- 10 hours ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Oh, Lamar, check you out.
00:08Stop drooling, Calvin.
00:09She's all mine.
00:11Okay.
00:11Who are you still there from?
00:14Calvin, please.
00:15She is not stolen.
00:18It's not, right?
00:20No.
00:21I've just come into some money.
00:23In fact, Dave, there's no easy way to say this,
00:25but your great-aunt Keisha has died.
00:28Oh, no.
00:29I know.
00:30It's a blow, so just let it out.
00:32Yeah, no, I'm trying to.
00:34I just...
00:35I've never heard of her before.
00:37Hey, Lamar.
00:39Ooh, new car?
00:41It's stolen, isn't it?
00:42Are you a pugitive?
00:43Are we accessories?
00:45No, it is not stolen, but...
00:48I do have some bad news.
00:51My great-aunt Keisha has passed away.
00:54Oh, no.
00:57Is her body in the trunk?
00:58No, her body is not in the trunk.
01:02Her body is not in the trunk.
01:04No.
01:06As I was explaining,
01:08she left me a handsome sum of money.
01:10I know you two have been stressed
01:12about how to pay for Grover's school,
01:14so I opened up
01:16an education savings account
01:18for the lab.
01:19Oh, my God, Lamar,
01:21this is so sweet.
01:24I think it's real.
01:28Dad, I'm touched.
01:29This is very generous.
01:30Look at you,
01:31giving away all your money.
01:33Well, I'm not giving it all away.
01:35I'm allowing myself to live a little.
01:37I now own a Roku.
01:40And I'm gonna drive
01:41my beautiful Pontiac to Nevada
01:43to do some gambling.
01:44You know, as a little kid,
01:45I used to hang out at the Elks Lodge
01:47and watch my dad play poker.
01:49Yep.
01:50He always wanted to watch,
01:51but his little facial expressions
01:53always gave my hand away.
01:55Whatever the opposite of a poker face is,
01:58it's that.
01:59I'm sorry that I have an expressive face,
02:02but it worked out for me.
02:03You know, my dad would always give me 20 bucks
02:05to go buy ice cream.
02:08Calvin, let's go with him.
02:11You know what?
02:12Sure.
02:12Why not?
02:13You leave your face here,
02:15I'm gonna put on my lucky pants.
02:17But so you know,
02:18Sagebrush, Nevada
02:19isn't exactly Vegas.
02:21Ha!
02:22Doesn't matter to me.
02:23Craps is craps.
02:25I hadn't gambled since that time
02:26I went to an Indian casino
02:27to see Shaba Ranks.
02:29Mr. Loverman!
02:30Ha! Shaba!
02:33Welcome to the block,
02:34welcome to the neighborhood,
02:35welcome to the neighborhood.
02:41You know, the more I think about it,
02:43the more I realize
02:44it is for the best
02:45Courtney and I didn't sleep together.
02:47Are you sure?
02:48I mean, come on.
02:49Can you imagine
02:50how that would have complicated things?
02:51Things are already complicated enough.
02:54No, thank you.
02:56Okay, well, good for you, Marty.
02:58That is very mature.
02:59Yeah.
02:59I wanted it to happen
03:01so bad!
03:06Hey, guys.
03:06Hey, Courtney.
03:07Uh, I have to run.
03:09I will let you two finish.
03:13Or start.
03:16Talking, please.
03:17Okay.
03:21So, last night was crazy
03:24when I couldn't find a condom.
03:26And then Daphne started crying.
03:28Yeah, and then we didn't...
03:29Yeah, no, I know what we didn't say.
03:30Yeah.
03:32Yeah.
03:33Well, you know,
03:33I guess it wasn't meant to happen.
03:36Yeah, I guess not.
03:40Although,
03:41it could still happen.
03:42I mean, sure.
03:48Yeah, perhaps.
03:49Uh, my dad is going gambling tonight,
03:52and my mom could babysit.
03:54Malcolm's coaching a game,
03:55and baseball games are, like,
03:57like, six hours.
04:00I'm gonna need to hydrate.
