- 7 hours ago
Tv, Facejacker Season 1 Episode 2
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00:00Are you looking for a great deal on a Qual-AU second hand cap?
00:30Well come down and tell me Tix's motor code, 692, walk away, now 692, walk away, my name's
00:43Terry and I'll be waiting for ya.
00:44Family cars.
00:45Talk to me.
00:46Luxury cars.
00:47Talk to me.
00:48Uh.
00:49So if you're looking for quality used cars at an affordable price.
00:51So to Terry.
00:52That's right.
00:53Talk to me, Terry Tix.
00:54I'll be waiting for ya, cause we got some beautiful models just there.
00:58Ain't that right?
00:59It's day one of the competition in Rickmansworth and our first host, 59 year old car salesman
01:18and entrepreneur Terry is out to impress, sourcing only the very best ingredients for his fare.
01:24This is Rich by the way.
01:25Jeff.
01:26Jeff.
01:27Jeff.
01:28He's been my fishmonger now for the last, uh, how long have I been coming and getting
01:30my price?
01:31Well I've been here 48 years.
01:32Oh yeah, well I've come here for at least, you know, most of that time.
01:36Amazing isn't it?
01:37Yeah.
01:38Unbelievable.
01:39I'll see you later Rich.
01:40Jeff Terry.
01:41Jeff Terry.
01:42But what will his rivals make of his menu?
01:43Terry's prawn salad supreme.
01:45I wonder what the secret sauce is.
01:47Ketchup and mayo?
01:48Classy Terry.
01:49But there could be trouble brewing with the main.
01:52Steak a la Terry.
01:53Terry with pomme de terrisse with a tomato.
01:57Oh look at that.
01:59Beautiful.
02:00Give me five of those.
02:01Steak.
02:02Oh.
02:03I'm a Hindu.
02:04We don't make steaks.
02:06What did you tell me?
02:08I don't know.
02:11I didn't realise they were all out on the shop.
02:14Well hopefully Terry will have better luck with his dessert.
02:17La pamba surprise.
02:20Hmm.
02:21Back home and Terry seems more concerned about getting himself ready than the food.
02:25I've got some surprises up my sleeves.
02:27Up my both sleeves in fact.
02:29Up a shoe.
02:30Oh you're in my top of the shoe.
02:31I've got a surprise.
02:32Oh what's that in your pack?
02:33Oh.
02:34Oh that's a surprise.
02:35Oh it's a big surprise.
02:36What about right in the back?
02:37Oh there's a little surprise tucked in up there.
02:39Yeah.
02:40Not like that but you know what I mean.
02:41I think Terry's planning a surprise.
02:43When you come to Tory Tibbs' you know you're gonna have a night.
02:47You'll never forget.
02:48I'm running the shoe.
02:50Poodle.
02:53I'd like to make a complaint please.
02:56Thank you for purchasing my Business Acumen Masterclass.
03:01In this volume I will show you how to increase your cash flow by assuming the identity of a well respected High Street official.
03:08So you better get moving or I'm going to give you a ticket.
03:11Huh?
03:12Yes.
03:13You tell him Augustos, he's nothing but a tramp on Wales.
03:16Remember, parking control equals wallet control.
03:21Okay.
03:22Are you the homosexual man on the EastEnders?
03:24I think you are.
03:25The homosexual on the EastEnders?
03:27Yeah.
03:28Oh very nice to meet you sir.
03:29You too.
03:30My name is Augustos.
03:31Hello Augustos.
03:32Very nice to meet you.
03:33I admire your work very much.
03:34You're very kind.
03:35Excellent.
03:36Just to let you know that the parking numbers have changed.
03:39Okay.
03:40Okay.
03:41So you just need to dial the number on there and then someone will take your credit card details.
03:46Nicely done Augustos.
03:48Hook line and sinker.
03:54Hello.
03:55Where's Mr. Parking?
03:56How can I help?
03:57Show me the mornings.
03:58Okay.
03:59Do you have a major credit card?
04:01Just get a pen.
04:02One second please.
04:03We are very busy in the office at the moment.
04:07Uh oh.
04:08Hello.
