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Short filmTranscript
00:01Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians
00:03Slimey's Chewers, royal Victorian
00:04Woeful wars, ferocious fights
00:05Stingy castles, daring knights
00:07Horrors that did by description
00:08Cutthroat council, full ejection
00:09Vicious vikings, cruel crime
00:11Punish the formation times
00:12Roman rotten, rank and rootless
00:14Cavemen, savage, pierced and tubeless
00:15Groovy Greeks, rainy sages
00:16Mean and missy middle ages
00:18Gory stories, we do that
00:20And your host are talking rats
00:23The past is no longer the mystery
00:26Welcome to...
00:27Horrible Histories
00:31Horrible Histories presents
00:34Futrid Pirates and Salty Sea Dogs
00:37Ahoy there!
00:39Tis I, Captain Ratbeard
00:41Aboard my vessel, the Ratty McCrackface
00:44Aha!
00:46A scurvy ratskull like me
00:48Can travel round the whole world by boat
00:50If he knows what he's doing
00:52Sadly, I haven't got a clue
00:54I'm lost already
00:56Help!
00:57Has anyone got a ratnav?
00:59Or a viking?
01:01They had loads of ingenious ways of navigating the oceans
01:05Long before people started using technology to do the job
01:09How are you enjoying your first ocean voyage, Thorsten?
01:18Yeah, better out than in
01:19Especially if you've been eating for months to shop
01:22Are we nearly there yet?
01:26Oh yeah, almost there
01:27How do you know?
01:28Look up?
01:29What is it?
01:30My bad
01:32My bad
01:33Should've said look up
01:34But keep your mouth closed in case a bird does a poop in it
01:37Anyway, these birds
01:38They never stray far from land
01:40So when we see them
01:41We know we're close
01:42Look
01:43There's a lot of them
01:45Excellent!
01:46That tells us that we're very close to land now
01:49But how do you know which direction to go?
01:51There are certain clouds that only appear above land
01:54So we just simply head for them
01:56Ah, like that one up there?
01:58No, that's not the cloud
02:01That's the same group of birds from before
02:03But all bunched together in a big poopy bunch
02:06You don't say
02:09Yeah, you don't often see that
02:11So, I see how the clouds and the birds work, but
02:15We've sailed all the way from Iceland
02:17How do you know which direction to sail when you're a long way from land on the open sea?
02:22It's all uphill
02:23You see, I know that if we travel from Sniffles' Nest in Iceland up to Havalf in Greenland
02:28The North Star will always be the same height above the horizon in both places
02:33So we sail for four days
02:35Keep the North Star in the same place
02:38And, well, you should arrive in about
02:40A hail there
02:43Where'd you learn of this?
02:45Most Vikings learn it from their families
02:48Oh, wait
02:49I didn't want to go to Havalf in Greenland
02:52I wanted to go to Starr in Norway
02:54What? What you kept saying?
02:56Havalf! Havalf!
02:57Havalf!
02:58Havalf!
02:59Havalf!
03:00Havalf!
03:01Havalf!
03:02I think I know what's happened here
03:03Havalf!
03:04It's funny I'm completely clean
03:06And yet you
03:07Were covered in poo
03:08How about the goat?
03:12Check it out!
03:13It crosses oceans
03:15It sells up rivers
03:16It's a brand new Viking love ship
03:19At top speed
03:20It can go over 35 kilometers per hour
03:23That's really fast
03:24It can even sail through terrible storms
03:29This beast is such a beast
03:30It even has a beast head on the front
03:32Beast heads can be anything
03:34A snake
03:35A bull
03:36A dragon
03:37A hamster
03:38Not a hamster
03:39That's not beastly enough for this beast
03:42The long ship is the same shape at the front and the back
03:45So it can go in both directions
03:47All you have to do is turn around and row the other way
03:51In fact, I think the only problem with the long ship is
03:55Oh, it absolutely stinks when it's new
03:58Stinky ship alert!
04:00Ha ha!
04:01Ha ha!
04:02It's covered in fat and sticky toe to make it waterproof
04:05Ah!
04:06I think I'm stuck to the toe
04:09Ah!
04:10Bombs
04:11Why?
