- 5 hours ago
Tv, Facejacker Season 2 Episode 4
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😹
FunTranscript
00:00I'll film you, Dad.
00:20Yeah, well, what do you want me to talk about?
00:21Well, you know, you've arrived in America and you're going to do a talk show.
00:24Yeah, I have, yeah, yeah. I'm a bit nervous.
00:26Are you nervous?
00:27Oh, yeah, fucking up. I've never done anything like this before.
00:30That's right, you've been on TV before, Dad.
00:32I've been on TV, yeah, but, you know, this is what we're different.
00:35This is my own shop, you know. This is my own shop.
00:39Terry! Terry! Terry!
00:42What's up, here? How are you?
00:43Dad, that's the total.
00:44Hey, Terry! Terry!
00:46You look nervous. Yeah, good.
00:48It's up, there you go.
00:49And you look bald, and you look short.
00:50How's that?
00:57Hello, everyone.
01:04How are you?
01:05Oh, yeah.
01:05I love you.
01:06Yeah!
01:07Oh, yeah.
01:08Oh, yeah.
01:09Oh, yeah.
01:10Oh, yeah.
01:11A bit lighter, a bit lighter.
01:13How you doing?
01:13You all right?
01:14How are you on the end there?
01:15Beautiful.
01:16Lovely, lovely, lovely.
01:17Oh, wow.
01:18Beautiful.
01:18Here we are.
01:18Hello, welcome to Talk to Towie.
01:22My name's Towie, and today, we're going to be talking to some very interesting people.
01:28Ain't that right?
01:29Yeah!
01:30After the break, we meet Charlene, who met her husband, Valentine, on Facebook, but still
01:34hasn't met him in real life.
01:36I'd like to take you off Valentine's hands and show you what a three-dimensional love is
01:42all about.
01:43That's what I'm talking about.
01:44That's what I'm talking about.
01:46I'm going to do Facebook, yeah?
01:47Only poker that's going to be down is right on now.
01:51How exciting!
01:52How exciting!
01:53How exciting!
01:54Ah, ah.
02:03Oh, what's America like?
02:05Well, there's palm trees and there's fat people.
02:07Really?
02:08Is that not just a cliche when I achieve it?
02:10It's absolutely true.
02:11All I've met are fat people and the palm trees.
02:14I haven't met a palm tree, you know?
02:15I mean, I would go up to a palm tree and say, hello.
02:16You're all rather tall, aren't you?
02:19Oh, look, I could see you nuts.
02:21It seems that I've won yet another competition.
02:25This time to spend a day with two other competition winners and chaperone on the set of the Hot
02:33Shots Calendar Photoshoot featuring girls and guns.
02:38There's quite a debate going around, though.
02:40There isn't there about should I own a gun and then kill someone with it or should I not?
02:45Sorry?
02:46Sorry?
02:46Sorry?
02:47Are you listening?
02:49There's a surprise.
02:50Where do those go?
02:52Well, they go in the gun, don't they?
02:54Obviously, they're bullets.
02:56You're a bright spark, aren't you?
02:59Hello?
03:00Everyone's talking about guns.
03:02Are you bored?
03:03Yes, I am.
03:04Yes.
03:05Why would you want to play with guns when you can play with you, too?
03:07You're carrying some heavy artillery of your own, I see.
03:12I'm surrounded.
03:14Please don't shoot.
03:16There's no danger of me shooting, that's for sure.
03:18Not anymore, anyway.
03:21Go to town.
03:21Go to town.
03:22Go by DVD.
03:23Now!
03:24Tasha.
03:25Yes.
03:26What do you think she should do?
03:27I think she need to find a man.
03:29Tasha has a little surprise for you, Shaolin.
03:32Let's bring out a surprise!
03:43What's your name, cowboy?
03:44My name is Mark.
03:46Your name is Mark.
03:47Now, Mark.
03:48Mark.
03:49Mark.
03:50Oh, Mark.
