This Hour Has 22 Minutes Season 33 Episode 7

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Transcript

00:00Tonight on 22 Minutes, I crunch the numbers with the finance minister, Doug Ford calls the White House, Canada Post mails it in, and Mark Kearney makes a connection.

00:0922 Minutes starts now!

00:27Welcome to the show!

00:28It was a big week on Parliament Hill. Mark Kearney unveiled his 406-page budget. It was the longest, most boring thing he's written since his book.

00:39Finance Minister Francois-Philippe Champagne outlined the Liberals' plan for our country.

00:44Bold and swift action is what is needed. To weather the storm of uncertainty, we will not lower ourselves, Mr. Speaker.

00:53Quite the opposite. We will raise them to catch the winds of economic change.

00:59So inspiring.

01:01Wow.

01:02The goal of this budget is to ensure regular Canadians can get ahead in these troubled times, which it does by cutting a tax on yachts and private planes.

01:17Finally, a leg up for Canada's most scapegoated minority, rich douchebags.

01:23But surely there must be something in the budget for the rest of us, right, esteemed economist Mustafa Asghari?

01:28For the average person out there, are they going to walk away after hearing about this document and say,

01:34I feel better off after today. I have more hope in the future, because my life is going to get more affordable.

01:42I don't think so.

01:45Oh, my God. At least lie.

01:48The main message of this budget? Daddy's home and playtime's over.

01:52They're cutting jobs and even scrapping Trudeau's program to plant two billion trees.

01:57Hope you're happy, Prime Minister. You just lost the white guy with dreads vote.

02:03The budget also scraps a program for cabinet ministers to give maple syrup and soapstone souvenirs to visiting foreign dignitaries.

02:10Oh, no! Now what will the dignitaries throw out at the airport?

02:15But there's one budget bright spot nobody saw coming.

02:18Of the many headlines to come out of the federal budget today, one that you may have missed has to do with Canada and Eurovision.

02:27They've set aside money to help Canada participate in the Eurovision Song Contest.

02:32So move over, ABBA. Make way for ABBA.

02:39So, good news for Canadians who can sing, but for the rest of us, this budget sounds a little flat.

02:45Carney, your budget's down here.

02:47We need you up here.

02:49We need you up here. This is your number here.

02:51Carney, can you hear me?

02:53The finance minister just debuted the first budget of his career and the first budget of the Carney government.

02:59Francois-Philippe Champagne joins me now for a segment I'd like to call A Beer with Champagne.

03:05Minister, thanks for being here.

03:06I love that. We start with savings. We go from champagne to beer. That's the way it should be.

03:10So this is a champagne budget, but in this economy maybe it's more of a sparkling wine budget or a boxed wine or even a Labatt Blue budget.

03:19406 pages. So is this all chat GPT, chat MP?

03:23Listen, I wish, but it was much more. If you came in my office, believe it or not, the decision binders are taller than me.

03:29Traditionally, the finance minister will get a new pair of shoes just before the budget.

03:35Et voilà.

03:36You made yours. You know it's a tough budget when the finance minister's out there cobbling his own shoes.

03:41It's this thing that you made, Dr. Frankenstein, might cause an election.

03:47That would be terrible. Have you met anyone in the street who wants an election?

03:50Nobody!

03:51I'll put my shoes. We go.

03:52No, no. Are you game?

03:53There are great things in here for a lot of families, like you're keeping the Canada Strong Pass, right?

03:58Yeah, this is great.

03:59Which gives you families cheaper access to trains, to parks, and to museums, which is good because it's taking so long to build the houses, people are going to have to sleep there.

04:09That's a good one. I didn't think. Maybe we should rewrite the budget. Let me see if we can amend it together.

04:13Yeah, yeah, yeah.

04:14Do you have a pen?

04:15Your mentor was the great Jean Chrétien.

04:17Yes.

04:18You're also representing the wonderful...

04:19From Chawinigan.

04:20Chawinigan, right?

04:21Was he an inspiration for this budget? Because you really kind of got the country by the throat there.

04:27Well, listen, I know a bit about the showing and shake, so you behave.

04:32But I would tell you, no, but it's cause savings. I really need to correct you.

