- 5 months ago
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_u5y238bzfg Many men struggle with knowing when to take charge in their marriage and when to step back. In today’s world, leadership in relationships isn’t about control—it’s about influence, responsibility, and mutual respect. In this episode, we’ll break down the balance of shared leadership in a modern marriage, highlighting how men and women lead in different yet complementary ways.
We’ll explore the two types of leadership—direct and relational—and how both are essential for a thriving partnership. You’ll learn how to recognize when you’re overleading or underleading, and how to shift from leading her to leading with her. Plus, we’ll cover practical steps to start leading in your strengths while empowering your wife to do the same.
A marriage where both partners step into their strengths is a marriage that thrives. Want to learn more about creating a balanced and fulfilling relationship? Join our men’s groups at richinrelationship.com and discover how to lead with confidence and collaboration.
Follow us on social media for more relationship advice:
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Tiktok - https://www.tiktok.com/@richinrelationship
LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/company/rich-in-relationship
Website - https://www.richinrelationship.com
We’ll explore the two types of leadership—direct and relational—and how both are essential for a thriving partnership. You’ll learn how to recognize when you’re overleading or underleading, and how to shift from leading her to leading with her. Plus, we’ll cover practical steps to start leading in your strengths while empowering your wife to do the same.
A marriage where both partners step into their strengths is a marriage that thrives. Want to learn more about creating a balanced and fulfilling relationship? Join our men’s groups at richinrelationship.com and discover how to lead with confidence and collaboration.
Follow us on social media for more relationship advice:
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/richinrelationship/
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/richinrelationship/
Pinterest - https://www.pinterest.com/richinrelationship/_created/
Tiktok - https://www.tiktok.com/@richinrelationship
LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/company/rich-in-relationship
Website - https://www.richinrelationship.com
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LifestyleTranscript
00:00Today at Rich in Relationship, we're going to talk about why you feel like you're putting
00:05in so much effort and not getting any results or even acknowledged.
00:10What if instead of competing or feeling unappreciated, you and your wife could build something greater
00:16together?
00:17Marriage isn't about winning or losing.
00:19It's about building a future together.
00:21It's about winning in the game of life.
00:23And to win in the game of life, you need a partnership.
00:26Welcome to another episode of Rich in Relationship.
00:31I'm your host, Rich Heller.
00:32And today we're going to talk about the real marital contract, building each other up.
00:39And I want to just footnote that by saying, I know some of you feel like you spend your
00:44whole life building your partner up and they're not building you up.
00:48All right.
00:49And so I'm not advocating for that.
00:50The marital contract is about building each other up.
00:57Not, it can't be a one.
00:58It's a contract.
00:59It's not one-sided.
01:01All right.
01:01If it's one-sided, what do you do?
01:04You go join a labor union and negotiate for a better contract.
01:09Some people call that separation.
01:12Some people call that counseling.
01:14Some people call that coming to Rich in Relationship and getting help with your marriage, which a lot
01:18of people do.
01:19And we have a huge success rate, 90 to 95%.
01:23Couldn't resist saying that.
01:24But you need to know, I'm doing this podcast because I know what works.
01:30So have you ever felt like I'm doing everything and she still isn't happy?
01:35What if your marriage didn't have to feel like a constant struggle?
01:39What if instead of competing or feeling unappreciated, you and your wife could build something greater
01:46together, something that honors both of your strengths?
01:50And I'm not just talking about in the marriage.
01:52I'm talking about in your individual lives.
01:55In today's equal society, men and women get together in a relationship.
02:03They develop themselves as individuals, their own individual interests, pursuits, hobbies,
02:10professional careers, or whatever.
02:12It might be that their interest is building up the family for a time.
02:16I was a stay-at-home dad for a while.
02:18Whatever the interest is, we're allowed to pursue it individually.
02:22And in order to do that, we build up the relationship and one another.
02:28That is the marital contract.
02:31It is not one person doing all the work, constantly compromising, or rigid role expectations.
02:39I want to be really clear.
02:40I talk about the brain and testosterone and the brain and estrogen, but just so you know,
02:46I clean, I cook, I've changed diapers, I do change diapers.