03:50Sorry, sorry, sorry.
03:52Oh, sorry, sorry.
03:53I thought it was like, you know, Mark, Muhammad, Mark.
03:56American names, you know, they'll be different.
03:59Now, Mark.
04:00Mark.
04:01I said that.
04:02But I'd like to send you, Shaolin, and my Mark, to an all-expansive plant, dinner for two,
04:10at the Olive Garden.
04:11How does that sound?
04:13Oh, you can eat breadsticks for $22.
04:17We'll see you after the break.
04:18Yeah!
04:20Gary!
04:21Gary!
04:22Gary!
04:23Gary!
04:24Gary!
04:25Gary!
04:26Next up, we meet Cleveland, whose friends want him to prove he's not gay, using a lie detector.
04:31Cleveland, are you a guy?
04:36No.
04:37He's not a guy.
04:39I thought you said gay.
04:40I thought you said gay.
04:41No, I did say that.
04:42No, wait.
04:42I did say that.
04:44Fuckin' hell.
04:44I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know what you're lookin' at.
04:49Lookin' at.
04:50My booty.
04:51I know what you want to tap.
04:54Want to tap.
04:55My booty.
04:57Yo, discusi, ma'am.
05:06I just love the Beatles.
05:08My, my, what a cute little baby.
05:10I have nine myself.
05:12Nine?
05:12My ovaries can't take much more, you know, but my husband is such a randy fellow.
05:17As soon as one pops out, he pops another one in.
05:20Oh, Beatles fans.
05:22Are you looking to recreate the famous Beatles album cover?
05:26Yes.
05:26I'm going to stop the traffic and you are going to take the optimal picture.
05:30Okay?
05:31Wait, stop.
05:32There are two of these taking photographs.
05:35Whoops.
05:36You nearly ran over my foot.
05:38Quickly.
05:38It's okay.
05:40I got you.
05:40I got your back.
05:44Wait, wait.
05:44I'm pressing the road.
05:46Thank you so much.
05:47That's quite right.
05:49Did you get the picture?
05:50Oh, yeah.
05:51He took several.
05:52Oh, that's great.
05:53Shall we say three or four?
05:55Oh, no.
05:55He took like seven or eight.
05:56Seven or eight.
05:58Oh, my God.
05:59Lovely.
06:00So, do you have a major credit card?
06:03I do.
06:04Excellent.
06:05I'll do a little deal for you.
06:06Lovely.
06:06So, it says seven photographs, said £25 each.
06:11It says £125.
06:14£125?
06:15Yes.
06:17This is Abbey Road.
06:19This is home of the Beatles.
06:22John?
06:23So, we're being charged for the stopping?
06:25No, you're not.
06:26Yes, I am.
06:26No, you're absolutely not.
06:28Yes, I am, sir.
06:29This is a public road.
06:30No, I know, sir.
06:31I'm providing a service, sir.
06:33I'm offended.
06:35You know how many laws?
06:36And laws a day, I say, doing a job.
06:39I say, stop.
06:40The tourists want to take the picture.
06:42Just a major credit card, sir.
06:44A debit card.
06:46A debit card.
06:47Sir, this is outrageous.
06:49I know it.
06:50Well, kiss my ring all day.
06:52I was dead now.
06:52I was dead now.
06:53I was dead now.
06:54I was dead now.
06:54I was dead.
06:55I was dead.
06:55Not you.
06:57What's your name again, please?
07:02Holly.
07:03Holly, I'll go.
07:03I'll just forget the name for that.
07:05So, one of the ladies from the Hot Shots calendar shoot is called Holly.
07:10What's your surname, please?
07:11Holly Piers.
07:12Holly Piers.
07:16From the Hot Shots calendar shoot is called Holly.
07:20Piers.
07:20I have not seen one of them since I've ever seen that one.
07:22Sorry, I'm trying to do a recording here.
07:28Sorry, I'm trying to do a recording.
07:29Can I have a hot shirt?