04:15It's nearly bedtime here at Yee Bee Bee's
04:18So for all you little mariners
04:20Sailing off to Sleep Island
04:22We've got a special guest today
04:24To tell us a bedtime story
04:26About their real life adventures
04:29Hello boys and girls
04:31I am Christopher Columbus
04:33And in 1492
04:35I sailed the ocean blue
04:37Searching for a new trade route
04:39Between Europe
04:40And China
04:42But what I actually discovered
04:44Was an entire new continent
04:47The Americas
04:49What an adventure!
04:50It was full of exciting, vibrant people
04:53That I could kidnap and force to work for me
04:56Sorry, what?
04:57And there was nothing they could do
04:59Because we were so heavily armed
05:02Okay, how about we just stick to the adventure bit?
05:05Okay
05:06There were lots of swashbuckling battles
05:08As we fought for our lives
05:10There we go!
05:11Exciting charge!
05:13The battles ended when I cut the heads of three local people
05:17Here, let me show you how I did it
05:20Okay, seriously
05:21I think we should stop talking about the nasty stuff that you did to those poor people who were already living there
05:27And focus on the exploring
05:29That's fine
05:30After we finished there weren't many of them left anyway
05:32Now did you know the Americas are filled with gold?
05:37Treasure!
05:38That's more like it
05:40Did you have a treasure map?
05:42I didn't need one
05:43I just said I'd kill any local person over the age of 14 who didn't bring me gold
05:48Much easier
05:49Okay, I think we've had enough of your adventures for one day
05:53Possibly forever
05:54You know, I think the message of my story is when you are faced with an impossible task
06:00What you really need to do is believe in yourself
06:04Wow, that is a great message for our children
06:07For example, I believed it was right to have members of my own crew
06:10Whipped for buying food without my permission
06:13Okay, okay, get out
06:15Get out?
06:17We're going to get complaints about this
06:19Oh, I had someone complain about what I did once
06:22I just cut out their tongue
06:24What are you doing here?
06:25Goodnight boys and girls
06:27Goodnight children
06:29Is he still here?
06:31Which way is the canteen?
06:33No
06:34Oh, hello there
06:36Are you looking to set sail soon?
06:38Well then you've come to the right place
06:40I'm Bessie Miller
06:41Nineteenth-century sea-based saleswoman
06:43I and many people like me used to sell something vital to sailors
06:47But can you tell me what it was?
06:49Was it
06:50A. Sails
06:52B. Ropes
06:53Or
06:54C. Wind
06:56The answer is
06:57C. Wind
06:58Wind
06:59We would sell wind to sailors
07:00And they thought if they didn't buy the wind
07:02Their sailboats wouldn't be able to sail
07:04Ha!
07:05That's right
07:06We claim to have complete control of the wind
07:09Oh!
07:10Sorry, not that kind of wind
07:12Oh!
07:13Ah!
07:14Boats haven't just been used to explore the oceans
07:18They've also been used to fight wars on them
07:21In 1588 King Philip II of Spain unleashed the Spanish Armada
07:26When he sent hundreds of his ships to war with England
07:29And Queen Elizabeth I
07:31His fleet was defeated
07:33But more armadas were soon to come
07:35And they weren't all Spanish
07:37Whoa!
07:38Ah!
07:39It started with the Spanish Armada
07:42That huge amount of ships that we sent against the English
07:45I think we made them mad
07:47It did
07:48It made them so mad
07:50It led to
07:51The lesser known Armada
07:53Try and invade us, will you, Spain?
07:55Right now
07:56It's big time
07:57Sir Francis Drake
07:58Your march
07:59Unleash
08:00The English Armada
08:01You had me unleash the aim
08:02The English Armada
08:03Led by Francis Drake
08:04Aboard his ship, Revenge
08:05180 ships
08:06Tens of thousands of soldiers
08:07We shall destroy the Spanish fleet
08:08At the end
08:09We shall destroy the Spanish fleet
08:10At the end
08:11At the end
08:12At the end
08:13At the end
08:14At the end
08:15At the end
08:16At the end
08:17At the end
08:18At the end
08:19At the end
08:20At the end
08:21At the end
08:22At the end
08:23At the end
08:24At the end
08:25At the end
08:26At the end
08:27At the end
08:28Wait
08:29Instead of their fleet of ships
08:32Let's attack the Spanish city of Coruña
08:35But attacking a well-defended city instead of a fleet
08:39Might not go as well
08:40I wonder if they've conquered Spain yet
08:42Hmm
08:43Okay
08:44Might take a bit longer than I thought
08:47Longer?
