- 2 weeks ago
- #realityfocusamerica
This Hour Has 22 Minutes Season 33 Episode 1
#RealityFocusAmerica
#RealityFocusAmerica
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Tonight on the season premiere of 22 Minutes, we try to catch up with Merck Kearney, Pierre Polyev holds court, the PM sits down with the president, we finally get through to the CRA, and we pack our go-bags. A new season of 22 Minutes starts now!
00:30Welcome to season 33 of this hour has 22 Minutes!
00:36We're back, and a lot has happened since we left you. Our former PM had a summer fling with an astronaut, and Doug Ford showed us all how to make a cocktail.
00:52Start supporting companies that make whiskey here by Ontario.
00:59I wish I could get the soap coming out quicker.
01:02Oh, you don't want to do that.
01:07He's still pouring!
01:09Prime Minister Mark Kearney spent the summer talking a big game about nation-building projects.
01:15This week he announced the first five, none of which are east of Montreal.
01:20Sorry, PEI, you'll just have to wait for your thousand foot and a Green Gable statue.
01:25But Kearney did give us a timeline for future announcements.
01:30This is the first tranche of projects.
01:33We expect the second tranche of projects to be announced by the Grey Cup.
01:38Before the Grey Cup? Great!
01:41When is that?
01:43And sir, pro tip, if you want to be a man of the people, don't use the word tranche.
01:52Kearney also announced Build Canada Homes, a new agency focusing on affordable housing.
01:57Speed and scale, that's how the federal government says Canada will build itself out of the housing affordability crisis, using thousands of prefabricated homes.
02:07Honey, I'm home.
02:09You've heard of the Property Brothers.
02:11Well, meet Property Daddy.
02:14The PM's a busy guy.
02:16He's running the country, literally.
02:18He ran a 26K race last week.
02:20I'm actually running with Prime Minister Mark Kearney.
02:24I can't believe this.
02:26How did that woman get so close?
02:28Where was his security detail?
02:36How much longer?
02:3826 kilometers.
02:39How long's the race?
02:4026 kilometers.
02:41Oh, God.
02:42Get out of the way!
02:43Yeah, move it.
02:44Show some respect.
02:45We're RCMP.
02:46Yeah, we protect the Prime Minister.
02:48So let him know that when you see him up there.
02:51You right there, Mr. Carney.
02:53Just taking a break to better protect you.
02:55Yeah.
02:56Man, this sucks.
02:57When we were with Justin, all we had to do was make sure he didn't do karaoke.
03:00I know, and Harper barely moved at all.
03:02Damn, he is so fast.
03:04Yeah, where the hell did his little body go?
03:06It's harder to track than his finances.
03:07I can barely see him.
03:09Please let his Achilles snap.
03:11Please let his Achilles snap.
03:13Hey!
03:14Don't pray for him to get hurt.
03:15He'll cut our jobs first.
03:16Well, I'm fresh out of ideas.
03:18I think we just gotta run.
03:21Okay.
03:22All racers to the starting line.
03:25The starting line?
03:26This is just a warm-up?
03:28Please let his Achilles snap.
03:29The nickel spray, come on.
03:30Please let his Achilles snap.
03:31The nickel spray!
03:32The nickel spray!
03:34A new session of Parliament began yesterday with lots of newly elected MPs,
03:39including the newest of all, and I hope I'm pronouncing this right, Pierre Polyevre.
03:44The conservative leader is back.
03:47He's got a new vision for the country, and it is starch heavy.
03:51That hard work gets you a nice, affordable home with meat and potatoes on the dinner table every single night.
03:59Every single night?
04:01I hope you're taking a fiber supplement.
04:06Pierre was announcing his proposals to tackle the scourge of home invasions.
04:10This house here behind me, the owner has spent $100,000 on extra security.
04:18Bulletproof windows, camera systems, alarms, electric fencing in certain parts of the home.
04:24I won't get too specific because I don't want the bad guys to know exactly where and what he's talking about.
