Beyond Comfort Building Wealth and Relationship Richness

Rich Heller

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7zAEYbhmqk  We have the house, the car, and the success we thought we wanted—so why do we feel so empty?  In this episode of Rich in Relationship, host Rich Heller dives into the true meaning of prosperity, distinguishing between material wealth (survival, stability) and emotional wealth (shared vision, safety, trust, intimacy). While material success is the "icing on the cake," chasing it often causes couples to ignore the foundational emotional work.  Rich explores surprising statistics showing that high-income couples often report less happiness than lower-income couples, arguing that busyness and over-focus on "doing and having" replaces the essential "being" of a partnership.  You’ll learn how to shift your focus to build a truly wealthy marriage:  The three stages of creation: Be, Do, and Have, and why we often get them backward. Why couples substitute possessions and goals for emotional depth. Practical ways to schedule relationship rituals and why spending money on experiences (not possessions) builds long-term marital satisfaction.  It's time to stop thriving in comfort and start flourishing in connection.  If you want to talk about your situation, get a free consult and join the free Rich in Relationship Group: www.richinrelationship.com 🔗 Stay connected with us: Facebook -  https://www.facebook.com/richinrelationship/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/richinrelationship/  Pinterest - https://www.pinterest.com/richinrelationship/_created/ Tiktok -    https://www.tiktok.com/@richinrelationship LinkedIn -  https://www.linkedin.com/company/rich-in-relationship Website - https://www.richinrelationship.com

Transcript

00:00Today in Rich in Relationship, we're going to talk about how to acquire true prosperity,

00:07emotional wealth. Material wealth is important. Material wealth equals survival, security,

00:15stability, comfort. Material success is icing on the cake of prosperity. Now, if you came from

00:24someplace where you were really poor, material success might seem really important. But I'm

00:29here to tell you that it's the icing on the cake. Welcome to another episode of Rich in

00:38Relationship. I am your host, Rich Heller, and today we're going to talk about what we

00:43mean by a joyful and prosperous marriage, emotional prosperity, emotional wealth, or how to truly

00:50be rich in relationship. We have everything we thought we wanted, so why do I feel so

00:56empty in my marriage, asks Angela. Look, material wealth is important. Material wealth equals

01:04survival, security, stability, comfort. In fact, we would argue that if you're not achieving the

01:16level of material wealth that it takes for you to feed your family and have clothes and have a roof

01:23over your head and put some money towards the future, it's going to be more challenging to develop

01:31emotional stability because the constant fear and concern about the future or even feeding your

01:37children now is going to get in the way. But studies show that once the family earns 50, 60,

01:4670,000 dollars in there, they didn't have enough money to put a roof over their head to have a

01:51dishwasher, a washing machine, a dryer, and a car, more importantly, a car. They now have enough money

01:57to clothe and feed their family. After a certain point, depending on what part of the country you live

02:04in, money stops making such a difference in terms of well-being. Well-being is just sort of general

02:10happiness. Well-being is where emotional wealth builds. So when we reach for more and more and

02:18more because we live in a culture of more, better, different, sometimes we ignore, ignore, ignore

02:23emotional wealth. Emotional wealth is found in a shared vision. Emotional wealth is found in

02:31safety, caring conversation, trust, vulnerability, intimacy. And I'm not necessarily talking about

02:40physical intimacy. I'm talking about emotional intimacy, being emotionally comfortable with one

02:48another, comfortable with one another's differences. And these two things, they don't

02:54automatically go together. A 2022 Gallup poll shows that only 45% of married adults and households earning

03:02a hundred thousand plus described their marriage as very happy compared to 55% of households who earn

03:13under $75,000. Why is this? It might be that those households that are earning less than that $75,000

03:23threshold, they're working together to provide what their family needs to hit that $75,000 threshold to

03:30have that car, make sure their kids are clothed, make sure everyone's eating. They're working so hard

03:35together that there's more emotional cohesiveness. It might be. I don't know. We haven't done that study

03:41yet. Joe asks, we work so hard to get here, so why do I feel like we've lost us? We have the house,

03:50we have the car, we've lost us. Prosperity, as we explored in previous episodes, can mask disconnection.