07:30Piers.
07:31No, I have not.
07:33She's a photographer, a model, and also stroke, the, what are your hobbies to me?
07:38She has no hobbies or talents of any kind, but from being very attractive, which is enough
07:45for most people, not me.
07:47Who's next, please?
07:48A blonde, five foot six, double B's.
07:53It isn't even a size.
07:55It is in my world.
07:58So, what time's lunch, please?
08:00Can we find out?
08:01No, because I did have a number of dietary requirements.
08:03Were you informed of those?
08:05You know what, no.
08:06Are there any meats on the menu?
08:08I don't know.
08:09Because I don't eat beef, chicken, or pork, but I will eat pork, but only if it's surrounded
08:12with batter.
08:13Okay.
08:14Like in a sweet and sour, but I am allergic to the sauce that they put on the sweet and
08:17sour, so I would just request a dry sweet and sour with no sauce.
08:21Not sweet, nor sour.
08:22Okay.
08:23And any MSG products, E numbers, D numbers, D numbers, I'd like to be informed in writing.
08:29Okay.
08:30As far as whether the foods contain those.
08:32If they do, then I'd like photographic evidence that they do not.
08:34And if they don't, then I'd like photographic evidence that they do.
08:37Okay.
08:38Right?
08:38I'm going to go talk to Cal.
08:39Okay?
08:40And no boiled eggs.
08:42Ooh-da-deh, ooh-da-deh, ooh-da-deh, ooh-da-deh, ooh-da-deh, ooh-da-deh, ooh-da-deh, ooh-da-deh.
08:46Now put your hand in here!
08:48Ooh.
08:48I have a friend from the Truth Clinic in Honolulu.
08:53Let's bring out Dr. Norman Dodge!
09:01He's been there for my divorces.
09:05I've always passed with flying callous.
09:08Now, Norman is going to attach Cleveland to a lie detector.
09:12Dr. Norman, is he hooked up to the lie detector machine?
09:18Properly hooked up.
09:19What?
09:20Question one.
09:21Are you guy?
09:24No.
09:26Let's see if he's right.
09:30Cue music, please!
09:33Fucking hell.
09:34Do you think he is or he is?
09:39Yeah, he is.
09:39Yeah.
09:41No.
09:41You're a nurse and body until you know him.
09:43Guy.
09:45Gay!
09:45Oh, yeah.
09:46Yeah.
09:48Yeah.
09:49No.
09:50No.
09:51Seriously.
09:51No.
09:52No.
09:52No.
09:53No.
09:54No.
09:54No.
09:55No.
09:55No.
09:56No.
09:56No.
09:57Yeah.
09:58No.
09:58Yes.
09:59Guy.
09:59Gay.
10:02Doctor.
10:03You're going to redeem me?
10:04Is he telling the truth?
10:06Or was he God?
10:07His answer was not true.
10:11You're crazy!
10:15He's a guy!
10:16He's a guy!
10:17He's a guy!
10:19He's a guy!
10:20He's a guy!
10:21He's a guy!
10:22He's a guy!
10:23He's a guy!
10:24He's a guy!
10:25It's a lover's tip!
10:27It's a lover's tip!
10:28Never mind!
10:29We'll be back after the fight!
10:31My name is Dufresne Constantinople
10:34And I'm in the USA
10:36I met a man who was very fat
10:40Then I met a man who was gay
10:42He said, can I feel your buttocks?
10:45I said, they're absolutely not
10:47That's a disgrace
10:47Then he said, well, what's your name, son?
10:50I said, my name was Dufresne
10:52That's why it's a Dufresne
10:55It's called Dufresne
10:56And so my journey through America
11:02Brings me back
11:04To the breast coast
11:06And so to Venice
11:15Beach
11:16Los Angeles, California
11:18To my right
11:20Three of the finest rappers
11:23Los Angeles has to offer
11:24Introduce yourselves, please
11:26General Jihad
11:27And, um, um, you, sir
11:29One man
11:29One man, just you, the one man
11:31And you?