02:51I nurture.
02:52My wife leads.
02:54She has goals.
02:55She has places she wants to go in life.
02:58Men's qualities are not uniquely men's.
03:00Women's qualities are not uniquely women's.
03:02The difference is a testosterone brain and an estrogen brain might be stronger in certain
03:08areas, but it doesn't mean you can't cross over.
03:11It doesn't mean that you can't fulfill different roles.
03:14And are you good at it?
03:18I mean, it turns out I was actually pretty good at changing diapers.
03:21It turns out I'm actually a pretty good cleaner.
03:23It turns out I'm not a bad cook.
03:25But interestingly, I'm not as good a cook as my wife when she sets her mind to it, but
03:29you don't need to know all that.
03:31If you're good at something and it's easy for you to do, the chances are that's something
03:37you need to develop in yourself.
03:38And what I'm telling you is, even though there are distinctly feminine strengths and distinctly
03:43masculine strengths, when it comes to what we do in the world, there's very little that
03:48is distinctly woman and distinctly man.
03:50The businesses that do best are the businesses that focus on the strengths of the participants.
03:58Businesses that try to pigeonhole someone in a job that they're not good at and abuses
04:04and beats them emotionally into doing that job, even when they suck at it.
04:09Those businesses are not sustainable.
04:12Well, guess what?
04:13Neither is your marriage.
04:14If one or both of you is doing something that you're not good at, that's not sustainable.
04:21And if that's been going on for a while, it's both of your responsibility to change it.
04:27Not just the person who's stuck in that role, but the person who's allowing that to go on.
04:31When we build each other up, we acknowledge what's not working, what we're not good at.
04:39You know what I'm not good at?
04:41I'm not as good at building detailed relationships with our children as my wife is.
04:51But you know what I'm really good at?
04:53I'm really good at helping them identify how to work through something they're really stuck on.
05:00I'm really good at specific situations.
05:03And so we apply those strengths differently.
05:05The trick is, first, you've got to get that when you married each other, you bought into,
05:13I'm going to help you to be the best you.
05:16I'm going to help you to be your real self.
05:19Your real self being the person that you are becoming.
05:24Excuse me.
05:25That person that you're becoming who represents the ultimate manifestation of all your strengths,
05:31skills, and innate abilities that represents the fulfillment of all your values and principles.
05:36I'm helping you to become that person.
05:39And you're helping me to become that person.
05:43And I'm helping you to become that person without any expectation of acknowledgement or reward.
05:49That's a tall order.
05:50And vice versa.
05:52That's an ideal.
05:53By the way, that's an ideal.
05:55And the problem with ideals is we almost never attain them.
06:02And so we will constantly have experiences that are short of the ideal, but it's something to work towards.
06:09Each of you has innate strengths.
06:12Ignoring them leads to conflict.
06:14Leveraging them builds momentum.
06:16Common strengths that we bring to the relationship grow the relationship.
06:21If you're a man and you're a natural problem solver, you're about stability and long-term vision, that's a strength that you bring to the relationship.
06:30If you're a woman and you're emotionally intelligent and you've mastered social connections and detail orientation, that's something you bring to the relationship.
06:37Honestly, there are some men who are more detail-oriented and some women who are more big picture.
06:42It's not, this is a generalization, but whatever you are, it's what you bring to the relationship.
06:47And the trick is to stop competing, fighting, negotiating who's right, and get clear on how am I going to help her?
07:00How is she going to help me?
07:02How are we going to grow the relationship?
07:04How are we, as we grow and the relationship grows, going to support and nurture our children?
07:09When our children mature, how are we and our children going to support their children?
07:16And so on and so forth.
07:17Ah, you know what I sometimes I don't talk about?
07:19Here's one that comes up.
07:21How are we going to help our parents to move on to whatever the next place is in a way that's graceful, caring, and loving, and honors how we would like to be cared for when we're in their position?
07:34Oh, let's talk about this from a, you know, I, I love talking about relationships from the corporate perspective because there are a lot of crossovers.
07:43The corporate world, the world of business is an abstraction of how family are, yeah, how family operates.
