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Short filmTranscript
00:00Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians, slimy tours, far Victorian,
00:04Wokeful Wars, ferocious fights, stingy castles, daring knights,
00:07Horrors that did by description, cutthroat council, full ejection,
00:10Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes, pundits and formation dives,
00:12Roman rotten, rag and rootless, cavemen, savage, fierce and tubeless,
00:15Groovy Greeks, rainy safes, negativist in middle ages,
00:18Gory stories, we do that, and your host are talking rats,
00:23The past is no longer a mystery, welcome to
00:27Horrible Histories
00:31Horrible Histories presents Terrible Transport
00:36Camels, camels, camels, are you in second century Egypt?
00:41Do you need a camel? Of course you do, everyone needs camels
00:44Camels are the perfect mode of desert transport, they're strong, reliable,
00:48and need less water than your average donkey, ooh, no offence
00:51Camels, camels, camels, has camels for just 600 drug months
00:56But don't take my word for it, here it is right from the camel's mouth
01:00I'll take a camel
01:01Congratulations, you've just bought yourself a luxury camel
01:04From camels, camels, camels
01:06Warning, camels may spit and stay away from their mouths
01:10Uh, probably should have mentioned that sooner
01:12Yes, here at camels, camels, camels, we put camels for all your camel needs
01:16I need a camel, but they're not cheap
01:18I'd have to pay permits and fees to take them down certain roads
01:22And I'd have to pay extra high taxes compared with other animals
01:25Well, stop worrying, because here at camels, camels, camels, you can buy part of a camel
01:31And I don't just mean the legs
01:32You'll be sharing it with someone else and you'll save money
01:35Great, I'll take half a camel
01:37Done, you can share it with Steve
01:39Hello
01:39He's just paid
01:40Oh, I love my new camel
01:44Oh, remember to stay away from their mouths
01:46I really should open with that
01:48You need camels, we got camels
01:51But uh-oh, who's this?
01:52I work for the governor of Egypt
01:54I've come to take your camels
01:56I won't be paying you
01:58Well, help yourself
01:58And don't forget to stand right in front of their mouths
02:01It helps them bond with you
02:03Oh, thanks
02:03Good tip
02:04Camels, camels, camels
02:12For buying camels, renting camels
02:14And if you work for the governor, just taking them without paying
02:17I've got camel flop in my eyes
02:20So come on down to camels, camels, camels today
02:23Don't get the hump
02:25Get a camel
02:26I'm in 43 AD ancient Rome
02:31Where Edward Claudius has banned the use of carts in towns
02:35Along with all the other transportation
02:37Save walking on foot
02:39Welcome to Fast in the Past
02:42What's that I hear you say?
02:49No carts
02:50What's a handsome speed demon like you doing in a place like this?
02:55Well, the clever folks of ancient Rome might have come up with a workaround
02:59I'm here to review the Roman litter
03:02Don't be fooled by the name
03:04This beast is anything but rubbish
03:07It's a four-person powered, two-pole, one-seater celebration of Roman know-how
03:13Well, it goes to top speeds as fast as these guys can run
03:16And yes, don't worry
03:17It's ecologically friendly
03:19Because the engine is powered on whatever you feed them
03:22Let's take it for a spin
03:23Well, the makers of the litter claim it can go from zero to walking speed
03:28As long as it takes to say forward
03:31Forward
03:31Not bad
03:33Now, let's see what this baby's second gear running can do
03:37Lads, put your foot down fast
03:39Fast
03:40Boom, cappuccino
03:42Now, the effort of carrying a litter under the hot sun must be exhausting
03:46Not for me
03:47I'm on this luxurious upholstery
03:49And I've even got a roof
03:50Which protects me not only from the sun
03:52But from any wee or poo thrown from windows
03:55I hate my job
03:56And check this out
03:57I can control the vehicle using the simple voice-activated command system
04:02Stop!
04:03Stop!
04:05Back!
04:05Back!
04:06Yep, she's a classy little runaround
04:09And by classy, I mean that it's used only by the upper classes
04:13From important people all the way to the imperial family at the very top
04:17Stop!
04:18No, I didn't say stop, I said top, forward
04:21Forward!
04:22Put your backs into it
04:23Back!
