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Taskmaster - S20 E02 - Cows Are Made of Milk
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FunTranscript
00:00Oh
00:02No
00:18Nothing's ever straight forward in this stupid house
00:30Hello! Thank you! Thank you!
00:36Welcome to Taskmaster, the great leveller.
00:40Comedians come with their plaudits on their impressive careers and achievements
00:44and soon realise that in this arena, they're just people.
00:47Simply humans taking on life's challenges.
00:50Which throws up the question I get asked in the street all the time.
00:54Will we, the members of the public, ever get to be on the show?
00:57No, not on my watch.
01:00Why?
01:01I simply don't want you on it.
01:04Ever.
01:05Leave it!
01:07Line drawn. Let's move on.
01:09Let's meet the people who deserve to be here.
01:12They are...
01:13Anya Magliano!
01:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:16Maisie Anna!
01:18Phil Ellis!
01:20Ruth Shearsmith!
01:22And Sanji Bhaskar!
01:25And next to me, a lover, a fighter, a bit of a biter.
01:30He's got a wonky tooth and his hair's got much whiter.
01:34He's a little at all!
01:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:38What are we chatting about?
01:40I've got my first Swiss arm.
01:47This guy can do anything.
01:48You want your phone charged?
01:49You get it.
01:50Ooh!
01:51Would you like to measure a circumference?
01:54OK, then.
01:56Is it retractable?
01:58Sort...sort of.
01:59Oh, you've got some noodles?
02:01I've got some chopsticks.
02:03There's still some noodles in your teeth.
02:05It's OK.
02:06I've got floss.
02:07LAUGHTER
02:09Would you like everything to be a bit more mysterious?
02:11Yes, please.
02:12Ooh!
02:13Ooh!
02:16Wow!
02:17And those are all the functions.
02:19And so on we march.
02:22What's the prize task category, please?
02:24Well, this one could take a while, Greg,
02:26because they've each brought in the object that is hardest to describe.
02:31Ooh!
02:32The most indescribable wins five points,
02:34and all five objects will go home with the episode winner,
02:37who will then struggle to describe them to whoever they live with.
02:40If they do live with other people,
02:41I haven't asked them about that sort of thing yet.
02:44All right, then.
02:45Phil, what's your indescribable object?
02:47Er, I've brought in the, er, the Treaty of Versailles.
02:51LAUGHTER
02:52Here it is.
02:53The actual one?
02:54Yeah, yeah.
02:55I pulled a few strings.
02:57LAUGHTER
02:58Do you know anything about the Treaty of Versailles?
03:00Well, it's just bringing Versailles together, wasn't it?
03:02You know, like,
03:03come on, guys.
03:04Come on, Versailles.
03:05We all want a holiday here.
03:06Yeah.
03:07Let's put our differences aside,
03:09reopen the water park,
03:11and let's have a lovely bank holiday Monday.
03:14Are you saying that you can't describe the Treaty of Versailles
03:17because you don't know what it's about?
03:18Yeah.
03:19Yeah, pretty much.
03:21Anya,
03:22have you got something that's impossible to describe?
03:24I think you should just show it,
03:25and you tell me if you can describe it.
03:27Ooh!
03:28Power move.
03:29OK, Greg, try to describe this.
03:31OK.
03:33A box of shit?
03:38No, it's got other stuff in it.
03:41A lightbulb.
03:42Yeah, but you don't know what lamp it's from.
03:47Yeah, she's got me.
03:48Yeah.
03:49I think you're impressed, but you're trying to fight it.
03:52What would be my motivation for fighting it?
03:56Childhood.
04:02She's right, isn't she, Mum?
04:06Maisie?
04:07Yeah, I brought in being in the womb.
04:09LAUGHTER
04:10We've all been there, but can any of us describe it?
04:14Mm.
04:15Can you remember it?
04:16I can't.
04:17Can you describe what it was like when we were there?
04:18I can't.
04:19We weren't in it together, but, like...
04:21LAUGHTER
04:22But, yeah, being in the womb.
04:23So, here is the womb.
04:24Yeah, it is.
04:25LAUGHTER
04:26It's really good.
04:27It's the only prize I want to win.
04:30LAUGHTER
04:31Sanjee, can you do better or worse?
04:33Oh, worse.
04:34Let's go.
04:35Just have a look at it, yeah.
04:36Oh.
04:37I mean...
04:38Is it an electronic game?
04:39Go for it.
04:40Well, it's a fidget toy, isn't it?
04:41Yeah.
04:42But that's what it is.
04:43That's not a description of it.
04:44No.
04:45Oh, that's very much a description of it.
04:46No, it isn't.
04:47It's like saying there's a man outside.
04:49Yeah.
04:50Does that describe him?
04:51No.
04:52LAUGHTER
04:53OK, he's right.
04:54It's a handheld tool for focus and relief.
04:57LAUGHTER
05:00What did I tell you about deleting your internet history?
05:02LAUGHTER
05:04Race.
05:05I have brought in an item from my Cabinet of Curiosities.
05:09Here is his item.
05:11LAUGHTER
05:13Oh, God.
05:14I absolutely hate it.
05:16LAUGHTER
05:17I'll let you into a secret.
05:18I made it.
05:19Get out of town.
05:21LAUGHTER
05:22What is the head?
05:23It was an owl.
05:25LAUGHTER
05:27LAUGHTER
05:28I took the face off.
05:30I absolutely hate it.
05:35LAUGHTER
05:36OK, we've seen all five.
05:37OK.
05:38Which is the easiest to describe, Craig?
05:39The easiest is the well-known Treaty of Messiah.
05:43LAUGHTER
05:45The Treaty of Messiah.
05:46I was, erm, tossing up between the box of rubbish
05:51and the fidget game, and I've decided to give fidget game
05:55two points because it is recognisable as a kind of game.
05:58OK.
05:59Whereas this is just boxes of weird stuff that's not connected,
06:01so it's a little harder to describe three points.
06:03OK.
06:04Womb or thing?
06:05Womb or thing?