04:09Keep cool Augustos.
04:12Yes?
04:13Who do you work for?
04:14I work for Westminster Council.
04:16Do you have ID?
04:18Do you have ID?
04:19Who are you?
04:20I've got ID.
04:21Well you are in the wrong uniform for a start.
04:23And his beard is clearly a fake.
04:25You just have to call the number.
04:27No mate there's something up front.
04:28I was just talking to you on the phone.
04:30What do you mean?
04:31Just there when I was just talking to you on the phone.
04:33No no no no no sir.
04:34That is head officer.
04:35You just call the number.
04:36No mate.
04:37That's you.
04:38No no no.
04:39He wasn't talking to me sir.
04:40Who are you?
04:41No no no sir.
04:42I was talking to my mother in law.
04:43You know it's her birthday today.
04:44You are not a traffic warden in Westminster.
04:45I'm a traffic warden in Westminster.
04:46This is some kind of conspiracy here.
04:49I'm not watching the show again.
04:51Yes.
04:52See you later Queen Vic.
04:53Oh shut up.
04:54With first guest you already half way up the drive.
04:58Terry still hasn't finished his starter.
05:00Oh fucking hell.
05:01Hello there how you doing nice to meet you.
05:03Towie Towie what's your name?
05:04Yo.
05:05Yo lovely to meet you yo.
05:06Yo lovely to meet you yo.
05:08Yo yo.
05:09Yo.
05:10Oh that's very kind here.
05:11That's very kind indeed.
05:12Come come come in sir.
05:13Come sir.
05:14Take your top off.
05:15Take your shirt off.
05:16Take your jacket off.
05:18Wear my Glacier cherries.
05:19Oh yeah.
05:20You're not allergic to cherries are you?
05:22Good.
05:23Good.
05:24You look like you popped a few in your tongue.
05:26Hello.
05:27Next up is air hostess Alpa.
05:29Alpa.
05:30Lovely to meet you.
05:31Come in Alpa.
05:32Yo this is Alpen.
05:33Alpen this is yo.
05:34Yo Alpen.
05:35What's my mic?
05:37I'm cereal now am I?
05:38Lovely to meet you.
05:39And hot on Alpa's heels is photographer Elizabeth.
05:41Beautiful.
05:42Oh she's fast.
05:43In the meantime Terry's centre piece is generating a lot of attention.
05:46Did you carve the tiger yourself?
05:48I didn't you know.
05:49He's a good boy.
05:50Oh he got my eye.
05:51Oh he got my eye.
05:52Oh he got my eye.
05:53Oh he got my eye.
05:54Just talking with me.
05:55Just talking with all five fingers.
05:57It's a good job.
05:58All five fingers and a thumb.
05:59And with management student Kyriakos the final piece of the puzzle.
06:02The four guests become better acquainted with Terry in the living room.
06:05That must be the wife.
06:07Wife number two.
06:08Number two.
06:09Yeah.
06:10Okay.
06:11Is she still here?
06:12I fucking hope not.
06:13I tell you.
06:14If I woke up and saw Esma Welda sat next to me.
06:17I would not be a happy bunny.
06:19I'll tell you.
06:20No no no.
06:21Are you single at the moment then?
06:23Well I might be.
06:24Who's asking?
06:25You're so funny Terry.
06:29Oh yeah yeah.
06:30I'll put some full fat milk on that.
06:32Crikey.
06:33They come to Dr Ali for help.
06:46Help is what I give them.
06:48If someone walks in and say I don't like myself.
06:52I hate myself.
06:53I hate myself.
06:54Every day I wake up I want to kill myself.
06:57I've got to be honest with them.
06:59If I look like how you look.
07:01I want to kill myself too.
07:03My god look at you.
07:05Wonderful.
07:06That is marvelous.
07:09Let me hear the voice some more.
07:11London.
07:12London voice.
07:13No no no.
07:14But very manly.
07:15How long has it been?
07:16Four.
07:17Since you know.
07:18Since why what sorry?
07:19The change.
07:20You didn't used to be a woman.
07:22No no no no.
07:23I've always been a man.
07:24If you want beauty then you're going to have to pay for it.