04:24No, I didn't say back, forward
04:26Forward!
04:26You're letting yourselves down
04:27Down!
04:28Stop!
04:28Stop!
04:29As you can see, the control system can be a little temperamental
04:32So to sum up, in a town where carts are banned, it'll get you from E to B pretty fast
04:37Fast!
04:38No, no, no, no, no, guys, stop
04:39We're going in the river
04:40Going in the river!
04:41No!
04:44Imagine that
04:45Only being able to travel around by walking, being carried or riding a camel
04:51Before modern vehicles were invented, travelling anywhere would take ages
04:55Unless you were lucky enough to have a sailboat or a horse
04:59It's no wonder that people really looked after their animals
05:02Mind you, one particular man took that to a whole new level
05:06Hey guys, Henry VIII here
05:09HB3 in the house
05:11Or a field, uh, whatever
05:13Now, you all know that I'm into armour, hunting and food
05:16But today, I want to talk about horses
05:20I'm a horse nerd
05:22Horse nerd!
05:24I love horses
05:25They're the only way to travel
05:27Crocs
05:28Giant tunnel
05:29Gallop
05:30I especially love coming to my Barbary horse stable
05:32And hanging out with my horse handler
05:34Hannibal Zinzano
05:36Hello
05:37I love that name
05:39But not as much as I love horses
05:40I'm actually the first monarch to breed horses
05:43Especially for racing
05:44Tell them what I did when I was campaigning in France
05:46I believe you raced horses
05:48And why did I do that?
05:49Because you really love horses
05:52Because I really love horses!
05:54Mega horse nerd!
05:55One time, I bought 300 horses in Holland
05:58People often say
05:59Hey Henry, how many horses do you have?
06:01And I say
06:02Not enough!
06:03Bring me more horses!
06:04Super horse nerd!
06:06These are where I come to watch the working horses enjoy a happy retirement
06:10Oh, there's Connithida and Governator
06:12Aren't they lovely?
06:14Yes
06:14We thank you for your services, horses!
06:19Didn't I know?
06:22Thank you for your service, horses
06:23Bit better
06:24Mad respect to all horses!
06:27Some people say to me
06:28Oh, Henry, you must love all horses then
06:31And to them I say
06:31No!
06:32I do not love all horses
06:34Tiny horses
06:36Enrage me!
06:38That's why I had a law pass saying any horse over the age of two and shorter than 15 hands is banned
06:45Hands are a unit to measure a horse's height
06:47Which, if you loved horses as much as me, you'd already know!
06:50Any horse I thought was too short, I had destroyed!
06:53And I had them...
06:54Oh, are you talking about horses again?
06:59You knew this about me when you married me, Anne
07:00Well, if you love horses so much, why don't you marry one?
07:04Well, maybe I will!
07:06That's actually an awesome idea!
07:08Zijano!
07:09Find me a horse bride!
07:12No!
07:12Horse nerd out!
07:17Ooh, come in, boo!
07:19Oh, watch out!
07:20It's me!
07:21Oh, sorry, don't like me!
07:22Just driving a vehicle on the future!
07:24Oh, it is!
07:24It's called the Louse Machine!
07:26Or better known as...
07:27My Velocipede?
07:29That's a blooming dandy horse, that's what that is!
07:31Oi, watch your math!
07:32I'll have you know that this...
07:34Is the future of pedestrian acceleration!
07:37It's all the rage in Frankfurt!
07:38Ooh, Frankfurt!
07:40Ooh!
07:40Is the right response!
07:42I bet you're looking for a demonstration, aren't you?
07:44Not really!
07:44I say, what you want to do is get both legs on either side like that,
07:48and then get ready to ride like the wind, baby!
07:52Ooh-hoo!
07:53Come on, Phil, oh, jeez!
07:54Ooh!
07:55Excuse me, but...
07:56I know, I know!
07:57It's made entirely of wood, very perceptive.
07:59It's got a perch with a cushion on it, you know, for maximum booty comfort.
08:02No, I was wondering if you could move it.
08:05Your wheel's on my husband's foot.
08:06Of course!
08:07It's easy, you just lift it.
08:09There we are.
08:10Sorry, mate.
08:10So can it go uphills?
08:12No.
08:13Can it go downhills?
08:14Most certainly.