06:06LAUGHTER
06:07I think probably I'll have to give thing four points,
06:09because there are things I recognise about the thing,
06:12but I've got no concept of being in the womb,
06:14so I must give that five points.
06:15Very good.
06:16Wow.
06:17APPLAUSE
06:18Let's get a hold of the task properly.
06:21Right away.
06:22And we begin with a quick sense check,
06:25followed by some segregation.
06:27Here we go.
06:28Good luck.
06:44Ooh.
06:45Hello.
06:46Hi.
06:47Who's that?
06:48It's Maisie.
06:49Oh.
06:50Who are you?
06:51Anya.
06:52Should I do something?
06:53You should open the task.
06:55Oh, God, right.
06:57OK.
06:58Sorry.
06:59This is quite sexy, isn't it?
07:01I feel like I should be putting a coin in a slot
07:03and I get to see you for, like, 30 seconds,
07:05whilst you dance.
07:08Right, I'll crack on with it.
07:11Identify Alex's five things.
07:14You may only use one sense.
07:16If you choose hearing, you get five points per item.
07:20Smell, four points.
07:22Taste, three points.
07:23Touch, two points.
07:25Sight, one point.
07:27Oh.
07:29Highest total score wins.
07:30You have a maximum of ten minutes.
07:32Your time starts as soon as you have decided which sense you will be using.
07:35And I'm looking for an adjective and a noun.
07:38An adjective?
07:39I would like you to tell me which sense you're going to be using.
07:41Oh.
07:42And I'm going to go for hearing.
07:44Do you know what the hell?
07:45Go for hearing.
07:46Oh, yeah.
07:47Yeah.
07:48Go out in a blaze of glory.
07:49I'm going to go smell.
07:50On the board between us.
07:52Uh-huh.
07:53There's a tiny little triangle shape, nose-ish.
07:56Am I going to have to put my nose in the hole?
07:58You're going to have to put your nose in the hole.
07:59Was I going to have to put my tongue in the hole?
08:01You were going to have to put your tongue in the hole.
08:02OK, I think I've made a good decision.
08:04I'm going to go right down the middle.
08:05I'm going to go taste.
08:06I'm going to taste it.
08:07Sure.
08:08I'm going to go taste all the way down.
08:10So, what I need you to do is put the blindfold on,
08:12the nose clip and the ear defenders.
08:14Oh, flippin' it.
08:15That's it.
08:16Eye mask is on.
08:18OK, it's on.
08:19Eye mask is on.
08:20Nose clip on.
08:21Well, what do you think?
08:23APPLAUSE
08:25All these series and at last we finally have
08:28a facial glory hole on the show.
08:31Sanjeev, you chose hearing.
08:33Yeah, I did.
08:34And said, because I intend to go out in a blaze of glory.
08:36Absolutely.
08:37I sense you couldn't care less.
08:40Marvellous.
08:41Who are we seeing first?
08:42Well, we're going to see one lone identifier to begin with,
08:45using only her sense of smell.
08:47It is Anya's Magliano's.
08:54Ah!
08:55Please put your nose through the nose hole.
08:57Coming through.
08:59Sniff.
09:01Oh, this is really hard.
09:06I'm going to say,
09:07fashionable watch.
09:09Fashionable watch.
09:10Yes.
09:11Item number two.
09:12Yes, please.
09:14Tiny cow.
09:16Tiny cow.
09:18Next item.
09:19It's got hay or something.
09:20It kind of smells like the London Dungeons.
09:23I'm just going to turn it the other way up.
09:24OK.
09:26Sniff.
09:27Oh, less of a smell on that side.
09:29Can I have the first side again, please?
09:32Oh, God.
09:33This is really frustrating.
09:35You've only got two and a half minutes.
09:36OK.
09:37I'm going to go scarecrow.
09:39OK.
09:40Is that your full answer?
09:41No.
09:42Scrigledy scarecrow.
09:44Scrigledy, is it?
09:45Item four.
09:46Sniff.
09:47Coffee.
09:48Something smells a bit like coffee.
09:49OK.
09:50Cold coffee.
09:51Why do you think it's cold?
09:52Because it smells cold.
09:54Can I have the last item, please?
09:56Here it comes.
09:57Ooh, that smells nice.
09:59It smells like yoghurt.
10:00Coconut-y yoghurt.
10:02Coconut-y yoghurt.
10:03Yeah.
10:04That's the end, Anya.
10:05Well done and goodbye.
10:06OK.
10:07See you one day.
10:08See you one day.
10:13Interestingly, away from the context of your face,
10:16your nose looks prosthetic, I think.
10:18It looks like a sort of lone soldier going over into the battlefield.
10:22I can't handle this.
10:23I'll go over the top myself.
10:24Yeah.
10:25Stay there, face.
10:26Yeah.
10:27What did she say tiny cow to?
10:29The wet teeth you thought was a tiny cow.
10:31Wet teeth?
10:32Wet teeth, yes.
10:33They were wet teeth.
10:34It is disgusting.
10:35They were real wet teeth.
10:37But cows are made of milk.
10:39No, cows have milk in them.
10:42And teeth.
10:43Teeth of calcium in them.
10:44So that's what I was probably picking up on.
10:46Yeah.
10:47Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:48You've got the calcium coming through your nose.
10:50Anyway, the yoghurt.
10:51She got some points at last.
10:52Yeah.
10:53She chose smell, so it's four points per correct item.
10:56She got the yoghurt.
10:57She said coconut yoghurt.
10:58It wasn't coconut.
10:59It was a plain grey yoghurt.
11:00But we'll give her the four for saying yoghurt.
11:01You want to give four?
11:02Oh, God.
11:03Even though it was coconut yoghurt?
11:05Look, mate, we're sticking hair on staplers.
11:07We'll give them...
11:08Next.
11:09Yes, please.
11:10It's Maisie and Rhys, who both have great taste.
11:13Or do they?
11:14I'm just going to create a little hole for your mouth.
11:18Excellent.
11:19Ooh.
11:20That's my finger.
11:21That's your finger.
