson why we lost the church.
01:13Look, sudden wife.
01:14If the Lewis house becomes a church, we're important.
01:15We matter.
01:16We're loved.
01:17David, tell me you didn't do this just to feel loved.
01:21David, tell me you didn't do this just to feel loved.
01:22Rachel, is the minibar holy yet?
01:23I put a tablecloth on it.
01:24Next time, just say yes.
01:25Now, go and help Aaron turn your room into a crèche for the understatement.
01:26I'm sorry.
01:27I'm sorry.
01:28I'm sorry.
01:29I'm sorry.
01:30I'm sorry.
01:31It's just a 40% chance.
01:32I like those odds.
01:33And you didn't ask Samson why we lost the church.
01:36Look, sudden wife.
01:37If the Lewis house becomes a church, we're important.
01:41We matter.
01:42We're loved.
01:43David, tell me you didn't do this just to feel loved.
01:46Rachel, is the minibar holy yet?
01:49I put a tablecloth on it.
01:50Next time, just say yes.
01:52Now, go and help Aaron turn your room into a crèche for the under fives.
01:55Dad, can I just get your signature on something?
01:59Sure.
02:00David, were you going to read that?
02:02I think it's very clear I wasn't.
02:07Parental approval for Jebediah.
02:11So, if I sign this, you two will officially be quarter and courtie?
02:16Why don't we just call it boyfriend and girlfriend?
02:19I'll be vetting him thoroughly.
02:20Yes.
02:21Your mother and I will be riddling him with questions.
02:23Questions to the ribs.
02:25Questions to the eyes.
02:26Marriage is for eternity, Rachel.
02:28Mm-hmm.
02:29Get that decision wrong and, oh boy, are you stuck.
02:34Think about it.
02:35Every day, trapped in a prison of your own making.
02:38Inert in a mental rocking chair.
02:42Until you realise your whole life has been one long death rattle.
02:46And you're grateful when the gurgles finally stop.
02:52Okay.
02:53Let's go and fix the kitchen.
02:54There's a cookbook in there with a dried aubergine on the cover.
02:57And that will not fly.
02:59Move the fragiles to the garage.
03:03Only broke three glasses.
03:04If I maintain that rate when I move them back, we'll be in a good spot.
03:08David, what's this?
03:11That?
03:13The pie?
03:14I made it.
03:15You're claiming you cooked this.
03:17You seared the mince.
03:18Mashed the potato.
03:19Turned on the oven.
03:20Yes.
03:21Turn on the oven now.
03:23That's the dishwasher.
03:24Mm-hm.
03:25Hi, guys.
03:26Lovely turkey up there.
03:27Can you open it?
03:30No, no, no.
03:32No parking here.
03:33But as far as I'm concerned, the neighbours' lawn's a fair game.
03:36What's the game?
03:37No, no.
03:38No parking here.
03:39But as far as I'm concerned, the neighbours' lawn's a fair game.
03:41Mm-hm.
03:42It's the car.
03:44That's the car.
03:45No parking here.
03:46Yeah.
03:47No parking here.
03:48But as far as I'm concerned, the neighbours' lawn's a fair game.
03:52David, does your house church have a confessional?
03:56I have some intimate things I need to release.
04:00Well, the confessional is my 13-year-old son's bedroom.
04:03Do not release anything in there.
04:05FYI, the new confessional, not fully soundproofed,
04:08so no listening in from the queue.
04:10Though I guess you could just listen in and confess to it
04:13once it's your turn.
04:14Come on, Joel, let's hear those secrets.
04:20Hello. Morning.
04:21Good morning.
04:23Brother, sister, she's brought a small churchwarming gift to say thank you.
04:28Oh, it's engraved. Oh, my goodness, sir.
04:31Rachel, your match is a gentleman.
04:34No, Dad, my match is over there.
04:37Oh, yes. Not the pleasant boy who brought the thoughtful gift,
04:41but the tattooed man-boy groaning under the weight of his medallions.
04:46Hey, I'm Jeb Badiah, but please, call me Jeb.
04:49No, I don't think I will.
04:51Jeb's necklaces are actually all symbols of his faith.
04:53Powerful symbols, yeah.
04:55That's Catholic. That's Buddhist.
04:57And that's the saint who doesn't exist.
04:59Well, I feel like all faiths have part of the picture, right?
05:02Not a good start, Rachel.
05:06God's house should have things like a font and a chapel,
05:10not my dad's big bag of spoons.
05:12Are they special collector's spoons?
05:14No.
05:16Oh.
