From Frustrated “Helper” to Real Leader A Hero’s Journey to a Joyful Marriage

Rich Heller

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Am0j6SXmGpA You’ve tried everything to help your wife — offered solutions, stepped up, stayed patient — but nothing seems to work. Instead of bringing you closer, your efforts are pushing her away. In this opening episode, we explore the real reason your marriage feels stuck: not because you're failing as a man, but because you’re operating without a blueprint that works in today’s relationship dynamic.  You’ll discover why traditional male approaches to helping and fixing often backfire, how unconscious programming can sabotage connection, and why real leadership in your marriage starts with leading yourself first. This series is your roadmap to becoming a strong, emotionally grounded man who builds trust, leads with compassion, and reclaims his purpose — in and outside his marriage.  👉 If you’re feeling stuck or unsure where to go from here, I’m interviewing men like you for an upcoming book. Visit RichInRelationship.com to share your story and be part of something powerful.  Follow us on social media for more relationship advice: Facebook -  https://www.facebook.com/richinrelationship/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/richinrelationship/  Pinterest - https://www.pinterest.com/richinrelationship/_created/ Tiktok -    https://www.tiktok.com/@richinrelationship LinkedIn -  https://www.linkedin.com/company/rich-in-relationship Website - https://www.richinrelationship.com

Transcript

00:00Today in Rich in Relationship, we're going to talk about why it is that men are always

00:06trying to help, always trying to make it better in their marriage, and somehow they never

00:09feel like they're getting credit, moving forward, being acknowledged, and sometimes they're

00:14accused of making it worse.

00:16But what if helping her starts with healing you?

00:19That's what this is all about.

00:21Real leadership means rebuilding connection from the inside out.

00:30Welcome to another episode of Rich in Relationship.

00:34I'm your host, Rich Heller, and today's topic is moving from being a helper to a real leader.

00:42It's a hero's journey to a joyful marriage.

00:45This is the kickoff for a mini-series on this topic.

00:50We're going to do about a dozen episodes on this.

00:52The premise is that instead of worrying about what's wrong with her, what she's doing wrong,

00:59taking her inventory, we're just going to let go of all that, and we're going to be the

01:03change that we want to see.

01:05We're going to lead by example in our families, in our marriages.

01:11You've been trying to help, and it's only made things worse.

01:14But what if helping her starts with healing you?

01:17That's what this is all about here.

01:20This series is your path forward.

01:22Not by changing her, but by reclaiming your own power, your values, your voice in a way

01:30that will actually bring her closer.

01:32It will inspire her.

01:34It's, in essence, taking the lead in restoring the friendship that your relationship is built

01:42on, restoring the romance that came out of that friendship, restoring the vision that

01:47the two of you share.

01:48And it starts with you.

01:50I am not saying that you're the problem.

01:52What I am saying is you are the unconscious leader.

01:57And so you need to take the lead.

02:00You need to be on a mission with this.

02:02And I want you to get that you're not alone.

02:06You don't need to be like a solo superhero here.

02:10You have other guys who are sharing in this mission with you.

02:15I want you to think of, I don't know, Dr. Xavier's School for the Gifted.

02:22That's what this is.

02:24Or maybe this is the Justice League if you're a DC fan.

02:29It's a movement that we are starting here at Rich in Relationship for men to be on a shared

02:35mission based on the ambition of having healthy, strong friendships with their wife, of restoring

02:42romance with their wife, of bestowing their shared vision and their sense of moving forward

02:47together.

02:47And not just keeping all the balls in the air, not just taking care of the kids, but what

02:53happens after they grow up?

02:55What's the difference that you guys want to make in the world together?

02:59What's the difference you want to make individually?

03:02The problem is that you've been trying to help.

03:05You've been doing your best to build up your family.

03:07And somehow you're always accused of being controlling or manipulative.

03:12Always, maybe not always, but a good deal of the time.

03:16This series is to help you shift that.

03:21It's not a dialogue.

03:22It's a dynamic.

03:23This series is here to help you shift that monologue she has about you for her to start

03:31to see that you really are invested.

03:33Every time you try to help, she reacts.

03:37She somehow, she sees it as an attack.

03:39You're doing what you can to build her up and build up the relationship.

03:44She reacts and you either escalate or you withdraw.

03:48But either way, it's a case of wash, rinse, and repeat.

03:52It just goes on and on and on.

03:55Maybe you've got what some people call kitchen sink syndrome.