11:22That's where your mouth is going to go.
11:24OK, I'm ready.
11:25Right.
11:26I would love to see your mouth.
11:27There it is.
11:28Can I nail?
11:29You do whatever you're comfortable with.
11:30Go.
11:31Are you ready for item number one?
11:32Yes.
11:33Have a taste of this.
11:34Pop it in the mouth?
11:35In your mouth.
11:36I need to get a good grip on its texture.
11:37OK, here it comes.
11:38I'm trying to make it...
11:40There we go.
11:41That's a frozen flannel.
11:42Frozen flannel.
11:43Yeah.
11:44You spend four and a half minutes on item number one.
11:45Right, go on.
11:46Move on.
11:47OK.
11:48Frozen...
11:49I would ask you to not consume this.
11:50Ready?
11:51Uh-huh.
11:52I don't, er...
11:53I don't think they're not teeth, are they?
11:54Do you want me to write down human teeth?
11:55No.
11:56I can't write down teeth.
11:57Er...
11:58It feels good.
11:59No.
12:00No.
12:01No.
12:02No.
12:03No.
12:04No.
12:05No.
12:06No.
12:07No.
12:08No.
12:09No.
12:10No.
12:11No.
12:12No.
12:13No.
12:14No.
12:15No.
12:16No.
12:17No.
12:18No.
12:19No.
12:20Er...
12:21Feels like they are little plastic beads.
12:23Right, plastic beads and I've crossed out human teeth.
12:25Yeah.
12:26Wet beads.
12:27Wet beads.
12:28Yeah.
12:29Item number three.
12:30Could you put it in the now?
12:35Hmm, I suppose so.
12:37Come on.
12:41Oh.
12:42Would you like the other way up?
12:43No, I don't want to do that again.
12:45It's like putting my tongue into a...
12:48A fairy hole.
12:50It's a stack of scissors.
12:51A lovely pair of scissors.
12:53You think we'd let you lick scissors, do you?
12:55No.
12:56A furry key ring.
12:57A hairy cone.
12:58Lovely.
13:00Good boy.
13:04Is it jam?
13:05What's the word when jam has got bits in it?
13:09Bitty jam.
13:11Caramelised sugar.
13:12Caramelised sugar.
13:13Yeah.
13:14One more item.
13:15Yeah?
13:16I need your mouth.
13:17Oh, yeah.
13:21Is that the hole?
13:22If you want.
13:23Ready?
13:24Oh.
13:25Here it comes.
13:26There we go.
13:30Oh, I know that.
13:31Oh!
13:32It's on the tip of my tongue.
13:33Right, what is it?
13:34I'm going to say a spoonful of yoghurt.
13:35Yoghurt.
13:36It's yoghurt.
13:37It's yoghurt.
13:38It's yoghurt.
13:39I need an adjective.
13:40It's...
13:41It's...
13:42Er...
13:43Strawberry yoghurt.
13:44Plain.
13:45It is a strawberry yoghurt.
13:46Greek.
13:47Plain.
13:48You can take everything off now.
13:49You may not look this size.
13:50Yeah.
13:51Yeah.
13:52Yeah.
13:53Yeah.
13:54Yeah.
13:55Yeah.
13:56Yeah.
13:57Yeah.
13:58Yeah.
13:59Yeah.
14:00Yeah.
14:01Yeah.
14:02Yeah.
14:03Yeah.
14:04Yeah.
14:05Yeah.
14:06Yeah.
14:07Yeah.
14:08I mean, there were so many disturbing images.
14:13Your mouth coming through my nose, eating yoghurt.
14:18Absolutely one of the most horrific things I've ever seen.
14:21There's all sorts of half marks there, I think.
14:24Yeah.
14:25Frozen flannel, frozen cloth.
14:26How many points?
14:27Well, one and a half points each.
14:28One and a half points each.
14:29Yeah.
14:30We've got wet beads or plastic beads.
14:31Or human teeth.
14:32Formerly human teeth.
14:33It is extraordinary for him to have got teeth, so I have to give him something.
14:37We're going one and a half, one and a half again?
14:38Yeah, one and a half.
14:39Give another one and a half.
14:40OK.
14:41Then we've got furry keyring or hairy comb.
14:43Yeah.
14:44So, one and a half each.
14:45Sugar, it was sticky sprinkles, or bitty jam.
14:48I don't think bitty jam.
14:49I don't think bitty jam gets anything.
14:51Nothing for bitty jam.
14:52Anything for caramelised sugar?
14:53Come on.
14:54We're not breaking things down to their constituents.
14:55So, nothing for jam or sugar.
14:56Finally, strawberry yoghurt or plain yoghurt?
14:59Plain yoghurt is the full three points.
15:02Of course it is.
15:03And half marks for strawberry yoghurt?
15:05Yes, of course, because it's not strawberry, but it is yoghurt.
15:07OK.
15:08Great.
15:09I'll get to the point quickly.
15:11It's break time.
15:12Bye.
15:13Hello.
15:14Welcome back to Taskmaster.
15:15Before the break, they were trying to work out what five things I had on my side of the divider using only one of their senses.
15:32We've seen Anya guessing with her smell, Maisie and Rhys with their taste.
15:37And now, finally, it's Phil and Sanjeev's turn with their ears.
15:42Oh, God.
15:43It's not going to be at the most convenient height.
15:45What angle do you want me at?
15:46Just tell me where you want me to be.
15:48I just want a great...
15:49Ow!
15:50Who is this designed for?
15:51That looks perfect.
15:52What?
15:53Are you ready to start listening?
15:55I'm ready.
15:56Well, here's item number one.
15:57Ready to listen carefully?
15:58Yep.
15:59It could be...
16:05Oh, God.
16:06Is it a mossy walk?
16:08A mossy walk?
16:09Yeah, no.
16:10Scrap that.
16:11It's a...
16:13It sounds like a scourer.
16:15Like a green scourer.
16:16A green scourer.
16:18Rough scourer.
16:19It doesn't have to be the colour, does it?
16:20No.
16:21I'm going to go cleaning cloth.