11:32They call me the Falcon
11:33The Falcon
11:35And how would I greet you?
11:36Say, we saw each other in a shopping center
11:38Or at a hot dog stand or something
11:40First I say, peace
11:41Peace, God
11:42Because we recognize the God within each other
11:44I wonder where General Jihad is
11:47I said, well, hello, General, how are you?
11:50See, stop, stop, stop
11:51We don't say hello
11:53Hello
11:53We say, yo, peace
11:55Peace, God
11:56Peace, God
11:57You know how to be cool
11:58Take your time
12:00Act as if nothing matters
12:02That's how we approach each other
12:04This swag
12:05Yo, peace, Lord
12:06How's it going, God?
12:07Peace, Lord
12:08100, man
12:08What, son?
12:09Could I have a girl now?
12:10That's right?
12:11Yeah, it's swag, baby
12:12The movement gotta be hip-hop
12:14Exactly
12:14You know what I mean?
12:15How are you?
12:17Lovely to see you again
12:18No, brother
12:20No, no, no
12:20A little slower
12:22Yo, dog
12:24How's it hanging?
12:25A little too bouncy
12:26Two married posses
12:27Yo, peace
12:30God
12:31Jesus
12:32Christ
12:32You almost got it
12:33You almost got it
12:34Peace, God
12:36Peace to the gods
12:37Yo, Lord
12:39What's up, baby?
12:40How you doing?
12:40Very good
12:41How are you?
12:42Jesus
12:42Oh, well, my name is Aaron
12:44I'm the brother of Moses
12:45To be exact
12:46The leader of the Hebrews
12:47Thank you
12:47Wonderful
12:47Maybe I'll part my Red Sea
12:49For you later
12:50Toei's special sauce
12:54Toei's special sauce
12:55Is a proud sponsor
12:56A to-to-toe
12:57My son is in the audience tonight
13:01Lionel, where are you?
13:02Where are you, Lionel?
13:03My son, Lionel
13:04My son, Lionel, everyone
13:05I love you, son
13:06Brings a tear to my heart
13:09You know, when I see my son
13:11You know, it's
13:11Lionel
13:13There's something I need to tell you
13:18You're not really my son, Lionel
13:28I find you
13:32In a wheelie bin
13:34But
13:36In a dirty napkin
13:39And I want to find yourself
13:42It's how the music down a bit
13:45Don't be good to feel tender
13:46When it's loud music
13:48That's better
13:49What was that?
13:50Oh, yeah
13:50Lionel
13:51You were adopted
13:52Really?
13:55I'm sorry, son
13:56Of course you're not adopted
14:00It's how's Annie fucking with you
14:02Let's go with the show
14:04Hello
14:08Yes, thank you
14:10If you don't mind
14:11There's a very exciting
14:12Comedy bit about to begin now
14:14And you're sat there
14:14You know, with your fingers
14:15Up your girlfriend
14:16Crispy prawn
14:17That was disgustin'
14:27Do you need some?
14:28No, thank you
14:29Looks a bit chemical
14:30So there's your tan
14:32You smell lovely now
14:36Thank you
14:37Ready guys
14:38One, two, three, and three
14:40Ow, ow, fuck, shit
14:42I did, I did
14:43You okay?
14:44Can you see?
14:44I can't, I can't
14:45I have a photo sensitive eyes
14:47I need to go out into the sunlight
14:49Can you help me, please?
14:50Which way is it, please?
14:52Please?
14:53Oh, someone, please
14:55Which way?