03:58She reacts, you react, and then she throws in the kitchen sink, like everything.

04:05Not only are you trying to manipulate and control me here, but you do it there, there, there,

04:09and there.

04:09It's happening with the kids.

04:11I can't stand it anymore.

04:13Whatever's happening, this series, this podcast is about breaking that cycle.

04:21So let's talk about what makes that like a snake eating its own tail.

04:29What this is about is it's not just what you're doing, it's what's driving it.

04:36What do I mean by that?

04:38We all carry unconscious emotional patterns from our families, from where we grew up,

04:47and we all have strategies that worked at one time in another place that we're applying

04:53to our marriage that doesn't work now.

04:56And it's not that those strategies have ill intent.

04:59It's not that those strategies are meant to control or manipulate.

05:04It's that, or they might be though.

05:06I'm like, I'm not going to die of the possibility.

05:09That strategy isn't working for you here because the context that the strategy was developed

05:14in doesn't apply, right?

05:18Like if you, my favorite example is if you were in a concentration camp, you would employ

05:24a completely different strategy for getting food than if you were living in a free society.

05:29And the reason is resources are scarce, it's competitive, you are under the oppression of

05:37another power.

05:38And in a free society, there's no oppression.

05:43In a free society, resources are abundant.

05:46And so the strategies are going to be completely different.

05:48So when we develop a strategy in our childhood or learn strategies for our parents or develop

05:52strategies at work and bring them home, they don't always work.

05:56So we're going to spend a lot of time taking that apart.

06:00And I want to emphasize here, it's not your fault that you have these strategies.

06:06It's not your fault that you're not sure how to interact with this woman that you love,

06:12that you care for, that you're committed to.

06:15It's not your fault that this is happening.

06:17You are replaying all the lessons that you were taught and they're not working here because

06:24they don't apply to this situation.

06:27You've been fixing the surface.

06:28You've been trying to fix the surface problem by doing, doing, doing, but you haven't gone

06:34to the root.

06:35You haven't gotten to your story, your beliefs, and your triggers.

06:38And like to your credit, neither has she.

06:41It's not all on you, but there's two ways that we can approach life.

06:48One is we can say, well, it's 50-50 and she's not going to do her part.

06:52But I'm not going to do mine or the other way is we can say, this is life.

06:56And whether I'm with her or on my own, I am completely responsible for myself and I'm

07:01going to do everything I can to continue to improve myself, to continue to grow myself,

07:06to do my best in every situation, to let go of old emotions and patterns that aren't

07:12working for me today.

07:14Which one do you think is going to work better in life?

07:16Obviously, the 100% ownership stance is going to take you further.

07:21And so I'm encouraging you to put all your inventory of her on the shelf.

07:26I'm encouraging you to put all your hurt on the shelf, all your anger on the shelf, all

07:31your resentment on the shelf, your whole story about her and why she's making it not work.

07:37Put that on the shelf because in this series, we're not going to deal with her.

07:41We're going to deal with us.

07:43In this series, as men, we are going to look at what can, first of all, what does it mean

07:49to be a man, right?

07:50Really?

07:51What are the ideas about manhood that I have that aren't working here?

07:56Second of all, what is it that as a human being, what are the things that I can do that

08:03are going to make things better in any situation?

08:05And specifically this situation before I take all that stuff off the shelf.

08:09And part of that is going to be identifying our stories, our beliefs, our triggers.

08:16Part of that is going to be getting back in touch with the things that are really important

08:22to us.

08:23And part of that is going to be taking action.

08:26The truth is that you don't have a communication problem.

08:30What you have is a connection problem.

08:32You're doing everything you can to communicate in a way that has worked for you in other

08:38ecologies, other ecologies, meaning at work.

08:41When you communicate with people at work this way, it works for you mostly.

08:44When you communicate it in your family in that way, it worked for you mostly.

08:48It's not working here.

08:50Why?

08:50You got a connection problem.

08:52Now, part of it is that you've got a masculine way of approaching it versus her feminine way,

08:58or maybe it's reversed.

08:59Maybe she's adapted to a culture as it now stands, and she's got a very masculine approach,

09:05and you've got a feminine approach because you grew up with a single mom or because you

09:10have a lot of emotional intelligence.

09:13But either way, right?

09:15The connection's not happening because you're communicating in different ways.

09:18Either way, it's the connection's not happening because she's not hearing exactly what you're

09:23saying and vice versa.

