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Short filmTranscript
00:01Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians
00:03Stripes to a small Victorian
00:04Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights
00:05Stingy Castles, Daring Knights
00:07Horrors that divide description
00:08Cutthroat Council, Full Ejection
00:10Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crime
00:11Partners are from ancient times
00:12Roman Rotten, Ragnarublers
00:14Cavemen, Savage Beers and Tublers
00:15Groovy Greeks, Brainy Sages
00:16Mean and Missing Little Ages
00:18Gory stories, we do that
00:20And your host, a Talking Rats
00:23The past is no longer a mystery
00:26Welcome to Horrible Histories
00:31Horrible Histories presents
00:34The Rattavision Song Contest
00:40Now if you watch one song contest this year
00:44Make sure it's the Eurovision Song Contest
00:47But if you watch two song contests
00:50Then you need to watch the Rattavision Song Contest
00:54You do
00:56So please welcome your host
00:57Rattus Rattus
00:59Welcome to the first ever Rattavision Song Contest
01:03It's a feast for the eyes and ears
01:06And an absolute disaster for the nose
01:09Yes, in this competition
01:12Historical celebrities from around the world
01:14Sing their hearts out
01:16In a bid to win our coveted
01:18Rattavision Trophy
01:20And to kick us off with an absolute banger
01:23It's America's entry
01:25Sung by Thomas Edison
01:27Tom's written a song about the things he's invented
01:29But he had to cut the song down after the dress rehearsal
01:32Because it listed all of his 1,000 plus registered inventions
01:36The song was over four hours long
01:39Just the highlights please Tom
01:42Look round your house
01:49At all the things
01:51The light that shines
01:53The phone that rings
01:55The sounds you like
01:57The things you view
01:59I had a hand
02:01In all you do
02:03Oh who am I
02:05The light bulb guy
02:07You'd be surprised
02:10Tommy Simpson
02:12The inventor
02:14Of the light bulb
02:16Illuminator
02:18Movie studio
02:20Black Mariah
02:22Kinetoscope
02:24Movie camera
02:26Photograph
02:28Voice recorder
02:31And the network
02:33Electric power
02:35Olby
02:40I said I'd make
02:43A new design
02:45Every ten days
02:47They weren't all mine
02:49I paid for help
02:51From other minds
02:53To bump the numbers
02:55Never mind
02:57With Graham Bell's phone
02:59I did tell him
03:01What you should say
03:03When the thing rings
03:05I disagreed
03:07With old bell boy
03:09I said hello
03:11He said ahoy
03:13Ahoy
03:14Ahoy
03:15Ahoy
03:16Ahoy
03:17Ahoy
03:18Ahoy
03:19Imagine that
03:20Thomas Henson
03:22The inventor
03:24The victor
03:25The vitascope
03:26The projector
03:27The projector
03:28Mimeograph
03:30And a printer
03:31Electric pens
03:34Not a winner
03:36With the lights on
03:38It's less dangerous
03:40Yes my light bulb
03:42Made me famous
03:42Yeah!
03:44Famous, yeah!
03:52Wow! Who knew Edison could sing like that?
03:56He sure has got some pipes, presumably from one of his inventions.
04:00Well, he's going to be a tough act to follow for Germany's entry
04:04by 12th-century genius, pioneer and nun,
04:08Hildegard von Bingen.
04:10This is one of the favourites from the trophy.
04:12Trust me, you'll all be doing the dance tomorrow.
04:16Although, you can't see the wimple catching on.