05:17We need to make this right.
05:19Walk with me.
05:20You and your sister sleep in the same room?
05:35This is my parents' room.
05:37Oh.
05:38Yeah, that's much worse.
05:40We should be alone in here, but the confessional is right next door.
05:45I'm feeling very pent up since Samson swarmed into chastity.
05:48I actually had a wet dream about Elder Samson.
05:52Joel, that's completely normal.
05:54Right, what do you know?
05:56Samson is claiming there was an unresolvable administrative error,
05:59but he won't reveal what it is or even which Elder attended as witness.
06:03If we find that Elder and make him talk...
06:06Then we can launch a no-confidence vote.
06:07It shouldn't come to that, Aaron.
06:09You know, we can handle this delicately.
06:11Still feel so stressed I did nothing at that lease meeting.
06:14Abijah, isn't this supposed to be my confession?
06:17Yeah, but who does Abijah confess to?
06:20Abijah.
06:21We can break Abijah.
06:22Break?
06:23This is war, Andrew.
06:25Some men break.
06:26Usually men like Abijah.
06:28Is there nowhere more private we could talk?
06:30There is no private now, Rachel.
06:32Your father killed it.
06:33And I'd do it again.
06:34For God.
06:35We could leave the house.
06:36And miss church.
06:38Outdoor Bible study is going well.
06:41I don't know what they're teaching them, but it looks good.
06:44I'm going to lock this so the kids don't interrupt.
06:46Relax, Rachel.
06:47This is just a chilled-out, getting-to-know-you chat, right?
06:51No, you're being evaluated.
06:53And if you fall short, your relationship will end.
06:55Oh.
06:56Cool stuff.
06:57Jeb, this family is a unit.
06:59That means if you want to date my daughter, you need to date me.
07:02David.
07:03He has to date me, Fiona.
07:04Question one to evaluate your suitability as a husband.
07:07How do you tell if a VHS tape is authentic?
07:10The hologram sticker.
07:15Okay.
07:16The boy has promise.
07:18David, I'm going to need you to be quiet immediately.
07:20So...
07:21Jeb.
07:22What are your core religious values?
07:25First and foremost, forgiveness.
07:28Matthew 18, 21.
07:29Jesus said not to forgive a sinner seven times, but seven times, seven times.
07:41That's just an unimaginable number.
07:43The quote is 70 times seven.
07:45Sister, if that were true, my tattoo would be wrong.
07:48Jeb actually studies the Bible very diligently.
07:51Is that right?
07:52Oh, yeah.
07:53And one thing I've noticed...
07:56It's mountains.
07:58Mount Sinai, Mount Arafat.
08:00Ararat.
08:01So many.
08:02It's a pattern.
08:03You've named two mountains.
08:04People talk about sex positivity, but Christ's own mother was a sex worker.
08:09No.
08:10No, no.
08:11That's Mary Magdalene.
08:13Different Mary.
08:15She was his mother, Rachel.
08:17No.
08:18Jesus' mother was a virgin.
08:20Wasn't she?
08:21Well, who's to say a virgin can't be a prostitute?
08:24With OnlyFans and that.
08:25Okay.
08:26I think I've heard enough.
08:28Can I ask my father that question?
08:30Did video technology peak with VCR?
08:32And given that it did, why?
08:35Can you unlock the door?
08:37I'm not supposed to get these children wet.
08:39Mum, you can't just dismiss him because he got a few questions wrong.
08:43I'm not.
08:44I'm dismissing him because he has 50 words tattooed on his body,
08:46and they seem to be the only words he knows.
08:49It's my duty to ensure you end up with someone compatible.
08:52Like you did.
08:58Look, I know you wanted me to pick Josh, but I didn't.
09:03I picked Jeb.
09:09Don't think about her, Josh.
09:11I'm going to give you so many kids.
09:13All girls.
09:16Well, you can't really guarantee.
09:18All girls.
09:19And I named the worst one Rachel.
09:23Fiona, Jeb's mountain thing.
09:25Did we dismiss that too early?
09:27David, whatever anyone says about us, we're solid, right?
09:31We have trust.
09:33We have loyalty.
09:34Of course.
09:36David, hi.
09:39Did you enjoy my pie?
09:41I was wondering if I could have my dish back.
09:49Okay, anyone listening in on that, please remember,
09:52he's a family man with a family business.
09:56Aaron, do you want to confess or access your bedroom?
09:59We need you to fetch some squash from the garage.
10:01Can it wait?
10:02I have a queue of troubled souls here.
