- 5 hours ago
Tv, Facejacker Season 2 Episode 1
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FunTranscript
00:00Meal time's getting you down?
00:21Tired of the same old sauces, mustards and dressings?
00:24What if you could replace all your sauces with just one?
00:27Well now you can!
00:28My name's Tony Chips and I'm here in the United States of America
00:31to trade away you look a sauce forever, will you?
00:33Tony's special sauce!
00:35Baggers!
00:36Talk to me!
00:37Hot dogs!
00:38Talk to me!
00:39Ribs!
00:40Tacos!
00:41Chicken balls!
00:42Don't forget the buns!
00:43Oh my god!
00:44This is amazing!
00:45Thank you, Tony!
00:46It's Tony.
00:47If you love a taste of sauce, then you'll love a taste of toys!
00:51Wrap your lips around that!
00:53If we don't say Toey's on the bottle, then it's no Toey's!
00:58Toey's special sauce!
01:00My agent called me up, so, uh, how would you like to be a judge?
01:06That's, uh, what we're talking.
01:08X-Fact, Bob Adam, because not, better than that.
01:11Beauty pageant!
01:12Beauty pageant!
01:13It's all about Toey now!
01:14Toey's talking over this time!
01:15At the prized Princess pageant in Pennsylvania, organisers John and Crystal have had a difficult
01:30start to their event.
01:31Two judges cancelled and a, uh, MC calls us this morning and tells us he's not gonna be
01:38able to make it.
01:43Already running two hours behind schedule, and with the contestants getting restless,
01:48John and Crystal need to come up with some solutions.
01:52And first.
01:53Hello, Crystal.
01:54Hi, Crystal.
01:55How are we?
01:56Nice to meet you.
01:57Our MC just cancelled on us.
01:59MC, yeah?
02:00Sir, can you do that?
02:01Huh?
02:02Can you do that?
02:03Of course I can!
02:04Beautiful, yeah, yeah.
02:05To be honest, I've never done this before.
02:07I mean, I have been to a beauty pageant, don't get me wrong, you know.
02:09Okay.
02:10I've been to quite a few.
02:11Misswell, 76.
02:12Uh, Misswell, 77.
02:13Mm-hmm.
02:14And then, uh, I was barred in 78.
02:17But in 79, basically, they were supposed to take place in Honduras.
02:21And what happened was there was a terrible tropical storm.
02:24And that's a cancer the whole thing.
02:25It was terrible.
02:26Yeah.
02:27There's foundation on everyone.
02:28Oh, wow.
02:29With the pageant still not underway, recently divorced Terry is ruffling the feathers of some of the contestants' mums.
02:36So what are you, uh, what's the, uh, what's the, uh, you married?
02:39I'm sorry?
02:40Are you married?
02:41Yes.
02:42Oh, you are.
02:43You win some, you lose some, eh?
02:44You wanna go out for a drink or some of you, let me know.
02:45Some of the things that he said to me in the hallway were inappropriate.
02:49I hope this isn't your plan, yeah?
02:50He asked me if I was married.
02:52I'm recently divorced, you see.
02:54And I said, yes, I have six children, lots of children.
02:57And he said,
02:58Your husband must have a enormous pose.
02:59Brrrr.
03:00Brrrr.
03:01Bonus.
03:02Oh, yeah!
03:03Here's my husband.
03:04Let's go.
03:05And he said,
03:06Let me go.
03:07A little girl, he said,
03:08Now you're going to come.
03:09Whatever.
03:10Let's go.
03:11Let's go.
03:12Welcome to Hugo.
03:13Our self-service check-outs are now touch-sensitive and voice activated.
03:18Let's get scanning.
03:26Scantastic.
03:27Stupidly.
03:30Take your item in your hands.
03:32Good.
03:34And wave it over the scanner.
03:37Find the barcode first.
03:39Where's the barcode?
03:40Can you see it?
03:41Maybe it's on the bottom.
03:42There it is.