04:31Are you doing a press conference or casing the joint?
04:36Plus, we all know his trick for forcing your way into the house.
04:40Bully someone in a safe blue riding to step down so you can take their seat.
04:47I'm back.
04:49You miss me?
04:50Do we have to answer that?
04:51Yeah, let's not, no.
04:52It's good to see you, sir.
04:53You're glowing.
04:54It's the glow of victory.
04:55My plan went perfectly.
04:57Lose a massive lead in the polls, lose the election, lose my own seat in parliament,
05:01and then scramble to get my job back in a basically fixed victory in Battle Crow, um...
05:06Battle River Crowfoot?
05:08Battle Ri- yes, Battle River what you said.
05:10Yes, I love that place.
05:12Almost as much as I love winning.
05:15I need another hit of victory.
05:17I'm feeling it.
05:18Give me your seat.
05:19Can I sit in yours?
05:20No, no, I eventually want that one back.
05:22Ooh!
05:23Yeah!
05:24Oh, that feels good.
05:25Gotta try and keep this winning feeling going.
05:27Well, sir, we thought you might say that.
05:29Yes, we set up a series of easy victories so you can stay hopped up on wins.
05:33All right.
05:34Hit me.
05:35I'm jonesing.
05:36Come on, top me up.
05:37We made you a custom word search.
05:39Mmm.
05:40All right.
05:41Oh, there it is.
05:42Donut.
05:43Tremendous work, sir.
05:44It's really hidden in there.
05:45Another big W for Pierre.
05:47Record that.
05:48How many wins are we at?
05:49One, sir.
05:50No.
05:51No, no, there's more wins.
05:52We also had a, um, a battle river bird fart.
05:54Battle river crowfoot.
05:55Butter ba- butter bird.
05:56What?
05:57I'm losing it.
05:58I'm losing the feeling.
05:59I mean, this doesn't feel good.
06:00Okay.
06:01Well, we hired a small boy that you can defeat the spelling bee.
06:03Ah.
06:04Very good.
06:05That'll be so easy.
06:06Bring in the boy.
06:07Your word is pernicious.
06:10P-E-R.
06:13Oh, he's gonna spell it.
06:14He's gonna spell it.
06:15He's gonna win.
06:16No, no.
06:17New idea.
06:18Maybe you could dunk on the boy, sir.
06:19Why didn't we start with that idea?
06:21Yes, I will dunk on this snowflake little boy.
06:24Yeah.
06:25Hit me.
06:26All right.
06:27Come on, post up.
06:28Yeah.
06:29Oh, yeah.
06:30That's a foul.
06:31That's a foul.
06:32Oh, open lane.
06:37Yeah.
06:38Yeah.
06:39Yeah.
06:40In your face.
06:41In your little face.
06:43Who's pernicious now?
06:45Fuck.
06:46Come on.
06:47Come on.
06:48How many wins is that?
06:49That's three, sir.
06:50I'm maxed up on wins right now.
06:52This feels good.
06:53Let's get to work.
06:54So, uh, how's Garney doing?
06:56Bad, right?
06:57Oh, people like him.
06:58They say he has daddy vibes.
07:01Really?
07:02Bring the boy back in.
07:09Lower than that.
07:13This week, more than 100,000 Brits frustrated with the UK's immigration policies protested
07:23in London, stating they want their country back.
07:26Hey, us too, said Antigua and Barbuda, Australia, the Bahamas, Belize, Canada, Grenada, Jamaica,
07:31New Zealand, Papua New Guinea, St. Kitts and Nevis, St. Lucia, St. Vincent, the Grenadines,
07:36Solomon Islands, and Teguza.
07:40While discussing projects for the country last week, Prime Minister Mark Kearney joked that
07:44Edmonton Oilers Captain Connor McDavid is unsigned.
07:47Kearney said he believes the Oilers will get the deal done because, unlike him, they don't
07:51have to negotiate with an old goalie path.