07:28I'd like to get liposuction.
07:29This bit here and my eyes.
07:30Lip implants.
07:31Is this noble at the end?
07:32And probably bum implants.
07:33I would take a decision here.
07:34What do I do with shading?
07:35This side here.
07:36Now that is a handsome man.
07:37Yeah that's it.
07:38That's what I'm talking about.
07:39Sticky job like that.
07:40You don't look like a person, Victoria.
07:41Like that husband.
07:42You don't look like a person.
07:43I don't think I am.
07:44I don't think I am.
07:45You could do anything.
07:46Can't do anything.
07:47Yes.
07:48Maybe.
07:49No.
07:50No no no no.
07:51No no no no no no no.
07:52No no no no no no.
07:53That is a handsome man.
07:54Yeah, that's it.
07:54That's what I'm talking about.
07:56Stick it up like that.
07:57Now, you see the difference?
07:59Yeah.
07:59It's streamlined.
08:01Much better like that.
08:02Yeah, possibly.
08:03You see that difference?
08:05This side especially.
08:07Yeah.
08:07It looks like you got some kind of hairpiece of the face.
08:11I'm a handsome man!
08:14It's day one in Rickmansworth, and first host Terry is bringing out his starter.
08:18There you go, darling.
08:19I just had a lick of you, tiger.
08:20I bet you did.
08:21I hope it wasn't this end.
08:24No, it was this end.
08:25Oh, that's all right.
08:26I never go for the answer.
08:27No, no, no.
08:28If it was that, Andy would have had a bigger smile on his face.
08:32But, you know, we can't see each other.
08:34Hello.
08:35Hello.
08:35Well, no, no, we can't.
08:36I mean, it's all right.
08:37Well, don't worry.
08:37If you turn the temperature off, I'm not sure.
08:40Listen, when people eat, they like to eat.
08:42You know, you're hungry, you start eating, you don't want to talk.
08:44Yeah, talking at dinner parties, overrated.
08:47But Terry's huge portions seem to be defeating his guests' appetites.
08:50Sorry, I can't finish this.
08:51I want to make room for your main course.
08:53Yeah, me too.
08:53Don't worry about it.
08:54My course is very light.
08:56Oh, yeah.
08:57Yeah, light as a feather, Terry.
08:59Beautiful.
09:00And while the beautiful steaks are cooking, Terry has the first of his surprises for his guests.
09:05As the guests enjoy their oriental treat, Terry's busy finessing his main course.
09:22Now, if anyone asks, yeah, you watch me peel those fucking potatoes for two hours, yeah?
09:29Oh, dear.
09:32I'll never know the difference.
09:33It seems one thing Terry does know about is what makes a good Thai massage.
09:38Thank you, darling.
09:38Nice to see you again.
09:39I'll see you next week on Wednesday.
09:42All right?
09:42Yeah?
09:43Bring your sister next time.
09:45Don't do wonderful extras.
09:47I've got a son.
09:48If I am honest.
09:49We don't want to know.
09:50If I am honest.
09:52Their family shall be in box.
09:53You've got to get them two, you've got to get them two at a time.
09:55Oh, yeah.
09:56Then they start fighting over it.
09:58Yeah, yeah.
09:58Nearly whip it off.
09:59Steady, Terry.
10:00Where are your nipples exactly?
10:05Here and here?
10:06Yeah.
10:07Put your finger on them?
10:09Okay.
10:10Uh-huh.
10:12I mean, what kind of ass shape you're looking for?
10:15Um, Jennifer Lopez.
10:16Oh, okay.
10:17So you want big ass.
10:18Now, I know it looks a little bit lumpy, but is that something you might get used to?
10:24Yeah.
10:25Your anus might be lowered about three inches.
10:29My what?
10:30Anus.
10:30Oh.
10:31Which may cause problems down the line.
10:34That sounds scary.
10:35It's not.
10:35It's completely safe.
10:37I've done it many times before.
10:39I did it once for Saddam.
10:41Who?
10:42Saddam.
10:43Who's Saddam?
10:45Hussein.
10:45I remember one time Saddam, he asked me to take a man's scrotum and tie it to his head.