16:22Next item.
16:24Oh, I don't like it.
16:26Dice.
16:27What sort of dice?
16:28Small.
16:29Small dice.
16:30OK.
16:31A brush of some kind?
16:33A brush?
16:34A hard bristled brush.
16:35A hard bristled brush.
16:36Yeah.
16:37Right, so we're going down the cleaning route so far.
16:39Yeah.
16:40Item number three.
16:49Are you still there, Sanjeev?
16:51Yeah, just about.
16:52I don't...
16:53I don't understand what the rubbing is.
16:55Is it a stapler?
16:57Fabric stapler.
16:58A what stapler?
16:59That's not a thing, is it?
17:01What am I writing down?
17:02Fabric stapler, please.
17:04OK, your ear's a bit low.
17:05Mm-hm.
17:06That's my stapler.
17:07OK.
17:08Grabby thing.
17:09That sounds like a grabby thing with a spring.
17:12Am I writing down grabby thing?
17:14Yeah, you might as well.
17:15I've got anything better.
17:16Metallic grabby thing.
17:18Metallic grabby thing.
17:19Yeah.
17:20Item number four.
17:21Listen very carefully to this.
17:22Yeah.
17:25Oh, fuck.
17:28I don't know.
17:29It's a comb.
17:30No, toothbrush.
17:31What's the adjective?
17:32Child's toothbrush.
17:33Isn't that a scourer?
17:34A plastic scourer.
17:35Plastic scourer.
17:36Plastic scourer.
17:37Lovely.
17:38Final item.
17:43It's really relaxing.
17:45Sounds like a small fountain that you find in a massage parlour, apparently.
17:50It could be a ping pong ball.
17:54It could be a ping pong ball or a bat.
17:56It's a caveter.
17:57It's one of those water things.
17:59The bird that keeps dipping.
18:01Death toy.
18:02Yeah, that's a straw moving a ping pong ball in a jar of water.
18:07Wow.
18:08Very specific, that one.
18:09Thank you very much.
18:10Would you like to hear any again?
18:12No.
18:13Ever.
18:14Thanks very much.
18:15See you, Timothy.
18:16Well, so I thought it was going to be a total disaster with your first guess, Mossy Walk.
18:24We've all been on one.
18:26But the big one, he landed the big fish.
18:29Fabric stapler.
18:30Wow.
18:31Just with his ears.
18:34Hello.
18:35There was a period where you were very still and your head was against it and I genuinely thought you were fully asleep.
18:41I...
18:42I had passed out.
18:44And then I was awoken by a strange noise.
18:47Was it metallic grabby thing?
18:49Yeah, in a way.
18:50That does describe a stapler, doesn't it?
18:52I'm going to give you 2.5 marks for metallic grabby thing.
18:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:57Very generous of you.
18:59Well, I guess that means that, Sanjeev, you got 2.5 points, you're in last place, so you get one actual point.
19:03Ah.
19:04Blaze of glory!
19:05OK.
19:06Anya, you get 2 points.
19:09Phil, you get 3 points.
19:11Maisie, you come second, you get 4 points.
19:13In first place, he's scored 7.5 points.
19:16It's Rhys Shearsmith!
19:17He gets the prize!
19:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:21Who licked human teeth to victory.
19:23Let's see the scoreboard.
19:25Well, we're in familiar territory.
19:27Sanjeev's in last place on three, but at the top, it's Rhys and Maisie on 9 points.
19:31Wow!
19:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:34Very good.
19:35Another task.
19:36Right away, please.
19:37OK.
19:38OK.
19:39I have the first team task for you, Greg, and it's going to be super.
19:59Hello, Alex.
20:00Hello, Maisie.
20:02What can you see?
20:04Two ducks in a bath.
20:06It's difficult to remember what was here before, innit?
20:09In a way, yeah.
20:10It is for...
20:13Hi.
20:14Hi, Rhys.
20:15How are you?
20:16Yeah, good, thanks.
20:17Nice to...
20:18Nice to meet you.
20:19You all right?
20:20Yeah, yeah, you all right?
20:21Rhys, Maisie, Maisie, Rhys.
20:22Hi, how are you?
20:23Yeah, very well.
20:24Very well.
20:25You're a team.
20:26We're a team!
20:27We're gonna be a team.
20:28This is exciting.
20:29Oh, I thought you were a task.
20:30Like, I thought you were...
20:31No, I'm a real person.
20:32Those ducks are wearing the same clothes as me.
20:34So the ducks are all of us?
20:37Oh!
20:39Hello.
20:40Hello.
20:41I'm Anya.
20:42Hi, Anya.
20:43Nice to meet you.
20:44No way.
20:47Hello.
20:48Oh, hey, guys.
20:49You all right?
20:50I love it.
20:51Hello.
20:52Hello.
20:53First time meeting?
20:54Yeah.
20:55The three of you are a team.
20:56I feel like a part of a family, finally.
20:58There's a task behind you.
21:00What?
21:01Oh.
21:02Go on.
21:03Do you want to look at it?
21:04Shall I look at it?
21:05No, you do it.
21:06Each team member must hook a duck.
21:08Silently read the duck's superpower.
21:12Then use that superpower for the next task in ten minutes from now.
21:16At no point may you tell your teammates your superpower.
21:19Your time starts now.
21:21OK, so, let me get this straight.
21:22We've got a superpower that's coming, but we don't say what it is.
21:24We don't know what that is.
21:25And in the meantime, we do hook a duck.
21:27Yes, you must stay behind that red line, please.
21:33Pretty cool guy on there.
21:35Yeah.
21:36He's like George Michael, isn't he?
21:39Writer's superpower on the little clipboard.
21:42You have two minutes.
21:44Your time starts now.
21:46Oh, is it meant to be you?
21:48Because of its gap in its teeth?
21:50Oh!
21:52Soz!
21:53Oh, is it actually you?
21:54Got your abs?
21:56And your crotch?
21:58I think that's a good superpower.
22:02Come on.
22:03There we go.
22:04Are you ready?