04:19Since the age of seven
04:21I've been living in a nunnery
04:24Hildegard von Bingen, that is me
04:27I'm quite brainy
04:29Cos I feel inspired
04:32So many ideas bursting through
04:36My brain hums with things to do
04:39Every day
04:41I look around and
04:43The sick need meds to cure them
04:45I'll write mine down in book form
04:48Let's spread our knowledge round the
04:51Hildegard
04:53And I say
04:54Ooh, I'm guided by insights
04:58My mind is firing
05:01I thought you left this down
05:03And I say
05:05Ooh, so many books to write
05:09Got to share all of this knowledge that I found
05:14For a bit of fun
05:15For a bit of fun
05:17I made up a secret language
05:21He tossed me a titch
05:23Coolity
05:25A dog
05:26And music is my thing
05:28I write hymns and chants to sing
05:32Their first musical morality play
05:35Yeah, I say
05:36I look around and
05:39The natural world astounds me
05:41Note down all that surrounds me
05:44Wrote nine volumes
05:46Think I covered everything
05:49And I say
05:50Ooh, my mind is feeling bright
05:54Yes, I'm a woman
05:57But I've got knowledge too
05:59I'm writing letters every day
06:03Letters every day
06:04To books and emperors to say
06:06Emperors to say
06:07If you listen
06:07I can show you a better way
06:10And I say
06:12Ooh, I'm guided by insights
06:17My mind is firing
06:19Hope I'm inspiring you
06:21And I say
06:24Ooh, the future's looking bright
06:28If we can think it
06:30We could make it true
06:32Thank you, Germany
06:40Absolutely heavenly
06:42Next up, it's Poland's representative
06:45LL Zamanov
06:47Now, there's some controversy here
06:49Because everyone's allowed to sing
06:51In their native tongue
06:52Or in English
06:54But what Zamanov's done
06:56Is invent a whole new language
06:58It might not be in the rules
07:00But he did invent it
07:01To try and help achieve world peace
07:03So, let's not fight about it
07:05The language and the song
07:07Is called Esperanto
07:09Any sort of fighting I abhor
07:12We need to find a way
07:13To prevent war
07:15And I think that language
07:16Is the solution
07:18A peaceful way
07:21Of resolving things
07:23There's no need
07:24For more battling
07:25Here's a way
07:26To stop this confusion
07:29Esperanto
07:31It's a language
07:32That I created in Poland
07:34A way that we can keep
07:35The conversation flowing
07:36A way of talking
07:38That will only keep on growing
07:39Esperanto
07:42It's a simple language
07:43To unite the people
07:44It's a way of speaking
07:46That'll make us equal
07:47We can sort our problems
07:49In a way that's peaceful
07:50It's easy to learn
07:52There's no crazy grammar
07:54It follows simple rules
07:55Everyone can understand
07:56Yeah?
07:57A mixture of languages
07:58But here's the surprise
07:59There are some words
08:00You might recognize
08:02A bird is bird-o
08:03Cat is cat-o
08:05A cake is cuck-o
08:06Baby is fable
08:07Club is club-o
08:09River, river-o
08:10Music, music-o
08:11Problem, problem-o
08:13Stop me if I'm wrong
08:14I wouldn't want to offend
08:15You're just taking a word
08:17And sticking a no on the end
08:18I see why you've said that
08:20There's really more to it
08:21Don't be put off
08:22Everyone here can do it
08:24Esperanto
08:29It's a language
08:30That I created in Poland
08:31A way that we can keep
08:33The conversation flowing
08:34A way of talking
08:35That will only keep on growing
08:37Esperanto
08:40It's a simple language
08:41To unite the people
08:42It's a way of speaking
08:44That'll make us equal
08:45We can sort our problems
08:46In a way that's peaceful
08:48Esperanto
08:50Any questions?
08:57Que ce que c'était tu ça?
09:00Excellent!
09:01Oh, I'm fluent already
09:04Next up we've got a pair of true artists from Italy
09:07The total genius Leonardo da Vinci
09:10And the equally brilliant Michelangelo
09:13And it features a special guest appearance
09:15From Raphael
09:17Who's no slout either
09:18The three of them are wonderful creators
09:21Who together transformed the art world
09:23During the Renaissance
09:24And of course
09:25And of course
09:25They've had Ninja Turtles
09:27Named after them
09:28Sweet
09:29Every now and then
09:35I try to picture the art
09:37In the dark ages
09:38Before changes began
09:39Nobody was listening to new ideas
09:44Said they like things just as they stand
09:47But studying the classics from Rome and Greece
09:51Gave us thoughts we'd not had before
09:54An explosion of creation, music, sculpture in the nudie, paintings and more
10:01Every day is like a brand new start
10:07Every day we revolutionize art
10:12Everybody knows that Florence is the place
10:17Salty, farty, farty types
10:18Really should be
10:19Renaissance
10:20Massaccio, Donatello
10:22Throughout his created visions
10:24So lifelike that they look real
10:26Renaissance