08:48The winds are blowing in the wrong direction
08:50The men are dying of salvation and sickness
08:53What are you complaining about?
08:54We've still got 5,000 men
08:56Yes, but we started out with tens of thousands of men
08:59That's not ideal
09:00The English Armada
09:02The one
09:03You've maybe not heard of
09:05And coming soon
09:07You know, the English Armada
09:09We sent against the Spanish
09:10Because of the Spanish Armada
09:11They sent against us
09:12Well, I think they may be planning revenge
09:14No
09:15Yes
09:16Another Spanish Armada
09:19The Spanish Armada 2
09:22Armada Harder
09:24I'm beginning to think Armadas might be overrated
09:27Yes
09:28Aha!
09:30We pirates are the terror of the high seas
09:35Everyone be afraid of us
09:39Mostly because we can't steer the boat
09:42And we're always bumping into them
09:44But, you know, ships don't just go travelling on the water
09:47They can also go under it
09:50In submarines
09:52But what's it like to actually go in a submarine?
09:55And when I say go, I'm not talking about how you travel in one
09:59Blue man, who man, the living toilet
10:02Who ran from the Middle Ages
10:04With a bucket so that you can
10:06Have a poop in a private place
10:09Sitting on my bucket with a cape to hide your face
10:12And bum, and when you're done
10:15I will try to pending if you did
10:17A two or one
10:18Blue man
10:23Oh, nine, nine, nine
10:25Good
10:26Greetings, friend
10:27Who are you and what are you doing on my U-Boat?
10:30I am Blue Man, the living lavatory
10:33And you look like a man
10:35Who needs the little U-Boat's captain's room
10:37Yes, I do
10:38I do well then I would like to apply for the jubbies we have a toilet I'm meetings
10:44engineers at our engineer yeah flashing support toilet is very complex but only
10:49a specially trained person can do it I'm intrigued it is ready for you captain
10:56oh thank goodness
10:59tell me my friend do you call them for captain's logs sorry Lou man a
11:11pleasure to meet a fellow professional oh yes I'd give it from if I were you yes
11:20you may flush when ready engineer
11:22oh goodness yeah my setup's a lot simpler than yours if you want me to take you through it
11:31hard nine Duncan please do not disturb me I must turn these levers and valves in exactly the right
11:38order otherwise the seawater will flood into the vessel okay yeah of course
11:43I'm out of interest how many buckets worth of bum blackverse is this baby store well
11:51actually this sub does not store its poop instead we fire third beetles into the ocean
11:56with compressed air love it
11:59hello what's happened has he done a floater
12:03oh no I've implemented the wrong sequence the toilet is filling up with sea warts and the captain's logs
12:10oh you do call them the captain's logs in
12:12captain the toilet switch has leaked into the ship's batteries and the sap is filling with poisonous gas
12:16we must surface and abandon ship abandon ship
12:20cord brown abandon ship abandon ship
12:23do you use the bucket
12:27how about the goat am I in get back a bit a bit if this doesn't go viral it's on you
12:34all right okay I'm going
12:35what's up boat fans want to make a top-of-the-line Assyrian riverboat you need three things one
12:43wood wood two sewn up inflated animal bladders and there's a secret third ingredient whoa that's
12:52right a donkey this boat puts the ass in Assyrian what you need to do is first make a wooden frame you
13:01line it with inflated animal bladders then this boat is going to float you all the way downstream to
13:09babylon baby
13:11but it's a bit harder getting back because the water is going the wrong way that's where the donkey comes in
13:17so what you need to do is dismantle the boat and sell the wood
13:21then you need to put the inflated animal bladders on the donkey and walk home letting the donkey
13:29do the donkey work that's right my friends this boat is genius
13:35ever since there's been ships at sea there have been pirates even as far back as ancient roman times
13:49a young julius caesar found that out long before he became a famous roman general when pirates captured him while he was studying in greece
13:59captain we have captured a young nobleman he's a roman perfect tremble roman for you have been captured by the
14:11cilician pirates yeah can we hurry this up hey look i'm gaius julius caesar i've got a lot on and this is really
14:19starting to drag tremble we did that bit can we just get to the ransom demand right if your friends want to see
14:27you alive again blah blah blah how much serious twenty talents of silver twenty how dare you tie me up wrist