08:15If anything's too good at that, it doesn't have any brakes, so, uh, I've been one or two crashes.
08:20Shame there isn't another way of making the wheels turn.
08:22Well, what?
08:23Like, um, some way of giving you some thrust without having to walk it along.
08:26Now that would be a good invention.
08:29I think you find that this is a good invention, thank you very much.
08:33It doesn't mean thrusts and brakes.
08:36Oh, get off that thing.
08:37Who, me?
08:38You're my philosopher, Pete?
08:39He's dandy horse.
08:39I don't care what it's called.
08:41It's a blooming nuisance riding these in the payments band, so I'm going to take you in.
08:45Oh, dandy horse away!
08:46What is that called, that?
08:47You're on my husband's foot again.
08:49That's nasty, that.
08:50I wouldn't walk on that if I was you.
08:52Do you know what you need?
08:55Dandy horse, mate.
08:57Good morning.
08:59Annie Cohen-Kopchowski here.
09:01You find me on day one of my attempt to cycle around the globe, sponsored by the kind people
09:06at Londonderry Lithia Spring Water Company.
09:09I've even changed my name to Annie Londonderry.
09:12Plus, I've sold advertising on my clothing.
09:15Ah!
09:16And wait till you see my bloomers.
09:19Ooh!
09:19So, why am I doing this?
09:24Well, two idiot men had a bet that no woman could cycle around the world, so I'm here
09:28to prove them wrong.
09:30Plus, I will win $10,000 in a wager if I make it, when I make it.
09:37To be honest, I've never really cycled before, but I'm sure I'll be fine.
09:42I finally made it from Boston to New York, and now all the way here to Chicago.
09:55So where are you off to next, Annie?
09:56Oh, well, France, would you believe?
09:59In fact, I don't suppose you know how to get there from here in Chicago.
10:03All you gotta do is cycle all the way back to New York and jump on a ship.
10:08Back.
10:09All the way back to New York.
10:10Back.
10:10Okay.
10:11Thank you, sir.
10:12Back to New York.
10:13See you later.
10:17Hello from Marseille.
10:19This is Pierre.
10:20Say bonjour, Pierre.
10:21Bonjour, Pierre.
10:22Ah, him and a couple of his friends tried to rob me, but they soon set me free when they
10:27realized I didn't have anything.
10:28In the right, Pierre.
10:29Oui.
10:30Kind of regretting that now, but...
10:32Keep in touch, yeah?
10:37Honey?
10:41I've always wanted to visit Japan and China, and here in Dalian, I kind of get to do both,
10:47because they're fighting a war over it.
10:49Ah!
10:49Well, you can't cycle across oceans, can you?
11:01Do find me here in Stockton, California, back in the U.S. of A...
11:06I had a little scrape with a runaway horse and cock.
11:13Can I leave yet, Doc?
11:14No.
11:15What does he know?
11:17Oh, no.
11:19I made it.
11:21The first woman to cycle around the world.
11:26Laters, haters.
11:28Oh, ah.
11:30Can somebody get me a cushion?
11:31I don't know if I'll ever sit down again.
11:36Bicycles?
11:37They weren't regal enough for a queen like me to travel on.
11:41I preferred something a little more grand, which is why I was actually the first ever British monarch to travel by train.
11:48Choo-choo!
11:49Albert, I'm having second thoughts. It's so dangerous.
11:57Don't worry, Victoria. You're just nervous because you haven't been on a train journey before.
12:02Oh, but the speed!
12:03It only goes at 44 miles an hour.
12:08It's just a short journey from Slough to London and...
12:11Oh, we're moving.
12:12Okay.
12:13Is there a chance that you're a teensy-weensy bit nervous, darling Albert?
12:18Well, no. I've taken the train many times. You know how interested I am in new technology.
12:23Ah! My life flashed before my eyes. It was all green.
12:26I think that was just a tree, babe.
12:28Might be worth saying. Not quite so fast next time, conductor. Hmm?
12:32I'm actually rather charmed by it.
12:34Let's ask the driver if we can go via the seaside.
12:38Driver!
12:38I'm afraid it doesn't work like that, dear. The train is on tracks. The driver can't simply choose where to go.
12:45What an extraordinary way to travel. Oh, look! Lots of people have come out to say hello.