10:27The Medicis have the vonga
10:29The Pope pays us to bling
10:32The Vatican
10:33Renaissance
10:34Raphael, Master's oil
10:37Botticelli's Venus
10:38Is careful to cover all the bombs
10:41Renaissance
10:42Art guy
10:44Every day is like a brand new start
10:46You're the old start guy
10:49Fighting without brushes to make art
10:52And now you all can see
10:55My technique is getting better
10:58And if our patrons pay their fee
11:02Our legacy will last forever
11:06Study anatomy to make the right body
11:09Cause before they look too shoddy
11:12Together light and dark
11:14Make these people look 3D
11:16Cause we all have shadows on us
11:18Look at me
11:19Oh look at me
11:21Perspective gives us depth
11:23Our backgrounds come alive
11:24We study nature
11:26And old fate brings it to life
11:28I really think this will last
11:31History will remember my art
11:35No, history will remember my art
11:37Once upon a time your paintings moved me to tears
11:40Yours always just make me laugh
11:43What can we say
11:48We totally eclipsed the old art
11:51Sistine Chapman
11:53The Mona Lisa
11:55Totally eclipsed the old art
11:58Statue of Dave
12:00Sketch of an helicopter
12:02Totally eclipsed the old art
12:06The hell to last not a bit longer than you
12:10Amazing
12:13Those guys are responsible for some of humankind's greatest creations
12:17But this is the only work of art they're interested in right now
12:21Stunning
12:23I can smell it from here
12:25But if they want to win it
12:26They'll have to get past Greece
12:27Here's Ptolemy
12:29The ancient Greek astronomer
12:30With his song
12:31All about the stars he named after Greek legends
12:34Well, he may have his head in the clouds
12:37But he's got some great moves for an ancient fella
12:40This is Greece
12:41And Ptolemy
12:42With a sky full of myths
12:44Up there's a sky
12:50Up there's a sky
12:52Full of myths
12:54I'm Ptolemy
12:57I wrote them down
13:00In a list
13:02If you look high
13:06And screw your eyes up a bit
13:09You will see
13:13All the myths
13:16Lyra's there
13:21It was played by Orpheus
13:25Pegasus
13:29And Perseus too
13:30That one's a ball
13:36That we call
13:38Taurus
13:40That ball is
13:41Zeus
13:43Just think of constellations
13:50Like big dots and dots, man
13:52That one's Hercules
13:53Or Heracles
13:54If you're saying it properly
13:55There's Cancer
13:56The crab that bit Heracles' foot
13:57Leo the lion that Heracles killed
14:00Triangulum
14:01The triangle
14:02Well, they can't all be great stories
14:04Over there
14:07That Lord of Cassiopeia
14:11The great bears
14:15Of their tomb
14:17Cause in the sky
14:22The Greeks
14:23We put all the myths
14:26All our stories on view
14:28I wrote down 48 constellations
14:38In my 150 AD book
14:40The Almagest
14:41So, what does it mean?
14:43Oh, the greatest
14:44Is that referring to me
14:45Or the stars?
14:46You decide
14:47I think you know the answer
14:49Look up there
14:53Everywhere
14:54You see stars
14:57Well
14:59If the clouds
15:01Have blown through
15:03Up there's a sky
15:08Up there's a sky
15:10Full of myths
15:12Oh, yeah
15:13And the moon
15:15Well, that is hands down
15:24The best song I've ever heard
15:26About an ancient Greek bloke
15:28Naming stars after Greek myths
15:29But, here we go
15:30It's the English entry
15:32And it's a family affair
15:34With Henry VIII
15:35And his whole Tudor royal family
15:37They've written a song
15:38About one of the big issues
15:40Of their day
15:40Choosing which form of Christianity
15:42The country should follow
15:44Protestantism
15:46Or Catholicism
15:47It makes some really good points
15:50Which is funny
15:50Because I doubt
15:51It's going to get any points
15:52Especially from the Pope
15:54This track
15:56Is an absolute faggot
15:57The Pope is a guy
16:00God thinks he's fine
16:01He's also a real good friend of mine
16:04Defender of the faith
16:06He calls me
16:06Because I'm such a great Catholic
16:08See?
16:08Then I got bored of Catherine
16:12I wanted to marry Anne
16:15Then the Pope said
16:16Because I'm Catholic
16:17I've got to be a one-woman man
16:19So, no
16:20I don't want no Pope
16:22The Pope is a guy
16:23That can't get no love from me
16:25Gonna split from the Catholics
16:27Now the head of the English church
16:29Is me
16:31I could die happy
16:34If he passed the church
16:34I was about the Protestant son
16:36Give him hell, Edward
16:37Awkward
16:45Merry time
16:47Brother Eddie perished
16:50Now the country's mine
16:53Cause I was brought up Catholic
16:55I'll change it back one more time
16:57Cause
16:58How I love the Pope
17:00The Pope is the guy
17:01Who reps my God for me
17:03And if you don't agree
17:05That's totally fine
17:07I'll just burn you for heresy
17:09Ah, living in the house
17:12Yeah
17:12Now Mary died
17:14The country's mine
17:16How will we pray?