04:01Oh, no, no.
04:02We won't need all that time.
04:05Well, we'll definitely use some of it.
04:07Like, plenty of it.
04:08Like, but not too much of it.
04:10Just, like, a good of...
04:11I'm like, you will be satisfied.
04:17Here we go, fellas.
04:19You know what?
04:19I got $500 burning a hole in my lucky pants.
04:24Let's do this.
04:25No offense, fellas,
04:27but I like to gamble on my own.
04:29I don't like distractions
04:30or people looking at my cards going...
04:34Ooh!
04:36Ooh!
04:37Dad, I was seven,
04:38and I thought the whole point of this trip
04:40was for us to hang out together, right?
04:41Calvin?
04:42Calvin?
04:46There you go, son.
04:47Get yourself some ice cream.
04:50Okay, well, thanks, Dad.
04:52But, you know,
04:52I was really hoping
04:53that we could hang out a little,
04:55spend some time...
04:58Dad?
05:03Yeah, that's right.
05:04All right, Calvin.
05:05I guess it's just you and me.
05:07Let's get crappy.
05:09Look, if you're gonna be at this table,
05:11you can't disturb my mojo.
05:13Everything has to be perfect.
05:15Now, I roll with my right hand,
05:17so you gotta stand on my left.
05:21Don't put your hands on the table.
05:23Don't put them up like it's a stick-up.
05:25Look, and never say the word seven.
05:29Why shouldn't I say seven?
05:31Seven out?
05:32Yes.
05:34That's why, Dave.
05:36Is that bad?
05:37Yes, that's bad!
05:38All right, an hour and a half
05:42to get the baby dressed,
05:43and we're off to the food truck festival.
05:46Ooh!
05:48Dang!
05:49It's pouring.
05:51You wanna grab an umbrella?
05:52Go out and all of that?
05:54I just got a silk press.
05:56Oh, okay.
05:57Well, if you...
05:58Yeah, I don't know what that is.
06:02$125 is what it is.
06:04Okay.
06:05Ooh, we could watch TV.
06:06There's a new TV show
06:07about a woman who's raising
06:08a hundred crocodiles as her children.
06:13I am not exposing my grandbaby
06:15to some weird-ass white lady.
06:18Uh, why do you assume that she's...
06:21Okay, yeah, she is.
06:25All right, here we go.
06:28Grandbaby needs some new shoes.
06:30Let's go.
06:32Three crabs.
06:34Oh, man, why would you blow all my dice?
06:36I was trying to double your luck.
06:38This chicken blow cancels the first blow.
06:40That's just science, Dave.
06:43That's it for me.
06:45Five hundred.
06:45Just gone.
06:47Why don't you hit up an ATM?
06:48They're everywhere.
06:49I even saw one in the bathroom.
06:50I can't.
06:51Man, five hundred's my limit.
06:53I wonder if your dad has blown through all his money yet.
06:55I am rich!
06:57Five thousand, big one.
07:01Okay, good for you.
07:03Wish he had taken your son with you.
07:05You know, Calvin and I are rich in camaraderie.
07:09So, you lost.
07:10All of it.
07:12Dave double blew on my dice.
07:14Oh.
07:16Guys, please, we can all still be winners, all right?
07:20You know, the buffet has bottomless imitation crab legs.
07:24I'm about casinoed out.
07:26Let's hit the roof.
07:27But, Dad, we didn't even get a chance to hang.
07:29Yes, but I have a strict rule.
07:30Quit while you're ahead.
07:32Why don't we get a bite on the way out at the Hard Luck Saloon.
07:37Their billboard reads, oldest strippers in town.
07:39Why would they advertise that?
07:44You know, everybody has their thing, man.
07:47Yeah.
07:48I'm going to cash out and pull the car around and meet you out front.
07:51All right.
07:52Oh.
07:53Oh.
07:54My shoes are tied.
07:56Hey, that's a lucky sign.
07:58That means I'm about to go on a winning streak.
08:00You got any cash?
08:01Well, only the hundred my dad gave me.
08:03Oh, give it to me.
