- 1 day ago
McHale and the crew find 4 million dollars, initially thinking it's counterfeit, then discover it's real, stolen from a bank in the Philippines.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Look like pigeons softened up for kill.
00:20Okay, law show over.
00:23Now we get down to business, eh?
00:26Got fine type merchandise to sell.
00:28We got a Bortos bracelet, we got witch doctor mask, we got a shark tooth necklace, you look, eh?
00:39Just like I thought, full of cavities.
00:43Yeah, shark tooth will look pretty, not for bite.
00:47Tell you what, Arulu, we'll give you, say, one genuine signal flag, a peace form, your choice of colors.
00:55No deal, this month's price go up. Two signal flag and three oil drum.
01:00What? Look here, that's highway robbery.
01:03That's what we call inflation.
01:06You know pay? Get your own shark.
01:10I think we got one right here.
01:12No, wait a minute, chief, we're taking all the risks.
01:14That's how coconut crumbled.
01:15Well, you meet Arulu's price, or Arulu sell to convoy wholesale and cut out middleman.
01:30Hey, Chuck!
01:32All right, come on over here, you blasted businessmen.
01:34Hit the dick, we're shoving off.
01:35What's up? What's up?
01:36We just got a message from main side.
01:38They said there's an enemy transport plane down.
01:40We got to go over and survey the wreckage.
01:42Chuck!
01:43Doug, come on, boy, get the lid out.
01:45Let's go.
01:47I'm coming, Skip.
01:48Boy, I'm telling you.
01:52Howdy.
01:53Hey, you guys.
01:54Hey, I've got to...
01:55Hey, follow that boat.
01:57We're going the wrong way.
01:58Hey, we're going the wrong way.
02:28All right, take five, boys.
02:53Oh, boy.
02:56That wreck can't be much farther back in his junk.
02:58There we go.
03:13Hey, Skip.
03:14Huh?
03:14Ten dollar bill.
03:15You must have dropped this.
03:16You're kidding.
03:18I haven't seen a saw buck since payday.
03:22That's funny.
03:24I smell money.
03:26Hey, I feel money.
03:29That's a tent spot.
03:30All right, let's go back to sleep.
03:34Hey.
03:35It's raining money.
03:37This is my kind of rain.
03:39Oh, my gosh.
03:40Guys, we found it over there.
03:41It's in the plane, and it's loaded with money.
03:43Hey, look at all this money.
03:56There's millions here.
03:58Oh, thank you.
04:00Now I can do what I've always wanted.
04:01Buy the Brooklyn Dodgers.
04:03Buy all of Brooklyn.
04:05Let's submit to the Woodland Island for a broken room.
04:07I can see it all now.
04:09Milk baths every morning.
04:11Champagne.
04:12Capcom.
04:13Hey, they're going away.
04:14Relax.
04:15They're only 20.
04:16My mother always told me if I eat all my vegetables, I'd grow up to be rich.
04:19Hey, Skip.
04:20Skip.
04:20Where may it be?
04:21And after the war's over, it's off like a free for the outing season.
04:25And then on to Alcatraz for the rock pile season.
04:29Look, you guys.
04:30Nobody's going anywhere with this dough.
04:32We're going to turn it over to Binghamton.
04:33Hey, me.
04:34Get the money.
04:35Skip.
04:36Find this keepers.
04:37The old spoils of war.
04:39And with all this, we're set for life.
04:41And that's just about what you'll get.
04:43Life.
04:43We must have had a dozen directors from Comfleet warning us to be on the lookout for phony dough.
04:48It's real, Skip.
04:49It's real, Skip.
04:51This can't be phony.
04:52My fingers never lie.
04:54Well, it's between your fingers and naval intelligence.
04:57Because according to them, the nips printed millions of this junk at the start of the war.
05:01How do you like that?
05:02We just went from millionaires to bums.
05:04And I ate all that succotash for nothing.
05:07Okay, you dreamers.
05:08Let's get all this stuff aboard.
05:10We're going to take it back to Binghamton.
05:12Yeah, I'll take a longer sample.
05:13And when he sees it, he can tell us when to burn it.