09:24Well, that's communication, but the connection problem is happening because where you're coming

09:31from is different.

09:33So if you're coming from a different place, you have trouble connecting, and that impacts

09:37communication too.

09:40You're trying to help her.

09:41You really are.

09:42She comes home and talks to you about work, or she talks to you about what's going on with

09:46the kids, or she talks to you about what's going on with her art, what's going on with

09:50her life, any aspect that's important to her, and you try to help her, you do.

09:54Like, you listen, you can see where she needs to go, and somehow it feels unsafe to her,

10:01even though you know that what you're doing is for her benefit.

10:06Even though you know what you're doing, the place that you're coming from is you want to

10:10help her get to that goal, get to the solution, and somehow it feels safe.

10:14It's because she interprets what you're doing as control and manipulation.

10:20She wants to share her emotional state first.

10:23She wants to lay out the emotional ecology.

10:25The first thing she wants is to have those emotions acknowledged, but you feel like, oh

10:32my God, that's emotional chaos.

10:35Why is that going on?

10:36How can she possibly get where she wants to go with all of that going on?

10:42That's a connection problem.

10:44Real leadership means rebuilding connection from the inside out.

10:50It means finding that place in you, and I promise you there is one, where you can learn

10:57to feel that emotional chaos as you experience it.

11:01Learn how to help her feel safe, heard, and secure in the emotional tornado that she presents

11:10you, and when she's ready, if she's ready, you can offer help, or the real strength might

11:18be to not offer help at all.

11:21So the path forward here is, as I've been saying, if we want to be leaders in the lives of our

11:29family members, we need to be leaders in our own lives first.

11:33Sometimes, I know some of you guys are at jobs that feel like a dead end to you.

11:41You feel like you're not growing in those jobs.

11:44You feel like they're not challenging you.

11:46Some of you love your work, and you go there because it's so much more fulfilling than your

11:53marriage seems to be at this time.

11:54Some of you are not sure how to be 100% parents alongside of her.

12:02One of the complaints I hear from women, from moms in particular, is that men tend to believe

12:10that child rearing is their area of expertise.

12:14Now, I'm going to tell you, just because a woman squeezes a child out doesn't mean she's

12:18automatically an expert, and there are strengths that we bring as husbands, men, and fathers

12:27that our children need from us that our wives cannot bring as effectively as we can.

12:34We have, in child rearing, our own area of parenting, child rearing expertise to bring

12:41that our children absolutely need.

12:43So some of you are ceding that over to your wife.

12:46Maybe she's taking it.

12:47Maybe she's holding on to it as this is the only thing I feel like is mine.

12:51Either way, we need to rebalance our relationship with ourselves, rebalance our relationship with

12:58our work, rebalance our relationship with our wives, rebalance our relationship with our

13:02children, rebalance our relationship with our families, rebalance our relationships with

13:07our wider culture in order to be successful in our marriage.

13:12Because the way that men's brains are wired, we tend to be very linear.

13:19It's what's driving her away.

13:22In fact, the linearness of your thinking and your brain structure is not very appealing when

13:28she's processing emotion in the same way that the environmental or ecological way she explores

13:35emotion and every facet of emotion is a little scary for you and may drive you away a little.

13:40But because we're linear, it's normal and natural for us to keep our eyes on the prize, normal

13:48and natural for us to want to move on to the next station.

13:51And because she's ecological and emotional, it's normal and natural for her to say, slow down the

13:59train, look at the impact of what we're doing.

14:03It's great where we're going and we need to be thorough and complete at every station in life.

14:09And right now in this station, you want to plow ahead.

14:14It feels like she's holding you back.

14:16But really what's happening here is your two natures are at war.

14:20And if you're going to change that because you are naturally wired to lead, you're going

14:26to need to take the lead when it comes to the relationship.

14:29She may be the expert in relationships, and we'll talk about that in other episodes.

14:35But in order for her expertise to come to the forefront, you need to show her that you're

14:42invested, show her that you care, just like when you were dating, when you were in love,

14:46you were all over it with her.

14:48She loved that.

14:49That's we're not going to go back to in love, but we need to go back to that kind of

14:52intentionality in our relationship, right?

14:56This isn't a case of conquered, move on.

15:00This is a case of constant conquest.

15:03So let's talk about what the road map is going to be coming up.

15:06This is a kickoff episode.

15:08There's going to be so much more.

15:10Episode two, we're going to talk about the hero's journey to a joyful marriage.