17:17I must decide
17:18Born Protestant
17:19Raised with Catholics
17:21I really can't see both sides
17:23Sure
17:24If I trash the Catholics
17:27The whole church is mine
17:29If they don't obey me
17:32I'll charge them a hefty fine
17:34So, no
17:34I don't want no Pope
17:37The English church should all be about me
17:40Head of church at state
17:42That sounds great
17:43Call it act of supremacy
17:45I don't want no Pope
17:50No, sorry
17:51But what will happen
17:54After me
17:57Get out
18:00Honestly, I can't see any other country
18:06Having something to match Queen Elizabeth I
18:08On to our next entry now
18:10It's Spain
18:11And Queen Elizabeth I
18:13What?
18:14She's representing Spain as well
18:16I don't care if it is a duet
18:18With King Philip II and Spain
18:20Surely that's against the rules
18:22Oh, well
18:23Here's Liz and Phil
18:25With a song all about their country's great rivalry
18:28Good luck, everyone
18:30Let's just say
18:31These two don't get along
18:33I'm Philip II
18:47I'm the King of Spain
18:49I'm Liz the first
18:50And over England, I'm writing
18:52I married your sister, Mary Warren
18:54But I'm Queen
18:56Now that she has gone
18:58I need a new wife
18:59You're the perfect fit
19:00Apart from the not being a Catholic fit
19:03If we get together, our countries can be friends
19:06And if I say no
19:08The friendship ends
19:11I get everything I'm looking for
19:17It's an easy decision
19:18All you're gonna do is change your religion
19:21You know what, Philip?
19:22I'll take my chances
19:24I'm not interested in having romances
19:26The Europeans big enough for the both of us
19:29If that's the way you want it, I can cause a fuss
19:32I got the power of a Spanish
19:34But I can deploy, yeah
19:35Well, I'll do everything I can
19:37Just to annoy ya
19:39Yes!
19:44You and me, a rivalry
19:46A war of hearts, a war at sea
19:49I'll send Francis Drake to steal your treasure
19:52I'll back your enemies for good measure
19:55I'll be supporting laws of Catholic flots
19:58To have you replace the Mary Queen of the Scots
20:01Oh, do what you like
20:02Then they'll scare me much
20:04I'll get you involved in a war with the Dutch
20:07Let's see how you come with my Spanish Armada
20:10Is that all you've got?
20:12You're gonna have to try harder
20:14Okay, so my arm out of town
20:20I'm not to be a threat
20:21That actually landed me in quite a bit of debt
20:24We'll turn the screw and send our own fleet
20:27And lose 40 ships and have to retreat
20:30This is constant boarding and we're gonna end
20:33Could've been so different if we couldn't be friends
20:36So let's both die before hostility cease
20:39And lead it to our successes
20:41To work out peace
20:44Yeah!
20:47You and me, a rivalry
20:50A war of hearts, a war at sea
20:53Brothers and Liz, Catholic Phil
20:56Both going in for the kill
21:01I'm hearing that Phil has offered to put their rivalry behind them
21:08And ask Liz to marry him
21:10Beautiful!
21:12And Liz has said
21:14Oh!
21:16Yikes!