07:52And it's really interesting because in business, you know, often people say, well, this is not family, this is business.
07:57And that's because business is a masculine abstraction of how family operates.
08:01They're trying to take the emotion out of it.
08:03There are a lot of women-led businesses that don't do that.
08:06Another podcast.
08:07The CEO who holds the vision.
08:09There's a COO who makes sure that everything functions.
08:15There's an HR leader who makes sure that the culture moves forward.
08:20There's a CFO who makes sure the money is in order.
08:25There are all these different hats that different people wear.
08:29In the business of your marriage, you want to have each of you wear the hat that's appropriate to your strengths.
08:37So take a look at the corporate model.
08:39If you don't, you're not familiar with it, go get some AI and play with it.
08:43Bump in your strengths and your husband's strengths or your strengths and your wife's strengths, depending on who's listening.
08:48And see how they stack up to these hats in a corporation.
08:53And then start designating roles in your family as if it were a business.
08:59I'm going to be in charge of the big picture.
09:01You're going to be in charge of managing the finances.
09:03I'm going to be in charge of managing the relationships.
09:09You're going to be in charge of managing the logistics of our family, etc., etc., etc.
09:16You will wipe out many of the power struggles by doing this because the CEO often bows to the CFO when it comes to money because the CFO has expertise.
09:27The CFO doesn't.
09:29We're going to drop attitudes like, if I don't do it, it ain't going to happen.
09:34That, by the way, is a disaster in business.
09:38It's a disaster in your family.
09:39We're also going to address the feeling that every time I try to help, she tells me I'm doing it wrong.
09:45Sometimes you are, by the way.
09:47I want you to think about the fact that there's a communication gap.
09:52Men speak about things differently than women do.
09:54Men want to help differently than women do, and so if you're leaping into something and he or she are saying, wait a minute, we need to talk about this, the chances are you're missing something.
10:07You're certainly missing the opportunity to get on the same page.
10:12If they're not agreeing with you, you may not be on the same page.
10:16You need to respect each other's domain.
10:19If she knows money and you don't, you let her manage the money.
10:23The plan for how the money gets distributed, maybe you're going to share in that together.
10:28You want to make sure there's money put away.
10:29There's an emergency fund.
10:31You want to make sure there's money for college.
10:32You want to make sure the bills get paid today.
10:35You want to make sure there's money for vacations.
10:37But if she's better at distributing the money and actually managing it, you let her do it.
10:41And you talk about it monthly.
10:43You want to delegate and trust.
10:46You don't talk about it monthly to check on them.
10:49You talk about it monthly to make sure that everything's going according to plan.
10:52Because in real life, when we create strategies, the unexpected comes up.
10:56And when the unexpected comes up in the world of finance or emotion or any other area of our life, it's worth talking about.
11:03A blueprint for a thriving partnership is built on leaning into each.
11:08First, getting clear on each other's strengths.
11:10Second, delegating responsibility according to strengths.
11:13Third, having a communication structure where you are engaging with one another on the fulfillment of your vision together in the definite areas of strength.
11:26It's like you're giving a report in a board meeting.
11:31You and your partner are on a board and you're giving each other monthly reports on how the business of your marriage is doing.
11:37And the purpose of the reports are if something is jammed up, you get to help each other through it.
11:43You get to help each other through it with your different strengths.
11:46Because even though one partner may be better at relationships and the other one might be better at maintaining the structure of the home,
11:54the perspective that each partner brings to relationships and the structure of the home are vital to making sure that each partner delivers in those areas in a way that's satisfying to both partners.
12:04Sometimes a partner is going to be under stress.
12:07Let's say your partner loses a parent and you might need to take on some of their job for a while.
12:12That is something you need to do willingly.
12:16That sacrifice is something you do willingly, not because it's your contract, because you love them and because you know if you were in the same position, you would need that kind of help.
12:25Or maybe they lose someone and they need to immerse themselves in details for a while and you allow them to do that.
12:30Living out the vision and the goals of your marriage is built on caring communication.
12:36It's built on delegation based on skills and innate abilities.