07:57Thank me for being here.
07:59Hello to all the lying liars from the fake news.
08:02I invited you here to watch me yell at another world leader.
08:06My guest today is a man they call Kennedy, Prime Minister Mark Kearney.
08:12Thank you for inviting me, Mr. President.
08:15It's always great to visit the United States.
08:17Coming across the border was easy.
08:19I just deleted everything off my phone before I came.
08:22And the cavity search was so enthusiastic that I cancelled my next colonoscopy.
08:28And speaking of being up someone else's ass, I had such a nice visit with Putin.
08:35Did you see that?
08:36He's incredible.
08:37He's another snow person like yourself and we look beautiful together.
08:41I brought a picture.
08:42We met in Alaska, which used to be Russia, but we took it from him.
08:46Just like we're gonna take our beautiful 50 for a steak.
08:50If I may, Mr. President, you bought it.
08:53America bought Alaska from Russia.
08:55I knew that.
08:56You didn't think I knew that?
08:57Of course I knew that.
08:59The Louisiana Purchase, they called it.
09:02But if I was present, I would have gotten such a better deal.
09:05I really would.
09:06Speaking of, isn't there something you want to say?
09:09I'd like to say, if I may, that as neighbors, which we spell with a U.
09:14Nope.
09:15Nope.
09:17Well, America and Canada are strong partners who…
09:20Nope.
09:21Nope.
09:22Say the thing.
09:26Ugh.
09:28Canada will be dropping our retaliatory tariffs.
09:30And what else?
09:32Consistent with Canada's commitment to Kuzma, I will remove all of Canada's tariffs on U.S. goods covered by Kuzma.
09:38And the other thing, say the other thing, the important part.
09:44Uncle.
09:45I can't hear you.
09:47Uncle.
09:48Or as we say, en francais, uncle.
09:52Uncle who?
09:54Uncle Sam.
09:56Look at this guy.
09:57He went from elbows up to knees down.
09:59What a loser.
10:01Elbows up, elbows down, elbows up, elbows down.
10:03It's like you're doing the chicken dance.
10:05Can you believe it?
10:06In fact, I'd like to see that.
10:08What?
10:09Do the chicken dance and I'll take 2% off the tariff on steel.
10:162% is 2%.
10:172% is 2%.
10:18.
10:19.
10:29.
10:30.
10:31.
10:35.
10:37While attending a 9-11 commemoration, Donald Trump's face was seen drooping on the right
10:48side.
10:49And somehow, he still found a reason to blame the left.
10:54Apple revealed its new iPhone 17 lineup, which includes a brand new ultra-thin model.
11:00Terrific news for that little crack between your headboard and the wall.
11:04Recently, a directive from the Alberta government caused the Calgary Board of Education to ban
11:10226 books.
11:13It's not a book ban.
11:14It's not a book ban.
11:15It's a book ban.
11:17Including The Handmaid's Tale, The Color Purple, The Godfather, and Jaws, which makes me wonder,
11:22does Daniel Smith know there are books that weren't TV shows and movies?
11:28Here's Alberta's Minister of Education and Child Care to explain.
11:31Under the new standards, school libraries are not permitted to include material containing
11:38explicit sexual content.
11:41Wait until he finds out about the internet.
11:47A lot of the books Smith used as examples had something in common.
11:50Books like Genderqueer and Flamer.
11:53Yes, they contain sex, but a certain kind of sex.
11:56Let's just say that it looks like the Alberta government prefers their reading without the
12:00rainbow.
12:01Look, if you want to ban books with sex, Danielle, consider banning the Bible.
12:08In Genesis, Lot gets drunk and is seduced by his daughters.
12:12Twice!
12:13Or the Song of Solomon, which is all about cleavage.
12:17I quote,
12:18Thy two breasts are like two young rows that are twins.
12:21Come, blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out.
12:26I don't know what was in the books, Danielle, banning, but I bet nobody was writing about
12:32spices flowing out of you after somebody blows on your garden.