15:15And it's the beginning of the self-exploration.

15:19We're going to take a look at our strengths.

15:23We're going to look at, take a look at what are those old programs and how might we rewire

15:30them, let them go, whatever we need to do.

15:33Excuse me.

15:34How can we lean into our strengths and how can we let go of the things that are holding

15:39us back in the episode?

15:41After that, we're going to talk about what is the dream?

15:45What was the dream at work?

15:46What was the dream at marriage?

15:48What's the dream that you have for your children?

15:50What is the dream that you share together in life?

15:53What kind of man do you see yourself as becoming or human being?

15:57If that suits you better.

15:58In the next four, we're going to talk about episode four.

16:01In episode four, we're going to talk about uncovering your core.

16:05We're going to talk about how to rediscover your values and your principles so that we

16:10can be proactive based on what's really important to us, not just reactive based on our conditioning

16:16or our emotional state.

16:18In the episode after that, once we've figured out our strengths and learn how to manage our

16:23weaknesses and we clear on values and principles, we're going to talk about how to communicate

16:30without selling out, without being aggressive, without being manipulative or controlling,

16:37how to share your side of things in a way that she can receive and how to take a stand

16:43without squashing her or pushing her or being fearful.

16:48The episode after that negotiation without capitulation, right?

16:53How to negotiate without compromising those values, without compromising those principles

16:59that are so important.

17:00That would be like cutting off an arm or a leg.

17:02We're going to talk about leading with language in episode seven, the words that you need to

17:09build trust and emotional safety, because once you've got these other things down, now you

17:14can lay in a foundation of safety in your marriage, and that's going to be the beginning

17:19of true connection with your wife.

17:21Once you've worked through some of the mess inside yourself and you've learned to start

17:27communicating, you can now speak the language of love.

17:31The next episode after that, we're going to talk about how to share power, where she's

17:37going to lead, where you're going to lead.

17:39Episode after that is how you're going to become the anchor in your marriage, in yourself,

17:44in your life.

17:46We're going to talk about masculine energy in relationship, how you can work with your

17:51masculine energy, how you can recognize masculine energy in her.

17:55Masculine and feminine are not unique to men and women.

17:57We both carry them in us.

17:58And the last episode, we're going to talk about how to live in this new masculinity.

18:04And really what we're talking about here is what does it mean to be a man in 2025?

18:07So many of us are floating around with ideas of manhood that were communicated to us in the

18:1280s, 70s, the 1600s.

18:16If you're as old as some of the people I know, and all through this, I want you to get that

18:21you are not alone.

18:24The tendency amongst men is we feel like we are competing with one another for resources.

18:31Well, in this environment, we are not competing because we have our resources.

18:38We have our wives.

18:39We have our family in this environment.

18:41What we are, are the five people that we most want to become are in this community.

18:48So instead of seeing this as competitive, I want you to see this as a fellowship, a partnership,

18:58a community of men who are helping each other stay sharp, a community of men who are helping

19:06each other stay focused, a community of men who are helping each other stay on purpose.

19:09Because the truth is when you're on a journey of self-exploration, it's easy to cut corners.

19:15If you don't have somebody else there looking from the outside in, the reason why we are

19:21where we are with our wives is we all get a little squirmy and comfortable where we are

19:26while having a friend who is closer than a brother, a friend who will challenge us and

19:33who allows us to challenge him is the way through that.

19:38Another way I heard this explained is we are all living in a box and the instructions on how

19:43to get out are on the outside.

19:45And sometimes we need somebody else to read the instructions to us.

19:48That's what's happening here at Richie Relationship.

19:52We are building a community of men who can read the instructions to one another so we can

19:57all get out and be free together.

19:59So what's my challenge to you today?

20:01My challenge to you today is think about what are the kind of men that you're spending time

20:10with now, what do you have in common with them really, and why do you spend time with

20:14them?

20:15And then think about are they supporting you in building your strengths or are they an

20:22escape valve?

20:23Are they supporting you in growing your life or are they helping you in an individual area

20:31of growth, which is totally okay?

20:32And then think about what kind of men do you want around you?

20:36What kind of men can support you in this journey to recover your sense of self, your sense of

20:41purpose, your partnership, the friendship in your marriage, the love in your marriage,

20:46the partnership and the safety?

20:48What kind of men would you like around you as you embark on this mission together?

20:54With that, I'm going to say have a wonderful day and an awesome tomorrow.

20:59all?

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