- 4 hours ago
Tv, Facejacker - Season 1 Episode 4
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00music
00:25I got my own TV shop, alright?
00:27Lizards Laugh
00:29It's not the name I wanted to call it to be honest
00:32I wanted to call it Terry's Hall
00:35Are you man enough to enter Terry's Hall?
00:43Crystal Jones, business proposition
00:46Talk to me
00:48Basically, I'm going to mix black and white photography with gemstones
00:53And how long it take you to make one of those t-shirts?
00:56It depends because I don't use them
00:58Depends is not an answer you can use in business
01:00I'll tell you what depends gets ya
01:02Depends gets ya
01:03Number two in the doku
01:05Come up now
01:06Oh you again
01:07As a baby
01:08You've designed a board game, yeah?
01:10Yeah
01:11Where people move around a board game
01:13Yeah
01:14Buying things
01:15Yeah
01:16Yeah
01:17Now would these things happen to be say
01:19Streets?
01:20No
01:21Hotels?
01:22No
01:23Houses?
01:24No
01:25Four houses then you buy a hotel
01:26No
01:27Is there a community chest?
01:28No
01:29Do you pass gold?
01:30Yes
01:31You do
01:32Yeah
01:33Do you collect 200 pounds?
01:34No
01:35You don't
01:36How much you want for 40 grand investment?
01:3930%
01:4090%
01:41No
01:42Listen
01:43I don't usually go down for anyone
01:45Including Latvian prostitutes
01:47Okay
01:48I did it once
01:49I will not be doing it again
01:51My offer to you
01:53Is to make a range
01:55Of Terry Tibbs t-shirts
01:57We'll set you up in my front room
01:59And we'll pay you £5.50 an hour
02:03Take care and leave it
02:04If you're gonna leave it
02:05Thank you
02:06Good night and much love
02:07I'm going to have to leave it then
02:09Eh?
02:10She's gonna leave it
02:12Is that
02:13What?
02:14Is she allowed to leave it?
02:15You got a board game
02:16That's what you got
02:17No
02:18Oh yeah
02:19Can't we put a DVD on?
02:20Can't we put something nice on the telly?
02:22Yeah
02:23I don't want to sit here and play this shit
02:25I tell you
02:26Your head says no
02:27But your balls say yes
02:28Come on
02:29They're tingling aren't they?
02:30I can feel them
02:3140 grand
02:3240 grand
02:33His head says no
02:35But his balls say yes
02:38Head says no
02:40Thank you
02:41Balls say yes
02:42Head
02:44No
02:46Balls
02:48Yes
02:49This guy comes out to me and says
02:51He says
02:57Welcome back to volume 4
02:59Do you know how to get to the Tower of London?
03:01Just keep walking that way
03:02Yes?
03:03Just keep walking
03:04Okay, thank you
03:05Hey yeah, this is it
03:07The Tower of London
03:09Would you like a picture taken with a genuine bivita?
03:12I see
03:14I see
03:15You would like to take a picture
03:16Yes!
03:17Of course you can take a picture with me
03:20No problem
03:22Come, let's go to the hot spot
03:23Yeah, absolutely
03:24Yes
03:25What is your name?
03:27Polly
03:28Polly
03:29Polly, where are you from?
03:30San Francisco
03:31San Francisco
03:32The home of the gangs and the tramps
03:34Oh!
03:35Oh!
03:36Yes!
03:37No!
03:38My sister-in-law was conceived in San Francisco
03:39She was?
03:40Yes!
03:41There you go
03:42That's one
03:44Wait, I need one
03:45That was blurry
03:46Okay, that's okay
03:47It's two for one
03:48It's half the hour
03:49How do you
03:50You go into the
03:51Regular military service
03:52Or special military service?
03:54The
03:57I'm a bivita
03:59Right
04:00So basically that means that
04:02I get to wear this wonderful uniform
04:05And also
04:06Oh, so you weren't necessarily in military service
04:09Military?
04:10No, yes, yes
04:11But only as a child
04:12Oh
04:13Yes, yes
04:14Back in Uganda
04:15Yes, yes
04:16We had a choice
04:17My fifth birthday
04:19My mother, she says to me
04:21Either you can join the military
04:23Or you can go work for the card brace
04:27Oh my goodness
04:28You know, picking the cocoa leaves
04:29You like kid cards?
04:30At the age of five
04:31Yeah, but you wouldn't want your five-year-old doing it
04:33No, definitely not
04:34But anyway, that's two photos
04:35So that's 20 English pounds, please
04:37I take a credit card
04:3920 English pounds?