03:43And scan your item.
03:45Simply, efficiently, and quickly.
03:48Uneasily.
03:50Please scan your next item.
03:52On identify an object in bagging area.
03:55Please remove and replace the item.
03:57No.
03:59On identify an object in bagging area.
04:01There isn't.
04:02Please remove the item and re-scan it.
04:04Or the authorities will be notified.
04:06Okay.
04:07I have a twin sister.
04:09Maya, you're so handsome.
04:11Her name is Augustine.
04:12You want to get to know me a bit better?
04:14Some people think she's disgusting.
04:18Hey, yo.
04:19Hit, hit, yo.
04:20Down.
04:21Hit, hit, hey, yo.
04:23Hey, you're so handsome.
04:24Hello, Mr. Mohammed.
04:26You're here for the minicab driver, Tis.
04:28How are you, Mr. Gohan?
04:30I'm all right.
04:30How are you?
04:31I'm very well, thank you.
04:32What a handsome man you are.
04:34Oh, thank you.
04:36You see, as my husband's come, I don't really ask him when I take it, you know, because I like to do a bit of this on the side.
04:42Yes.
04:42You know, and he likes to do a bit of something else on the side, you know, but we won't get into that, you know, that's, you know, his busyness.
04:49God bless him.
04:50He's just, you know, very highly sexed.
04:52Okay.
04:52You know.
04:54Okay, you might want to bring the thing a bit forward because you're a little man.
04:57Can you see over the steering wheel?
04:59Yeah.
04:59Have you got any cushions?
05:01I don't have any cushions.
05:02No.
05:03The only cushions you see are here.
05:04Right.
05:04Okay.
05:05But if you sit on those, I might have to charge you.
05:06Right.
05:07Okay.
05:08If you know what I mean.
05:09I think so.
05:11Good.
05:12It takes a very skilled man to drive a minicab.
05:16I don't know, have you driven a minicab before?
05:18No, but I drive buses, though.
05:20Oh, you've driven a bus.
05:21I drive buses.
05:21Oh, wonderful.
05:23You're the big bus driver.
05:24Yes.
05:25Oh, my God, with your big bus.
05:2612 years, 15 years, 16 years.
05:2915 years on the bus?
05:3016 years on the bus is here.
05:30Oh, my God.
05:32What number bus did you drive?
05:33Normally, they start.
05:34It wasn't the number 73, was it?
05:36Oh, no, no, no, no.
05:37You wouldn't be the handsome bus driver on the 73?
05:40No, no, no, no, no.
05:41Remember?
05:43I'll show you my oyster.
05:45Yes.
05:48Maybe later.
05:55Did you miss me?
05:56No.
05:56Back at the pageant, the organizers are still hoping that substitute MC Terry will be a success.
06:03Our first contestant tonight is Sophia Harrison.
06:07She's two years old.
06:10Hello, Sophia.
06:11Look at her.
06:12Beautiful.
06:13Is she going to mommy?
06:14She's going to mommy.
06:15That's where she's going.
06:16I'm a mommy.
06:17Oh, yeah.
06:18Oh, my God.
06:19That's what the prize princess pageant is all about.
06:22It's about young, beautiful girls, you know, who are going to go out to be all beautiful
06:26girls.
06:26Now, we all like all beautiful girls, don't we?
06:28Oh, my God.
06:29This guy's out of control.
06:30Not too old, man.
06:31It comes a time when, you know, it's time to put him in a home and, you know, go around
06:35once a month.
06:36That's what I did.
06:36The nurses don't abuse him anymore.
06:38It's lovely.
06:38Anyway, moving on.
06:40Someone needs to say something.
06:41Oh, yeah.
06:41Hello.
06:42We have a new emcee and they're like, can you be a judge again?
06:46Oh, no.
06:47If I was doing an all right job.
06:49I'd like to stop things for a second.
06:52I feel a little bit hurt and upset.
06:55Some of the parents don't like my style of presenting.