12:40It's built on checking in with each other through that communication on that delegation.
12:46It's about building trust through seeing each partner execute the shared vision in their delegated responsibilities that are built on their strengths.
12:57And there's safety that comes out of that.
12:59When you know that you can give your partner a task and that they will do it holding your interests at heart, safety is what you begin to experience.
13:09Marriage isn't about winning or losing.
13:11It's about building a future together.
13:13It's not about winning or losing in your marriage.
13:16It's about winning in the game of life.
13:19And to win in the game of life, you need a partnership.
13:22You need to build a future together.
13:24You need to delegate based on responsibilities.
13:27You need to build each other up.
13:30Now, you remember in the beginning, I said, this is an ideal.
13:35In real life, what happens is we trust and our trust is broken.
13:42And I need you to get this.
13:44Your trust will always be broken.
13:49What you do with that breach of trust is everything.
13:52If you just say, oh, well, it wasn't that bad and don't talk about it, then your trust will be broken again in that area in a bigger way.
14:00The reason why trust gets broken is because as human beings, we are not perfect.
14:04The reason why trust gets broken is we don't always communicate the boundary of that trust clearly.
14:10And so when our trust is broken, it's really important to call it out immediately.
14:15If, for example, you trusted that your wife was going to make sure that you were included in planning your birthday party for your 17-year-old girl and she just did it without you because she assumed that was her strength and you didn't want anything to do with it, then you either failed to communicate it to her or you failed to communicate the importance to her.
14:38Or you delegated without making it clear what part you wanted to have in it.
14:45But that trust was broken because of a communication breakdown.
14:51Sometimes that trust is broken on purpose.
14:53Sometimes that trust is a passive-aggressive retaliation for a trust you've broken.
14:59It's important to air all that out and get it all out and clean it all up so you can re-establish trust and re-confirm the boundaries of that trust so that that particular breach does not happen again.
15:14The law on breach of trust is, number one, both parties need to acknowledge what the breach was.
15:20Number two, both parties need to acknowledge their part in it.
15:22Number three, both parties need to acknowledge the needs that drove them to allow that breach of trust or engage in that breach of trust.
15:30And number four, both parties need to agree on how those needs are going to be met in the future in such a way that trust won't be broken.
15:37That's how you recontract a breach of trust on any level, whether it be your daughter's birthday party or infidelity or financial infidelity or emotional, whatever it is.
15:49It's all about breach of trust.
15:51Trust. And I want you to get that that is part of the partnership game.
15:55Trust will be broken.
15:57And if you want to limit how trust is broken, it requires airing it out and developing understanding.
16:05And the more you do that, the less trust will be broken over time.
16:08But trust will be broken over time.
16:10And the other side of this is we started out with the example of no matter what I do, they never seem to acknowledge me.
16:17You know, if you know that you're doing the right thing by your partner and you know that you're showing up for them and you're being supportive of them and you feel that way.
16:26There's a couple of things that might be going on.
16:28One, your love language might be words of affirmation.
16:32It might be that you that's what you really need from people.
16:36And it's important to air that out.
16:38Hey, honey, I don't need to be acknowledged for everything.
16:40But like I feel more cared for when people speak, affirm me how I'm being, what I'm doing.
16:49That would be one thing.
16:50Now, the other possibility is that no matter how much, how many words of affirmation they speak, you're not receiving it.
16:56In which case there's an old emotion or an assumption about yourself, some form of not enough.
17:04We all human beings seem to walk around with a form of not enough that needs to be addressed.
17:08And that's not your partner's fault.
17:11It's not your fault either, by the way.
17:13It's something your parents gave to you.
17:15And that's worth working out.
17:17There are a lot of ways you can do that.
17:19You can go to our website and check it out if that's something you're interested in.
17:22The next episode is we're going to go deep into this concept of synergy, which we've talked about in the episode before this one.
17:32And here we talked about how building each other up is a pillar for that synergy.
17:38We're going to talk about what that synergy is like and what the experience might be like.
17:44So stay tuned for the next episode in Rich and Relationship.
17:48And in the meantime, have a wonderful day and an awesome tomorrow.
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