04:41Yes
04:42I'm a genuine bivita
04:44No
04:45No
04:46No
04:47No
04:48No
04:49How about I'll give you five pounds?
04:52No, no, no
04:53About 20 pounds is fine
04:54No, no, no, no
04:55We took them for free down there
04:57Well, that was very sneaky of you
04:58But those bivitas down there
05:00They are not the genuine bivita
05:01No
05:02I'm the genuine bivita
05:03I'm not going to pay you
05:04No, but I take a master card
05:05No, I'm not going to pay you
05:06American Express
05:07You told me to begin with
05:08No, I did, I did
05:09A visa card
05:10No
05:11A switch
05:12Solo
05:13Nectar card
05:14Anything
05:15But at
05:16What's advantage?
05:17Oh
05:18Oh, shut up
05:22We are here in Barton Abbey Bills
05:25Where I, Brian, will be observing Roma
05:29Who has been teaching pottery for...
05:3145 years, I think
05:33Really?
05:34Oh my god
05:36How old are you?
05:3765
05:3865
05:39My god
05:40You don't look a dare of a 60
05:41Oh
05:42Is he always so nice?
05:43Oh yes, always
05:47Look how delicate he is
05:48How carefully he places it on the, um
05:51On the, uh
05:52What's that called?
05:53On the, uh
05:54The plank of wood
05:55Right
05:57Look how delicate he is
05:58Sorry, I could just place it on again
06:01Thanks
06:02From here?
06:03Yes, here's good
06:04Okay
06:05Oh, hold on
06:06Not yet
06:07Not yet
06:08Thank you
06:11And place
06:13Well, what how delicately he, um
06:15He places the, uh
06:17The, um
06:18Oh god, what's it called?
06:19I'm sorry
06:20The bow
06:21The bow
06:22The bow
06:23The bow
06:24The bow
06:25The bow
06:26Bow
06:27Bow
06:28Bow
06:29Bow, yeah
06:30Can we do it one more, sorry?
06:31Just one small
06:32Yes
06:33Yes, great, great
06:34Now here is the bow that, um
06:36I prepared earlier
06:37And now, um
06:38What's your name, sorry?
06:39Brett
06:40Brett
06:41Brett is doing the finishing touches to it
06:43Watch how carefully he handles my work
06:45And places it very gingerly
06:47On the, um
06:49On the, uh
06:51Sorry, what's this called again?
06:52The plank
06:53The plank
06:54The plank
06:55The plank, the plank, right?
06:56Okay
06:57Right
06:58Photographs
06:59The plank
07:00The plank
07:01The plank
07:02The plank
07:03The plank
07:04The plank
07:08The plank
07:09Good morning Terry
07:10Afternoon
07:11Afternoon Terry or evening
07:12My name is John
07:13My name is Lionel
07:14Yeah
07:15Hi, that's my son
07:16Okay John, you got three minutes
07:18Away you go
07:19Uh, this is the key to my project
07:21This is my project.
07:26That's a thing to do BMXs with.
07:28Is it?
07:29One million pound Crystal Palace project.
07:35This project is summed up...
07:38He cut to the chase, please. What do you want?
07:40I want a million pounds.
07:42A million pounds?
07:44He wants a million pounds.
07:46And we'll have this.
07:47I don't know, one place.
07:48Right, what's in this pavilion?
07:50People will be going into it to visit it.
07:52Where's the gift shop going to be, though?
07:54The whole of that structure...
07:57We could put Tesco's Local just on the corner there, yeah?
08:00I like it.
08:01Yeah, well, you know what? I don't, and I'll tell you why.
08:03Yes.
08:04You want to take Crystal Palace, yeah?
08:06The pride of this nation, yeah?
08:07Yes.
08:08And you want to sell it off to these faceless, charlest,
08:12conniving, exploitative corporations for vast sums of money.
08:17Is that what you're saying?
08:18No, that was your idea.
08:19Is that what you're saying?
08:20No, I didn't say that. You said that.
08:21What did you say?
08:22What I'm saying is, this is the most iconic British building.
08:26This is the first British building.
08:28It's the start of modern world architecture.
08:30Yeah, yeah, and you want to sell it off to the car farm warehouse.
08:32I didn't say that. You said that.
08:34And you said, yeah, that sounds like a great idea.
08:36What do you plan on doing with the Crystal Palace when we rebuild it?
08:41This is a tenderish...
08:43I mean, I might as well take this money now and fire it at the wall.
08:48I'll take off.
08:49In 2010 is the World Expo in Shanghai.
08:52Yeah.
08:53In 2015 is the World Expo in Milan.
08:56And there's a S&M Expo next month for Earl's Court.