05:16Burn it!
05:16Let's go.
05:17Come on.
05:18Come on.
05:18Oh, boy.
05:18It's things like this that make a guy want to throw the war.
05:21Admiral's checking the serial numbers.
05:28He'll have an answer right away.
05:29Yes, sir.
05:31Oh, yes.
05:31I have the total amount right at my fingertips, Admiral.
05:34What does the total amount speak of?
05:36Oh, four million dollars.
05:37Give or take a hundred thou.
05:38Four million dollars, Admiral.
05:45Yes, sir.
05:46Yes, it is.
05:46It's quite a tidy sum, sir.
05:48Yeah.
05:49Sir, I'm going to just start the bonfire just as soon as you say that it's...
05:53What's that, sir?
05:56You say it's real?
05:58You say the money is genuine?
05:59It was stolen from the Bank of Manila during the invasion?
06:02Uh, yes, sir.
06:04I know it's my responsibility.
06:06Yes, sir.
06:06I'll put a guard on it around the clock until you send a man to get the money, sir.
06:10Yes, sir.
06:11Over and out.
06:12Yes, sir.
06:13You hear that, McHale?
06:14The money's real.
06:15The money's genuine.
06:15We've got a fortune on our hands.
06:17Where's McHale?
06:17What happened to McHale?
06:19I don't know, sir.
06:20He just seems to have vanished into thin air.
06:22Vanished into thin air.
06:23I'd let some thin air into that thick scull of yours.
06:25Get my gig.
06:26Get the shore patrol.
06:27We've got to get over to McHale's Island before this money vanishes with him.
06:32Put that on me as I go.
06:36I'll bet $20,000.
06:39I'll tell you what.
06:41I'll see you're $20,000 and I'll raise you $50,000.
06:45How about you, Mr. Parker?
06:47Well, uh, I bet a nickel.
06:50Hey, it's trinket time.
06:52Here comes the Rulu.
06:59Let's play it cool.
07:00Let's not look and act too anxious.
07:02Otherwise, that crook will harp up the prices.
07:05Fondo, fondo.
07:06Uh, bewitching the men of the Rulu as soon as we finish this hand.
07:16You take time, O'Rulu, like the gibberts.
07:19Now, let's see.
07:20I'll, uh, I'll see your quarter of a million and raise you a quarter of a million more.
07:25I'm out.
07:26I'll call that.
07:28I'm out.
07:29Well, uh, I'll stay.
07:33Well, there you are, chaps.
07:34Read them and weep.
07:35Three jacks.
07:36Not this time, Groob.
07:38Three ladies.
07:39Well, I guess that beats me.
07:41All I've got is two pair of fives.
07:43I told you guys I never win.
07:44What a schnook.
07:49Sure like to get him on slow canoe to Samoa.
07:54Well, now that game over, let's trade for trinkets.
07:57Sorry, Arulu.
07:59Not interested.
08:02Arulu?
08:03You're in luck.
08:05How would you like us to pay for those trinkets in cash?
08:07American wampum.
08:09Genuine U.S. money.
08:11No place to spend money on island.
08:13So what?
08:15Look at these pictures.
08:16Lincoln.
08:17Jefferson.
08:18Grant.
08:19All heap big American chiefs.
08:23You'd be the only one on the island with his own private art collection.
08:28Not bad idea.
08:32Okay.
08:32You got deal.
08:34The four million is yours.
08:36And I'll say one thing.
08:37You sure drive a hard bargain.
08:39Not come Top Cat acting like scared mouse.
08:47There you are.
08:51It's all yours.
08:52And don't forget to bring back the blanket.
08:54Come back anytime.
09:01It no fun when it's this easy.
09:06Hey, you guys.
09:08Hey, Skip.
09:08Go, go, go, go.
09:09Go, go, go.
09:10Go, go, go, go, go.
09:10Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
09:11All right, all right, all right.
09:12Cut the chatter.
09:12Cut the chatter.
09:13Now, where's all the money?
09:14We saved you the trouble, Skip.
09:15You don't have to shishkebab the cash.
09:16We got rid of it.
09:17What do you mean you got rid of it?