03:59Prosperity can be addictive. I'm talking about financial prosperity here, not emotional prosperity.

04:06Actually, I really, I'm going to change the way I use that word. Prosperity, we need to start using

04:13prosperity as a blanket word for our life experience. I am prosperous when I feel fulfilled.

04:21I am prosperous when my needs are met. I am prosperous when my positive expectations

04:28for my family are fulfilled. My expectation that my wife feels happy and satisfied, that her skills

04:37and talents are being used as are mine, that my children are developing and growing into the most

04:43full and complete and participatory human beings possible so that they also feel fulfilled and happy

04:50and purposeful. That's real prosperity. And if what comes along with it is a 500,000, 1 million,

04:592 million, 500 million dollar house, whatever, that's icing on the cake of prosperity. Material

05:06success is icing on the cake of prosperity. Now, if you came from someplace where you were really poor,

05:14material success might seem really important, but I'm here to tell you that it's the icing

05:19on the cake. Couples often substitute activities like work, engagement in community, possessions,

05:30having the right house or car, or even success hitting our goals for emotional depth. We talked in the

05:39last episode about what it means to be a human doing. Let's talk about that a little more.

05:42The creative process has three stages. B, how are you being spiritually, emotionally? What's the

05:52vibration that you're creating? And then from that, what are you doing? How are you acting upon that

05:59vibration? And then what you have is a result of those two things. It is very rare that we can just

06:07be happy, joyful, free and prosperous and have material prosperity. For example, we might have

06:17emotional or even emotional prosperity. If we don't do something with it, I can have those feelings,

06:23but if I don't do something with it, show my appreciation for my loved ones, support them,

06:28engage with them, that I won't necessarily have a relationship that is wealthy and abundant.

06:35When we engage in doing without considering the being, over time, comfort becomes a buffer against

06:45vulnerability. Well, you know, my marriage isn't what I hoped it would be, but look at how much we've

06:52created together. Look at this amazing home, great gardens, happy dog. We start trading off.

06:59Louisa asks, why do we spend more time managing our stuff than managing our relationship? Louisa's

07:04done. We've got a lot of reasons for this. There are a lot of cultural scripts. There's a lot of

07:09messaging that we get from the media, whatever your media is, from screens, let's just call it.

07:15There's a lot of messaging that we're getting from screens about cultural wealth. And what we need

07:19to understand about screens, and we just, I think we just finished the whole series on screens,

07:25is that screens are designed to hook us, to give us short-term satisfaction instead of long-term

07:32growth. Screens are designed to addict us and to keep our eyes on the screens instead of on projects

07:39that might be more important. Screens, for the most part, the groups that prepare what we consume

07:45and design it, for the most part, screens are about distraction from what's really important.

07:53We can use screens to advance our relationship and go back in our podcast recently in the last

08:00month or two, if you want to learn more about that. But most of us don't. Screens drive a lot

08:05of our desire to have more, better, different. We go on TikTok, Facebook, et cetera. You've all heard

08:10this rant before. I'm not going to go deep with it. And unconsciously it plants seeds of why aren't I

08:15doing that? We start comparing how we feel about ourselves and our lives and our marriage to what

08:25we are presented with on social media. And we think that if we have a jet ski or whatever, that we'll have

08:34what we feel like we're missing. But I just told you, that's not how it works. It isn't do and get or get

08:44and have. It's be. First, we need to be emotionally engaged to have that kind of life. Sometimes we just

08:53get stuck being busy. We're trying so hard to get the stuff or to shape the life or be able to present

09:02our life to others as successful that we don't think about the being part. We're just doing,

09:08doing, doing, doing, doing, doing, doing, doing. The Journal of Family Psychology in 2019 did a study

09:14that shows that couples in high income brackets report more stress around time, work-life balance

09:21and parenting pressures than those in lower income groups. And I would argue that's because they're so

09:28busy doing and having, they've forgotten how to be. Doesn't financial security guarantee a good

09:37marriage? Ask Rick from Tennessee. Financial stability removes stress in terms of survival.