22:05Yeah.
22:06OK, I've got it.
22:07Who have you got?
22:08Maisie.
22:09Sorry.
22:10Oh, no, Phil!
22:12Don't show each other your superpowers, but have a read.
22:15Rotate slowly and powerfully to thwart evil.
22:24You can morph into George Michael at any given moment.
22:28Turn any family member into a weapon by a look.
22:33Your fingers are a vacuum cleaner.
22:37You can tell when anyone lies.
22:40OK, the next task will start in eight minutes.
22:42Please go into the house and prepare yourselves.
22:44Can't they?
22:46APPLAUSE
22:47I mean, there's a lot going on in this.
22:51Yes, isn't there?
22:52But I think I understand.
22:54They've all got superpowers now.
22:55And they'd previously made up the superpowers themselves.
22:58That's right.
22:59Well, we can see another introduction video if you want.
23:02That's what I was hoping for.
23:03Let's do it.
23:04Here we go.
23:05Come on, race.
23:08Ah.
23:09Welcome, team.
23:10Oh!
23:11I remember this guy.
23:13Yeah.
23:14Shall we go for it?
23:15Let's have a look.
23:16What is that?
23:17It's a cake.
23:18Is it Alex on a meringue?
23:19Remove the most flour from the tray without touching flour
23:23with your hands or moving little, little Alex Horne.
23:26If little, little Alex Horne moves at any point,
23:30you are disqualified.
23:31Oh, no!
23:32You must take it in turns to remove flour
23:35and you must employ your superpowers.
23:37There's a bonus point for the contestant
23:39who employs their superpower most effectively.
23:42Most flour in the bowl wins.
23:45You have a maximum of 15 minutes.
23:47Your time starts now.
23:49So you can stop at any time?
23:51Oh.
23:52Oh, right, so we need to know when to tap out.
23:53Exactly.
23:54So when you say you can't move him,
23:55what about his cape or if it flaps?
23:57Yeah, what if his cape flaps?
23:59Is that movement?
24:00I'm going to be watching his body.
24:02We asked you about the cape flaps.
24:04Can we avoid the term cape flaps?
24:06That's out of the bag.
24:07The cape may flap.
24:12I mean, I'm amazed to watch some adults debating
24:15whether cape flaps are movement in a human being.
24:20I enjoyed it.
24:21So it's a very big build-up for this,
24:22but we're not going to see what happens till after the break, Greg.
24:24Oh, my God.
24:25And the part two, anyone?
24:27Yes, please.
24:28Yes, please.
24:39Hello.
24:41And welcome back to part three of Taskmaster.
24:43And tonight, I'm going to part three like it's 1999.
24:46Before the break, they each selected a superpower they had
24:53previously created and now they have to use those powers
24:56while removing as much flour as possible without toppling
24:59the super little Alex Horne figurine.
25:01Here's how they all got on.
25:03He can't move and we've got to get all that flour into there
25:06and deploy the superpower.
25:07Yeah.
25:08Do you think that we will be able to do it?
25:09Yeah, defo.
25:10I think you're lying.
25:13But anyway.
25:14What do you mean?
25:15I don't know.
25:16I've just got a feeling.
25:17What's what I've got?
25:19That's good.
25:21Why don't, er...
25:22Sanjeev Zordi.
25:23Yeah, good idea.
25:24Oh, that's good.
25:25Yeah.
25:26What is the scientific way that he would be not falling?
25:30Well, maybe I can help.
25:33Hello?
25:34Hi, is that Andrew?
25:36It is, yes.
25:37Hi.
25:38This is your brother, Phil.
25:40So, er, we've got a tiny version of Alex Horne.
25:45I've got to get the flour away without him moving.
25:48Er, telekinesis?
25:51That's not going to work.
25:52Erm, thanks though.
25:54Is that your half-brother?
25:55Half-brother?
25:56Step-brother.
25:57What made you think we were step-brother?
25:58That was my fault.
25:59Really?
26:00Yeah, yeah.
26:01Why?
26:02Just didn't sound right.
26:03I know.
26:04I think you panicked.
26:05How come we've got such good items for this very time?
26:07I know, I'm really happy, Ed.
26:09Do you think somebody knew what the tasks were?
26:11Do you think there's been some foul play?
26:13No.
26:14And I know that to be true because...
26:16I know that to be true.
26:18Erm...
26:19Can I prepare my superpower to go after Phil?
26:21Do whatever you want.
26:26Is that the superpower?
26:27Yeah.
26:28That's probably the most so far, actually.
26:30Back to Sanjee.
26:31Back to Sanjee.
26:32I've got an idea.
26:33I'm going to use this as a straight hedge and then we can scoop that without worrying about...
26:37Yeah, yeah.
26:43Hello?
26:44So, Andrew, Sanjeev is using a letter now to move the flower away.
26:47Does that sound like a good idea?
26:48Yes.
26:49Thanks.
26:50See you later.
26:51You are my brother though, aren't you?
26:52I can confirm I'm your actual brother, yes.
26:54Fully?
26:55Fully.
26:56You don't need to know all the details.
26:57See you, bro.
27:02Oh, that looks good.
27:03That's it.
27:04This is good, Rhys.
27:05You've got a good momentum going.
27:08This is my son.
27:09Come on, boy.
27:10Be good for daddy.
27:12OK.
27:13Come on, boy.
27:14This is your son, is it, Phil?
27:16Yeah.
27:17Tarquin.
27:18There's old Tarquin.
27:19He's got his dad's eyes.
27:20Oh, Alex, can I have my big one?
27:22Oh?
27:23Big one now, please.
27:26That's the sock, is it?
27:28Oh.
27:29You've got seven and a half minutes.
27:30I think I'm going to go for these.
27:31No!
27:32No!
27:33No!
27:34No!
27:35I think we've done quite well, aren't you?
27:40Well, I'll tell...
27:41Ooh!
27:42Oh, no!
27:43Oh, no!
27:44Oh, no!
27:45Oh, that's the timer.
27:46Oh!
27:47Oh!