09:20Talk, come on.
09:22Where's all that garbage?
09:23Don't get excited, Skip.
09:24We dumped it on a Rulu.
09:25Made a terrific trade.
09:27Oh, no.
09:30You miserable eight ball.
09:31You mean to tell me to win my back was turned?
09:33You swat four million dollars in coal cash?
09:36That thief for Rulu?
09:37You guys had no business disposing that money,
09:39even though it was counterfeit.
09:40That's just that it isn't counterfeit.
09:42This is real, 100% Yankee greenbacks.
09:46All four million dollars of it.
09:48Well, that's not so bad if it's real.
09:50Real?
09:51Stop it.
09:52All right, all right.
09:53Listen to me.
09:53Listen to me.
09:54I'll give you the whole poop.
09:55Look, I was wrong.
09:57The Nips didn't print it.
09:58They captured it in the Philippines.
10:00Confident is even sending down an escort for it.
10:03So long, guys.
10:04I got to see a man about some spice.
10:06Oh, no.
10:07Shoot me, Skip.
10:08I deserve it.
10:08Yeah, I know.
10:10Hey, heads up, you guys.
10:11Here comes old Leadbottom.
10:13Holy hell.
10:14We're going to do some spice.
10:16Hold it, hold it.
10:17Fuji.
10:18I know.
10:18Head for the boondocks.
10:19Right.
10:20I wish you guys grabbed those crates
10:22that the money came in,
10:23stuffed them full of banana leaves,
10:24anything to make them feel loaded.
10:26Well, come on.
10:27Get going, will you?
10:28Charlie, you stay here with me.
10:29Help me stall Binghamton.
10:33Ah, hello, Captain.
10:35All right, Mikhail.
10:36Where is it?
10:37Where, where, where?
10:38Where's Watson?
10:39We haven't seen any money.
10:41No.
10:41Oh, you're, oh, you're referring to money
10:45that we found, sir.
10:46Oh, well, you don't have to worry about that, sir.
10:48My men would be glad to stand a 24-hour watch on it, sir.
10:52I'll please fix it up.
10:54Oh, would you do that?
10:55Yes, sir.
10:56Do I look like the kind of a man
10:58that would give the rats the key to the cheese factory?
11:00Oh, shut up.
11:02You've got just three seconds to hand that money over.
11:04Carpenter, synchronize our watches.
11:06Yes, sir.
11:07Oh, sir, my second hand isn't working.
11:11Oh, never mind.
11:12Come on, here.
11:12Well, mine, sir, is a little slow.
11:14Keep out of this.
11:15Your three seconds are up.
11:16Oh, well, all right, Captain.
11:18It hurts my feelings that you don't trust us, but, uh...
11:22Well, okay, guys.
11:24Bring in the loot.
11:25That's it.
11:35Sit right down here, fellas.
11:36Here we are.
11:37Yes, sir.
11:38There we are, sir.
11:40Okay.
11:41Here you are, Captain Binghamton, sir.
11:42Four million dollars.
11:43Corner of the realm.
11:44If you'll just sign a receipt right here...
11:45A receipt for what?
11:46So far, all I've seen are three boxes.
11:49You're perfectly right, sir.
11:50No use in buying a pig and a poke.
11:52Tink, open it up.
11:54Ready, ain't it?
12:01Captain Binghamton, do you mind we hold out a couple of these souvenirs?
12:04Fuck that back in the box.
12:05Close that up, Carpenter.
12:06See that that stays closed.
12:08In case they get any more wild ideas.
12:10All right, you men, get these crates in the gig.
12:12They try and jump your chute to kill.
12:13Stand back with the money.
12:15Stand away from the money.
12:16Away, away, away.
12:17We still need your autograph, sir.
12:18All right, all right.
12:21That's it, sir.
12:23Well, so long, Captain.
12:25It's been a pleasure coming around any time soon.
12:28You know, McHale, it's too bad your cupboard wasn't bare.
12:32Your cart marshal would have been worth four million dollars.
12:34Like I've always said, sir, you're all high.
12:37Yes.
12:38Bye-bye, sir.
12:39Bye.