08:59But it doesn't mean I'm going to go down there with a flicky brush and a 12 inch dildo.
09:04Does it?
09:05Pardon?
09:06Huh?
09:07Sorry.
09:08You don't speak French. Never mind.
09:09How long is it going to take to belt?
09:11This?
09:12Yeah.
09:13If you give me the money today...
09:14Yeah.
09:15...or we'll go over to Germany, you and me together, because you'll see we're invited...
09:18Oh, now we're going to go over to Germany!
09:20...and we could have it up for the Crystal Palace Festival on June the 6th this year.
09:24You mean to tell me, if I give you 50,000 pounds right now, in June of this year, in the middle of Hyde Park, we're going to have the Crystal Palace bigger, brighter, glassier, and more crystal than ever before, yeah?
09:41Yeah?
09:42You're almost right. No, in Hyde Park, 2010, on May the 1st. On June the 6th...
09:47Hang about. Wait, wait, wait. You're saying June, now you're saying May 2010.
09:50No, no, no.
09:51You're like an Irish builder. Where's my patio? Where's my skylight? Oh, I didn't tell you. It'll be ready in 2010.
09:57For 50,000 pounds, I'll guarantee you can see what it's going to buy you.
10:03Joseph and his Technicolor Dreamhouse. I'm not interested.
10:07Okay.
10:08Thank you. Good night. Much love.
10:10Pardon you.
10:12You have to move on from here, sir. This is our property.
10:14Who are you?
10:15I'm from the tower, sir.
10:17No, no. I'm from the tower.
10:18No, no. No, you're not, sir.
10:19Yes, I am. Then this is clearly a counterfeit. I mean, look at it.
10:22Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll call up the police, sir.
10:24There's no need to call the police. I'm just, you know, I'm trying to eat some beef here, and you're trying to out-eat me with the beef?
10:29This gentleman is an impostor. He's claiming to be a beef eater, but he's got his colors completely wrong. I eat more beef than you.
10:37You're beef jacket.
10:39I eat more beef.
10:41Welcome to Audio Tours Cambridge. The most incredible audio tour in the world. Please put on your headphones. Your audio tour is about to begin.
10:53To your left are a series of telephone boxes. Take a good look at them. That's right. They're not actually telephone boxes. It's actually an art installation.
11:04I don't think that's true, though. He's on the phone.
11:08One of the artists sometimes stands inside the telephone box to make it look like it's really working. Can you see him? Knock on the window and say hello if you can.
11:20Hello.
11:22What did you do that for?
11:24Oh, sorry, because we've been told to on the headphones.
11:29The wrought iron gates are not actually made from wrought iron. Run your hands up and down and see if you can guess what they're made from.
11:38Sorry.
11:39That's right. They're made from ancient century cocoa beans.
11:44Cocoa beans?
11:45Give your hand a smell. You can almost smell the chocolate. Remember to wash your hands afterwards as this is potentially very hazardous.
11:54Wrought iron gates are thought to be cancerous. But don't worry. This is Cambridge. Everything will be just fine.
12:01This is all exciting.
12:02Oh, grow up!
12:05Welcome back. I'm going to advise Roma on how to become a better potter than she already is.
12:12Oh, no. You should throw a pot.
12:15I, um...
12:17I'd rather not.
12:19I'm just a bit, um...
12:20If you let me get it in the middle...
12:21Bah!
12:22...and you just do the...
12:23Bah!
12:24Bah!
12:25...exciting bits.
12:26Bah!
12:27Bah!
12:28That's, um, very tempting, um, uh, Roma, but, um...
12:33I had a little incident in, um...
12:3798.
12:38And I wouldn't want to...
12:41I...
12:42wouldn't...
12:43Bah!
12:44Bah!
12:45Bah!
12:46Bah!
12:47Bah!
12:48Bah!
12:49Bah!
12:50Bah!
12:51Bah!
12:52Bah!
12:53Bah!
12:54Bah!
12:55I'm sure you wouldn't suffer a relapse doing this.
12:56Really?
12:57Mmm.
12:58But I must prepare myself.
13:02Okay.
13:03It's fine.
13:05I'm in safe hands.
13:09Lean on the wheel.
13:14Excellent.
13:16Thumbs together in the middle.
13:18Press down with your thumbs.
13:20This is looking good.
13:28Boo!
13:30Boo!
13:32Boo!
13:33Brass!
13:35Boo! Yes!
13:37Boo!
13:41Boo!
13:43Boo!
13:45Boo!
13:47Boo!
13:49See, you've lost it.
13:51No, no, no, no.
13:53Back will come.
13:55Back will come.