10:52And he woke up with his balls on his face.
10:56But that was then, you know.
10:57That was the 80s.
10:59Can you feel that?
10:59Yeah.
11:01Can you feel that?
11:02Yeah.
11:03Can you feel that?
11:04Yeah.
11:05That?
11:05Yeah.
11:06But you didn't feel that, yes?
11:08A bit.
11:09But less, yes?
11:10Yeah.
11:10You didn't feel it at all, did you?
11:13Not really.
11:14Oh.
11:15You see, this whole area must be removed.
11:18We're talking $95,000.
11:21Oh, what's that in English?
11:23It's about $75,000.
11:25It's about $75,000.
11:26You want to think about it?
11:27Yeah.
11:29Where's the guy with the woolly hat?
11:36Yeah.
11:36With a career in ruins, Donaldson returned to London, England, where he's thought to be
11:43casting the lead in his comeback feature film.
11:47You obviously haven't explained to her what she's auditioning for today.
11:49Does she even know the character she's up for?
11:52No, I haven't explained it to her.
11:54Right.
11:54And why is that?
11:55Uh, because...
11:58Explain to her the dialogue, the character breakdown, the part she'll be playing, and
12:02then we can come in and do this all over again.
12:05That would probably help.
12:07Okay, I'll get you a script.
12:08Brilliant.
12:10Brilliant.
12:11She's playing Kerry the collie.
12:13She's a bitch on heat who likes a bone and has more than one place she likes it buried.
12:18You know?
12:19Former Andrex puppy star.
12:21She fights the war on Terrier in style.
12:25Now, tell her, right, in whatever language you choose to speak to your doggy, I'm not
12:29going to wait, I'm trying to speak to you.
12:30No, no, no, I'm telling her, because I thought she was going to jump off.
12:33Oh, right.
12:35Oh, get back up.
12:36You rat bag.
12:37I'm not a rat bag.
12:38No, her.
12:39I'm trying to direct.
12:39Every time they offer me an animal part, I say, no, I've done it.
12:43I've done 40 pedigree jump commercials.
12:46I fed a chimpanzee his own warm piss in a tea glass, right?
12:50Just to get my shot.
12:52She's still in process.
12:52I was told that she could bark on cue, she could sit on cue, she could stand on cue.
12:57And if you asked really nicely, she'd lick her testicles on cue.
12:59For those of you who don't know who I am's, I don't know who I am's either.
13:10With Terry fussing away over his steaks, his guests have a poke around the rest of his
13:17house.
13:18Oh, wow.
13:19I can snoop around all they want.
13:20As long as I go to my bedroom, that's fine.
13:22Okay, there's something worrying here.
13:25There's a camera filming the bed.
13:28Oh, really?
13:28I don't know if it's his or the crew or...
13:32It's not ours.
13:33What is this?
13:34What is this?
13:35Susie and Terry XXX.
13:37What the?
13:38No, really?
13:39Susie and Terry XXX.
13:41Oh, no.
13:42Home movie.
13:43He is kinky.
13:45He is kinky.
13:46But as the guests learn all about Tiger Terry, how's the man himself getting on in the kitchen?
13:51Ah, fuck!
13:54Ba-ba-ba-ba-boly-ba.
13:57Oh.
13:57Wow!
14:01Oh!
14:09Hello?
14:11It's blocked.
14:14We're here in the old grand city of London
14:18at one of the finest art colleges in London.
14:22To my left I have a portrait of
14:25the Fine College, London
14:28where we will be observing a life class.
14:31Mick, hello.
14:32Hello.
14:33And welcome.
14:34I just correct you, my name is Nick, not Mick,
14:36and it's Fine Arts College, not Fine College.
14:38Sorry.
14:39Do you want to participate or do you want to observe?
14:41No, no, no, I shall be observing.
14:42Right, where do you want to observe from?
14:44I don't want to invade the personal space of the model, if you would...
14:48No, no, certainly, no, no, absolutely not.
14:50You have to stand at a respectful distance.
14:51Yes, respectful is where I'm here.
14:54I feel that sometimes the life model is made to do things
14:58that perhaps she doesn't feel comfortable doing.