12:51How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? How do you...
12:54It's not a very good way to meet the public, is it?
12:56We should ask the driver to go back so we can speak to them properly.
13:00Driver!
13:01At these startling speeds, my dear, those people are already a mile away.
13:06Oh, well, we are going to have to go back anyway. I've left the cake at home.
13:10Windsor Castle, please, driver!
13:13Remember, the train is on tracks.
13:16If we wish to go back, we have to go to the end of the line and turn the train around.
13:20Oh, and please stop talking about fools.
13:22Look at the countryside whizzing by!
13:25Yeah, I'd really rather not.
13:27OK, fine. I suppose we're nearly there.
13:30Let's have our picnic.
13:32Oh, cow's tongue.
13:34We need to turn around.
13:44Oh, darling, I'm afraid that isn't how it works.
13:47It's on tracks, you see?
13:51We'll catch on.
13:51Good day.
13:55I'm here in 1863, where the London Underground has just opened.
14:00Oh, yes, yes, we've now got special underground tunnels that can transport people halfway across the city.
14:07Sadly, we're using the same steam-blowing engines that we use up in the open air down here in the tunnels.
14:13Oh, the smell of smoke down here is awful.
14:17So, what did the train guards petition the company to be allowed to do to protect themselves from the fumes?
14:23Was it...
14:24The answer is A. The guards asked to be allowed to grow beards.
14:38Oh, it really is a triumph of engineering.
14:41Just a shame I can't see it through all the smoke.
14:44Probably the most popular form of transport is the car.
14:50There are over a billion around the world, and most of them aren't very good for the environment.
14:56They use fossil fuels and release harmful emissions.
15:00Oh, we all do it.
15:03Of course, I try to protect the planet whenever I can by walking or riding a bike instead of driving a car.
15:09Also, people tend to stare when they see a rat driving.
15:14Of course, when the first car came out in 1885, it didn't look much like cars do now.
15:20To be honest, I can't believe this thing ever caught on.
15:29Say, couldn't talk to the Ben's first class.
15:32The very first practical, available-to-buy car.
15:36That's right, I said car, not cart.
15:41The Ben's patent motor wagon is a three-wheel, steering-rod-controlled, petrol-driven, savage monster of a horseless carriage.
15:50There's nothing green about this beauty, unless that's the colour you're buying it in.
15:55It's a vehicle so new and impressive that inventor Carl Benz's own local newspaper said it was useless, ridiculous, and indecent.
16:07Except they said it in German, which just looks like a cat walked across a typewriter.
16:12Needless to say, the government busybodies have insisted that when using the UK model,
16:17you have a chap like this walking in front of you waving a red flag.
16:21Guten Morgen.
16:22Hier is meine rote flage.
16:24Gobbledygook.
16:25The Benz patent motor wagon can do speeds in over nine miles an hour and can go from zero to two miles an hour fast.
16:35Then you can say, what's that roaring sound?
16:37For my money, this first-class Benz is the greatest human achievement since William Wheel created the wheel, probably.
16:45But don't take my word for it. Let's hear it from an expert.
16:49This is Bertha Benz.
16:51Big eight?
16:53Literally means nothing.
16:54It means, how's it going? But you're clearly too ignorant to know that.
16:58Thank you very much.
16:59My name is Bertha Benz, the inventor Carl Benz's wife and colleague.
17:04I drove this car on its first long-distance journey when I travelled over 80 kilometres to visit my mother.
17:12Well, there you go. A complex machine so simple, even a rank amateur like her can have a go.
17:18It's incredibly complicated.
17:20We had to stop at a chemist along the road to get petrol because that was the only place that sold it.
17:25And when the car broke down, I managed to fix it with my hairpin and my underwear.
17:30Well, because you can't use real tools.
17:32So there we have it, the 1885 Benz patented motor wagon.
17:42It may be the first car, but it definitely won't be the last one like it we see on the market.
17:47I'm betting you're going to get sleeker and faster, but luckily for now I can outrun this one.
17:55Anyone know the German for slowdown?
17:57Coming soon.
18:02I used to go through life walking slow.
18:07Oh, oh, that isn't me, but that is, I'm Walter Arnold and I'm a speed demon.