14:41i'm staying right here until you get a fee worthy of me i mean honestly ankles i i'm worth fifty talents at least
14:48boy then fifty talents please thank you twenty genuinely hurt by that okay i'll get my mentor range of payments
14:56oh
14:58oi men i've been captured by cilicia
15:02cilician pirates i need you to go around the aegean coastal cities and raise fifty talents and if they
15:10complain kindly remind them that if they were patrolling properly then we wouldn't be having so much trouble
15:16with these lowlights no offense
15:20that's what's going on
15:22here
15:24down
15:26steve you don't have to
15:28good boy
15:30entertainment entertainment entertainment well sometimes we play ball games or hold athletic
15:34tournaments
15:36would you be quiet i don't want to play with them sounds fun i'm in oh and also i'm gonna need a few of your men for an audience
15:40audience yeah i'll be writing some poetry whilst i'm here and it'd be good to get some feedback
15:44yeah well my men don't really like poetry
15:48great i've been kidnapped by a bunch of oiks who don't appreciate the arts
15:54fine i'll just get some shut eye just keep it down
15:56no i will not keep it down i've got to keep it low i'm a pirate shush
16:00oh and by the way when i get free i'm gonna hunt you all down and have you crucified
16:06and not in a nice way
16:08oh i'd rather that than listen to his poetry
16:10oh ho ho ho ho ho
16:12the bird
16:14i can't hear you now
16:16sorry
16:18almost a home to spain
16:20i can't wait to
16:22ah
16:24boarded by pirates when we were almost home to spain
16:28in this part of the mediterranean
16:30you know what that could mean
16:32they're going to rob and torture us
16:34ah you don't think it means we're being boarded by
16:36saida al hurrah
16:38yah
16:40yah
16:42what the queen
16:44yes pirate queen
16:46what are you both so happy about
16:48we're going to get killed
16:50quake in fear for it is i
16:52queen saida
16:54look it's gonna take ages to write the whole thing
16:56can we just all agree it says
16:58saida
17:00die pirate queen
17:02what
17:04seriously
17:06you're fawning over pirate queen
17:08saida isn't just a pirate queen
17:10she's the queen of morocco
17:12oh yeah the sultan of morocco put a ring on it
17:14oh would you sign my arse
17:16assuming you're not planning to drop it off or anything
17:18more into gold than terrorizing people
17:22unless you're spanish
17:24the reason i do all this is to get my revenge on the spanish for invading my home in granada and exiling me
17:30huh
17:32what name should i put
17:34carlos
17:36spanish name innit
17:38oh um yes
17:40a bit it's a short for charles
17:42hmm okay
17:44two charles from
17:46saida
17:48oh thank you for a moment there i thought you were about to kill me
17:52oh
17:54i am gonna kill ya
17:56but now they can use your arm to identify you after i cut your spanish head off
18:00well i don't mind i've met queen saida so i can die happy
18:04do you uh know these two
18:06no no no where are my manners
18:08this is fernando and manuel
18:10oh goody more spaniards
18:12well
18:14gracias for nothing
18:16killed by queen saida
18:18hm i can't wait to tell everyone back home
18:20oh
18:22worst voyage ever
18:24john
18:26yeah
18:28i was just uh
18:30thinking about our future together
18:32no here we go again
18:34oh
18:36i think we should take our pirate relationship to the next level
18:38i want to have a matter latash
18:40pete
18:41now is not a good time to talk about this
18:43stinky joe's listening
18:44don't mind me
18:46oh
18:47sorry to interrupt but er
18:49what's the matter latash
18:51well you know it's when er
18:52two pirates formally pair up and share their belongings
18:55oh
18:56like getting married
18:57oh
18:58oh it's like i've eaten a load of gunpowder and then stuck a lit match up
19:01there's nothing like getting married
19:03anyway i've drafted up this contract for us
19:07i'm gonna read it aloud and if you agree you can just say i do
19:11sounds a bit like wedding vows
19:13oh i don't know what i'm gonna do when the bucket's full
19:15hey stop
19:17do you
19:18john
19:19take me
19:20pete
19:21to be your
19:22lawful
19:23buccaneer partner
19:24sounds exactly like wedding vows
19:25we can seal a deal
19:27by er
19:28exchanging some of our treasure
19:30as a sign of trust
19:31oh yeah
19:32couple of rings maybe
19:33shut it stinky joe
19:35okay
19:36coincidentally yes i was going to suggest the ring that i stole when we plundered the queen
19:40mary
19:41you know i thought
19:42right then
19:43that you
19:45are the shipmate for me
19:47i promised myself i wouldn't cry
19:50oh
19:51but that's gonna bring tears to anyone's eyes
19:53shush
19:54it's not a wedding
19:55it's a matalatage