06:59Now, if you think they're right, now, you say I.
07:02But if you like me the way I am, like how my mom wise me and how my son and daughter
07:09will love their old man, yeah, I might be three out of my five ex-wives, then you say
07:14so now, because I could be downbeat or I could be myself.
07:17Now, what would you rather I be?
07:24I'm fine.
07:25Okay.
07:26You're fine.
07:27I've been fine.
07:29I come all the way.
07:30We think that you'd be better as a judge.
07:31Whitman Swift, England, and you're firing me.
07:35Hello, everyone.
07:36Are you excited to be here?
07:38Yes.
07:38I'm about to know for this shit.
07:40I'm out of here.
07:40Are you excited to be here to see these beautiful young ladies?
07:44I'm blown.
07:45Moving on.
07:46Yes, indeed.
07:47Moving on.
07:48Like, like, hooray.
07:49You going now?
07:53Please scan your next item.
07:56Item not found.
07:57Please state the item clearly into the machine.
08:00Heritage chopped tomatoes.
08:03You, Mr. Purchase.
08:05Curly Black Label, 24-pack.
08:07No.
08:08Heritage chopped tomatoes.
08:11You, Mr. Purchase.
08:12Uncle Ben's spicy sausage.
08:14Jesus.
08:16How?
08:16A cabbage.
08:17No, a cauliflower.
08:19Cabbage.
08:20Cauliflower.
08:22Red cabbage.
08:23Red cabbage.
08:24No, a cauliflower.
08:25Oh, bloody hell.
08:26Heritage chopped tomatoes.
08:28You wish to purchase golden wonder, salt and vinegar, family size.
08:32Is that correct?
08:34No.
08:35It's a bloody cauliflower.
08:37You wish to purchase a cabbage.
08:39What are you on about?
08:40You wish to purchase Captain Birdseye fish balls.
08:44Is that correct?
08:46No.
08:47Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.
08:49Do you believe this great for?
08:50No.
08:50Let me give you a hand here.
08:52No, no, no, in the drive.
08:53Can you pull out here?
08:54It's very tight.
08:56Do you like to pull out when it's tight?
08:58No.
08:59No.
09:00Me neither.
09:02Oh.
09:04Oh, please be careful, you know.
09:05I'm a nervous passenger, you know.
09:07That's nice.
09:08Now, at the end of the road, please, take...
09:11Oh my God!
09:12Sorry.
09:13What happened there?
09:14I'm used to the clutch.
09:15Oh, the clutch?
09:16No, no, no, this is the automatic.
09:18Please don't scare me like that again, please.
09:21Oh, my God.
09:22You can't go, Mr. Goha.
09:24He's flashing you.
09:25That's it.
09:26Because if you let people go, they'll be going all day.
09:31I can go all day.
09:35Now, if you go very slowly, I'd like you to read out the numbers on the doors.
09:39Okay.
09:40Which ones?
09:41Just whichever ones you say.
09:43Okay.
09:4440, 41, 42, 43, 44.
09:49You're guessing now, Mr. Muhammad.
09:51No!
09:52Put one out.
09:53Put one out.
09:54What color you want?
09:55I'll read the number.
09:56The red one.
09:57The red one, 48.
09:58The green one.
09:5949.
10:00Oh, my God.
10:0150.
10:02I gave it away.
10:03Oh, no.
10:04Mr. Muhammad.
10:06Oh, my God.
10:09Oh, my God.
10:10Oh, my God.
10:11No.