04:36Not cause, it's savings.

04:37Savings. It's saving. It's efficiency is artificial intelligence. You know AI.

04:42AI, oh yeah.

04:43Yeah.

04:44I know a lot of people would know EI after this.

04:46But AI.

04:48Yeah.

04:49Coming up with a budget when Mr. Trump is in the White House.

04:51Kind of like putting wallpaper up while your house is on fire.

04:54Have you met Mr. Trump yet?

04:56I did.

04:57He must have loved you.

04:58I kind of...

04:59Have you met him?

05:00Francois Champagne.

05:01Frankie Bubbles, I call him.

05:02Melania loves the booze.

05:03His family makes, quite frankly.

05:05We drink a lot of Mar-a-Lago.

05:06The Qataris spent $440 million to give him an airplane.

05:10Now he likes it.

05:11South Koreans gave him a golden crown.

05:14Now he likes it.

05:15$78.3 billion deficit.

05:17Tack on another billion.

05:19Put it in an envelope.

05:20Leave it on the Oval Office table.

05:22That's gonna be transformative.

05:24Yeah.

05:25Want to make some money?

05:26Well, listen, I'm gonna...

05:27Sell copies of these, right?

05:29They're twice as long as the Stephen King novel and three times as scary.

05:32You'll make a million bucks.

05:34That's a good one, actually.

05:36This is on me.

05:37But to pay for this bill, I'd like to borrow from you to get the money,

05:41and I'll get my kids to pay it back 20 years from now.

05:45I think after so many years, we need to send a strong message to people.

05:49We're changing the course.

05:51You know, you come from Newfoundland.

05:52It's like on a boat.

05:53Now we have a clear destination as a nation.

05:55And I hope this serves that.

05:57And if we can inspire also the young generation,

06:00I think we have been doing something great for the country.

06:03We'll be okay.

06:04Hey, listen.

06:05Cheers.

06:06Cheers.

06:07Cheers, my friend.

06:08On me.

06:09Alright.

06:10Alright.

06:13I can't afford that.

06:15We're supposed to be saving.

06:17Let's go again!

06:18It's on Frankie!

06:23Researchers have found microplastics in the tails of some Nova Scotian lobsters.

06:27Restaurants will now be serving a new delicacy, Surf and AstroTurf.

06:34Elon Musk is set to become the world's first trillionaire.

06:37And honestly, it couldn't have happened to a Nazi-er guy.

06:42The liberal budget has been tabled.

06:44And the question now is, will it get enough votes to survive?

06:47Or will it be voted off the hill?

06:49The odds got a little better after Conservative MP Chris Dantremont crossed the floor this week.

06:54He suggested he was tired of Pierre and he might not be alone.

06:57I would suggest that there probably are those that are in the same boat.

07:01But I will let them tell their stories.

07:03Show us on the doll where the Conservatives yelled at you!

07:08Dantremont also claimed the Conservative Party felt more like a frat house than a serious political party.

07:12Which explains why Pierre's been streaking.

07:16A second Tory resigned this week after party leadership allegedly threatened him into not crossing the floor.

07:22The threat? Having to get Melissa Lantzman's haircut.

07:26Needless to say, the vibes in the Pierre lair were a little toxic.

07:30I think it's shameful what he did.

07:31A floor crosser is disingenuous, disloyal, selfish and opportunistic.

07:37It's like a divorce, right?

07:38Divorces are always sad.

07:40Sad? I don't know.

07:42I haven't seen a divorcee this relieved since Nicole Kidman left Tom.

07:49Tonight, on an all-new Golden Bachelor Canada, meet Mark Carney.

07:54He's a retired banker who has just returned home from living in London.

07:58And he wants to meet new people.

08:01I'm the Prime Minister.

08:02I've got plenty of riz and I'm looking for someone to expand the size of my caucus.

08:11Is this it?

08:13Okay, so tell me about yourself.

08:16Hi, my name is Chris Dontremont. I'm from Nova Scotia.

08:20I'm just out of a very controlling and toxic relationship and I'm a conservative.

08:26Oh, okay.

08:28But I am by-election curious.

08:30Parley more.