12:38Hey!
12:42The Song of Solomon is like a Cardi B song.
12:46Last week, after public outrage, the government stepped back from the ban.
12:51The direction will be to take books with pornographic images out of the libraries and to leave the
12:58classics alone.
13:00Great, that's good, because we don't need people sharing pornographic images.
13:03We have, for the third time, also published the graphic images in the books under question
13:12that have been available to children.
13:15If you're worried about people posting porn, stop posting porn, Danielle!
13:18So hopefully, this third time around, uh, as we repost those images, with warning, because they are very graphic...
13:27I don't want to see it! I don't want to see it!
13:30Yes, we should have controls in place so that young kids are not exposed to inappropriate books.
13:35In fact, we already do.
13:36It's called the Top Shelf.
13:41Have you been able to get in touch with the CRA?
13:43No, no one can. Lines are all backed up. I've been on hold for weeks.
13:49Wait, it's them. It's the CRA.
13:51Oh, no, the CRA doesn't call you, so that's a scam.
13:53But what if it's not?
13:54Well, it says likely scam.
13:56I gotta risk it.
13:58Hello, this is totally the CRA.
14:00Finally.
14:01And I just wanted to let you know, we have a warrant out for your arrest.
14:04What do you need from me?
14:06Aaron? I gotta risk it.
14:08We just need your SIN number and $5,000 in STEAM gift cards,
14:11and we gotta keep this hush-hush, so no banks.
14:15Just one second. Just let me write this down.
14:17They're conning you.
14:18I am on the phone, and if I don't deal with this right now,
14:21I might never get a hold of them again.
14:23Then may I ask who I'm speaking with?
14:25See, he doesn't even know who you are.
14:26Aaron Aloysius McCann.
14:28A as in Aaron.
14:30A as in Aaron.
14:31R as in Ron.
14:32You know, the longer this works on you, the older you'll look to me.
14:35Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Don't talk to me like that.
14:37I'm sorry, is there someone else there with you?
14:39Uh, we have a warrant out for their arrest, too.
14:42We're both in so much trouble.
14:44What's your SIN number there, mystery boy?
14:46Um, I'm a woman.
14:48Okay, yeah, sure, buddy.
14:49And I work for the Canada Revenue Agency.
14:52Now I'm gonna need you and your male best friend
14:53to bring $8,000 in unscratched cash for life
14:56to the quarry just outside town,
14:58or you will be tried as an adult.
15:00Write that down just in case the call drops.
15:02He doesn't work for them.
15:03We have to risk it.
15:05You know what? I'm up to my ears.
15:06Do you mind sharing your location with me?
15:09Aaron, don't! Don't!
15:16All right, this is the CRA.
15:18I need you to zip-tie your hands behind your back right now.
15:21I can't believe this.
15:22I know, right? An in-person appointment.
15:26Rare.
15:26Rare.
15:27Rare.
15:27Rare.
15:27Rare.
15:36Rare.
15:37Doctor's warn using a smartphone in the bathroom
15:40can lead to a 46% increase in hemorrhoids.
15:45So just use toilet paper like everyone else.
15:50Former UFC star Conor McGregor says
15:53he will no longer run for president in Ireland.
15:56As an accused sex offender,
15:57he's decided he'll have a better shot in America.