10:12from the messy side actually down uh i've just been fired
10:22do you ever have moments where a crowd will turn against you who cares i hope he left i could not
10:30have terry continue because they all told me they were very upset they weren't they were they were
10:34i think they were going to leave for the pageant to continue crystal needs terry to return as a
10:39judge but she's finding it difficult so will the intervention of a good samaritan change terry's
10:48mind these children are counting one i got two little ones i do anything for him i got two little
10:54ones too when you do anything for him i would i would help him out it's the right thing to do and
11:01you'll feel better about it but i feel bad now this will make you feel better you're doing a good thing
11:05you're right i'm gonna do it for the kids give me that thing let's charge thank you sir you need a
11:14car you can do tarry tapes all right i'll give you a good price please scan your next item
11:21come on age verification is required for this item please state your date of birth clearly into the
11:28machine for 747 you were born on the fourth of the seven two thousand and seven you're too young to
11:38purchase this item please scan your next item age verification is required for this item but for
11:47custard age verification is required for this item custard i met i met you quite a good dancer i have been
11:53known to uh you know shake my stuff do i do a mean moonwalk would you like to see it
12:07i don't want to see a mom in the outfit don't lie at that he literally picked up his phone and made a
12:30phone call in the middle of somebody being on the stage are you with that mustafa those are in the
12:36backwards they come back to pay with many categories to mark it's important that the judges pay close
12:48attention all right so we all unfortunately terry has some catching up to do with his marking okay go
12:59grab that we'll be right here just getting a count yeah no no it's 709 it's a 10 let me print them
13:09something that's up he's copying over your answer's high though i don't
13:16who's who's my highest my highest is i got a tie two way oh yeah i've had a tie three way oh yeah that was
13:24an eye i won't forget boys boys i was born this way oh my isn't she puked at this point i just want
13:33to say that things are going very well for you okay thank you i'm going to take your blood pressure as
13:38well okay um do you like music mr mohammad i do but then again maybe if you are a bit nervous
13:46say we can play some whatever so bring it on
14:04you know i'm really happy to meet you mr mohammad
14:10would you like something to eat no i'm all right i mean i don't do banana do you not no do you mind if
14:21i do no i love a good banana that's good and healthy for you but it can't be too ripe you know
14:29yeah it must be a little bit firm you know what i mean yeah too hot it's got a bit too much black on
14:40it doesn't it but it's too black yeah are you really married yes really mr mohammad yes such a tease
14:51yes i have a nice time mr coho it's okay i'm going to have to do the driving lessons yeah
15:00oh oh absolute utter disgrace please scan your next item
15:12malfunction malfunction malfunction malfunction system is resetting
15:15it's verification required it's verification required self-service jack out of google
15:28it's easy it's simple it's the only way to fly is scantastic scantastic scantastic scantastic
15:35what a lovely scan and you've been late you've got an amazing scan
15:39the judges of the beauty pageant are carefully deliberating who the winners will be
15:52she's a very good tap dancer that one what did she do again she didn't do that's a tap dancer
15:56no she didn't do a talent that's good now that one i've had a look at there's nothing good in it
16:00uh that's calista oh she's very good is she the tap dancer no the tap dancer was already seen she
16:06she's already been scored oh now cassie was good she's a tap dancer right no the tap dance we
16:11already saw her her portfolio has been seen already we already looked at her come about to snap out
16:16yes please we're just finishing courtney oh she's a tap dancer this is the tap dancer right here
16:27oh yeah that's right yeah all right i like the violinist
16:30wow wow wow shut up what we're going to do now is have a little role play okay what i would like
16:38to do is to now become one of your passengers right oh what a day i've had is the seat back enough oh
16:45yes that's fine oh really maybe i could just is it back a little bit just just lean back it's fine
16:51that's fine just lean your head back for me oh yes how's that do you mind if i give you a bit of a
16:59ear massage i want to sing for you do you like my body do you love my body i'm not here to like that
17:12i'm all human you are all man together we can make love till the dawn mr muhammad don't play hard to
17:27get with me i'm not yes you are mr muhammad i see the way you look at me i'm not playing hard to get
17:33at all yes you are mr muhammad you're just trying to make ends meet i want your meat mr muhammad no
17:40please why not miss i go hard i want you to go hard on me all night all night long oh yes
17:58just married but i'm married as well you really need to trim your ear here maybe i could trim it
18:06with my tongue no no no no no no no left booby say hello mr goha right booby say hello mr goha
18:18mrs moonju say hello mr goha oh like a little flash
18:26well i'm not looking i'm just here's a little bit i've got my eye on you take you from a to b
18:31how's the better take you from x to c uh no hang your face wearing a mask i like it
18:40one moment please we are putting you through to an assistant oh god please here's a word from some of
18:45our satisfied customers i love your girl it's great i love the choice and the fact that it's quick and i like
18:54the colors they use as well in the signs hello hello hello hello yes you're having problem with machine
19:02it has just asked for my age for pork pies pork pies yes oh okay could i asking which store you are you
19:11calling from nuneaton warwickshire non-eatons are you spelling non-eatons sorry n-u-n-e-a and sorry n-u-n
19:22n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n
19:52E-A-T-O-N
19:54E-A-C-O-N
19:56No
19:58Now it's not coming up for computing
20:00How are you spelling the wordx, yes?