15:00I mean, not, you know, standing in the middle of a room
15:02completely naked, you know, uncomfortable.
15:05I mean, she'll be completely natural.
15:06I've done it.
15:07Nick's done it, haven't you?
15:09Well, no, I volunteered on a couple of occasions.
15:13Well, no, exactly.
15:14No, I mean, we've all done it.
15:15Did you choose what powers you'd be put in
15:17or would they put you in the powers?
15:19I was only posing for friends, so, um, I...
15:21Oh, nice friends or...?
15:23This, this, this guy comes out to me, he says...
15:27Scene 11.
15:30Exterior.
15:31Los Files Dog Pound.
15:33Our hero Rex approaches a mangy looking guard dog called Taco.
15:37Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you.
15:39I'm looking for a mutt.
15:41Goes by the name of Woolly.
15:43You seen him?
15:45Maybe.
15:47Maybe ain't no kinda answer.
15:50Who's asking?
15:52Rex is asking.
15:54Yes, just Rex.
15:56So if you see him,
15:58you be a good boy and let him know I'm looking for him.
16:01Taco.
16:03If you don't,
16:05then Taco's going home in a doggy bag.
16:08Catch my whiff.
16:10And cut it! Brilliant!
16:13Excellent. Good dog.
16:14You do look fantastic on camera, I have to say.
16:19It's alright.
16:20Wonderful earlobes.
16:21Have you ever done any CGI work?
16:23No.
16:24It would require you, um, getting changed, though.
16:27Okay.
16:29Oh, you look splendid.
16:30Really wonderful.
16:32That's great.
16:33Yes, marvellous.
16:35Okay.
16:36Brilliant.
16:37You are now rendered completely invisible by our camera.
16:41Can you just wave your hands?
16:42I want to see if there's any kind of movement.
16:44Make a noise.
16:45Here I am.
16:46I can't see you at all.
16:47No.
16:48Even the dog can't give me away.
16:49Nothing can.
16:50Are you, uh, going back to camel toe, uh, to, uh, where?
16:53Balam.
16:54Balam, Balam, that's it.
16:55No, no, no.
16:56I was thinking of, uh, camel toe.
16:57I mean, uh, uh, dalich.
16:59Yeah.
17:00Nice.
17:01Okay.
17:02Brilliant.
17:03Can I help you with something?
17:04Come and do it now, please.
17:06Welcome back.
17:08Um, in the last part, uh, my friend and colleague and co-artist, Vic, allowed me to observe a life
17:18class.
17:19This class has been going for how long?
17:20Since the beginning of September.
17:22Right.
17:23Right.
17:24So a long time.
17:25So they've been doing the same thing and over and over and over again.
17:26Uh, they've been...
17:27Once a week for three hours.
17:28Variations.
17:29The innovation I have brought will enlighten Vic's, um, class.
17:34Why don't you step outside and then make an entrance.
17:37Would that be alright?
17:38Lovely.
17:39Great.
17:40Great.
17:41Um, what do you think of Vic as a teacher?
17:49Hold on.
17:50Not yet.
17:51Have you felt that my presence here has helped you more than perhaps Vic's?
17:57Uh...
17:58Hold on.
17:59Just a second.
18:00We're just dialining the camera shot up here.
18:01Yes.
18:02Sorry.
18:03Yeah, it's just probably a different person's opinion on all of us.
18:07Yes.
18:08But you found it very enlightening.
18:09Yeah.
18:10Excellent.
18:11Wonderful.
18:12I like you already.
18:13And, um, my little pony here.
18:14Would you say I was better than...
18:15Sorry, we're just, um...
18:16Are you ready?
18:17Oh, right.
18:18Sorry.
18:19Biting my time.
18:20Oh, no.
18:21Sorry.
18:22Sorry.
18:23I just, um, wanted to make sure they were alright with everything.
18:24Yes.
18:25But they're fine now.
18:26So you can make your entrance.
18:27No, but you have to close the door first.
18:28Sorry.
18:29Yes.
18:30Sorry.
18:31It's day one in Rickmansworth.
18:32And it's time for Terry's Mane.