16:00Canada is rapidly scaling up its military and not a moment too soon because we are facing
16:09threats from all sides land air and worst of all from the deep blue sea shark sightings on the rise
16:16in Atlantic Canada that's a shark they encountered a shark the great white shark that's a great white
16:24I sat down with shark expert Dr. Chris Harvey Clark to get inside the twisted
16:30mind of our enemy let's talk pre-emptive strike how do we destroy these sharks before they destroy
16:35us well they've been on the planet for 400 million years so it's going to be a little bit of a
16:39challenge they're also protected species so you know get ready for the handcuffs why are these
16:43sharks coming for us is it because they hate our Canadian freedoms got three things coming together
16:48at the same time we've got a lot more sharks because they've been protected now for almost 30
16:53years we have a ton of seals up here so the buffet is open and we have warming seas and what happens
16:58when they run out of seals Chris well you know what will they eat when they run out of seals Chris
17:02what's the biggest shark you've ever seen in these waters this one white shark five meters long a ton
17:08in body weight and that can cut the seal right in half good god we're gonna need a bigger boat okay
17:14everyone so welcome to the Halifax harbor okay we're here in the Halifax harbor hopper the biggest boats
17:20that the CBC could afford now coming up on your right hand side this is the Maritime Museum of the
17:25Atlantic definitely one of my top recommendations if you're looking for something I'm sorry do you
17:30mind if I should make a quid it's my grandma's birthday she's she's 95. Attention passengers we
17:35are commandeering this vessel I am the captain now you have all been drafted to fight in the war on sharks
17:41ma'am if you wouldn't mind chumming the water please we do have limited chum so if anyone has
17:48any pets or small animals please contribute them to the war efforts I see a lot of American tourists
17:53here if anybody has a concealed weapon please fire indiscriminately into the water it seems our
18:00country has lost its warrior ethos I would have to fight this battle alone show yourself you devil
18:06where are you I'll rip you fin for fin you coward Sun Tzu writes that the supreme art of war is to
18:16subdue your enemy without fighting so the fact that I didn't actually see any sharks at all means that
18:22in a way I defeated them well these animals let's not fool ourselves they are amazing predators but
18:28they're also majestic and beautiful and we need to preserve them and conserve them I win I'm not dead I'm not
18:35even dead besides maybe sharks are actually beautiful maybe we can find a way to coexist with
18:41these gentle Giants in peace and a London Ontario doctor is set to retire after performing more than
19:0218,000 vasectomies probably for the best because he did them all on one guy the NDP caucus had a retreat
19:11last week to discuss ways to revitalize the group now that it's lost official party status with only
19:16seven MPs I'm no doctor but from here that looks like one limp caucus
19:25again about 145 households under the evacuation order here as well these fires are getting really
19:31close okay the news is saying we should pack a go bag in case we have to evacuate just the essentials
19:38food medicine clothing la boo boo la boo boo la boo boo absolutely not why not you said essentials only that's
19:46I'm only bringing lichee berry sesame bean magic of pumpkin no no we're not bringing your little goblins
19:53they're not goblins they're elves dressed like rabbits this area is under an evacuation order oh god oh god
19:59um shoes camp goods baba sissy Zuzu uh duo duo this one's really quite rare why would we need them when we are
20:06sleeping on the floor of a high school gym trying to make friends do you want to look like a loser or do you want to have the hottest new toy that is also a fashion accessory I just don't get the appeal
20:14they're not even cute they're scary it's not scary it's mischievous it's it's quirky what am I missing here like is this from a movie or something it's from the whimsical mind of its creator only take what you absolutely need unless it's super cool and quirky and shows off your unique personality
20:31I think you're stupid la boo boo okay first off this is not a la boo boo this is a makoko la boo boo's best friend and he is non-essential I don't like makoko as much
20:42hey it's Dave from next door I just want to make sure he got out okay yeah yes we're coming
20:48yeah I got everything Dave I got every single thing oh come on hey if I'm gonna celebrate Halloween in a
20:54high school gym with strangers I don't want to look like a freaking loser thank you yes yeah we might have
21:01waited too long it's pretty fiery back there
21:04that's the way we saw the world this week keep joining us on Tuesday nights on CBC or stream us on
21:12CBC Gem 22 minutes we're Canada's funniest nation building project good night
21:17good night
21:18good night
Recommended
21:25
|
Up next
41:29
0:49
43:23
43:40
23:26
45:24
46:38
59:32
57:07
57:15
58:37
57:11
58:04
1:04:18
1:04:04
1:04:04
1:03:34
1:03:55
Be the first to comment