19:56pete
19:57i'm flattered i really am but i just can't commit a
20:00when i die
20:01as is traditional with all matalatages
20:03you get to keep all my stuff
20:04pete
20:05you're not listening i can't have a matalatage with you
20:08why not
20:09i'm having a matalatage with someone else all right
20:15well
20:17this is awkward
20:18pete please say something
20:24frankly
20:25i think that says it all
20:28pete
20:31hi guys
20:32she's am bonnie
20:33i'm mary reed and together we put the
20:35girl boss pirate
20:38pirate
20:39thanks for joining us for our step-by-step guide to how to be a girl boss pirate
20:44pirate
20:45hey
20:46step one
20:47join a pirate crew
20:48now we all find our pirate crews in different ways
20:51i disguised myself as a man
20:53oh manly
20:54and joined a ship headed for the west indies
20:56when we got attacked by pirates i thought well you can't beat em join
21:00and i joined the same crew as mary
21:02the same crew as mary
21:03we are vpffs
21:05best pirate friends forever
21:08where
21:09step two
21:10watching
21:11now you can't be shy of a bit of fisticuffs if you're a pirate
21:14my daddy
21:15fairy here
21:16likes to shoot people for being cowards
21:19guilty
21:20now all of this can get you into a teensy bit of trouble
21:24step three
21:25use your natural charm
21:27charm offensive or just offensive
21:30admittedly this is the one that we're not so good at
21:33definitely worth putting in the effort
21:35because it could save your life
21:37oh
21:38when our pirate crew was captured by the british navy and sentenced to death
21:42Anne and i did something called leading the belly
21:46so we went up to the executioner and in our best sweetest most gladiest voices we said
21:52and action
21:54please mister don't kill me you're just a sweet little lady with a pirate baby in her top two
22:03you were not a lovely little made of baby pirate lady would you
22:08and it worked
22:09no execution for us we were in the clear
22:13well
22:14almost
22:15right lady
22:16the judge wants to see you again
22:18pleading the belly only gets you up the hook while you're actually pregnant
22:22well that's all we've got time for today girl boss pirate fans
22:26don't forget to smash a like and if you see us coming
22:30run for your lives we're pirates
22:32spar
22:34for much of history only men were encouraged to be sailors
22:37but that didn't mean women couldn't find their way onto ships too
22:40and not just as pirates
22:42even though you had to be a man to join the royal navy in the 18th century
22:46one clever young woman found a way to break the rules and get herself on board
22:50well men after many long years of the royal navy we're finally back in England
22:58i'm proud to call you my brothers
23:01peter
23:02right back at you man
23:04ah
23:05michael
23:06brother in arms
23:07and old james
23:09hey brothers men we all are
23:13ha ha
23:14oh do you know what i'm gonna have to come clean
23:16speak your mind my man
23:18yeah see i'm not a man
23:20i'm a woman my name is hannah snell and i only pretended to be a man so i could join the royal navy
23:25oh
23:27but james
23:28hannah
23:29did this happen when you came on land is this like a mermaid thing where you become a man when you go out to sea
23:34no i've always been a woman
23:35look i only signed up to the royal navy so i could find my husband he was a dutch sailor and he abandoned me after we got married
23:42and did you find him james
23:43hannah
23:44er
23:45yes
23:46he'd been executed
23:47oh
23:48yes that's less cute
23:49why'd you bring that up
23:50my bad
23:51i'll be honest with you james
23:53hannah
23:54this is a lot to take in
23:56seriously
23:57none of you were suspicious about anything
23:59no
24:00well we've been sailing around together for years
24:02this has come completely out of the blue for me
24:04michael you used to call me miss molly
24:06yeah on account of your smooth lady like cheeks
24:08and the fact you never had to shave your beard
24:10what and that didn't ring any bells
24:12well we just thought you were norwegian
24:15okay what about that time i got shot instead of using the regiment surgeon i insisted on dealing with it myself
24:20well i just thought that was very manual
24:22coolest thing i've ever seen
24:23no it was because some of the words were near me lady bits and i didn't want to get found out
24:26whoa
24:27gee am i
24:28well james
24:29hannah
24:30whatever your name is
24:31we do so hope that you will join us on our next voyage
24:35aye
24:37that's very kind of you but there's absolutely no way the royal navy will let me stay on now
24:41probably just head home
24:43write a book
24:44maybe run a pub
24:45pubs?