18:33That's for you, darling.
18:34That is fine.
18:35Absolutely great.
18:36I love chips.
18:37Oh, my God.
18:38These chips are awful.
18:39Shall we open one of yours?
18:40Oh, God.
18:41That's all I'm saying.
18:42Give as good as you get.
18:43I give better, darling.
18:44Believe me.
18:45All right.
18:4620 minutes upstairs with me.
18:47You'll change your religious beliefs.
18:48I'm not religious.
18:49All right.
18:50Don't worry.
18:51You will be.
18:52You'll be bound down to the god of Terry.
18:53Yeah.
18:54And it's two golden balls.
18:55Charming.
18:56Oh, gross.
18:57No.
18:58No.
18:59No.
19:00No.
19:01No.
19:02No.
19:03No.
19:04No.
19:05No.
19:06No.
19:07No.
19:08No.
19:09No.
19:10No.
19:11No.
19:12No.
19:13No.
19:14No.
19:15No.
19:16No.
19:17No.
19:18No.
19:19No.
19:20No.
19:21No.
19:22No.
19:23No.
19:24No.
19:25No.
19:26No.
19:27No.
19:28No.
19:29No.
19:30No.
19:31No.
19:32No.
19:33No.
19:34No.
19:35No.
19:36No.
19:37No.
19:38No.
19:39No.
19:40No.
19:41No.
19:42No.
19:43No.
19:44No.
19:45No.
19:46No.
19:47No.
19:48No.
19:49No.
19:50It would be terrible to have failed such a challenge in front of all your class.
19:56I believe you've met your match. Time to take you off your pedestal.
20:01There's only one true artist in this room whose name begins with a B.
20:06Duh!
20:08I, Brian Badondi, challenged Bic to a duel.
20:16He accepted.
20:19How are you feeling, Bic? In two words.
20:22Quietly confident.
20:24I'm feeling quietly confident. How are you feeling, Bic?
20:28Hold it. We are now going to unveil to the class the results.
20:32Ready?
20:33Yes.
20:34Ban!
20:36Bo!
20:39Ban!
20:42Fuck. Sorry. Can we just do that again? Sorry.
20:48Ban!
20:49So there you have it. The class have voted clearly. Six to one in my favour. How do you feel?
21:01But...
21:02But...
21:03So as a loser, Nick has gracefully conceded and agreed to let me continue without him. So, Nick, if you wouldn't mind residing into the, uh, scene bin. Then I shall continue sharing these pupils' art.
21:16With Brian Badondi. I might just stay put. But now you have to go. Because it's my share.
21:31It's my class now. It's my class now. It's my class now. It's my class now. But it's my show.
21:48It's time for dessert at Casa de Terry. But the man himself is nowhere to be seen.
21:53Remember, he's from a totally different league of people. He's from the millionaire's road. And when you try and impress people for music...
22:01I can hear music. Hello. That sounds like La Bamba's surprise now. Terry!
22:07Oh! Terry's extravagant dessert may have bought him some extra points.
22:13What can I do for you, sweetie? But ever eager to please, he's got one final course to serve up.
22:18Tell him, right, just when you thought he shot his load, all of your bits, um, he's real load. I like everyone to get his shoes off. I'll meet me outside, in the party hall.
22:31It may be late in the evening, but Terry's sense of showmanship remains undiminished.
22:36Keep focused, yeah? Yes.
22:39On a box. Okay. Oh, wow. I thought he's got fireworks. Oh, shit. Oh, here they are. They are.
22:45Get ready. Yeah, yeah. For Ukraine's finest. Know what?
22:53Whoa!
22:57Vladimir, he's a very good friend of mine. He gets his stuff bootleg. You won't believe him.
23:01Are we safe enough here? Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah.
23:09Oh, that's the one, eh?
23:11I got the...
23:13Whoa!
23:17Fuck, shit!
23:22Fuck! Stop!
23:27I'm fucking up.
23:29Uh, roof of the house on fire.
23:33Garden's on fire.
23:35Uh, kalpa was on fire.
23:37Uh, but it blew out.
23:38pull her out and the night was half so far about give me a temp for this one
23:46bye bye
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