14:58No
14:58I'm blind
15:00I'm blind
15:00I can't feel my wetter
15:02Stop, stop
15:02Oh
15:03Ow
15:04Stop
15:04Wait, wait
15:06That's all right
15:06That's all right
15:07You're outside now
15:08Stop
15:08Oh, thank God
15:09Stop
15:09These old opticians nearby
15:11Hang about, I saw him move his legs
15:14Would you allow me into your
15:16Hold on
15:16Go away
15:18We're used to that
15:19We call that the yellow bird
15:20Right
15:21We're used to that
15:22I've seen that on television
15:23But what comes over the spotlight
15:24And there's someone running
15:25It's like, oh no
15:25There's a helicopter chasing me
15:27Quick, I've got a car stereo in my pocket
15:29And you know they try and jump in
15:31It's quite fun
15:31Not for us
15:33No
15:34Not at all
15:34Yes
15:35Right, I want to try some rapping now, please
15:37Okay
15:37Are you sure about that, bro?
15:38Yes, I would
15:39Are you going to provide a beat for me, or how does that work?
15:41No, we want to hear you go acapella
15:43So you can hear yourself think
15:44Acapella
15:45Here, sat on the grassy knoll
15:51With three men who I don't know, but
15:53They're really cool, I think so, what
15:55Jam I wearing, is it good?
15:58They say, no, I should, should, should
16:00Have worn some black or white or blue
16:02Ooh, ooh, now I feel a bit poo
16:04No, it isn't total crap
16:06This is Brian coming at you, dog
16:10You know what?
16:11That was actually good for a beginning
16:13That was actually, yeah, that's good
16:14That was shit
16:16I want to hear that shit
16:17Hey, you're a big bully
16:19You're standing at the back with your arms crossed like a big bully
16:21Not everybody is fans of the music
16:24Really?
16:25So how would I embrace the non-fans, then?
16:28Well, thank you
16:28Thank you
16:30For your words that you express
16:32Thank you for your letter
16:33For your words that you express
16:34Hopefully I can do something that you will appreciate one day
16:36Hopefully I can do something that you will appreciate one day
16:39You mean it, bro
16:39You gotta mean it when you tell them
16:41No, generally have a great day
16:43And suck on that, fuckface
16:46That's not hip-hop
16:47If you don't have criticism
16:48I see that all the time
16:49You're always touching a bit
16:50Yeah, but it's not to the fan
16:51Is it not?
16:52No, because they're itchy?
16:53Before the break, we met Leah
16:58We're tired of men doing us wrong
17:01She wants to lay a trap
17:02High bush, high bush
17:04For her cheating ex-boyfriend, Rashad
17:07Rashad thinks that he is going to reconcile with his long-lost lover
17:14Right, let's get rid of the girls
17:15And let's bring out Rashad
17:17Here comes Rashad
17:23Rashad, welcome
17:34So, welcome to
17:38Now, do you know
17:43Oh, Jesus Christ
17:45Do you know why you're here, Rashad?
17:48It's funny about one of my exes
17:50That's one
17:51It doesn't look very comfortable, does it?
17:53Do we want to bring out the source of that uncomfortable face?
17:58Yes
17:58Here come the girl
18:02I'm Bush, I'm Bush
18:05I'm Bush, I'm Bush, I'm Bush, I'm Bush
18:08He's cringing
18:10He's going
18:10I don't know what to say, man
18:16It's time to talk
18:18It's time to talk
18:19It's time to talk
18:21To tell me
18:22To tell me
18:23So, talk
18:25I cheated a couple times
18:28Get down to one knee
18:30That's what I do
18:30Get down to one knee
18:35And beg that girl for forgiveness
18:36Get down to one knee
18:38Get down to one knee
18:40Get down to one knee
18:41Get down to one knee
18:43Yeah, yeah, that's right
18:46That's right
18:47That's right, too
18:48Yeah
18:49Yeah
18:50Turn the lights down
18:52Give me some music
18:53Give me some nice music
18:54Oh, Lord
18:57Cry, cry, everyone
18:59Cry, it's a big moment
19:00I apologize for hurting you
19:02In all the ways I hurt you
19:03I never mean to do it
19:04I hope that you forgive me
19:06What do you say?
19:10What do you say?
19:11What do you say?