10:04Samson's asking.
10:05Please don't tell him I hesitated.
10:06Hello, squash, my old friend.
10:07Abijah.
10:08If you could do us the kindness of taking a seat.
10:09Us?
10:10Yes.
10:11Us.
10:12Us.
10:13It was an innocent exchange of pie.
10:14There were no innocent intentions.
10:15It was an innocent exchange of pie.
10:16There were no innocent intentions.
10:17Ah.
10:18David, what are you doing?
10:19Shatterproof, David, Owen.
10:20I was in the kitchen.
10:21It was an innocent exchange of pie.
10:22There were no innocent intentions.
10:23Ah.
10:24David, what are you doing?
10:25Shatterproof, David Owen.
10:26It was an innocent exchange of pie
10:38There were no innocent intentions
10:40David, what are you doing?
10:45Shatterproof, David
10:46I always use shatterproof
10:47What in God's name is that?
10:53Well, that's Sharpie
10:53Could have been there for years
10:55Maud, that message is old, right?
10:57Not particularly
10:58So when did you write it?
11:02When I made the pie
11:03Okay, so who is the message for?
11:06The person I made the pie for
11:07David, could I ask you to leave?
11:11Yeah, I'd love to
11:12Tell me, Maud
11:18What business do you have?
11:21Making my husband pie
11:23Well, I noticed he wasn't getting any at home
11:27Sorry, I'll try that again
11:31Well, I think we got off on the wrong foot
11:33I felt like you were making improper advances to my husband
11:38But I'm sure I've misread
11:39No, Fiona
11:40I think you're a very astute woman
11:42I noticed you have a little business
11:46Selling trinkets online
11:48It's very cute
11:50What is it about your home that you're so desperate to break out of?
11:59They say men to find history, Fiona
12:01But when Caesar came home after a long day at the Curia Hostilia
12:07Who did he ask for fresh linens?
12:11His wife
12:12If the emperor answers to the woman who pours his bathwater
12:17Who really ruled the Julio-Claudian dynasty?
12:20There's nothing powerful about waiting on a man hand and foot
12:24So why were you worried about my pie?
12:28David is a very special man
12:30So pliant
12:33So malleable
12:34Oh, I'd make a great emperor
12:36Stay away from my husband
12:38You think your kitchen is a prison, Fiona?
12:43Well, I'm the prison warden
12:45And you're out past curfew
12:48Take your dish out of my kitchen, you redulterous pie-making bitch
12:56I'm sorry, do you have any kitchen roll?
13:01A child threw up in the creche and it's caused something of a chain reaction
13:05Josh, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry
13:11What I was saying was I'm sorry
13:15That
13:15Okay, I know somewhere we can talk
13:21It's not ideal, but it is an airing cupboard
13:24Look, I'm sorry you heard me earlier
13:30It's okay
13:31I do need to come to terms with you picking Jeb
13:33Having it screened up, you might speed that up
13:36Did you make a good impression?
13:38Well, my mum hates him, so that's a big plus
13:41Right
13:42Look, he said some dumb stuff
13:46But he's different
13:48I think he'll let me do what I want
13:50Let me work without me having to
13:52Leave the order
13:52I didn't say that
13:55What if I want those things for you too?
13:57With your dad over your shoulder
13:58There's more to me than my dad
14:00I should go
14:08Oh, sweet in it, sister
14:16Why did we lose the church, Abijah?
14:19You've got a big bag of spoons in here
14:21Abijah
14:21Samson couldn't sign the lease
14:25Couldn't or wouldn't?
14:26Before you answer that, Abijah
14:28So bright
14:30Samson disagreed with our freeholder
14:34What about
14:34I hope you can say
14:37What's the freeholder like?
14:40Smartly dressed
14:41Friendly
14:42Keep talking
14:43He was
14:45He was there with his husband
14:47Can I just say
14:50I tried to stand up to Samson
14:52I begged for him to sign that lease
14:54Would you stand up to him again?
14:56In front of everyone?
14:57This is the worst day of my life
15:01Thank you, Abijah
15:02You may go now
15:03See you
15:20Oh
15:28The driveway's cold and wet
15:31I'm disappointed but not surprised
15:34We should launch a no-confidence vote
15:36Aaron, let's not be rash
15:37Jesus said
15:39Turn, the other cheek
15:40He also flipped the tables in the temple
15:42There's a time for forgiveness
15:43And there's a time to send in the locusts
15:45Let me handle this
15:46Discreetly
15:47If that fails
15:48Then I'll source you a thousand locusts
15:51A thousand?