08:04This is my ice cream money.
08:07Dave, trust me.
08:08By the time I'm done, you'll be Ben and I'll be Jerry.
08:13Okay, but Calvin, please tie your shoe, all right?
08:16You're going to trip.
08:16No, no, no, no.
08:17This is good luck.
08:18No, I...
08:19Good luck!
08:22I'm good!
08:28All right, come on, baby.
08:30Show me some love.
08:32Par six!
08:32Yeah!
08:33Looks like someone owes my lucky face an apology.
08:37Yeah, all right.
08:38Come on, now.
08:39Let's keep this train rolling.
08:42Bitch, give me some luck.
08:45Yeah, uh, me too.
08:48Oh, no.
08:49So unfair.
08:51All right, nice.
08:52Let's go.
08:53Point is nine.
08:54All right, here we go.
08:55That's a good point.
08:56I'll be killing that all right.
08:57Yeah, yeah.
08:57Uh, fellas, you might want to give me some elbow room.
08:59I am on a hot streak.
09:02Sir, we're going to need you to step away from the table.
09:09Hey, guys, uh, what's going on here?
09:11They're just trying to ice a well.
09:13That's what's going on.
09:15Tell you what, you're going to have to drag me away from here.
09:19Y'all really doing it?
09:21Okay, guys?
09:21Nine winners!
09:23That's my money!
09:24That's my money!
09:25What?
09:36It's torrential out there.
09:39Yes, but it is nice and dry in here, and guess what I got?
09:43Ew.
09:47Is that all for tonight?
09:48No, no, no, no, no.
09:49It's just, uh, it's either a three-pack or a 12,
09:51and this is a better buy.
09:53Why am I talking about this?
09:55How about I light a candle?
09:58Yeah, great, but please, just do it.
10:00Don't ask first.
10:01Right.
10:08This is nice.
10:10Yes.
10:13Woo!
10:14Man, it is coming down out there.
10:17Oh, my gosh.
10:19Of course, we are up by seven runs, and the sky's open up.
10:22Yo, why you got the lights off in here?
10:23What is...
10:24Courtney's here.
10:29You know what?
10:29It's a lovely night outside.
10:31I think I'm gonna just go for a walk.
10:32Okay.
10:33Okay.
10:33Okay.
10:33I got it.
10:34I got it.
10:35I got it.
10:35Okay.
10:36I got it.
10:36I got it.
10:37Congratulations, y'all.
10:46Calvin, what is going on here?
10:48Are we in some kind of trouble?
10:49No, Dave.
10:50This is classic player hatin'.
10:53All right?
10:54Trust me.
10:54Hello.
10:56Special Agent Ryder.
11:01Treasury Department.
11:02I'm sorry to inconvenience you gentlemen, but we have reason to believe you've been involved
11:16in a crime.
11:17Come on, this is crazy.
11:19Since when is winning a crime, brother?
11:22This is an outrage.
11:25We know our rights, sir.
11:26Calm down.
11:27He's not under arrest.
11:28So, we're free to leave.
11:36No.
11:41Look, Daphne, a little boat.
11:44Whoa, whoa, whoa.
11:45What are you doing?
11:46I'm doing the little dock here with all the boats.
11:48That's not how you do a puzzle.
11:50You start with the border first.
11:52That's not how I do them.
11:54Well, you do puzzles wrong.
11:58Hey, Mama.
12:00Hey, baby.
12:01What are you doing out there in all that rain?
12:03Oh, uh, you know, I was hungry and I was going to make a sandwich, but, uh, our baloney expired.
12:09Oh.
12:10Y'all are nasty.
12:11Yeah.
12:13Ooh, Jimmy, you do puzzles wrong.
12:15You got to do the borders first.
12:18See?
12:19I tried to tell her.
12:20I didn't even want to do a dumb puzzle.
12:22I wanted to watch Croc Mama.
12:24Wait a minute.
12:25The show where that lady puts her little shirts and pants on the crocodiles?
12:27He is.
12:29Did you see the one where she got kicked out of the Starbucks?