12:40Bye.
12:41Boy, that was close.
12:46When Tinker opened that crate, I almost fainted.
12:48You almost fainted.
12:49That was my last hundred bucks on the top of that.
12:51Yeah, well, I got news for you, Mr. Wheeler dealer.
12:54You can consider it as a down payment on our cell at Alcatraz.
12:56If we don't get that four million bucks back from Orulu and fast.
13:00Come on, boy.
13:01All right, let's go.
13:12Oh, get a load of this place.
13:17Get a load.
13:18Hi, Chief.
13:18I never knew Fort Knox had a jungle branch.
13:25Man, I love this decor.
13:27Or the early Rockefeller.
13:31Welcome to new art gallery.
13:33Why you bring back all that souvenir junk?
13:36Well, Chief Orulu, the moment I heard about this outrageous swindle,
13:40I rushed right over here, sir.
13:42Because all this money that the mine men gave you is absolutely worthless, sir.
13:47It's counterfeit.
13:48Yes, sir.
13:49And I dragged this dishonest crook here to apologize to you personally, sir.
13:55Forgive me, almighty warrior.
13:56I knew not what I did.
13:58It was in a moment of blind madness I took advantage of you.
14:02I am lower than a rat, sire.
14:05Off your knees, knave.
14:06And return all those valuable trinkets that you stole from this good man.
14:14Oh, yes, great skipper.
14:17I shall return them and give back this worthless paper that I...
14:21Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye.
14:27Oh, Orulu, what's he doing?
14:29Earthquake God in lousy mood.
14:32Witch doctor makes sacrifice.
14:34You want me to go get him a fatted calf?
14:36But, uh, I know the earthquake God deserves nothing but the best,
14:40but, uh, here, wouldn't some of these trinkets burn just as well?
14:44I'm sick and tired of trinkets.
14:53It's no good, Chief.
14:54He won't give it up.
14:55I know, but we gotta think of something.
14:58There's only one way out.
14:59He loves to gamble.
15:01How about a game of poker?
15:02The trinkets for the money.
15:03Poker for four million dollars?
15:05Yeah, that's an awful lot of loot to take chances with, Groob.
15:08What chances?
15:09I'll give him the old double shuffle, and it'll be all over.
15:13Oh.
15:13Uh, uh, Rulu, uh, seeing as how you won't, uh, give us back the money,
15:21and, uh, I will not allow my men to keep the trinkets,
15:24why don't we have a contest?
15:26Winner take all.
15:27Draw poker?
15:30Poker?
15:31No, not a bad idea.
15:32Earthquake God wants piece of action, too.
15:42Okay, we'll play tomorrow.
15:44Oh, good.
15:45I'll have Groob over bright and early.
15:46Groob?
15:47I want to play him.
15:49Yeah, odds a lot better that way.
15:52But I'm a terrible poker player.
15:54Oh, you're telling me.
15:55I play him, or game off.
15:57Oh, Skip, I never win.
16:01And for four million bucks, oh, boy.
16:03Oh, boy is right.
16:06Well, I guess I lose again.
16:07My highest card's an eight.
16:09Oh, this practice sure isn't helping.
16:11Boy, a ruler's gonna skin him alive.
16:13Goodbye, four million bucks.
16:14You know, Chuck, you've been here for two hours now,
16:16and the best you could come up with is a pair of threes.
16:18Well, I'm sorry, Skip.
16:19I guess I'm just a born loser.
16:20Look, Mr. Parker, if you think like a loser,
16:23you get losing cards.
16:24What you gotta do is think like a winner.
16:26You know, Groob's right, Chuck.
16:27All you need is a little self-confidence,
16:29and the cards will come your way.
16:31Ain't that right, Groob?
16:34Yeah, yeah, yeah, Skip.
16:36It works every time.
16:37Should we try it, Mr. Parker?
16:38Yeah, yeah.
16:41Think like a winner.
16:43Think like a winner.
16:45Think like a winner.
16:46Think like a winner.
16:47Think like a winner.
16:48Okay, open your eyes.
16:50Huh?
16:50Oh, yeah.
16:56Hey, it works.