13:57Save it. Darling, save it. Save it. Save it.
14:04Yes. Oh, yes.
14:06I don't know. That's saveable.
14:06No, no, it is.
14:08Oh!
14:17I'd like another one, please.
14:23I don't think so.
14:24One more, please.
14:25Not a home health.
14:26Please.
14:27One more for Brian.
14:29Definitely not.
14:30One more for Brian.
14:31Definitely not.
14:37These are the LEDs.
14:40The World Cup, Football World Cup is coming up.
14:42Yes, yes, yes.
14:42So everyone wants a good TV to watch.
14:45Who's your favorite team?
14:46I support Liverpool.
14:49So you support the Liverpool flag?
14:51Yeah, Liverpool.
14:52Did you follow them in the various tournament,
14:55Champions League, UEFA Cup, FA Cup?
15:00FA Cup?
15:01FA Cup, yes.
15:02FA Cup.
15:03When was the last time Liverpool won the FA Cup?
15:06I just...
15:07You like the FA Cup?
15:08FA Cup.
15:09FA Cup.
15:10You follow the FA Cup?
15:11Yeah, FA Cup.
15:13FA Cup.
15:14Yeah, I like the cup.
15:16I don't know.
15:17He do.
15:17He likes the FA Cup.
15:19FA Cup.
15:20When people, they hear the name Zulfi,
15:27they think of one thing.
15:29The photography or the fast food.
15:32The chicken shish.
15:34The lamb shish.
15:35The chicken shash slick in pita bread with two red onion rings,
15:38lemon lettuce and tomato mat.
15:39Do you nervous to work with Zulfi?
15:41Tell the people I'm nervous to work with Zulfi today.
15:47To be a great fast food photographer,
15:50you must be sensitive to all the elements around you.
15:55Again.
15:57Every salad leaf must be perfect.
15:59Every slice of tomato must be in place.
16:01Every piece of garnish must be...
16:04Again.
16:05Again.
16:06The pita on the right...
16:08I spit on it.
16:10The pita on the left...
16:12I make love to it.
16:14Talk to it.
16:15Talk to it.
16:16Say hello.
16:17Sing to it.
16:18This.
16:19This.
16:20OK.
16:21Not that.
16:22No.
16:23No.
16:24No.
16:25But we find the balance.
16:26Excellent.
16:27I'm ready to shoot.
16:28Chef, go!
16:29Quick, quick, quick.
16:30Over here.
16:31This one lamb.
16:32Here.
16:33Here.
16:34Here.
16:35Here.
16:36Excellent.
16:37No, no, no.
16:38Please.
16:39It must not know.
16:40Chicken must not know.
16:41Must not know what we are about to do.
16:42Give me heart.
16:43Give me tasty.
16:44Give me sweaty.
16:45Give me saucy.
16:46Where?
16:47Where?
16:48Beautiful.
16:49And again.
16:50I take those Big Mac pictures they say to me not good enough.
16:53Not dark enough.
16:54Not American enough.
16:56I say fuck you.
16:57Ronald McDonald.
16:58Suck my pinot.
16:59Hamburglar.
17:00I need you to help me now.
17:04Juice.
17:05Picture.
17:06Less juice.
17:07No juice.
17:08Too much juice.
17:09Stop.
17:10You bring a new element.
17:11You bring a new element.
17:12To the still life.
17:13You bring a new element.
17:14To the still life.
17:20I'm gonna get back to my day job.
17:21And that was shit.
17:23The streets of Cambridge were once thought to be haunted.
17:28Various people were murdered here in the 18th century.
17:33One of the people was a poor innocent pensioner who would drive around on a blue mobility scooter.
17:40He wore a beige jacket, greasy lank hair.
17:44His ghost would ride up and down outside King's College.
17:49They said he's on a blue.
17:52Yeah.
17:53If you see him, doff your cap and make sure you're polite.
17:58How you doing?
18:00The ghost of the old pensioner in the blue mobility scooter.
18:04If you see him, beware.
18:11Hello, man.
18:12You all right?
18:13Yeah, yeah, yeah.
18:14What's up?
18:15Oh, this is it, yeah.
18:16What are we doing today?
18:17Going to see a lawyer, yeah.
18:19All right.
18:20Yeah, yeah.
18:21A few things, but she's left me.
18:24She wants a divorce.
18:25What's your wife's full name?
18:27Tatiana Dovashenko.
18:29Lithuania.
18:30Where's she living at the moment?
18:31I don't know.
18:32It's a thing.
18:33So where can we write to her?
18:34Her work address.
18:36What's her work address?
18:38Pink Pussy Club.