09:43It may even provide status socially, but it does not build intimacy and emotional wealth. Emotional

09:52prosperity starts with intention. This is a, by the way, I should have renamed this,

09:59the lesson on how to be rich in relationship. It starts with intention. We set an intention

10:04that we want to have a richer, more fuller marriage, a partnership. Seven years ago, eight years ago,

10:10I went to a major life change, sold my business, leaned into my social work education,

10:17my master's in social work and started working with people. Actually, I started with working with

10:21people divorce and then quickly got into couple's work. And part of that switch was that I wanted

10:27a, my wife and I had a beautiful house and beautiful car. We were living this life. We presented

10:34well to others. They thought we were very successful. A lot of accolades for us. Our children seemed to be

10:41well-adjusted at the time and healthy, but I realized that we were, we weren't really communicating

10:47about our feelings very much. I realized that we weren't emotionally on the same page.

10:53And even though we could have gone on like that, I sort of, I set the intention that we would have an

11:00intimate, more close relationship. Really unusual for the man to do that. I went to a, like a major

11:05spiritual life upheaval that switched my, changed my perspective on this completely. And I can say that

11:11eight years later, having started with that intention, we now have a richer, more emotionally

11:17deep, vulnerable relationship. And part of what happened as a result of that intention is we did

11:23some role transformation. And part of what happened there was I was honest with my wife. You know,

11:29she said to me, one day she said to me, do you really believe that our marriage wasn't as good as

11:35it could, wasn't it good? I said, no, honey, it wasn't good. It wasn't going anywhere. I felt like

11:42we could go deeper. I said to her, I feel like a relationship that is always growing in vulnerability

11:47and intimacy is a relationship that can never fail. And she did not argue with me on that point

11:53and has worked with me on it ever since. We set the intention together. It started with me,

11:59but probably about a year later, we got in it together and we worked on our presence. We worked on

12:05our vulnerability. We started having date night. We started having working in every month or two

12:11new habits that would bring us more on the same page. And when we would come up with disagreements,

12:18instead of getting stuck in your right and I'm wrong, we would honor each other's disagreements

12:23and put them on the shelf for a while. We have some, some disagreements about the far future that

12:28we're still working through, but every day we seem to grow closer together on what the

12:34answer is going to be to that. We've become more vulnerable and shared growth together.

12:40Rich marriages share balance in external provision and internal connection. All right. We both work

12:47on the external provision and we both work on the internal connection. Rolina says, how do we stay

12:53close while also chasing our goals? And this is a great question. It's a question we've been working

13:00on for years. Before I go to my list, let me tell you some things that worked. The obvious, well,

13:05here are the obvious things. The obvious things are schedule relationship rituals. Well, on the same

13:11level that you would schedule financial planning. Some of you need to schedule financial planning.

13:16I would actually say, make sure that you have a, start with this. Make sure that you have a shared

13:21understanding of the family finances, that you both understand fully what your immediate costs are

13:28and where you're putting your money to fish for the future. If you're not putting away money for the

13:32future, that's a conversation starter. Let me tell you, make sure that you understand your, uh, your

13:39immediate logistics of living, whether it be taking out the garbage or paying the bills or dropping off the

13:47kids or changing diapers and make sure that, that you've equally assigned responsibilities and there

13:53are tools for that we can recommend to you. Make sure you have date night. Make sure that you start

13:59your day and end your day together as much as possible. And if you're, one of you is overseas or

14:03in another state, make sure you check in on the phone or via video. Align your spending plan so that you

14:12are spending money together. And so that you each have individual money. Remember that

14:18relationships, healthy relationships support individuals and individual development and allow

14:24individuals the opportunity to make mistakes, whether it be emotional or financial share leadership

14:30lanes, make sure that you honor each other's veto power. And if you feel like your partner is

14:38vetoing something that you think is absolutely vital, ask yourself, is this a decision that has

14:42to be made today? Or could it wait a day or a week and see how they feel in a day or a week?