16:57Look what I got.
16:58Yeah.
16:59Skipper, condition rare.
17:00Binghamton's coming to shore,
17:01and he's got a squad of S.P.'s with him.
17:02Oh, what a time to come.
17:044G.
17:05I know.
17:05Get the lost.
17:06Yeah, and the rest of you guys,
17:07keep your mouth shut and your fingers crossed.
17:09Now, let's go.
17:10But you guys, wait a minute.
17:12I won.
17:12Look what I got.
17:13Hey.
17:15Hey.
17:15Hey.
17:15All right.
17:19Where's Billy the Kid?
17:20Where's the male maw, Parker?
17:22Oh, well, hello, sir.
17:24It's really a surprise.
17:25It seems to be a day for surprises, McHale.
17:28Like the one I got when I opened those crates
17:30who was supposed to have the money in them.
17:32Well, I know what you're thinking, but...
17:34No, you don't know what I'm thinking.
17:36I don't even care what you did with the cash.
17:38I'm happy to hear me.
17:39I'm happy.
17:40I'm so happy I could kiss all of you.
17:42Well, if you don't mind,
17:42I'll settle for bread and water, sir.
17:44Oh, knock it off.
17:45We're going to have a nice little package here
17:47all ready for the gallows
17:48when Admiral Druton shows up to get the money.
17:51All right, you men, arrest these thieves.
17:53Arrest them all.
17:54No, no, no.
17:54Wait a minute.
17:54Hold it.
17:55Hold it.
17:55Hold it.
17:55Just a minute.
17:56Now, hold it.
17:58Okay, Captain.
17:59But in that case,
18:00you better figure on occupying the cell
18:02right next to ours, sir.
18:03Why would you say a thing like that to me, McHale?
18:05Why?
18:05Why?
18:06Why?
18:06Well, we're going to have to tell the truth, right?
18:09You took the money, didn't you, sir?
18:12You signed a receipt, remember?
18:13That's right, Skipper.
18:15In triplicate.
18:16Signed, Wallace B. Binghamton.
18:19Oh, that stupid receipt.
18:21I could just scream.
18:24All right, McHale, where's the money?
18:25Where is it?
18:25Where, where, where?
18:26Well, uh, we know where it is, sir,
18:28and, uh, we could get it back in time
18:31before Admiral Druton comes back here,
18:32but, uh, you seem all so headable
18:34about putting us in jail.
18:35Who said anything about putting you in jail?
18:38Where do you get those?
18:38You men!
18:39You fools!
18:40Get away from them!
18:40What's the matter with you?
18:41I have to think of everything.
18:42Get away.
18:42Uh, you won't regret this, Captain.
18:45Yes, sir.
18:45We won't let you down.
18:47You'd better, McHale,
18:48because if you don't,
18:49so help me, I'll...
18:50Oh, why did I ever join the Sea Scouts?
18:54Bye-bye, Captain.
18:57Bye!
19:05Oh, you sure saved our next game.
19:06Really got us out of that one, Skip.
19:07Yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:08There's only one little thing.
19:10We've got to figure out a way
19:10how to make Mr. Parker a winner tomorrow.
19:12Oh, you don't have to worry about that.
19:14All you have to do is think like a winner,
19:17read him and weep.
19:19Oh, brother,
19:21he doesn't even know I slipped on these four races.
19:22Too bad you can't figure out
19:24some way to slip in the four races tomorrow.
19:27Hey, wait a minute.
19:28Who says we can't?
19:29Well, how?
19:30The rules man's dealing.
19:31The rules really stack in the deck.
19:33Well, then it's up to us to unstack them, dog.
19:35Gun it.
19:35We've got to create some kind of a distraction.
19:39Let's see now.
19:42They're superstitious, right?
19:44Right.
19:45The earthquake guard.
19:47Hey,
19:48maybe he'll give us a little chance
19:50that we need to slip Mr. Parker
19:51to those four races, huh?
19:54Let's go in and talk about it, boys.
19:57Pretty clever, if you ask me.
19:58One earthquake coming up.
20:03Okay, Willie, move out.
20:15Are you ready, Groob?