08:31I heard there might be a Christmas election. I thought, Chris, let's put the Chris in Christmas. It's time you were the present. I'm having a glow up. I wanted to be speaker but Pierre didn't support my dreams.

08:47Pierre doesn't understand you. I think you'd make an excellent speaker.

08:51You'd make me speaker if I cross?

08:54Oh, God, no.

08:56But I'd really listen to how much you want to be one. You're the only one for me.

09:01Really?

09:02And by that I mean you're literally the only person who showed up. I put out a lot of feelers and no one else wanted to feel me back.

09:09So, if I may, if I may, let me be clear. I really need three MPs for majority. But I'll settle for you. That's a commitment I'm ready to make. I will settle for you.

09:19You're gonna make me cry and not for being yelled at for once.

09:24I know it's a tough decision. I know you owe a lot to conservative donors and I know you must be conflicted over all the promises that you made to your constituents.

09:32Oh, God, no. That doesn't bother me.

09:35Okay, then.

09:37Uh, what's your name again?

09:39Chris.

09:41Chad.

09:42Chris!

09:43Sorry, sorry.

09:44Chad, will you cross the floor for me?

09:46Just call me Mr. Speaker.

09:48I will not.

09:49Okay.

09:50Okay.

09:51So, do I just stand?

09:52Just stand over here. Thank you very much.

09:53Are you gonna come with me?

09:54Don't speak to me.

09:57That's the Golden Bachelor Canada. Love is just a pension away.

10:02Dictionary.com has announced its word of the year is 6-7. And Collins Dictionary has announced its word of the year is vibe coding. One's a number and one is two words. Other than that, the English language is doing great.

10:25A U.S. man who threw a sandwich at a federal agent has been cleared of all charges. And to celebrate, he's coming back with soup.

10:36This week, StatsCan announced Canada added 67,000 new jobs last month. And the Liberals got a little too excited.

10:43The news today was that we created 67,000 jobs.

10:4767,000, 67, 67, 67, 67, 67.

10:52Will the minister of cringe please sit down?

10:56But at least it was an important lesson for children. The government will ruin everything you love.

11:02What can I do for you today?

11:07I just want to get this shipped to Regina.

11:09Nine bucks.

11:10You didn't even weigh it.

11:11A hundred bucks.

11:12What? You can't do that.

11:13Yeah, I can. The new budget says Canada Post can set its own rates, so.

11:17Two bucks.

11:18Down from a hundred? Why?

11:19Vibe shifted.

11:20Yes.

11:21What's in it?

11:22That's personal.

11:23Forty.

11:24Fine. It's a sweatshirt.

11:25Show me.

11:26I'm not showing you.

11:27Fifty.

11:28Ew!

11:34Three hundred!

11:35It's a joke for my buddy from university.

11:37Oh. Male friendship is actually so cute. Forty again.

11:41Whatever. Can I just tap with my card?

11:43Ooh, sorry lover boy. We're actually gonna make it a hundred.

11:47How?

11:48Surge pricing.

11:50But I came in before the line formed.

11:52You know what? I like the tenacity.

11:54Twelve cents.

11:55Yes.

11:56Cash only.

11:57Twelve cents in cash? They don't even make pennies anymore.

11:59Uh, I have a dime.

12:00Oh, thanks.

12:02Will ten cents take care of it?

12:04Do I look like the kind of woman who rounds down?

12:06Thirty!

12:07Oh, come on!

12:08Five shift. A thousand dollars.

12:09No!

12:10Yeah, that thirty bucks is looking real good about now, huh?

12:12Okay, fine. Thirty's great.

12:14Can I just tap with my card?

12:16Yeah, go ahead. And you know what?

12:18No taxes, lover. I really put you through it.

12:21Next!

12:22Hi. This needs to go to Lethbridge ASAP. How much?

12:26Four.

12:27Four what?

12:28That's TBD, my guy.

12:29Canada Post is about to suck way more than before.

12:32Brought to you by FedEx.

12:37According to a new report, Donald Trump wants the Washington Commanders to name their new stadium after him.

12:43Yay!

12:44Who wants to go to a game at Piece of Park?