12:31Yes.
12:34Mama, I'm setting my baby with all y'all nonsense.
12:38Well, sorry, Mama.
12:40I am so...
12:41I'm going to go get a pair of pop socks.
12:43Oh, what happened?
12:44Your daddy forgot your favorite little piggy?
12:46Well, don't you worry.
12:47I'm going to wrap my hair and run right over to your daddy's house.
12:50No, no, no, no, no.
12:52No, I will go get that little piggy because, you know, I'm already wet.
12:57So just stay right here.
13:01Okay.
13:04I've been on this case for months.
13:08You've been laundering notes at casinos up and down the Nevada border since October.
13:12And when a whole lot of 35-year-old mint-conditioned hundreds start popping up, that's a red flag.
13:20I don't care what color they are.
13:22He's not my flag.
13:24You're smart, Mr. Buck.
13:25We're thinking of calling you the Green Goblin.
13:27That's a cool nickname.
13:31Look, I'm telling you, you got the wrong guy.
13:34I'm no Green Goblin.
13:35Oh, you're telling me this isn't you?
13:39No.
13:40Looks like the Hamburglar.
13:44Yeah.
13:45The security cameras in these old dumps are terrible.
13:48I don't know why anybody stays here.
13:50It's depressing.
13:51There's a place up the road that advertises old strippers.
13:54I've got to admit, I'm curious.
14:00Why are you keeping us here?
14:02You got sloppy today.
14:03When you pass a $100 bill from 1988 that matches all the other hundreds you've been passing,
14:09you shouldn't hang around to enjoy.
14:14My dad has the Green Goblin.
14:16I'm the son of the Green Goblin.
14:19Guys, is there something you want to say?
14:22Objection!
14:24Sir, I am the attorney for Mr. Butler and Mr. Johnson,
14:29and I demand to have a word with my clients in private.
14:35All right, Mr. Watanabe.
14:39I'll go get some imitation crab legs.
14:41What the hell did you do?
14:46Us?
14:47We got arrested for whatever the hell you did.
14:49I was so clear.
14:51Meet me at the car.
14:52But no.
14:53Luckily, an eagle-eyed prostitute who took a shine to me
14:56saw you get escorted back here.
14:59Dad, what is going on?
15:02All right.
15:05The year was 1989.
15:09The Berlin Wall had just fallen.
15:11America was smitten with a young Bart Simpson.
15:14Oh, ay, caramba!
15:15And I was burying a lockbox full of cash
15:19behind a mattress factory in Battle Creek, Michigan.
15:23So none of that money came from Keisha?
15:26Who?
15:27My dead aunt!
15:29I made her up.
15:30Oh, man.
15:31Sorry about the emotional rollercoaster.
15:33I think I get it.
15:36You've been going around to casinos,
15:39buying chips with the dirty bills,
15:41then cashing them back to get clean bills.
15:44Yes.
15:45Then, and this is the key point,
15:47I leave.
15:49And here's another key point.
15:51You didn't tell us what the hell you were doing.
15:54There's plenty of blame to go around.
15:56Oh, no.
15:57You're the only one...
15:58We did nothing wrong!
15:59Okay.
16:01True that.
16:02I-I can't even look at you.
16:07Aw, damn it!
16:08I can still see you!
16:11I get it.
16:11The good news is
16:12they can't pin anything on Calvin.
16:15You just need to keep your mouth shut.
16:17You're looking at a short stay
16:18in a pretrial detention center.
16:21The food is not bad.
16:22And then you're out in a flash.
16:24Cool?
16:25No!
16:25Not cool!
16:27That was worth a shot.
16:28Dad, what are you going to do?
16:33What I have to do.
16:41Uh, bill.
16:44Get the bill.
16:44Sir, I have some confessions to make.
16:50Yes.
16:51Finally.
16:52It was me.
16:53I am the one that passed the bills.
16:54Yes, but what he is trying to say
16:56is that he is the Green Goblin.
16:59That is a cool name!
17:00Right?
17:00No!
17:13Do you have an old rust bucket
17:15leaving oil stains in your driveway?