24:46there are no place for ladies
24:47we're in one right now
24:49also i can handle myself
24:51remember i was literally with you in the middle of the fighting in india
24:55i got wounded in my legs eleven times
24:57good times
24:58yes
24:59well miss molly it's been an absolute honour to serve with you
25:02yeah
25:03today
25:04today
25:05today
25:06today
25:07oh it's hannah
25:08okay
25:09now who's molly because if i'm honest with you i have not been following this at all
25:14well shipmates our voyage is over and we're coming back safely into port nothing can go wrong
25:21oh no
25:22ah
25:23my boat sprung a leak
25:25i'm sinking
25:26and i'm so close to home
25:28still it's not the first time a ship went down close to home
25:32henry the first's white ship went down with his son and heir on board as it was leaving port
25:38henry the eighth's mary rose sank just outside southampton
25:42and swedish king gustavus adultus's super ship the vasa sailed less than a mile before it sank
25:49ah
25:50that's can't swim right i guess i'm about to find out
25:53ah
25:54ah
25:55oh my goodness
25:57look at that boat
25:58it sank hey
25:59but isn't that boat the white ship
26:01king henry's son william edellin is on board that boat
26:04oh yeah
26:05we sail big boats but they make us cry
26:08the survivor of the wreck told i
26:10the white ship went down with the air to the crown
26:12the ship hit a rock and a leak got sprung
26:15cause they took a chance when they sailed home from france
26:17they set off in the dark
26:19they thought it was a lark
26:21the crew were drunk my air got sunk didn't make it to shore
26:24now there's gonna be war
26:25hey nobles
26:26yeah
26:27nobles
26:28who'll be king now when i die
26:31i use big boats when i'm fighting france
26:34but with one took too much of a chance
26:36the merry rose got binned when she turned in the wind
26:38the water poured in and she got suck
26:41the gun ports went closed
26:42sailors got hose
26:43lucky like a no leaf clover
26:45when the ship tilted over
26:47she went down four hundred drowned
26:49but the french armada they achieved murder
26:51cause we've got other boats
26:53yeah
26:54boats
26:55yeah
26:56we like big boats
26:57yeah
26:58yo yo
26:59MC king gustaf is at the office on the decks
27:01well
27:02on the deck
27:04i built big boats to put sweden on the map
27:06the first launch and the crab began to clap
27:08the water was a butte
27:09constant on a loot
27:10one gust of wind and she got sunk
27:12eras when it was built
27:14made the ship over tilt
27:15its hatches split asunder
27:17and the water dragged her under
27:19would have helped us rule the seas
27:21but were sunk by a gentle breeze
27:23as the world stood and watched
27:25they saw our plans botched
27:27hey you
27:28yeah
27:29did you see the boat go down
27:30yeah
27:31fancy pretending it didn't happen
27:32no
27:33worth a try
27:35we had
27:36big boats
27:37but they made us cry
27:38high hopes
27:39but things went awry
27:40the memory makes us wince
27:42cause our ships took a rinse
27:44but elections ever since
27:46cause these ships
27:47got
27:48sunk
27:49i am blue man
27:51the living navitry
27:52or as you might say in germany
27:53vacate
27:56i've turned into a muppet
27:58the past is no longer a mystery
28:03hope you enjoyed
28:05horrible histories
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