18:15I don't know who that other guy is, just to be clear.
18:18You must be going at eight miles an hour.
18:21And I can go one more faster than that.
18:23Now I've got an automobile, my life's one endless high-octane road trip.
18:28Oi! You can't go at that speed in town. The limit's two miles an hour.
18:33Slow down or I'll charge you with speeding.
18:35You'll have to catch me first.
18:37Fine.
18:37I'm a speed demon.
18:42Hear the roar of my engine.
18:45Eat my dust cover.
18:47I'm right behind you.
18:49Dream on, cyclist.
18:52Oh, I thought I was going faster than that.
18:56I was the fastest man of 1896.
18:59But I wasn't fast enough.
19:02Impressive cycling.
19:03What's the charge?
19:05Driving at over two miles per hour.
19:06Ha! I'll be back on the street in no time.
19:09I'm also charging you with not having three persons in control of the vehicle,
19:13not having your name and address in the vehicle,
19:14and using a locomotive without a horse.
19:17What? Are those real charges?
19:19Yeah, I think so.
19:21You're actually the first person who's ever been charged for speeding.
19:23Unbelievable.
19:25I'm the first.
19:27And I'm furious.
19:29The first and the furious.
19:34Having conquered travel on land and sea,
19:36it's time for some blue sky thinking.
19:40That's right.
19:40I'm talking about flying.
19:42And way before planes,
19:44people took to the sky in hot air balloons.
19:47The first balloon flight was in France in 1783,
19:51and the passengers weren't people,
19:53but a sheep,
19:55a duck,
19:55and a cockerel.
19:57Where was my invite?
20:00Balloon mania took off,
20:02and soon people were going on big, ambitious adventures.
20:06There it is,
20:10Monsieur Jeffries,
20:11the coast of France.
20:13You can feel very proud.
20:15Your American money has paid for the first cross-channel hot air balloon flight in history.
20:22Thanks to your French expertise,
20:24Mr. Blanchard.
20:25Our names will go down in history.
20:28The first people to fly from England to France.
20:32We are the perfect team.
20:34Yes, we are.
20:36Ah, the skies.
20:38Yes.
20:39The birds.
20:40Yes.
20:40And the sea's so close,
20:42you can nearly touch it.
20:44Yes.
20:45Wait.
20:46What do you mean, close?
20:48Ah!
20:48We're too heavy.
20:50We must get rid of everything that we do not need.
20:52You, jump out.
20:54How dare you, sir?
20:56Whoa!
20:57Can we lose the wings?
20:58But if we lose the wings,
21:00it won't look anything like a bird.
21:02You're right.
21:02Let us lose the wings.
21:04What about yours?
21:08We're still too low.
21:10Oh, look.
21:10We've got to smash it through the cliff.
21:12Okay.
21:13Take off your clothes.
21:14What?
21:14For the weight.
21:15Oh, right.
21:16Yeah, yeah, okay.
21:21It's not enough.
21:23My nerves are making me need the little balloonist room.
21:25That's it?
21:26We in these bottles and then throw them over the side.
21:29Oh.
21:29Oh.
21:30Oh.
21:34Oh.
21:37Oh.
21:38Oh.
21:40Still going.
21:42Mm-hmm.
21:43Ah.
21:43Wow.
21:45Two and a half liters of pee-pee.
21:48I didn't know I'd been holding it in for so long.
21:50Oh.
21:51Watch out for the fishermen.
21:52Ah, whatever.
21:53Sacre bleu.
21:55We, we did it.
21:56We're rising.
21:57We really are the perfect team.
22:02Ha, ha.
22:03Oh.
22:06Watch out for those trees.
22:08Ah.
22:08Well, Blanchard, we're alive, and we successfully made the crossing.
22:19He must be so happy.
22:21I'd be happier if I hadn't just landed in a fair tree with no trousers on.
22:26My underwear is all full of needles.
22:30Jeffries, someone's coming.
22:33Well, it seems like an angry French fisherman with two and a half liters of pee-pee.
22:38You dropped this.
22:40I thought I'd give it back to you.
22:44Whoa.
22:46That's a lot of pee-pee.
22:47Please welcome today's historical figure who really needs the loo, Amy Johnson.
23:17Greetings, friend.