21:17I'm not reading that out
21:19Let's just say she said no
21:22And move on
21:23It's France's entry next
21:25And it's another song by Royal Appointment
21:28It's Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
21:30The only woman ever to have been queen
21:32Of both France and England
21:34She was a great queen
21:36But she was an even greater mum
21:38And she's got some moves too
21:40If this is half as good as it was in rehearsal
21:43You are in for a treat
21:45I'm Henry the Young King
21:48King Richard
21:49King John, yeah
21:50And this is our mum
21:51Eleanor of Aquitaine
21:53My name's Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
21:56Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, no, no
21:58Oh, oh, oh, oh
22:00First up, I was the queen of France
22:03Wife of King Louis VII was a bad romance
22:06Took a boat all the way across to England
22:08Gave the English king over there my hand
22:10Was my wish to be a really great mum
22:13Had boys Henry, Richard, and John
22:15But a happy family wasn't our thing
22:18Henry started up a war with his dad, the king
22:20Had to choose between my husband and my son
22:22That's a no-brainer for a mum
22:25I chose to try and help my boy Henry the rain
22:27So my hubby threw me into jail of shame
22:30Eleanor of Aquitaine
22:32My name's Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
22:34Three sons, they all want to reign
22:37My name's Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
22:39Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, no, no
22:42Oh, oh, oh, oh
22:44Young Henry died of this entry
22:47My son Richard now can set me free
22:49He didn't care about finding a young wife
22:52Seems he had a better plan for his own life
22:54Soon he went across the seas on a crusade
22:56Helped to rule in his place, what an accolade
22:59He got captured far away in another land
23:01Then things at home got out of hand
23:04Cause my boy Johnny got greedy
23:06Soon evaded, took a castle of two or three
23:09Told everyone he's broken
23:10Rich was dead
23:11And England was now his land is dead
23:14Eleanor of Aquitaine
23:15My name's Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
23:18Three sons, they all want to reign
23:20My name's Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
23:23Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, no, no
23:25Oh, oh, oh, oh
23:27I guess John was lying, saying Richard had died
23:30Traveled to Austria to be by his side
23:32To set him free, I paid for his release
23:35Bought him all the way home to this fight in my seas
23:37Made my boys promise to always be friends
23:40Gave Richard his crown back to his peaceful end
23:42Then I supported my youngest King John
23:44Tell you ain't no job harder than being a mom
23:47Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, no, no
23:50Yes, Queen
23:53I think we may have just seen the winner
23:55But you never know
23:56Because we're about to go old school
23:58With the ancient Egyptian entry
24:00Before there were kings and queens in Europe
24:02There were pharaohs in ancient Egypt
24:05And we have three of them here tonight
24:07Ramesses II, Hatshepsut, and Tutankhamun
24:12Singing ancient Egypt's entry
24:14It's a fun little number about what pharaohs do when they're dead
24:18Honestly, couldn't they have chosen a cheerier subject?
24:21But everyone will be humming this tune at the after party
24:24Not to mention the afterlife
24:27We all know we're heading to the valley of death
24:43We want eternal life after our last breath
24:46Cause I've been a pharaoh, got an imam on my head
24:49But when we die, we need help from the book of the dead
24:52It's a magic scroll of hymns to the sun god Ray
24:55To help us through the afterlife, there's many things we must say
24:58Like I've never uttered lies, never been an eavesdropper
25:01I have never raised my voice, lived my life so proper
25:04Every text is different, written for each soul
25:07But you know, in the end, we only got one goal
25:10These rules will remind us once we cease to be
25:13And help us live in peace for all eternity
25:16Been waiting all our lives to get into pharaoh's paradise
25:22Spells are written on two walls inside our mummy wrappings
25:37Even in gold mass and other pharaoh trappings
25:40Cause getting into paradise, you know it ain't easy
25:43Your heart is weighed against the feather, hope it ain't breezy
25:46Then we all bore the ferry, crossed the lily lake
25:49To the field of reeds, the ferryman will take us
25:52Then we'll meet our friends and our beloved pets
25:55In the field of reeds, we'll have eternal rest, yeah
25:58Yeah, death ain't nothing but a new form of living
26:01So glad we got the book of the dead and the advice it's given
26:05I'm 18 now, but will I ever see 20?
26:07Though you better hurry with my book, don't be slow, mm
26:11Been waiting all our lives to get into pharaoh's paradise
26:16These words will be our guides
26:19For living in a pharaoh's paradise
26:22Been spending most our lives
26:25Avoiding dangerous crocodiles
26:28Preparing all our lives
26:31For living in a pharaoh's paradise
26:34Well, the votes have been counted and verified
26:39And I'm ready to announce the winner
26:41Not that it matters, because music and history are the real winners here
26:45And none of our entries really mind about the results
26:49And the winner of the first and most probably last ever
26:57The Ractor Vision Song Contest is...
27:00Everyone!
27:04And yet you all won, so everyone can relax and...
27:08I won!
27:11Oh, well, at least they're fighting each other and not me
27:14I think I'll sneak out while they're not looking
27:16And if no one else wants that trophy
27:18I'm having it
27:19happily
27:23It'll be the next language of international languages
27:32Tha-tha-tha-tha-tha!
27:34If the party's no longer a mystery
27:37Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories
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