27:48Oh, no!
27:49Oh, no!
27:50Oh, no!
27:51Oh, no!
27:52That's the timer.
27:53Oh!
27:54Oh!
27:55We're about 15 seconds away from completing the task.
27:58Oh!
27:59Oh!
28:00I'm happy with that.
28:01Thanks, team.
28:02Bye-bye.
28:03Thanks, guys.
28:04APPLAUSE
28:05I am tempted to spend the whole time discussing why Anya doubts the bloodline of Phil's family.
28:13I just thought the conversation felt quite stilted, no offence.
28:17Macy, you had a better superpower for the job.
28:20Yeah.
28:21And you were certainly very excited when you realised.
28:23Have we got a still?
28:24Yes.
28:25LAUGHTER
28:26But looking at you guys, like, you were really powering ahead.
28:30We were slow.
28:31All that chopping into it was good, Sammy.
28:32I think you had a better strategy.
28:33Oh, the slow and steady science-based approach.
28:36Yeah.
28:37It was like an Aesop's fable.
28:38It really was.
28:39And I had a little nap in the middle.
28:41LAUGHTER
28:42Both teams absolutely failed.
28:44So it's simply this.
28:45There is a bonus point for the contestant who employs their superpower most effectively.
28:48Slow, steady, powerful.
28:50I'm going to give Sanjeev the bonus point.
28:52OK, so zero, zero, zero, zero.
28:54One point for Sanjeev.
28:56APPLAUSE
28:57Do you have another task, Alex, please?
29:00I'm sure I can pull one out of the bag for you, Greg.
29:03Here we go.
29:04MUSIC
29:13BUZZER
29:16Lovely floral print.
29:18Your sort of thing.
29:20What's this?
29:22We're in the dome, you've got a bag.
29:23Yeah.
29:24Do I look in it?
29:25What are you looking for?
29:27A task.
29:28You want the task?
29:29Yeah.
29:30Sure.
29:31Make a wish.
29:32Make a wish?
29:34Yeah.
29:35Why would I make a wish?
29:36Make the task appear.
29:38I wish a task appeared.
29:40That's it.
29:41Keep wishing.
29:46Oh!
29:47Oh, my God, that's so magical.
29:49Ah.
29:53Oh, God.
29:54I wish a task would appear.
29:56That's dead impressive.
29:57Funny little way to start the task.
30:07Take the most surprising thing out of this bag.
30:11This is a Mary Poppins thing.
30:13I've just got it, showed a big bag.
30:15You have a maximum of...
30:1715 minutes.
30:18Your time starts now.
30:20Take the most surprising thing out of this bag.
30:26Take the most surprising thing out of this bag.
30:32Shall I go and get things, put them in, and that'd be a surprise when they come out again?
30:37Exactly that.
30:38I just don't understand the task.
30:44Take the most surprising thing.
30:47I could put stuff in the bag to take out.
30:51OK.
30:52That's what you do, innit?
30:53APPLAUSE
30:56Fascinating what this show does, isn't it?
30:58I know for a fact that Maisie is an incredibly intelligent woman,
31:02and yet she came across there as a new Coronation Street character
31:06who's adorable but thick.
31:11It's just the pressure.
31:12The pressure.
31:13It just does something to you.
31:15OK.
31:16Let's crack up.
31:17OK.
31:18They've got to take something surprising out of the bag.
31:19Here is Anya and Sanja.
31:22Sanjee.
31:26Chicken.
31:27There's a chicken in the bag.
31:28Chicken in the bag.
31:29You sound surprised.
31:30I am.
31:31Go and get a can opener.
31:32Right.
31:33Can't wait.
31:34Ladies and gentlemen.
31:35Oh, I'm not.
31:36I'm going to get a can opener.
31:37I'm not.
31:38I'm not.
31:39What's this?
31:40I'm not.
31:41I'm not.
31:42I'm not.
31:43I'm not.
31:44I'm not.
31:45I'm not.
31:46You're not.
31:47I'm not.
31:48I'm not.
31:49I'm not.
31:50I'm not.
31:51But I'm not.
31:52I'm not.
31:53I'm not.
31:54I'm not.
31:55I'm not.
31:56I'm not.
31:57I'm not.
31:58In the blue corner, we have Ingemar Johansson, the great Scandinavian boxer.
32:12What do you think might be inside this can?
32:13Beans.
32:16What is it?
32:18Jam.
32:19Jam?
32:20It comes off, surprise, and what will you find?
32:28In the great Ingemar Johansson's boxing glove.
32:31I don't know.
32:33His hand.
32:35Thank you, Anya.
32:36Jam in a can, in a chicken, in a bag.
32:38Let's just check if there's anything inside this jam.
32:49Look at that.
32:51There was a bean in a can.
32:53But by the time that we came around to it, that was surprising.
32:56Thank you, Anya.
32:57But wait.
32:59Surely there can't be anything inside this little bean.
33:06Message.
33:07Inside the bean?
33:08Inside the bean.
33:15Greg, I am your daughter.
33:16I knew it.
33:17That's why I was so comfortable seeing your nose in my nose.
33:26Yeah.
33:26Mallorca, 1998.
33:28Tell me about it.
33:29Oh, my God.
33:30Well, they're both good.
33:32I mean, to mention a Swedish boxer.
33:35He won the world title in 59-60.
33:38Yeah.
33:38Something like that.
33:38So, yeah.
33:39Yeah.
33:39Of course.
33:40I was surprised to have him referenced.
33:42Oh, well, so was I, yeah.
33:43I was surprised that his severed hand was in the club.
33:46And most of all, I was surprised.
33:48I think Sanjeev was enjoying himself during that time.
33:52But I have to say, Anya's one is one of the best things I've ever seen.
33:55Yeah.
33:56So, there is that.
33:57I mean, I was impressed when you had jam in a can up a chicken's cloaca.
34:01LAUGHTER
34:02Before I find out that you're my beloved daughter.
34:07LAUGHTER
34:08Yeah, it's quite a journey, I think, for both of us.