17:17We'll give you cash for that clunker.
17:19Cash!
17:19Cash!
17:20Cash!
17:21Really?
17:22You don't have the ad free?
17:24All my money's tied up in baby!
17:27It's fine, okay?
17:29We don't need music.
17:30Okay.
17:33Hey!
17:34It's me!
17:35Your big brother Malcolm!
17:37I am entering the house!
17:40Okay?
17:40Are you okay?
17:41Oh my God!
17:43Yeah, man, I'm just, uh,
17:45I'm just here for the piggy.
17:46You know what?
17:47I'm just going to take all these over.
17:49Hey, hey, please, go.
17:51Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
17:53Wait, what?
17:54Me?
17:5712?
17:58Come on, brother, nothing.
17:59No, no, no, no.
18:00No, no, no, no.
18:00Get down!
18:01Get down!
18:01Get down!
18:01Here, break my chest, break my chest.
18:04Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, okay.
18:11Okay.
18:13Picking up where we were.
18:16I'm still into it if you're s...
18:20This isn't happening, is it?
18:23Oh, Marty.
18:24Last night, we had a moment.
18:26And the moment's gone.
18:28Tonight's just too premeditated.
18:32Yeah.
18:33I mean, I guess I shouldn't have put that eggplant emoji in our shared calendar.
18:38You know, if this were meant to be, after all this time, we would have been together.
18:44Yeah.
18:45We're just two overwhelmed, horny people.
18:48Yeah.
18:49Parenting one adorable little girl.
18:51And that's all.
18:53So, um, I'm gonna pick up Daphne tomorrow.
18:56I'll see you then.
18:57Okay.
19:09What? Wait.
19:10Bedroom?
19:11Why are you still talking?
19:12I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.
19:13Okay.
19:14Wait, wait, wait.
19:17I got it.
19:18Okay.
19:19Can I please have a word with my dad?
19:24You got 60 seconds.
19:30Dad, I don't even know what to say.
19:32You don't have to.
19:33I know.
19:34I let you down.
19:35Again.
19:37But I need you to understand.
19:39I was happy to leave that cash in the ground.
19:41But when I found out my grandson needed money for his education, I just knew there was never gonna be a better use for it.
19:49Well, I guess committing a crime for your grandson may be the sweetest thing you've ever done.
20:02So, see you at my arraignment?
20:05I'll be there.
20:07Oh.
20:08Um.
20:09All right.
20:10That's time.
20:11You're free to go.
20:12But in the future, pick better friends.
20:13Hey, hey, listen.
20:14I didn't have anything to do with this.
20:15All right?
20:16I just lived next door to the guy.
20:17We're not even close.
20:18Of all of the lies that I've heard today, the one that stung the most, we're not close.
20:25We are gonna talk about this on the drive home.
20:29Oh, the drive home?
20:30We don't have any car keys.
20:31Dad!
20:32Wait!
20:33We're not close.
20:34We are gonna talk about this on the drive home.
20:37Oh, the drive home?
20:38We don't have any car keys.
20:41Dad!
20:42Wait!
20:43No, no, no, no, no, no.
20:45We don't have any car keys.
20:47Dad, wait!
20:48Green Goblin!
20:49Green Goblin!
20:50Hold up!
21:15Green Goblin!
21:17Green Goblin!
21:18Green Goblin!
21:19Green Goblin!
21:20Green Goblin!
21:21Green Goblin!
21:22Green Goblin!
21:23Green Goblin!
21:24Green Goblin!
21:25Green Goblin!
21:26Green Goblin!
21:27Green Goblin!
21:28Green Goblin!
21:29Green Goblin!
21:30Green Goblin!
21:31Green Goblin!
21:32Green Goblin!
21:33Green Goblin!
21:34Green Goblin!
21:35Green Goblin!
21:36Green Goblin!
21:37Green Goblin!
21:38Green Goblin!
21:39Green Goblin!
21:40Green Goblin!
21:41Green Goblin!
21:42Green Goblin!
21:43Green Goblin!
21:44Green Goblin!
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