20:02Oh, good grief
20:04W-A-R
20:06W-E-Rs
20:08W-A-Rs
20:10W-A-R-W-A-I-S
20:12No, W-A-R
20:14W-A-R-W-A-R
20:16W-A-R
20:18Oh, please
20:20Don't worry Shag
20:22One moment please, I'm going to call for backups
20:28Hello?
20:30Hello?
20:32Hello?
20:33Yes?
20:34Can I pay for my shopping?
20:36Sorry?
20:38Can I pay for my shopping?
20:40Is this 2128421?
20:42Hello?
20:44Hello?
20:46Bloody young people calling the phone again
20:48I have enormously large
20:50I have enormously large
21:00Just thought you'd like to know that
21:02It's prize-giving time at the pageant
21:04And the organizers are in a reflective mood
21:06I think for a first pageant
21:08You know, you're going to anticipate a lot of problems
21:10How'd you close the sign?
21:12We had our share of problems
21:14I would never want to go to this again where
21:16We don't know who it is and we're running around asking strangers to be, you know, a judge
21:22I'd just like to say
21:24I actually have a daughter myself
21:26Tansy
21:28I don't think we raised the full magnitude of it
21:30She used to tap dance and, you know, play the keyboards and do the violin
21:36And the twiddly thing with the stick
21:38And I love my daughter very, very much
21:40And although
21:42She's a pain in the ass
21:44She is, I mean
21:45She's my daughter, I can say that
21:47But if you're listening to Tansy
21:49Wherever you are
21:50Your dad loves you very much
21:52And he misses you
21:54I don't regret doing it
21:56I think it was, you know
21:58Good experience
21:59And he's sorry, okay
22:00If you want to go with Mustafa
22:02Then you got my blessing
22:04Alright?
22:05But he's not staying around our house
22:07Thank you
22:09Good night, Machla
22:10Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes
22:15Mr. Mohammad, please
22:17Oh, I'm sorry
22:18I'm sorry
22:21Well, take me back to Bess then
22:23Mr. Goha
22:24Oh, my God
22:25Just go
22:27Just go
22:28Just go
22:29Just go
22:30Get out of my side
22:31I know they want baths of dust.
22:38The total for your shop today is...
22:41When you're ready, no rush.
22:44£108.76.
22:46Fuck off.
22:48Fucking £108.76.
22:50I'm lucky we've got a ten of.
22:52We want drugs.
22:54Before you finish and pay...
22:56...would you like some cashback?
22:58No.
22:59Would you like to buy Hugo home insurance?
23:03No!
23:05Would you like life insurance?
23:07Nothing!
23:09Would you like Hugo car insurance?
23:11No!
23:13What an annoying thing!
23:15Congratulations!
23:17You are 100th customer of today!
23:21You are eligible for a mystery secret prize.
23:25Today's secret prize is...
23:27One month's supply of coal!
23:31One month's supply of coal!
23:33Enjoy your complimentary gift,
23:35courtesy of Hugo,
23:37self-service check-outs.
23:41Enjoy your coal!
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