34:12But it's nice to finally be reunited.
34:15Yeah, it's great.
34:16I don't really want to hang out, though.
34:17LAUGHTER
34:18A boxer and a daughter.
34:20Want to see some more?
34:21I want to see more than a boxer and a daughter, all right.
34:23OK, next, it's two people who sound like four people.
34:26Maisie, Adam, Phil, Ellis.
34:28LAUGHTER
34:29You're looking pretty surprised, Alex.
34:58Right.
34:59Eh?
35:04Oh, ho, ho.
35:05Eh?
35:08Pondrez-moi de la sac.
35:11Right.
35:12I'll just tip it back, I suppose, is it?
35:15Je ne sais quoi!
35:17LAUGHTER
35:18LAUGHTER
35:18Oh, there was a donkey dressed as a chicken in the bag.
35:24Oui!
35:25With a French lady on the...
35:26A donkey dressed as a chicken in a feather boa with a French lady in a Hawaiian bra and an accordion.
35:33Well, I wasn't expecting that.
35:34No!
35:34Thank you, Maisie.
35:36LAUGHTER
35:36Oh, oh, oh!
35:39Oh!
35:39Oh!
35:40Oh!
35:40Oh!
35:43Oh!
35:43Oh!
35:44Surprising?
35:44Well, I thought it might be a fish.
35:47That's not the surprising bit.
35:49Just got to gut it.
35:50Now that's the surprising guy.
35:58It's great.
35:59There we are.
35:59Well, thank you very much.
36:06So, Maisie was a surprising chicken donkey French Hawaiian accordion player.
36:10We?
36:11Yeah.
36:12But I wasn't really that surprised because I could see you straight away.
36:16Honestly, we can just skip through.
36:18Yeah.
36:18OK, Phil, everyone knows that a lot of fishing rods are extendable,
36:23so when you started doing that old trick, I thought,
36:25this is disappointing, this is not at all surprising.
36:28And then when there was a fish on the end of the line,
36:30I thought, that's a bit disappointing.
36:32Yeah.
36:33And that's when you hit me with a big surprise.
36:35You found a photograph of me where I'm quite clearly hammered.
36:39Yeah.
36:40And vulnerable, some would say.
36:42That was the night I was conceived.
36:43LAUGHTER
36:44So, your photo, when you see the photo here, just so you know, Greg,
36:54your teeth there, it's actually your date of birth on your teeth,
36:58and it's your phone number on your arm.
36:59My actual phone number?
37:01Yeah, that's why we blurred it slightly.
37:02Ah, that's good.
37:03But I've got it, Anya, if you want it.
37:05OK, yeah, OK.
37:06It's break time once more.
37:08In the final part of the show, the winner will head home
37:10with the Treaty of Versailles tucked under one arm,
37:13a replica womb under the other,
37:15and a deep-booted sense that time is running out
37:17and they should hold their loved ones a little bit closer.
37:20See you in a minute.
37:21APPLAUSE
37:22Well, goodbye to the final part of the show,
37:34where people are pulling things out of bags.
37:36Yes, they have to do that, because you told them to do that
37:39with a typed letter sealed with wax,
37:41and people very rarely question the logic
37:42of what is the main principle of the show.
37:44There's just one person left to see,
37:46and it's Rhys Shearsmith.
37:47A bag, surprising, yes?
37:56Yes.
37:58Ooh!
38:01What is this?
38:15Oh, all right, all right.
38:17Dark board?
38:25Oh.
38:26Baby head.
38:28I'm sorry, but I didn't find anyone to have expected that.
38:34Glass came below.
38:35Interesting.
38:39Hit the spot with a bone to pick
38:41from the pea-brained baby.
38:43Surprising.
38:44Solve the riddle.
38:45Hit the spot.
38:46Well, this is a target, so, you know what would...
38:50Target, there's a plate.
38:52There's a plate of food that would hit the spot.
38:54Who knows?
38:54Let's see what the next part of the riddle is.
38:57With the bone to pick.
38:58There's the bone to pick.
39:00We've got a plate, perhaps somehow this...
39:03Well, I never.
39:06A bone that becomes a spoon.
39:07I'm sorry, but that's a surprise.
39:11And, er...
39:12The pea-brained baby.
39:13Well, now, the pea-brained...
39:15On a petite.
39:23A bit surprising, isn't it?
39:25Oh, yeah.
39:25I wasn't expecting that way.
39:28I wasn't.
39:32Right.
39:33There.
39:35Ain't got anything to go with this.
39:37Anything else in the bag?
39:41Oh, yeah.
39:44Ah, lovely.
39:47I'd say that was very surprising.
39:51Get out.
39:51Yeah, in one bag.
39:54Wow.
39:55OK, thanks, Rhys.
39:56See you.
39:57OK.
39:58See you later.
39:59See you.
40:00See you later.
40:06That was brilliant.
40:08Brilliant, that was.
40:09So, it's a clown man mopping up baby brains in the baguette.
40:13Yeah, pretty much.
40:15Brilliant.
40:15Wow, God, what a drama.
40:17It looked extravagant.
40:18OK, got some points?
40:20I guess so, yes.
40:21Well, we know what the least surprising thing made from the bag was.
40:23It was Maisie.
40:24No-one's going to get two points,
40:26because I think there was a considerable jump in quality after Maisie.
40:30Let's say three points to Sanjeev's that I enjoyed immensely.
40:34Right.
40:34Four points to Phil.
40:37And the baby brains and discovering I've got a daughter I couldn't separate.
40:42They both horrified me.
40:45And you're pleased.
40:46And I'm pleased.
40:48Thank you, Daddy.
40:52Five points to Anya and five points to Rhys.
40:58Let us glance at the scores once more.
41:00Yes, well, Anya and Maisie are in joint second on ten,
41:03but in the lead with 14 points is Rhys.
41:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:06OK, please, stay right where you are for the final task of the show!
41:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:15Hello, everyone.
41:24Hello.
41:26Alex, who's going to read the task?
41:28Maisie's going to read the task.
41:29Please, Maisie.