18:40Okay.
18:42And what does she do there?
18:44Well, you know, usual.
18:47How would you...
18:48What would you describe her job as?
18:51A kind of...
18:52A kind of dance.
18:53I mean, it's...
18:54A dancer.
18:55It's a dance, yeah.
18:56She dances, you know.
18:57A dancer's good.
18:58And what about...
18:59Exotic dancer, you know.
19:00You know the time.
19:01Terry, dance is fine for her.
19:02Yeah, okay, well.
19:03And what about you?
19:04I'm not a dancer, no.
19:05No, no, no.
19:06I never dance.
19:07Well, I have dance.
19:08I do like dancing.
19:09I want my own.
19:10Quick shot.
19:11Quick shot.
19:12No!
19:13Oh, the Chinese.
19:14Chinois.
19:15The Chinese.
19:16The Chinese.
19:17Tell him, Zulfi has taken photograph of many things.
19:21The Big Mac.
19:22The Big Mac?
19:24The Zinger with cheese.
19:26Is it ginger?
19:28No, not ginger, no.
19:30Zinger.
19:31Okay.
19:32The Big Mac.
19:33The Big Mac.
19:34The Big Mac.
19:35The Big Mac.
19:36The Big Mac.
19:37The Bargain Bucket.
19:38The Big Mac.
19:39The Bargain Bucket.
19:40And the Family Feast.
19:43Feast.
19:44Feast.
19:45The Family Feast.
19:47The Family Feast.
19:48Feast.
19:49Double Sprite.
19:52Armageddon.
19:54The Glissant one more.
19:56You are black bean.
19:58You are ginger, spring onion.
19:59You are number 22.
20:01Give me the number 22.
20:03Le Beef Le Sprite.
20:05Le Beef Le Sprite.
20:07Le Beef Le Sprite.
20:08Le Beef Le Sprite.
20:10This might take a little bit of a special touch.
20:16Monsieur.
20:18Five minutes.
20:19Take your jacket off please.
20:21Please blow.
20:22Blow.
20:23Blow.
20:24Blow.
20:25Blow.
20:26Make it springy.
20:27Make it rolly.
20:28Roll it down the hill.
20:29Spring.
20:30Spring.
20:31Roll!
20:32I'm your one!!
20:33Yes!
20:34Yes!
20:35I'm your friend!
20:36Yes!
20:37Yes!
20:38Yes!
20:41Yes!
20:42Yes!
20:44Yes!
20:45Yes!
20:46Yes!
20:47Yes!
20:48Yes!
20:49Yes!
20:50Oh!
20:51Oh!
20:52Yes!
20:53Yes!
20:54she believes i've been having sex with another woman while we're both on our honeymoon now come
21:11on do i like the kind of guy that would do something like that i wouldn't like to comment
21:18on that we've also got the fact that she's trying to extort me out of money yeah well that would
21:23come onto the grounds of unreasonable behavior she calls me out right about 3 am yeah she says
21:28there's something under your door doormat what's under your doormat okay what's this a picture of
21:37does that look like me i i can't comment i i don't know who it looks like no but honestly though
21:41because if i end up in court and the judge is like hang about or she doesn't look like she was
21:46choking on a peanut she was choking on a peanut that's the thing lovely total pleasure doing
21:51business with me yeah okay yeah i'll make another appointment and then uh we'll uh we'll uh we'll
21:57we'll get the pitch yeah that's super let's go yeah let's do it yes no that was very funny it wasn't
22:03it though i enjoyed that very much yes and i like the bit where he's got a big plastic face on
22:07quickly brett quickly come around this side come behind come behind oh god tell me fast or slower
22:14speak speak to me brad as you are as you are as i am as you are hmm this feels good make it into
22:24something good make it tall like a tower oh are you hot how's that is that butter i'm okay sorry okay
22:38right okay sorry what are you going to make a bowl a bowl make a big bowl a big bright bowl
22:48you're going to paint it bright colors yeah you like bright colors don't you what's your favorite
22:52color brett uh actually royal blue oh it's my favorite color too along with zanzibar pink violet
23:01oranges and tropical brown do you like tropical brown yes nice earthy color yes oh god it feels good
23:11how's it feel for you more you're good with your hands come on oh god slower slower please you like
23:20it's soft and wet don't you it's soft and wet don't you it's good stay bright are you looking for
23:33somewhere nice to spend an evening in cambridge why not come to lithuanian potato warehouse we have a
23:40wide range of potato based foods including mashed potatoes steamed potatoes fried potatoes
23:49and boiled potatoes and boiled potatoes you know what this is all advertising
24:06you
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