14:48It might be that you're going to change what you think that thing is as much as they are. It might be

14:55they're not understanding why it's important to you. It might be you don't understand, but those big

15:00picture things that are difficult to agree on, those are the ones you need to really be gentle and

15:05careful with. It might mean that you're going to pursue that thing on your own, but pursuing means

15:13lay the foundation for that thing to occur. It might mean that you set aside personal money for that

15:17thing. It might be that you're going to do research and investigation for that thing, and you're going

15:22to continue to attempt to enroll your partner in that idea. But until there's an opportunity to

15:26actually manifest this thing, whatever it is that you disagree on, it really isn't worth being a

15:32deal breaker. Push comes to shove when the actual opportunity comes up. So you can prepare for

15:38and research for and negotiate all the way to when there's actually a live or die choice regarding that

15:47thing, decision, whatever it is. Research shows that couples who spend more on experiences

15:53versus possessions report greater long-term marital satisfaction. So what that means is start

15:59planning your experiences. Start planning your vacations that you want to take. Make sure you're

16:04taking vacations separate from the kids, even if it's just an overnight somewhere or maybe a weekend

16:09somewhere if you can. Make sure that you're building experiences with your partner, with your

16:15children. And here's the thing I was going to lean into earlier. It also is going to mean, since

16:21you're supporting each other as individuals and you're developing common ground as a couple, that you might

16:28want to go to some of their events that you're not really interested in. I'm going to a business

16:36group of my wife's next week that years ago, when she brought her up with me, I had zero interest in

16:45it. But I started going with her because I was desperate to have time with her. And so I asked if I

16:51could come and I attended with her. And, uh, over time I acquired a taste. I actually developed

16:58friends within her business group. And so it became, uh, not just a way to support her and her

17:04business, but also a way to reconnect with friends. It also became very educational for me. I found out

17:10that within her business group, there were lessons that I could apply to my own life. And because it was

17:15her event, I had complete permission to check out and go to the pool. If I wanted to, the idea was

17:20that I wanted to spend more time with her. She was very busy. And this was the only way I could

17:26spend that kind of time with her. And then as she started to enjoy spending time with me

17:30within her busyness, and as she developed the intention for growing the relationship

17:35after I did, we started planning time, just the two of us without it being a business trip.

17:42So sometimes one of you is going to take the lead on this and you're going to demonstrate

17:47your intention by going someplace that you wouldn't normally go, but you get to be with

17:54them. And by being with them and demonstrating that you can appreciate their interest and support

18:00them in their interest, they will over time make space to just be with you. If that is their

18:07intention, they will adopt your intention. So what does it mean to be rich in real life?

18:14Asks Mitch. Rich and let me do that again. So what does it mean to be rich in relationship

18:19and life? Asks Mitch from Westchester. Couples thrive when emotional and financial wealth rise together.

18:31Joy, as opposed to happiness. Joy might be what those people in the $75,000 and under households

18:37are experiencing. Joy is when we're meeting challenges. We're not having our ideal situation.

18:42We're really challenged, but we're challenged together. And we know we're working through it

18:46to get to a better place. We know that we are climbing on that rough terrain so we can get to

18:53the top of the mountain together. And there's a joy in doing the hard work together. You know what

18:59it's like? It's like those jobs that you don't like doing, but you have to do if you want to have a

19:05certain result. For me, it was scrubbing pots. Eventually, there's a joy in scrubbing a pot really

19:12well. You may not love scrubbing pots. It may not feel like the most creative thing in the world.

19:16This is my thing, scrubbing pots. But after a while, there's a joy in knowing that there's mastery

19:22of scrubbing pots so that they're shiny and as new as possible when you're done. There's a joy in

19:27setting it aside and saying, I did that. I did something that I don't really love. I love the result.

19:32I love my application of my own will. I may not love the job itself, but I love the aspects of it

19:40that create this result. That is joy. Happiness would be like doing something that is just total

19:48fun, not pot washing. A truly prosperous marriage, a marriage that is rich in relationship,

19:55is actually a combination of things. It's a combination of financial security.

20:01And please note that some people can earn billions of dollars and not feel financially secure.

20:06That's because they're doing rather than being first. Also, intimacy. Also, provision,

20:14which can be taking what you have and making more of it. And the joy of that process.

20:20It's not about surviving in comfort. It's about thriving and flourishing in the richness of your

20:28personal connection beyond what you ever expected, beyond what your parents have demonstrated.

20:34If you're liking what you're hearing here on Rich in Relationship, please subscribe. Let other

20:40people know about it. Share the joy of living a prosperous life that is rich in relationship. And

20:47in the meantime, have a wonderful day and an awesome tomorrow.

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