19:16Well done
19:17Well done
19:18Ah
19:19It's an only barcode
19:24This is much better than Joey Springer
19:28Yeah, yeah
19:29No
19:31Fuck up
19:32I'd like to join your crew
19:33For one final peddly
19:35Will you have me?
19:39Absolutely
19:40Right, okay, great
19:41All right
19:45Wow
19:46That's pretty good, yo
19:47I got you
19:48That's nice
19:48I teach him seeds like
19:50God did Moses with the burning bush
19:51I let him know all for the top
19:53General give the push
19:54Push the order
19:55To lead him wacky seed slave
19:57And let him know all for the top
19:58They got seven days
19:59It's no question
20:00Who the best in
20:01This game
20:02You just better know we take aim
20:04Don't break the cycle
20:05Wait your turn
20:06Other than that
20:07You be like fire
20:08You getting burned
20:09If you touch it
20:09Don't come too close
20:11You jump the queue
20:12It was my girl, bro
20:14And so
20:15Here we are in Venice
20:16I'm not really a menace
20:19I'm just ramming with my new cypher crew
20:21Falcon Crest
20:22General Jihad
20:23And the one in the back two
20:24We're here
20:25In LA crew
20:26I like it
20:28Thank you
20:29Cut, cut, cut
20:30Cut, cut
20:31One man, we outlawed
20:33This dude's crazy, man
20:34I'm the script writer
20:38Well, I tell you
20:38I'm the script editor
20:39Well, I didn't edit scripts
20:41That I also write
20:41Well, I did
20:42I wrote a script
20:43That I once edited
20:43It's called the editor
20:44It's very confusing
20:46Sorry, who's employed you today?
20:48Kelly
20:48Right, okay
20:50Because I have actually
20:51I filled out a feedback form
20:52Oh, really?
20:53Grading you on performance
20:55Punctuality
20:56Friendliness
20:57Happiness
20:57And the looks
20:59If you want
21:00You can give it to her
21:01Or I can give it to her
21:02No, that's all right
21:03I'll be giving it to her
21:04It's probably better
21:05You don't read it
21:05Okay
21:06Do you want me to call you Kevin?
21:08So you haven't done it already?
21:09No, I'm doing it now
21:10All right, I'll just update my feedback report there
21:13Because it should have been ready for me
21:15You see
21:15It's the thing
21:16Okay
21:16So it's another
21:17Do what you please
21:18Oh, I absolutely will
21:19I mean, that's what I do
21:21Great
21:22Well, I'll be submitting that to your employer
21:24And then
21:25Good luck finding another job
21:27Thank you
21:30Come and go now, please
21:31Thank you
21:32Absolute disgrace
21:33I'd like to thank
21:35All of the wonderful sports tonight
21:38Who've given us a slice of their lives
21:40But what I'd like to say is my
21:42Was Toey's final thought
21:44Is this
21:46What's it all about
21:50This thing called love
21:52Tell her she's the one
21:54Yet another
21:54Up the duff
21:55Some like it nasty
21:57Others like it tame
21:59Some they blame the player
22:01But the player
22:01Blames the game
22:02What's this all about
22:05This thing called life
22:06Is it have a good time
22:08Or is it get a wife
22:09Is it Reebok, Fila, Adidas
22:12Or Nike
22:13Coca-Cola, Pepsi
22:157-Up
22:16Or Sprite
22:17Fact if I know
22:19My name's been Terry Timbs
22:20This is Talk to Terry
22:21Thank you again how much love
22:23Let's rock
22:24All right
22:26Yeah
22:27Beautiful
22:28Beautiful, yeah
22:30Terry
22:30Yeah
22:31That's me
22:33That's me
22:33Oh my
22:34That's so I
22:35That's so I
22:36That's so I
22:37That's so I
22:40I'm okay
22:41I'm okay
22:41I'm alright
22:42I'm toey
22:44I'm in toey
22:45Thank you
22:46Thank you
22:46Ah, fucking
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