23:22Are you Amy Johnson, famous British pilot from the 1930s and first woman to fly a solo from London to Australia?
23:29Yes, I am.
23:30I fly a little jet-seed-muff biplane I call Jason.
23:34Oh, I see so.
23:36Ha, ha.
23:36You really need to unload some cargo.
23:38Don't touch that.
23:39I don't know what it does.
23:40Not to worry.
23:41You're in the right place.
23:43Because I am...
23:45Blumen!
23:45During World War II, you flew planes all over Britain to make sure they were in the right place for the war effort.
23:53An important job.
23:54But where do you do your jobs?
23:56Well, when I flew from England to Australia, I stopped off in Baghdad and I was so desperate, I just peed on the runway.
24:03Well, that doesn't need to happen here.
24:05As long as you answer two questions about your life, it's time for...
24:11Plot quiz!
24:14Now...
24:14Answer questions one and two, and I'll let you do a...
24:17Blumen!
24:19Fine, but can we please hurry it along a little?
24:21My tyres are almost touching the runway!
24:23Question number one.
24:24On your long-distance flights, did you have any proper disasters?
24:29Well, when I was flying across the Atlantic, we ran out of fuel and landed in a bog.
24:34Bog?
24:35That's in the toilet!
24:36Oh, no.
24:37Oh, sorry.
24:38I understand where the confusion came.
24:40I'm in a swamp.
24:41Okay, well, question number two.
24:43Gets me every time.
24:44If you're in a plane for a long time, how do you fit in your toilet time?
24:49Oh, well, I have something called a pee tube, and if I need to go, blast me into that.
24:58Is this nearly over?
25:00I've got a very heavy bomber in there, and it's really pushing on the hangar doors.
25:04You have done more than enough.
25:06You may pass.
25:08Solid.
25:09No!
25:09Join me next time, when I'll be stopping more historical celebrities from having a poo to ask questions just for you.
25:18Bombs away!
25:23Amy Johnson was one of the many brave women and men whose courage, imagination, and spirit of adventure helped us take to the skies.
25:33Thanks to her, and the many who came before and after, it wasn't long before the idea of flying was really taking off.
25:42Let's all get this right.
25:50We're talking about flight.
25:53Started in Asia with a kite.
25:56Things were looking bright.
25:59Da Vinci was keen.
26:02Drew a flying machine.
26:05But it was never seen.
26:08Flight remained his dream.
26:10Then very soon, the first hot air balloon in France took to the sky.
26:19With animals on board, people weren't prepared to risk their lives.
26:24The balloons were all the rage, rage, rage, rage, rage.
26:27Blanchard took center stage, stage, stage, stage, stage.
26:30Wrote himself the history page, page, page, page, page.
26:33By taking off, taking off.
26:36Then the gliders on the scene, scene, scene, scene, scene.
26:39Then an airship powered by steam, steam, steam, steam, steam.
26:42Flight was no longer a dream, dream, dream, dream, dream.
26:45Taking off, it's taking off.
26:47Then into the limelight.
26:50Step the brothers right.
26:53They really hit the heights.
26:56First motor-powered flights.
26:58The first plane to touch down, down, down, down, down, down.
27:02Flew to England from France.
27:05Harriet Quinby followed suit.
27:08The first woman to boot.
27:11Those planes kept cruising.
27:14Distances improving.
27:17Soon pilots were flying.
27:20Crossed new skies.
27:21The first transatlantic flights.
27:24The first plane to touch down, down, down, down, down.
27:27John O'Connor caulking on the ground, ground, ground, ground, ground.
27:30The limelight claimed the solo ground, ground, ground, ground, ground.
27:33Taking off.
27:34We're taking off.
27:36Amelia Earhart did the same, same, same, same, same.
27:39And Amy Johnson flew her plane, plane, plane, plane, plane.
27:42Long-distance records were her aim, aim, aim, aim, aim.
27:45She flew to arms.
27:46Frees her arms.
27:47Then we have to fly to space, space, space, space, space.
27:51To get their walls away, race, race, race, race, race.
27:54Walking on the moon to blaze, blaze, blaze, blaze, blaze.
27:57Blasting off.
27:58We're blasting off.
28:00Now the future's coming soon, soon, soon, soon, soon.
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