41:30Guess how many things the taskmaster's assistant has on him.
41:37Worst answer is eliminated,
41:39but there is a bonus of five actual points
41:42if you are exactly ten out at any time.
41:46Last player standing wins.
41:49What?
41:50What?
41:51LAUGHTER
41:51Alex, do you want to explain it?
41:53Yes, there's going to be four rounds.
41:54I'm going to go behind that screen
41:56and come out with some things.
41:58You've got to work out or guess
41:59how many of those things I've got on me.
42:02Right. OK.
42:03You're ten away at any point.
42:04You get five genuine points for the actual show.
42:07Oh!
42:08Are you ready for a round?
42:09Oh, hello, Sandy.
42:10Sorry, yes, I may have a nap during this.
42:11LAUGHTER
42:12Unfortunately, Sandy, even if you're out,
42:15you do have to carry on in case you get this bonus.
42:17Ah.
42:17I know.
42:18Tricky.
42:19First, Greg, would you like me to go behind the screen?
42:21Go behind the screen.
42:23It's time for round one.
42:24OK.
42:26The first category.
42:27How many babies has Alex got on him?
42:34Can Alex spin around?
42:35Alex can't spin around holding babies.
42:39Reveal your baby guesses.
42:4214, 13, 16, 3, 12.
42:45I can tell you that none of you are ten above.
42:48I will now reveal
42:49the number of babies that Alex has on him.
42:53Five!
42:54LAUGHTER
42:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:56Are you so close?
43:00I'm afraid, Phil.
43:01Oh, God!
43:02You were the furthest away.
43:04What an emotional rollercoaster!
43:06And so Phil is eliminated!
43:07Oh!
43:08Oh!
43:11And will you hold a baby to show you're out?
43:13Of course I won't.
43:14Round two, the category is...
43:18..forks!
43:20Oh!
43:21Oh, God.
43:22Oh, God.
43:23Please guess the amount of forks that Alex has on him,
43:26starting now.
43:28Phil, you can still guess.
43:30If you get kind of bar...
43:31I'm all right.
43:31But you get five bonus points.
43:33Oh, don't do it!
43:34Oh, God!
43:35I didn't listen.
43:35LAUGHTER
43:36Please reveal your fork scores now.
43:40We have 23, 13, 18, 16 and 60 from Sanjeev.
43:446-0?
43:45Oh, you've been asleep.
43:46I've forgotten.
43:47LAUGHTER
43:48I can tell you that no-one has gone exactly ten away.
43:52No-one.
43:53Exactly ten away from the fork count.
43:55There are 15 forks on the tray.
43:5715?!
43:58But what's under the cloche, Sanjeev?
44:00Oh.
44:01Could there be 35...
44:03LAUGHTER
44:04..40s under here, Sanjeev?
44:06All 45.
44:07LAUGHTER
44:09LAUGHTER
44:10Marbles!
44:12Oh!
44:13Marbles!
44:14Oh.
44:15Sanjeev, you're eliminated.
44:16There are only 15 forks.
44:17Excellent.
44:18Sanjeev's eliminated!
44:19Please follow up.
44:20You've been enjoying it.
44:21You're all right, you're all right.
44:22You're all right, you're all right.
44:23You're all right, Sanjeev.
44:25The catch key for round three is...
44:27BELTS!
44:28BELTS!
44:29Oh!
44:30Oh, dear.
44:31How many belts does he have?
44:34Oh, this is...
44:35How were we meant to now?
44:36LAUGHTER
44:38You're not meant to know, Rhys.
44:40Stop belting!
44:42Please reveal your belt answers.
44:453, 0, 5, 4, 14.
44:48OK, I'll crack straight in and tell you that no-one has got the bonus five points.
44:52No-one is exactly ten away.
44:54And I can reveal the amount of belts Alex has on is...
44:58Whoa!
44:59Only one belt!
45:00Whoa!
45:01It's big!
45:02But it's a karate belt.
45:03LAUGHTER
45:04Reece is eliminated!
45:06APPLAUSE
45:07Just like you threw me away.
45:11LAUGHTER
45:12APPLAUSE
45:13The final round.
45:14Yes.
45:15Final round.
45:16The big one.
45:17The big one.
45:18Birds!
45:19How many birds does Alex have?
45:21Please reveal your bird counts.
45:22Someone here has got exactly ten away.
45:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:25And again, a sweet five points.
45:26Because there are four birds.
45:27The big one.
45:28The big one.
45:29The big one.
45:30Birds!
45:31How many birds does Alex have?
45:33How many birds does Alex have?
45:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:36And again, a sweet five points.
45:38Because there are four birds on Alex.
45:41Reece takes five points.
45:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:45And so, Anya wins the task.
45:46Oh!
45:47You also get five points.
45:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:50And so, Anya wins the task.
45:51Oh!
45:52You also get five points.
45:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:56AND APPLAUSE
45:57AND APPLAUSE
45:58AND APPLAUSE
45:59AND APPLAUSE
46:00AND APPLAUSE
46:01AND APPLAUSE
46:02AND APPLAUSE
46:03And so, Anya wins the task.
46:05Oh!
46:06You also get five points!
46:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:16What a rush.
46:18Wowie.
46:19It was almost too mysterious.
46:22Oh, my God.
46:23The adrenaline was...
46:25The adrenaline was coursing through my veins.
46:27Well, Phil was the worst of it.
46:28He gets one point.
46:29Sanjeev got two points.
46:30Maisie, four.
46:31Anya, five.
46:32But Reece, he grabbed the bonus five points.
46:34He gets a total of eight points!
46:36Well done, Reece.
46:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:38AND APPLAUSE
46:40Scoreboard?
46:41Yes.
46:42Well, it means that in joint last place,
46:43it's Phil and Sanjeev on nine,
46:45but with a huge 22 points,
46:47the winner is Reece Shearsmith!
46:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:49REECE Shearsmith has won!
46:54Please head up to the stage and claim your things
46:56that are hard to explain!
46:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:00It's Reece!
47:01REECE SHEARTH
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