20:16Yeah, just say the word, Skip.
20:18Hey, look.
20:18Hey, look.
20:21Okay, ceremony finished.
20:30Now we play.
20:32Earthquake guards smiling on me now.
20:38Fundo, fundo.
20:39Ah, on with the game, Chief.
20:52Fundo, fundo.
21:00Well, let's, uh...
21:01Well, let's, uh, ante up,
21:05get the old show on the road.
21:08All right.
21:09Let's wing those pasteboards
21:10and make the plunge.
21:12I love that kind of cock.
21:13That's not bad, isn't it?
21:14What a kill.
21:16Give him some kind of nut?
21:17Oh, you'll find out.
21:19Go get him, killer.
21:20Right.
21:20Oh, croupier,
21:21if you don't mind,
21:22I'd like to cut those tickets.
21:23Ha!
21:23Think you're messing with kids,
21:26huh, big fella?
21:27Well...
21:27That's kind of a slippery deck.
21:31Well, Chief Baby,
21:32or, uh...
21:33Baby?
21:34I take on.
21:37Well, I'm ready.
21:38Uh, one hand,
21:40no openers.
21:41Winner take all.
21:43Deal.
21:45Remember now,
21:45think like a winner.
21:46Think like a winner.
21:49Think like a winner.
21:50Think like a winner.
21:51Think like a winner.
21:53Think like a winner.
21:54Think like a winner.
22:03Don't worry, Chief.
22:04I got the four races ready.
22:05Yeah, yeah.
22:06I take two.
22:08How many you want, Parker?
22:10Well, uh,
22:11I might as well take two.
22:13Uh,
22:14three.
22:18Four?
22:20Four.
22:20I think four.
22:21Oh, there's two easy.
22:23Who is he?
22:35Nothing's happening.
22:36Quick, check the wire.
22:37Oh, brother.
22:38That's the boys.
22:47Here goes El Switcheroo.
22:48Tati Hulu Horani.
22:54Tati Hulu Horani.
22:56Quick, quick, God, man.
22:57Yeah, yeah.
22:59Got to go.
22:59Yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:00First, first.
23:01First, must see who won.
23:02Oh, no, no, no, no.
23:03I had full house, Parker.
23:05What you got?
23:05No, he said,
23:06now, come on,
23:06we got to make a run down.
23:07Oh, got the show.
23:08Can't show.
23:09Yeah.
23:09All I had is four kings.
23:10Four kings,
23:11that's all I had.
23:11Four kings.
23:12Hey, we win.
23:14Who cared about money now anyway?
23:16Got to scram.
23:18Yeah, that's good.
23:19Hey.
23:21Jack, you did it, baby.
23:23You did it.
23:24Yeah, and he did it
23:25far and square.
23:26How about that, huh?
23:27Hey, you guys were great.
23:29You let loose those charges
23:31right in the butt.
23:32Charges?
23:32What charges?
23:33We couldn't get them to work.
23:34Yeah, this is a real earthquake,
23:36Skim.
23:36Wow.
23:37Well, come on,
23:38let's get this door off the wall.
23:39Let's go.
23:40Let's go.
23:40Let's go.
23:41Brad,
23:42hey,
23:42jump it in here, boys.
23:44Put it in there.
23:49Next time,
23:50remember to think like a winner.
23:53More hit.
23:59So,
24:00if you'll just sign the receipt,
24:02I'd roll in the $4 million,
24:03will be all yours.
24:06All right,
24:06so much for formalities.
24:08Now,
24:08Commander McHale,
24:09if you'll take me to the money.
24:10Oh,
24:10it's right in the captain's office, sir.
24:11One of my men
24:12has just taken inventory.
24:13After you, sir.
24:15$3,264,382.
24:21$3,264,382.
24:22$3,264,382.
24:22Hey,
24:22hit!
24:28Um,
24:29with your permission, sir,
24:31one,
24:37two,
24:38three,
24:40four,
24:40five,
24:40one,
24:41two,
24:42three,
24:44four,
24:45five,
24:46¶¶
25:16¶¶
25:26¶¶
25:30¶¶
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