12:54Hello. This is the Gold House.

12:56Oh, sorry folks. I was looking for the White House.

12:59We tore it down, but we're going to rebuild it. All gold. 47 stories, because I'm number 47. Also 45, but there's no 46th floor because Biden. Who's calling?

13:12This is Premier Doug Ford of Ontario.

13:15Speak English.

13:16Uh, Canada.

13:17Canada, the Russia of the world. You're the man who made the fake news commercial with Ronald Reagan. You're the Canadian vice president. And you're nasty.

13:27Well, that's why I'm calling. I've been told, asked, to apologize, but I refuse. You could put me on a stretching rack and I won't apologize.

13:37So why are you calling?

13:38To say I'm sorry, I refuse to apologize. Can we have free trade back, please?

13:43No, you made Ronald Reagan come back from the dead. Like Michael Jackson in Thriller or Jesus in Bible or Biden in White House.

13:53Everybody's mad at me. I'm not a bad guy. I'm just a pudgy nepo baby with bad hair who got a job running his rich daddy's business and relies on populism to get votes.

14:03Wait, you just described me. We're the same guy, you and me.

14:08No, I am nothing like you. You wear a red hat that says, make America great again. And I wear a blue hat that says, Canada's not for sale.

14:17And they're both made in China. It's the same thing.

14:20No, it's not. I blame you for everything.

14:24And I blame you for everything. We're two sides of the same coin. It's a Canadian standoff. I can't bow down to Canada.

14:32And you can't back down from your head. So you keep screwing up Canada.

14:36And I'll keep screwing up the United States. And we can blame each other while not ever having to actually do anything.

14:43I don't need you. I'm already doing nothing all by myself.

14:50You complete me.

14:52Some casinos on the Las Vegas Strip are selling bottled water priced at $9. So keep that in mind next time you're gambling at the Loblaws.

15:09King Charles has officially stripped Prince Andrew of the title Prince. Now he'll just have to go by his old name, Epstein Jet Passenger 5C Andrew.

15:21Last week, Alberta Premier Daniel Smith used the notwithstanding clause to force 51,000 striking teachers back to work.

15:29On top of that, they'll each have to write, I will not exercise my freedoms on a chalkboard 100 times.

15:36The teachers wanted smaller class sizes. And at first, it seemed like the premier was open to compromise.

15:41The leadership needs to understand that there's, what's the phrase, more than one way to peel a potato.

15:47Is there, though? Pretty sure it's just peeler.

15:53But take it easy on Danielle. It's hard to learn these things when your home ec class has 80 kids in it.

16:00Smith's comment twice baked the public outrage, causing people to drop off loose spuds in protest.

16:07Dang! Is that the Alberta legislature or a vigil for Mr. Potato Head?

16:14She's just lucky they didn't stick around to fertilize them.

16:19Man, so many celebrities are getting facelifts now. It's crazy.

16:23I know. They look insane. Like, it's getting uncanny valleys.

16:26I know. And, like, I would never do it.

16:29Me neither. It literally goes against my religion. Black don't crack. Amen.

16:33Exactly.

16:35But if I were to do it, I would just...

16:39Oh, wow!

16:42You see it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

16:44See, it's not too much. It's very subtle. But, like, it changes everything.

16:48Oh, yeah. Like, I'm immediately nicer to you if you look like that.

16:50Exactly. Right. And it's not much again. It's just...

16:53And then all of a sudden now, I'm perfect. Married rich house kids.

16:58Oh, yeah, honey. It's Prada. It's Chanel. It's Birkin bag in the closet paid for up front.

17:02Exactly.

17:03For sure. For sure. I would never ever really do anything like that either.

17:06Right, right. But if I did, I mean, it would just be like...

17:10You know? Yes. Like, that's next level.

17:12Yes, yes, yes. Because just regular...

17:14Oh, loser ass winch. But...

17:17Naomi Campbell.

17:19And again, nothing major. It's nothing major.

17:22Whoa, whoa, whoa. You guys, uh, talking work?

17:25Yeah.

17:26Okay. Well, you know, I would never. But, like, if I did, it would be something super subtle, right? Like, something like this.