15:52That's nowhere near enough
15:53A thousand sounds like a lot
15:55So I'm almost 40 to 80 million
15:56Well, you've taught me something today
15:58Sorry, guys
16:00I think I left my keys in your
16:02Blacksite garage prison
16:03I'll see you in a bit
16:06Mum, I'm sorry for what I said before about you and Dad
16:16You'll be wanting your form, no doubt
16:19You signed it?
16:22Well, I realise no relationship is perfect
16:24One minute things are bearable
16:27And the next you're staring at a pie dish
16:28From a home-wrecking spider-woman
16:30Fiona, are you decent?
16:41I know you don't like me seeing you with your elbows uncovered
16:43Hello, David
16:47Maud
16:48You're on my wife's bed
16:51Yeah, so since it was hers
16:53Two single beds and nary a mark on the floor
16:58I'd wager it's been quite some time since you pushed these two together
17:01This needs to end
17:03What needs to end?
17:04You
17:04The pie
17:05Everything
17:06I ate that pie under false pretenses
17:09I thought it was a platonic pie
17:11But now I see your intentions were
17:13Impure
17:15But you did eat it, David
17:19And you enjoyed it
17:21That pie is still inside you now
17:26Feeding you
17:30Nourishing your bones
17:32Nourishing those huntsman's bones
17:36There was quite a lot of dairy in the mash
17:40Yeah, it's been going great
17:44Real physical sense of community
17:45Just a few question marks over why you didn't host it at your house
17:49My house is far too small for this
17:51Because the order account just got charged for 5,000 terracotta floor tiles
17:55Yes, those tiles are for my small house
17:58Now shut up and show me the ultimate
18:00Here we are
18:01The sacred zone
18:02At the interface where two wallpapers meet
18:04Remove the cat
18:05Oh, it's a godly cat
18:07Look at those clouds
18:08It has the devil's eyes
18:09You'll never see it again
18:10Right
18:14What are they doing here?
18:19Esteemed members of the order
18:20I bring good tidings
18:22The administrative error Samson claimed to be unresolvable
18:25Has now been resolved
18:27We have our church back!
18:30All that remains is for Samson to
18:33Sign on the dotted line
18:35As it were
18:36Now, does anyone have a pen?
18:38Absolutely, Andrew
18:39He needed a pen
18:41There's a mistake here
18:45It says the price has gone up by 10%
18:48No mistake
18:49We've booked a second honeymoon
18:51With a king-size bet
18:53Very important there's a king-size bet
18:55You'll fit right in with them
19:04In hell
19:06Aaron?
19:11I hereby call a no-confidence vote in the leadership of Chief Elder Samson
19:18Wow
19:20Okay, we're gonna go
19:23Nice to see you again
19:25Happy honeymoon
19:27Hope it's a nice bed
19:28You think you can take me on, little boy?
19:32You'd need an elder to vouch for that
19:34Any elders want to raise their hands?
19:38Badger, if you raise your hand, I will destroy you
19:42It's time so that my hands are below my beltline and I would not risk raising them any further
19:45Anyone?
19:50Anyone?
19:54Didn't think so
19:55Tattie bye then
19:57The vote will take place within two weeks
20:05Good luck
20:07Well, we didn't quite get an official service
20:10But all told, a good day I felt
20:13A 13-year-old launched a coup against me
20:15Yes, and I can't be blamed for that
20:17Hey, mate
20:18Crazy day, right?
20:22Yeah
20:23I saw you with Rachel earlier
20:25Yeah, we were just
20:28Yeah, I don't want to see you do that anymore
20:30You should pick me
20:31You guys are over
20:31Deal with it
20:32Everything's all right?
20:36Everything's great
20:36Um, next stages
20:39Can't wait
20:40Fiona, that woman has bad news
20:43But I told her, no more
20:44Thank you for hosting, David
20:46Lovely to see inside your bedroom
21:06You know, in the distance...
21:07I am sad...
21:09Just look forward to looking casa...
21:10Uh, more
21:13Oh, bye
21:13There's aboard fee
21:14It's a business
21:15Look out
21:16See you there
21:17Beloved
21:17You его
21:18And still look at
21:19Bitcoin
21:19You have to trust
21:21This one
21:22Pull out
21:22I saw него
21:23team
21:24He hit
21:24Han
21:25His
21:25Fell
21:26And still based
21:27Your
21:27You have to trust
21:27He got that
21:28様々
21:30He got that
21:31geez
21:32and
21:33How
21:34чтобы
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