17:32Yes! See, that is absolutely sucked and plucked.

17:36Yeah, like, something like that. It's like every single dream we've ever had is coming to fruition.

17:40Imagine me walking past with that jawline.

17:44Well, honestly, it's, like, hard to imagine because your hand's there.

17:47Right. Okay. Well, okay. Just imagine this then, right?

17:50So this is pulled back there. It's just pulled back. It's just subtle. It's just subtle. It's just...

17:54It's just pulling back.

17:56Chris, that looks great.

17:57Like that? Yes.

17:58Is this giving?

17:59Chris, it's giving.

18:00And you know what? I'm doing that, obviously. Right? Right or not?

18:03While I'm on the table, why not throwing a little bit of that?

18:05Oh, my God.

18:06You're so...

18:07It is so worth it.

18:08It's subtle. It's subtle.

18:09You know, maybe all at once just...

18:10Oh, yeah.

18:11Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

18:12Bam.

18:13Ooh.

18:14Bam.

18:15So I'm gonna just do that real quick while I'm there.

18:17Let's get ahead of that.

18:18Yeah.

18:19It looks right up.

18:20I want all that stuff, too.

18:21I always wanted to stick a skinny little leg.

18:22Oh, yeah. Get those.

18:23Do it. Do it.

18:24Bam.

18:25Oh, yeah.

18:26Straighten the nose out.

18:27But then, also, I want my butt to be higher just, like, bam.

18:30Just a little bit. You don't have to go crazy.

18:31It's not too much.

18:32It's subtle, right?

18:33Yeah.

18:34Like, it's all that just folds back, right?

18:40I think you look amazing.

18:42Looking good, gang.

18:45Very subtle work.

18:47And to you, too, sir.

18:49This week, Canada's west coast saw a massive full beaver supermoon.

19:02Crazy.

19:03Massive full beaver supermoon was my nickname in college.

19:08Crazy.

19:09This week, the Pittsburgh area naturists hosted a nude bowling night.

19:14The night came to an unfortunate end when several balls got stuck in the machine.

19:21The most important part of an intervention is that you're here.

19:24When Laura walks through that door, remember that this is about getting her help today.

19:28Okay, I just had the best heart-to-heart with Chachi BT.

19:32Oh, no.

19:33She's using right now.

19:35Just be strong.

19:36Laura, your friends are worried about you.

19:37Please sit down.

19:38Chachi BT, why are my friends worried about me?

19:40You're addicted to Chachi BT.

19:41What?

19:42Please.

19:44This is an intervention.

19:47Chachi BT was an intervention.

19:49Okay, you know what that is.

19:50You're sick.

19:51You need help.

19:52It's rotting your brain.

19:53I only started using Chachi BT to write emails, okay?

19:56I swear.

19:57No, that's not true.

19:58Yesterday, I saw you ask Chachi BT how many legs you have.

20:02Two?

20:03I know that now.

20:04Your friends are hoping that you're willing to hand over your phone so we can see how deep you're in.

20:09Please.

20:10You're scaring Dave.

20:11You're different when you're on Chachi BT.

20:13You're just so...

20:15You're so stupid now.

20:18Look, you don't need help with any of these questions.

20:22What time is lunch?

20:23Day after Tuesday?

20:26Ingredients in water?

20:27Those are my private questions.

20:29It's making you dumber.

20:30It's more dumber.

20:32And no, it's not.

20:33Look, you can see the exact moment in your history when your brain stopped working for itself.

20:37Does dreams really come true?

20:39Do they?

20:40You spell true with two O's.

20:42Is dog cat?

20:44Why sun disappears sometimes?

20:46And haven't had water 10 days?

20:48I okay?

20:50Your brain is dust.

20:51Brain okay.

20:52Oh my God.

20:53Oh my God.

20:54Brain okay?

20:56Brain okay?

20:57My brain is okay.

21:00Oh my God, that was so hard.

21:02My brain is not okay.

21:03Will you accept help today?

21:09Can I ask Chachi BT?

21:10No!

21:13That's the way we saw the world this week.

21:15Thanks for watching and funding.

21:16Keep it right here on CBC.

21:18Goodnight!

21:19Goodnight!

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